library(tidytext)## Warning: package 'tidytext' was built under R version 3.4.4library(gutenbergr)
library(tm)## Warning: package 'tm' was built under R version 3.4.4## Loading required package: NLPlibrary(dplyr)##
## Attaching package: 'dplyr'## The following objects are masked from 'package:stats':
##
## filter, lag## The following objects are masked from 'package:base':
##
## intersect, setdiff, setequal, unionlibrary(stringr)## Warning: package 'stringr' was built under R version 3.4.4library(highcharter)## Highcharts (www.highcharts.com) is a Highsoft software product which is## not free for commercial and Governmental uselibrary(yaml)
library(wordcloud2)
library(ngram)
library(tidyr)
library(wordcloud)## Warning: package 'wordcloud' was built under R version 3.4.4## Loading required package: RColorBrewer
ThePickwickPapers = gutenberg_download(580)## Determining mirror for Project Gutenberg from http://www.gutenberg.org/robot/harvest## Using mirror http://aleph.gutenberg.org## Warning: package 'bindrcpp' was built under R version 3.4.4OliverTwist = gutenberg_download(730)
NicholasNickleby = gutenberg_download(967)
TheOldCuriosityShop = gutenberg_download(700)
BarnabyRudge = gutenberg_download(917)
MartinChuzzlewit = gutenberg_download(968)
DombeyandSon = gutenberg_download(821)
DavidCopperfield =gutenberg_download(766)
BleakHouse =gutenberg_download(1023)
HardTimes =gutenberg_download(786)
LittleDorrit =gutenberg_download(963)
ATaleofTwoCities = gutenberg_download(98)
GreatExpectations = gutenberg_download(1400)
OurMutualFriend = gutenberg_download(883)
TheMysteryofEdwinDrood =gutenberg_download(564)
all_Dickens_Novels = ThePickwickPapers$text
all_Dickens_Novels = list(ThePickwickPapers$text, OliverTwist$text, NicholasNickleby$text, TheOldCuriosityShop$text,
BarnabyRudge$text, MartinChuzzlewit$text, DombeyandSon$text, DavidCopperfield$text, BleakHouse$text, HardTimes$text, LittleDorrit$text, ATaleofTwoCities$text, GreatExpectations$text, OurMutualFriend$text, TheMysteryofEdwinDrood$text)
str(all_Dickens_Novels)## List of 15
## $ : chr [1:36692] "THE PICKWICK PAPERS" "" "" "By Charles Dickens" ...
## $ : chr [1:18798] "OLIVER TWIST" "" "OR" "" ...
## $ : chr [1:37193] "THE LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF NICHOLAS NICKLEBY," "" "containing a Faithful Account of the Fortunes, Misfortunes," "" ...
## $ : chr [1:23665] "The Old Curiosity Shop" "" "By Charles Dickens" "" ...
## $ : chr [1:27271] "BARNABY RUDGE" "" "A TALE OF THE RIOTS OF 'EIGHTY" "" ...
## $ : chr [1:37449] "LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT" "" "by Charles Dickens" "" ...
## $ : chr [1:39169] "DOMBEY AND SON" "" "By Charles Dickens" "" ...
## $ : chr [1:38191] "DAVID COPPERFIELD" "" "" "By Charles Dickens" ...
## $ : chr [1:39838] "BLEAK HOUSE" "" "by" "" ...
## $ : chr [1:11638] " HARD TIMES" " AND" " REPRINTED PIECES {0}" "" ...
## $ : chr [1:36875] "LITTLE DORRIT" "" "By Charles Dickens" "" ...
## $ : chr [1:15865] "A TALE OF TWO CITIES" "" "A STORY OF THE FRENCH REVOLUTION" "" ...
## $ : chr [1:20024] "GREAT EXPECTATIONS" "" "[1867 Edition]" "" ...
## $ : chr [1:38615] "OUR MUTUAL FRIEND" "" "Charles Dickens" "" ...
## $ : chr [1:11435] " THE MYSTERY OF EDWIN DROOD" "" "" " [Picture: Rochester castle]" ...#View(all_Dickens_Novels)
all_Dickens_Novels %>%
str_replace_all("\"","") %>%
str_replace_all("[[:punct:]]","") %>%
str_split(pattern = "\\s") -> Dick_nov_per_nov
Dick_nov_per_nov %>% unlist() %>%
table() %>%
as.data.frame(stringsAsFactors = F) -> all_Dickens_Novels_normalized
colnames(all_Dickens_Novels_normalized) = c("word","count")
all_Dickens_Novels_normalized = all_Dickens_Novels_normalized %>%
filter(!str_to_lower(word) %in% stopwords()) %>%
filter(str_length(word)>1) %>%
filter(!str_detect(word,"\\d")) %>%
arrange(desc(count))
View(all_Dickens_Novels_normalized)
head(all_Dickens_Novels_normalized, 20) %>% hchart("column", hcaes(x = word, y = count)) %>% hc_add_theme(hc_theme_monokai())
wordcloud2(data = head(all_Dickens_Novels_normalized, 200), size = 0.5)
#characters = list(c("samuel", "nathaniel", "augustus", "tracy", "sam"),
# c("twist", "bumble", "mann", "sowerberry", "noah"),
# c("nicholas", "ralph", "kate", "catherine", "smike", "newman"),
# )
all_names_freqs = data.frame("number" = c(), "one" = c(), "two"= c(), "three" = c(), "four" = c(), "five" = c(), "freq" = c())
str(Dick_nov_per_nov)## List of 15
## $ : chr [1:311896] "cTHE" "PICKWICK" "PAPERS" "" ...
## $ : chr [1:168315] "cOLIVER" "TWIST" "" "OR" ...
## $ : chr [1:333646] "cTHE" "LIFE" "AND" "ADVENTURES" ...
## $ : chr [1:227329] "cThe" "Old" "Curiosity" "Shop" ...
## $ : chr [1:261049] "cBARNABY" "RUDGE" "" "A" ...
## $ : chr [1:348033] "cLIFE" "AND" "ADVENTURES" "OF" ...
## $ : chr [1:366795] "cDOMBEY" "AND" "SON" "" ...
## $ : chr [1:367677] "cDAVID" "COPPERFIELD" "" "" ...
## $ : chr [1:365843] "cBLEAK" "HOUSE" "" "by" ...
## $ : chr [1:112339] "c" "" "" "" ...
## $ : chr [1:349101] "cLITTLE" "DORRIT" "" "By" ...
## $ : chr [1:141401] "cA" "TALE" "OF" "TWO" ...
## $ : chr [1:190503] "cGREAT" "EXPECTATIONS" "" "1867" ...
## $ : chr [1:338590] "cOUR" "MUTUAL" "FRIEND" "" ...
## $ : chr [1:103509] "c" "" "" "" ...for (i in 1:15){
tmp = str_match(unlist(Dick_nov_per_nov[i]), "^[:upper:][:alpha:]+")
tmp
tmp = table(tmp) %>% as.data.frame(stringsAsFactors = F)
tmp
replacee = tmp %>% filter(! str_to_lower(tmp) %in% stop_words$word) %>% filter(! str_to_lower(tmp) %in% c("mr", "miss", "sir", "mrs", "the", "it", "he", "she")) %>% arrange(-Freq) %>% slice(1:5) %>% as.vector()
replacee = cbind(rep(i, 5), replacee)
all_names_freqs = rbind(all_names_freqs, replacee)
}
#View(all_names_freqs)
all_names_freqs %>% hchart("column", hcaes(x = tmp, y = Freq, group = `rep(i, 5)`))
positives = sentiments %>% filter(sentiment == "positive") %>% .$word
negatives = sentiments %>% filter(sentiment == "negative") %>% .$word
sentimentals = data.frame("Pos" = c() ,"Story" = c(), "Word" = c(), "freq" = c())
for (i in 1:15){
tmp = Dick_nov_per_nov[i]
tmPos = table(tmp) %>% as.data.frame(stringsAsFactors = F) %>% filter(str_to_lower(tmp) %in% positives) %>% arrange(-Freq) %>% slice(1:20)
tmPos
tmNeg = table(tmp) %>% as.data.frame(stringsAsFactors = F) %>% filter(str_to_lower(tmp) %in% negatives) %>% arrange(-Freq) %>% slice(1:20)
t = data.frame(cbind(rep("P", 20), rep(i, 20), tmPos))
names(t) = c("Pos", "Story", "Word", "freq")
sentimentals = rbind(sentimentals, t)
t = data.frame(cbind(rep("N", 20), rep(i, 20), tmNeg))
names(t) = c("Pos", "Story", "Word", "freq")
sentimentals = rbind(sentimentals, t)
}
hchart(sentimentals %>% filter(Story == 1), "column", hcaes(x = Word, y = freq, group = Pos)) hchart(sentimentals %>% filter(Story == 2), "column", hcaes(x = Word, y = freq, group = Pos)) hchart(sentimentals %>% filter(Story == 3), "column", hcaes(x = Word, y = freq, group = Pos)) hchart(sentimentals %>% filter(Story == 4), "column", hcaes(x = Word, y = freq, group = Pos)) hchart(sentimentals %>% filter(Story == 5), "column", hcaes(x = Word, y = freq, group = Pos)) hchart(sentimentals %>% filter(Story == 6), "column", hcaes(x = Word, y = freq, group = Pos)) hchart(sentimentals %>% filter(Story == 7), "column", hcaes(x = Word, y = freq, group = Pos)) hchart(sentimentals %>% filter(Story == 8), "column", hcaes(x = Word, y = freq, group = Pos)) hchart(sentimentals %>% filter(Story == 9), "column", hcaes(x = Word, y = freq, group = Pos)) hchart(sentimentals %>% filter(Story == 10), "column", hcaes(x = Word, y = freq, group = Pos))hchart(sentimentals %>% filter(Story == 11), "column", hcaes(x = Word, y = freq, group = Pos))hchart(sentimentals %>% filter(Story == 12), "column", hcaes(x = Word, y = freq, group = Pos))hchart(sentimentals %>% filter(Story == 13), "column", hcaes(x = Word, y = freq, group = Pos))hchart(sentimentals %>% filter(Story == 14), "column", hcaes(x = Word, y = freq, group = Pos))hchart(sentimentals %>% filter(Story == 15), "column", hcaes(x = Word, y = freq, group = Pos))
LesMiserables = gutenberg_download(135)
LesMiserablesText = LesMiserables$text
LesMiserablesText %>%
str_replace_all("\"","") %>%
str_replace_all("[[:punct:]]","") %>%
str_split(pattern = "\\s") %>% unlist() %>% str_to_lower()-> LesMiserablesText
str(LesMiserablesText)## chr [1:586607] "les" "misérables" "" "by" "victor" "hugo" "" ... m = matrix(LesMiserablesText, byrow = T, nrow = 200)## Warning in matrix(LesMiserablesText, byrow = T, nrow = 200): data length
## [586607] is not a sub-multiple or multiple of the number of rows [200]sum(LesMiserablesText %in% positives)## [1] 33480sum(LesMiserablesText %in% negatives)## [1] 33568m = data.frame(m, stringsAsFactors = FALSE)
m %>% mutate(numRow = 1:n()) %>% rowwise() %>% mutate(pos = sum(m[numRow,] %in% c(positives)), neg = sum(m[numRow,] %in% c(negatives))) %>% select(numRow, pos, neg) -> m
m = m %>% gather(sentiment, freq, pos:neg)
m %>% hchart("line", hcaes(x = numRow, y = freq, group = sentiment))
LesMiserablesText = LesMiserables$text
LesMiserablesText %>%
str_replace_all("\"","") %>%
str_replace_all("[[:punct:]]","") %>%
str_split(pattern = "\\s") %>% unlist() %>% str_to_lower()-> LesMiserablesText
str(LesMiserablesText)## chr [1:586607] "les" "misérables" "" "by" "victor" "hugo" "" ... LesMiserablesTextt = str_c(LesMiserablesText, collapse = " ")
str(LesMiserablesTextt)## chr "les misérables by victor hugo translated by isabel f hapgood thomas y crowell co no 13 astor place new yor"| __truncated__ngram(LesMiserablesTextt, n = 2) -> twoGramObj
twoGramObj %>% get.phrasetable() -> phTable
phTable %>% arrange(-freq) %>% slice(1:30) %>% select(ngrams, freq) %>% hchart("column", hcaes(x = ngrams, y = freq))
phTable %>% filter(str_detect(ngrams, "^(he |she )+")) -> heSheVerb
heSheVerb %>% mutate(verb = str_replace_all(ngrams, "^(he |she )", "")) %>% group_by(verb) %>% summarise(freq = sum(freq)) %>% arrange(-freq) %>% slice(1:20) %>% hchart("column", hcaes(x = verb, y = freq))
str(all_Dickens_Novels)## List of 15
## $ : chr [1:36692] "THE PICKWICK PAPERS" "" "" "By Charles Dickens" ...
## $ : chr [1:18798] "OLIVER TWIST" "" "OR" "" ...
## $ : chr [1:37193] "THE LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF NICHOLAS NICKLEBY," "" "containing a Faithful Account of the Fortunes, Misfortunes," "" ...
## $ : chr [1:23665] "The Old Curiosity Shop" "" "By Charles Dickens" "" ...
## $ : chr [1:27271] "BARNABY RUDGE" "" "A TALE OF THE RIOTS OF 'EIGHTY" "" ...
## $ : chr [1:37449] "LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT" "" "by Charles Dickens" "" ...
## $ : chr [1:39169] "DOMBEY AND SON" "" "By Charles Dickens" "" ...
## $ : chr [1:38191] "DAVID COPPERFIELD" "" "" "By Charles Dickens" ...
## $ : chr [1:39838] "BLEAK HOUSE" "" "by" "" ...
## $ : chr [1:11638] " HARD TIMES" " AND" " REPRINTED PIECES {0}" "" ...
## $ : chr [1:36875] "LITTLE DORRIT" "" "By Charles Dickens" "" ...
## $ : chr [1:15865] "A TALE OF TWO CITIES" "" "A STORY OF THE FRENCH REVOLUTION" "" ...
## $ : chr [1:20024] "GREAT EXPECTATIONS" "" "[1867 Edition]" "" ...
## $ : chr [1:38615] "OUR MUTUAL FRIEND" "" "Charles Dickens" "" ...
## $ : chr [1:11435] " THE MYSTERY OF EDWIN DROOD" "" "" " [Picture: Rochester castle]" ... all_Dickens_Novels %>%
str_replace_all("\"","") %>%
str_replace_all("[[:punct:]]","") %>%
str_split(pattern = "\\s") -> all_Dickens_Novels_text
str(all_Dickens_Novels_text)## List of 15
## $ : chr [1:311896] "cTHE" "PICKWICK" "PAPERS" "" ...
## $ : chr [1:168315] "cOLIVER" "TWIST" "" "OR" ...
## $ : chr [1:333646] "cTHE" "LIFE" "AND" "ADVENTURES" ...
## $ : chr [1:227329] "cThe" "Old" "Curiosity" "Shop" ...
## $ : chr [1:261049] "cBARNABY" "RUDGE" "" "A" ...
## $ : chr [1:348033] "cLIFE" "AND" "ADVENTURES" "OF" ...
## $ : chr [1:366795] "cDOMBEY" "AND" "SON" "" ...
## $ : chr [1:367677] "cDAVID" "COPPERFIELD" "" "" ...
## $ : chr [1:365843] "cBLEAK" "HOUSE" "" "by" ...
## $ : chr [1:112339] "c" "" "" "" ...
## $ : chr [1:349101] "cLITTLE" "DORRIT" "" "By" ...
## $ : chr [1:141401] "cA" "TALE" "OF" "TWO" ...
## $ : chr [1:190503] "cGREAT" "EXPECTATIONS" "" "1867" ...
## $ : chr [1:338590] "cOUR" "MUTUAL" "FRIEND" "" ...
## $ : chr [1:103509] "c" "" "" "" ... first_book = all_Dickens_Novels_text[1] %>% unlist() %>% str_c(collapse = " ")
first_book_spitted = first_book %>% str_split_fixed("CHAPTER", n = Inf)
first_book## [1] "cTHE PICKWICK PAPERS By Charles Dickens CONTENTS THE POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF THE PICKWICK CLUB CHAPTER I <U+00A0><U+00A0>THE PICKWICKIANS CHAPTER II <U+00A0><U+00A0>THE FIRST DAYS JOURNEY AND THE FIRST EVENINGS ADVENTURES WITH THEIR CONSEQUENCES CHAPTER III <U+00A0><U+00A0>A NEW ACQUAINTANCETHE STROLLERS TALE A DISAGREEABLE INTERRUPTION AND AN UNPLEASANT ENCOUNTER CHAPTER IV <U+00A0><U+00A0>A FIELD DAY AND BIVOUACMORE NEW FRIENDS CHAPTER V <U+00A0><U+00A0>A SHORT ONESHOWING AMONG OTHER MATTERS CHAPTER VI <U+00A0><U+00A0>AN OLDFASHIONED CARDPARTYTHE CLERGYMANS VERSES CHAPTER VII <U+00A0><U+00A0>HOW MR WINKLE INSTEAD OF SHOOTING AT THE PIGEON CHAPTER VIII <U+00A0><U+00A0>STRONGLY ILLUSTRATIVE OF THE POSITION CHAPTER IX <U+00A0><U+00A0>A DISCOVERY AND A CHASE CHAPTER X <U+00A0><U+00A0>CLEARING UP ALL DOUBTS IF ANY EXISTED CHAPTER XI <U+00A0><U+00A0>INVOLVING ANOTHER JOURNEY AND AN ANTIQUARIAN DISCOVERY CHAPTER XII <U+00A0><U+00A0>DESCRIPTIVE OF A VERY IMPORTANT PROCEEDING CHAPTER XIII <U+00A0><U+00A0>SOME ACCOUNT OF EATANSWILL OF THE STATE OF PARTIES CHAPTER XIV <U+00A0><U+00A0>COMPRISING A BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF THE COMPANY CHAPTER XV <U+00A0><U+00A0>IN WHICH IS GIVEN A FAITHFUL PORTRAITURE CHAPTER XVI <U+00A0><U+00A0>TOO FULL OF ADVENTURE TO BE BRIEFLY DESCRIBED CHAPTER XVII <U+00A0><U+00A0>SHOWING THAT AN ATTACK OF RHEUMATISM CHAPTER XVIII <U+00A0><U+00A0>BRIEFLY ILLUSTRATIVE OF TWO POINTS CHAPTER XIX <U+00A0><U+00A0>A PLEASANT DAY WITH AN UNPLEASANT TERMINATION CHAPTER XX <U+00A0><U+00A0>SHOWING HOW DODSON AND FOGG WERE MEN OF BUSINESS CHAPTER XXI <U+00A0><U+00A0>IN WHICH THE OLD MAN LAUNCHES FORTH CHAPTER XXII <U+00A0><U+00A0>MR PICKWICK JOURNEYS TO IPSWICH AND MEETS WITH A ROMANTIC CHAPTER XXIII <U+00A0><U+00A0>IN WHICH MR SAMUEL WELLER BEGINS TO DEVOTE HIS ENERGIES CHAPTER XXIV <U+00A0><U+00A0>WHEREIN MR PETER MAGNUS GROWS JEALOUS CHAPTER XXV <U+00A0><U+00A0>SHOWING AMONG A VARIETY OF PLEASANT MATTERS HOW MAJESTIC CHAPTER XXVI <U+00A0><U+00A0>WHICH CONTAINS A BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE PROGRESS CHAPTER XXVII <U+00A0><U+00A0>SAMUEL WELLER MAKES A PILGRIMAGE TO DORKING CHAPTER XXVIII <U+00A0><U+00A0>A GOODHUMOURED CHRISTMAS CHAPTER CHAPTER XXIX <U+00A0><U+00A0>THE STORY OF THE GOBLINS WHO STOLE A SEXTON CHAPTER XXX <U+00A0><U+00A0>HOW THE PICKWICKIANS MADE AND CULTIVATED THE ACQUAINTANCE CHAPTER XXXI <U+00A0><U+00A0>WHICH IS ALL ABOUT THE LAW AND SUNDRY GREAT AUTHORITIES CHAPTER XXXII <U+00A0><U+00A0>DESCRIBES FAR MORE FULLY THAN THE COURT NEWSMAN EVER CHAPTER XXXIII <U+00A0><U+00A0>MR WELLER THE ELDER DELIVERS SOME CRITICAL SENTIMENTS CHAPTER XXXIV <U+00A0><U+00A0>IS WHOLLY DEVOTED TO A FULL AND FAITHFUL REPORT CHAPTER XXXV <U+00A0><U+00A0>IN WHICH MR PICKWICK THINKS HE HAD BETTER GO TO BATH CHAPTER XXXVI <U+00A0><U+00A0>THE CHIEF FEATURES OF WHICH WILL BE FOUND CHAPTER XXXVII <U+00A0><U+00A0>HONOURABLY ACCOUNTS FOR MR WELLERS ABSENCE CHAPTER XXXVIII <U+00A0><U+00A0><U+00A0><U+00A0>HOW MR WINKLE WHEN HE STEPPED OUT OF THE FRYING PAN CHAPTER XXXIX <U+00A0><U+00A0>MR SAMUEL WELLER BEING INTRUSTED WITH A MISSION CHAPTER XL <U+00A0><U+00A0>INTRODUCES MR PICKWICK TO A NEW AND NOT UNINTERESTING SCENE CHAPTER XLI <U+00A0><U+00A0>WHAT BEFELL MR PICKWICK WHEN HE GOT INTO THE FLEET CHAPTER XLII <U+00A0><U+00A0>ILLUSTRATIVE LIKE THE PRECEDING ONE OF THE OLD PROVERB CHAPTER XLIII <U+00A0><U+00A0>SHOWING HOW Mr SAMUEL WELLER GOT INTO DIFFICULTIES CHAPTER LXIV <U+00A0><U+00A0>TREATS OF DIVERS LITTLE MATTERS WHICH OCCURRED CHAPTER XLIV <U+00A0><U+00A0>DESCRIPTIVE OF AN AFFECTING INTERVIEW CHAPTER XLVI <U+00A0><U+00A0>RECORDS A TOUCHING ACT OF DELICATE FEELING CHAPTER XLVII <U+00A0><U+00A0>IS CHIEFLY DEVOTED TO MATTERS OF BUSINESS CHAPTER XLVIII <U+00A0><U+00A0>RELATES HOW MR PICKWICK WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF SAMUEL CHAPTER XLIX <U+00A0><U+00A0>CONTAINING THE STORY OF THE BAGMANS UNCLE CHAPTER L <U+00A0><U+00A0>HOW MR PICKWICK SPED UPON HIS MISSION CHAPTER LI <U+00A0><U+00A0>IN WHICH MR PICKWICK ENCOUNTERS AN OLD ACQUAINTANCE CHAPTER LII <U+00A0><U+00A0>INVOLVING A SERIOUS CHANGE IN THE WELLER FAMILY CHAPTER LIII <U+00A0><U+00A0>COMPRISING THE FINAL EXIT OF MR JINGLE AND JOB TROTTER CHAPTER LIV <U+00A0><U+00A0>CONTAINING SOME PARTICULARS RELATIVE TO THE DOUBLE KNOCK CHAPTER LV <U+00A0><U+00A0>MR SOLOMON PELL ASSISTED BY A SELECT COMMITTEE CHAPTER LVI <U+00A0><U+00A0>AN IMPORTANT CONFERENCE TAKES PLACE CHAPTER LVII <U+00A0><U+00A0>IN WHICH THE PICKWICK CLUB IS FINALLY DISSOLVED DETAILED CONTENTS 1 The Pickwickians 2 The first Days Journey and the first Evenings Adventures with their Consequences 3 A new AcquaintanceThe Strollers TaleA disagreeable Interruption and an unpleasant Encounter 4 A Field Day and BivouacMore new FriendsAn Invitation to the Country 5 A short oneShowing among other Matters how Mr Pickwick undertook to drive and Mr Winkle to ride and how they both did it 6 An oldfashioned CardpartyThe Clergymans versesThe Story of the Convicts Return 7 How Mr Winkle instead of shooting at the Pigeon and killing the Crow shot at the Crow and wounded the Pigeon how the Dingley Dell Cricket Club played AllMuggleton and how All Muggleton dined at the Dingley Dell Expense with other interesting and instructive Matters 8 Strongly illustrative of the Position that the Course of True Love is not a Railway 9 A Discovery and a Chase 10 Clearing up all Doubts if any existed of the Disinterestedness of Mr A Jingles Character 11 Involving another Journey and an Antiquarian Discovery Recording Mr Pickwicks Determination to be present at an Election and containing a Manuscript of the old Clergymans 12 Descriptive of a very important Proceeding on the Part of Mr Pickwick no less an Epoch in his Life than in this History 13 Some Account of Eatanswill of the State of Parties therein and of the Election of a Member to serve in Parliament for that ancient loyal and patriotic Borough 14 Comprising a brief Description of the Company at the Peacock assembled and a Tale told by a Bagman 15 In which is given a faithful Portraiture of two distinguished Persons and an accurate Description of a public Breakfast in their House and Grounds which public Breakfast leads to the Recognition of an old Acquaintance and the Commencement of anothe r Chapter 16 Too full of Adventure to be briefly described 17 Showing that an Attack of Rheumatism in some Cases acts as a Quickener to inventive Genius 18 Briefly illustrative of two Points first the Power of Hysterics and secondly the Force of Circumstances 19 A pleasant Day with an unpleasant Termination 20 Showing how Dodson and Fogg were Men of Business and their Clerks Men of pleasure and how an affecting Interview took place between Mr Weller and his longlost Parent showing also what Choice Spirits assembled at the Magpie and Stump and what a C apital Chapter the next one will be 21 In which the old Man launches forth into his favourite Theme and relates a Story about a queer Client 22 Mr Pickwick journeys to Ipswich and meets with a romantic Adventure with a middleaged Lady in yellow Curlpapers 23 In which Mr Samuel Weller begins to devote his Energies to the Return Match between himself and Mr Trotter 24 Wherein Mr Peter Magnus grows jealous and the middleaged Lady apprehensive which brings the Pickwickians within the Grasp of the Law 25 Showing among a Variety of pleasant Matters how majestic and impartial Mr Nupkins was and how Mr Weller returned Mr Job Trotters Shuttlecock as heavily as it came With another Matter which will be found in its Place 26 Which contains a brief Account of the Progress of the Action of Bardell against Pickwick 27 Samuel Weller makes a Pilgrimage to Dorking and beholds his Motherinlaw 28 A goodhumoured Christmas Chapter containing an Account of a Wedding and some other Sports beside which although in their Way even as good Customs as Marriage itself are not quite so religiously kept up in these degenerate Times 29 The Story of the Goblins who stole a Sexton 30 How the Pickwickians made and cultivated the Acquaintance of a Couple of nice young Men belonging to one of the liberal Professions how they disported themselves on the Ice and how their Visit came to a Conclusion 31 Which is all about the Law and sundry Great Authorities learned therein 32 Describes far more fully than the Court Newsman ever did a Bachelors Party given by Mr Bob Sawyer at his Lodgings in the Borough 33 Mr Weller the elder delivers some Critical Sentiments respecting Literary Composition and assisted by his Son Samuel pays a small Instalment of Retaliation to the Account of the Reverend Gentleman with the Red Nose 34 Is wholly devoted to a full and faithful Report of the memorable Trial of Bardell against Pickwick 35 In which Mr Pickwick thinks he had better go to Bath and goes accordingly 36 The chief Features of which will be found to be an authentic Version of the Legend of Prince Bladud and a most extraordinary Calamity that befell Mr Winkle 37 Honourably accounts for Mr Wellers Absence by describing a Soiree to which he was invited and went also relates how he was intrusted by Mr Pickwick with a Private Mission of Delicacy and Importance 38 How Mr Winkle when he stepped out of the Fryingpan walked gently and comfortably into the Fire 39 Mr Samuel Weller being intrusted with a Mission of Love proceeds to execute it with what Success will hereinafter appear 40 Introduces Mr Pickwick to a new and not uninteresting Scene in the great Drama of Life 41 What befell Mr Pickwick when he got into the Fleet what Prisoners he saw there and how he passed the Night 42 Illustrative like the preceding one of the old Proverb that Adversity brings a Man acquainted with strange BedfellowsLikewise containing Mr Pickwicks extraordinary and startling Announcement to Mr Samuel Weller 43 Showing how Mr Samuel Weller got into Difficulties 44 Treats of divers little Matters which occurred in the Fleet and of Mr Winkles mysterious Behaviour and shows how the poor Chancery Prisoner obtained his Release at last 45 Descriptive of an affecting Interview between Mr Samuel Weller and a Family Party Mr Pickwick makes a Tour of the diminutive World he inhabits and resolves to mix with it in Future as little as possible 46 Records a touching Act of delicate Feeling not unmixed with Pleasantry achieved and performed by Messrs Dodson and Fogg 47 Is chiefly devoted to Matters of Business and the temporal Advantage of Dodson and FoggMr Winkle reappears under extraordinary CircumstancesMr Pickwicks Benevolence proves stronger than his Obstinacy 48 Relates how Mr Pickwick with the Assistance of Samuel Weller essayed to soften the Heart of Mr Benjamin Allen and to mollify the Wrath of Mr Robert Sawyer 49 Containing the Story of the Bagmans Uncle 50 How Mr Pickwick sped upon his Mission and how he was reinforced in the Outset by a most unexpected Auxiliary 51 In which Mr Pickwick encounters an old AcquaintanceTo which fortunate Circumstance the Reader is mainly indebted for Matter of thrilling Interest herein set down concerning two great Public Men of Might and Power 52 Involving a serious Change in the Weller Family and the untimely Downfall of Mr Stiggins 53 Comprising the final Exit of Mr Jingle and Job Trotter with a great Morning of business in Grays Inn SquareConcluding with a Double Knock at Mr Perkers Door 54 Containing some Particulars relative to the Double Knock and other Matters among which certain interesting Disclosures relative to Mr Snodgrass and a Young Lady are by no Means irrelevant to this History 55 Mr Solomon Pell assisted by a Select Committee of Coachmen arranges the affairs of the elder Mr Weller 56 An important Conference takes place between Mr Pickwick and Samuel Weller at which his Parent assistsAn old Gentleman in a snuffcoloured Suit arrives unexpectedly 57 In which the Pickwick Club is finally dissolved and everything concluded to the Satisfaction of Everybody THE POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF THE PICKWICK CLUB CHAPTER I THE PICKWICKIANS The first ray of light which illumines the gloom and converts into a dazzling brilliancy that obscurity in which the earlier history of the public career of the immortal Pickwick would appear to be involved is derived from the perusal of the following entry in the Transactions of the Pickwick Club which the editor of these papers feels the highest pleasure in laying before his readers as a proof of the careful attention indefatigable assiduity and nice discrimination with which his search among the multifarious documents confided to him has been conducted May 12 1827 Joseph Smiggers Esq PVPMPC Perpetual Vice PresidentMember Pickwick Club presiding The following resolutions unanimously agreed to That this Association has heard read with feelings of unmingled satisfaction and unqualified approval the paper communicated by Samuel Pickwick Esq GCMPC General ChairmanMember Pickwick Club entitled Speculations on the Source of the Hampstead Ponds with some Observations on the Theory of Tittlebats and that this Association does hereby return its warmest thanks to the said Samuel Pickwick Esq GCMPC for the same That while this Association is deeply sensible of the advantages which must accrue to the cause of science from the production to which they have just advertedno less than from the unwearied researches of Samuel Pickwick Esq GCMPC in Hornsey Highgate Brixton and Camberwellthey cannot but entertain a lively sense of the inestimable benefits which must inevitably result from carrying the speculations of that learned man into a wider field from extending his travels and consequently enlarging his sphere of observation to the advancement of knowledge and the diffusion of learning That with the view just mentioned this Association has taken into its serious consideration a proposal emanating from the aforesaid Samuel Pickwick Esq GCMPC and three other Pickwickians hereinafter named for forming a new branch of United Pickwickians under the title of The Corresponding Society of the Pickwick Club That the said proposal has received the sanction and approval of this Association That the Corresponding Society of the Pickwick Club is therefore hereby constituted and that Samuel Pickwick Esq GCMPC Tracy Tupman Esq MPC Augustus Snodgrass Esq MPC and Nathaniel Winkle Esq MPC are hereby nominated and appointed members of the same and that they be requested to forward from time to time authenticated accounts of their journeys and investigations of their observations of character and manners and of the whole of their adventures together with all tales and papers to which local scenery or associations may give rise to the Pickwick Club stationed in London That this Association cordially recognises the principle of every member of the Corresponding Society defraying his own travelling expenses and that it sees no objection whatever to the members of the said society pursuing their inquiries for any length of time they please upon the same terms That the members of the aforesaid Corresponding Society be and are hereby informed that their proposal to pay the postage of their letters and the carriage of their parcels has been deliberated upon by this Association that this Association considers such proposal worthy of the great minds from which it emanated and that it hereby signifies its perfect acquiescence therein A casual observer adds the secretary to whose notes we are indebted for the following accounta casual observer might possibly have remarked nothing extraordinary in the bald head and circular spectacles which were intently turned towards his the secretarys face during the reading of the above resolutions to those who knew that the gigantic brain of Pickwick was working beneath that forehead and that the beaming eyes of Pickwick were twinkling behind those glasses the sight was indeed an interesting one There sat the man who had traced to their source the mighty ponds of Hampstead and agitated the scientific world with his Theory of Tittlebats as calm and unmoved as the deep waters of the one on a frosty day or as a solitary specimen of the other in the inmost recesses of an earthen jar And how much more interesting did the spectacle become when starting into full life and animation as a simultaneous call for Pickwick burst from his followers that illustrious man slowly mounted into the Windsor chair on which he had been previously seated and addressed the club himself had founded What a study for an artist did that exciting scene present The eloquent Pickwick with one hand gracefully concealed behind his coat tails and the other waving in air to assist his glowing declamation his elevated position revealing those tights and gaiters which had they clothed an ordinary man might have passed without observation but which when Pickwick clothed themif we may use the expressioninspired involuntary awe and respect surrounded by the men who had volunteered to share the perils of his travels and who were destined to participate in the glories of his discoveries On his right sat Mr Tracy Tupmanthe too susceptible Tupman who to the wisdom and experience of maturer years superadded the enthusiasm and ardour of a boy in the most interesting and pardonable of human weaknesseslove Time and feeding had expanded that once romantic form the black silk waistcoat had become more and more developed inch by inch had the gold watchchain beneath it disappeared from within the range of Tupmans vision and gradually had the capacious chin encroached upon the borders of the white cravat but the soul of Tupman had known no change admiration of the fair sex was still its ruling passion On the left of his great leader sat the poetic Snodgrass and near him again the sporting Winkle the former poetically enveloped in a mysterious blue cloak with a canineskin collar and the latter communicating additional lustre to a new green shootingcoat plaid neckerchief and closely fitted drabs Mr Pickwicks oration upon this occasion together with the debate thereon is entered on the Transactions of the Club Both bear a strong affinity to the discussions of other celebrated bodies and as it is always interesting to trace a resemblance between the proceedings of great men we transfer the entry to these pages Mr Pickwick observed says the secretary that fame was dear to the heart of every man Poetic fame was dear to the heart of his friend Snodgrass the fame of conquest was equally dear to his friend Tupman and the desire of earning fame in the sports of the field the air and the water was uppermost in the breast of his friend Winkle He Mr Pickwick would not deny that he was influenced by human passions and human feelings cheerspossibly by human weaknesses loud cries of No but this he would say that if ever the fire of selfimportance broke out in his bosom the desire to benefit the human race in preference effectually quenched it The praise of mankind was his swing philanthropy was his insurance office Vehement cheering He had felt some pridehe acknowledged it freely and let his enemies make the most of ithe had felt some pride when he presented his Tittlebatian Theory to the world it might be celebrated or it might not A cry of It is and great cheering He would take the assertion of that honourable Pickwickian whose voice he had just heardit was celebrated but if the fame of that treatise were to extend to the farthest confines of the known world the pride with which he should reflect on the authorship of that production would be as nothing compared with the pride with which he looked around him on this the proudest moment of his existence Cheers He was a humble individual No no Still he could not but feel that they had selected him for a service of great honour and of some danger Travelling was in a troubled state and the minds of coachmen were unsettled Let them look abroad and contemplate the scenes which were enacting around them Stagecoaches were upsetting in all directions horses were bolting boats were overturning and boilers were bursting Cheersa voice No No Cheers Let that honourable Pickwickian who cried No so loudly come forward and deny it if he could Cheers Who was it that cried No Enthusiastic cheering Was it some vain and disappointed manhe would not say haberdasher loud cheerswho jealous of the praise which had beenperhaps undeservedlybestowed on his Mr Pickwicks researches and smarting under the censure which had been heaped upon his own feeble attempts at rivalry now took this vile and calumnious mode of MR BLOTTON of Aldgate rose to order Did the honourable Pickwickian allude to him Cries of Order Chair Yes No Go on Leave off etc MR PICKWICK would not put up to be put down by clamour He had alluded to the honourable gentleman Great excitement MR BLOTTON would only say then that he repelled the hon gents false and scurrilous accusation with profound contempt Great cheering The hon gent was a humbug Immense confusion and loud cries of Chair and Order Mr A SNODGRASS rose to order He threw himself upon the chair Hear He wished to know whether this disgraceful contest between two members of that club should be allowed to continue Hear hear The CHAIRMAN was quite sure the hon Pickwickian would withdraw the expression he had just made use of MR BLOTTON with all possible respect for the chair was quite sure he would not The CHAIRMAN felt it his imperative duty to demand of the honourable gentleman whether he had used the expression which had just escaped him in a common sense MR BLOTTON had no hesitation in saying that he had nothe had used the word in its Pickwickian sense Hear hear He was bound to acknowledge that personally he entertained the highest regard and esteem for the honourable gentleman he had merely considered him a humbug in a Pickwickian point of view Hear hear MR PICKWICK felt much gratified by the fair candid and full explanation of his honourable friend He begged it to be at once understood that his own observations had been merely intended to bear a Pickwickian construction Cheers Here the entry terminates as we have no doubt the debate did also after arriving at such a highly satisfactory and intelligible point We have no official statement of the facts which the reader will find recorded in the next chapter but they have been carefully collated from letters and other MS authorities so unquestionably genuine as to justify their narration in a connected form CHAPTER II THE FIRST DAYS JOURNEY AND THE FIRST EVENINGS ADVENTURES WITH THEIR CONSEQUENCES That punctual servant of all work the sun had just risen and begun to strike a light on the morning of the thirteenth of May one thousand eight hundred and twentyseven when Mr Samuel Pickwick burst like another sun from his slumbers threw open his chamber window and looked out upon the world beneath Goswell Street was at his feet Goswell Street was on his right handas far as the eye could reach Goswell Street extended on his left and the opposite side of Goswell Street was over the way Such thought Mr Pickwick are the narrow views of those philosophers who content with examining the things that lie before them look not to the truths which are hidden beyond As well might I be content to gaze on Goswell Street for ever without one effort to penetrate to the hidden countries which on every side surround it And having given vent to this beautiful reflection Mr Pickwick proceeded to put himself into his clothes and his clothes into his portmanteau Great men are seldom over scrupulous in the arrangement of their attire the operation of shaving dressing and coffeeimbibing was soon performed and in another hour Mr Pickwick with his portmanteau in his hand his telescope in his greatcoat pocket and his notebook in his waistcoat ready for the reception of any discoveries worthy of being noted down had arrived at the coachstand in St MartinsleGrand Cab said Mr Pickwick Here you are sir shouted a strange specimen of the human race in a sackcloth coat and apron of the same who with a brass label and number round his neck looked as if he were catalogued in some collection of rarities This was the waterman Here you are sir Now then fust cab And the first cab having been fetched from the public house where he had been smoking his first pipe Mr Pickwick and his portmanteau were thrown into the vehicle Golden Cross said Mr Pickwick Only a bobs vorth Tommy cried the driver sulkily for the information of his friend the waterman as the cab drove off How old is that horse my friend inquired Mr Pickwick rubbing his nose with the shilling he had reserved for the fare Fortytwo replied the driver eyeing him askant What ejaculated Mr Pickwick laying his hand upon his notebook The driver reiterated his former statement Mr Pickwick looked very hard at the mans face but his features were immovable so he noted down the fact forthwith And how long do you keep him out at a time inquired Mr Pickwick searching for further information Two or three veeks replied the man Weeks said Mr Pickwick in astonishment and out came the notebook again He lives at Pentonwil when hes at home observed the driver coolly but we seldom takes him home on account of his weakness On account of his weakness reiterated the perplexed Mr Pickwick He always falls down when hes took out o the cab continued the driver but when hes in it we bears him up werry tight and takes him in werry short so as he cant werry well fall down and weve got a pair o precious large wheels on so ven he does move they run after him and he must go onhe cant help it Mr Pickwick entered every word of this statement in his notebook with the view of communicating it to the club as a singular instance of the tenacity of life in horses under trying circumstances The entry was scarcely completed when they reached the Golden Cross Down jumped the driver and out got Mr Pickwick Mr Tupman Mr Snodgrass and Mr Winkle who had been anxiously waiting the arrival of their illustrious leader crowded to welcome him Heres your fare said Mr Pickwick holding out the shilling to the driver What was the learned mans astonishment when that unaccountable person flung the money on the pavement and requested in figurative terms to be allowed the pleasure of fighting him Mr Pickwick for the amount You are mad said Mr Snodgrass Or drunk said Mr Winkle Or both said Mr Tupman Come on said the cabdriver sparring away like clockwork Come on all four on you Heres a lark shouted half a dozen hackney coachmen Go to vork Samand they crowded with great glee round the party Whats the row Sam inquired one gentleman in black calico sleeves Row replied the cabman what did he want my number for I didnt want your number said the astonished Mr Pickwick What did you take it for then inquired the cabman I didnt take it said Mr Pickwick indignantly Would anybody believe continued the cabdriver appealing to the crowd would anybody believe as an informerud go about in a mans cab not only takin down his number but evry word he says into the bargain a light flashed upon Mr Pickwickit was the notebook Did he though inquired another cabman Yes did he replied the first and then arter aggerawatin me to assault him gets three witnesses here to prove it But Ill give it him if Ive six months for it Come on and the cabman dashed his hat upon the ground with a reckless disregard of his own private property and knocked Mr Pickwicks spectacles off and followed up the attack with a blow on Mr Pickwicks nose and another on Mr Pickwicks chest and a third in Mr Snodgrasss eye and a fourth by way of variety in Mr Tupmans waistcoat and then danced into the road and then back again to the pavement and finally dashed the whole temporary supply of breath out of Mr Winkles body and all in half a dozen seconds Wheres an officer said Mr Snodgrass Put em under the pump suggested a hotpieman You shall smart for this gasped Mr Pickwick Informers shouted the crowd Come on cried the cabman who had been sparring without cessation the whole time The mob hitherto had been passive spectators of the scene but as the intelligence of the Pickwickians being informers was spread among them they began to canvass with considerable vivacity the propriety of enforcing the heated pastryvendors proposition and there is no saying what acts of personal aggression they might have committed had not the affray been unexpectedly terminated by the interposition of a newcomer Whats the fun said a rather tall thin young man in a green coat emerging suddenly from the coachyard Informers shouted the crowd again We are not roared Mr Pickwick in a tone which to any dispassionate listener carried conviction with it Aint you thoughaint you said the young man appealing to Mr Pickwick and making his way through the crowd by the infallible process of elbowing the countenances of its component members That learned man in a few hurried words explained the real state of the case Come along then said he of the green coat lugging Mr Pickwick after him by main force and talking the whole way Here No 924 take your fare and take yourself offrespectable gentlemanknow him well none of your nonsensethis way sirwheres your friendsall a mistake I seenever mindaccidents will happenbest regulated familiesnever say diedown upon your luckPull him upPut that in his pipelike the flavourdamned rascals And with a lengthened string of similar broken sentences delivered with extraordinary volubility the stranger led the way to the travellers waitingroom whither he was closely followed by Mr Pickwick and his disciples Here waiter shouted the stranger ringing the bell with tremendous violence glasses roundbrandyandwater hot and strong and sweet and plentyeye damaged Sir Waiter raw beefsteak for the gentlemans eyenothing like raw beefsteak for a bruise sir cold lamppost very good but lamppost inconvenientdamned odd standing in the open street half an hour with your eye against a lampposteh very goodha ha And the stranger without stopping to take breath swallowed at a draught full half a pint of the reeking brandyandwater and flung himself into a chair with as much ease as if nothing uncommon had occurred While his three companions were busily engaged in proffering their thanks to their new acquaintance Mr Pickwick had leisure to examine his costume and appearance He was about the middle height but the thinness of his body and the length of his legs gave him the appearance of being much taller The green coat had been a smart dress garment in the days of swallowtails but had evidently in those times adorned a much shorter man than the stranger for the soiled and faded sleeves scarcely reached to his wrists It was buttoned closely up to his chin at the imminent hazard of splitting the back and an old stock without a vestige of shirt collar ornamented his neck His scanty black trousers displayed here and there those shiny patches which bespeak long service and were strapped very tightly over a pair of patched and mended shoes as if to conceal the dirty white stockings which were nevertheless distinctly visible His long black hair escaped in negligent waves from beneath each side of his old pinchedup hat and glimpses of his bare wrists might be observed between the tops of his gloves and the cuffs of his coat sleeves His face was thin and haggard but an indescribable air of jaunty impudence and perfect selfpossession pervaded the whole man Such was the individual on whom Mr Pickwick gazed through his spectacles which he had fortunately recovered and to whom he proceeded when his friends had exhausted themselves to return in chosen terms his warmest thanks for his recent assistance Never mind said the stranger cutting the address very short said enoughno more smart chap that cabmanhandled his fives well but if Id been your friend in the green jemmydamn mepunch his headcod I wouldpigs whisperpieman toono gammon This coherent speech was interrupted by the entrance of the Rochester coachman to announce that the Commodore was on the point of starting Commodore said the stranger starting up my coachplace booked one outsideleave you to pay for the brandyandwaterwant change for a fivebad silverBrummagem buttonswont dono goeh and he shook his head most knowingly Now it so happened that Mr Pickwick and his three companions had resolved to make Rochester their first haltingplace too and having intimated to their newfound acquaintance that they were journeying to the same city they agreed to occupy the seat at the back of the coach where they could all sit together Up with you said the stranger assisting Mr Pickwick on to the roof with so much precipitation as to impair the gravity of that gentlemans deportment very materially Any luggage Sir inquired the coachman WhoI Brown paper parcel here thats allother luggage gone by waterpackingcases nailed upbig as housesheavy heavy damned heavy replied the stranger as he forced into his pocket as much as he could of the brown paper parcel which presented most suspicious indications of containing one shirt and a handkerchief Heads headstake care of your heads cried the loquacious stranger as they came out under the low archway which in those days formed the entrance to the coachyard Terrible placedangerous workother day five childrenmothertall lady eating sandwichesforgot the arch crashknockchildren look roundmothers head offsandwich in her handno mouth to put it inhead of a family offshocking shocking Looking at Whitehall sirfine placelittle windowsomebody elses head off there eh sirhe didnt keep a sharp lookout enough either eh Sir eh I am ruminating said Mr Pickwick on the strange mutability of human affairs Ah I seein at the palace door one day out at the window the next Philosopher Sir An observer of human nature Sir said Mr Pickwick Ah so am I Most people are when theyve little to do and less to get Poet Sir My friend Mr Snodgrass has a strong poetic turn said Mr Pickwick So have I said the stranger Epic poemten thousand lines revolution of Julycomposed it on the spotMars by day Apollo by nightbang the fieldpiece twang the lyre You were present at that glorious scene sir said Mr Snodgrass Present think I was fired a musketfired with an idearushed into wine shopwrote it downback againwhiz banganother ideawine shop againpen and inkback againcut and slashnoble time Sir Sportsman sirabruptly turning to Mr Winkle A remarkable instance of the prophetic force of Mr Jingles imagination this dialogue occurring in the year 1827 and the Revolution in 1830 A little Sir replied that gentleman Fine pursuit sirfine pursuitDogs Sir Not just now said Mr Winkle Ah you should keep dogsfine animalssagacious creaturesdog of my own oncepointersurprising instinctout shooting one dayentering inclosurewhistleddog stoppedwhistled againPontono go stock stillcalled himPonto Pontowouldnt movedog transfixedstaring at a boardlooked up saw an inscriptionGamekeeper has orders to shoot all dogs found in this inclosurewouldnt pass itwonderful dogvaluable dog thatvery Singular circumstance that said Mr Pickwick Will you allow me to make a note of it Certainly Sir certainlyhundred more anecdotes of the same animal Fine girl Sir to Mr Tracy Tupman who had been bestowing sundry antiPickwickian glances on a young lady by the roadside Very said Mr Tupman English girls not so fine as Spanishnoble creaturesjet hairblack eyeslovely formssweet creaturesbeautiful You have been in Spain sir said Mr Tracy Tupman Lived thereages Many conquests sir inquired Mr Tupman Conquests Thousands Don Bolaro Fizzgiggrandeeonly daughterDonna Christinasplendid creatureloved me to distractionjealous father highsouled daughterhandsome EnglishmanDonna Christina in despair prussic acidstomach pump in my portmanteauoperation performedold Bolaro in ecstasiesconsent to our unionjoin hands and floods of tearsromantic storyvery Is the lady in England now sir inquired Mr Tupman on whom the description of her charms had produced a powerful impression Dead sirdead said the stranger applying to his right eye the brief remnant of a very old cambric handkerchief Never recovered the stomach pumpundermined constitutionfell a victim And her father inquired the poetic Snodgrass Remorse and misery replied the stranger Sudden disappearancetalk of the whole citysearch made everywhere without successpublic fountain in the great square suddenly ceased playingweeks elapsed still a stoppageworkmen employed to clean itwater drawn offfather inlaw discovered sticking head first in the main pipe with a full confession in his right boottook him out and the fountain played away again as well as ever Will you allow me to note that little romance down Sir said Mr Snodgrass deeply affected Certainly Sir certainlyfifty more if you like to hear emstrange life minerather curious historynot extraordinary but singular In this strain with an occasional glass of ale by way of parenthesis when the coach changed horses did the stranger proceed until they reached Rochester bridge by which time the notebooks both of Mr Pickwick and Mr Snodgrass were completely filled with selections from his adventures Magnificent ruin said Mr Augustus Snodgrass with all the poetic fervour that distinguished him when they came in sight of the fine old castle What a study for an antiquarian were the very words which fell from Mr Pickwicks mouth as he applied his telescope to his eye Ah fine place said the stranger glorious pilefrowning walls tottering archesdark nookscrumbling staircasesold cathedral too earthy smellpilgrims feet wore away the old stepslittle Saxon doorsconfessionals like moneytakers boxes at theatresqueer customers those monkspopes and lord treasurers and all sorts of old fellows with great red faces and broken noses turning up every day buff jerkins toomatchlockssarcophagusfine placeold legends too strange stories capital and the stranger continued to soliloquise until they reached the Bull Inn in the High Street where the coach stopped Do you remain here Sir inquired Mr Nathaniel Winkle Herenot Ibut youd bettergood housenice bedsWrights next house dearvery dearhalfacrown in the bill if you look at the waitercharge you more if you dine at a friends than they would if you dined in the coffeeroomrum fellowsvery Mr Winkle turned to Mr Pickwick and murmured a few words a whisper passed from Mr Pickwick to Mr Snodgrass from Mr Snodgrass to Mr Tupman and nods of assent were exchanged Mr Pickwick addressed the stranger You rendered us a very important service this morning sir said he will you allow us to offer a slight mark of our gratitude by begging the favour of your company at dinner Great pleasurenot presume to dictate but broiled fowl and mushrooms capital thing What time Let me see replied Mr Pickwick referring to his watch it is now nearly three Shall we say five Suit me excellently said the stranger five preciselytill then care of yourselves and lifting the pinchedup hat a few inches from his head and carelessly replacing it very much on one side the stranger with half the brown paper parcel sticking out of his pocket walked briskly up the yard and turned into the High Street Evidently a traveller in many countries and a close observer of men and things said Mr Pickwick I should like to see his poem said Mr Snodgrass I should like to have seen that dog said Mr Winkle Mr Tupman said nothing but he thought of Donna Christina the stomach pump and the fountain and his eyes filled with tears A private sittingroom having been engaged bedrooms inspected and dinner ordered the party walked out to view the city and adjoining neighbourhood We do not find from a careful perusal of Mr Pickwicks notes of the four towns Stroud Rochester Chatham and Brompton that his impressions of their appearance differ in any material point from those of other travellers who have gone over the same ground His general description is easily abridged The principal productions of these towns says Mr Pickwick appear to be soldiers sailors Jews chalk shrimps officers and dockyard men The commodities chiefly exposed for sale in the public streets are marine stores hardbake apples flatfish and oysters The streets present a lively and animated appearance occasioned chiefly by the conviviality of the military It is truly delightful to a philanthropic mind to see these gallant men staggering along under the influence of an overflow both of animal and ardent spirits more especially when we remember that the following them about and jesting with them affords a cheap and innocent amusement for the boy population Nothing adds Mr Pickwick can exceed their goodhumour It was but the day before my arrival that one of them had been most grossly insulted in the house of a publican The barmaid had positively refused to draw him any more liquor in return for which he had merely in playfulness drawn his bayonet and wounded the girl in the shoulder And yet this fine fellow was the very first to go down to the house next morning and express his readiness to overlook the matter and forget what had occurred The consumption of tobacco in these towns continues Mr Pickwick must be very great and the smell which pervades the streets must be exceedingly delicious to those who are extremely fond of smoking A superficial traveller might object to the dirt which is their leading characteristic but to those who view it as an indication of traffic and commercial prosperity it is truly gratifying Punctual to five oclock came the stranger and shortly afterwards the dinner He had divested himself of his brown paper parcel but had made no alteration in his attire and was if possible more loquacious than ever Whats that he inquired as the waiter removed one of the covers Soles Sir Solesahcapital fishall come from Londonstagecoach proprietors get up political dinnerscarriage of solesdozens of basketscunning fellows Glass of wine Sir With pleasure said Mr Pickwick and the stranger took wine first with him and then with Mr Snodgrass and then with Mr Tupman and then with Mr Winkle and then with the whole party together almost as rapidly as he talked Devil of a mess on the staircase waiter said the stranger Forms going upcarpenters coming downlamps glasses harps Whats going forward Ball Sir said the waiter Assembly eh No Sir not assembly Sir Ball for the benefit of a charity Sir Many fine women in this town do you know Sir inquired Mr Tupman with great interest Splendidcapital Kent sireverybody knows Kentapples cherries hops and women Glass of wine Sir With great pleasure replied Mr Tupman The stranger filled and emptied I should very much like to go said Mr Tupman resuming the subject of the ball very much Tickets at the bar Sir interposed the waiter halfaguinea each Sir Mr Tupman again expressed an earnest wish to be present at the festivity but meeting with no response in the darkened eye of Mr Snodgrass or the abstracted gaze of Mr Pickwick he applied himself with great interest to the port wine and dessert which had just been placed on the table The waiter withdrew and the party were left to enjoy the cosy couple of hours succeeding dinner Beg your pardon sir said the stranger bottle standspass it roundway of the sunthrough the buttonholeno heeltaps and he emptied his glass which he had filled about two minutes before and poured out another with the air of a man who was used to it The wine was passed and a fresh supply ordered The visitor talked the Pickwickians listened Mr Tupman felt every moment more disposed for the ball Mr Pickwicks countenance glowed with an expression of universal philanthropy and Mr Winkle and Mr Snodgrass fell fast asleep Theyre beginning upstairs said the strangerhear the company fiddles tuningnow the harpthere they go The various sounds which found their way downstairs announced the commencement of the first quadrille How I should like to go said Mr Tupman again So should I said the strangerconfounded luggageheavy smacks nothing to go inodd aint it Now general benevolence was one of the leading features of the Pickwickian theory and no one was more remarkable for the zealous manner in which he observed so noble a principle than Mr Tracy Tupman The number of instances recorded on the Transactions of the Society in which that excellent man referred objects of charity to the houses of other members for leftoff garments or pecuniary relief is almost incredible I should be very happy to lend you a change of apparel for the purpose said Mr Tracy Tupman but you are rather slim and I am Rather fatgrownup Bacchuscut the leavesdismounted from the tub and adopted kersey ehnot double distilled but double milledha ha pass the wine Whether Mr Tupman was somewhat indignant at the peremptory tone in which he was desired to pass the wine which the stranger passed so quickly away or whether he felt very properly scandalised at an influential member of the Pickwick Club being ignominiously compared to a dismounted Bacchus is a fact not yet completely ascertained He passed the wine coughed twice and looked at the stranger for several seconds with a stern intensity as that individual however appeared perfectly collected and quite calm under his searching glance he gradually relaxed and reverted to the subject of the ball I was about to observe Sir he said that though my apparel would be too large a suit of my friend Mr Winkles would perhaps fit you better The stranger took Mr Winkles measure with his eye and that feature glistened with satisfaction as he said Just the thing Mr Tupman looked round him The wine which had exerted its somniferous influence over Mr Snodgrass and Mr Winkle had stolen upon the senses of Mr Pickwick That gentleman had gradually passed through the various stages which precede the lethargy produced by dinner and its consequences He had undergone the ordinary transitions from the height of conviviality to the depth of misery and from the depth of misery to the height of conviviality Like a gaslamp in the street with the wind in the pipe he had exhibited for a moment an unnatural brilliancy then sank so low as to be scarcely discernible after a short interval he had burst out again to enlighten for a moment then flickered with an uncertain staggering sort of light and then gone out altogether His head was sunk upon his bosom and perpetual snoring with a partial choke occasionally were the only audible indications of the great mans presence The temptation to be present at the ball and to form his first impressions of the beauty of the Kentish ladies was strong upon Mr Tupman The temptation to take the stranger with him was equally great He was wholly unacquainted with the place and its inhabitants and the stranger seemed to possess as great a knowledge of both as if he had lived there from his infancy Mr Winkle was asleep and Mr Tupman had had sufficient experience in such matters to know that the moment he awoke he would in the ordinary course of nature roll heavily to bed He was undecided Fill your glass and pass the wine said the indefatigable visitor Mr Tupman did as he was requested and the additional stimulus of the last glass settled his determination Winkles bedroom is inside mine said Mr Tupman I couldnt make him understand what I wanted if I woke him now but I know he has a dress suit in a carpet bag and supposing you wore it to the ball and took it off when we returned I could replace it without troubling him at all about the matter Capital said the stranger famous plandamned odd situation fourteen coats in the packingcases and obliged to wear another mans very good notion thatvery We must purchase our tickets said Mr Tupman Not worth while splitting a guinea said the stranger toss who shall pay for bothI call you spinfirst timewomanwomanbewitching woman and down came the sovereign with the dragon called by courtesy a woman uppermost Mr Tupman rang the bell purchased the tickets and ordered chamber candlesticks In another quarter of an hour the stranger was completely arrayed in a full suit of Mr Nathaniel Winkles Its a new coat said Mr Tupman as the stranger surveyed himself with great complacency in a cheval glass the first thats been made with our club button and he called his companions attention to the large gilt button which displayed a bust of Mr Pickwick in the centre and the letters P C on either side P C said the strangerqueer set outold fellows likeness and P CWhat does P C stand forPeculiar Coat eh Mr Tupman with rising indignation and great importance explained the mystic device Rather short in the waist aint it said the stranger screwing himself round to catch a glimpse in the glass of the waist buttons which were halfway up his back Like a general postmans coatqueer coats thosemade by contractno measuringmysterious dispensations of Providenceall the short men get long coatsall the long men short ones Running on in this way Mr Tupmans new companion adjusted his dress or rather the dress of Mr Winkle and accompanied by Mr Tupman ascended the staircase leading to the ballroom What names sir said the man at the door Mr Tracy Tupman was stepping forward to announce his own titles when the stranger prevented him No names at all and then he whispered Mr Tupman names wont do not knownvery good names in their way but not great onescapital names for a small party but wont make an impression in public assembliesincog the thinggentlemen from Londondistinguished foreignersanything The door was thrown open and Mr Tracy Tupman and the stranger entered the ballroom It was a long room with crimsoncovered benches and wax candles in glass chandeliers The musicians were securely confined in an elevated den and quadrilles were being systematically got through by two or three sets of dancers Two cardtables were made up in the adjoining cardroom and two pair of old ladies and a corresponding number of stout gentlemen were executing whist therein The finale concluded the dancers promenaded the room and Mr Tupman and his companion stationed themselves in a corner to observe the company Charming women said Mr Tupman Wait a minute said the stranger fun presentlynobs not come yet queer placedockyard people of upper rank dont know dockyard people of lower rankdockyard people of lower rank dont know small gentrysmall gentry dont know tradespeoplecommissioner dont know anybody Whos that little boy with the light hair and pink eyes in a fancy dressinquired Mr Tupman Hush praypink eyesfancy dresslittle boynonsenseensign 97th Honourable Wilmot Snipegreat familySnipesvery Sir Thomas Clubber Lady Clubber and the Misses Clubber shouted the man at the door in a stentorian voice A great sensation was created throughout the room by the entrance of a tall gentleman in a blue coat and bright buttons a large lady in blue satin and two young ladies on a similar scale in fashionablymade dresses of the same hue Commissionerhead of the yardgreat manremarkably great man whispered the stranger in Mr Tupmans ear as the charitable committee ushered Sir Thomas Clubber and family to the top of the room The Honourable Wilmot Snipe and other distinguished gentlemen crowded to render homage to the Misses Clubber and Sir Thomas Clubber stood bolt upright and looked majestically over his black kerchief at the assembled company Mr Smithie Mrs Smithie and the Misses Smithie was the next announcement Whats Mr Smithie inquired Mr Tracy Tupman Something in the yard replied the stranger Mr Smithie bowed deferentially to Sir Thomas Clubber and Sir Thomas Clubber acknowledged the salute with conscious condescension Lady Clubber took a telescopic view of Mrs Smithie and family through her eyeglass and Mrs Smithie stared in her turn at Mrs Somebodyelse whose husband was not in the dockyard at all Colonel Bulder Mrs Colonel Bulder and Miss Bulder were the next arrivals Head of the garrison said the stranger in reply to Mr Tupmans inquiring look Miss Bulder was warmly welcomed by the Misses Clubber the greeting between Mrs Colonel Bulder and Lady Clubber was of the most affectionate description Colonel Bulder and Sir Thomas Clubber exchanged snuffboxes and looked very much like a pair of Alexander SelkirksMonarchs of all they surveyed While the aristocracy of the placethe Bulders and Clubbers and Snipeswere thus preserving their dignity at the upper end of the room the other classes of society were imitating their example in other parts of it The less aristocratic officers of the 97th devoted themselves to the families of the less important functionaries from the dockyard The solicitors wives and the winemerchants wife headed another grade the brewers wife visited the Bulders and Mrs Tomlinson the post office keeper seemed by mutual consent to have been chosen the leader of the trade party One of the most popular personages in his own circle present was a little fat man with a ring of upright black hair round his head and an extensive bald plain on the top of itDoctor Slammer surgeon to the 97th The doctor took snuff with everybody chatted with everybody laughed danced made jokes played whist did everything and was everywhere To these pursuits multifarious as they were the little doctor added a more important one than anyhe was indefatigable in paying the most unremitting and devoted attention to a little old widow whose rich dress and profusion of ornament bespoke her a most desirable addition to a limited income Upon the doctor and the widow the eyes of both Mr Tupman and his companion had been fixed for some time when the stranger broke silence Lots of moneyold girlpompous doctornot a bad ideagood fun were the intelligible sentences which issued from his lips Mr Tupman looked inquisitively in his face Ill dance with the widow said the stranger Who is she inquired Mr Tupman Dont knownever saw her in all my lifecut out the doctorhere goes And the stranger forthwith crossed the room and leaning against a mantelpiece commenced gazing with an air of respectful and melancholy admiration on the fat countenance of the little old lady Mr Tupman looked on in mute astonishment The stranger progressed rapidly the little doctor danced with another lady the widow dropped her fan the stranger picked it up and presented ita smilea bowa curtsey a few words of conversation The stranger walked boldly up to and returned with the master of the ceremonies a little introductory pantomime and the stranger and Mrs Budger took their places in a quadrille The surprise of Mr Tupman at this summary proceeding great as it was was immeasurably exceeded by the astonishment of the doctor The stranger was young and the widow was flattered The doctors attentions were unheeded by the widow and the doctors indignation was wholly lost on his imperturbable rival Doctor Slammer was paralysed He Doctor Slammer of the 97th to be extinguished in a moment by a man whom nobody had ever seen before and whom nobody knew even now Doctor SlammerDoctor Slammer of the 97th rejected Impossible It could not be Yes it was there they were What introducing his friend Could he believe his eyes He looked again and was under the painful necessity of admitting the veracity of his optics Mrs Budger was dancing with Mr Tracy Tupman there was no mistaking the fact There was the widow before him bouncing bodily here and there with unwonted vigour and Mr Tracy Tupman hopping about with a face expressive of the most intense solemnity dancing as a good many people do as if a quadrille were not a thing to be laughed at but a severe trial to the feelings which it requires inflexible resolution to encounter Silently and patiently did the doctor bear all this and all the handings of negus and watching for glasses and darting for biscuits and coquetting that ensued but a few seconds after the stranger had disappeared to lead Mrs Budger to her carriage he darted swiftly from the room with every particle of his hithertobottledup indignation effervescing from all parts of his countenance in a perspiration of passion The stranger was returning and Mr Tupman was beside him He spoke in a low tone and laughed The little doctor thirsted for his life He was exulting He had triumphed Sir said the doctor in an awful voice producing a card and retiring into an angle of the passage my name is Slammer Doctor Slammer sir97th RegimentChatham Barracksmy card Sir my card He would have added more but his indignation choked him Ah replied the stranger coolly Slammermuch obligedpolite attentionnot ill now Slammerbut when I amknock you up Youyoure a shuffler sir gasped the furious doctor a poltroona cowarda liaraawill nothing induce you to give me your card sir Oh I see said the stranger half aside negus too strong here liberal landlordvery foolishverylemonade much betterhot rooms elderly gentlemensuffer for it in the morningcruelcruel and he moved on a step or two You are stopping in this house Sir said the indignant little man you are intoxicated now Sir you shall hear from me in the morning sir I shall find you out sir I shall find you out Rather you found me out than found me at home replied the unmoved stranger Doctor Slammer looked unutterable ferocity as he fixed his hat on his head with an indignant knock and the stranger and Mr Tupman ascended to the bedroom of the latter to restore the borrowed plumage to the unconscious Winkle That gentleman was fast asleep the restoration was soon made The stranger was extremely jocose and Mr Tracy Tupman being quite bewildered with wine negus lights and ladies thought the whole affair was an exquisite joke His new friend departed and after experiencing some slight difficulty in finding the orifice in his nightcap originally intended for the reception of his head and finally overturning his candlestick in his struggles to put it on Mr Tracy Tupman managed to get into bed by a series of complicated evolutions and shortly afterwards sank into repose Seven oclock had hardly ceased striking on the following morning when Mr Pickwicks comprehensive mind was aroused from the state of unconsciousness in which slumber had plunged it by a loud knocking at his chamber door Whos there said Mr Pickwick starting up in bed Boots sir What do you want Please sir can you tell me which gentleman of your party wears a bright blue dresscoat with a gilt button with P C on it Its been given out to brush thought Mr Pickwick and the man has forgotten whom it belongs to Mr Winkle he called out next room but two on the right hand Thankee sir said the Boots and away he went Whats the matter cried Mr Tupman as a loud knocking at his door roused him from his oblivious repose Can I speak to Mr Winkle sir replied Boots from the outside WinkleWinkle shouted Mr Tupman calling into the inner room Hollo replied a faint voice from within the bedclothes Youre wantedsome one at the door and having exerted himself to articulate thus much Mr Tracy Tupman turned round and fell fast asleep again Wanted said Mr Winkle hastily jumping out of bed and putting on a few articles of clothing wanted at this distance from townwho on earth can want me Gentleman in the coffeeroom sir replied the Boots as Mr Winkle opened the door and confronted him gentleman says hell not detain you a moment Sir but he can take no denial Very odd said Mr Winkle Ill be down directly He hurriedly wrapped himself in a travellingshawl and dressinggown and proceeded downstairs An old woman and a couple of waiters were cleaning the coffeeroom and an officer in undress uniform was looking out of the window He turned round as Mr Winkle entered and made a stiff inclination of the head Having ordered the attendants to retire and closed the door very carefully he said Mr Winkle I presume My name is Winkle sir You will not be surprised sir when I inform you that I have called here this morning on behalf of my friend Doctor Slammer of the 97th Doctor Slammer said Mr Winkle Doctor Slammer He begged me to express his opinion that your conduct of last evening was of a description which no gentleman could endure and he added which no one gentleman would pursue towards another Mr Winkles astonishment was too real and too evident to escape the observation of Doctor Slammers friend he therefore proceeded My friend Doctor Slammer requested me to add that he was firmly persuaded you were intoxicated during a portion of the evening and possibly unconscious of the extent of the insult you were guilty of He commissioned me to say that should this be pleaded as an excuse for your behaviour he will consent to accept a written apology to be penned by you from my dictation A written apology repeated Mr Winkle in the most emphatic tone of amazement possible Of course you know the alternative replied the visitor coolly Were you intrusted with this message to me by name inquired Mr Winkle whose intellects were hopelessly confused by this extraordinary conversation I was not present myself replied the visitor and in consequence of your firm refusal to give your card to Doctor Slammer I was desired by that gentleman to identify the wearer of a very uncommon coata bright blue dresscoat with a gilt button displaying a bust and the letters P C Mr Winkle actually staggered with astonishment as he heard his own costume thus minutely described Doctor Slammers friend proceeded From the inquiries I made at the bar just now I was convinced that the owner of the coat in question arrived here with three gentlemen yesterday afternoon I immediately sent up to the gentleman who was described as appearing the head of the party and he at once referred me to you If the principal tower of Rochester Castle had suddenly walked from its foundation and stationed itself opposite the coffeeroom window Mr Winkles surprise would have been as nothing compared with the profound astonishment with which he had heard this address His first impression was that his coat had been stolen Will you allow me to detain you one moment said he Certainly replied the unwelcome visitor Mr Winkle ran hastily upstairs and with a trembling hand opened the bag There was the coat in its usual place but exhibiting on a close inspection evident tokens of having been worn on the preceding night It must be so said Mr Winkle letting the coat fall from his hands I took too much wine after dinner and have a very vague recollection of walking about the streets and smoking a cigar afterwards The fact is I was very drunkI must have changed my coatgone somewhereand insulted somebodyI have no doubt of it and this message is the terrible consequence Saying which Mr Winkle retraced his steps in the direction of the coffeeroom with the gloomy and dreadful resolve of accepting the challenge of the warlike Doctor Slammer and abiding by the worst consequences that might ensue To this determination Mr Winkle was urged by a variety of considerations the first of which was his reputation with the club He had always been looked up to as a high authority on all matters of amusement and dexterity whether offensive defensive or inoffensive and if on this very first occasion of being put to the test he shrunk back from the trial beneath his leaders eye his name and standing were lost for ever Besides he remembered to have heard it frequently surmised by the uninitiated in such matters that by an understood arrangement between the seconds the pistols were seldom loaded with ball and furthermore he reflected that if he applied to Mr Snodgrass to act as his second and depicted the danger in glowing terms that gentleman might possibly communicate the intelligence to Mr Pickwick who would certainly lose no time in transmitting it to the local authorities and thus prevent the killing or maiming of his follower Such were his thoughts when he returned to the coffeeroom and intimated his intention of accepting the doctors challenge Will you refer me to a friend to arrange the time and place of meeting said the officer Quite unnecessary replied Mr Winkle name them to me and I can procure the attendance of a friend afterwards Shall we saysunset this evening inquired the officer in a careless tone Very good replied Mr Winkle thinking in his heart it was very bad You know Fort Pitt Yes I saw it yesterday If you will take the trouble to turn into the field which borders the trench take the footpath to the left when you arrive at an angle of the fortification and keep straight on till you see me I will precede you to a secluded place where the affair can be conducted without fear of interruption Fear of interruption thought Mr Winkle Nothing more to arrange I think said the officer I am not aware of anything more replied Mr Winkle Goodmorning Goodmorning and the officer whistled a lively air as he strode away That mornings breakfast passed heavily off Mr Tupman was not in a condition to rise after the unwonted dissipation of the previous night Mr Snodgrass appeared to labour under a poetical depression of spirits and even Mr Pickwick evinced an unusual attachment to silence and soda water Mr Winkle eagerly watched his opportunity it was not long wanting Mr Snodgrass proposed a visit to the castle and as Mr Winkle was the only other member of the party disposed to walk they went out together Snodgrass said Mr Winkle when they had turned out of the public streetSnodgrass my dear fellow can I rely upon your secrecy As he said this he most devoutly and earnestly hoped he could not You can replied Mr Snodgrass Hear me swear No no interrupted Winkle terrified at the idea of his companions unconsciously pledging himself not to give information dont swear dont swear its quite unnecessary Mr Snodgrass dropped the hand which he had in the spirit of poesy raised towards the clouds as he made the above appeal and assumed an attitude of attention I want your assistance my dear fellow in an affair of honour said Mr Winkle You shall have it replied Mr Snodgrass clasping his friends hand With a doctorDoctor Slammer of the 97th said Mr Winkle wishing to make the matter appear as solemn as possible an affair with an officer seconded by another officer at sunset this evening in a lonely field beyond Fort Pitt I will attend you said Mr Snodgrass He was astonished but by no means dismayed It is extraordinary how cool any party but the principal can be in such cases Mr Winkle had forgotten this He had judged of his friends feelings by his own The consequences may be dreadful said Mr Winkle I hope not said Mr Snodgrass The doctor I believe is a very good shot said Mr Winkle Most of these military men are observed Mr Snodgrass calmly but so are you aint you Mr Winkle replied in the affirmative and perceiving that he had not alarmed his companion sufficiently changed his ground Snodgrass he said in a voice tremulous with emotion if I fall you will find in a packet which I shall place in your hands a note for my for my father This attack was a failure also Mr Snodgrass was affected but he undertook the delivery of the note as readily as if he had been a twopenny postman If I fall said Mr Winkle or if the doctor falls you my dear friend will be tried as an accessory before the fact Shall I involve my friend in transportationpossibly for life Mr Snodgrass winced a little at this but his heroism was invincible In the cause of friendship he fervently exclaimed I would brave all dangers How Mr Winkle cursed his companions devoted friendship internally as they walked silently along side by side for some minutes each immersed in his own meditations The morning was wearing away he grew desperate Snodgrass he said stopping suddenly do not let me be balked in this matterdo not give information to the local authoritiesdo not obtain the assistance of several peace officers to take either me or Doctor Slammer of the 97th Regiment at present quartered in Chatham Barracks into custody and thus prevent this duelI say do not Mr Snodgrass seized his friends hand warmly as he enthusiastically replied Not for worlds A thrill passed over Mr Winkles frame as the conviction that he had nothing to hope from his friends fears and that he was destined to become an animated target rushed forcibly upon him The state of the case having been formally explained to Mr Snodgrass and a case of satisfactory pistols with the satisfactory accompaniments of powder ball and caps having been hired from a manufacturer in Rochester the two friends returned to their inn Mr Winkle to ruminate on the approaching struggle and Mr Snodgrass to arrange the weapons of war and put them into proper order for immediate use It was a dull and heavy evening when they again sallied forth on their awkward errand Mr Winkle was muffled up in a huge cloak to escape observation and Mr Snodgrass bore under his the instruments of destruction Have you got everything said Mr Winkle in an agitated tone Everything replied Mr Snodgrass plenty of ammunition in case the shots dont take effect Theres a quarter of a pound of powder in the case and I have got two newspapers in my pocket for the loadings These were instances of friendship for which any man might reasonably feel most grateful The presumption is that the gratitude of Mr Winkle was too powerful for utterance as he said nothing but continued to walk onrather slowly We are in excellent time said Mr Snodgrass as they climbed the fence of the first field the sun is just going down Mr Winkle looked up at the declining orb and painfully thought of the probability of his going down himself before long Theres the officer exclaimed Mr Winkle after a few minutes walking Where said Mr Snodgrass Therethe gentleman in the blue cloak Mr Snodgrass looked in the direction indicated by the forefinger of his friend and observed a figure muffled up as he had described The officer evinced his consciousness of their presence by slightly beckoning with his hand and the two friends followed him at a little distance as he walked away The evening grew more dull every moment and a melancholy wind sounded through the deserted fields like a distant giant whistling for his housedog The sadness of the scene imparted a sombre tinge to the feelings of Mr Winkle He started as they passed the angle of the trenchit looked like a colossal grave The officer turned suddenly from the path and after climbing a paling and scaling a hedge entered a secluded field Two gentlemen were waiting in it one was a little fat man with black hair and the othera portly personage in a braided surtoutwas sitting with perfect equanimity on a campstool The other party and a surgeon I suppose said Mr Snodgrass take a drop of brandy Mr Winkle seized the wicker bottle which his friend proffered and took a lengthened pull at the exhilarating liquid My friend Sir Mr Snodgrass said Mr Winkle as the officer approached Doctor Slammers friend bowed and produced a case similar to that which Mr Snodgrass carried We have nothing further to say Sir I think he coldly remarked as he opened the case an apology has been resolutely declined Nothing Sir said Mr Snodgrass who began to feel rather uncomfortable himself Will you step forward said the officer Certainly replied Mr Snodgrass The ground was measured and preliminaries arranged You will find these better than your own said the opposite second producing his pistols You saw me load them Do you object to use them Certainly not replied Mr Snodgrass The offer relieved him from considerable embarrassment for his previous notions of loading a pistol were rather vague and undefined We may place our men then I think observed the officer with as much indifference as if the principals were chessmen and the seconds players I think we may replied Mr Snodgrass who would have assented to any proposition because he knew nothing about the matter The officer crossed to Doctor Slammer and Mr Snodgrass went up to Mr Winkle Its all ready said he offering the pistol Give me your cloak You have got the packet my dear fellow said poor Winkle All right said Mr Snodgrass Be steady and wing him It occurred to Mr Winkle that this advice was very like that which bystanders invariably give to the smallest boy in a street fight namely Go in and winan admirable thing to recommend if you only know how to do it He took off his cloak however in silenceit always took a long time to undo that cloakand accepted the pistol The seconds retired the gentleman on the campstool did the same and the belligerents approached each other Mr Winkle was always remarkable for extreme humanity It is conjectured that his unwillingness to hurt a fellowcreature intentionally was the cause of his shutting his eyes when he arrived at the fatal spot and that the circumstance of his eyes being closed prevented his observing the very extraordinary and unaccountable demeanour of Doctor Slammer That gentleman started stared retreated rubbed his eyes stared again and finally shouted Stop stop Whats all this said Doctor Slammer as his friend and Mr Snodgrass came running up thats not the man Not the man said Doctor Slammers second Not the man said Mr Snodgrass Not the man said the gentleman with the campstool in his hand Certainly not replied the little doctor Thats not the person who insulted me last night Very extraordinary exclaimed the officer Very said the gentleman with the campstool The only question is whether the gentleman being on the ground must not be considered as a matter of form to be the individual who insulted our friend Doctor Slammer yesterday evening whether he is really that individual or not and having delivered this suggestion with a very sage and mysterious air the man with the campstool took a large pinch of snuff and looked profoundly round with the air of an authority in such matters Now Mr Winkle had opened his eyes and his ears too when he heard his adversary call out for a cessation of hostilities and perceiving by what he had afterwards said that there was beyond all question some mistake in the matter he at once foresaw the increase of reputation he should inevitably acquire by concealing the real motive of his coming out he therefore stepped boldly forward and said I am not the person I know it Then that said the man with the campstool is an affront to Doctor Slammer and a sufficient reason for proceeding immediately Pray be quiet Payne said the doctors second Why did you not communicate this fact to me this morning Sir To be sureto be sure said the man with the campstool indignantly I entreat you to be quiet Payne said the other May I repeat my question Sir Because Sir replied Mr Winkle who had had time to deliberate upon his answer because Sir you described an intoxicated and ungentlemanly person as wearing a coat which I have the honour not only to wear but to have inventedthe proposed uniform Sir of the Pickwick Club in London The honour of that uniform I feel bound to maintain and I therefore without inquiry accepted the challenge which you offered me My dear Sir said the goodhumoured little doctor advancing with extended hand I honour your gallantry Permit me to say Sir that I highly admire your conduct and extremely regret having caused you the inconvenience of this meeting to no purpose I beg you wont mention it Sir said Mr Winkle I shall feel proud of your acquaintance Sir said the little doctor It will afford me the greatest pleasure to know you sir replied Mr Winkle Thereupon the doctor and Mr Winkle shook hands and then Mr Winkle and Lieutenant Tappleton the doctors second and then Mr Winkle and the man with the campstool and finally Mr Winkle and Mr Snodgrassthe lastnamed gentleman in an excess of admiration at the noble conduct of his heroic friend I think we may adjourn said Lieutenant Tappleton Certainly added the doctor Unless interposed the man with the campstool unless Mr Winkle feels himself aggrieved by the challenge in which case I submit he has a right to satisfaction Mr Winkle with great selfdenial expressed himself quite satisfied already Or possibly said the man with the campstool the gentlemans second may feel himself affronted with some observations which fell from me at an early period of this meeting if so I shall be happy to give him satisfaction immediately Mr Snodgrass hastily professed himself very much obliged with the handsome offer of the gentleman who had spoken last which he was only induced to decline by his entire contentment with the whole proceedings The two seconds adjusted the cases and the whole party left the ground in a much more lively manner than they had proceeded to it Do you remain long here inquired Doctor Slammer of Mr Winkle as they walked on most amicably together I think we shall leave here the day after tomorrow was the reply I trust I shall have the pleasure of seeing you and your friend at my rooms and of spending a pleasant evening with you after this awkward mistake said the little doctor are you disengaged this evening We have some friends here replied Mr Winkle and I should not like to leave them tonight Perhaps you and your friend will join us at the Bull With great pleasure said the little doctor will ten oclock be too late to look in for half an hour Oh dear no said Mr Winkle I shall be most happy to introduce you to my friends Mr Pickwick and Mr Tupman It will give me great pleasure I am sure replied Doctor Slammer little suspecting who Mr Tupman was You will be sure to come said Mr Snodgrass Oh certainly By this time they had reached the road Cordial farewells were exchanged and the party separated Doctor Slammer and his friends repaired to the barracks and Mr Winkle accompanied by Mr Snodgrass returned to their inn CHAPTER III A NEW ACQUAINTANCETHE STROLLERS TALEA DISAGREEABLE INTERRUPTION AND AN UNPLEASANT ENCOUNTER Mr Pickwick had felt some apprehensions in consequence of the unusual absence of his two friends which their mysterious behaviour during the whole morning had by no means tended to diminish It was therefore with more than ordinary pleasure that he rose to greet them when they again entered and with more than ordinary interest that he inquired what had occurred to detain them from his society In reply to his questions on this point Mr Snodgrass was about to offer an historical account of the circumstances just now detailed when he was suddenly checked by observing that there were present not only Mr Tupman and their stagecoach companion of the preceding day but another stranger of equally singular appearance It was a carewornlooking man whose sallow face and deeplysunken eyes were rendered still more striking than Nature had made them by the straight black hair which hung in matted disorder halfway down his face His eyes were almost unnaturally bright and piercing his cheekbones were high and prominent and his jaws were so long and lank that an observer would have supposed that he was drawing the flesh of his face in for a moment by some contraction of the muscles if his halfopened mouth and immovable expression had not announced that it was his ordinary appearance Round his neck he wore a green shawl with the large ends straggling over his chest and making their appearance occasionally beneath the worn buttonholes of his old waistcoat His upper garment was a long black surtout and below it he wore wide drab trousers and large boots running rapidly to seed It was on this uncouthlooking person that Mr Winkles eye rested and it was towards him that Mr Pickwick extended his hand when he said A friend of our friends here We discovered this morning that our friend was connected with the theatre in this place though he is not desirous to have it generally known and this gentleman is a member of the same profession He was about to favour us with a little anecdote connected with it when you entered Lots of anecdote said the greencoated stranger of the day before advancing to Mr Winkle and speaking in a low and confidential tone Rum fellowdoes the heavy businessno actorstrange manall sorts of miseriesDismal Jemmy we call him on the circuit Mr Winkle and Mr Snodgrass politely welcomed the gentleman elegantly designated as Dismal Jemmy and calling for brandyandwater in imitation of the remainder of the company seated themselves at the table Now sir said Mr Pickwick will you oblige us by proceeding with what you were going to relate The dismal individual took a dirty roll of paper from his pocket and turning to Mr Snodgrass who had just taken out his notebook said in a hollow voice perfectly in keeping with his outward manAre you the poet II do a little in that way replied Mr Snodgrass rather taken aback by the abruptness of the question Ah poetry makes life what light and music do the stagestrip the one of the false embellishments and the other of its illusions and what is there real in either to live or care for Very true Sir replied Mr Snodgrass To be before the footlights continued the dismal man is like sitting at a grand court show and admiring the silken dresses of the gaudy throng to be behind them is to be the people who make that finery uncared for and unknown and left to sink or swim to starve or live as fortune wills it Certainly said Mr Snodgrass for the sunken eye of the dismal man rested on him and he felt it necessary to say something Go on Jemmy said the Spanish traveller like blackeyed Susanall in the Downsno croakingspeak outlook lively Will you make another glass before you begin Sir said Mr Pickwick The dismal man took the hint and having mixed a glass of brandyand water and slowly swallowed half of it opened the roll of paper and proceeded partly to read and partly to relate the following incident which we find recorded on the Transactions of the Club as The Strollers Tale THE STROLLERS TALE There is nothing of the marvellous in what I am going to relate said the dismal man there is nothing even uncommon in it Want and sickness are too common in many stations of life to deserve more notice than is usually bestowed on the most ordinary vicissitudes of human nature I have thrown these few notes together because the subject of them was well known to me for many years I traced his progress downwards step by step until at last he reached that excess of destitution from which he never rose again The man of whom I speak was a low pantomime actor and like many people of his class an habitual drunkard In his better days before he had become enfeebled by dissipation and emaciated by disease he had been in the receipt of a good salary which if he had been careful and prudent he might have continued to receive for some yearsnot many because these men either die early or by unnaturally taxing their bodily energies lose prematurely those physical powers on which alone they can depend for subsistence His besetting sin gained so fast upon him however that it was found impossible to employ him in the situations in which he really was useful to the theatre The public house had a fascination for him which he could not resist Neglected disease and hopeless poverty were as certain to be his portion as death itself if he persevered in the same course yet he did persevere and the result may be guessed He could obtain no engagement and he wanted bread Everybody who is at all acquainted with theatrical matters knows what a host of shabby povertystricken men hang about the stage of a large establishmentnot regularly engaged actors but ballet people procession men tumblers and so forth who are taken on during the run of a pantomime or an Easter piece and are then discharged until the production of some heavy spectacle occasions a new demand for their services To this mode of life the man was compelled to resort and taking the chair every night at some low theatrical house at once put him in possession of a few more shillings weekly and enabled him to gratify his old propensity Even this resource shortly failed him his irregularities were too great to admit of his earning the wretched pittance he might thus have procured and he was actually reduced to a state bordering on starvation only procuring a trifle occasionally by borrowing it of some old companion or by obtaining an appearance at one or other of the commonest of the minor theatres and when he did earn anything it was spent in the old way About this time and when he had been existing for upwards of a year no one knew how I had a short engagement at one of the theatres on the Surrey side of the water and here I saw this man whom I had lost sight of for some time for I had been travelling in the provinces and he had been skulking in the lanes and alleys of London I was dressed to leave the house and was crossing the stage on my way out when he tapped me on the shoulder Never shall I forget the repulsive sight that met my eye when I turned round He was dressed for the pantomimes in all the absurdity of a clowns costume The spectral figures in the Dance of Death the most frightful shapes that the ablest painter ever portrayed on canvas never presented an appearance half so ghastly His bloated body and shrunken legstheir deformity enhanced a hundredfold by the fantastic dressthe glassy eyes contrasting fearfully with the thick white paint with which the face was besmeared the grotesquely ornamented head trembling with paralysis and the long skinny hands rubbed with white chalkall gave him a hideous and unnatural appearance of which no description could convey an adequate idea and which to this day I shudder to think of His voice was hollow and tremulous as he took me aside and in broken words recounted a long catalogue of sickness and privations terminating as usual with an urgent request for the loan of a trifling sum of money I put a few shillings in his hand and as I turned away I heard the roar of laughter which followed his first tumble on the stage A few nights afterwards a boy put a dirty scrap of paper in my hand on which were scrawled a few words in pencil intimating that the man was dangerously ill and begging me after the performance to see him at his lodgings in some streetI forget the name of it nowat no great distance from the theatre I promised to comply as soon as I could get away and after the curtain fell sallied forth on my melancholy errand It was late for I had been playing in the last piece and as it was a benefit night the performances had been protracted to an unusual length It was a dark cold night with a chill damp wind which blew the rain heavily against the windows and housefronts Pools of water had collected in the narrow and littlefrequented streets and as many of the thinlyscattered oillamps had been blown out by the violence of the wind the walk was not only a comfortless but most uncertain one I had fortunately taken the right course however and succeeded after a little difficulty in finding the house to which I had been directeda coalshed with one storey above it in the back room of which lay the object of my search A wretchedlooking woman the mans wife met me on the stairs and telling me that he had just fallen into a kind of doze led me softly in and placed a chair for me at the bedside The sick man was lying with his face turned towards the wall and as he took no heed of my presence I had leisure to observe the place in which I found myself He was lying on an old bedstead which turned up during the day The tattered remains of a checked curtain were drawn round the beds head to exclude the wind which however made its way into the comfortless room through the numerous chinks in the door and blew it to and fro every instant There was a low cinder fire in a rusty unfixed grate and an old threecornered stained table with some medicine bottles a broken glass and a few other domestic articles was drawn out before it A little child was sleeping on a temporary bed which had been made for it on the floor and the woman sat on a chair by its side There were a couple of shelves with a few plates and cups and saucers and a pair of stage shoes and a couple of foils hung beneath them With the exception of little heaps of rags and bundles which had been carelessly thrown into the corners of the room these were the only things in the apartment I had had time to note these little particulars and to mark the heavy breathing and feverish startings of the sick man before he was aware of my presence In the restless attempts to procure some easy restingplace for his head he tossed his hand out of the bed and it fell on mine He started up and stared eagerly in my face Mr Hutley John said his wife Mr Hutley that you sent for to night you know Ah said the invalid passing his hand across his forehead Hutley Hutleylet me see He seemed endeavouring to collect his thoughts for a few seconds and then grasping me tightly by the wrist said Dont leave medont leave me old fellow Shell murder me I know she will Has he been long so said I addressing his weeping wife Since yesterday night she replied John John dont you know me Dont let her come near me said the man with a shudder as she stooped over him Drive her away I cant bear her near me He stared wildly at her with a look of deadly apprehension and then whispered in my ear I beat her Jem I beat her yesterday and many times before I have starved her and the boy too and now I am weak and helpless Jem shell murder me for it I know she will If youd seen her cry as I have youd know it too Keep her off He relaxed his grasp and sank back exhausted on the pillow I knew but too well what all this meant If I could have entertained any doubt of it for an instant one glance at the womans pale face and wasted form would have sufficiently explained the real state of the case You had better stand aside said I to the poor creature You can do him no good Perhaps he will be calmer if he does not see you She retired out of the mans sight He opened his eyes after a few seconds and looked anxiously round Is she gone he eagerly inquired Yesyes said I she shall not hurt you Ill tell you what Jem said the man in a low voice she does hurt me Theres something in her eyes wakes such a dreadful fear in my heart that it drives me mad All last night her large staring eyes and pale face were close to mine wherever I turned they turned and whenever I started up from my sleep she was at the bedside looking at me He drew me closer to him as he said in a deep alarmed whisper Jem she must be an evil spirita devil Hush I know she is If she had been a woman she would have died long ago No woman could have borne what she has I sickened at the thought of the long course of cruelty and neglect which must have occurred to produce such an impression on such a man I could say nothing in reply for who could offer hope or consolation to the abject being before me I sat there for upwards of two hours during which time he tossed about murmuring exclamations of pain or impatience restlessly throwing his arms here and there and turning constantly from side to side At length he fell into that state of partial unconsciousness in which the mind wanders uneasily from scene to scene and from place to place without the control of reason but still without being able to divest itself of an indescribable sense of present suffering Finding from his incoherent wanderings that this was the case and knowing that in all probability the fever would not grow immediately worse I left him promising his miserable wife that I would repeat my visit next evening and if necessary sit up with the patient during the night I kept my promise The last fourandtwenty hours had produced a frightful alteration The eyes though deeply sunk and heavy shone with a lustre frightful to behold The lips were parched and cracked in many places the hard dry skin glowed with a burning heat and there was an almost unearthly air of wild anxiety in the mans face indicating even more strongly the ravages of the disease The fever was at its height I took the seat I had occupied the night before and there I sat for hours listening to sounds which must strike deep to the heart of the most callous among human beingsthe awful ravings of a dying man From what I had heard of the medical attendants opinion I knew there was no hope for him I was sitting by his deathbed I saw the wasted limbs which a few hours before had been distorted for the amusement of a boisterous gallery writhing under the tortures of a burning feverI heard the clowns shrill laugh blending with the low murmurings of the dying man It is a touching thing to hear the mind reverting to the ordinary occupations and pursuits of health when the body lies before you weak and helpless but when those occupations are of a character the most strongly opposed to anything we associate with grave and solemn ideas the impression produced is infinitely more powerful The theatre and the publichouse were the chief themes of the wretched mans wanderings It was evening he fancied he had a part to play that night it was late and he must leave home instantly Why did they hold him and prevent his goinghe should lose the moneyhe must go No they would not let him He hid his face in his burning hands and feebly bemoaned his own weakness and the cruelty of his persecutors A short pause and he shouted out a few doggerel rhymesthe last he had ever learned He rose in bed drew up his withered limbs and rolled about in uncouth positions he was actinghe was at the theatre A minutes silence and he murmured the burden of some roaring song He had reached the old house at lasthow hot the room was He had been ill very ill but he was well now and happy Fill up his glass Who was that that dashed it from his lips It was the same persecutor that had followed him before He fell back upon his pillow and moaned aloud A short period of oblivion and he was wandering through a tedious maze of lowarched roomsso low sometimes that he must creep upon his hands and knees to make his way along it was close and dark and every way he turned some obstacle impeded his progress There were insects too hideous crawling things with eyes that stared upon him and filled the very air around glistening horribly amidst the thick darkness of the place The walls and ceiling were alive with reptilesthe vault expanded to an enormous sizefrightful figures flitted to and froand the faces of men he knew rendered hideous by gibing and mouthing peered out from among them they were searing him with heated irons and binding his head with cords till the blood started and he struggled madly for life At the close of one of these paroxysms when I had with great difficulty held him down in his bed he sank into what appeared to be a slumber Overpowered with watching and exertion I had closed my eyes for a few minutes when I felt a violent clutch on my shoulder I awoke instantly He had raised himself up so as to seat himself in beda dreadful change had come over his face but consciousness had returned for he evidently knew me The child who had been long since disturbed by his ravings rose from its little bed and ran towards its father screaming with frightthe mother hastily caught it in her arms lest he should injure it in the violence of his insanity but terrified by the alteration of his features stood transfixed by the bedside He grasped my shoulder convulsively and striking his breast with the other hand made a desperate attempt to articulate It was unavailing he extended his arm towards them and made another violent effort There was a rattling noise in the throata glare of the eyea short stifled groan and he fell backdead It would afford us the highest gratification to be enabled to record Mr Pickwicks opinion of the foregoing anecdote We have little doubt that we should have been enabled to present it to our readers but for a most unfortunate occurrence Mr Pickwick had replaced on the table the glass which during the last few sentences of the tale he had retained in his hand and had just made up his mind to speakindeed we have the authority of Mr Snodgrasss notebook for stating that he had actually opened his mouthwhen the waiter entered the room and said Some gentlemen Sir It has been conjectured that Mr Pickwick was on the point of delivering some remarks which would have enlightened the world if not the Thames when he was thus interrupted for he gazed sternly on the waiters countenance and then looked round on the company generally as if seeking for information relative to the newcomers Oh said Mr Winkle rising some friends of mineshow them in Very pleasant fellows added Mr Winkle after the waiter had retired officers of the 97th whose acquaintance I made rather oddly this morning You will like them very much Mr Pickwicks equanimity was at once restored The waiter returned and ushered three gentlemen into the room Lieutenant Tappleton said Mr Winkle Lieutenant Tappleton Mr PickwickDoctor Payne Mr PickwickMr Snodgrass you have seen before my friend Mr Tupman Doctor PayneDoctor Slammer Mr PickwickMr Tupman Doctor Slam Here Mr Winkle suddenly paused for strong emotion was visible on the countenance both of Mr Tupman and the doctor I have met this gentleman before said the Doctor with marked emphasis Indeed said Mr Winkle Andand that person too if I am not mistaken said the doctor bestowing a scrutinising glance on the greencoated stranger I think I gave that person a very pressing invitation last night which he thought proper to decline Saying which the doctor scowled magnanimously on the stranger and whispered his friend Lieutenant Tappleton You dont say so said that gentleman at the conclusion of the whisper I do indeed replied Doctor Slammer You are bound to kick him on the spot murmured the owner of the camp stool with great importance Do be quiet Payne interposed the lieutenant Will you allow me to ask you sir he said addressing Mr Pickwick who was considerably mystified by this very unpolite byplaywill you allow me to ask you Sir whether that person belongs to your party No Sir replied Mr Pickwick he is a guest of ours He is a member of your club or I am mistaken said the lieutenant inquiringly Certainly not responded Mr Pickwick And never wears your clubbutton said the lieutenant Nonever replied the astonished Mr Pickwick Lieutenant Tappleton turned round to his friend Doctor Slammer with a scarcely perceptible shrug of the shoulder as if implying some doubt of the accuracy of his recollection The little doctor looked wrathful but confounded and Mr Payne gazed with a ferocious aspect on the beaming countenance of the unconscious Pickwick Sir said the doctor suddenly addressing Mr Tupman in a tone which made that gentleman start as perceptibly as if a pin had been cunningly inserted in the calf of his leg you were at the ball here last night Mr Tupman gasped a faint affirmative looking very hard at Mr Pickwick all the while That person was your companion said the doctor pointing to the still unmoved stranger Mr Tupman admitted the fact Now sir said the doctor to the stranger I ask you once again in the presence of these gentlemen whether you choose to give me your card and to receive the treatment of a gentleman or whether you impose upon me the necessity of personally chastising you on the spot Stay sir said Mr Pickwick I really cannot allow this matter to go any further without some explanation Tupman recount the circumstances Mr Tupman thus solemnly adjured stated the case in a few words touched slightly on the borrowing of the coat expatiated largely on its having been done after dinner wound up with a little penitence on his own account and left the stranger to clear himself as best he could He was apparently about to proceed to do so when Lieutenant Tappleton who had been eyeing him with great curiosity said with considerable scorn Havent I seen you at the theatre Sir Certainly replied the unabashed stranger He is a strolling actor said the lieutenant contemptuously turning to Doctor SlammerHe acts in the piece that the officers of the 52nd get up at the Rochester Theatre tomorrow night You cannot proceed in this affair Slammerimpossible Quite said the dignified Payne Sorry to have placed you in this disagreeable situation said Lieutenant Tappleton addressing Mr Pickwick allow me to suggest that the best way of avoiding a recurrence of such scenes in future will be to be more select in the choice of your companions Goodevening Sir and the lieutenant bounced out of the room And allow me to say Sir said the irascible Doctor Payne that if I had been Tappleton or if I had been Slammer I would have pulled your nose Sir and the nose of every man in this company I would sir every man Payne is my name sirDoctor Payne of the 43rd Good evening Sir Having concluded this speech and uttered the last three words in a loud key he stalked majestically after his friend closely followed by Doctor Slammer who said nothing but contented himself by withering the company with a look Rising rage and extreme bewilderment had swelled the noble breast of Mr Pickwick almost to the bursting of his waistcoat during the delivery of the above defiance He stood transfixed to the spot gazing on vacancy The closing of the door recalled him to himself He rushed forward with fury in his looks and fire in his eye His hand was upon the lock of the door in another instant it would have been on the throat of Doctor Payne of the 43rd had not Mr Snodgrass seized his revered leader by the coat tail and dragged him backwards Restrain him cried Mr Snodgrass Winkle Tupmanhe must not peril his distinguished life in such a cause as this Let me go said Mr Pickwick Hold him tight shouted Mr Snodgrass and by the united efforts of the whole company Mr Pickwick was forced into an armchair Leave him alone said the greencoated stranger brandyandwater jolly old gentlemanlots of pluckswallow thisahcapital stuff Having previously tested the virtues of a bumper which had been mixed by the dismal man the stranger applied the glass to Mr Pickwicks mouth and the remainder of its contents rapidly disappeared There was a short pause the brandyandwater had done its work the amiable countenance of Mr Pickwick was fast recovering its customary expression They are not worth your notice said the dismal man You are right sir replied Mr Pickwick they are not I am ashamed to have been betrayed into this warmth of feeling Draw your chair up to the table Sir The dismal man readily complied a circle was again formed round the table and harmony once more prevailed Some lingering irritability appeared to find a restingplace in Mr Winkles bosom occasioned possibly by the temporary abstraction of his coatthough it is scarcely reasonable to suppose that so slight a circumstance can have excited even a passing feeling of anger in a Pickwickians breast With this exception their goodhumour was completely restored and the evening concluded with the conviviality with which it had begun CHAPTER IV A FIELD DAY AND BIVOUACMORE NEW FRIENDSAN INVITATION TO THE COUNTRY Many authors entertain not only a foolish but a really dishonest objection to acknowledge the sources whence they derive much valuable information We have no such feeling We are merely endeavouring to discharge in an upright manner the responsible duties of our editorial functions and whatever ambition we might have felt under other circumstances to lay claim to the authorship of these adventures a regard for truth forbids us to do more than claim the merit of their judicious arrangement and impartial narration The Pickwick papers are our New River Head and we may be compared to the New River Company The labours of others have raised for us an immense reservoir of important facts We merely lay them on and communicate them in a clear and gentle stream through the medium of these pages to a world thirsting for Pickwickian knowledge Acting in this spirit and resolutely proceeding on our determination to avow our obligations to the authorities we have consulted we frankly say that to the notebook of Mr Snodgrass are we indebted for the particulars recorded in this and the succeeding chapterparticulars which now that we have disburdened our consciences we shall proceed to detail without further comment The whole population of Rochester and the adjoining towns rose from their beds at an early hour of the following morning in a state of the utmost bustle and excitement A grand review was to take place upon the lines The manoeuvres of half a dozen regiments were to be inspected by the eagle eye of the commanderinchief temporary fortifications had been erected the citadel was to be attacked and taken and a mine was to be sprung Mr Pickwick was as our readers may have gathered from the slight extract we gave from his description of Chatham an enthusiastic admirer of the army Nothing could have been more delightful to himnothing could have harmonised so well with the peculiar feeling of each of his companionsas this sight Accordingly they were soon afoot and walking in the direction of the scene of action towards which crowds of people were already pouring from a variety of quarters The appearance of everything on the lines denoted that the approaching ceremony was one of the utmost grandeur and importance There were sentries posted to keep the ground for the troops and servants on the batteries keeping places for the ladies and sergeants running to and fro with vellumcovered books under their arms and Colonel Bulder in full military uniform on horseback galloping first to one place and then to another and backing his horse among the people and prancing and curvetting and shouting in a most alarming manner and making himself very hoarse in the voice and very red in the face without any assignable cause or reason whatever Officers were running backwards and forwards first communicating with Colonel Bulder and then ordering the sergeants and then running away altogether and even the very privates themselves looked from behind their glazed stocks with an air of mysterious solemnity which sufficiently bespoke the special nature of the occasion Mr Pickwick and his three companions stationed themselves in the front of the crowd and patiently awaited the commencement of the proceedings The throng was increasing every moment and the efforts they were compelled to make to retain the position they had gained sufficiently occupied their attention during the two hours that ensued At one time there was a sudden pressure from behind and then Mr Pickwick was jerked forward for several yards with a degree of speed and elasticity highly inconsistent with the general gravity of his demeanour at another moment there was a request to keep back from the front and then the buttend of a musket was either dropped upon Mr Pickwicks toe to remind him of the demand or thrust into his chest to insure its being complied with Then some facetious gentlemen on the left after pressing sideways in a body and squeezing Mr Snodgrass into the very last extreme of human torture would request to know vere he vos a shovin to and when Mr Winkle had done expressing his excessive indignation at witnessing this unprovoked assault some person behind would knock his hat over his eyes and beg the favour of his putting his head in his pocket These and other practical witticisms coupled with the unaccountable absence of Mr Tupman who had suddenly disappeared and was nowhere to be found rendered their situation upon the whole rather more uncomfortable than pleasing or desirable At length that low roar of many voices ran through the crowd which usually announces the arrival of whatever they have been waiting for All eyes were turned in the direction of the sallyport A few moments of eager expectation and colours were seen fluttering gaily in the air arms glistened brightly in the sun column after column poured on to the plain The troops halted and formed the word of command rang through the line there was a general clash of muskets as arms were presented and the commanderinchief attended by Colonel Bulder and numerous officers cantered to the front The military bands struck up altogether the horses stood upon two legs each cantered backwards and whisked their tails about in all directions the dogs barked the mob screamed the troops recovered and nothing was to be seen on either side as far as the eye could reach but a long perspective of red coats and white trousers fixed and motionless Mr Pickwick had been so fully occupied in falling about and disentangling himself miraculously from between the legs of horses that he had not enjoyed sufficient leisure to observe the scene before him until it assumed the appearance we have just described When he was at last enabled to stand firmly on his legs his gratification and delight were unbounded Can anything be finer or more delightful he inquired of Mr Winkle Nothing replied that gentleman who had had a short man standing on each of his feet for the quarter of an hour immediately preceding It is indeed a noble and a brilliant sight said Mr Snodgrass in whose bosom a blaze of poetry was rapidly bursting forth to see the gallant defenders of their country drawn up in brilliant array before its peaceful citizens their faces beamingnot with warlike ferocity but with civilised gentleness their eyes flashingnot with the rude fire of rapine or revenge but with the soft light of humanity and intelligence Mr Pickwick fully entered into the spirit of this eulogium but he could not exactly reecho its terms for the soft light of intelligence burned rather feebly in the eyes of the warriors inasmuch as the command eyes front had been given and all the spectator saw before him was several thousand pair of optics staring straight forward wholly divested of any expression whatever We are in a capital situation now said Mr Pickwick looking round him The crowd had gradually dispersed in their immediate vicinity and they were nearly alone Capital echoed both Mr Snodgrass and Mr Winkle What are they doing now inquired Mr Pickwick adjusting his spectacles IIrather think said Mr Winkle changing colourI rather think theyre going to fire Nonsense said Mr Pickwick hastily IIreally think they are urged Mr Snodgrass somewhat alarmed Impossible replied Mr Pickwick He had hardly uttered the word when the whole halfdozen regiments levelled their muskets as if they had but one common object and that object the Pickwickians and burst forth with the most awful and tremendous discharge that ever shook the earth to its centres or an elderly gentleman off his It was in this trying situation exposed to a galling fire of blank cartridges and harassed by the operations of the military a fresh body of whom had begun to fall in on the opposite side that Mr Pickwick displayed that perfect coolness and selfpossession which are the indispensable accompaniments of a great mind He seized Mr Winkle by the arm and placing himself between that gentleman and Mr Snodgrass earnestly besought them to remember that beyond the possibility of being rendered deaf by the noise there was no immediate danger to be apprehended from the firing Butbutsuppose some of the men should happen to have ball cartridges by mistake remonstrated Mr Winkle pallid at the supposition he was himself conjuring up I heard something whistle through the air nowso sharp close to my ear We had better throw ourselves on our faces hadnt we said Mr Snodgrass No noits over now said Mr Pickwick His lip might quiver and his cheek might blanch but no expression of fear or concern escaped the lips of that immortal man Mr Pickwick was rightthe firing ceased but he had scarcely time to congratulate himself on the accuracy of his opinion when a quick movement was visible in the line the hoarse shout of the word of command ran along it and before either of the party could form a guess at the meaning of this new manoeuvre the whole of the halfdozen regiments with fixed bayonets charged at doublequick time down upon the very spot on which Mr Pickwick and his friends were stationed Man is but mortal and there is a point beyond which human courage cannot extend Mr Pickwick gazed through his spectacles for an instant on the advancing mass and then fairly turned his back andwe will not say fled firstly because it is an ignoble term and secondly because Mr Pickwicks figure was by no means adapted for that mode of retreat he trotted away at as quick a rate as his legs would convey him so quickly indeed that he did not perceive the awkwardness of his situation to the full extent until too late The opposite troops whose fallingin had perplexed Mr Pickwick a few seconds before were drawn up to repel the mimic attack of the sham besiegers of the citadel and the consequence was that Mr Pickwick and his two companions found themselves suddenly inclosed between two lines of great length the one advancing at a rapid pace and the other firmly waiting the collision in hostile array Hoi shouted the officers of the advancing line Get out of the way cried the officers of the stationary one Where are we to go to screamed the agitated Pickwickians Hoihoihoi was the only reply There was a moment of intense bewilderment a heavy tramp of footsteps a violent concussion a smothered laugh the halfdozen regiments were half a thousand yards off and the soles of Mr Pickwicks boots were elevated in air Mr Snodgrass and Mr Winkle had each performed a compulsory somerset with remarkable agility when the first object that met the eyes of the latter as he sat on the ground staunching with a yellow silk handkerchief the stream of life which issued from his nose was his venerated leader at some distance off running after his own hat which was gambolling playfully away in perspective There are very few moments in a mans existence when he experiences so much ludicrous distress or meets with so little charitable commiseration as when he is in pursuit of his own hat A vast deal of coolness and a peculiar degree of judgment are requisite in catching a hat A man must not be precipitate or he runs over it he must not rush into the opposite extreme or he loses it altogether The best way is to keep gently up with the object of pursuit to be wary and cautious to watch your opportunity well get gradually before it then make a rapid dive seize it by the crown and stick it firmly on your head smiling pleasantly all the time as if you thought it as good a joke as anybody else There was a fine gentle wind and Mr Pickwicks hat rolled sportively before it The wind puffed and Mr Pickwick puffed and the hat rolled over and over as merrily as a lively porpoise in a strong tide and on it might have rolled far beyond Mr Pickwicks reach had not its course been providentially stopped just as that gentleman was on the point of resigning it to its fate Mr Pickwick we say was completely exhausted and about to give up the chase when the hat was blown with some violence against the wheel of a carriage which was drawn up in a line with half a dozen other vehicles on the spot to which his steps had been directed Mr Pickwick perceiving his advantage darted briskly forward secured his property planted it on his head and paused to take breath He had not been stationary half a minute when he heard his own name eagerly pronounced by a voice which he at once recognised as Mr Tupmans and looking upwards he beheld a sight which filled him with surprise and pleasure In an open barouche the horses of which had been taken out the better to accommodate it to the crowded place stood a stout old gentleman in a blue coat and bright buttons corduroy breeches and topboots two young ladies in scarfs and feathers a young gentleman apparently enamoured of one of the young ladies in scarfs and feathers a lady of doubtful age probably the aunt of the aforesaid and Mr Tupman as easy and unconcerned as if he had belonged to the family from the first moments of his infancy Fastened up behind the barouche was a hamper of spacious dimensionsone of those hampers which always awakens in a contemplative mind associations connected with cold fowls tongues and bottles of wineand on the box sat a fat and redfaced boy in a state of somnolency whom no speculative observer could have regarded for an instant without setting down as the official dispenser of the contents of the beforementioned hamper when the proper time for their consumption should arrive Mr Pickwick had bestowed a hasty glance on these interesting objects when he was again greeted by his faithful disciple PickwickPickwick said Mr Tupman come up here Make haste Come along Sir Pray come up said the stout gentleman Joedamn that boy hes gone to sleep againJoe let down the steps The fat boy rolled slowly off the box let down the steps and held the carriage door invitingly open Mr Snodgrass and Mr Winkle came up at the moment Room for you all gentlemen said the stout man Two inside and one out Joe make room for one of these gentlemen on the box Now Sir come along and the stout gentleman extended his arm and pulled first Mr Pickwick and then Mr Snodgrass into the barouche by main force Mr Winkle mounted to the box the fat boy waddled to the same perch and fell fast asleep instantly Well gentlemen said the stout man very glad to see you Know you very well gentlemen though you maynt remember me I spent some evnins at your club last winterpicked up my friend Mr Tupman here this morning and very glad I was to see him Well Sir and how are you You do look uncommon well to be sure Mr Pickwick acknowledged the compliment and cordially shook hands with the stout gentleman in the topboots Well and how are you sir said the stout gentleman addressing Mr Snodgrass with paternal anxiety Charming eh Well thats right thats right And how are you sir to Mr Winkle Well I am glad to hear you say you are well very glad I am to be sure My daughters gentlemenmy gals these are and thats my sister Miss Rachael Wardle Shes a Miss she is and yet she aint a Misseh Sir eh And the stout gentleman playfully inserted his elbow between the ribs of Mr Pickwick and laughed very heartily Lor brother said Miss Wardle with a deprecating smile True true said the stout gentleman no one can deny it Gentlemen I beg your pardon this is my friend Mr Trundle And now you all know each other lets be comfortable and happy and see whats going forward thats what I say So the stout gentleman put on his spectacles and Mr Pickwick pulled out his glass and everybody stood up in the carriage and looked over somebody elses shoulder at the evolutions of the military Astounding evolutions they were one rank firing over the heads of another rank and then running away and then the other rank firing over the heads of another rank and running away in their turn and then forming squares with officers in the centre and then descending the trench on one side with scalingladders and ascending it on the other again by the same means and knocking down barricades of baskets and behaving in the most gallant manner possible Then there was such a ramming down of the contents of enormous guns on the battery with instruments like magnified mops such a preparation before they were let off and such an awful noise when they did go that the air resounded with the screams of ladies The young Misses Wardle were so frightened that Mr Trundle was actually obliged to hold one of them up in the carriage while Mr Snodgrass supported the other and Mr Wardles sister suffered under such a dreadful state of nervous alarm that Mr Tupman found it indispensably necessary to put his arm round her waist to keep her up at all Everybody was excited except the fat boy and he slept as soundly as if the roaring of cannon were his ordinary lullaby Joe Joe said the stout gentleman when the citadel was taken and the besiegers and besieged sat down to dinner Damn that boy hes gone to sleep again Be good enough to pinch him sirin the leg if you please nothing else wakes himthank you Undo the hamper Joe The fat boy who had been effectually roused by the compression of a portion of his leg between the finger and thumb of Mr Winkle rolled off the box once again and proceeded to unpack the hamper with more expedition than could have been expected from his previous inactivity Now we must sit close said the stout gentleman After a great many jokes about squeezing the ladies sleeves and a vast quantity of blushing at sundry jocose proposals that the ladies should sit in the gentlemens laps the whole party were stowed down in the barouche and the stout gentleman proceeded to hand the things from the fat boy who had mounted up behind for the purpose into the carriage Now Joe knives and forks The knives and forks were handed in and the ladies and gentlemen inside and Mr Winkle on the box were each furnished with those useful instruments Plates Joe plates A similar process employed in the distribution of the crockery Now Joe the fowls Damn that boy hes gone to sleep again Joe Joe Sundry taps on the head with a stick and the fat boy with some difficulty roused from his lethargy Come hand in the eatables There was something in the sound of the last word which roused the unctuous boy He jumped up and the leaden eyes which twinkled behind his mountainous cheeks leered horribly upon the food as he unpacked it from the basket Now make haste said Mr Wardle for the fat boy was hanging fondly over a capon which he seemed wholly unable to part with The boy sighed deeply and bestowing an ardent gaze upon its plumpness unwillingly consigned it to his master Thats rightlook sharp Now the tonguenow the pigeon pie Take care of that veal and hammind the lobsterstake the salad out of the clothgive me the dressing Such were the hurried orders which issued from the lips of Mr Wardle as he handed in the different articles described and placed dishes in everybodys hands and on everybodys knees in endless number Now aint this capital inquired that jolly personage when the work of destruction had commenced Capital said Mr Winkle who was carving a fowl on the box Glass of wine With the greatest pleasure Youd better have a bottle to yourself up there hadnt you Youre very good Joe Yes Sir He wasnt asleep this time having just succeeded in abstracting a veal patty Bottle of wine to the gentleman on the box Glad to see you Sir Thankee Mr Winkle emptied his glass and placed the bottle on the coachbox by his side Will you permit me to have the pleasure Sir said Mr Trundle to Mr Winkle With great pleasure replied Mr Winkle to Mr Trundle and then the two gentlemen took wine after which they took a glass of wine round ladies and all How dear Emily is flirting with the strange gentleman whispered the spinster aunt with true spinsterauntlike envy to her brother Mr Wardle Oh I dont know said the jolly old gentleman all very natural I dare saynothing unusual Mr Pickwick some wine Sir Mr Pickwick who had been deeply investigating the interior of the pigeonpie readily assented Emily my dear said the spinster aunt with a patronising air dont talk so loud love Lor aunt Aunt and the little old gentleman want to have it all to themselves I think whispered Miss Isabella Wardle to her sister Emily The young ladies laughed very heartily and the old one tried to look amiable but couldnt manage it Young girls have such spirits said Miss Wardle to Mr Tupman with an air of gentle commiseration as if animal spirits were contraband and their possession without a permit a high crime and misdemeanour Oh they have replied Mr Tupman not exactly making the sort of reply that was expected from him Its quite delightful Hem said Miss Wardle rather dubiously Will you permit me said Mr Tupman in his blandest manner touching the enchanting Rachaels wrist with one hand and gently elevating the bottle with the other Will you permit me Oh sir Mr Tupman looked most impressive and Rachael expressed her fear that more guns were going off in which case of course she should have required support again Do you think my dear nieces pretty whispered their affectionate aunt to Mr Tupman I should if their aunt wasnt here replied the ready Pickwickian with a passionate glance Oh you naughty manbut really if their complexions were a little better dont you think they would be nicelooking girlsby candlelight Yes I think they would said Mr Tupman with an air of indifference Oh you quizI know what you were going to say What inquired Mr Tupman who had not precisely made up his mind to say anything at all You were going to say that Isabel stoopsI know you wereyou men are such observers Well so she does it cant be denied and certainly if there is one thing more than another that makes a girl look ugly it is stooping I often tell her that when she gets a little older shell be quite frightful Well you are a quiz Mr Tupman had no objection to earning the reputation at so cheap a rate so he looked very knowing and smiled mysteriously What a sarcastic smile said the admiring Rachael I declare Im quite afraid of you Afraid of me Oh you cant disguise anything from meI know what that smile means very well What said Mr Tupman who had not the slightest notion himself You mean said the amiable aunt sinking her voice still loweryou mean that you dont think Isabellas stooping is as bad as Emilys boldness Well she is bold You cannot think how wretched it makes me sometimesIm sure I cry about it for hours togethermy dear brother is so good and so unsuspicious that he never sees it if he did Im quite certain it would break his heart I wish I could think it was only mannerI hope it may be Here the affectionate relative heaved a deep sigh and shook her head despondingly Im sure aunts talking about us whispered Miss Emily Wardle to her sisterIm quite certain of itshe looks so malicious Is she replied IsabellaHem aunt dear Yes my dear love Im so afraid youll catch cold aunthave a silk handkerchief to tie round your dear old headyou really should take care of yourself consider your age However well deserved this piece of retaliation might have been it was as vindictive a one as could well have been resorted to There is no guessing in what form of reply the aunts indignation would have vented itself had not Mr Wardle unconsciously changed the subject by calling emphatically for Joe Damn that boy said the old gentleman hes gone to sleep again Very extraordinary boy that said Mr Pickwick does he always sleep in this way Sleep said the old gentleman hes always asleep Goes on errands fast asleep and snores as he waits at table How very odd said Mr Pickwick Ah odd indeed returned the old gentleman Im proud of that boy wouldnt part with him on any accounthes a natural curiosity Here JoeJoetake these things away and open another bottledye hear The fat boy rose opened his eyes swallowed the huge piece of pie he had been in the act of masticating when he last fell asleep and slowly obeyed his masters ordersgloating languidly over the remains of the feast as he removed the plates and deposited them in the hamper The fresh bottle was produced and speedily emptied the hamper was made fast in its old placethe fat boy once more mounted the boxthe spectacles and pocketglass were again adjustedand the evolutions of the military recommenced There was a great fizzing and banging of guns and starting of ladiesand then a mine was sprung to the gratification of everybodyand when the mine had gone off the military and the company followed its example and went off too Now mind said the old gentleman as he shook hands with Mr Pickwick at the conclusion of a conversation which had been carried on at intervals during the conclusion of the proceedings we shall see you all tomorrow Most certainly replied Mr Pickwick You have got the address Manor Farm Dingley Dell said Mr Pickwick consulting his pocket book Thats it said the old gentleman I dont let you off mind under a week and undertake that you shall see everything worth seeing If youve come down for a country life come to me and Ill give you plenty of it Joedamn that boy hes gone to sleep againJoe help Tom put in the horses The horses were put inthe driver mountedthe fat boy clambered up by his sidefarewells were exchangedand the carriage rattled off As the Pickwickians turned round to take a last glimpse of it the setting sun cast a rich glow on the faces of their entertainers and fell upon the form of the fat boy His head was sunk upon his bosom and he slumbered again CHAPTER V A SHORT ONESHOWING AMONG OTHER MATTERS HOW Mr PICKWICK UNDERTOOK TO DRIVE AND MR WINKLE TO RIDE AND HOW THEY BOTH DID IT Bright and pleasant was the sky balmy the air and beautiful the appearance of every object around as Mr Pickwick leaned over the balustrades of Rochester Bridge contemplating nature and waiting for breakfast The scene was indeed one which might well have charmed a far less reflective mind than that to which it was presented On the left of the spectator lay the ruined wall broken in many places and in some overhanging the narrow beach below in rude and heavy masses Huge knots of seaweed hung upon the jagged and pointed stones trembling in every breath of wind and the green ivy clung mournfully round the dark and ruined battlements Behind it rose the ancient castle its towers roofless and its massive walls crumbling away but telling us proudly of its old might and strength as when seven hundred years ago it rang with the clash of arms or resounded with the noise of feasting and revelry On either side the banks of the Medway covered with cornfields and pastures with here and there a windmill or a distant church stretched away as far as the eye could see presenting a rich and varied landscape rendered more beautiful by the changing shadows which passed swiftly across it as the thin and halfformed clouds skimmed away in the light of the morning sun The river reflecting the clear blue of the sky glistened and sparkled as it flowed noiselessly on and the oars of the fishermen dipped into the water with a clear and liquid sound as their heavy but picturesque boats glided slowly down the stream Mr Pickwick was roused from the agreeable reverie into which he had been led by the objects before him by a deep sigh and a touch on his shoulder He turned round and the dismal man was at his side Contemplating the scene inquired the dismal man I was said Mr Pickwick And congratulating yourself on being up so soon Mr Pickwick nodded assent Ah people need to rise early to see the sun in all his splendour for his brightness seldom lasts the day through The morning of day and the morning of life are but too much alike You speak truly sir said Mr Pickwick How common the saying continued the dismal man The mornings too fine to last How well might it be applied to our everyday existence God what would I forfeit to have the days of my childhood restored or to be able to forget them for ever You have seen much trouble sir said Mr Pickwick compassionately I have said the dismal man hurriedly I have More than those who see me now would believe possible He paused for an instant and then said abruptly Did it ever strike you on such a morning as this that drowning would be happiness and peace God bless me no replied Mr Pickwick edging a little from the balustrade as the possibility of the dismal mans tipping him over by way of experiment occurred to him rather forcibly I have thought so often said the dismal man without noticing the action The calm cool water seems to me to murmur an invitation to repose and rest A bound a splash a brief struggle there is an eddy for an instant it gradually subsides into a gentle ripple the waters have closed above your head and the world has closed upon your miseries and misfortunes for ever The sunken eye of the dismal man flashed brightly as he spoke but the momentary excitement quickly subsided and he turned calmly away as he said Thereenough of that I wish to see you on another subject You invited me to read that paper the night before last and listened attentively while I did so I did replied Mr Pickwick and I certainly thought I asked for no opinion said the dismal man interrupting him and I want none You are travelling for amusement and instruction Suppose I forward you a curious manuscriptobserve not curious because wild or improbable but curious as a leaf from the romance of real lifewould you communicate it to the club of which you have spoken so frequently Certainly replied Mr Pickwick if you wished it and it would be entered on their transactions You shall have it replied the dismal man Your address and Mr Pickwick having communicated their probable route the dismal man carefully noted it down in a greasy pocketbook and resisting Mr Pickwicks pressing invitation to breakfast left that gentleman at his inn and walked slowly away Mr Pickwick found that his three companions had risen and were waiting his arrival to commence breakfast which was ready laid in tempting display They sat down to the meal and broiled ham eggs tea coffee and sundries began to disappear with a rapidity which at once bore testimony to the excellence of the fare and the appetites of its consumers Now about Manor Farm said Mr Pickwick How shall we go We had better consult the waiter perhaps said Mr Tupman and the waiter was summoned accordingly Dingley Dell gentlemenfifteen miles gentlemencross roadpost chaise sir Postchaise wont hold more than two said Mr Pickwick True sirbeg your pardon sirVery nice fourwheel chaise sir seat for two behindone in front for the gentleman that drivesoh beg your pardon sirthatll only hold three Whats to be done said Mr Snodgrass Perhaps one of the gentlemen would like to ride sir suggested the waiter looking towards Mr Winkle very good saddlehorses sirany of Mr Wardles men coming to Rochester bring em back Sir The very thing said Mr Pickwick Winkle will you go on horseback Now Mr Winkle did entertain considerable misgivings in the very lowest recesses of his own heart relative to his equestrian skill but as he would not have them even suspected on any account he at once replied with great hardihood Certainly I should enjoy it of all things Mr Winkle had rushed upon his fate there was no resource Let them be at the door by eleven said Mr Pickwick Very well sir replied the waiter The waiter retired the breakfast concluded and the travellers ascended to their respective bedrooms to prepare a change of clothing to take with them on their approaching expedition Mr Pickwick had made his preliminary arrangements and was looking over the coffeeroom blinds at the passengers in the street when the waiter entered and announced that the chaise was readyan announcement which the vehicle itself confirmed by forthwith appearing before the coffee room blinds aforesaid It was a curious little green box on four wheels with a low place like a winebin for two behind and an elevated perch for one in front drawn by an immense brown horse displaying great symmetry of bone An hostler stood near holding by the bridle another immense horseapparently a near relative of the animal in the chaiseready saddled for Mr Winkle Bless my soul said Mr Pickwick as they stood upon the pavement while the coats were being put in Bless my soul whos to drive I never thought of that Oh you of course said Mr Tupman Of course said Mr Snodgrass I exclaimed Mr Pickwick Not the slightest fear Sir interposed the hostler Warrant him quiet Sir a hinfant in arms might drive him He dont shy does he inquired Mr Pickwick Shy sirhe wouldnt shy if he was to meet a vaginload of monkeys with their tails burned off The last recommendation was indisputable Mr Tupman and Mr Snodgrass got into the bin Mr Pickwick ascended to his perch and deposited his feet on a floorclothed shelf erected beneath it for that purpose Now shiny Villiam said the hostler to the deputy hostler give the genlmn the ribbons Shiny Villiamso called probably from his sleek hair and oily countenanceplaced the reins in Mr Pickwicks left hand and the upper hostler thrust a whip into his right Woo cried Mr Pickwick as the tall quadruped evinced a decided inclination to back into the coffeeroom window Woo echoed Mr Tupman and Mr Snodgrass from the bin Only his playfulness genlmn said the head hostler encouragingly jist kitch hold on him Villiam The deputy restrained the animals impetuosity and the principal ran to assist Mr Winkle in mounting Tother side sir if you please Blowed if the genlmn wornt agettin up on the wrong side whispered a grinning postboy to the inexpressibly gratified waiter Mr Winkle thus instructed climbed into his saddle with about as much difficulty as he would have experienced in getting up the side of a firstrate manofwar All right inquired Mr Pickwick with an inward presentiment that it was all wrong All right replied Mr Winkle faintly Let em go cried the hostlerHold him in sir and away went the chaise and the saddlehorse with Mr Pickwick on the box of the one and Mr Winkle on the back of the other to the delight and gratification of the whole innyard What makes him go sideways said Mr Snodgrass in the bin to Mr Winkle in the saddle I cant imagine replied Mr Winkle His horse was drifting up the street in the most mysterious mannerside first with his head towards one side of the way and his tail towards the other Mr Pickwick had no leisure to observe either this or any other particular the whole of his faculties being concentrated in the management of the animal attached to the chaise who displayed various peculiarities highly interesting to a bystander but by no means equally amusing to any one seated behind him Besides constantly jerking his head up in a very unpleasant and uncomfortable manner and tugging at the reins to an extent which rendered it a matter of great difficulty for Mr Pickwick to hold them he had a singular propensity for darting suddenly every now and then to the side of the road then stopping short and then rushing forward for some minutes at a speed which it was wholly impossible to control What can he mean by this said Mr Snodgrass when the horse had executed this manoeuvre for the twentieth time I dont know replied Mr Tupman it looks very like shying dont it Mr Snodgrass was about to reply when he was interrupted by a shout from Mr Pickwick Woo said that gentleman I have dropped my whip Winkle said Mr Snodgrass as the equestrian came trotting up on the tall horse with his hat over his ears and shaking all over as if he would shake to pieces with the violence of the exercise pick up the whip theres a good fellow Mr Winkle pulled at the bridle of the tall horse till he was black in the face and having at length succeeded in stopping him dismounted handed the whip to Mr Pickwick and grasping the reins prepared to remount Now whether the tall horse in the natural playfulness of his disposition was desirous of having a little innocent recreation with Mr Winkle or whether it occurred to him that he could perform the journey as much to his own satisfaction without a rider as with one are points upon which of course we can arrive at no definite and distinct conclusion By whatever motives the animal was actuated certain it is that Mr Winkle had no sooner touched the reins than he slipped them over his head and darted backwards to their full length Poor fellow said Mr Winkle soothinglypoor fellowgood old horse The poor fellow was proof against flattery the more Mr Winkle tried to get nearer him the more he sidled away and notwithstanding all kinds of coaxing and wheedling there were Mr Winkle and the horse going round and round each other for ten minutes at the end of which time each was at precisely the same distance from the other as when they first commencedan unsatisfactory sort of thing under any circumstances but particularly so in a lonely road where no assistance can be procured What am I to do shouted Mr Winkle after the dodging had been prolonged for a considerable time What am I to do I cant get on him You had better lead him till we come to a turnpike replied Mr Pickwick from the chaise But he wont come roared Mr Winkle Do come and hold him Mr Pickwick was the very personation of kindness and humanity he threw the reins on the horses back and having descended from his seat carefully drew the chaise into the hedge lest anything should come along the road and stepped back to the assistance of his distressed companion leaving Mr Tupman and Mr Snodgrass in the vehicle The horse no sooner beheld Mr Pickwick advancing towards him with the chaise whip in his hand than he exchanged the rotary motion in which he had previously indulged for a retrograde movement of so very determined a character that it at once drew Mr Winkle who was still at the end of the bridle at a rather quicker rate than fast walking in the direction from which they had just come Mr Pickwick ran to his assistance but the faster Mr Pickwick ran forward the faster the horse ran backward There was a great scraping of feet and kicking up of the dust and at last Mr Winkle his arms being nearly pulled out of their sockets fairly let go his hold The horse paused stared shook his head turned round and quietly trotted home to Rochester leaving Mr Winkle and Mr Pickwick gazing on each other with countenances of blank dismay A rattling noise at a little distance attracted their attention They looked up Bless my soul exclaimed the agonised Mr Pickwick theres the other horse running away It was but too true The animal was startled by the noise and the reins were on his back The results may be guessed He tore off with the four wheeled chaise behind him and Mr Tupman and Mr Snodgrass in the four wheeled chaise The heat was a short one Mr Tupman threw himself into the hedge Mr Snodgrass followed his example the horse dashed the fourwheeled chaise against a wooden bridge separated the wheels from the body and the bin from the perch and finally stood stock still to gaze upon the ruin he had made The first care of the two unspilt friends was to extricate their unfortunate companions from their bed of quickseta process which gave them the unspeakable satisfaction of discovering that they had sustained no injury beyond sundry rents in their garments and various lacerations from the brambles The next thing to be done was to unharness the horse This complicated process having been effected the party walked slowly forward leading the horse among them and abandoning the chaise to its fate An hours walk brought the travellers to a little roadside public house with two elmtrees a horse trough and a signpost in front one or two deformed hayricks behind a kitchen garden at the side and rotten sheds and mouldering outhouses jumbled in strange confusion all about it A redheaded man was working in the garden and to him Mr Pickwick called lustily Hollo there The redheaded man raised his body shaded his eyes with his hand and stared long and coolly at Mr Pickwick and his companions Hollo there repeated Mr Pickwick Hollo was the redheaded mans reply How far is it to Dingley Dell Better er seven mile Is it a good road No taint Having uttered this brief reply and apparently satisfied himself with another scrutiny the redheaded man resumed his work We want to put this horse up here said Mr Pickwick I suppose we can cant we Want to put that ere horse up do ee repeated the redheaded man leaning on his spade Of course replied Mr Pickwick who had by this time advanced horse in hand to the garden rails Missusroared the man with the red head emerging from the garden and looking very hard at the horsemissus A tall bony womanstraight all the way downin a coarse blue pelisse with the waist an inch or two below her armpits responded to the call Can we put this horse up here my good woman said Mr Tupman advancing and speaking in his most seductive tones The woman looked very hard at the whole party and the redheaded man whispered something in her ear No replied the woman after a little consideration Im afeerd on it Afraid exclaimed Mr Pickwick whats the woman afraid of It got us in trouble last time said the woman turning into the house I woant have nothin to say to un Most extraordinary thing I have ever met with in my life said the astonished Mr Pickwick IIreally believe whispered Mr Winkle as his friends gathered round him that they think we have come by this horse in some dishonest manner What exclaimed Mr Pickwick in a storm of indignation Mr Winkle modestly repeated his suggestion Hollo you fellow said the angry Mr Pickwick do you think we stole the horse Im sure ye did replied the redheaded man with a grin which agitated his countenance from one auricular organ to the other Saying which he turned into the house and banged the door after him Its like a dream ejaculated Mr Pickwick a hideous dream The idea of a mans walking about all day with a dreadful horse that he cant get rid of The depressed Pickwickians turned moodily away with the tall quadruped for which they all felt the most unmitigated disgust following slowly at their heels It was late in the afternoon when the four friends and their fourfooted companion turned into the lane leading to Manor Farm and even when they were so near their place of destination the pleasure they would otherwise have experienced was materially damped as they reflected on the singularity of their appearance and the absurdity of their situation Torn clothes lacerated faces dusty shoes exhausted looks and above all the horse Oh how Mr Pickwick cursed that horse he had eyed the noble animal from time to time with looks expressive of hatred and revenge more than once he had calculated the probable amount of the expense he would incur by cutting his throat and now the temptation to destroy him or to cast him loose upon the world rushed upon his mind with tenfold force He was roused from a meditation on these dire imaginings by the sudden appearance of two figures at a turn of the lane It was Mr Wardle and his faithful attendant the fat boy Why where have you been said the hospitable old gentleman Ive been waiting for you all day Well you do look tired What Scratches Not hurt I hopeeh Well I am glad to hear thatvery So youve been spilt eh Never mind Common accident in these parts Joehes asleep againJoe take that horse from the gentlemen and lead it into the stable The fat boy sauntered heavily behind them with the animal and the old gentleman condoling with his guests in homely phrase on so much of the days adventures as they thought proper to communicate led the way to the kitchen Well have you put to rights here said the old gentleman and then Ill introduce you to the people in the parlour Emma bring out the cherry brandy now Jane a needle and thread here towels and water Mary Come girls bustle about Three or four buxom girls speedily dispersed in search of the different articles in requisition while a couple of largeheaded circular visaged males rose from their seats in the chimneycorner for although it was a May evening their attachment to the wood fire appeared as cordial as if it were Christmas and dived into some obscure recesses from which they speedily produced a bottle of blacking and some half dozen brushes Bustle said the old gentleman again but the admonition was quite unnecessary for one of the girls poured out the cherry brandy and another brought in the towels and one of the men suddenly seizing Mr Pickwick by the leg at imminent hazard of throwing him off his balance brushed away at his boot till his corns were redhot while the other shampooed Mr Winkle with a heavy clothesbrush indulging during the operation in that hissing sound which hostlers are wont to produce when engaged in rubbing down a horse Mr Snodgrass having concluded his ablutions took a survey of the room while standing with his back to the fire sipping his cherry brandy with heartfelt satisfaction He describes it as a large apartment with a red brick floor and a capacious chimney the ceiling garnished with hams sides of bacon and ropes of onions The walls were decorated with several huntingwhips two or three bridles a saddle and an old rusty blunderbuss with an inscription below it intimating that it was Loadedas it had been on the same authority for half a century at least An old eightday clock of solemn and sedate demeanour ticked gravely in one corner and a silver watch of equal antiquity dangled from one of the many hooks which ornamented the dresser Ready said the old gentleman inquiringly when his guests had been washed mended brushed and brandied Quite replied Mr Pickwick Come along then and the party having traversed several dark passages and being joined by Mr Tupman who had lingered behind to snatch a kiss from Emma for which he had been duly rewarded with sundry pushings and scratchings arrived at the parlour door Welcome said their hospitable host throwing it open and stepping forward to announce them welcome gentlemen to Manor Farm CHAPTER VI AN OLDFASHIONED CARDPARTYTHE CLERGYMANS VERSESTHE STORY OF THE CONVICTS RETURN Several guests who were assembled in the old parlour rose to greet Mr Pickwick and his friends upon their entrance and during the performance of the ceremony of introduction with all due formalities Mr Pickwick had leisure to observe the appearance and speculate upon the characters and pursuits of the persons by whom he was surroundeda habit in which he in common with many other great men delighted to indulge A very old lady in a lofty cap and faded silk gownno less a personage than Mr Wardles motheroccupied the post of honour on the righthand corner of the chimneypiece and various certificates of her having been brought up in the way she should go when young and of her not having departed from it when old ornamented the walls in the form of samplers of ancient date worsted landscapes of equal antiquity and crimson silk teakettle holders of a more modern period The aunt the two young ladies and Mr Wardle each vying with the other in paying zealous and unremitting attentions to the old lady crowded round her easychair one holding her eartrumpet another an orange and a third a smelling bottle while a fourth was busily engaged in patting and punching the pillows which were arranged for her support On the opposite side sat a baldheaded old gentleman with a goodhumoured benevolent facethe clergyman of Dingley Dell and next him sat his wife a stout blooming old lady who looked as if she were well skilled not only in the art and mystery of manufacturing homemade cordials greatly to other peoples satisfaction but of tasting them occasionally very much to her own A little hardheaded Ripstone pippinfaced man was conversing with a fat old gentleman in one corner and two or three more old gentlemen and two or three more old ladies sat bolt upright and motionless on their chairs staring very hard at Mr Pickwick and his fellowvoyagers Mr Pickwick mother said Mr Wardle at the very top of his voice Ah said the old lady shaking her head I cant hear you Mr Pickwick grandma screamed both the young ladies together Ah exclaimed the old lady Well it dont much matter He dont care for an old ooman like me I dare say I assure you maam said Mr Pickwick grasping the old ladys hand and speaking so loud that the exertion imparted a crimson hue to his benevolent countenanceI assure you maam that nothing delights me more than to see a lady of your time of life heading so fine a family and looking so young and well Ah said the old lady after a short pause its all very fine I dare say but I cant hear him Grandmas rather put out now said Miss Isabella Wardle in a low tone but shell talk to you presently Mr Pickwick nodded his readiness to humour the infirmities of age and entered into a general conversation with the other members of the circle Delightful situation this said Mr Pickwick Delightful echoed Messrs Snodgrass Tupman and Winkle Well I think it is said Mr Wardle There aint a better spot o ground in all Kent sir said the hard headed man with the pippinface there aint indeed sirIm sure there aint Sir The hardheaded man looked triumphantly round as if he had been very much contradicted by somebody but had got the better of him at last There aint a better spot o ground in all Kent said the hardheaded man again after a pause Cept Mullinss Meadows observed the fat man solemnly Mullinss Meadows ejaculated the other with profound contempt Ah Mullinss Meadows repeated the fat man Reglar good land that interposed another fat man And so it is surely said a third fat man Everybody knows that said the corpulent host The hardheaded man looked dubiously round but finding himself in a minority assumed a compassionate air and said no more What are they talking about inquired the old lady of one of her granddaughters in a very audible voice for like many deaf people she never seemed to calculate on the possibility of other persons hearing what she said herself About the land grandma What about the landNothing the matter is there No no Mr Miller was saying our land was better than Mullinss Meadows How should he know anything about itinquired the old lady indignantly Millers a conceited coxcomb and you may tell him I said so Saying which the old lady quite unconscious that she had spoken above a whisper drew herself up and looked carvingknives at the hard headed delinquent Come come said the bustling host with a natural anxiety to change the conversation what say you to a rubber Mr Pickwick I should like it of all things replied that gentleman but pray dont make up one on my account Oh I assure you mothers very fond of a rubber said Mr Wardle aint you mother The old lady who was much less deaf on this subject than on any other replied in the affirmative Joe Joe said the gentleman Joedamn thatoh here he is put out the cardtables The lethargic youth contrived without any additional rousing to set out two cardtables the one for Pope Joan and the other for whist The whistplayers were Mr Pickwick and the old lady Mr Miller and the fat gentleman The round game comprised the rest of the company The rubber was conducted with all that gravity of deportment and sedateness of demeanour which befit the pursuit entitled whista solemn observance to which as it appears to us the title of game has been very irreverently and ignominiously applied The roundgame table on the other hand was so boisterously merry as materially to interrupt the contemplations of Mr Miller who not being quite so much absorbed as he ought to have been contrived to commit various high crimes and misdemeanours which excited the wrath of the fat gentleman to a very great extent and called forth the goodhumour of the old lady in a proportionate degree There said the criminal Miller triumphantly as he took up the odd trick at the conclusion of a hand that could not have been played better I flatter myself impossible to have made another trick Miller ought to have trumped the diamond oughtnt he Sir said the old lady Mr Pickwick nodded assent Ought I though said the unfortunate with a doubtful appeal to his partner You ought Sir said the fat gentleman in an awful voice Very sorry said the crestfallen Miller Much use that growled the fat gentleman Two by honoursmakes us eight said Mr Pickwick Another hand Can you one inquired the old lady I can replied Mr Pickwick Double single and the rub Never was such luck said Mr Miller Never was such cards said the fat gentleman A solemn silence Mr Pickwick humorous the old lady serious the fat gentleman captious and Mr Miller timorous Another double said the old lady triumphantly making a memorandum of the circumstance by placing one sixpence and a battered halfpenny under the candlestick A double sir said Mr Pickwick Quite aware of the fact Sir replied the fat gentleman sharply Another game with a similar result was followed by a revoke from the unlucky Miller on which the fat gentleman burst into a state of high personal excitement which lasted until the conclusion of the game when he retired into a corner and remained perfectly mute for one hour and twentyseven minutes at the end of which time he emerged from his retirement and offered Mr Pickwick a pinch of snuff with the air of a man who had made up his mind to a Christian forgiveness of injuries sustained The old ladys hearing decidedly improved and the unlucky Miller felt as much out of his element as a dolphin in a sentrybox Meanwhile the round game proceeded right merrily Isabella Wardle and Mr Trundle went partners and Emily Wardle and Mr Snodgrass did the same and even Mr Tupman and the spinster aunt established a joint stock company of fish and flattery Old Mr Wardle was in the very height of his jollity and he was so funny in his management of the board and the old ladies were so sharp after their winnings that the whole table was in a perpetual roar of merriment and laughter There was one old lady who always had about half a dozen cards to pay for at which everybody laughed regularly every round and when the old lady looked cross at having to pay they laughed louder than ever on which the old ladys face gradually brightened up till at last she laughed louder than any of them Then when the spinster aunt got matrimony the young ladies laughed afresh and the Spinster aunt seemed disposed to be pettish till feeling Mr Tupman squeezing her hand under the table she brightened up too and looked rather knowing as if matrimony in reality were not quite so far off as some people thought for whereupon everybody laughed again and especially old Mr Wardle who enjoyed a joke as much as the youngest As to Mr Snodgrass he did nothing but whisper poetical sentiments into his partners ear which made one old gentleman facetiously sly about partnerships at cards and partnerships for life and caused the aforesaid old gentleman to make some remarks thereupon accompanied with divers winks and chuckles which made the company very merry and the old gentlemans wife especially so And Mr Winkle came out with jokes which are very well known in town but are not all known in the country and as everybody laughed at them very heartily and said they were very capital Mr Winkle was in a state of great honour and glory And the benevolent clergyman looked pleasantly on for the happy faces which surrounded the table made the good old man feel happy too and though the merriment was rather boisterous still it came from the heart and not from the lips and this is the right sort of merriment after all The evening glided swiftly away in these cheerful recreations and when the substantial though homely supper had been despatched and the little party formed a social circle round the fire Mr Pickwick thought he had never felt so happy in his life and at no time so much disposed to enjoy and make the most of the passing moment Now this said the hospitable host who was sitting in great state next the old ladys armchair with her hand fast clasped in histhis is just what I likethe happiest moments of my life have been passed at this old fireside and I am so attached to it that I keep up a blazing fire here every evening until it actually grows too hot to bear it Why my poor old mother here used to sit before this fireplace upon that little stool when she was a girl didnt you mother The tear which starts unbidden to the eye when the recollection of old times and the happiness of many years ago is suddenly recalled stole down the old ladys face as she shook her head with a melancholy smile You must excuse my talking about this old place Mr Pickwick resumed the host after a short pause for I love it dearly and know no other the old houses and fields seem like living friends to me and so does our little church with the ivy about which by the bye our excellent friend there made a song when he first came amongst us Mr Snodgrass have you anything in your glass Plenty thank you replied that gentleman whose poetic curiosity had been greatly excited by the last observation of his entertainer I beg your pardon but you were talking about the song of the Ivy You must ask our friend opposite about that said the host knowingly indicating the clergyman by a nod of his head May I say that I should like to hear you repeat it sir said Mr Snodgrass Why really replied the clergyman its a very slight affair and the only excuse I have for having ever perpetrated it is that I was a young man at the time Such as it is however you shall hear it if you wish A murmur of curiosity was of course the reply and the old gentleman proceeded to recite with the aid of sundry promptings from his wife the lines in question I call them said he THE IVY GREEN Oh a dainty plant is the Ivy green That creepeth oer ruins old Of right choice food are his meals I ween In his cell so lone and cold The wall must be crumbled the stone decayed To pleasure his dainty whim And the mouldering dust that years have made Is a merry meal for him Creeping where no life is seen A rare old plant is the Ivy green Fast he stealeth on though he wears no wings And a staunch old heart has he How closely he twineth how tight he clings To his friend the huge Oak Tree And slily he traileth along the ground And his leaves he gently waves As he joyously hugs and crawleth round The rich mould of dead mens graves Creeping where grim death has been A rare old plant is the Ivy green Whole ages have fled and their works decayed And nations have scattered been But the stout old Ivy shall never fade From its hale and hearty green The brave old plant in its lonely days Shall fatten upon the past For the stateliest building man can raise Is the Ivys food at last Creeping on where time has been A rare old plant is the Ivy green While the old gentleman repeated these lines a second time to enable Mr Snodgrass to note them down Mr Pickwick perused the lineaments of his face with an expression of great interest The old gentleman having concluded his dictation and Mr Snodgrass having returned his notebook to his pocket Mr Pickwick said Excuse me sir for making the remark on so short an acquaintance but a gentleman like yourself cannot fail I should think to have observed many scenes and incidents worth recording in the course of your experience as a minister of the Gospel I have witnessed some certainly replied the old gentleman but the incidents and characters have been of a homely and ordinary nature my sphere of action being so very limited You did make some notes I think about John Edmunds did you not inquired Mr Wardle who appeared very desirous to draw his friend out for the edification of his new visitors The old gentleman slightly nodded his head in token of assent and was proceeding to change the subject when Mr Pickwick said I beg your pardon sir but pray if I may venture to inquire who was John Edmunds The very thing I was about to ask said Mr Snodgrass eagerly You are fairly in for it said the jolly host You must satisfy the curiosity of these gentlemen sooner or later so you had better take advantage of this favourable opportunity and do so at once The old gentleman smiled goodhumouredly as he drew his chair forward the remainder of the party drew their chairs closer together especially Mr Tupman and the spinster aunt who were possibly rather hard of hearing and the old ladys eartrumpet having been duly adjusted and Mr Miller who had fallen asleep during the recital of the verses roused from his slumbers by an admonitory pinch administered beneath the table by his expartner the solemn fat man the old gentleman without further preface commenced the following tale to which we have taken the liberty of prefixing the title of THE CONVICTS RETURN When I first settled in this village said the old gentleman which is now just fiveandtwenty years ago the most notorious person among my parishioners was a man of the name of Edmunds who leased a small farm near this spot He was a morose savagehearted bad man idle and dissolute in his habits cruel and ferocious in his disposition Beyond the few lazy and reckless vagabonds with whom he sauntered away his time in the fields or sotted in the alehouse he had not a single friend or acquaintance no one cared to speak to the man whom many feared and every one detestedand Edmunds was shunned by all This man had a wife and one son who when I first came here was about twelve years old Of the acuteness of that womans sufferings of the gentle and enduring manner in which she bore them of the agony of solicitude with which she reared that boy no one can form an adequate conception Heaven forgive me the supposition if it be an uncharitable one but I do firmly and in my soul believe that the man systematically tried for many years to break her heart but she bore it all for her childs sake and however strange it may seem to many for his fathers too for brute as he was and cruelly as he had treated her she had loved him once and the recollection of what he had been to her awakened feelings of forbearance and meekness under suffering in her bosom to which all Gods creatures but women are strangers They were poorthey could not be otherwise when the man pursued such courses but the womans unceasing and unwearied exertions early and late morning noon and night kept them above actual want These exertions were but ill repaid People who passed the spot in the eveningsometimes at a late hour of the nightreported that they had heard the moans and sobs of a woman in distress and the sound of blows and more than once when it was past midnight the boy knocked softly at the door of a neighbours house whither he had been sent to escape the drunken fury of his unnatural father During the whole of this time and when the poor creature often bore about her marks of illusage and violence which she could not wholly conceal she was a constant attendant at our little church Regularly every Sunday morning and afternoon she occupied the same seat with the boy at her side and though they were both poorly dressedmuch more so than many of their neighbours who were in a lower stationthey were always neat and clean Every one had a friendly nod and a kind word for poor Mrs Edmunds and sometimes when she stopped to exchange a few words with a neighbour at the conclusion of the service in the little row of elmtrees which leads to the church porch or lingered behind to gaze with a mothers pride and fondness upon her healthy boy as he sported before her with some little companions her careworn face would lighten up with an expression of heartfelt gratitude and she would look if not cheerful and happy at least tranquil and contented Five or six years passed away the boy had become a robust and well grown youth The time that had strengthened the childs slight frame and knit his weak limbs into the strength of manhood had bowed his mothers form and enfeebled her steps but the arm that should have supported her was no longer locked in hers the face that should have cheered her no more looked upon her own She occupied her old seat but there was a vacant one beside her The Bible was kept as carefully as ever the places were found and folded down as they used to be but there was no one to read it with her and the tears fell thick and fast upon the book and blotted the words from her eyes Neighbours were as kind as they were wont to be of old but she shunned their greetings with averted head There was no lingering among the old elmtrees nowno cheering anticipations of happiness yet in store The desolate woman drew her bonnet closer over her face and walked hurriedly away Shall I tell you that the young man who looking back to the earliest of his childhoods days to which memory and consciousness extended and carrying his recollection down to that moment could remember nothing which was not in some way connected with a long series of voluntary privations suffered by his mother for his sake with illusage and insult and violence and all endured for himshall I tell you that he with a reckless disregard for her breaking heart and a sullen wilful forgetfulness of all she had done and borne for him had linked himself with depraved and abandoned men and was madly pursuing a headlong career which must bring death to him and shame to her Alas for human nature You have anticipated it long since The measure of the unhappy womans misery and misfortune was about to be completed Numerous offences had been committed in the neighbourhood the perpetrators remained undiscovered and their boldness increased A robbery of a daring and aggravated nature occasioned a vigilance of pursuit and a strictness of search they had not calculated on Young Edmunds was suspected with three companions He was apprehended committedtriedcondemnedto die The wild and piercing shriek from a womans voice which resounded through the court when the solemn sentence was pronounced rings in my ears at this moment That cry struck a terror to the culprits heart which trial condemnationthe approach of death itself had failed to awaken The lips which had been compressed in dogged sullenness throughout quivered and parted involuntarily the face turned ashy pale as the cold perspiration broke forth from every pore the sturdy limbs of the felon trembled and he staggered in the dock In the first transports of her mental anguish the suffering mother threw herself on her knees at my feet and fervently sought the Almighty Being who had hitherto supported her in all her troubles to release her from a world of woe and misery and to spare the life of her only child A burst of grief and a violent struggle such as I hope I may never have to witness again succeeded I knew that her heart was breaking from that hour but I never once heard complaint or murmur escape her lips It was a piteous spectacle to see that woman in the prisonyard from day to day eagerly and fervently attempting by affection and entreaty to soften the hard heart of her obdurate son It was in vain He remained moody obstinate and unmoved Not even the unlookedfor commutation of his sentence to transportation for fourteen years softened for an instant the sullen hardihood of his demeanour But the spirit of resignation and endurance that had so long upheld her was unable to contend against bodily weakness and infirmity She fell sick She dragged her tottering limbs from the bed to visit her son once more but her strength failed her and she sank powerless on the ground And now the boasted coldness and indifference of the young man were tested indeed and the retribution that fell heavily upon him nearly drove him mad A day passed away and his mother was not there another flew by and she came not near him a third evening arrived and yet he had not seen her and in fourandtwenty hours he was to be separated from her perhaps for ever Oh how the longforgotten thoughts of former days rushed upon his mind as he almost ran up and down the narrow yardas if intelligence would arrive the sooner for his hurryingand how bitterly a sense of his helplessness and desolation rushed upon him when he heard the truth His mother the only parent he had ever known lay illit might be dyingwithin one mile of the ground he stood on were he free and unfettered a few minutes would place him by her side He rushed to the gate and grasping the iron rails with the energy of desperation shook it till it rang again and threw himself against the thick wall as if to force a passage through the stone but the strong building mocked his feeble efforts and he beat his hands together and wept like a child I bore the mothers forgiveness and blessing to her son in prison and I carried the solemn assurance of repentance and his fervent supplication for pardon to her sickbed I heard with pity and compassion the repentant man devise a thousand little plans for her comfort and support when he returned but I knew that many months before he could reach his place of destination his mother would be no longer of this world He was removed by night A few weeks afterwards the poor womans soul took its flight I confidently hope and solemnly believe to a place of eternal happiness and rest I performed the burial service over her remains She lies in our little churchyard There is no stone at her graves head Her sorrows were known to man her virtues to God It had been arranged previously to the convicts departure that he should write to his mother as soon as he could obtain permission and that the letter should be addressed to me The father had positively refused to see his son from the moment of his apprehension and it was a matter of indifference to him whether he lived or died Many years passed over without any intelligence of him and when more than half his term of transportation had expired and I had received no letter I concluded him to be dead as indeed I almost hoped he might be Edmunds however had been sent a considerable distance up the country on his arrival at the settlement and to this circumstance perhaps may be attributed the fact that though several letters were despatched none of them ever reached my hands He remained in the same place during the whole fourteen years At the expiration of the term steadily adhering to his old resolution and the pledge he gave his mother he made his way back to England amidst innumerable difficulties and returned on foot to his native place On a fine Sunday evening in the month of August John Edmunds set foot in the village he had left with shame and disgrace seventeen years before His nearest way lay through the churchyard The mans heart swelled as he crossed the stile The tall old elms through whose branches the declining sun cast here and there a rich ray of light upon the shady part awakened the associations of his earliest days He pictured himself as he was then clinging to his mothers hand and walking peacefully to church He remembered how he used to look up into her pale face and how her eyes would sometimes fill with tears as she gazed upon his featurestears which fell hot upon his forehead as she stooped to kiss him and made him weep too although he little knew then what bitter tears hers were He thought how often he had run merrily down that path with some childish playfellow looking back ever and again to catch his mothers smile or hear her gentle voice and then a veil seemed lifted from his memory and words of kindness unrequited and warnings despised and promises broken thronged upon his recollection till his heart failed him and he could bear it no longer He entered the church The evening service was concluded and the congregation had dispersed but it was not yet closed His steps echoed through the low building with a hollow sound and he almost feared to be alone it was so still and quiet He looked round him Nothing was changed The place seemed smaller than it used to be but there were the old monuments on which he had gazed with childish awe a thousand times the little pulpit with its faded cushion the Communion table before which he had so often repeated the Commandments he had reverenced as a child and forgotten as a man He approached the old seat it looked cold and desolate The cushion had been removed and the Bible was not there Perhaps his mother now occupied a poorer seat or possibly she had grown infirm and could not reach the church alone He dared not think of what he feared A cold feeling crept over him and he trembled violently as he turned away An old man entered the porch just as he reached it Edmunds started back for he knew him well many a time he had watched him digging graves in the churchyard What would he say to the returned convict The old man raised his eyes to the strangers face bade him good evening and walked slowly on He had forgotten him He walked down the hill and through the village The weather was warm and the people were sitting at their doors or strolling in their little gardens as he passed enjoying the serenity of the evening and their rest from labour Many a look was turned towards him and many a doubtful glance he cast on either side to see whether any knew and shunned him There were strange faces in almost every house in some he recognised the burly form of some old schoolfellowa boy when he last saw himsurrounded by a troop of merry children in others he saw seated in an easychair at a cottage door a feeble and infirm old man whom he only remembered as a hale and hearty labourer but they had all forgotten him and he passed on unknown The last soft light of the setting sun had fallen on the earth casting a rich glow on the yellow corn sheaves and lengthening the shadows of the orchard trees as he stood before the old housethe home of his infancyto which his heart had yearned with an intensity of affection not to be described through long and weary years of captivity and sorrow The paling was low though he well remembered the time that it had seemed a high wall to him and he looked over into the old garden There were more seeds and gayer flowers than there used to be but there were the old trees stillthe very tree under which he had lain a thousand times when tired of playing in the sun and felt the soft mild sleep of happy boyhood steal gently upon him There were voices within the house He listened but they fell strangely upon his ear he knew them not They were merry too and he well knew that his poor old mother could not be cheerful and he away The door opened and a group of little children bounded out shouting and romping The father with a little boy in his arms appeared at the door and they crowded round him clapping their tiny hands and dragging him out to join their joyous sports The convict thought on the many times he had shrunk from his fathers sight in that very place He remembered how often he had buried his trembling head beneath the bedclothes and heard the harsh word and the hard stripe and his mothers wailing and though the man sobbed aloud with agony of mind as he left the spot his fist was clenched and his teeth were set in a fierce and deadly passion And such was the return to which he had looked through the weary perspective of many years and for which he had undergone so much suffering No face of welcome no look of forgiveness no house to receive no hand to help himand this too in the old village What was his loneliness in the wild thick woods where man was never seen to this He felt that in the distant land of his bondage and infamy he had thought of his native place as it was when he left it and not as it would be when he returned The sad reality struck coldly at his heart and his spirit sank within him He had not courage to make inquiries or to present himself to the only person who was likely to receive him with kindness and compassion He walked slowly on and shunning the roadside like a guilty man turned into a meadow he well remembered and covering his face with his hands threw himself upon the grass He had not observed that a man was lying on the bank beside him his garments rustled as he turned round to steal a look at the newcomer and Edmunds raised his head The man had moved into a sitting posture His body was much bent and his face was wrinkled and yellow His dress denoted him an inmate of the workhouse he had the appearance of being very old but it looked more the effect of dissipation or disease than the length of years He was staring hard at the stranger and though his eyes were lustreless and heavy at first they appeared to glow with an unnatural and alarmed expression after they had been fixed upon him for a short time until they seemed to be starting from their sockets Edmunds gradually raised himself to his knees and looked more and more earnestly on the old mans face They gazed upon each other in silence The old man was ghastly pale He shuddered and tottered to his feet Edmunds sprang to his He stepped back a pace or two Edmunds advanced Let me hear you speak said the convict in a thick broken voice Stand off cried the old man with a dreadful oath The convict drew closer to him Stand off shrieked the old man Furious with terror he raised his stick and struck Edmunds a heavy blow across the face Fatherdevil murmured the convict between his set teeth He rushed wildly forward and clenched the old man by the throatbut he was his father and his arm fell powerless by his side The old man uttered a loud yell which rang through the lonely fields like the howl of an evil spirit His face turned black the gore rushed from his mouth and nose and dyed the grass a deep dark red as he staggered and fell He had ruptured a bloodvessel and he was a dead man before his son could raise him In that corner of the churchyard said the old gentleman after a silence of a few moments in that corner of the churchyard of which I have before spoken there lies buried a man who was in my employment for three years after this event and who was truly contrite penitent and humbled if ever man was No one save myself knew in that mans lifetime who he was or whence he cameit was John Edmunds the returned convict CHAPTER VII HOW MR WINKLE INSTEAD OF SHOOTING AT THE PIGEON AND KILLING THE CROW SHOT AT THE CROW AND WOUNDED THE PIGEON HOW THE DINGLEY DELL CRICKET CLUB PLAYED ALLMUGGLETON AND HOW ALLMUGGLETON DINED AT THE DINGLEY DELL EXPENSE WITH OTHER INTERESTING AND INSTRUCTIVE MATTERS The fatiguing adventures of the day or the somniferous influence of the clergymans tale operated so strongly on the drowsy tendencies of Mr Pickwick that in less than five minutes after he had been shown to his comfortable bedroom he fell into a sound and dreamless sleep from which he was only awakened by the morning sun darting his bright beams reproachfully into the apartment Mr Pickwick was no sluggard and he sprang like an ardent warrior from his tentbedstead Pleasant pleasant country sighed the enthusiastic gentleman as he opened his lattice window Who could live to gaze from day to day on bricks and slates who had once felt the influence of a scene like this Who could continue to exist where there are no cows but the cows on the chimneypots nothing redolent of Pan but pantiles no crop but stone crop Who could bear to drag out a life in such a spot Who I ask could endure it and having crossexamined solitude after the most approved precedents at considerable length Mr Pickwick thrust his head out of the lattice and looked around him The rich sweet smell of the hayricks rose to his chamber window the hundred perfumes of the little flowergarden beneath scented the air around the deepgreen meadows shone in the morning dew that glistened on every leaf as it trembled in the gentle air and the birds sang as if every sparkling drop were to them a fountain of inspiration Mr Pickwick fell into an enchanting and delicious reverie Hollo was the sound that roused him He looked to the right but he saw nobody his eyes wandered to the left and pierced the prospect he stared into the sky but he wasnt wanted there and then he did what a common mind would have done at oncelooked into the garden and there saw Mr Wardle How are you said the goodhumoured individual out of breath with his own anticipations of pleasureBeautiful morning aint it Glad to see you up so early Make haste down and come out Ill wait for you here Mr Pickwick needed no second invitation Ten minutes sufficed for the completion of his toilet and at the expiration of that time he was by the old gentlemans side Hollo said Mr Pickwick in his turn seeing that his companion was armed with a gun and that another lay ready on the grass whats going forward Why your friend and I replied the host are going out rookshooting before breakfast Hes a very good shot aint he Ive heard him say hes a capital one replied Mr Pickwick but I never saw him aim at anything Well said the host I wish hed come JoeJoe The fat boy who under the exciting influence of the morning did not appear to be more than three parts and a fraction asleep emerged from the house Go up and call the gentleman and tell him hell find me and Mr Pickwick in the rookery Show the gentleman the way there dye hear The boy departed to execute his commission and the host carrying both guns like a second Robinson Crusoe led the way from the garden This is the place said the old gentleman pausing after a few minutes walking in an avenue of trees The information was unnecessary for the incessant cawing of the unconscious rooks sufficiently indicated their whereabouts The old gentleman laid one gun on the ground and loaded the other Here they are said Mr Pickwick and as he spoke the forms of Mr Tupman Mr Snodgrass and Mr Winkle appeared in the distance The fat boy not being quite certain which gentleman he was directed to call had with peculiar sagacity and to prevent the possibility of any mistake called them all Come along shouted the old gentleman addressing Mr Winkle a keen hand like you ought to have been up long ago even to such poor work as this Mr Winkle responded with a forced smile and took up the spare gun with an expression of countenance which a metaphysical rook impressed with a foreboding of his approaching death by violence may be supposed to assume It might have been keenness but it looked remarkably like misery The old gentleman nodded and two ragged boys who had been marshalled to the spot under the direction of the infant Lambert forthwith commenced climbing up two of the trees What are these lads for inquired Mr Pickwick abruptly He was rather alarmed for he was not quite certain but that the distress of the agricultural interest about which he had often heard a great deal might have compelled the small boys attached to the soil to earn a precarious and hazardous subsistence by making marks of themselves for inexperienced sportsmen Only to start the game replied Mr Wardle laughing To what inquired Mr Pickwick Why in plain English to frighten the rooks Oh is that all You are satisfied Quite Very well Shall I begin If you please said Mr Winkle glad of any respite Stand aside then Now for it The boy shouted and shook a branch with a nest on it Half a dozen young rooks in violent conversation flew out to ask what the matter was The old gentleman fired by way of reply Down fell one bird and off flew the others Take him up Joe said the old gentleman There was a smile upon the youths face as he advanced Indistinct visions of rookpie floated through his imagination He laughed as he retired with the birdit was a plump one Now Mr Winkle said the host reloading his own gun Fire away Mr Winkle advanced and levelled his gun Mr Pickwick and his friends cowered involuntarily to escape damage from the heavy fall of rooks which they felt quite certain would be occasioned by the devastating barrel of their friend There was a solemn pausea shouta flapping of wingsa faint click Hollo said the old gentleman Wont it go inquired Mr Pickwick Missed fire said Mr Winkle who was very paleprobably from disappointment Odd said the old gentleman taking the gun Never knew one of them miss fire before Why I dont see anything of the cap Bless my soul said Mr Winkle I declare I forgot the cap The slight omission was rectified Mr Pickwick crouched again Mr Winkle stepped forward with an air of determination and resolution and Mr Tupman looked out from behind a tree The boy shouted four birds flew out Mr Winkle fired There was a scream as of an individualnot a rookin corporal anguish Mr Tupman had saved the lives of innumerable unoffending birds by receiving a portion of the charge in his left arm To describe the confusion that ensued would be impossible To tell how Mr Pickwick in the first transports of emotion called Mr Winkle Wretch how Mr Tupman lay prostrate on the ground and how Mr Winkle knelt horrorstricken beside him how Mr Tupman called distractedly upon some feminine Christian name and then opened first one eye and then the other and then fell back and shut them bothall this would be as difficult to describe in detail as it would be to depict the gradual recovering of the unfortunate individual the binding up of his arm with pockethandkerchiefs and the conveying him back by slow degrees supported by the arms of his anxious friends They drew near the house The ladies were at the garden gate waiting for their arrival and their breakfast The spinster aunt appeared she smiled and beckoned them to walk quicker Twas evident she knew not of the disaster Poor thing there are times when ignorance is bliss indeed They approached nearer Why what is the matter with the little old gentleman said Isabella Wardle The spinster aunt heeded not the remark she thought it applied to Mr Pickwick In her eyes Tracy Tupman was a youth she viewed his years through a diminishing glass Dont be frightened called out the old host fearful of alarming his daughters The little party had crowded so completely round Mr Tupman that they could not yet clearly discern the nature of the accident Dont be frightened said the host Whats the matter screamed the ladies Mr Tupman has met with a little accident thats all The spinster aunt uttered a piercing scream burst into an hysteric laugh and fell backwards in the arms of her nieces Throw some cold water over her said the old gentleman No no murmured the spinster aunt I am better now Bella Emilya surgeon Is he woundedIs he deadIs heHa ha ha Here the spinster aunt burst into fit number two of hysteric laughter interspersed with screams Calm yourself said Mr Tupman affected almost to tears by this expression of sympathy with his sufferings Dear dear madam calm yourself It is his voice exclaimed the spinster aunt and strong symptoms of fit number three developed themselves forthwith Do not agitate yourself I entreat you dearest madam said Mr Tupman soothingly I am very little hurt I assure you Then you are not dead ejaculated the hysterical lady Oh say you are not dead Dont be a fool Rachael interposed Mr Wardle rather more roughly than was consistent with the poetic nature of the scene What the devils the use of his saying he isnt dead No no I am not said Mr Tupman I require no assistance but yours Let me lean on your arm He added in a whisper Oh Miss Rachael The agitated female advanced and offered her arm They turned into the breakfast parlour Mr Tracy Tupman gently pressed her hand to his lips and sank upon the sofa Are you faint inquired the anxious Rachael No said Mr Tupman It is nothing I shall be better presently He closed his eyes He sleeps murmured the spinster aunt His organs of vision had been closed nearly twenty seconds DeardearMr Tupman Mr Tupman jumped upOh say those words again he exclaimed The lady started Surely you did not hear them she said bashfully Oh yes I did replied Mr Tupman repeat them If you would have me recover repeat them Hush said the lady My brother Mr Tracy Tupman resumed his former position and Mr Wardle accompanied by a surgeon entered the room The arm was examined the wound dressed and pronounced to be a very slight one and the minds of the company having been thus satisfied they proceeded to satisfy their appetites with countenances to which an expression of cheerfulness was again restored Mr Pickwick alone was silent and reserved Doubt and distrust were exhibited in his countenance His confidence in Mr Winkle had been shakengreatly shakenby the proceedings of the morning Are you a cricketer inquired Mr Wardle of the marksman At any other time Mr Winkle would have replied in the affirmative He felt the delicacy of his situation and modestly replied No Are you sir inquired Mr Snodgrass I was once upon a time replied the host but I have given it up now I subscribe to the club here but I dont play The grand match is played today I believe said Mr Pickwick It is replied the host Of course you would like to see it I sir replied Mr Pickwick am delighted to view any sports which may be safely indulged in and in which the impotent effects of unskilful people do not endanger human life Mr Pickwick paused and looked steadily on Mr Winkle who quailed beneath his leaders searching glance The great man withdrew his eyes after a few minutes and added Shall we be justified in leaving our wounded friend to the care of the ladies You cannot leave me in better hands said Mr Tupman Quite impossible said Mr Snodgrass It was therefore settled that Mr Tupman should be left at home in charge of the females and that the remainder of the guests under the guidance of Mr Wardle should proceed to the spot where was to be held that trial of skill which had roused all Muggleton from its torpor and inoculated Dingley Dell with a fever of excitement As their walk which was not above two miles long lay through shady lanes and sequestered footpaths and as their conversation turned upon the delightful scenery by which they were on every side surrounded Mr Pickwick was almost inclined to regret the expedition they had used when he found himself in the main street of the town of Muggleton Everybody whose genius has a topographical bent knows perfectly well that Muggleton is a corporate town with a mayor burgesses and freemen and anybody who has consulted the addresses of the mayor to the freemen or the freemen to the mayor or both to the corporation or all three to Parliament will learn from thence what they ought to have known before that Muggleton is an ancient and loyal borough mingling a zealous advocacy of Christian principles with a devoted attachment to commercial rights in demonstration whereof the mayor corporation and other inhabitants have presented at divers times no fewer than one thousand four hundred and twenty petitions against the continuance of negro slavery abroad and an equal number against any interference with the factory system at home sixtyeight in favour of the sale of livings in the Church and eightysix for abolishing Sunday trading in the street Mr Pickwick stood in the principal street of this illustrious town and gazed with an air of curiosity not unmixed with interest on the objects around him There was an open square for the marketplace and in the centre of it a large inn with a signpost in front displaying an object very common in art but rarely met with in natureto wit a blue lion with three bow legs in the air balancing himself on the extreme point of the centre claw of his fourth foot There were within sight an auctioneers and fireagency office a cornfactors a linen drapers a saddlers a distillers a grocers and a shoeshopthe lastmentioned warehouse being also appropriated to the diffusion of hats bonnets wearing apparel cotton umbrellas and useful knowledge There was a red brick house with a small paved courtyard in front which anybody might have known belonged to the attorney and there was moreover another red brick house with Venetian blinds and a large brass doorplate with a very legible announcement that it belonged to the surgeon A few boys were making their way to the cricketfield and two or three shopkeepers who were standing at their doors looked as if they should like to be making their way to the same spot as indeed to all appearance they might have done without losing any great amount of custom thereby Mr Pickwick having paused to make these observations to be noted down at a more convenient period hastened to rejoin his friends who had turned out of the main street and were already within sight of the field of battle The wickets were pitched and so were a couple of marquees for the rest and refreshment of the contending parties The game had not yet commenced Two or three Dingley Dellers and AllMuggletonians were amusing themselves with a majestic air by throwing the ball carelessly from hand to hand and several other gentlemen dressed like them in straw hats flannel jackets and white trousersa costume in which they looked very much like amateur stonemasonswere sprinkled about the tents towards one of which Mr Wardle conducted the party Several dozen of Howareyous hailed the old gentlemans arrival and a general raising of the straw hats and bending forward of the flannel jackets followed his introduction of his guests as gentlemen from London who were extremely anxious to witness the proceedings of the day with which he had no doubt they would be greatly delighted You had better step into the marquee I think Sir said one very stout gentleman whose body and legs looked like half a gigantic roll of flannel elevated on a couple of inflated pillowcases Youll find it much pleasanter Sir urged another stout gentleman who strongly resembled the other half of the roll of flannel aforesaid Youre very good said Mr Pickwick This way said the first speaker they notch in hereits the best place in the whole field and the cricketer panting on before preceded them to the tent Capital gamesmart sportfine exercisevery were the words which fell upon Mr Pickwicks ear as he entered the tent and the first object that met his eyes was his greencoated friend of the Rochester coach holding forth to the no small delight and edification of a select circle of the chosen of AllMuggleton His dress was slightly improved and he wore boots but there was no mistaking him The stranger recognised his friends immediately and darting forward and seizing Mr Pickwick by the hand dragged him to a seat with his usual impetuosity talking all the while as if the whole of the arrangements were under his especial patronage and direction This waythis waycapital funlots of beerhogsheads rounds of beefbullocks mustardcartloads glorious daydown with youmake yourself at homeglad to see youvery Mr Pickwick sat down as he was bid and Mr Winkle and Mr Snodgrass also complied with the directions of their mysterious friend Mr Wardle looked on in silent wonder Mr Wardlea friend of mine said Mr Pickwick Friend of yoursMy dear sir how are youFriend of my friends give me your hand sirand the stranger grasped Mr Wardles hand with all the fervour of a close intimacy of many years and then stepped back a pace or two as if to take a full survey of his face and figure and then shook hands with him again if possible more warmly than before Well and how came you here said Mr Pickwick with a smile in which benevolence struggled with surprise Come replied the strangerstopping at CrownCrown at Muggleton met a partyflannel jacketswhite trousersanchovy sandwiches devilled kidneysplendid fellowsglorious Mr Pickwick was sufficiently versed in the strangers system of stenography to infer from this rapid and disjointed communication that he had somehow or other contracted an acquaintance with the All Muggletons which he had converted by a process peculiar to himself into that extent of goodfellowship on which a general invitation may be easily founded His curiosity was therefore satisfied and putting on his spectacles he prepared himself to watch the play which was just commencing AllMuggleton had the first innings and the interest became intense when Mr Dumkins and Mr Podder two of the most renowned members of that most distinguished club walked bat in hand to their respective wickets Mr Luffey the highest ornament of Dingley Dell was pitched to bowl against the redoubtable Dumkins and Mr Struggles was selected to do the same kind office for the hitherto unconquered Podder Several players were stationed to look out in different parts of the field and each fixed himself into the proper attitude by placing one hand on each knee and stooping very much as if he were making a back for some beginner at leapfrog All the regular players do this sort of thing indeed it is generally supposed that it is quite impossible to look out properly in any other position The umpires were stationed behind the wickets the scorers were prepared to notch the runs a breathless silence ensued Mr Luffey retired a few paces behind the wicket of the passive Podder and applied the ball to his right eye for several seconds Dumkins confidently awaited its coming with his eyes fixed on the motions of Luffey Play suddenly cried the bowler The ball flew from his hand straight and swift towards the centre stump of the wicket The wary Dumkins was on the alert it fell upon the tip of the bat and bounded far away over the heads of the scouts who had just stooped low enough to let it fly over them RunrunanotherNow then throw her upup with herstop there anothernoyesnothrow her up throw her upSuch were the shouts which followed the stroke and at the conclusion of which AllMuggleton had scored two Nor was Podder behindhand in earning laurels wherewith to garnish himself and Muggleton He blocked the doubtful balls missed the bad ones took the good ones and sent them flying to all parts of the field The scouts were hot and tired the bowlers were changed and bowled till their arms ached but Dumkins and Podder remained unconquered Did an elderly gentleman essay to stop the progress of the ball it rolled between his legs or slipped between his fingers Did a slim gentleman try to catch it it struck him on the nose and bounded pleasantly off with redoubled violence while the slim gentlemans eyes filled with water and his form writhed with anguish Was it thrown straight up to the wicket Dumkins had reached it before the ball In short when Dumkins was caught out and Podder stumped out All Muggleton had notched some fiftyfour while the score of the Dingley Dellers was as blank as their faces The advantage was too great to be recovered In vain did the eager Luffey and the enthusiastic Struggles do all that skill and experience could suggest to regain the ground Dingley Dell had lost in the contestit was of no avail and in an early period of the winning game Dingley Dell gave in and allowed the superior prowess of AllMuggleton The stranger meanwhile had been eating drinking and talking without cessation At every good stroke he expressed his satisfaction and approval of the player in a most condescending and patronising manner which could not fail to have been highly gratifying to the party concerned while at every bad attempt at a catch and every failure to stop the ball he launched his personal displeasure at the head of the devoted individual in such denunciations asAh ahstupidNow butterfingersMuffHumbugand so forthejaculations which seemed to establish him in the opinion of all around as a most excellent and undeniable judge of the whole art and mystery of the noble game of cricket Capital gamewell playedsome strokes admirable said the stranger as both sides crowded into the tent at the conclusion of the game You have played it sir inquired Mr Wardle who had been much amused by his loquacity Played it Think I havethousands of timesnot hereWest Indies exciting thinghot workvery It must be rather a warm pursuit in such a climate observed Mr Pickwick Warmred hotscorchingglowing Played a match oncesingle wicket friend the colonelSir Thomas Blazowho should get the greatest number of runsWon the tossfirst inningsseven oclock AMsix natives to look outwent in kept inheat intensenatives all faintedtaken awayfresh halfdozen orderedfainted alsoBlazo bowlingsupported by two nativescouldnt bowl me outfainted too cleared away the colonelwouldnt give infaithful attendantQuanko Sambalast man leftsun so hot bat in blisters ball scorched brown five hundred and seventy runsrather exhaustedQuanko mustered up last remaining strengthbowled me outhad a bath and went out to dinner And what became of whatshisname Sir inquired an old gentleman Blazo Nothe other gentleman Quanko Samba Yes sir Poor Quankonever recovered itbowled on on my accountbowled off on his owndied sir Here the stranger buried his countenance in a brown jug but whether to hide his emotion or imbibe its contents we cannot distinctly affirm We only know that he paused suddenly drew a long and deep breath and looked anxiously on as two of the principal members of the Dingley Dell club approached Mr Pickwick and said We are about to partake of a plain dinner at the Blue Lion Sir we hope you and your friends will join us Of course said Mr Wardle among our friends we include Mr and he looked towards the stranger Jingle said that versatile gentleman taking the hint at once JingleAlfred Jingle Esq of No Hall Nowhere I shall be very happy I am sure said Mr Pickwick So shall I said Mr Alfred Jingle drawing one arm through Mr Pickwicks and another through Mr Wardles as he whispered confidentially in the ear of the former gentleman Devilish good dinnercold but capitalpeeped into the room this morningfowls and pies and all that sort of thingpleasant fellows thesewell behaved toovery There being no further preliminaries to arrange the company straggled into the town in little knots of twos and threes and within a quarter of an hour were all seated in the great room of the Blue Lion Inn MuggletonMr Dumkins acting as chairman and Mr Luffey officiating as vice There was a vast deal of talking and rattling of knives and forks and plates a great running about of three ponderousheaded waiters and a rapid disappearance of the substantial viands on the table to each and every of which item of confusion the facetious Mr Jingle lent the aid of halfadozen ordinary men at least When everybody had eaten as much as possible the cloth was removed bottles glasses and dessert were placed on the table and the waiters withdrew to clear away or in other words to appropriate to their own private use and emolument whatever remnants of the eatables and drinkables they could contrive to lay their hands on Amidst the general hum of mirth and conversation that ensued there was a little man with a puffy SaynothingtomeorIllcontradictyou sort of countenance who remained very quiet occasionally looking round him when the conversation slackened as if he contemplated putting in something very weighty and now and then bursting into a short cough of inexpressible grandeur At length during a moment of comparative silence the little man called out in a very loud solemn voice Mr Luffey Everybody was hushed into a profound stillness as the individual addressed replied Sir I wish to address a few words to you Sir if you will entreat the gentlemen to fill their glasses Mr Jingle uttered a patronising Hear hear which was responded to by the remainder of the company and the glasses having been filled the vicepresident assumed an air of wisdom in a state of profound attention and said Mr Staple Sir said the little man rising I wish to address what I have to say to you and not to our worthy chairman because our worthy chairman is in some measureI may say in a great degreethe subject of what I have to say or I may say toto State suggested Mr Jingle Yes to state said the little man I thank my honourable friend if he will allow me to call him so four hears and one certainly from Mr Jingle for the suggestion Sir I am a Dellera Dingley Deller cheers I cannot lay claim to the honour of forming an item in the population of Muggleton nor Sir I will frankly admit do I covet that honour and I will tell you why Sir hear to Muggleton I will readily concede all these honours and distinctions to which it can fairly lay claimthey are too numerous and too well known to require aid or recapitulation from me But sir while we remember that Muggleton has given birth to a Dumkins and a Podder let us never forget that Dingley Dell can boast a Luffey and a Struggles Vociferous cheering Let me not be considered as wishing to detract from the merits of the former gentlemen Sir I envy them the luxury of their own feelings on this occasion Cheers Every gentleman who hears me is probably acquainted with the reply made by an individual whoto use an ordinary figure of speechhung out in a tub to the emperor Alexanderif I were not Diogenes said he I would be Alexander I can well imagine these gentlemen to say If I were not Dumkins I would be Luffey if I were not Podder I would be Struggles Enthusiasm But gentlemen of Muggleton is it in cricket alone that your fellowtownsmen stand pre eminent Have you never heard of Dumkins and determination Have you never been taught to associate Podder with property Great applause Have you never when struggling for your rights your liberties and your privileges been reduced if only for an instant to misgiving and despair And when you have been thus depressed has not the name of Dumkins laid afresh within your breast the fire which had just gone out and has not a word from that man lighted it again as brightly as if it had never expired Great cheering Gentlemen I beg to surround with a rich halo of enthusiastic cheering the united names of Dumkins and Podder Here the little man ceased and here the company commenced a raising of voices and thumping of tables which lasted with little intermission during the remainder of the evening Other toasts were drunk Mr Luffey and Mr Struggles Mr Pickwick and Mr Jingle were each in his turn the subject of unqualified eulogium and each in due course returned thanks for the honour Enthusiastic as we are in the noble cause to which we have devoted ourselves we should have felt a sensation of pride which we cannot express and a consciousness of having done something to merit immortality of which we are now deprived could we have laid the faintest outline on these addresses before our ardent readers Mr Snodgrass as usual took a great mass of notes which would no doubt have afforded most useful and valuable information had not the burning eloquence of the words or the feverish influence of the wine made that gentlemans hand so extremely unsteady as to render his writing nearly unintelligible and his style wholly so By dint of patient investigation we have been enabled to trace some characters bearing a faint resemblance to the names of the speakers and we can only discern an entry of a song supposed to have been sung by Mr Jingle in which the words bowl sparkling ruby bright and wine are frequently repeated at short intervals We fancy too that we can discern at the very end of the notes some indistinct reference to broiled bones and then the words cold without occur but as any hypothesis we could found upon them must necessarily rest upon mere conjecture we are not disposed to indulge in any of the speculations to which they may give rise We will therefore return to Mr Tupman merely adding that within some few minutes before twelve oclock that night the convocation of worthies of Dingley Dell and Muggleton were heard to sing with great feeling and emphasis the beautiful and pathetic national air of We wont go home till morning We wont go home till morning We wont go home till morning Till daylight doth appear CHAPTER VIII STRONGLY ILLUSTRATIVE OF THE POSITION THAT THE COURSE OF TRUE LOVE IS NOT A RAILWAY The quiet seclusion of Dingley Dell the presence of so many of the gentler sex and the solicitude and anxiety they evinced in his behalf were all favourable to the growth and development of those softer feelings which nature had implanted deep in the bosom of Mr Tracy Tupman and which now appeared destined to centre in one lovely object The young ladies were pretty their manners winning their dispositions unexceptionable but there was a dignity in the air a touchmenot ishness in the walk a majesty in the eye of the spinster aunt to which at their time of life they could lay no claim which distinguished her from any female on whom Mr Tupman had ever gazed That there was something kindred in their nature something congenial in their souls something mysteriously sympathetic in their bosoms was evident Her name was the first that rose to Mr Tupmans lips as he lay wounded on the grass and her hysteric laughter was the first sound that fell upon his ear when he was supported to the house But had her agitation arisen from an amiable and feminine sensibility which would have been equally irrepressible in any case or had it been called forth by a more ardent and passionate feeling which he of all men living could alone awaken These were the doubts which racked his brain as he lay extended on the sofa these were the doubts which he determined should be at once and for ever resolved It was evening Isabella and Emily had strolled out with Mr Trundle the deaf old lady had fallen asleep in her chair the snoring of the fat boy penetrated in a low and monotonous sound from the distant kitchen the buxom servants were lounging at the side door enjoying the pleasantness of the hour and the delights of a flirtation on first principles with certain unwieldy animals attached to the farm and there sat the interesting pair uncared for by all caring for none and dreaming only of themselves there they sat in short like a pair of carefullyfolded kid glovesbound up in each other I have forgotten my flowers said the spinster aunt Water them now said Mr Tupman in accents of persuasion You will take cold in the evening air urged the spinster aunt affectionately No no said Mr Tupman rising it will do me good Let me accompany you The lady paused to adjust the sling in which the left arm of the youth was placed and taking his right arm led him to the garden There was a bower at the farther end with honeysuckle jessamine and creeping plantsone of those sweet retreats which humane men erect for the accommodation of spiders The spinster aunt took up a large wateringpot which lay in one corner and was about to leave the arbour Mr Tupman detained her and drew her to a seat beside him Miss Wardle said he The spinster aunt trembled till some pebbles which had accidentally found their way into the large wateringpot shook like an infants rattle Miss Wardle said Mr Tupman you are an angel Mr Tupman exclaimed Rachael blushing as red as the wateringpot itself Nay said the eloquent PickwickianI know it but too well All women are angels they say murmured the lady playfully Then what can you be or to what without presumption can I compare you replied Mr Tupman Where was the woman ever seen who resembled you Where else could I hope to find so rare a combination of excellence and beauty Where else could I seek toOh Here Mr Tupman paused and pressed the hand which clasped the handle of the happy wateringpot The lady turned aside her head Men are such deceivers she softly whispered They are they are ejaculated Mr Tupman but not all men There lives at least one being who can never changeone being who would be content to devote his whole existence to your happinesswho lives but in your eyeswho breathes but in your smileswho bears the heavy burden of life itself only for you Could such an individual be found said the lady But he can be found said the ardent Mr Tupman interposing He is found He is here Miss Wardle And ere the lady was aware of his intention Mr Tupman had sunk upon his knees at her feet Mr Tupman rise said Rachael Never was the valorous reply Oh Rachael He seized her passive hand and the wateringpot fell to the ground as he pressed it to his lipsOh Rachael say you love me Mr Tupman said the spinster aunt with averted head I can hardly speak the words butbutyou are not wholly indifferent to me Mr Tupman no sooner heard this avowal than he proceeded to do what his enthusiastic emotions prompted and what for aught we know for we are but little acquainted with such matters people so circumstanced always do He jumped up and throwing his arm round the neck of the spinster aunt imprinted upon her lips numerous kisses which after a due show of struggling and resistance she received so passively that there is no telling how many more Mr Tupman might have bestowed if the lady had not given a very unaffected start and exclaimed in an affrighted tone Mr Tupman we are observedwe are discovered Mr Tupman looked round There was the fat boy perfectly motionless with his large circular eyes staring into the arbour but without the slightest expression on his face that the most expert physiognomist could have referred to astonishment curiosity or any other known passion that agitates the human breast Mr Tupman gazed on the fat boy and the fat boy stared at him and the longer Mr Tupman observed the utter vacancy of the fat boys countenance the more convinced he became that he either did not know or did not understand anything that had been going forward Under this impression he said with great firmness What do you want here Sir Suppers ready sir was the prompt reply Have you just come here sir inquired Mr Tupman with a piercing look Just replied the fat boy Mr Tupman looked at him very hard again but there was not a wink in his eye or a curve in his face Mr Tupman took the arm of the spinster aunt and walked towards the house the fat boy followed behind He knows nothing of what has happened he whispered Nothing said the spinster aunt There was a sound behind them as of an imperfectly suppressed chuckle Mr Tupman turned sharply round No it could not have been the fat boy there was not a gleam of mirth or anything but feeding in his whole visage He must have been fast asleep whispered Mr Tupman I have not the least doubt of it replied the spinster aunt They both laughed heartily Mr Tupman was wrong The fat boy for once had not been fast asleep He was awakewide awaketo what had been going forward The supper passed off without any attempt at a general conversation The old lady had gone to bed Isabella Wardle devoted herself exclusively to Mr Trundle the spinsters attentions were reserved for Mr Tupman and Emilys thoughts appeared to be engrossed by some distant object possibly they were with the absent Snodgrass Eleventwelveone oclock had struck and the gentlemen had not arrived Consternation sat on every face Could they have been waylaid and robbed Should they send men and lanterns in every direction by which they could be supposed likely to have travelled home or should theyHark there they were What could have made them so late A strange voice too To whom could it belong They rushed into the kitchen whither the truants had repaired and at once obtained rather more than a glimmering of the real state of the case Mr Pickwick with his hands in his pockets and his hat cocked completely over his left eye was leaning against the dresser shaking his head from side to side and producing a constant succession of the blandest and most benevolent smiles without being moved thereunto by any discernible cause or pretence whatsoever old Mr Wardle with a highly inflamed countenance was grasping the hand of a strange gentleman muttering protestations of eternal friendship Mr Winkle supporting himself by the eightday clock was feebly invoking destruction upon the head of any member of the family who should suggest the propriety of his retiring for the night and Mr Snodgrass had sunk into a chair with an expression of the most abject and hopeless misery that the human mind can imagine portrayed in every lineament of his expressive face Is anything the matter inquired the three ladies Nothing the matter replied Mr Pickwick Wewereall rightI say Wardle were all right aint we I should think so replied the jolly hostMy dears heres my friend Mr JingleMr Pickwicks friend Mr Jingle come ponlittle visit Is anything the matter with Mr Snodgrass Sir inquired Emily with great anxiety Nothing the matter maam replied the stranger Cricket dinner glorious partycapital songsold portclaretgoodvery goodwine maamwine It wasnt the wine murmured Mr Snodgrass in a broken voice It was the salmon Somehow or other it never is the wine in these cases Hadnt they better go to bed maam inquired Emma Two of the boys will carry the gentlemen upstairs I wont go to bed said Mr Winkle firmly No living boy shall carry me said Mr Pickwick stoutly and he went on smiling as before Hurrah gasped Mr Winkle faintly Hurrah echoed Mr Pickwick taking off his hat and dashing it on the floor and insanely casting his spectacles into the middle of the kitchen At this humorous feat he laughed outright Letshavenotherbottle cried Mr Winkle commencing in a very loud key and ending in a very faint one His head dropped upon his breast and muttering his invincible determination not to go to his bed and a sanguinary regret that he had not done for old Tupman in the morning he fell fast asleep in which condition he was borne to his apartment by two young giants under the personal superintendence of the fat boy to whose protecting care Mr Snodgrass shortly afterwards confided his own person Mr Pickwick accepted the proffered arm of Mr Tupman and quietly disappeared smiling more than ever and Mr Wardle after taking as affectionate a leave of the whole family as if he were ordered for immediate execution consigned to Mr Trundle the honour of conveying him upstairs and retired with a very futile attempt to look impressively solemn and dignified What a shocking scene said the spinster aunt Disgusting ejaculated both the young ladies Dreadfuldreadful said Jingle looking very grave he was about a bottle and a half ahead of any of his companions Horrid spectacle very What a nice man whispered the spinster aunt to Mr Tupman Goodlooking too whispered Emily Wardle Oh decidedly observed the spinster aunt Mr Tupman thought of the widow at Rochester and his mind was troubled The succeeding halfhours conversation was not of a nature to calm his perturbed spirit The new visitor was very talkative and the number of his anecdotes was only to be exceeded by the extent of his politeness Mr Tupman felt that as Jingles popularity increased he Tupman retired further into the shade His laughter was forcedhis merriment feigned and when at last he laid his aching temples between the sheets he thought with horrid delight on the satisfaction it would afford him to have Jingles head at that moment between the feather bed and the mattress The indefatigable stranger rose betimes next morning and although his companions remained in bed overpowered with the dissipation of the previous night exerted himself most successfully to promote the hilarity of the breakfasttable So successful were his efforts that even the deaf old lady insisted on having one or two of his best jokes retailed through the trumpet and even she condescended to observe to the spinster aunt that He meaning Jingle was an impudent young fellow a sentiment in which all her relations then and there present thoroughly coincided It was the old ladys habit on the fine summer mornings to repair to the arbour in which Mr Tupman had already signalised himself in form and manner following first the fat boy fetched from a peg behind the old ladys bedroom door a close black satin bonnet a warm cotton shawl and a thick stick with a capacious handle and the old lady having put on the bonnet and shawl at her leisure would lean one hand on the stick and the other on the fat boys shoulder and walk leisurely to the arbour where the fat boy would leave her to enjoy the fresh air for the space of half an hour at the expiration of which time he would return and reconduct her to the house The old lady was very precise and very particular and as this ceremony had been observed for three successive summers without the slightest deviation from the accustomed form she was not a little surprised on this particular morning to see the fat boy instead of leaving the arbour walk a few paces out of it look carefully round him in every direction and return towards her with great stealth and an air of the most profound mystery The old lady was timorousmost old ladies areand her first impression was that the bloated lad was about to do her some grievous bodily harm with the view of possessing himself of her loose coin She would have cried for assistance but age and infirmity had long ago deprived her of the power of screaming she therefore watched his motions with feelings of intense horror which were in no degree diminished by his coming close up to her and shouting in her ear in an agitated and as it seemed to her a threatening tone Missus Now it so happened that Mr Jingle was walking in the garden close to the arbour at that moment He too heard the shouts of Missus and stopped to hear more There were three reasons for his doing so In the first place he was idle and curious secondly he was by no means scrupulous thirdly and lastly he was concealed from view by some flowering shrubs So there he stood and there he listened Missus shouted the fat boy Well Joe said the trembling old lady Im sure I have been a good mistress to you Joe You have invariably been treated very kindly You have never had too much to do and you have always had enough to eat This last was an appeal to the fat boys most sensitive feelings He seemed touched as he replied emphatically I knows I has Then what can you want to do now said the old lady gaining courage I wants to make your flesh creep replied the boy This sounded like a very bloodthirsty mode of showing ones gratitude and as the old lady did not precisely understand the process by which such a result was to be attained all her former horrors returned What do you think I see in this very arbour last night inquired the boy Bless us What exclaimed the old lady alarmed at the solemn manner of the corpulent youth The strange gentlemanhim as had his arm hurtakissin and huggin Who Joe None of the servants I hope Worser than that roared the fat boy in the old ladys ear Not one of my granddaaters Worser than that Worse than that Joe said the old lady who had thought this the extreme limit of human atrocity Who was it Joe I insist upon knowing The fat boy looked cautiously round and having concluded his survey shouted in the old ladys ear Miss Rachael What said the old lady in a shrill tone Speak louder Miss Rachael roared the fat boy My daater The train of nods which the fat boy gave by way of assent communicated a blancmange like motion to his fat cheeks And she suffered him exclaimed the old lady A grin stole over the fat boys features as he said I see her akissin of him agin If Mr Jingle from his place of concealment could have beheld the expression which the old ladys face assumed at this communication the probability is that a sudden burst of laughter would have betrayed his close vicinity to the summerhouse He listened attentively Fragments of angry sentences such as Without my permissionAt her time of lifeMiserable old ooman like meMight have waited till I was dead and so forth reached his ears and then he heard the heels of the fat boys boots crunching the gravel as he retired and left the old lady alone It was a remarkable coincidence perhaps but it was nevertheless a fact that Mr Jingle within five minutes of his arrival at Manor Farm on the preceding night had inwardly resolved to lay siege to the heart of the spinster aunt without delay He had observation enough to see that his offhand manner was by no means disagreeable to the fair object of his attack and he had more than a strong suspicion that she possessed that most desirable of all requisites a small independence The imperative necessity of ousting his rival by some means or other flashed quickly upon him and he immediately resolved to adopt certain proceedings tending to that end and object without a moments delay Fielding tells us that man is fire and woman tow and the Prince of Darkness sets a light to em Mr Jingle knew that young men to spinster aunts are as lighted gas to gunpowder and he determined to essay the effect of an explosion without loss of time Full of reflections upon this important decision he crept from his place of concealment and under cover of the shrubs before mentioned approached the house Fortune seemed determined to favour his design Mr Tupman and the rest of the gentlemen left the garden by the side gate just as he obtained a view of it and the young ladies he knew had walked out alone soon after breakfast The coast was clear The breakfastparlour door was partially open He peeped in The spinster aunt was knitting He coughed she looked up and smiled Hesitation formed no part of Mr Alfred Jingles character He laid his finger on his lips mysteriously walked in and closed the door Miss Wardle said Mr Jingle with affected earnestness forgive intrusionshort acquaintanceno time for ceremonyall discovered Sir said the spinster aunt rather astonished by the unexpected apparition and somewhat doubtful of Mr Jingles sanity Hush said Mr Jingle in a stagewhisperLarge boydumpling face round eyesrascal Here he shook his head expressively and the spinster aunt trembled with agitation I presume you allude to Joseph Sir said the lady making an effort to appear composed Yes maamdamn that Joetreacherous dog Joetold the old lady old lady furiouswildravingarbourTupmankissing and huggingall that sort of thingeh maameh Mr Jingle said the spinster aunt if you come here Sir to insult me Not at allby no means replied the unabashed Mr Jingleoverheard the talecame to warn you of your dangertender my servicesprevent the hubbub Never mindthink it an insultleave the roomand he turned as if to carry the threat into execution What shall I do said the poor spinster bursting into tears My brother will be furious Of course he will said Mr Jingle pausingoutrageous Oh Mr Jingle what can I say exclaimed the spinster aunt in another flood of despair Say he dreamt it replied Mr Jingle coolly A ray of comfort darted across the mind of the spinster aunt at this suggestion Mr Jingle perceived it and followed up his advantage Pooh poohnothing more easyblackguard boylovely womanfat boy horsewhippedyou believedend of the matterall comfortable Whether the probability of escaping from the consequences of this ill timed discovery was delightful to the spinsters feelings or whether the hearing herself described as a lovely woman softened the asperity of her grief we know not She blushed slightly and cast a grateful look on Mr Jingle That insinuating gentleman sighed deeply fixed his eyes on the spinster aunts face for a couple of minutes started melodramatically and suddenly withdrew them You seem unhappy Mr Jingle said the lady in a plaintive voice May I show my gratitude for your kind interference by inquiring into the cause with a view if possible to its removal Ha exclaimed Mr Jingle with another startremoval remove my unhappiness and your love bestowed upon a man who is insensible to the blessingwho even now contemplates a design upon the affections of the niece of the creature whobut no he is my friend I will not expose his vices Miss Wardlefarewell At the conclusion of this address the most consecutive he was ever known to utter Mr Jingle applied to his eyes the remnant of a handkerchief before noticed and turned towards the door Stay Mr Jingle said the spinster aunt emphatically You have made an allusion to Mr Tupmanexplain it Never exclaimed Jingle with a professional ie theatrical air Never and by way of showing that he had no desire to be questioned further he drew a chair close to that of the spinster aunt and sat down Mr Jingle said the aunt I entreatI implore you if there is any dreadful mystery connected with Mr Tupman reveal it Can I said Mr Jingle fixing his eyes on the aunts facecan I seelovely creaturesacrificed at the shrineheartless avarice He appeared to be struggling with various conflicting emotions for a few seconds and then said in a low voice Tupman only wants your money The wretch exclaimed the spinster with energetic indignation Mr Jingles doubts were resolved She had money More than that said Jingleloves another Another ejaculated the spinster Who Short girlblack eyesniece Emily There was a pause Now if there was one individual in the whole world of whom the spinster aunt entertained a mortal and deeprooted jealousy it was this identical niece The colour rushed over her face and neck and she tossed her head in silence with an air of ineffable contempt At last biting her thin lips and bridling up she said It cant be I wont believe it Watch em said Jingle I will said the aunt Watch his looks I will His whispers I will Hell sit next her at table Let him Hell flatter her Let him Hell pay her every possible attention Let him And hell cut you Cut me screamed the spinster aunt he cut me will he and she trembled with rage and disappointment You will convince yourself said Jingle I will Youll show your spirit I will Youll not have him afterwards Never Youll take somebody else Yes You shall Mr Jingle fell on his knees remained thereupon for five minutes thereafter and rose the accepted lover of the spinster aunt conditionally upon Mr Tupmans perjury being made clear and manifest The burden of proof lay with Mr Alfred Jingle and he produced his evidence that very day at dinner The spinster aunt could hardly believe her eyes Mr Tracy Tupman was established at Emilys side ogling whispering and smiling in opposition to Mr Snodgrass Not a word not a look not a glance did he bestow upon his hearts pride of the evening before Damn that boy thought old Mr Wardle to himselfHe had heard the story from his mother Damn that boy He must have been asleep Its all imagination Traitor thought the spinster aunt Dear Mr Jingle was not deceiving me Ugh how I hate the wretch The following conversation may serve to explain to our readers this apparently unaccountable alteration of deportment on the part of Mr Tracy Tupman The time was evening the scene the garden There were two figures walking in a side path one was rather short and stout the other tall and slim They were Mr Tupman and Mr Jingle The stout figure commenced the dialogue How did I do it he inquired Splendidcapitalcouldnt act better myselfyou must repeat the part tomorrowevery evening till further notice Does Rachael still wish it Of courseshe dont like itbut must be doneavert suspicionafraid of her brothersays theres no help for itonly a few days morewhen old folks blindedcrown your happiness Any message Lovebest lovekindest regardsunalterable affection Can I say anything for you My dear fellow replied the unsuspicious Mr Tupman fervently grasping his friends handcarry my best lovesay how hard I find it to dissemblesay anything thats kind but add how sensible I am of the necessity of the suggestion she made to me through you this morning Say I applaud her wisdom and admire her discretion I will Anything more Nothing only add how ardently I long for the time when I may call her mine and all dissimulation may be unnecessary Certainly certainly Anything more Oh my friend said poor Mr Tupman again grasping the hand of his companion receive my warmest thanks for your disinterested kindness and forgive me if I have ever even in thought done you the injustice of supposing that you could stand in my way My dear friend can I ever repay you Dont talk of it replied Mr Jingle He stopped short as if suddenly recollecting something and saidBy the byecant spare ten pounds can youvery particular purposepay you in three days I dare say I can replied Mr Tupman in the fulness of his heart Three days you say Only three daysall over thenno more difficulties Mr Tupman counted the money into his companions hand and he dropped it piece by piece into his pocket as they walked towards the house Be careful said Mr Jinglenot a look Not a wink said Mr Tupman Not a syllable Not a whisper All your attentions to the niecerather rude than otherwise to the auntonly way of deceiving the old ones Ill take care said Mr Tupman aloud And Ill take care said Mr Jingle internally and they entered the house The scene of that afternoon was repeated that evening and on the three afternoons and evenings next ensuing On the fourth the host was in high spirits for he had satisfied himself that there was no ground for the charge against Mr Tupman So was Mr Tupman for Mr Jingle had told him that his affair would soon be brought to a crisis So was Mr Pickwick for he was seldom otherwise So was not Mr Snodgrass for he had grown jealous of Mr Tupman So was the old lady for she had been winning at whist So were Mr Jingle and Miss Wardle for reasons of sufficient importance in this eventful history to be narrated in another chapter CHAPTER IX A DISCOVERY AND A CHASE The supper was ready laid the chairs were drawn round the table bottles jugs and glasses were arranged upon the sideboard and everything betokened the approach of the most convivial period in the whole fourandtwenty hours Wheres Rachael said Mr Wardle Ay and Jingle added Mr Pickwick Dear me said the host I wonder I havent missed him before Why I dont think Ive heard his voice for two hours at least Emily my dear ring the bell The bell was rung and the fat boy appeared Wheres Miss Rachael He couldnt say Wheres Mr Jingle then He didnt know Everybody looked surprised It was latepast eleven oclock Mr Tupman laughed in his sleeve They were loitering somewhere talking about him Ha ha capital notion thatfunny Never mind said Wardle after a short pause Theyll turn up presently I dare say I never wait supper for anybody Excellent rule that said Mr Pickwickadmirable Pray sit down said the host Certainly said Mr Pickwick and down they sat There was a gigantic round of cold beef on the table and Mr Pickwick was supplied with a plentiful portion of it He had raised his fork to his lips and was on the very point of opening his mouth for the reception of a piece of beef when the hum of many voices suddenly arose in the kitchen He paused and laid down his fork Mr Wardle paused too and insensibly released his hold of the carvingknife which remained inserted in the beef He looked at Mr Pickwick Mr Pickwick looked at him Heavy footsteps were heard in the passage the parlour door was suddenly burst open and the man who had cleaned Mr Pickwicks boots on his first arrival rushed into the room followed by the fat boy and all the domestics What the devils the meaning of this exclaimed the host The kitchen chimney aint afire is it Emma inquired the old lady Lor grandma No screamed both the young ladies Whats the matter roared the master of the house The man gasped for breath and faintly ejaculated They ha gone masrgone right clean off Sir At this juncture Mr Tupman was observed to lay down his knife and fork and to turn very pale Whos gone said Mr Wardle fiercely Musr Jingle and Miss Rachael in a pochay from Blue Lion Muggleton I was there but I couldnt stop em so I run off to tell ee I paid his expenses said Mr Tupman jumping up frantically Hes got ten pounds of minestop himhes swindled meI wont bear it Ill have justice PickwickI wont stand it and with sundry incoherent exclamations of the like nature the unhappy gentleman spun round and round the apartment in a transport of frenzy Lord preserve us ejaculated Mr Pickwick eyeing the extraordinary gestures of his friend with terrified surprise Hes gone mad What shall we do Do said the stout old host who regarded only the last words of the sentence Put the horse in the gig Ill get a chaise at the Lion and follow em instantly Wherehe exclaimed as the man ran out to execute the commissionwheres that villain Joe Here I am but I haint a willin replied a voice It was the fat boys Let me get at him Pickwick cried Wardle as he rushed at the ill starred youth He was bribed by that scoundrel Jingle to put me on a wrong scent by telling a cockandbull story of my sister and your friend Tupman Here Mr Tupman sank into a chair Let me get at him Dont let him screamed all the women above whose exclamations the blubbering of the fat boy was distinctly audible I wont be held cried the old man Mr Winkle take your hands off Mr Pickwick let me go sir It was a beautiful sight in that moment of turmoil and confusion to behold the placid and philosophical expression of Mr Pickwicks face albeit somewhat flushed with exertion as he stood with his arms firmly clasped round the extensive waist of their corpulent host thus restraining the impetuosity of his passion while the fat boy was scratched and pulled and pushed from the room by all the females congregated therein He had no sooner released his hold than the man entered to announce that the gig was ready Dont let him go alone screamed the females Hell kill somebody Ill go with him said Mr Pickwick Youre a good fellow Pickwick said the host grasping his hand Emma give Mr Pickwick a shawl to tie round his neckmake haste Look after your grandmother girls she has fainted away Now then are you ready Mr Pickwicks mouth and chin having been hastily enveloped in a large shawl his hat having been put on his head and his greatcoat thrown over his arm he replied in the affirmative They jumped into the gig Give her her head Tom cried the host and away they went down the narrow lanes jolting in and out of the cart ruts and bumping up against the hedges on either side as if they would go to pieces every moment How much are they ahead shouted Wardle as they drove up to the door of the Blue Lion round which a little crowd had collected late as it was Not above threequarters of an hour was everybodys reply Chaiseandfour directlyout with em Put up the gig afterwards Now boys cried the landlordchaiseandfour outmake hastelook alive there Away ran the hostlers and the boys The lanterns glimmered as the men ran to and fro the horses hoofs clattered on the uneven paving of the yard the chaise rumbled as it was drawn out of the coachhouse and all was noise and bustle Now thenis that chaise coming out tonight cried Wardle Coming down the yard now Sir replied the hostler Out came the chaisein went the horseson sprang the boysin got the travellers Mindthe sevenmile stage in less than half an hour shouted Wardle Off with you The boys applied whip and spur the waiters shouted the hostlers cheered and away they went fast and furiously Pretty situation thought Mr Pickwick when he had had a moments time for reflection Pretty situation for the general chairman of the Pickwick Club Damp chaisestrange horsesfifteen miles an hourand twelve oclock at night For the first three or four miles not a word was spoken by either of the gentlemen each being too much immersed in his own reflections to address any observations to his companion When they had gone over that much ground however and the horses getting thoroughly warmed began to do their work in really good style Mr Pickwick became too much exhilarated with the rapidity of the motion to remain any longer perfectly mute Were sure to catch them I think said he Hope so replied his companion Fine night said Mr Pickwick looking up at the moon which was shining brightly So much the worse returned Wardle for theyll have had all the advantage of the moonlight to get the start of us and we shall lose it It will have gone down in another hour It will be rather unpleasant going at this rate in the dark wont it inquired Mr Pickwick I dare say it will replied his friend dryly Mr Pickwicks temporary excitement began to sober down a little as he reflected upon the inconveniences and dangers of the expedition in which he had so thoughtlessly embarked He was roused by a loud shouting of the postboy on the leader Yoyoyoyoyoe went the first boy Yoyoyoyoe went the second Yoyoyoyoe chimed in old Wardle himself most lustily with his head and half his body out of the coach window Yoyoyoyoe shouted Mr Pickwick taking up the burden of the cry though he had not the slightest notion of its meaning or object And amidst the yoyoing of the whole four the chaise stopped Whats the matter inquired Mr Pickwick Theres a gate here replied old Wardle We shall hear something of the fugitives After a lapse of five minutes consumed in incessant knocking and shouting an old man in his shirt and trousers emerged from the turnpikehouse and opened the gate How long is it since a postchaise went through here inquired Mr Wardle How long Ah Why I dont rightly know It wornt a long time ago nor it wornt a short time agojust between the two perhaps Has any chaise been by at all Oh yes theres been a chay by How long ago my friend interposed Mr Pickwick an hour Ah I dare say it might be replied the man Or two hours inquired the postboy on the wheeler Well I shouldnt wonder if it was returned the old man doubtfully Drive on boys cried the testy old gentleman dont waste any more time with that old idiot Idiot exclaimed the old man with a grin as he stood in the middle of the road with the gate halfclosed watching the chaise which rapidly diminished in the increasing distance Nonot much o that either youve lost ten minutes here and gone away as wise as you came arter all If every man on the line as has a guinea give him earns it half as well you wont catch tother chay this side Michlmas old shortand fat And with another prolonged grin the old man closed the gate re entered his house and bolted the door after him Meanwhile the chaise proceeded without any slackening of pace towards the conclusion of the stage The moon as Wardle had foretold was rapidly on the wane large tiers of dark heavy clouds which had been gradually overspreading the sky for some time past now formed one black mass overhead and large drops of rain which pattered every now and then against the windows of the chaise seemed to warn the travellers of the rapid approach of a stormy night The wind too which was directly against them swept in furious gusts down the narrow road and howled dismally through the trees which skirted the pathway Mr Pickwick drew his coat closer about him coiled himself more snugly up into the corner of the chaise and fell into a sound sleep from which he was only awakened by the stopping of the vehicle the sound of the hostlers bell and a loud cry of Horses on directly But here another delay occurred The boys were sleeping with such mysterious soundness that it took five minutes apiece to wake them The hostler had somehow or other mislaid the key of the stable and even when that was found two sleepy helpers put the wrong harness on the wrong horses and the whole process of harnessing had to be gone through afresh Had Mr Pickwick been alone these multiplied obstacles would have completely put an end to the pursuit at once but old Wardle was not to be so easily daunted and he laid about him with such hearty goodwill cuffing this man and pushing that strapping a buckle here and taking in a link there that the chaise was ready in a much shorter time than could reasonably have been expected under so many difficulties They resumed their journey and certainly the prospect before them was by no means encouraging The stage was fifteen miles long the night was dark the wind high and the rain pouring in torrents It was impossible to make any great way against such obstacles united it was hard upon one oclock already and nearly two hours were consumed in getting to the end of the stage Here however an object presented itself which rekindled their hopes and reanimated their drooping spirits When did this chaise come in cried old Wardle leaping out of his own vehicle and pointing to one covered with wet mud which was standing in the yard Not a quarter of an hour ago sir replied the hostler to whom the question was addressed Lady and gentleman inquired Wardle almost breathless with impatience Yes sir Tall gentlemandresscoatlong legsthin body Yes sir Elderly ladythin facerather skinnyeh Yes sir By heavens its the couple Pickwick exclaimed the old gentleman Would have been here before said the hostler but they broke a trace Tis them said Wardle it is by Jove Chaiseandfour instantly We shall catch them yet before they reach the next stage A guinea apiece boysbe alive therebustle abouttheres good fellows And with such admonitions as these the old gentleman ran up and down the yard and bustled to and fro in a state of excitement which communicated itself to Mr Pickwick also and under the influence of which that gentleman got himself into complicated entanglements with harness and mixed up with horses and wheels of chaises in the most surprising manner firmly believing that by so doing he was materially forwarding the preparations for their resuming their journey Jump injump in cried old Wardle climbing into the chaise pulling up the steps and slamming the door after him Come along Make haste And before Mr Pickwick knew precisely what he was about he felt himself forced in at the other door by one pull from the old gentleman and one push from the hostler and off they were again Ah we are moving now said the old gentleman exultingly They were indeed as was sufficiently testified to Mr Pickwick by his constant collision either with the hard woodwork of the chaise or the body of his companion Hold up said the stout old Mr Wardle as Mr Pickwick dived head foremost into his capacious waistcoat I never did feel such a jolting in my life said Mr Pickwick Never mind replied his companion it will soon be over Steady steady Mr Pickwick planted himself into his own corner as firmly as he could and on whirled the chaise faster than ever They had travelled in this way about three miles when Mr Wardle who had been looking out of the Window for two or three minutes suddenly drew in his face covered with splashes and exclaimed in breathless eagerness Here they are Mr Pickwick thrust his head out of his window Yes there was a chaise andfour a short distance before them dashing along at full gallop Go on go on almost shrieked the old gentleman Two guineas apiece boysdont let em gain on uskeep it upkeep it up The horses in the first chaise started on at their utmost speed and those in Mr Wardles galloped furiously behind them I see his head exclaimed the choleric old man damme I see his head So do I said Mr Pickwick thats he Mr Pickwick was not mistaken The countenance of Mr Jingle completely coated with mud thrown up by the wheels was plainly discernible at the window of his chaise and the motion of his arm which was waving violently towards the postillions denoted that he was encouraging them to increased exertion The interest was intense Fields trees and hedges seemed to rush past them with the velocity of a whirlwind so rapid was the pace at which they tore along They were close by the side of the first chaise Jingles voice could be plainly heard even above the din of the wheels urging on the boys Old Mr Wardle foamed with rage and excitement He roared out scoundrels and villains by the dozen clenched his fist and shook it expressively at the object of his indignation but Mr Jingle only answered with a contemptuous smile and replied to his menaces by a shout of triumph as his horses answering the increased application of whip and spur broke into a faster gallop and left the pursuers behind Mr Pickwick had just drawn in his head and Mr Wardle exhausted with shouting had done the same when a tremendous jolt threw them forward against the front of the vehicle There was a sudden bumpa loud crash away rolled a wheel and over went the chaise After a very few seconds of bewilderment and confusion in which nothing but the plunging of horses and breaking of glass could be made out Mr Pickwick felt himself violently pulled out from among the ruins of the chaise and as soon as he had gained his feet extricated his head from the skirts of his greatcoat which materially impeded the usefulness of his spectacles the full disaster of the case met his view Old Mr Wardle without a hat and his clothes torn in several places stood by his side and the fragments of the chaise lay scattered at their feet The postboys who had succeeded in cutting the traces were standing disfigured with mud and disordered by hard riding by the horses heads About a hundred yards in advance was the other chaise which had pulled up on hearing the crash The postillions each with a broad grin convulsing his countenance were viewing the adverse party from their saddles and Mr Jingle was contemplating the wreck from the coach window with evident satisfaction The day was just breaking and the whole scene was rendered perfectly visible by the grey light of the morning Hollo shouted the shameless Jingle anybody damagedelderly gentlemenno light weightsdangerous workvery Youre a rascal roared Wardle Ha ha replied Jingle and then he added with a knowing wink and a jerk of the thumb towards the interior of the chaiseI sayshes very welldesires her complimentsbegs you wont trouble yourselflove to Tuppywont you get up behinddrive on boys The postillions resumed their proper attitudes and away rattled the chaise Mr Jingle fluttering in derision a white handkerchief from the coach window Nothing in the whole adventure not even the upset had disturbed the calm and equable current of Mr Pickwicks temper The villainy however which could first borrow money of his faithful follower and then abbreviate his name to Tuppy was more than he could patiently bear He drew his breath hard and coloured up to the very tips of his spectacles as he said slowly and emphatically If ever I meet that man again Ill Yes yes interrupted Wardle thats all very well but while we stand talking here theyll get their licence and be married in London Mr Pickwick paused bottled up his vengeance and corked it down How far is it to the next stage inquired Mr Wardle of one of the boys Six mile aint it Tom Rayther better Rayther better nor six mile Sir Cant be helped said Wardle we must walk it Pickwick No help for it replied that truly great man So sending forward one of the boys on horseback to procure a fresh chaise and horses and leaving the other behind to take care of the broken one Mr Pickwick and Mr Wardle set manfully forward on the walk first tying their shawls round their necks and slouching down their hats to escape as much as possible from the deluge of rain which after a slight cessation had again begun to pour heavily down CHAPTER X CLEARING UP ALL DOUBTS IF ANY EXISTED OF THE DISINTERESTEDNESS OF MR A JINGLES CHARACTER There are in London several old inns once the headquarters of celebrated coaches in the days when coaches performed their journeys in a graver and more solemn manner than they do in these times but which have now degenerated into little more than the abiding and booking places of country wagons The reader would look in vain for any of these ancient hostelries among the Golden Crosses and Bull and Mouths which rear their stately fronts in the improved streets of London If he would light upon any of these old places he must direct his steps to the obscurer quarters of the town and there in some secluded nooks he will find several still standing with a kind of gloomy sturdiness amidst the modern innovations which surround them In the Borough especially there still remain some halfdozen old inns which have preserved their external features unchanged and which have escaped alike the rage for public improvement and the encroachments of private speculation Great rambling queer old places they are with galleries and passages and staircases wide enough and antiquated enough to furnish materials for a hundred ghost stories supposing we should ever be reduced to the lamentable necessity of inventing any and that the world should exist long enough to exhaust the innumerable veracious legends connected with old London Bridge and its adjacent neighbourhood on the Surrey side It was in the yard of one of these innsof no less celebrated a one than the White Hartthat a man was busily employed in brushing the dirt off a pair of boots early on the morning succeeding the events narrated in the last chapter He was habited in a coarse striped waistcoat with black calico sleeves and blue glass buttons drab breeches and leggings A bright red handkerchief was wound in a very loose and unstudied style round his neck and an old white hat was carelessly thrown on one side of his head There were two rows of boots before him one cleaned and the other dirty and at every addition he made to the clean row he paused from his work and contemplated its results with evident satisfaction The yard presented none of that bustle and activity which are the usual characteristics of a large coach inn Three or four lumbering wagons each with a pile of goods beneath its ample canopy about the height of the secondfloor window of an ordinary house were stowed away beneath a lofty roof which extended over one end of the yard and another which was probably to commence its journey that morning was drawn out into the open space A double tier of bedroom galleries with old clumsy balustrades ran round two sides of the straggling area and a double row of bells to correspond sheltered from the weather by a little sloping roof hung over the door leading to the bar and coffeeroom Two or three gigs and chaisecarts were wheeled up under different little sheds and penthouses and the occasional heavy tread of a carthorse or rattling of a chain at the farther end of the yard announced to anybody who cared about the matter that the stable lay in that direction When we add that a few boys in smockfrocks were lying asleep on heavy packages woolpacks and other articles that were scattered about on heaps of straw we have described as fully as need be the general appearance of the yard of the White Hart Inn High Street Borough on the particular morning in question A loud ringing of one of the bells was followed by the appearance of a smart chambermaid in the upper sleeping gallery who after tapping at one of the doors and receiving a request from within called over the balustrades Sam Hollo replied the man with the white hat Number twentytwo wants his boots Ask number twentytwo vether hell have em now or vait till he gets em was the reply Come dont be a fool Sam said the girl coaxingly the gentleman wants his boots directly Well you are a nice young ooman for a musical party you are said the bootcleaner Look at these here bootseleven pair o boots and one shoe as belongs to number six with the wooden leg The eleven boots is to be called at halfpast eight and the shoe at nine Whos number twentytwo thats to put all the others out No no reglar rotation as Jack Ketch said ven he tied the men up Sorry to keep you awaitin Sir but Ill attend to you directly Saying which the man in the white hat set to work upon a topboot with increased assiduity There was another loud ring and the bustling old landlady of the White Hart made her appearance in the opposite gallery Sam cried the landlady wheres that lazy idlewhy Samoh there you are why dont you answer Vouldnt be genteel to answer till youd done talking replied Sam gruffly Here clean these shoes for number seventeen directly and take em to private sittingroom number five first floor The landlady flung a pair of ladys shoes into the yard and bustled away Number five said Sam as he picked up the shoes and taking a piece of chalk from his pocket made a memorandum of their destination on the solesLadys shoes and private sittinroom I suppose she didnt come in the vagin She came in early this morning cried the girl who was still leaning over the railing of the gallery with a gentleman in a hackneycoach and its him as wants his boots and youd better do em thats all about it Vy didnt you say so before said Sam with great indignation singling out the boots in question from the heap before him For all I knowd he was one o the regular threepennies Private room and a lady too If hes anything of a genlmn hes vurth a shillin a day let alone the arrands Stimulated by this inspiring reflection Mr Samuel brushed away with such hearty goodwill that in a few minutes the boots and shoes with a polish which would have struck envy to the soul of the amiable Mr Warren for they used Day Martin at the White Hart had arrived at the door of number five Come in said a mans voice in reply to Sams rap at the door Sam made his best bow and stepped into the presence of a lady and gentleman seated at breakfast Having officiously deposited the gentlemans boots right and left at his feet and the ladys shoes right and left at hers he backed towards the door Boots said the gentleman Sir said Sam closing the door and keeping his hand on the knob of the lock Do you knowwhats anameDoctors Commons Yes Sir Where is it Pauls Churchyard Sir low archway on the carriage side booksellers at one corner hotel on the other and two porters in the middle as touts for licences Touts for licences said the gentleman Touts for licences replied Sam Two coves in vhite apronstouches their hats ven you walk inLicence Sir licence Queer sort them and their masrs too sirOld Bailey Proctorsand no mistake What do they do inquired the gentleman Do You Sir That aint the worst on it neither They puts things into old genlmns heads as they never dreamed of My father Sir wos a coachman A widower he wos and fat enough for anythinguncommon fat to be sure His missus dies and leaves him four hundred pound Down he goes to the Commons to see the lawyer and draw the bluntvery smart top boots onnosegay in his buttonholebroadbrimmed tilegreen shawlquite the genlmn Goes through the archvay thinking how he should inwest the moneyup comes the touter touches his hatLicence Sir licenceWhats that says my fatherLicence Sir says heWhat licence says my fatherMarriage licence says the touterDash my veskit says my father I never thought o that I think you wants one Sir says the touter My father pulls up and thinks a bitNo says he damme Im too old bsides Im a many sizes too large says heNot a bit on it Sir says the touter Think not says my fatherIm sure not says he we married a genlmn twice your size last MondayDid you though said my fatherTo be sure we did says the touter youre a babby to him this way sirthis wayand sure enough my father walks arter him like a tame monkey behind a horgan into a little back office vere a teller sat among dirty papers and tin boxes making believe he was busy Pray take a seat vile I makes out the affidavit Sir says the lawyerThankee Sir says my father and down he sat and stared with all his eyes and his mouth vide open at the names on the boxes Whats your name Sir says the lawyerTony Weller says my fatherParish says the lawyer Belle Savage says my father for he stopped there wen he drove up and he knowd nothing about parishes he didntAnd whats the ladys name says the lawyer My father was struck all of a heap Blessed if I know says heNot know says the lawyerNo more nor you do says my father cant I put that in arterwardsImpossible says the lawyerWery well says my father after hed thought a moment put down Mrs ClarkeWhat Clarke says the lawyer dipping his pen in the inkSusan Clarke Markis o Granby Dorking says my father shell have me if I ask I dessayI never said nothing to her but shell have me I know The licence was made out and she did have him and whats more shes got him now and I never had any of the four hundred pound worse luck Beg your pardon sir said Sam when he had concluded but wen I gets on this here grievance I runs on like a new barrow with the wheel greased Having said which and having paused for an instant to see whether he was wanted for anything more Sam left the room Halfpast ninejust the timeoff at once said the gentleman whom we need hardly introduce as Mr Jingle Timefor what said the spinster aunt coquettishly Licence dearest of angelsgive notice at the churchcall you mine tomorrowsaid Mr Jingle and he squeezed the spinster aunts hand The licence said Rachael blushing The licence repeated Mr Jingle In hurry posthaste for a licence In hurry ding dong I come back How you run on said Rachael Run onnothing to the hours days weeks months years when were unitedrun ontheyll fly onboltmizzlesteamenginethousand horse powernothing to it Cantcant we be married before tomorrow morning inquired Rachael Impossiblecant benotice at the churchleave the licence today ceremony come off tomorrow I am so terrified lest my brother should discover us said Rachael Discovernonsensetoo much shaken by the breakdownbesidesextreme cautiongave up the postchaisewalked ontook a hackneycoachcame to the Boroughlast place in the world that hed look inha ha capital notion thatvery Dont be long said the spinster affectionately as Mr Jingle stuck the pinchedup hat on his head Long away from youCruel charmer and Mr Jingle skipped playfully up to the spinster aunt imprinted a chaste kiss upon her lips and danced out of the room Dear man said the spinster as the door closed after him Rum old girl said Mr Jingle as he walked down the passage It is painful to reflect upon the perfidy of our species and we will not therefore pursue the thread of Mr Jingles meditations as he wended his way to Doctors Commons It will be sufficient for our purpose to relate that escaping the snares of the dragons in white aprons who guard the entrance to that enchanted region he reached the vicargenerals office in safety and having procured a highly flattering address on parchment from the Archbishop of Canterbury to his trusty and wellbeloved Alfred Jingle and Rachael Wardle greeting he carefully deposited the mystic document in his pocket and retraced his steps in triumph to the Borough He was yet on his way to the White Hart when two plump gentleman and one thin one entered the yard and looked round in search of some authorised person of whom they could make a few inquiries Mr Samuel Weller happened to be at that moment engaged in burnishing a pair of painted tops the personal property of a farmer who was refreshing himself with a slight lunch of two or three pounds of cold beef and a pot or two of porter after the fatigues of the Borough market and to him the thin gentleman straightway advanced My friend said the thin gentleman Youre one o the adwice gratis order thought Sam or you wouldnt be so wery fond o me all at once But he only saidWell Sir My friend said the thin gentleman with a conciliatory hemhave you got many people stopping here now Pretty busy Eh Sam stole a look at the inquirer He was a little highdried man with a dark squeezedup face and small restless black eyes that kept winking and twinkling on each side of his little inquisitive nose as if they were playing a perpetual game of peepbo with that feature He was dressed all in black with boots as shiny as his eyes a low white neckcloth and a clean shirt with a frill to it A gold watchchain and seals depended from his fob He carried his black kid gloves in his hands and not ON them and as he spoke thrust his wrists beneath his coat tails with the air of a man who was in the habit of propounding some regular posers Pretty busy eh said the little man Oh wery well Sir replied Sam we shant be bankrupts and we shant make our fortns We eats our biled mutton without capers and dont care for horseradish ven ve can get beef Ah said the little man youre a wag aint you My eldest brother was troubled with that complaint said Sam it may be catchingI used to sleep with him This is a curious old house of yours said the little man looking round him If youd sent word you was acoming wed ha had it repaired replied the imperturbable Sam The little man seemed rather baffled by these several repulses and a short consultation took place between him and the two plump gentlemen At its conclusion the little man took a pinch of snuff from an oblong silver box and was apparently on the point of renewing the conversation when one of the plump gentlemen who in addition to a benevolent countenance possessed a pair of spectacles and a pair of black gaiters interfered The fact of the matter is said the benevolent gentleman that my friend here pointing to the other plump gentleman will give you half a guinea if youll answer one or two Now my dear sirmy dear Sir said the little man pray allow me my dear Sir the very first principle to be observed in these cases is this if you place the matter in the hands of a professional man you must in no way interfere in the progress of the business you must repose implicit confidence in him Really Mr He turned to the other plump gentleman and said I forget your friends name Pickwick said Mr Wardle for it was no other than that jolly personage Ah Pickwickreally Mr Pickwick my dear Sir excuse meI shall be happy to receive any private suggestions of yours as AMICUS CURIAE but you must see the impropriety of your interfering with my conduct in this case with such an AD CAPTANDUM argument as the offer of half a guinea Really my dear Sir really and the little man took an argumentative pinch of snuff and looked very profound My only wish Sir said Mr Pickwick was to bring this very unpleasant matter to as speedy a close as possible Quite rightquite right said the little man With which view continued Mr Pickwick I made use of the argument which my experience of men has taught me is the most likely to succeed in any case Ay ay said the little man very good very good indeed but you should have suggested it to me My dear sir Im quite certain you cannot be ignorant of the extent of confidence which must be placed in professional men If any authority can be necessary on such a point my dear sir let me refer you to the wellknown case in Barnwell and Never mind George Barnwell interrupted Sam who had remained a wondering listener during this short colloquy everybody knows what sort of a case his was tho its always been my opinion mind you that the young ooman deserved scragging a precious sight more than he did Howsever thats neither here nor there You want me to accept of half a guinea Wery well Im agreeable I cant say no fairer than that can I sir Mr Pickwick smiled Then the next question is what the devil do you want with me as the man said wen he see the ghost We want to know said Mr Wardle Now my dear sirmy dear sir interposed the busy little man Mr Wardle shrugged his shoulders and was silent We want to know said the little man solemnly and we ask the question of you in order that we may not awaken apprehensions inside we want to know who youve got in this house at present Who there is in the house said Sam in whose mind the inmates were always represented by that particular article of their costume which came under his immediate superintendence Theres a vooden leg in number six theres a pair of Hessians in thirteen theres two pair of halves in the commercial theres these here painted tops in the snuggery inside the bar and five more tops in the coffeeroom Nothing more said the little man Stop a bit replied Sam suddenly recollecting himself Yes theres a pair of Vellingtons a good deal worn and a pair o ladys shoes in number five What sort of shoes hastily inquired Wardle who together with Mr Pickwick had been lost in bewilderment at the singular catalogue of visitors Country make replied Sam Any makers name Brown Where of Muggleton It is them exclaimed Wardle By heavens weve found them Hush said Sam The Vellingtons has gone to Doctors Commons No said the little man Yes for a licence Were in time exclaimed Wardle Show us the room not a moment is to be lost Pray my dear sirpray said the little man caution caution He drew from his pocket a red silk purse and looked very hard at Sam as he drew out a sovereign Sam grinned expressively Show us into the room at once without announcing us said the little man and its yours Sam threw the painted tops into a corner and led the way through a dark passage and up a wide staircase He paused at the end of a second passage and held out his hand Here it is whispered the attorney as he deposited the money on the hand of their guide The man stepped forward for a few paces followed by the two friends and their legal adviser He stopped at a door Is this the room murmured the little gentleman Sam nodded assent Old Wardle opened the door and the whole three walked into the room just as Mr Jingle who had that moment returned had produced the licence to the spinster aunt The spinster uttered a loud shriek and throwing herself into a chair covered her face with her hands Mr Jingle crumpled up the licence and thrust it into his coat pocket The unwelcome visitors advanced into the middle of the room Youyou are a nice rascal arnt you exclaimed Wardle breathless with passion My dear Sir my dear sir said the little man laying his hat on the table pray considerpray Defamation of character action for damages Calm yourself my dear sir pray How dare you drag my sister from my house said the old man Ayayvery good said the little gentleman you may ask that How dare you sireh sir Who the devil are you inquired Mr Jingle in so fierce a tone that the little gentleman involuntarily fell back a step or two Who is he you scoundrel interposed Wardle Hes my lawyer Mr Perker of Grays Inn Perker Ill have this fellow prosecuted indictedIllIllIll ruin him And you continued Mr Wardle turning abruptly round to his sisteryou Rachael at a time of life when you ought to know better what do you mean by running away with a vagabond disgracing your family and making yourself miserable Get on your bonnet and come back Call a hackneycoach there directly and bring this ladys bill dye heardye hear Certnly Sir replied Sam who had answered Wardles violent ringing of the bell with a degree of celerity which must have appeared marvellous to anybody who didnt know that his eye had been applied to the outside of the keyhole during the whole interview Get on your bonnet repeated Wardle Do nothing of the kind said Jingle Leave the room Sirno business hereladys free to act as she pleasesmore than oneandtwenty More than oneandtwenty ejaculated Wardle contemptuously More than oneandforty I aint said the spinster aunt her indignation getting the better of her determination to faint You are replied Wardle youre fifty if youre an hour Here the spinster aunt uttered a loud shriek and became senseless A glass of water said the humane Mr Pickwick summoning the landlady A glass of water said the passionate Wardle Bring a bucket and throw it all over her itll do her good and she richly deserves it Ugh you brute ejaculated the kindhearted landlady Poor dear And with sundry ejaculations of Come now theres a deardrink a little of thisitll do you gooddont give way sotheres a love etc etc the landlady assisted by a chambermaid proceeded to vinegar the forehead beat the hands titillate the nose and unlace the stays of the spinster aunt and to administer such other restoratives as are usually applied by compassionate females to ladies who are endeavouring to ferment themselves into hysterics Coach is ready Sir said Sam appearing at the door Come along cried Wardle Ill carry her downstairs At this proposition the hysterics came on with redoubled violence The landlady was about to enter a very violent protest against this proceeding and had already given vent to an indignant inquiry whether Mr Wardle considered himself a lord of the creation when Mr Jingle interposed Boots said he get me an officer Stay stay said little Mr Perker Consider Sir consider Ill not consider replied Jingle Shes her own mistresssee who dares to take her awayunless she wishes it I wont be taken away murmured the spinster aunt I dont wish it Here there was a frightful relapse My dear Sir said the little man in a low tone taking Mr Wardle and Mr Pickwick apartmy dear Sir were in a very awkward situation Its a distressing casevery I never knew one more so but really my dear sir really we have no power to control this ladys actions I warned you before we came my dear sir that there was nothing to look to but a compromise There was a short pause What kind of compromise would you recommend inquired Mr Pickwick Why my dear Sir our friends in an unpleasant positionvery much so We must be content to suffer some pecuniary loss Ill suffer any rather than submit to this disgrace and let her fool as she is be made miserable for life said Wardle I rather think it can be done said the bustling little man Mr Jingle will you step with us into the next room for a moment Mr Jingle assented and the quartette walked into an empty apartment Now sir said the little man as he carefully closed the door is there no way of accommodating this matterstep this way sir for a momentinto this window Sir where we can be alonethere sir there pray sit down sir Now my dear Sir between you and I we know very well my dear Sir that you have run off with this lady for the sake of her money Dont frown Sir dont frown I say between you and I we know it We are both men of the world and WE know very well that our friends here are noteh Mr Jingles face gradually relaxed and something distantly resembling a wink quivered for an instant in his left eye Very good very good said the little man observing the impression he had made Now the fact is that beyond a few hundreds the lady has little or nothing till the death of her motherfine old lady my dear Sir Old said Mr Jingle briefly but emphatically Why yes said the attorney with a slight cough You are right my dear Sir she is rather old She comes of an old family though my dear Sir old in every sense of the word The founder of that family came into Kent when Julius Caesar invaded Britainonly one member of it since who hasnt lived to eightyfive and he was beheaded by one of the Henrys The old lady is not seventythree now my dear Sir The little man paused and took a pinch of snuff Well cried Mr Jingle Well my dear siryou dont take snuffah so much the better expensive habitwell my dear Sir youre a fine young man man of the worldable to push your fortune if you had capital eh Well said Mr Jingle again Do you comprehend me Not quite Dont you thinknow my dear Sir I put it to you dont you think that fifty pounds and liberty would be better than Miss Wardle and expectation Wont donot half enough said Mr Jingle rising Nay nay my dear Sir remonstrated the little attorney seizing him by the button Good round suma man like you could treble it in no timegreat deal to be done with fifty pounds my dear Sir More to be done with a hundred and fifty replied Mr Jingle coolly Well my dear Sir we wont waste time in splitting straws resumed the little man saysayseventy Wont do said Mr Jingle Dont go away my dear sirpray dont hurry said the little man Eighty come Ill write you a cheque at once Wont do said Mr Jingle Well my dear Sir well said the little man still detaining him just tell me what will do Expensive affair said Mr Jingle Money out of pocketposting nine pounds licence threethats twelvecompensation a hundredhundred and twelvebreach of honourand loss of the lady Yes my dear Sir yes said the little man with a knowing look never mind the last two items Thats a hundred and twelvesay a hundredcome And twenty said Mr Jingle Come come Ill write you a cheque said the little man and down he sat at the table for that purpose Ill make it payable the day after tomorrow said the little man with a look towards Mr Wardle and we can get the lady away meanwhile Mr Wardle sullenly nodded assent A hundred said the little man And twenty said Mr Jingle My dear Sir remonstrated the little man Give it him interposed Mr Wardle and let him go The cheque was written by the little gentleman and pocketed by Mr Jingle Now leave this house instantly said Wardle starting up My dear Sir urged the little man And mind said Mr Wardle that nothing should have induced me to make this compromisenot even a regard for my familyif I had not known that the moment you got any money in that pocket of yours youd go to the devil faster if possible than you would without it My dear sir urged the little man again Be quiet Perker resumed Wardle Leave the room Sir Off directly said the unabashed Jingle Bye bye Pickwick If any dispassionate spectator could have beheld the countenance of the illustrious man whose name forms the leading feature of the title of this work during the latter part of this conversation he would have been almost induced to wonder that the indignant fire which flashed from his eyes did not melt the glasses of his spectaclesso majestic was his wrath His nostrils dilated and his fists clenched involuntarily as he heard himself addressed by the villain But he restrained himself again he did not pulverise him Here continued the hardened traitor tossing the licence at Mr Pickwicks feet get the name alteredtake home the ladydo for Tuppy Mr Pickwick was a philosopher but philosophers are only men in armour after all The shaft had reached him penetrated through his philosophical harness to his very heart In the frenzy of his rage he hurled the inkstand madly forward and followed it up himself But Mr Jingle had disappeared and he found himself caught in the arms of Sam Hollo said that eccentric functionary furniters cheap where you come from Sir Selfacting ink that ere its wrote your mark upon the wall old genlmn Hold still Sir wots the use o runnin arter a man as has made his lucky and got to tother end of the Borough by this time Mr Pickwicks mind like those of all truly great men was open to conviction He was a quick and powerful reasoner and a moments reflection sufficed to remind him of the impotency of his rage It subsided as quickly as it had been roused He panted for breath and looked benignantly round upon his friends Shall we tell the lamentations that ensued when Miss Wardle found herself deserted by the faithless Jingle Shall we extract Mr Pickwicks masterly description of that heartrending scene His note book blotted with the tears of sympathising humanity lies open before us one word and it is in the printers hands But no we will be resolute We will not wring the public bosom with the delineation of such suffering Slowly and sadly did the two friends and the deserted lady return next day in the Muggleton heavy coach Dimly and darkly had the sombre shadows of a summers night fallen upon all around when they again reached Dingley Dell and stood within the entrance to Manor Farm CHAPTER XI INVOLVING ANOTHER JOURNEY AND AN ANTIQUARIAN DISCOVERY RECORDING MR PICKWICKS DETERMINATION TO BE PRESENT AT AN ELECTION AND CONTAINING A MANUSCRIPT OF THE OLD CLERGYMANS A night of quiet and repose in the profound silence of Dingley Dell and an hours breathing of its fresh and fragrant air on the ensuing morning completely recovered Mr Pickwick from the effects of his late fatigue of body and anxiety of mind That illustrious man had been separated from his friends and followers for two whole days and it was with a degree of pleasure and delight which no common imagination can adequately conceive that he stepped forward to greet Mr Winkle and Mr Snodgrass as he encountered those gentlemen on his return from his early walk The pleasure was mutual for who could ever gaze on Mr Pickwicks beaming face without experiencing the sensation But still a cloud seemed to hang over his companions which that great man could not but be sensible of and was wholly at a loss to account for There was a mysterious air about them both as unusual as it was alarming And how said Mr Pickwick when he had grasped his followers by the hand and exchanged warm salutations of welcomehow is Tupman Mr Winkle to whom the question was more peculiarly addressed made no reply He turned away his head and appeared absorbed in melancholy reflection Snodgrass said Mr Pickwick earnestly how is our friendhe is not ill No replied Mr Snodgrass and a tear trembled on his sentimental eyelid like a raindrop on a windowframeno he is not ill Mr Pickwick stopped and gazed on each of his friends in turn WinkleSnodgrass said Mr Pickwick what does this mean Where is our friend What has happened SpeakI conjure I entreatnay I command you speak There was a solemnitya dignityin Mr Pickwicks manner not to be withstood He is gone said Mr Snodgrass Gone exclaimed Mr Pickwick Gone Gone repeated Mr Snodgrass Where ejaculated Mr Pickwick We can only guess from that communication replied Mr Snodgrass taking a letter from his pocket and placing it in his friends hand Yesterday morning when a letter was received from Mr Wardle stating that you would be home with his sister at night the melancholy which had hung over our friend during the whole of the previous day was observed to increase He shortly afterwards disappeared he was missing during the whole day and in the evening this letter was brought by the hostler from the Crown at Muggleton It had been left in his charge in the morning with a strict injunction that it should not be delivered until night Mr Pickwick opened the epistle It was in his friends handwriting and these were its contents MY DEAR PICKWICKYou my dear friend are placed far beyond the reach of many mortal frailties and weaknesses which ordinary people cannot overcome You do not know what it is at one blow to be deserted by a lovely and fascinating creature and to fall a victim to the artifices of a villain who had the grin of cunning beneath the mask of friendship I hope you never may Any letter addressed to me at the Leather Bottle Cobham Kent will be forwardedsupposing I still exist I hasten from the sight of that world which has become odious to me Should I hasten from it altogether pityforgive me Life my dear Pickwick has become insupportable to me The spirit which burns within us is a porters knot on which to rest the heavy load of worldly cares and troubles and when that spirit fails us the burden is too heavy to be borne We sink beneath it You may tell RachaelAh that name TRACY TUPMAN We must leave this place directly said Mr Pickwick as he refolded the note It would not have been decent for us to remain here under any circumstances after what has happened and now we are bound to follow in search of our friend And so saying he led the way to the house His intention was rapidly communicated The entreaties to remain were pressing but Mr Pickwick was inflexible Business he said required his immediate attendance The old clergyman was present You are not really going said he taking Mr Pickwick aside Mr Pickwick reiterated his former determination Then here said the old gentleman is a little manuscript which I had hoped to have the pleasure of reading to you myself I found it on the death of a friend of minea medical man engaged in our county lunatic asylumamong a variety of papers which I had the option of destroying or preserving as I thought proper I can hardly believe that the manuscript is genuine though it certainly is not in my friends hand However whether it be the genuine production of a maniac or founded upon the ravings of some unhappy being which I think more probable read it and judge for yourself Mr Pickwick received the manuscript and parted from the benevolent old gentleman with many expressions of goodwill and esteem It was a more difficult task to take leave of the inmates of Manor Farm from whom they had received so much hospitality and kindness Mr Pickwick kissed the young ladieswe were going to say as if they were his own daughters only as he might possibly have infused a little more warmth into the salutation the comparison would not be quite appropriatehugged the old lady with filial cordiality and patted the rosy cheeks of the female servants in a most patriarchal manner as he slipped into the hands of each some more substantial expression of his approval The exchange of cordialities with their fine old host and Mr Trundle was even more hearty and prolonged and it was not until Mr Snodgrass had been several times called for and at last emerged from a dark passage followed soon after by Emily whose bright eyes looked unusually dim that the three friends were enabled to tear themselves from their friendly entertainers Many a backward look they gave at the farm as they walked slowly away and many a kiss did Mr Snodgrass waft in the air in acknowledgment of something very like a ladys handkerchief which was waved from one of the upper windows until a turn of the lane hid the old house from their sight At Muggleton they procured a conveyance to Rochester By the time they reached the lastnamed place the violence of their grief had sufficiently abated to admit of their making a very excellent early dinner and having procured the necessary information relative to the road the three friends set forward again in the afternoon to walk to Cobham A delightful walk it was for it was a pleasant afternoon in June and their way lay through a deep and shady wood cooled by the light wind which gently rustled the thick foliage and enlivened by the songs of the birds that perched upon the boughs The ivy and the moss crept in thick clusters over the old trees and the soft green turf overspread the ground like a silken mat They emerged upon an open park with an ancient hall displaying the quaint and picturesque architecture of Elizabeths time Long vistas of stately oaks and elm trees appeared on every side large herds of deer were cropping the fresh grass and occasionally a startled hare scoured along the ground with the speed of the shadows thrown by the light clouds which swept across a sunny landscape like a passing breath of summer If this said Mr Pickwick looking about himif this were the place to which all who are troubled with our friends complaint came I fancy their old attachment to this world would very soon return I think so too said Mr Winkle And really added Mr Pickwick after half an hours walking had brought them to the village really for a misanthropes choice this is one of the prettiest and most desirable places of residence I ever met with In this opinion also both Mr Winkle and Mr Snodgrass expressed their concurrence and having been directed to the Leather Bottle a clean and commodious village alehouse the three travellers entered and at once inquired for a gentleman of the name of Tupman Show the gentlemen into the parlour Tom said the landlady A stout country lad opened a door at the end of the passage and the three friends entered a long lowroofed room furnished with a large number of highbacked leathercushioned chairs of fantastic shapes and embellished with a great variety of old portraits and roughlycoloured prints of some antiquity At the upper end of the room was a table with a white cloth upon it well covered with a roast fowl bacon ale and et ceteras and at the table sat Mr Tupman looking as unlike a man who had taken his leave of the world as possible On the entrance of his friends that gentleman laid down his knife and fork and with a mournful air advanced to meet them I did not expect to see you here he said as he grasped Mr Pickwicks hand Its very kind Ah said Mr Pickwick sitting down and wiping from his forehead the perspiration which the walk had engendered Finish your dinner and walk out with me I wish to speak to you alone Mr Tupman did as he was desired and Mr Pickwick having refreshed himself with a copious draught of ale waited his friends leisure The dinner was quickly despatched and they walked out together For half an hour their forms might have been seen pacing the churchyard to and fro while Mr Pickwick was engaged in combating his companions resolution Any repetition of his arguments would be useless for what language could convey to them that energy and force which their great originators manner communicated Whether Mr Tupman was already tired of retirement or whether he was wholly unable to resist the eloquent appeal which was made to him matters not he did not resist it at last It mattered little to him he said where he dragged out the miserable remainder of his days and since his friend laid so much stress upon his humble companionship he was willing to share his adventures Mr Pickwick smiled they shook hands and walked back to rejoin their companions It was at this moment that Mr Pickwick made that immortal discovery which has been the pride and boast of his friends and the envy of every antiquarian in this or any other country They had passed the door of their inn and walked a little way down the village before they recollected the precise spot in which it stood As they turned back Mr Pickwicks eye fell upon a small broken stone partially buried in the ground in front of a cottage door He paused This is very strange said Mr Pickwick What is strange inquired Mr Tupman staring eagerly at every object near him but the right one God bless me whats the matter This last was an ejaculation of irrepressible astonishment occasioned by seeing Mr Pickwick in his enthusiasm for discovery fall on his knees before the little stone and commence wiping the dust off it with his pockethandkerchief There is an inscription here said Mr Pickwick Is it possible said Mr Tupman I can discern continued Mr Pickwick rubbing away with all his might and gazing intently through his spectaclesI can discern a cross and a 13 and then a T This is important continued Mr Pickwick starting up This is some very old inscription existing perhaps long before the ancient almshouses in this place It must not be lost He tapped at the cottage door A labouring man opened it Do you know how this stone came here my friend inquired the benevolent Mr Pickwick No I doant Sir replied the man civilly It was here long afore I was born or any on us Mr Pickwick glanced triumphantly at his companion Youyouare not particularly attached to it I dare say said Mr Pickwick trembling with anxiety You wouldnt mind selling it now Ah but whod buy it inquired the man with an expression of face which he probably meant to be very cunning Ill give you ten shillings for it at once said Mr Pickwick if you would take it up for me The astonishment of the village may be easily imagined when the little stone having been raised with one wrench of a spade Mr Pickwick by dint of great personal exertion bore it with his own hands to the inn and after having carefully washed it deposited it on the table The exultation and joy of the Pickwickians knew no bounds when their patience and assiduity their washing and scraping were crowned with success The stone was uneven and broken and the letters were straggling and irregular but the following fragment of an inscription was clearly to be deciphered cross B I L S T U M P S H I S M ARK Mr Pickwicks eyes sparkled with delight as he sat and gloated over the treasure he had discovered He had attained one of the greatest objects of his ambition In a county known to abound in the remains of the early ages in a village in which there still existed some memorials of the olden time hehe the chairman of the Pickwick Clubhad discovered a strange and curious inscription of unquestionable antiquity which had wholly escaped the observation of the many learned men who had preceded him He could hardly trust the evidence of his senses Thisthis said he determines me We return to town tomorrow Tomorrow exclaimed his admiring followers Tomorrow said Mr Pickwick This treasure must be at once deposited where it can be thoroughly investigated and properly understood I have another reason for this step In a few days an election is to take place for the borough of Eatanswill at which Mr Perker a gentleman whom I lately met is the agent of one of the candidates We will behold and minutely examine a scene so interesting to every Englishman We will was the animated cry of three voices Mr Pickwick looked round him The attachment and fervour of his followers lighted up a glow of enthusiasm within him He was their leader and he felt it Let us celebrate this happy meeting with a convivial glass said he This proposition like the other was received with unanimous applause Having himself deposited the important stone in a small deal box purchased from the landlady for the purpose he placed himself in an armchair at the head of the table and the evening was devoted to festivity and conversation It was past eleven oclocka late hour for the little village of Cobhamwhen Mr Pickwick retired to the bedroom which had been prepared for his reception He threw open the lattice window and setting his light upon the table fell into a train of meditation on the hurried events of the two preceding days The hour and the place were both favourable to contemplation Mr Pickwick was roused by the church clock striking twelve The first stroke of the hour sounded solemnly in his ear but when the bell ceased the stillness seemed insupportablehe almost felt as if he had lost a companion He was nervous and excited and hastily undressing himself and placing his light in the chimney got into bed Every one has experienced that disagreeable state of mind in which a sensation of bodily weariness in vain contends against an inability to sleep It was Mr Pickwicks condition at this moment he tossed first on one side and then on the other and perseveringly closed his eyes as if to coax himself to slumber It was of no use Whether it was the unwonted exertion he had undergone or the heat or the brandyand water or the strange bedwhatever it was his thoughts kept reverting very uncomfortably to the grim pictures downstairs and the old stories to which they had given rise in the course of the evening After half an hours tumbling about he came to the unsatisfactory conclusion that it was of no use trying to sleep so he got up and partially dressed himself Anything he thought was better than lying there fancying all kinds of horrors He looked out of the windowit was very dark He walked about the roomit was very lonely He had taken a few turns from the door to the window and from the window to the door when the clergymans manuscript for the first time entered his head It was a good thought If it failed to interest him it might send him to sleep He took it from his coat pocket and drawing a small table towards his bedside trimmed the light put on his spectacles and composed himself to read It was a strange handwriting and the paper was much soiled and blotted The title gave him a sudden start too and he could not avoid casting a wistful glance round the room Reflecting on the absurdity of giving way to such feelings however he trimmed the light again and read as follows A MADMANS MANUSCRIPT Yesa madmans How that word would have struck to my heart many years ago How it would have roused the terror that used to come upon me sometimes sending the blood hissing and tingling through my veins till the cold dew of fear stood in large drops upon my skin and my knees knocked together with fright I like it now though Its a fine name Show me the monarch whose angry frown was ever feared like the glare of a madmans eyewhose cord and axe were ever half so sure as a madmans gripe Ho ho Its a grand thing to be mad to be peeped at like a wild lion through the iron barsto gnash ones teeth and howl through the long still night to the merry ring of a heavy chain and to roll and twine among the straw transported with such brave music Hurrah for the madhouse Oh its a rare place I remember days when I was afraid of being mad when I used to start from my sleep and fall upon my knees and pray to be spared from the curse of my race when I rushed from the sight of merriment or happiness to hide myself in some lonely place and spend the weary hours in watching the progress of the fever that was to consume my brain I knew that madness was mixed up with my very blood and the marrow of my bones that one generation had passed away without the pestilence appearing among them and that I was the first in whom it would revive I knew it must be so that so it always had been and so it ever would be and when I cowered in some obscure corner of a crowded room and saw men whisper and point and turn their eyes towards me I knew they were telling each other of the doomed madman and I slunk away again to mope in solitude I did this for years long long years they were The nights here are long sometimesvery long but they are nothing to the restless nights and dreadful dreams I had at that time It makes me cold to remember them Large dusky forms with sly and jeering faces crouched in the corners of the room and bent over my bed at night tempting me to madness They told me in low whispers that the floor of the old house in which my father died was stained with his own blood shed by his own hand in raging madness I drove my fingers into my ears but they screamed into my head till the room rang with it that in one generation before him the madness slumbered but that his grandfather had lived for years with his hands fettered to the ground to prevent his tearing himself to pieces I knew they told the truthI knew it well I had found it out years before though they had tried to keep it from me Ha ha I was too cunning for them madman as they thought me At last it came upon me and I wondered how I could ever have feared it I could go into the world now and laugh and shout with the best among them I knew I was mad but they did not even suspect it How I used to hug myself with delight when I thought of the fine trick I was playing them after their old pointing and leering when I was not mad but only dreading that I might one day become so And how I used to laugh for joy when I was alone and thought how well I kept my secret and how quickly my kind friends would have fallen from me if they had known the truth I could have screamed with ecstasy when I dined alone with some fine roaring fellow to think how pale he would have turned and how fast he would have run if he had known that the dear friend who sat close to him sharpening a bright glittering knife was a madman with all the power and half the will to plunge it in his heart Oh it was a merry life Riches became mine wealth poured in upon me and I rioted in pleasures enhanced a thousandfold to me by the consciousness of my wellkept secret I inherited an estate The lawthe eagleeyed law itselfhad been deceived and had handed over disputed thousands to a madmans hands Where was the wit of the sharpsighted men of sound mind Where the dexterity of the lawyers eager to discover a flaw The madmans cunning had overreached them all I had money How I was courted I spent it profusely How I was praised How those three proud overbearing brothers humbled themselves before me The old whiteheaded father toosuch deferencesuch respectsuch devoted friendshiphe worshipped me The old man had a daughter and the young men a sister and all the five were poor I was rich and when I married the girl I saw a smile of triumph play upon the faces of her needy relatives as they thought of their wellplanned scheme and their fine prize It was for me to smile To smile To laugh outright and tear my hair and roll upon the ground with shrieks of merriment They little thought they had married her to a madman Stay If they had known it would they have saved her A sisters happiness against her husbands gold The lightest feather I blow into the air against the gay chain that ornaments my body In one thing I was deceived with all my cunning If I had not been mad for though we madmen are sharpwitted enough we get bewildered sometimesI should have known that the girl would rather have been placed stiff and cold in a dull leaden coffin than borne an envied bride to my rich glittering house I should have known that her heart was with the darkeyed boy whose name I once heard her breathe in her troubled sleep and that she had been sacrificed to me to relieve the poverty of the old whiteheaded man and the haughty brothers I dont remember forms or faces now but I know the girl was beautiful I know she was for in the bright moonlight nights when I start up from my sleep and all is quiet about me I see standing still and motionless in one corner of this cell a slight and wasted figure with long black hair which streaming down her back stirs with no earthly wind and eyes that fix their gaze on me and never wink or close Hush the blood chills at my heart as I write it downthat form is hers the face is very pale and the eyes are glassy bright but I know them well That figure never moves it never frowns and mouths as others do that fill this place sometimes but it is much more dreadful to me even than the spirits that tempted me many years agoit comes fresh from the grave and is so very deathlike For nearly a year I saw that face grow paler for nearly a year I saw the tears steal down the mournful cheeks and never knew the cause I found it out at last though They could not keep it from me long She had never liked me I had never thought she did she despised my wealth and hated the splendour in which she lived but I had not expected that She loved another This I had never thought of Strange feelings came over me and thoughts forced upon me by some secret power whirled round and round my brain I did not hate her though I hated the boy she still wept for I pitiedyes I pitiedthe wretched life to which her cold and selfish relations had doomed her I knew that she could not live long but the thought that before her death she might give birth to some illfated being destined to hand down madness to its offspring determined me I resolved to kill her For many weeks I thought of poison and then of drowning and then of fire A fine sight the grand house in flames and the madmans wife smouldering away to cinders Think of the jest of a large reward too and of some sane man swinging in the wind for a deed he never did and all through a madmans cunning I thought often of this but I gave it up at last Oh the pleasure of stropping the razor day after day feeling the sharp edge and thinking of the gash one stroke of its thin bright edge would make At last the old spirits who had been with me so often before whispered in my ear that the time was come and thrust the open razor into my hand I grasped it firmly rose softly from the bed and leaned over my sleeping wife Her face was buried in her hands I withdrew them softly and they fell listlessly on her bosom She had been weeping for the traces of the tears were still wet upon her cheek Her face was calm and placid and even as I looked upon it a tranquil smile lighted up her pale features I laid my hand softly on her shoulder She startedit was only a passing dream I leaned forward again She screamed and woke One motion of my hand and she would never again have uttered cry or sound But I was startled and drew back Her eyes were fixed on mine I knew not how it was but they cowed and frightened me and I quailed beneath them She rose from the bed still gazing fixedly and steadily on me I trembled the razor was in my hand but I could not move She made towards the door As she neared it she turned and withdrew her eyes from my face The spell was broken I bounded forward and clutched her by the arm Uttering shriek upon shriek she sank upon the ground Now I could have killed her without a struggle but the house was alarmed I heard the tread of footsteps on the stairs I replaced the razor in its usual drawer unfastened the door and called loudly for assistance They came and raised her and placed her on the bed She lay bereft of animation for hours and when life look and speech returned her senses had deserted her and she raved wildly and furiously Doctors were called ingreat men who rolled up to my door in easy carriages with fine horses and gaudy servants They were at her bedside for weeks They had a great meeting and consulted together in low and solemn voices in another room One the cleverest and most celebrated among them took me aside and bidding me prepare for the worst told meme the madmanthat my wife was mad He stood close beside me at an open window his eyes looking in my face and his hand laid upon my arm With one effort I could have hurled him into the street beneath It would have been rare sport to have done it but my secret was at stake and I let him go A few days after they told me I must place her under some restraint I must provide a keeper for her I I went into the open fields where none could hear me and laughed till the air resounded with my shouts She died next day The whiteheaded old man followed her to the grave and the proud brothers dropped a tear over the insensible corpse of her whose sufferings they had regarded in her lifetime with muscles of iron All this was food for my secret mirth and I laughed behind the white handkerchief which I held up to my face as we rode home till the tears came into my eyes But though I had carried my object and killed her I was restless and disturbed and I felt that before long my secret must be known I could not hide the wild mirth and joy which boiled within me and made me when I was alone at home jump up and beat my hands together and dance round and round and roar aloud When I went out and saw the busy crowds hurrying about the streets or to the theatre and heard the sound of music and beheld the people dancing I felt such glee that I could have rushed among them and torn them to pieces limb from limb and howled in transport But I ground my teeth and struck my feet upon the floor and drove my sharp nails into my hands I kept it down and no one knew I was a madman yet I rememberthough its one of the last things I can remember for now I mix up realities with my dreams and having so much to do and being always hurried here have no time to separate the two from some strange confusion in which they get involvedI remember how I let it out at last Ha ha I think I see their frightened looks now and feel the ease with which I flung them from me and dashed my clenched fist into their white faces and then flew like the wind and left them screaming and shouting far behind The strength of a giant comes upon me when I think of it Theresee how this iron bar bends beneath my furious wrench I could snap it like a twig only there are long galleries here with many doorsI dont think I could find my way along them and even if I could I know there are iron gates below which they keep locked and barred They know what a clever madman I have been and they are proud to have me here to show Let me see yes I had been out It was late at night when I reached home and found the proudest of the three proud brothers waiting to see meurgent business he said I recollect it well I hated that man with all a madmans hate Many and many a time had my fingers longed to tear him They told me he was there I ran swiftly upstairs He had a word to say to me I dismissed the servants It was late and we were alone togetherfor the first time I kept my eyes carefully from him at first for I knew what he little thoughtand I gloried in the knowledgethat the light of madness gleamed from them like fire We sat in silence for a few minutes He spoke at last My recent dissipation and strange remarks made so soon after his sisters death were an insult to her memory Coupling together many circumstances which had at first escaped his observation he thought I had not treated her well He wished to know whether he was right in inferring that I meant to cast a reproach upon her memory and a disrespect upon her family It was due to the uniform he wore to demand this explanation This man had a commission in the armya commission purchased with my money and his sisters misery This was the man who had been foremost in the plot to ensnare me and grasp my wealth This was the man who had been the main instrument in forcing his sister to wed me well knowing that her heart was given to that puling boy Due to his uniform The livery of his degradation I turned my eyes upon himI could not help itbut I spoke not a word I saw the sudden change that came upon him beneath my gaze He was a bold man but the colour faded from his face and he drew back his chair I dragged mine nearer to him and I laughedI was very merry thenI saw him shudder I felt the madness rising within me He was afraid of me You were very fond of your sister when she was alive I said Very He looked uneasily round him and I saw his hand grasp the back of his chair but he said nothing You villain said I I found you out I discovered your hellish plots against me I know her heart was fixed on some one else before you compelled her to marry me I know itI know it He jumped suddenly from his chair brandished it aloft and bid me stand backfor I took care to be getting closer to him all the time I spoke I screamed rather than talked for I felt tumultuous passions eddying through my veins and the old spirits whispering and taunting me to tear his heart out Damn you said I starting up and rushing upon him I killed her I am a madman Down with you Blood blood I will have it I turned aside with one blow the chair he hurled at me in his terror and closed with him and with a heavy crash we rolled upon the floor together It was a fine struggle that for he was a tall strong man fighting for his life and I a powerful madman thirsting to destroy him I knew no strength could equal mine and I was right Right again though a madman His struggles grew fainter I knelt upon his chest and clasped his brawny throat firmly with both hands His face grew purple his eyes were starting from his head and with protruded tongue he seemed to mock me I squeezed the tighter The door was suddenly burst open with a loud noise and a crowd of people rushed forward crying aloud to each other to secure the madman My secret was out and my only struggle now was for liberty and freedom I gained my feet before a hand was on me threw myself among my assailants and cleared my way with my strong arm as if I bore a hatchet in my hand and hewed them down before me I gained the door dropped over the banisters and in an instant was in the street Straight and swift I ran and no one dared to stop me I heard the noise of the feet behind and redoubled my speed It grew fainter and fainter in the distance and at length died away altogether but on I bounded through marsh and rivulet over fence and wall with a wild shout which was taken up by the strange beings that flocked around me on every side and swelled the sound till it pierced the air I was borne upon the arms of demons who swept along upon the wind and bore down bank and hedge before them and spun me round and round with a rustle and a speed that made my head swim until at last they threw me from them with a violent shock and I fell heavily upon the earth When I woke I found myself herehere in this gray cell where the sunlight seldom comes and the moon steals in in rays which only serve to show the dark shadows about me and that silent figure in its old corner When I lie awake I can sometimes hear strange shrieks and cries from distant parts of this large place What they are I know not but they neither come from that pale form nor does it regard them For from the first shades of dusk till the earliest light of morning it still stands motionless in the same place listening to the music of my iron chain and watching my gambols on my straw bed At the end of the manuscript was written in another hand this note The unhappy man whose ravings are recorded above was a melancholy instance of the baneful results of energies misdirected in early life and excesses prolonged until their consequences could never be repaired The thoughtless riot dissipation and debauchery of his younger days produced fever and delirium The first effects of the latter was the strange delusion founded upon a wellknown medical theory strongly contended for by some and as strongly contested by others that an hereditary madness existed in his family This produced a settled gloom which in time developed a morbid insanity and finally terminated in raving madness There is every reason to believe that the events he detailed though distorted in the description by his diseased imagination really happened It is only matter of wonder to those who were acquainted with the vices of his early career that his passions when no longer controlled by reason did not lead him to the commission of still more frightful deeds Mr Pickwicks candle was just expiring in the socket as he concluded the perusal of the old clergymans manuscript and when the light went suddenly out without any previous flicker by way of warning it communicated a very considerable start to his excited frame Hastily throwing off such articles of clothing as he had put on when he rose from his uneasy bed and casting a fearful glance around he once more scrambled hastily between the sheets and soon fell fast asleep The sun was shining brilliantly into his chamber when he awoke and the morning was far advanced The gloom which had oppressed him on the previous night had disappeared with the dark shadows which shrouded the landscape and his thoughts and feelings were as light and gay as the morning itself After a hearty breakfast the four gentlemen sallied forth to walk to Gravesend followed by a man bearing the stone in its deal box They reached the town about one oclock their luggage they had directed to be forwarded to the city from Rochester and being fortunate enough to secure places on the outside of a coach arrived in London in sound health and spirits on that same afternoon The next three or four days were occupied with the preparations which were necessary for their journey to the borough of Eatanswill As any references to that most important undertaking demands a separate chapter we may devote the few lines which remain at the close of this to narrate with great brevity the history of the antiquarian discovery It appears from the Transactions of the Club then that Mr Pickwick lectured upon the discovery at a General Club Meeting convened on the night succeeding their return and entered into a variety of ingenious and erudite speculations on the meaning of the inscription It also appears that a skilful artist executed a faithful delineation of the curiosity which was engraven on stone and presented to the Royal Antiquarian Society and other learned bodies that heartburnings and jealousies without number were created by rival controversies which were penned upon the subject and that Mr Pickwick himself wrote a pamphlet containing ninetysix pages of very small print and twentyseven different readings of the inscription that three old gentlemen cut off their eldest sons with a shilling apiece for presuming to doubt the antiquity of the fragment and that one enthusiastic individual cut himself off prematurely in despair at being unable to fathom its meaning that Mr Pickwick was elected an honorary member of seventeen native and foreign societies for making the discovery that none of the seventeen could make anything of it but that all the seventeen agreed it was very extraordinary Mr Blotton indeedand the name will be doomed to the undying contempt of those who cultivate the mysterious and the sublimeMr Blotton we say with the doubt and cavilling peculiar to vulgar minds presumed to state a view of the case as degrading as ridiculous Mr Blotton with a mean desire to tarnish the lustre of the immortal name of Pickwick actually undertook a journey to Cobham in person and on his return sarcastically observed in an oration at the club that he had seen the man from whom the stone was purchased that the man presumed the stone to be ancient but solemnly denied the antiquity of the inscription inasmuch as he represented it to have been rudely carved by himself in an idle mood and to display letters intended to bear neither more or less than the simple construction ofBILL STUMPS HIS MARK and that Mr Stumps being little in the habit of original composition and more accustomed to be guided by the sound of words than by the strict rules of orthography had omitted the concluding L of his Christian name The Pickwick Club as might have been expected from so enlightened an institution received this statement with the contempt it deserved expelled the presumptuous and illconditioned Blotton from the society and voted Mr Pickwick a pair of gold spectacles in token of their confidence and approbation in return for which Mr Pickwick caused a portrait of himself to be painted and hung up in the club room Mr Blotton was ejected but not conquered He also wrote a pamphlet addressed to the seventeen learned societies native and foreign containing a repetition of the statement he had already made and rather more than half intimating his opinion that the seventeen learned societies were so many humbugs Hereupon the virtuous indignation of the seventeen learned societies being roused several fresh pamphlets appeared the foreign learned societies corresponded with the native learned societies the native learned societies translated the pamphlets of the foreign learned societies into English the foreign learned societies translated the pamphlets of the native learned societies into all sorts of languages and thus commenced that celebrated scientific discussion so well known to all men as the Pickwick controversy But this base attempt to injure Mr Pickwick recoiled upon the head of its calumnious author The seventeen learned societies unanimously voted the presumptuous Blotton an ignorant meddler and forthwith set to work upon more treatises than ever And to this day the stone remains an illegible monument of Mr Pickwicks greatness and a lasting trophy to the littleness of his enemies CHAPTER XII DESCRIPTIVE OF A VERY IMPORTANT PROCEEDING ON THE PART OF MR PICKWICK NO LESS AN EPOCH IN HIS LIFE THAN IN THIS HISTORY Mr Pickwicks apartments in Goswell Street although on a limited scale were not only of a very neat and comfortable description but peculiarly adapted for the residence of a man of his genius and observation His sittingroom was the firstfloor front his bedroom the secondfloor front and thus whether he were sitting at his desk in his parlour or standing before the dressingglass in his dormitory he had an equal opportunity of contemplating human nature in all the numerous phases it exhibits in that not more populous than popular thoroughfare His landlady Mrs Bardellthe relict and sole executrix of a deceased customhouse officerwas a comely woman of bustling manners and agreeable appearance with a natural genius for cooking improved by study and long practice into an exquisite talent There were no children no servants no fowls The only other inmates of the house were a large man and a small boy the first a lodger the second a production of Mrs Bardells The large man was always home precisely at ten oclock at night at which hour he regularly condensed himself into the limits of a dwarfish French bedstead in the back parlour and the infantine sports and gymnastic exercises of Master Bardell were exclusively confined to the neighbouring pavements and gutters Cleanliness and quiet reigned throughout the house and in it Mr Pickwicks will was law To any one acquainted with these points of the domestic economy of the establishment and conversant with the admirable regulation of Mr Pickwicks mind his appearance and behaviour on the morning previous to that which had been fixed upon for the journey to Eatanswill would have been most mysterious and unaccountable He paced the room to and fro with hurried steps popped his head out of the window at intervals of about three minutes each constantly referred to his watch and exhibited many other manifestations of impatience very unusual with him It was evident that something of great importance was in contemplation but what that something was not even Mrs Bardell had been enabled to discover Mrs Bardell said Mr Pickwick at last as that amiable female approached the termination of a prolonged dusting of the apartment Sir said Mrs Bardell Your little boy is a very long time gone Why its a good long way to the Borough sir remonstrated Mrs Bardell Ah said Mr Pickwick very true so it is Mr Pickwick relapsed into silence and Mrs Bardell resumed her dusting Mrs Bardell said Mr Pickwick at the expiration of a few minutes Sir said Mrs Bardell again Do you think it a much greater expense to keep two people than to keep one La Mr Pickwick said Mrs Bardell colouring up to the very border of her cap as she fancied she observed a species of matrimonial twinkle in the eyes of her lodger La Mr Pickwick what a question Well but do you inquired Mr Pickwick That depends said Mrs Bardell approaching the duster very near to Mr Pickwicks elbow which was planted on the table That depends a good deal upon the person you know Mr Pickwick and whether its a saving and careful person sir Thats very true said Mr Pickwick but the person I have in my eye here he looked very hard at Mrs Bardell I think possesses these qualities and has moreover a considerable knowledge of the world and a great deal of sharpness Mrs Bardell which may be of material use to me La Mr Pickwick said Mrs Bardell the crimson rising to her cap border again I do said Mr Pickwick growing energetic as was his wont in speaking of a subject which interested himI do indeed and to tell you the truth Mrs Bardell I have made up my mind Dear me sir exclaimed Mrs Bardell Youll think it very strange now said the amiable Mr Pickwick with a goodhumoured glance at his companion that I never consulted you about this matter and never even mentioned it till I sent your little boy out this morningeh Mrs Bardell could only reply by a look She had long worshipped Mr Pickwick at a distance but here she was all at once raised to a pinnacle to which her wildest and most extravagant hopes had never dared to aspire Mr Pickwick was going to proposea deliberate plan too sent her little boy to the Borough to get him out of the wayhow thoughtfulhow considerate Well said Mr Pickwick what do you think Oh Mr Pickwick said Mrs Bardell trembling with agitation youre very kind sir Itll save you a good deal of trouble wont it said Mr Pickwick Oh I never thought anything of the trouble sir replied Mrs Bardell and of course I should take more trouble to please you then than ever but it is so kind of you Mr Pickwick to have so much consideration for my loneliness Ah to be sure said Mr Pickwick I never thought of that When I am in town youll always have somebody to sit with you To be sure so you will I am sure I ought to be a very happy woman said Mrs Bardell And your little boy said Mr Pickwick Bless his heart interposed Mrs Bardell with a maternal sob He too will have a companion resumed Mr Pickwick a lively one wholl teach him Ill be bound more tricks in a week than he would ever learn in a year And Mr Pickwick smiled placidly Oh you dear said Mrs Bardell Mr Pickwick started Oh you kind good playful dear said Mrs Bardell and without more ado she rose from her chair and flung her arms round Mr Pickwicks neck with a cataract of tears and a chorus of sobs Bless my soul cried the astonished Mr Pickwick Mrs Bardell my good womandear me what a situationpray considerMrs Bardell dontif anybody should come Oh let them come exclaimed Mrs Bardell frantically Ill never leave youdear kind good soul and with these words Mrs Bardell clung the tighter Mercy upon me said Mr Pickwick struggling violently I hear somebody coming up the stairs Dont dont theres a good creature dont But entreaty and remonstrance were alike unavailing for Mrs Bardell had fainted in Mr Pickwicks arms and before he could gain time to deposit her on a chair Master Bardell entered the room ushering in Mr Tupman Mr Winkle and Mr Snodgrass Mr Pickwick was struck motionless and speechless He stood with his lovely burden in his arms gazing vacantly on the countenances of his friends without the slightest attempt at recognition or explanation They in their turn stared at him and Master Bardell in his turn stared at everybody The astonishment of the Pickwickians was so absorbing and the perplexity of Mr Pickwick was so extreme that they might have remained in exactly the same relative situations until the suspended animation of the lady was restored had it not been for a most beautiful and touching expression of filial affection on the part of her youthful son Clad in a tight suit of corduroy spangled with brass buttons of a very considerable size he at first stood at the door astounded and uncertain but by degrees the impression that his mother must have suffered some personal damage pervaded his partially developed mind and considering Mr Pickwick as the aggressor he set up an appalling and semiearthly kind of howling and butting forward with his head commenced assailing that immortal gentleman about the back and legs with such blows and pinches as the strength of his arm and the violence of his excitement allowed Take this little villain away said the agonised Mr Pickwick hes mad What is the matter said the three tonguetied Pickwickians I dont know replied Mr Pickwick pettishly Take away the boy Here Mr Winkle carried the interesting boy screaming and struggling to the farther end of the apartment Now help me lead this woman downstairs Oh I am better now said Mrs Bardell faintly Let me lead you downstairs said the evergallant Mr Tupman Thank you sirthank you exclaimed Mrs Bardell hysterically And downstairs she was led accordingly accompanied by her affectionate son I cannot conceive said Mr Pickwick when his friend returnedI cannot conceive what has been the matter with that woman I had merely announced to her my intention of keeping a manservant when she fell into the extraordinary paroxysm in which you found her Very extraordinary thing Very said his three friends Placed me in such an extremely awkward situation continued Mr Pickwick Very was the reply of his followers as they coughed slightly and looked dubiously at each other This behaviour was not lost upon Mr Pickwick He remarked their incredulity They evidently suspected him There is a man in the passage now said Mr Tupman Its the man I spoke to you about said Mr Pickwick I sent for him to the Borough this morning Have the goodness to call him up Snodgrass Mr Snodgrass did as he was desired and Mr Samuel Weller forthwith presented himself Ohyou remember me I suppose said Mr Pickwick I should think so replied Sam with a patronising wink Queer start that ere but he was one too many for you warnt he Up to snuff and a pinch or two overeh Never mind that matter now said Mr Pickwick hastily I want to speak to you about something else Sit down Thankee sir said Sam And down he sat without further bidding having previously deposited his old white hat on the landing outside the door Taint a wery good un to look at said Sam but its an astonishin un to wear and afore the brim went it was a wery handsome tile Howsever its lighter without it thats one thing and every hole lets in some air thats anotherwentilation gossamer I calls it On the delivery of this sentiment Mr Weller smiled agreeably upon the assembled Pickwickians Now with regard to the matter on which I with the concurrence of these gentlemen sent for you said Mr Pickwick Thats the pint sir interposed Sam out vith it as the father said to his child when he swallowed a farden We want to know in the first place said Mr Pickwick whether you have any reason to be discontented with your present situation Afore I answers that ere question genlmn replied Mr Weller I should like to know in the first place whether youre agoin to purwide me with a better A sunbeam of placid benevolence played on Mr Pickwicks features as he said I have half made up my mind to engage you myself Have you though said Sam Mr Pickwick nodded in the affirmative Wages inquired Sam Twelve pounds a year replied Mr Pickwick Clothes Two suits Work To attend upon me and travel about with me and these gentlemen here Take the bill down said Sam emphatically Im let to a single gentleman and the terms is agreed upon You accept the situation inquired Mr Pickwick Certnly replied Sam If the clothes fits me half as well as the place theyll do You can get a character of course said Mr Pickwick Ask the landlady o the White Hart about that Sir replied Sam Can you come this evening Ill get into the clothes this minute if theyre here said Sam with great alacrity Call at eight this evening said Mr Pickwick and if the inquiries are satisfactory they shall be provided With the single exception of one amiable indiscretion in which an assistant housemaid had equally participated the history of Mr Wellers conduct was so very blameless that Mr Pickwick felt fully justified in closing the engagement that very evening With the promptness and energy which characterised not only the public proceedings but all the private actions of this extraordinary man he at once led his new attendant to one of those convenient emporiums where gentlemens new and secondhand clothes are provided and the troublesome and inconvenient formality of measurement dispensed with and before night had closed in Mr Weller was furnished with a grey coat with the P C button a black hat with a cockade to it a pink striped waistcoat light breeches and gaiters and a variety of other necessaries too numerous to recapitulate Well said that suddenlytransformed individual as he took his seat on the outside of the Eatanswill coach next morning I wonder whether Im meant to be a footman or a groom or a gamekeeper or a seedsman I looks like a sort of compo of every one on em Never mind theres a change of air plenty to see and little to do and all this suits my complaint uncommon so long life to the Pickvicks says I CHAPTER XIII SOME ACCOUNT OF EATANSWILL OF THE STATE OF PARTIES THEREIN AND OF THE ELECTION OF A MEMBER TO SERVE IN PARLIAMENT FOR THAT ANCIENT LOYAL AND PATRIOTIC BOROUGH We will frankly acknowledge that up to the period of our being first immersed in the voluminous papers of the Pickwick Club we had never heard of Eatanswill we will with equal candour admit that we have in vain searched for proof of the actual existence of such a place at the present day Knowing the deep reliance to be placed on every note and statement of Mr Pickwicks and not presuming to set up our recollection against the recorded declarations of that great man we have consulted every authority bearing upon the subject to which we could possibly refer We have traced every name in schedules A and B without meeting with that of Eatanswill we have minutely examined every corner of the pocket county maps issued for the benefit of society by our distinguished publishers and the same result has attended our investigation We are therefore led to believe that Mr Pickwick with that anxious desire to abstain from giving offence to any and with those delicate feelings for which all who knew him well know he was so eminently remarkable purposely substituted a fictitious designation for the real name of the place in which his observations were made We are confirmed in this belief by a little circumstance apparently slight and trivial in itself but when considered in this point of view not undeserving of notice In Mr Pickwicks notebook we can just trace an entry of the fact that the places of himself and followers were booked by the Norwich coach but this entry was afterwards lined through as if for the purpose of concealing even the direction in which the borough is situated We will not therefore hazard a guess upon the subject but will at once proceed with this history content with the materials which its characters have provided for us It appears then that the Eatanswill people like the people of many other small towns considered themselves of the utmost and most mighty importance and that every man in Eatanswill conscious of the weight that attached to his example felt himself bound to unite heart and soul with one of the two great parties that divided the townthe Blues and the Buffs Now the Blues lost no opportunity of opposing the Buffs and the Buffs lost no opportunity of opposing the Blues and the consequence was that whenever the Buffs and Blues met together at public meeting townhall fair or market disputes and high words arose between them With these dissensions it is almost superfluous to say that everything in Eatanswill was made a party question If the Buffs proposed to new skylight the marketplace the Blues got up public meetings and denounced the proceeding if the Blues proposed the erection of an additional pump in the High Street the Buffs rose as one man and stood aghast at the enormity There were Blue shops and Buff shops Blue inns and Buff innsthere was a Blue aisle and a Buff aisle in the very church itself Of course it was essentially and indispensably necessary that each of these powerful parties should have its chosen organ and representative and accordingly there were two newspapers in the townthe Eatanswill Gazette and the Eatanswill Independent the former advocating Blue principles and the latter conducted on grounds decidedly Buff Fine newspapers they were Such leading articles and such spirited attacks Our worthless contemporary the GazetteThat disgraceful and dastardly journal the IndependentThat false and scurrilous print the IndependentThat vile and slanderous calumniator the Gazette these and other spiritstirring denunciations were strewn plentifully over the columns of each in every number and excited feelings of the most intense delight and indignation in the bosoms of the townspeople Mr Pickwick with his usual foresight and sagacity had chosen a peculiarly desirable moment for his visit to the borough Never was such a contest known The Honourable Samuel Slumkey of Slumkey Hall was the Blue candidate and Horatio Fizkin Esq of Fizkin Lodge near Eatanswill had been prevailed upon by his friends to stand forward on the Buff interest The Gazette warned the electors of Eatanswill that the eyes not only of England but of the whole civilised world were upon them and the Independent imperatively demanded to know whether the constituency of Eatanswill were the grand fellows they had always taken them for or base and servile tools undeserving alike of the name of Englishmen and the blessings of freedom Never had such a commotion agitated the town before It was late in the evening when Mr Pickwick and his companions assisted by Sam dismounted from the roof of the Eatanswill coach Large blue silk flags were flying from the windows of the Town Arms Inn and bills were posted in every sash intimating in gigantic letters that the Honourable Samuel Slumkeys committee sat there daily A crowd of idlers were assembled in the road looking at a hoarse man in the balcony who was apparently talking himself very red in the face in Mr Slumkeys behalf but the force and point of whose arguments were somewhat impaired by the perpetual beating of four large drums which Mr Fizkins committee had stationed at the street corner There was a busy little man beside him though who took off his hat at intervals and motioned to the people to cheer which they regularly did most enthusiastically and as the redfaced gentleman went on talking till he was redder in the face than ever it seemed to answer his purpose quite as well as if anybody had heard him The Pickwickians had no sooner dismounted than they were surrounded by a branch mob of the honest and independent who forthwith set up three deafening cheers which being responded to by the main body for its not at all necessary for a crowd to know what they are cheering about swelled into a tremendous roar of triumph which stopped even the red faced man in the balcony Hurrah shouted the mob in conclusion One cheer more screamed the little fugleman in the balcony and out shouted the mob again as if lungs were castiron with steel works Slumkey for ever roared the honest and independent Slumkey for ever echoed Mr Pickwick taking off his hat No Fizkin roared the crowd Certainly not shouted Mr Pickwick Hurrah And then there was another roaring like that of a whole menagerie when the elephant has rung the bell for the cold meat Who is Slumkeywhispered Mr Tupman I dont know replied Mr Pickwick in the same tone Hush Dont ask any questions Its always best on these occasions to do what the mob do But suppose there are two mobs suggested Mr Snodgrass Shout with the largest replied Mr Pickwick Volumes could not have said more They entered the house the crowd opening right and left to let them pass and cheering vociferously The first object of consideration was to secure quarters for the night Can we have beds here inquired Mr Pickwick summoning the waiter Dont know Sir replied the man afraid were full sirIll inquire Sir Away he went for that purpose and presently returned to ask whether the gentleman were Blue As neither Mr Pickwick nor his companions took any vital interest in the cause of either candidate the question was rather a difficult one to answer In this dilemma Mr Pickwick bethought himself of his new friend Mr Perker Do you know a gentleman of the name of Perker inquired Mr Pickwick Certainly Sir Honourable Mr Samuel Slumkeys agent He is Blue I think Oh yes Sir Then we are Blue said Mr Pickwick but observing that the man looked rather doubtful at this accommodating announcement he gave him his card and desired him to present it to Mr Perker forthwith if he should happen to be in the house The waiter retired and reappearing almost immediately with a request that Mr Pickwick would follow him led the way to a large room on the first floor where seated at a long table covered with books and papers was Mr Perker Ahah my dear Sir said the little man advancing to meet him very happy to see you my dear Sir very Pray sit down So you have carried your intention into effect You have come down here to see an election eh Mr Pickwick replied in the affirmative Spirited contest my dear sir said the little man Im delighted to hear it said Mr Pickwick rubbing his hands I like to see sturdy patriotism on whatever side it is called forthand so its a spirited contest Oh yes said the little man very much so indeed We have opened all the publichouses in the place and left our adversary nothing but the beershopsmasterly stroke of policy that my dear Sir eh The little man smiled complacently and took a large pinch of snuff And what are the probabilities as to the result of the contest inquired Mr Pickwick Why doubtful my dear Sir rather doubtful as yet replied the little man Fizkins people have got threeandthirty voters in the lockup coachhouse at the White Hart In the coachhouse said Mr Pickwick considerably astonished by this second stroke of policy They keep em locked up there till they want em resumed the little man The effect of that is you see to prevent our getting at them and even if we could it would be of no use for they keep them very drunk on purpose Smart fellow Fizkins agentvery smart fellow indeed Mr Pickwick stared but said nothing We are pretty confident though said Mr Perker sinking his voice almost to a whisper We had a little teaparty here last nightfive andforty women my dear sirand gave every one of em a green parasol when she went away A parasol said Mr Pickwick Fact my dear Sir fact Fiveandforty green parasols at seven and sixpence apiece All women like fineryextraordinary the effect of those parasols Secured all their husbands and half their brothers beats stockings and flannel and all that sort of thing hollow My idea my dear Sir entirely Hail rain or sunshine you cant walk half a dozen yards up the street without encountering half a dozen green parasols Here the little man indulged in a convulsion of mirth which was only checked by the entrance of a third party This was a tall thin man with a sandycoloured head inclined to baldness and a face in which solemn importance was blended with a look of unfathomable profundity He was dressed in a long brown surtout with a black cloth waistcoat and drab trousers A double eyeglass dangled at his waistcoat and on his head he wore a very lowcrowned hat with a broad brim The newcomer was introduced to Mr Pickwick as Mr Pott the editor of the Eatanswill Gazette After a few preliminary remarks Mr Pott turned round to Mr Pickwick and said with solemnity This contest excites great interest in the metropolis sir I believe it does said Mr Pickwick To which I have reason to know said Pott looking towards Mr Perker for corroborationto which I have reason to know that my article of last Saturday in some degree contributed Not the least doubt of it said the little man The press is a mighty engine sir said Pott Mr Pickwick yielded his fullest assent to the proposition But I trust sir said Pott that I have never abused the enormous power I wield I trust sir that I have never pointed the noble instrument which is placed in my hands against the sacred bosom of private life or the tender breast of individual reputation I trust sir that I have devoted my energies toto endeavourshumble they may be humble I know they areto instil those principles ofwhichare Here the editor of the Eatanswill Gazette appearing to ramble Mr Pickwick came to his relief and said Certainly And what Sir said Pottwhat Sir let me ask you as an impartial man is the state of the public mind in London with reference to my contest with the Independent Greatly excited no doubt interposed Mr Perker with a look of slyness which was very likely accidental The contest said Pott shall be prolonged so long as I have health and strength and that portion of talent with which I am gifted From that contest Sir although it may unsettle mens minds and excite their feelings and render them incapable for the discharge of the everyday duties of ordinary life from that contest sir I will never shrink till I have set my heel upon the Eatanswill Independent I wish the people of London and the people of this country to know sir that they may rely upon methat I will not desert them that I am resolved to stand by them Sir to the last Your conduct is most noble Sir said Mr Pickwick and he grasped the hand of the magnanimous Pott You are sir I perceive a man of sense and talent said Mr Pott almost breathless with the vehemence of his patriotic declaration I am most happy sir to make the acquaintance of such a man And I said Mr Pickwick feel deeply honoured by this expression of your opinion Allow me sir to introduce you to my fellowtravellers the other corresponding members of the club I am proud to have founded I shall be delighted said Mr Pott Mr Pickwick withdrew and returning with his friends presented them in due form to the editor of the Eatanswill Gazette Now my dear Pott said little Mr Perker the question is what are we to do with our friends here We can stop in this house I suppose said Mr Pickwick Not a spare bed in the house my dear sirnot a single bed Extremely awkward said Mr Pickwick Very said his fellowvoyagers I have an idea upon this subject said Mr Pott which I think may be very successfully adopted They have two beds at the Peacock and I can boldly say on behalf of Mrs Pott that she will be delighted to accommodate Mr Pickwick and any one of his friends if the other two gentlemen and their servant do not object to shifting as they best can at the Peacock After repeated pressings on the part of Mr Pott and repeated protestations on that of Mr Pickwick that he could not think of incommoding or troubling his amiable wife it was decided that it was the only feasible arrangement that could be made So it was made and after dinner together at the Town Arms the friends separated Mr Tupman and Mr Snodgrass repairing to the Peacock and Mr Pickwick and Mr Winkle proceeding to the mansion of Mr Pott it having been previously arranged that they should all reassemble at the Town Arms in the morning and accompany the Honourable Samuel Slumkeys procession to the place of nomination Mr Potts domestic circle was limited to himself and his wife All men whom mighty genius has raised to a proud eminence in the world have usually some little weakness which appears the more conspicuous from the contrast it presents to their general character If Mr Pott had a weakness it was perhaps that he was rather too submissive to the somewhat contemptuous control and sway of his wife We do not feel justified in laying any particular stress upon the fact because on the present occasion all Mrs Potts most winning ways were brought into requisition to receive the two gentlemen My dear said Mr Pott Mr PickwickMr Pickwick of London Mrs Pott received Mr Pickwicks paternal grasp of the hand with enchanting sweetness and Mr Winkle who had not been announced at all sidled and bowed unnoticed in an obscure corner P my dearsaid Mrs Pott My life said Mr Pott Pray introduce the other gentleman I beg a thousand pardons said Mr Pott Permit me Mrs Pott Mr Winkle said Mr Pickwick Winkle echoed Mr Pott and the ceremony of introduction was complete We owe you many apologies maam said Mr Pickwick for disturbing your domestic arrangements at so short a notice I beg you wont mention it sir replied the feminine Pott with vivacity It is a high treat to me I assure you to see any new faces living as I do from day to day and week to week in this dull place and seeing nobody Nobody my dear exclaimed Mr Pott archly Nobody but you retorted Mrs Pott with asperity You see Mr Pickwick said the host in explanation of his wifes lament that we are in some measure cut off from many enjoyments and pleasures of which we might otherwise partake My public station as editor of the Eatanswill Gazette the position which that paper holds in the country my constant immersion in the vortex of politics P my dear interposed Mrs Pott My life said the editor I wish my dear you would endeavour to find some topic of conversation in which these gentlemen might take some rational interest But my love said Mr Pott with great humility Mr Pickwick does take an interest in it Its well for him if he can said Mrs Pott emphatically I am wearied out of my life with your politics and quarrels with the Independent and nonsense I am quite astonished P at your making such an exhibition of your absurdity But my dear said Mr Pott Oh nonsense dont talk to me said Mrs Pott Do you play ecarte Sir I shall be very happy to learn under your tuition replied Mr Winkle Well then draw that little table into this window and let me get out of hearing of those prosy politics Jane said Mr Pott to the servant who brought in candles go down into the office and bring me up the file of the Gazette for eighteen hundred and twentysix Ill read you added the editor turning to Mr PickwickIll just read you a few of the leaders I wrote at that time upon the Buff job of appointing a new tollman to the turnpike here I rather think theyll amuse you I should like to hear them very much indeed said Mr Pickwick Up came the file and down sat the editor with Mr Pickwick at his side We have in vain pored over the leaves of Mr Pickwicks notebook in the hope of meeting with a general summary of these beautiful compositions We have every reason to believe that he was perfectly enraptured with the vigour and freshness of the style indeed Mr Winkle has recorded the fact that his eyes were closed as if with excess of pleasure during the whole time of their perusal The announcement of supper put a stop both to the game of ecarte and the recapitulation of the beauties of the Eatanswill Gazette Mrs Pott was in the highest spirits and the most agreeable humour Mr Winkle had already made considerable progress in her good opinion and she did not hesitate to inform him confidentially that Mr Pickwick was a delightful old dear These terms convey a familiarity of expression in which few of those who were intimately acquainted with that colossalminded man would have presumed to indulge We have preserved them nevertheless as affording at once a touching and a convincing proof of the estimation in which he was held by every class of society and the case with which he made his way to their hearts and feelings It was a late hour of the nightlong after Mr Tupman and Mr Snodgrass had fallen asleep in the inmost recesses of the Peacockwhen the two friends retired to rest Slumber soon fell upon the senses of Mr Winkle but his feelings had been excited and his admiration roused and for many hours after sleep had rendered him insensible to earthly objects the face and figure of the agreeable Mrs Pott presented themselves again and again to his wandering imagination The noise and bustle which ushered in the morning were sufficient to dispel from the mind of the most romantic visionary in existence any associations but those which were immediately connected with the rapidlyapproaching election The beating of drums the blowing of horns and trumpets the shouting of men and tramping of horses echoed and reechoed through the streets from the earliest dawn of day and an occasional fight between the light skirmishers of either party at once enlivened the preparations and agreeably diversified their character Well Sam said Mr Pickwick as his valet appeared at his bedroom door just as he was concluding his toilet all alive today I suppose Reglar game sir replied Mr Weller our peoples acollecting down at the Town Arms and theyre ahollering themselves hoarse already Ah said Mr Pickwick do they seem devoted to their party Sam Never see such dewotion in my life Sir Energetic eh said Mr Pickwick Uncommon replied Sam I never see men eat and drink so much afore I wonder they aint afeerd o bustin Thats the mistaken kindness of the gentry here said Mr Pickwick Wery likely replied Sam briefly Fine fresh hearty fellows they seem said Mr Pickwick glancing from the window Wery fresh replied Sam me and the two waiters at the Peacock has been apumpin over the independent woters as supped there last night Pumping over independent voters exclaimed Mr Pickwick Yes said his attendant every man slept vere he fell down we dragged em out one by one this mornin and put em under the pump and theyre in reglar fine order now Shillin a head the committee paid for that ere job Can such things be exclaimed the astonished Mr Pickwick Lord bless your heart sir said Sam why where was you half baptisedthats nothin that aint Nothingsaid Mr Pickwick Nothin at all Sir replied his attendant The night afore the last day o the last election here the opposite party bribed the barmaid at the Town Arms to hocus the brandyandwater of fourteen unpolled electors as was astoppin in the house What do you mean by hocussing brandyandwater inquired Mr Pickwick Puttin laudnum in it replied Sam Blessed if she didnt send em all to sleep till twelve hours arter the election was over They took one man up to the booth in a truck fast asleep by way of experiment but it was no gothey wouldnt poll him so they brought him back and put him to bed again Strange practices these said Mr Pickwick half speaking to himself and half addressing Sam Not half so strange as a miraculous circumstance as happened to my own father at an election time in this wery place Sir replied Sam What was that inquired Mr Pickwick Why he drove a coach down here once said Sam lection time came on and he was engaged by vun party to bring down woters from London Night afore he was going to drive up committee on t other side sends for him quietly and away he goes vith the messenger who shows him in large roomlots of genlmnheaps of papers pens and ink and all that ere Ah Mr Weller says the genlmn in the chair glad to see you sir how are youWery well thank ee Sir says my father I hope youre pretty middlin says hePretty well thankee Sir says the genlmn sit down Mr Wellerpray sit down sir So my father sits down and he and the genlmn looks wery hard at each other You dont remember me said the genlmnCant say I do says my fatherOh I know you says the genlmn knowd you when you was a boy says heWell I dont remember you says my fatherThats wery odd says the genlmnWery says my fatherYou must have a bad memry Mr Weller says the genlmnWell it is a wery bad un says my fatherI thought so says the genlmn So then they pours him out a glass of wine and gammons him about his driving and gets him into a reglar good humour and at last shoves a twentypound note into his hand Its a wery bad road between this and London says the genlmnHere and there it is a heavy road says my father Specially near the canal I think says the genlmnNasty bit that ere says my father Well Mr Weller says the genlmn youre a wery good whip and can do what you like with your horses we know Were all wery fond o you Mr Weller so in case you should have an accident when youre bringing these here woters down and should tip em over into the canal vithout hurtin of em this is for yourself says heGenlmn youre wery kind says my father and Ill drink your health in another glass of wine says he vich he did and then buttons up the money and bows himself out You wouldnt believe sir continued Sam with a look of inexpressible impudence at his master that on the wery day as he came down with them woters his coach was upset on that ere wery spot and evry man on em was turned into the canal And got out again inquired Mr Pickwick hastily Why replied Sam very slowly I rather think one old genlmn was missin I know his hat was found but I aint quite certain whether his head was in it or not But what I look at is the hextraordinary and wonderful coincidence that arter what that genlmn said my fathers coach should be upset in that wery place and on that wery day It is no doubt a very extraordinary circumstance indeed said Mr Pickwick But brush my hat Sam for I hear Mr Winkle calling me to breakfast With these words Mr Pickwick descended to the parlour where he found breakfast laid and the family already assembled The meal was hastily despatched each of the gentlemens hats was decorated with an enormous blue favour made up by the fair hands of Mrs Pott herself and as Mr Winkle had undertaken to escort that lady to a housetop in the immediate vicinity of the hustings Mr Pickwick and Mr Pott repaired alone to the Town Arms from the back window of which one of Mr Slumkeys committee was addressing six small boys and one girl whom he dignified at every second sentence with the imposing title of Men of Eatanswill whereat the six small boys aforesaid cheered prodigiously The stableyard exhibited unequivocal symptoms of the glory and strength of the Eatanswill Blues There was a regular army of blue flags some with one handle and some with two exhibiting appropriate devices in golden characters four feet high and stout in proportion There was a grand band of trumpets bassoons and drums marshalled four abreast and earning their money if ever men did especially the drumbeaters who were very muscular There were bodies of constables with blue staves twenty committeemen with blue scarfs and a mob of voters with blue cockades There were electors on horseback and electors afoot There was an open carriageandfour for the Honourable Samuel Slumkey and there were four carriageandpair for his friends and supporters and the flags were rustling and the band was playing and the constables were swearing and the twenty committeemen were squabbling and the mob were shouting and the horses were backing and the post boys perspiring and everybody and everything then and there assembled was for the special use behoof honour and renown of the Honourable Samuel Slumkey of Slumkey Hall one of the candidates for the representation of the borough of Eatanswill in the Commons House of Parliament of the United Kingdom Loud and long were the cheers and mighty was the rustling of one of the blue flags with Liberty of the Press inscribed thereon when the sandy head of Mr Pott was discerned in one of the windows by the mob beneath and tremendous was the enthusiasm when the Honourable Samuel Slumkey himself in topboots and a blue neckerchief advanced and seized the hand of the said Pott and melodramatically testified by gestures to the crowd his ineffaceable obligations to the Eatanswill Gazette Is everything ready said the Honourable Samuel Slumkey to Mr Perker Everything my dear Sir was the little mans reply Nothing has been omitted I hope said the Honourable Samuel Slumkey Nothing has been left undone my dear sirnothing whatever There are twenty washed men at the street door for you to shake hands with and six children in arms that youre to pat on the head and inquire the age of be particular about the children my dear sirit has always a great effect that sort of thing Ill take care said the Honourable Samuel Slumkey And perhaps my dear Sir said the cautious little man perhaps if you couldI dont mean to say its indispensablebut if you could manage to kiss one of em it would produce a very great impression on the crowd Wouldnt it have as good an effect if the proposer or seconder did that said the Honourable Samuel Slumkey Why I am afraid it wouldnt replied the agent if it were done by yourself my dear Sir I think it would make you very popular Very well said the Honourable Samuel Slumkey with a resigned air then it must be done Thats all Arrange the procession cried the twenty committeemen Amidst the cheers of the assembled throng the band and the constables and the committeemen and the voters and the horsemen and the carriages took their placeseach of the twohorse vehicles being closely packed with as many gentlemen as could manage to stand upright in it and that assigned to Mr Perker containing Mr Pickwick Mr Tupman Mr Snodgrass and about half a dozen of the committee besides There was a moment of awful suspense as the procession waited for the Honourable Samuel Slumkey to step into his carriage Suddenly the crowd set up a great cheering He has come out said little Mr Perker greatly excited the more so as their position did not enable them to see what was going forward Another cheer much louder He has shaken hands with the men cried the little agent Another cheer far more vehement He has patted the babies on the head said Mr Perker trembling with anxiety A roar of applause that rent the air He has kissed one of em exclaimed the delighted little man A second roar He has kissed another gasped the excited manager A third roar Hes kissing em all screamed the enthusiastic little gentleman and hailed by the deafening shouts of the multitude the procession moved on How or by what means it became mixed up with the other procession and how it was ever extricated from the confusion consequent thereupon is more than we can undertake to describe inasmuch as Mr Pickwicks hat was knocked over his eyes nose and mouth by one poke of a Buff flag staff very early in the proceedings He describes himself as being surrounded on every side when he could catch a glimpse of the scene by angry and ferocious countenances by a vast cloud of dust and by a dense crowd of combatants He represents himself as being forced from the carriage by some unseen power and being personally engaged in a pugilistic encounter but with whom or how or why he is wholly unable to state He then felt himself forced up some wooden steps by the persons from behind and on removing his hat found himself surrounded by his friends in the very front of the left hand side of the hustings The right was reserved for the Buff party and the centre for the mayor and his officers one of whomthe fat crier of Eatanswillwas ringing an enormous bell by way of commanding silence while Mr Horatio Fizkin and the Honourable Samuel Slumkey with their hands upon their hearts were bowing with the utmost affability to the troubled sea of heads that inundated the open space in front and from whence arose a storm of groans and shouts and yells and hootings that would have done honour to an earthquake Theres Winkle said Mr Tupman pulling his friend by the sleeve Where said Mr Pickwick putting on his spectacles which he had fortunately kept in his pocket hitherto There said Mr Tupman on the top of that house And there sure enough in the leaden gutter of a tiled roof were Mr Winkle and Mrs Pott comfortably seated in a couple of chairs waving their handkerchiefs in token of recognitiona compliment which Mr Pickwick returned by kissing his hand to the lady The proceedings had not yet commenced and as an inactive crowd is generally disposed to be jocose this very innocent action was sufficient to awaken their facetiousness Oh you wicked old rascal cried one voice looking arter the girls are you Oh you wenerable sinner cried another Putting on his spectacles to look at a married ooman said a third I see him awinkin at her with his wicked old eye shouted a fourth Look arter your wife Pott bellowed a fifthand then there was a roar of laughter As these taunts were accompanied with invidious comparisons between Mr Pickwick and an aged ram and several witticisms of the like nature and as they moreover rather tended to convey reflections upon the honour of an innocent lady Mr Pickwicks indignation was excessive but as silence was proclaimed at the moment he contented himself by scorching the mob with a look of pity for their misguided minds at which they laughed more boisterously than ever Silence roared the mayors attendants Whiffin proclaim silence said the mayor with an air of pomp befitting his lofty station In obedience to this command the crier performed another concerto on the bell whereupon a gentleman in the crowd called out Muffins which occasioned another laugh Gentlemen said the mayor at as loud a pitch as he could possibly force his voice togentlemen Brother electors of the borough of Eatanswill We are met here today for the purpose of choosing a representative in the room of our late Here the mayor was interrupted by a voice in the crowd Success to the mayor cried the voice and may he never desert the nail and sarspan business as he got his money by This allusion to the professional pursuits of the orator was received with a storm of delight which with a bellaccompaniment rendered the remainder of his speech inaudible with the exception of the concluding sentence in which he thanked the meeting for the patient attention with which they heard him throughoutan expression of gratitude which elicited another burst of mirth of about a quarter of an hours duration Next a tall thin gentleman in a very stiff white neckerchief after being repeatedly desired by the crowd to send a boy home to ask whether he hadnt left his voice under the pillow begged to nominate a fit and proper person to represent them in Parliament And when he said it was Horatio Fizkin Esquire of Fizkin Lodge near Eatanswill the Fizkinites applauded and the Slumkeyites groaned so long and so loudly that both he and the seconder might have sung comic songs in lieu of speaking without anybodys being a bit the wiser The friends of Horatio Fizkin Esquire having had their innings a little choleric pinkfaced man stood forward to propose another fit and proper person to represent the electors of Eatanswill in Parliament and very swimmingly the pinkfaced gentleman would have got on if he had not been rather too choleric to entertain a sufficient perception of the fun of the crowd But after a very few sentences of figurative eloquence the pinkfaced gentleman got from denouncing those who interrupted him in the mob to exchanging defiances with the gentlemen on the hustings whereupon arose an uproar which reduced him to the necessity of expressing his feelings by serious pantomime which he did and then left the stage to his seconder who delivered a written speech of half an hours length and wouldnt be stopped because he had sent it all to the Eatanswill Gazette and the Eatanswill Gazette had already printed it every word Then Horatio Fizkin Esquire of Fizkin Lodge near Eatanswill presented himself for the purpose of addressing the electors which he no sooner did than the band employed by the Honourable Samuel Slumkey commenced performing with a power to which their strength in the morning was a trifle in return for which the Buff crowd belaboured the heads and shoulders of the Blue crowd on which the Blue crowd endeavoured to dispossess themselves of their very unpleasant neighbours the Buff crowd and a scene of struggling and pushing and fighting succeeded to which we can no more do justice than the mayor could although he issued imperative orders to twelve constables to seize the ringleaders who might amount in number to two hundred and fifty or thereabouts At all these encounters Horatio Fizkin Esquire of Fizkin Lodge and his friends waxed fierce and furious until at last Horatio Fizkin Esquire of Fizkin Lodge begged to ask his opponent the Honourable Samuel Slumkey of Slumkey Hall whether that band played by his consent which question the Honourable Samuel Slumkey declining to answer Horatio Fizkin Esquire of Fizkin Lodge shook his fist in the countenance of the Honourable Samuel Slumkey of Slumkey Hall upon which the Honourable Samuel Slumkey his blood being up defied Horatio Fizkin Esquire to mortal combat At this violation of all known rules and precedents of order the mayor commanded another fantasia on the bell and declared that he would bring before himself both Horatio Fizkin Esquire of Fizkin Lodge and the Honourable Samuel Slumkey of Slumkey Hall and bind them over to keep the peace Upon this terrific denunciation the supporters of the two candidates interfered and after the friends of each party had quarrelled in pairs for threequarters of an hour Horatio Fizkin Esquire touched his hat to the Honourable Samuel Slumkey the Honourable Samuel Slumkey touched his to Horatio Fizkin Esquire the band was stopped the crowd were partially quieted and Horatio Fizkin Esquire was permitted to proceed The speeches of the two candidates though differing in every other respect afforded a beautiful tribute to the merit and high worth of the electors of Eatanswill Both expressed their opinion that a more independent a more enlightened a more publicspirited a more noble minded a more disinterested set of men than those who had promised to vote for him never existed on earth each darkly hinted his suspicions that the electors in the opposite interest had certain swinish and besotted infirmities which rendered them unfit for the exercise of the important duties they were called upon to discharge Fizkin expressed his readiness to do anything he was wanted Slumkey his determination to do nothing that was asked of him Both said that the trade the manufactures the commerce the prosperity of Eatanswill would ever be dearer to their hearts than any earthly object and each had it in his power to state with the utmost confidence that he was the man who would eventually be returned There was a show of hands the mayor decided in favour of the Honourable Samuel Slumkey of Slumkey Hall Horatio Fizkin Esquire of Fizkin Lodge demanded a poll and a poll was fixed accordingly Then a vote of thanks was moved to the mayor for his able conduct in the chair and the mayor devoutly wishing that he had had a chair to display his able conduct in for he had been standing during the whole proceedings returned thanks The processions reformed the carriages rolled slowly through the crowd and its members screeched and shouted after them as their feelings or caprice dictated During the whole time of the polling the town was in a perpetual fever of excitement Everything was conducted on the most liberal and delightful scale Excisable articles were remarkably cheap at all the publichouses and spring vans paraded the streets for the accommodation of voters who were seized with any temporary dizziness in the headan epidemic which prevailed among the electors during the contest to a most alarming extent and under the influence of which they might frequently be seen lying on the pavements in a state of utter insensibility A small body of electors remained unpolled on the very last day They were calculating and reflecting persons who had not yet been convinced by the arguments of either party although they had frequent conferences with each One hour before the close of the poll Mr Perker solicited the honour of a private interview with these intelligent these noble these patriotic men It was granted His arguments were brief but satisfactory They went in a body to the poll and when they returned the Honourable Samuel Slumkey of Slumkey Hall was returned also CHAPTER XIV COMPRISING A BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF THE COMPANY AT THE PEACOCK ASSEMBLED AND A TALE TOLD BY A BAGMAN It is pleasant to turn from contemplating the strife and turmoil of political existence to the peaceful repose of private life Although in reality no great partisan of either side Mr Pickwick was sufficiently fired with Mr Potts enthusiasm to apply his whole time and attention to the proceedings of which the last chapter affords a description compiled from his own memoranda Nor while he was thus occupied was Mr Winkle idle his whole time being devoted to pleasant walks and short country excursions with Mrs Pott who never failed when such an opportunity presented itself to seek some relief from the tedious monotony she so constantly complained of The two gentlemen being thus completely domesticated in the editors house Mr Tupman and Mr Snodgrass were in a great measure cast upon their own resources Taking but little interest in public affairs they beguiled their time chiefly with such amusements as the Peacock afforded which were limited to a bagatelleboard in the first floor and a sequestered skittleground in the back yard In the science and nicety of both these recreations which are far more abstruse than ordinary men suppose they were gradually initiated by Mr Weller who possessed a perfect knowledge of such pastimes Thus notwithstanding that they were in a great measure deprived of the comfort and advantage of Mr Pickwicks society they were still enabled to beguile the time and to prevent its hanging heavily on their hands It was in the evening however that the Peacock presented attractions which enabled the two friends to resist even the invitations of the gifted though prosy Pott It was in the evening that the commercial room was filled with a social circle whose characters and manners it was the delight of Mr Tupman to observe whose sayings and doings it was the habit of Mr Snodgrass to note down Most people know what sort of places commercial rooms usually are That of the Peacock differed in no material respect from the generality of such apartments that is to say it was a large barelooking room the furniture of which had no doubt been better when it was newer with a spacious table in the centre and a variety of smaller dittos in the corners an extensive assortment of variously shaped chairs and an old Turkey carpet bearing about the same relative proportion to the size of the room as a ladys pockethandkerchief might to the floor of a watch box The walls were garnished with one or two large maps and several weatherbeaten rough greatcoats with complicated capes dangled from a long row of pegs in one corner The mantelshelf was ornamented with a wooden inkstand containing one stump of a pen and half a wafer a road book and directory a county history minus the cover and the mortal remains of a trout in a glass coffin The atmosphere was redolent of tobaccosmoke the fumes of which had communicated a rather dingy hue to the whole room and more especially to the dusty red curtains which shaded the windows On the sideboard a variety of miscellaneous articles were huddled together the most conspicuous of which were some very cloudy fishsauce cruets a couple of drivingboxes two or three whips and as many travelling shawls a tray of knives and forks and the mustard Here it was that Mr Tupman and Mr Snodgrass were seated on the evening after the conclusion of the election with several other temporary inmates of the house smoking and drinking Well gents said a stout hale personage of about forty with only one eyea very bright black eye which twinkled with a roguish expression of fun and goodhumour our noble selves gents I always propose that toast to the company and drink Mary to myself Eh Mary Get along with you you wretch said the handmaiden obviously not illpleased with the compliment however Dont go away Mary said the blackeyed man Let me alone imperence said the young lady Never mind said the oneeyed man calling after the girl as she left the room Ill step out by and by Mary Keep your spirits up dear Here he went through the not very difficult process of winking upon the company with his solitary eye to the enthusiastic delight of an elderly personage with a dirty face and a clay pipe Rum creeters is women said the dirtyfaced man after a pause Ah no mistake about that said a very redfaced man behind a cigar After this little bit of philosophy there was another pause Theres rummer things than women in this world though mind you said the man with the black eye slowly filling a large Dutch pipe with a most capacious bowl Are you married inquired the dirtyfaced man Cant say I am I thought not Here the dirtyfaced man fell into ecstasies of mirth at his own retort in which he was joined by a man of bland voice and placid countenance who always made it a point to agree with everybody Women after all gentlemen said the enthusiastic Mr Snodgrass are the great props and comforts of our existence So they are said the placid gentleman When theyre in a good humour interposed the dirtyfaced man And thats very true said the placid one I repudiate that qualification said Mr Snodgrass whose thoughts were fast reverting to Emily Wardle I repudiate it with disdainwith indignation Show me the man who says anything against women as women and I boldly declare he is not a man And Mr Snodgrass took his cigar from his mouth and struck the table violently with his clenched fist Thats good sound argument said the placid man Containing a position which I deny interrupted he of the dirty countenance And theres certainly a very great deal of truth in what you observe too Sir said the placid gentleman Your health Sir said the bagman with the lonely eye bestowing an approving nod on Mr Snodgrass Mr Snodgrass acknowledged the compliment I always like to hear a good argument continued the bagman a sharp one like this its very improving but this little argument about women brought to my mind a story I have heard an old uncle of mine tell the recollection of which just now made me say there were rummer things than women to be met with sometimes I should like to hear that same story said the redfaced man with the cigar Should you was the only reply of the bagman who continued to smoke with great vehemence So should I said Mr Tupman speaking for the first time He was always anxious to increase his stock of experience Should you Well then Ill tell it No I wont I know you wont believe it said the man with the roguish eye making that organ look more roguish than ever If you say its true of course I shall said Mr Tupman Well upon that understanding Ill tell you replied the traveller Did you ever hear of the great commercial house of Bilson Slum But it doesnt matter though whether you did or not because they retired from business long since Its eighty years ago since the circumstance happened to a traveller for that house but he was a particular friend of my uncles and my uncle told the story to me Its a queer name but he used to call it THE BAGMANS STORY and he used to tell it something in this way One winters evening about five oclock just as it began to grow dusk a man in a gig might have been seen urging his tired horse along the road which leads across Marlborough Downs in the direction of Bristol I say he might have been seen and I have no doubt he would have been if anybody but a blind man had happened to pass that way but the weather was so bad and the night so cold and wet that nothing was out but the water and so the traveller jogged along in the middle of the road lonesome and dreary enough If any bagman of that day could have caught sight of the little neckornothing sort of gig with a claycoloured body and red wheels and the vixenish ill tempered fast going bay mare that looked like a cross between a butchers horse and a twopenny postoffice pony he would have known at once that this traveller could have been no other than Tom Smart of the great house of Bilson and Slum Cateaton Street City However as there was no bagman to look on nobody knew anything at all about the matter and so Tom Smart and his claycoloured gig with the red wheels and the vixenish mare with the fast pace went on together keeping the secret among them and nobody was a bit the wiser There are many pleasanter places even in this dreary world than Marlborough Downs when it blows hard and if you throw in beside a gloomy winters evening a miry and sloppy road and a pelting fall of heavy rain and try the effect by way of experiment in your own proper person you will experience the full force of this observation The wind blewnot up the road or down it though thats bad enough but sheer across it sending the rain slanting down like the lines they used to rule in the copybooks at school to make the boys slope well For a moment it would die away and the traveller would begin to delude himself into the belief that exhausted with its previous fury it had quietly laid itself down to rest when whoo he could hear it growling and whistling in the distance and on it would come rushing over the hilltops and sweeping along the plain gathering sound and strength as it drew nearer until it dashed with a heavy gust against horse and man driving the sharp rain into their ears and its cold damp breath into their very bones and past them it would scour far far away with a stunning roar as if in ridicule of their weakness and triumphant in the consciousness of its own strength and power The bay mare splashed away through the mud and water with drooping ears now and then tossing her head as if to express her disgust at this very ungentlemanly behaviour of the elements but keeping a good pace notwithstanding until a gust of wind more furious than any that had yet assailed them caused her to stop suddenly and plant her four feet firmly against the ground to prevent her being blown over Its a special mercy that she did this for if she had been blown over the vixenish mare was so light and the gig was so light and Tom Smart such a light weight into the bargain that they must infallibly have all gone rolling over and over together until they reached the confines of earth or until the wind fell and in either case the probability is that neither the vixenish mare nor the claycoloured gig with the red wheels nor Tom Smart would ever have been fit for service again Well damn my straps and whiskers says Tom Smart Tom sometimes had an unpleasant knack of swearingdamn my straps and whiskers says Tom if this aint pleasant blow me Youll very likely ask me why as Tom Smart had been pretty well blown already he expressed this wish to be submitted to the same process again I cant sayall I know is that Tom Smart said soor at least he always told my uncle he said so and its just the same thing Blow me says Tom Smart and the mare neighed as if she were precisely of the same opinion Cheer up old girl said Tom patting the bay mare on the neck with the end of his whip It wont do pushing on such a night as this the first house we come to well put up at so the faster you go the sooner its over Soho old girlgentlygently Whether the vixenish mare was sufficiently well acquainted with the tones of Toms voice to comprehend his meaning or whether she found it colder standing still than moving on of course I cant say But I can say that Tom had no sooner finished speaking than she pricked up her ears and started forward at a speed which made the claycoloured gig rattle until you would have supposed every one of the red spokes were going to fly out on the turf of Marlborough Downs and even Tom whip as he was couldnt stop or check her pace until she drew up of her own accord before a roadside inn on the righthand side of the way about half a quarter of a mile from the end of the Downs Tom cast a hasty glance at the upper part of the house as he threw the reins to the hostler and stuck the whip in the box It was a strange old place built of a kind of shingle inlaid as it were with cross beams with gabledtopped windows projecting completely over the pathway and a low door with a dark porch and a couple of steep steps leading down into the house instead of the modern fashion of half a dozen shallow ones leading up to it It was a comfortablelooking place though for there was a strong cheerful light in the bar window which shed a bright ray across the road and even lighted up the hedge on the other side and there was a red flickering light in the opposite window one moment but faintly discernible and the next gleaming strongly through the drawn curtains which intimated that a rousing fire was blazing within Marking these little evidences with the eye of an experienced traveller Tom dismounted with as much agility as his half frozen limbs would permit and entered the house In less than five minutes time Tom was ensconced in the room opposite the barthe very room where he had imagined the fire blazingbefore a substantial matteroffact roaring fire composed of something short of a bushel of coals and wood enough to make half a dozen decent gooseberry bushes piled halfway up the chimney and roaring and crackling with a sound that of itself would have warmed the heart of any reasonable man This was comfortable but this was not all for a smartlydressed girl with a bright eye and a neat ankle was laying a very clean white cloth on the table and as Tom sat with his slippered feet on the fender and his back to the open door he saw a charming prospect of the bar reflected in the glass over the chimneypiece with delightful rows of green bottles and gold labels together with jars of pickles and preserves and cheeses and boiled hams and rounds of beef arranged on shelves in the most tempting and delicious array Well this was comfortable too but even this was not allfor in the bar seated at tea at the nicest possible little table drawn close up before the brightest possible little fire was a buxom widow of somewhere about eightandforty or thereabouts with a face as comfortable as the bar who was evidently the landlady of the house and the supreme ruler over all these agreeable possessions There was only one drawback to the beauty of the whole picture and that was a tall mana very tall man in a brown coat and bright basket buttons and black whiskers and wavy black hair who was seated at tea with the widow and who it required no great penetration to discover was in a fair way of persuading her to be a widow no longer but to confer upon him the privilege of sitting down in that bar for and during the whole remainder of the term of his natural life Tom Smart was by no means of an irritable or envious disposition but somehow or other the tall man with the brown coat and the bright basket buttons did rouse what little gall he had in his composition and did make him feel extremely indignant the more especially as he could now and then observe from his seat before the glass certain little affectionate familiarities passing between the tall man and the widow which sufficiently denoted that the tall man was as high in favour as he was in size Tom was fond of hot punchI may venture to say he was very fond of hot punchand after he had seen the vixenish mare well fed and well littered down and had eaten every bit of the nice little hot dinner which the widow tossed up for him with her own hands he just ordered a tumbler of it by way of experiment Now if there was one thing in the whole range of domestic art which the widow could manufacture better than another it was this identical article and the first tumbler was adapted to Tom Smarts taste with such peculiar nicety that he ordered a second with the least possible delay Hot punch is a pleasant thing gentlemenan extremely pleasant thing under any circumstancesbut in that snug old parlour before the roaring fire with the wind blowing outside till every timber in the old house creaked again Tom Smart found it perfectly delightful He ordered another tumbler and then anotherI am not quite certain whether he didnt order another after thatbut the more he drank of the hot punch the more he thought of the tall man Confound his impudence said Tom to himself what business has he in that snug bar Such an ugly villain too said Tom If the widow had any taste she might surely pick up some better fellow than that Here Toms eye wandered from the glass on the chimneypiece to the glass on the table and as he felt himself becoming gradually sentimental he emptied the fourth tumbler of punch and ordered a fifth Tom Smart gentlemen had always been very much attached to the public line It had been long his ambition to stand in a bar of his own in a green coat kneecords and tops He had a great notion of taking the chair at convivial dinners and he had often thought how well he could preside in a room of his own in the talking way and what a capital example he could set to his customers in the drinking department All these things passed rapidly through Toms mind as he sat drinking the hot punch by the roaring fire and he felt very justly and properly indignant that the tall man should be in a fair way of keeping such an excellent house while he Tom Smart was as far off from it as ever So after deliberating over the two last tumblers whether he hadnt a perfect right to pick a quarrel with the tall man for having contrived to get into the good graces of the buxom widow Tom Smart at last arrived at the satisfactory conclusion that he was a very illused and persecuted individual and had better go to bed Up a wide and ancient staircase the smart girl preceded Tom shading the chamber candle with her hand to protect it from the currents of air which in such a rambling old place might have found plenty of room to disport themselves in without blowing the candle out but which did blow it out neverthelessthus affording Toms enemies an opportunity of asserting that it was he and not the wind who extinguished the candle and that while he pretended to be blowing it alight again he was in fact kissing the girl Be this as it may another light was obtained and Tom was conducted through a maze of rooms and a labyrinth of passages to the apartment which had been prepared for his reception where the girl bade him goodnight and left him alone It was a good large room with big closets and a bed which might have served for a whole boardingschool to say nothing of a couple of oaken presses that would have held the baggage of a small army but what struck Toms fancy most was a strange grimlooking high backed chair carved in the most fantastic manner with a flowered damask cushion and the round knobs at the bottom of the legs carefully tied up in red cloth as if it had got the gout in its toes Of any other queer chair Tom would only have thought it was a queer chair and there would have been an end of the matter but there was something about this particular chair and yet he couldnt tell what it was so odd and so unlike any other piece of furniture he had ever seen that it seemed to fascinate him He sat down before the fire and stared at the old chair for half an hourDamn the chair it was such a strange old thing he couldnt take his eyes off it Well said Tom slowly undressing himself and staring at the old chair all the while which stood with a mysterious aspect by the bedside I never saw such a rum concern as that in my days Very odd said Tom who had got rather sage with the hot punchvery odd Tom shook his head with an air of profound wisdom and looked at the chair again He couldnt make anything of it though so he got into bed covered himself up warm and fell asleep In about half an hour Tom woke up with a start from a confused dream of tall men and tumblers of punch and the first object that presented itself to his waking imagination was the queer chair I wont look at it any more said Tom to himself and he squeezed his eyelids together and tried to persuade himself he was going to sleep again No use nothing but queer chairs danced before his eyes kicking up their legs jumping over each others backs and playing all kinds of antics I may as well see one real chair as two or three complete sets of false ones said Tom bringing out his head from under the bedclothes There it was plainly discernible by the light of the fire looking as provoking as ever Tom gazed at the chair and suddenly as he looked at it a most extraordinary change seemed to come over it The carving of the back gradually assumed the lineaments and expression of an old shrivelled human face the damask cushion became an antique flapped waistcoat the round knobs grew into a couple of feet encased in red cloth slippers and the whole chair looked like a very ugly old man of the previous century with his arms akimbo Tom sat up in bed and rubbed his eyes to dispel the illusion No The chair was an ugly old gentleman and what was more he was winking at Tom Smart Tom was naturally a headlong careless sort of dog and he had had five tumblers of hot punch into the bargain so although he was a little startled at first he began to grow rather indignant when he saw the old gentleman winking and leering at him with such an impudent air At length he resolved that he wouldnt stand it and as the old face still kept winking away as fast as ever Tom said in a very angry tone What the devil are you winking at me for Because I like it Tom Smart said the chair or the old gentleman whichever you like to call him He stopped winking though when Tom spoke and began grinning like a superannuated monkey How do you know my name old nutcracker face inquired Tom Smart rather staggered though he pretended to carry it off so well Come come Tom said the old gentleman thats not the way to address solid Spanish mahogany Damme you couldnt treat me with less respect if I was veneered When the old gentleman said this he looked so fierce that Tom began to grow frightened I didnt mean to treat you with any disrespect Sir said Tom in a much humbler tone than he had spoken in at first Well well said the old fellow perhaps notperhaps not Tom Sir I know everything about you Tom everything Youre very poor Tom I certainly am said Tom Smart But how came you to know that Never mind that said the old gentleman youre much too fond of punch Tom Tom Smart was just on the point of protesting that he hadnt tasted a drop since his last birthday but when his eye encountered that of the old gentleman he looked so knowing that Tom blushed and was silent Tom said the old gentleman the widows a fine womanremarkably fine womaneh Tom Here the old fellow screwed up his eyes cocked up one of his wasted little legs and looked altogether so unpleasantly amorous that Tom was quite disgusted with the levity of his behaviour at his time of life too I am her guardian Tom said the old gentleman Are you inquired Tom Smart I knew her mother Tom said the old fellow and her grandmother She was very fond of memade me this waistcoat Tom Did she said Tom Smart And these shoes said the old fellow lifting up one of the red cloth mufflers but dont mention it Tom I shouldnt like to have it known that she was so much attached to me It might occasion some unpleasantness in the family When the old rascal said this he looked so extremely impertinent that as Tom Smart afterwards declared he could have sat upon him without remorse I have been a great favourite among the women in my time Tom said the profligate old debauchee hundreds of fine women have sat in my lap for hours together What do you think of that you dog eh The old gentleman was proceeding to recount some other exploits of his youth when he was seized with such a violent fit of creaking that he was unable to proceed Just serves you right old boy thought Tom Smart but he didnt say anything Ah said the old fellow I am a good deal troubled with this now I am getting old Tom and have lost nearly all my nails I have had an operation performed tooa small piece let into my backand I found it a severe trial Tom I dare say you did Sir said Tom Smart However said the old gentleman thats not the point Tom I want you to marry the widow Me Sir said Tom You said the old gentleman Bless your reverend locks said Tom he had a few scattered horse hairs leftbless your reverend locks she wouldnt have me And Tom sighed involuntarily as he thought of the bar Wouldnt she said the old gentleman firmly No no said Tom theres somebody else in the wind A tall mana confoundedly tall manwith black whiskers Tom said the old gentleman she will never have him Wont she said Tom If you stood in the bar old gentleman youd tell another story Pooh pooh said the old gentleman I know all about that About what said Tom The kissing behind the door and all that sort of thing Tom said the old gentleman And here he gave another impudent look which made Tom very wroth because as you all know gentlemen to hear an old fellow who ought to know better talking about these things is very unpleasantnothing more so I know all about that Tom said the old gentleman I have seen it done very often in my time Tom between more people than I should like to mention to you but it never came to anything after all You must have seen some queer things said Tom with an inquisitive look You may say that Tom replied the old fellow with a very complicated wink I am the last of my family Tom said the old gentleman with a melancholy sigh Was it a large one inquired Tom Smart There were twelve of us Tom said the old gentleman fine straightbacked handsome fellows as youd wish to see None of your modern abortionsall with arms and with a degree of polish though I say it that should not which it would have done your heart good to behold And whats become of the others Sir asked Tom Smart The old gentleman applied his elbow to his eye as he replied Gone Tom gone We had hard service Tom and they hadnt all my constitution They got rheumatic about the legs and arms and went into kitchens and other hospitals and one of em with long service and hard usage positively lost his senseshe got so crazy that he was obliged to be burnt Shocking thing that Tom Dreadful said Tom Smart The old fellow paused for a few minutes apparently struggling with his feelings of emotion and then said However Tom I am wandering from the point This tall man Tom is a rascally adventurer The moment he married the widow he would sell off all the furniture and run away What would be the consequence She would be deserted and reduced to ruin and I should catch my death of cold in some brokers shop Yes but Dont interrupt me said the old gentleman Of you Tom I entertain a very different opinion for I well know that if you once settled yourself in a publichouse you would never leave it as long as there was anything to drink within its walls I am very much obliged to you for your good opinion Sir said Tom Smart Therefore resumed the old gentleman in a dictatorial tone you shall have her and he shall not What is to prevent it said Tom Smart eagerly This disclosure replied the old gentleman he is already married How can I prove it said Tom starting half out of bed The old gentleman untucked his arm from his side and having pointed to one of the oaken presses immediately replaced it in its old position He little thinks said the old gentleman that in the righthand pocket of a pair of trousers in that press he has left a letter entreating him to return to his disconsolate wife with sixmark me Tomsix babes and all of them small ones As the old gentleman solemnly uttered these words his features grew less and less distinct and his figure more shadowy A film came over Tom Smarts eyes The old man seemed gradually blending into the chair the damask waistcoat to resolve into a cushion the red slippers to shrink into little red cloth bags The light faded gently away and Tom Smart fell back on his pillow and dropped asleep Morning aroused Tom from the lethargic slumber into which he had fallen on the disappearance of the old man He sat up in bed and for some minutes vainly endeavoured to recall the events of the preceding night Suddenly they rushed upon him He looked at the chair it was a fantastic and grimlooking piece of furniture certainly but it must have been a remarkably ingenious and lively imagination that could have discovered any resemblance between it and an old man How are you old boy said Tom He was bolder in the daylightmost men are The chair remained motionless and spoke not a word Miserable morning said Tom No The chair would not be drawn into conversation Which press did you point toyou can tell me that said Tom Devil a word gentlemen the chair would say Its not much trouble to open it anyhow said Tom getting out of bed very deliberately He walked up to one of the presses The key was in the lock he turned it and opened the door There was a pair of trousers there He put his hand into the pocket and drew forth the identical letter the old gentleman had described Queer sort of thing this said Tom Smart looking first at the chair and then at the press and then at the letter and then at the chair again Very queer said Tom But as there was nothing in either to lessen the queerness he thought he might as well dress himself and settle the tall mans business at oncejust to put him out of his misery Tom surveyed the rooms he passed through on his way downstairs with the scrutinising eye of a landlord thinking it not impossible that before long they and their contents would be his property The tall man was standing in the snug little bar with his hands behind him quite at home He grinned vacantly at Tom A casual observer might have supposed he did it only to show his white teeth but Tom Smart thought that a consciousness of triumph was passing through the place where the tall mans mind would have been if he had had any Tom laughed in his face and summoned the landlady Goodmorning maam said Tom Smart closing the door of the little parlour as the widow entered Goodmorning Sir said the widow What will you take for breakfast sir Tom was thinking how he should open the case so he made no answer Theres a very nice ham said the widow and a beautiful cold larded fowl Shall I send em in Sir These words roused Tom from his reflections His admiration of the widow increased as she spoke Thoughtful creature Comfortable provider Who is that gentleman in the bar maam inquired Tom His name is Jinkins Sir said the widow slightly blushing Hes a tall man said Tom He is a very fine man Sir replied the widow and a very nice gentleman Ah said Tom Is there anything more you want Sir inquired the widow rather puzzled by Toms manner Why yes said Tom My dear maam will you have the kindness to sit down for one moment The widow looked much amazed but she sat down and Tom sat down too close beside her I dont know how it happened gentlemenindeed my uncle used to tell me that Tom Smart said he didnt know how it happened eitherbut somehow or other the palm of Toms hand fell upon the back of the widows hand and remained there while he spoke My dear maam said Tom Smarthe had always a great notion of committing the amiablemy dear maam you deserve a very excellent husbandyou do indeed Lor Sir said the widowas well she might Toms mode of commencing the conversation being rather unusual not to say startling the fact of his never having set eyes upon her before the previous night being taken into consideration Lor Sir I scorn to flatter my dear maam said Tom Smart You deserve a very admirable husband and whoever he is hell be a very lucky man As Tom said this his eye involuntarily wandered from the widows face to the comfort around him The widow looked more puzzled than ever and made an effort to rise Tom gently pressed her hand as if to detain her and she kept her seat Widows gentlemen are not usually timorous as my uncle used to say I am sure I am very much obliged to you Sir for your good opinion said the buxom landlady half laughing and if ever I marry again If said Tom Smart looking very shrewdly out of the righthand corner of his left eye If Well said the widow laughing outright this time when I do I hope I shall have as good a husband as you describe Jinkins to wit said Tom Lor sir exclaimed the widow Oh dont tell me said Tom I know him I am sure nobody who knows him knows anything bad of him said the widow bridling up at the mysterious air with which Tom had spoken Hem said Tom Smart The widow began to think it was high time to cry so she took out her handkerchief and inquired whether Tom wished to insult her whether he thought it like a gentleman to take away the character of another gentleman behind his back why if he had got anything to say he didnt say it to the man like a man instead of terrifying a poor weak woman in that way and so forth Ill say it to him fast enough said Tom only I want you to hear it first What is it inquired the widow looking intently in Toms countenance Ill astonish you said Tom putting his hand in his pocket If it is that he wants money said the widow I know that already and you neednt trouble yourself Pooh nonsense thats nothing said Tom Smart I want money Taint that Oh dear what can it be exclaimed the poor widow Dont be frightened said Tom Smart He slowly drew forth the letter and unfolded it You wont scream said Tom doubtfully No no replied the widow let me see it You wont go fainting away or any of that nonsense said Tom No no returned the widow hastily And dont run out and blow him up said Tom because Ill do all that for you You had better not exert yourself Well well said the widow let me see it I will replied Tom Smart and with these words he placed the letter in the widows hand Gentlemen I have heard my uncle say that Tom Smart said the widows lamentations when she heard the disclosure would have pierced a heart of stone Tom was certainly very tenderhearted but they pierced his to the very core The widow rocked herself to and fro and wrung her hands Oh the deception and villainy of the man said the widow Frightful my dear maam but compose yourself said Tom Smart Oh I cant compose myself shrieked the widow I shall never find anyone else I can love so much Oh yes you will my dear soul said Tom Smart letting fall a shower of the largestsized tears in pity for the widows misfortunes Tom Smart in the energy of his compassion had put his arm round the widows waist and the widow in a passion of grief had clasped Toms hand She looked up in Toms face and smiled through her tears Tom looked down in hers and smiled through his I never could find out gentlemen whether Tom did or did not kiss the widow at that particular moment He used to tell my uncle he didnt but I have my doubts about it Between ourselves gentlemen I rather think he did At all events Tom kicked the very tall man out at the front door half an hour later and married the widow a month after And he used to drive about the country with the claycoloured gig with the red wheels and the vixenish mare with the fast pace till he gave up business many years afterwards and went to France with his wife and then the old house was pulled down Will you allow me to ask you said the inquisitive old gentleman what became of the chair Why replied the oneeyed bagman it was observed to creak very much on the day of the wedding but Tom Smart couldnt say for certain whether it was with pleasure or bodily infirmity He rather thought it was the latter though for it never spoke afterwards Everybody believed the story didnt they said the dirtyfaced man refilling his pipe Except Toms enemies replied the bagman Some of em said Tom invented it altogether and others said he was drunk and fancied it and got hold of the wrong trousers by mistake before he went to bed But nobody ever minded what they said Tom Smart said it was all true Every word And your uncle Every letter They must have been very nice men both of em said the dirtyfaced man Yes they were replied the bagman very nice men indeed CHAPTER XV IN WHICH IS GIVEN A FAITHFUL PORTRAITURE OF TWO DISTINGUISHED PERSONS AND AN ACCURATE DESCRIPTION OF A PUBLIC BREAKFAST IN THEIR HOUSE AND GROUNDS WHICH PUBLIC BREAKFAST LEADS TO THE RECOGNITION OF AN OLD ACQUAINTANCE AND THE COMMENCEMENT OF ANOTHER CHAPTER Mr Pickwicks conscience had been somewhat reproaching him for his recent neglect of his friends at the Peacock and he was just on the point of walking forth in quest of them on the third morning after the election had terminated when his faithful valet put into his hand a card on which was engraved the following inscription Mrs Leo Hunter THE DEN EATANSWILL Persons awaitin said Sam epigrammatically Does the person want me Sam inquired Mr Pickwick He wants you partickler and no one else ll do as the devils private secretary said ven he fetched avay Doctor Faustus replied Mr Weller He Is it a gentleman said Mr Pickwick A wery good imitation o one if it aint replied Mr Weller But this is a ladys card said Mr Pickwick Given me by a genlmn howsoever replied Sam and hes awaitin in the drawingroomsaid hed rather wait all day than not see you Mr Pickwick on hearing this determination descended to the drawing room where sat a grave man who started up on his entrance and said with an air of profound respect Mr Pickwick I presume The same Allow me Sir the honour of grasping your hand Permit me Sir to shake it said the grave man Certainly said Mr Pickwick The stranger shook the extended hand and then continued We have heard of your fame sir The noise of your antiquarian discussion has reached the ears of Mrs Leo Huntermy wife sir I am Mr Leo Hunterthe stranger paused as if he expected that Mr Pickwick would be overcome by the disclosure but seeing that he remained perfectly calm proceeded My wife sirMrs Leo Hunteris proud to number among her acquaintance all those who have rendered themselves celebrated by their works and talents Permit me sir to place in a conspicuous part of the list the name of Mr Pickwick and his brothermembers of the club that derives its name from him I shall be extremely happy to make the acquaintance of such a lady sir replied Mr Pickwick You shall make it sir said the grave man Tomorrow morning sir we give a public breakfasta fete champetreto a great number of those who have rendered themselves celebrated by their works and talents Permit Mrs Leo Hunter Sir to have the gratification of seeing you at the Den With great pleasure replied Mr Pickwick Mrs Leo Hunter has many of these breakfasts Sir resumed the new acquaintancefeasts of reason sir and flows of soul as somebody who wrote a sonnet to Mrs Leo Hunter on her breakfasts feelingly and originally observed Was he celebrated for his works and talents inquired Mr Pickwick He was Sir replied the grave man all Mrs Leo Hunters acquaintances are it is her ambition sir to have no other acquaintance It is a very noble ambition said Mr Pickwick When I inform Mrs Leo Hunter that that remark fell from your lips sir she will indeed be proud said the grave man You have a gentleman in your train who has produced some beautiful little poems I think sir My friend Mr Snodgrass has a great taste for poetry replied Mr Pickwick So has Mrs Leo Hunter Sir She dotes on poetry sir She adores it I may say that her whole soul and mind are wound up and entwined with it She has produced some delightful pieces herself sir You may have met with her Ode to an Expiring Frog sir I dont think I have said Mr Pickwick You astonish me Sir said Mr Leo Hunter It created an immense sensation It was signed with an L and eight stars and appeared originally in a ladys magazine It commenced Can I view thee panting lying On thy stomach without sighing Can I unmoved see thee dying On a log Expiring frog Beautiful said Mr Pickwick Fine said Mr Leo Hunter so simple Very said Mr Pickwick The next verse is still more touching Shall I repeat it If you please said Mr Pickwick It runs thus said the grave man still more gravely Say have fiends in shape of boys With wild halloo and brutal noise Hunted thee from marshy joys With a dog Expiring frog Finely expressed said Mr Pickwick All point Sir said Mr Leo Hunter but you shall hear Mrs Leo Hunter repeat it She can do justice to it Sir She will repeat it in character Sir tomorrow morning In character As Minerva But I forgotits a fancydress dejeune Dear me said Mr Pickwick glancing at his own figureI cant possibly Cant sir cant exclaimed Mr Leo Hunter Solomon Lucas the Jew in the High Street has thousands of fancydresses Consider Sir how many appropriate characters are open for your selection Plato Zeno Epicurus Pythagorasall founders of clubs I know that said Mr Pickwick but as I cannot put myself in competition with those great men I cannot presume to wear their dresses The grave man considered deeply for a few seconds and then said On reflection Sir I dont know whether it would not afford Mrs Leo Hunter greater pleasure if her guests saw a gentleman of your celebrity in his own costume rather than in an assumed one I may venture to promise an exception in your case siryes I am quite certain that on behalf of Mrs Leo Hunter I may venture to do so In that case said Mr Pickwick I shall have great pleasure in coming But I waste your time Sir said the grave man as if suddenly recollecting himself I know its value sir I will not detain you I may tell Mrs Leo Hunter then that she may confidently expect you and your distinguished friends Goodmorning Sir I am proud to have beheld so eminent a personagenot a step sir not a word And without giving Mr Pickwick time to offer remonstrance or denial Mr Leo Hunter stalked gravely away Mr Pickwick took up his hat and repaired to the Peacock but Mr Winkle had conveyed the intelligence of the fancyball there before him Mrs Potts going were the first words with which he saluted his leader Is she said Mr Pickwick As Apollo replied Winkle Only Pott objects to the tunic He is right He is quite right said Mr Pickwick emphatically Yes so shes going to wear a white satin gown with gold spangles Theyll hardly know what shes meant for will they inquired Mr Snodgrass Of course they will replied Mr Winkle indignantly Theyll see her lyre wont they True I forgot that said Mr Snodgrass I shall go as a bandit interposed Mr Tupman What said Mr Pickwick with a sudden start As a bandit repeated Mr Tupman mildly You dont mean to say said Mr Pickwick gazing with solemn sternness at his friendyou dont mean to say Mr Tupman that it is your intention to put yourself into a green velvet jacket with a twoinch tail Such is my intention Sir replied Mr Tupman warmly And why not sir Because Sir said Mr Pickwick considerably excitedbecause you are too old Sir Too old exclaimed Mr Tupman And if any further ground of objection be wanting continued Mr Pickwick you are too fat sir Sir said Mr Tupman his face suffused with a crimson glow this is an insult Sir replied Mr Pickwick in the same tone it is not half the insult to you that your appearance in my presence in a green velvet jacket with a twoinch tail would be to me Sir said Mr Tupman youre a fellow Sir said Mr Pickwick youre another Mr Tupman advanced a step or two and glared at Mr Pickwick Mr Pickwick returned the glare concentrated into a focus by means of his spectacles and breathed a bold defiance Mr Snodgrass and Mr Winkle looked on petrified at beholding such a scene between two such men Sir said Mr Tupman after a short pause speaking in a low deep voice you have called me old I have said Mr Pickwick And fat I reiterate the charge And a fellow So you are There was a fearful pause My attachment to your person sir said Mr Tupman speaking in a voice tremulous with emotion and tucking up his wristbands meanwhile is greatvery greatbut upon that person I must take summary vengeance Come on Sir replied Mr Pickwick Stimulated by the exciting nature of the dialogue the heroic man actually threw himself into a paralytic attitude confidently supposed by the two bystanders to have been intended as a posture of defence What exclaimed Mr Snodgrass suddenly recovering the power of speech of which intense astonishment had previously bereft him and rushing between the two at the imminent hazard of receiving an application on the temple from eachwhat Mr Pickwick with the eyes of the world upon you Mr Tupman who in common with us all derives a lustre from his undying name For shame gentlemen for shame The unwonted lines which momentary passion had ruled in Mr Pickwicks clear and open brow gradually melted away as his young friend spoke like the marks of a blacklead pencil beneath the softening influence of indiarubber His countenance had resumed its usual benign expression ere he concluded I have been hasty said Mr Pickwick very hasty Tupman your hand The dark shadow passed from Mr Tupmans face as he warmly grasped the hand of his friend I have been hasty too said he No no interrupted Mr Pickwick the fault was mine You will wear the green velvet jacket No no replied Mr Tupman To oblige me you will resumed Mr Pickwick Well well I will said Mr Tupman It was accordingly settled that Mr Tupman Mr Winkle and Mr Snodgrass should all wear fancydresses Thus Mr Pickwick was led by the very warmth of his own good feelings to give his consent to a proceeding from which his better judgment would have recoileda more striking illustration of his amiable character could hardly have been conceived even if the events recorded in these pages had been wholly imaginary Mr Leo Hunter had not exaggerated the resources of Mr Solomon Lucas His wardrobe was extensivevery extensivenot strictly classical perhaps not quite new nor did it contain any one garment made precisely after the fashion of any age or time but everything was more or less spangled and what can be prettier than spangles It may be objected that they are not adapted to the daylight but everybody knows that they would glitter if there were lamps and nothing can be clearer than that if people give fancyballs in the daytime and the dresses do not show quite as well as they would by night the fault lies solely with the people who give the fancyballs and is in no wise chargeable on the spangles Such was the convincing reasoning of Mr Solomon Lucas and influenced by such arguments did Mr Tupman Mr Winkle and Mr Snodgrass engage to array themselves in costumes which his taste and experience induced him to recommend as admirably suited to the occasion A carriage was hired from the Town Arms for the accommodation of the Pickwickians and a chariot was ordered from the same repository for the purpose of conveying Mr and Mrs Pott to Mrs Leo Hunters grounds which Mr Pott as a delicate acknowledgment of having received an invitation had already confidently predicted in the Eatanswill Gazette would present a scene of varied and delicious enchantmenta bewildering coruscation of beauty and talenta lavish and prodigal display of hospitalityabove all a degree of splendour softened by the most exquisite taste and adornment refined with perfect harmony and the chastest good keepingcompared with which the fabled gorgeousness of Eastern fairyland itself would appear to be clothed in as many dark and murky colours as must be the mind of the splenetic and unmanly being who could presume to taint with the venom of his envy the preparations made by the virtuous and highly distinguished lady at whose shrine this humble tribute of admiration was offered This last was a piece of biting sarcasm against the Independent who in consequence of not having been invited at all had been through four numbers affecting to sneer at the whole affair in his very largest type with all the adjectives in capital letters The morning came it was a pleasant sight to behold Mr Tupman in full brigands costume with a very tight jacket sitting like a pincushion over his back and shoulders the upper portion of his legs incased in the velvet shorts and the lower part thereof swathed in the complicated bandages to which all brigands are peculiarly attached It was pleasing to see his open and ingenuous countenance well mustachioed and corked looking out from an open shirt collar and to contemplate the sugarloaf hat decorated with ribbons of all colours which he was compelled to carry on his knee inasmuch as no known conveyance with a top to it would admit of any mans carrying it between his head and the roof Equally humorous and agreeable was the appearance of Mr Snodgrass in blue satin trunks and cloak white silk tights and shoes and Grecian helmet which everybody knows and if they do not Mr Solomon Lucas did to have been the regular authentic everyday costume of a troubadour from the earliest ages down to the time of their final disappearance from the face of the earth All this was pleasant but this was as nothing compared with the shouting of the populace when the carriage drew up behind Mr Potts chariot which chariot itself drew up at Mr Potts door which door itself opened and displayed the great Pott accoutred as a Russian officer of justice with a tremendous knout in his handtastefully typical of the stern and mighty power of the Eatanswill Gazette and the fearful lashings it bestowed on public offenders Bravo shouted Mr Tupman and Mr Snodgrass from the passage when they beheld the walking allegory Bravo Mr Pickwick was heard to exclaim from the passage Hooroar Pott shouted the populace Amid these salutations Mr Pott smiling with that kind of bland dignity which sufficiently testified that he felt his power and knew how to exert it got into the chariot Then there emerged from the house Mrs Pott who would have looked very like Apollo if she hadnt had a gown on conducted by Mr Winkle who in his lightred coat could not possibly have been mistaken for anything but a sportsman if he had not borne an equal resemblance to a general postman Last of all came Mr Pickwick whom the boys applauded as loud as anybody probably under the impression that his tights and gaiters were some remnants of the dark ages and then the two vehicles proceeded towards Mrs Leo Hunters Mr Weller who was to assist in waiting being stationed on the box of that in which his master was seated Every one of the men women boys girls and babies who were assembled to see the visitors in their fancydresses screamed with delight and ecstasy when Mr Pickwick with the brigand on one arm and the troubadour on the other walked solemnly up the entrance Never were such shouts heard as those which greeted Mr Tupmans efforts to fix the sugarloaf hat on his head by way of entering the garden in style The preparations were on the most delightful scale fully realising the prophetic Potts anticipations about the gorgeousness of Eastern fairyland and at once affording a sufficient contradiction to the malignant statements of the reptile Independent The grounds were more than an acre and a quarter in extent and they were filled with people Never was such a blaze of beauty and fashion and literature There was the young lady who did the poetry in the Eatanswill Gazette in the garb of a sultana leaning upon the arm of the young gentleman who did the review department and who was appropriately habited in a field marshals uniformthe boots excepted There were hosts of these geniuses and any reasonable person would have thought it honour enough to meet them But more than these there were half a dozen lions from Londonauthors real authors who had written whole books and printed them afterwardsand here you might see em walking about like ordinary men smiling and talkingaye and talking pretty considerable nonsense too no doubt with the benign intention of rendering themselves intelligible to the common people about them Moreover there was a band of music in pasteboard caps four somethingean singers in the costume of their country and a dozen hired waiters in the costume of their countryand very dirty costume too And above all there was Mrs Leo Hunter in the character of Minerva receiving the company and overflowing with pride and gratification at the notion of having called such distinguished individuals together Mr Pickwick maam said a servant as that gentleman approached the presiding goddess with his hat in his hand and the brigand and troubadour on either arm What Where exclaimed Mrs Leo Hunter starting up in an affected rapture of surprise Here said Mr Pickwick Is it possible that I have really the gratification of beholding Mr Pickwick himself ejaculated Mrs Leo Hunter No other maam replied Mr Pickwick bowing very low Permit me to introduce my friendsMr TupmanMr WinkleMr Snodgrassto the authoress of The Expiring Frog Very few people but those who have tried it know what a difficult process it is to bow in green velvet smalls and a tight jacket and highcrowned hat or in blue satin trunks and white silks or kneecords and topboots that were never made for the wearer and have been fixed upon him without the remotest reference to the comparative dimensions of himself and the suit Never were such distortions as Mr Tupmans frame underwent in his efforts to appear easy and gracefulnever was such ingenious posturing as his fancydressed friends exhibited Mr Pickwick said Mrs Leo Hunter I must make you promise not to stir from my side the whole day There are hundreds of people here that I must positively introduce you to You are very kind maam said Mr Pickwick In the first place here are my little girls I had almost forgotten them said Minerva carelessly pointing towards a couple of fullgrown young ladies of whom one might be about twenty and the other a year or two older and who were dressed in very juvenile costumeswhether to make them look young or their mamma younger Mr Pickwick does not distinctly inform us They are very beautiful said Mr Pickwick as the juveniles turned away after being presented They are very like their mamma Sir said Mr Pott majestically Oh you naughty man exclaimed Mrs Leo Hunter playfully tapping the editors arm with her fan Minerva with a fan Why now my dear Mrs Hunter said Mr Pott who was trumpeter in ordinary at the Den you know that when your picture was in the exhibition of the Royal Academy last year everybody inquired whether it was intended for you or your youngest daughter for you were so much alike that there was no telling the difference between you Well and if they did why need you repeat it before strangers said Mrs Leo Hunter bestowing another tap on the slumbering lion of the Eatanswill Gazette Count count screamed Mrs Leo Hunter to a wellwhiskered individual in a foreign uniform who was passing by Ah you want me said the count turning back I want to introduce two very clever people to each other said Mrs Leo Hunter Mr Pickwick I have great pleasure in introducing you to Count Smorltork She added in a hurried whisper to Mr PickwickThe famous foreignergathering materials for his great work on England hemCount Smorltork Mr Pickwick Mr Pickwick saluted the count with all the reverence due to so great a man and the count drew forth a set of tablets What you say Mrs Hunt inquired the count smiling graciously on the gratified Mrs Leo Hunter Pig Vig or Big Vigwhat you calllawyer eh I seethat is it Big Vigand the count was proceeding to enter Mr Pickwick in his tablets as a gentleman of the long robe who derived his name from the profession to which he belonged when Mrs Leo Hunter interposed No no count said the lady Pickwick Ah ah I see replied the count Peekchristian name Weeks surname good ver good Peek Weeks How you do Weeks Quite well I thank you replied Mr Pickwick with all his usual affability Have you been long in England Longver long timefortnightmore Do you stay here long One week You will have enough to do said Mr Pickwick smiling to gather all the materials you want in that time Eh they are gathered said the count Indeed said Mr Pickwick They are here added the count tapping his forehead significantly Large book at homefull of notesmusic picture science potry poltic all tings The word politics sir said Mr Pickwick comprises in itself a difficult study of no inconsiderable magnitude Ah said the count drawing out the tablets again ver goodfine words to begin a chapter Chapter fortyseven Poltics The word poltic surprises by himself And down went Mr Pickwicks remark in Count Smorltorks tablets with such variations and additions as the counts exuberant fancy suggested or his imperfect knowledge of the language occasioned Count said Mrs Leo Hunter Mrs Hunt replied the count This is Mr Snodgrass a friend of Mr Pickwicks and a poet Stop exclaimed the count bringing out the tablets once more Head potrychapter literary friendsname Snowgrass ver good Introduced to Snowgrassgreat poet friend of Peek Weeksby Mrs Hunt which wrote other sweet poemwhat is that nameFogPerspiring Fogver goodver good indeed And the count put up his tablets and with sundry bows and acknowledgments walked away thoroughly satisfied that he had made the most important and valuable additions to his stock of information Wonderful man Count Smorltork said Mrs Leo Hunter Sound philosopher said Mr Pott Clearheaded strongminded person added Mr Snodgrass A chorus of bystanders took up the shout of Count Smorltorks praise shook their heads sagely and unanimously cried Very As the enthusiasm in Count Smorltorks favour ran very high his praises might have been sung until the end of the festivities if the four somethingean singers had not ranged themselves in front of a small appletree to look picturesque and commenced singing their national songs which appeared by no means difficult of execution inasmuch as the grand secret seemed to be that three of the somethingean singers should grunt while the fourth howled This interesting performance having concluded amidst the loud plaudits of the whole company a boy forthwith proceeded to entangle himself with the rails of a chair and to jump over it and crawl under it and fall down with it and do everything but sit upon it and then to make a cravat of his legs and tie them round his neck and then to illustrate the ease with which a human being can be made to look like a magnified toadall which feats yielded high delight and satisfaction to the assembled spectators After which the voice of Mrs Pott was heard to chirp faintly forth something which courtesy interpreted into a song which was all very classical and strictly in character because Apollo was himself a composer and composers can very seldom sing their own music or anybody elses either This was succeeded by Mrs Leo Hunters recitation of her farfamed Ode to an Expiring Frog which was encored once and would have been encored twice if the major part of the guests who thought it was high time to get something to eat had not said that it was perfectly shameful to take advantage of Mrs Hunters good nature So although Mrs Leo Hunter professed her perfect willingness to recite the ode again her kind and considerate friends wouldnt hear of it on any account and the refreshment room being thrown open all the people who had ever been there before scrambled in with all possible despatch Mrs Leo Hunters usual course of proceedings being to issue cards for a hundred and breakfast for fifty or in other words to feed only the very particular lions and let the smaller animals take care of themselves Where is Mr Pott said Mrs Leo Hunter as she placed the aforesaid lions around her Here I am said the editor from the remotest end of the room far beyond all hope of food unless something was done for him by the hostess Wont you come up here Oh pray dont mind him said Mrs Pott in the most obliging voice you give yourself a great deal of unnecessary trouble Mrs Hunter Youll do very well there wont youdear Certainlylove replied the unhappy Pott with a grim smile Alas for the knout The nervous arm that wielded it with such a gigantic force on public characters was paralysed beneath the glance of the imperious Mrs Pott Mrs Leo Hunter looked round her in triumph Count Smorltork was busily engaged in taking notes of the contents of the dishes Mr Tupman was doing the honours of the lobster salad to several lionesses with a degree of grace which no brigand ever exhibited before Mr Snodgrass having cut out the young gentleman who cut up the books for the Eatanswill Gazette was engaged in an impassioned argument with the young lady who did the poetry and Mr Pickwick was making himself universally agreeable Nothing seemed wanting to render the select circle complete when Mr Leo Hunterwhose department on these occasions was to stand about in doorways and talk to the less important peoplesuddenly called out My dear heres Mr Charles FitzMarshall Oh dear said Mrs Leo Hunter how anxiously I have been expecting him Pray make room to let Mr FitzMarshall pass Tell Mr Fitz Marshall my dear to come up to me directly to be scolded for coming so late Coming my dear maam cried a voice as quick as I cancrowds of peoplefull roomhard workvery Mr Pickwicks knife and fork fell from his hand He stared across the table at Mr Tupman who had dropped his knife and fork and was looking as if he were about to sink into the ground without further notice Ah cried the voice as its owner pushed his way among the last five andtwenty Turks officers cavaliers and Charles the Seconds that remained between him and the table regular mangleBakers patentnot a crease in my coat after all this squeezingmight have got up my linen as I came alongha ha not a bad idea thatqueer thing to have it mangled when its upon one thoughtrying processvery With these broken words a young man dressed as a naval officer made his way up to the table and presented to the astonished Pickwickians the identical form and features of Mr Alfred Jingle The offender had barely time to take Mrs Leo Hunters proffered hand when his eyes encountered the indignant orbs of Mr Pickwick Hollo said Jingle Quite forgotno directions to postilliongive em at onceback in a minute The servant or Mr Hunter will do it in a moment Mr FitzMarshall said Mrs Leo Hunter No noIll do itshant be longback in no time replied Jingle With these words he disappeared among the crowd Will you allow me to ask you maam said the excited Mr Pickwick rising from his seat who that young man is and where he resides He is a gentleman of fortune Mr Pickwick said Mrs Leo Hunter to whom I very much want to introduce you The count will be delighted with him Yes yes said Mr Pickwick hastily His residence Is at present at the Angel at Bury At Bury At Bury St Edmunds not many miles from here But dear me Mr Pickwick you are not going to leave us surely Mr Pickwick you cannot think of going so soon But long before Mrs Leo Hunter had finished speaking Mr Pickwick had plunged through the throng and reached the garden whither he was shortly afterwards joined by Mr Tupman who had followed his friend closely Its of no use said Mr Tupman He has gone I know it said Mr Pickwick and I will follow him Follow him Where inquired Mr Tupman To the Angel at Bury replied Mr Pickwick speaking very quickly How do we know whom he is deceiving there He deceived a worthy man once and we were the innocent cause He shall not do it again if I can help it Ill expose him Sam Wheres my servant Here you are Sir said Mr Weller emerging from a sequestered spot where he had been engaged in discussing a bottle of Madeira which he had abstracted from the breakfasttable an hour or two before Heres your servant Sir Proud o the title as the living skellinton said ven they showd him Follow me instantly said Mr Pickwick Tupman if I stay at Bury you can join me there when I write Till then goodbye Remonstrances were useless Mr Pickwick was roused and his mind was made up Mr Tupman returned to his companions and in another hour had drowned all present recollection of Mr Alfred Jingle or Mr Charles FitzMarshall in an exhilarating quadrille and a bottle of champagne By that time Mr Pickwick and Sam Weller perched on the outside of a stagecoach were every succeeding minute placing a less and less distance between themselves and the good old town of Bury St Edmunds CHAPTER XVI TOO FULL OF ADVENTURE TO BE BRIEFLY DESCRIBED There is no month in the whole year in which nature wears a more beautiful appearance than in the month of August Spring has many beauties and May is a fresh and blooming month but the charms of this time of year are enhanced by their contrast with the winter season August has no such advantage It comes when we remember nothing but clear skies green fields and sweetsmelling flowerswhen the recollection of snow and ice and bleak winds has faded from our minds as completely as they have disappeared from the earthand yet what a pleasant time it is Orchards and cornfields ring with the hum of labour trees bend beneath the thick clusters of rich fruit which bow their branches to the ground and the corn piled in graceful sheaves or waving in every light breath that sweeps above it as if it wooed the sickle tinges the landscape with a golden hue A mellow softness appears to hang over the whole earth the influence of the season seems to extend itself to the very wagon whose slow motion across the well reaped field is perceptible only to the eye but strikes with no harsh sound upon the ear As the coach rolls swiftly past the fields and orchards which skirt the road groups of women and children piling the fruit in sieves or gathering the scattered ears of corn pause for an instant from their labour and shading the sunburned face with a still browner hand gaze upon the passengers with curious eyes while some stout urchin too small to work but too mischievous to be left at home scrambles over the side of the basket in which he has been deposited for security and kicks and screams with delight The reaper stops in his work and stands with folded arms looking at the vehicle as it whirls past and the rough carthorses bestow a sleepy glance upon the smart coach team which says as plainly as a horses glance can Its all very fine to look at but slow going over a heavy field is better than warm work like that upon a dusty road after all You cast a look behind you as you turn a corner of the road The women and children have resumed their labour the reaper once more stoops to his work the carthorses have moved on and all are again in motion The influence of a scene like this was not lost upon the wellregulated mind of Mr Pickwick Intent upon the resolution he had formed of exposing the real character of the nefarious Jingle in any quarter in which he might be pursuing his fraudulent designs he sat at first taciturn and contemplative brooding over the means by which his purpose could be best attained By degrees his attention grew more and more attracted by the objects around him and at last he derived as much enjoyment from the ride as if it had been undertaken for the pleasantest reason in the world Delightful prospect Sam said Mr Pickwick Beats the chimbleypots Sir replied Mr Weller touching his hat I suppose you have hardly seen anything but chimneypots and bricks and mortar all your life Sam said Mr Pickwick smiling I wornt always a boots sir said Mr Weller with a shake of the head I wos a vaginers boy once When was that inquired Mr Pickwick When I wos first pitched neck and crop into the world to play at leap frog with its troubles replied Sam I wos a carriers boy at startin then a vaginers then a helper then a boots Now Im a genlmns servant I shall be a genlmn myself one of these days perhaps with a pipe in my mouth and a summerhouse in the backgarden Who knows I shouldnt be surprised for one You are quite a philosopher Sam said Mr Pickwick It runs in the family I blieve sir replied Mr Weller My fathers wery much in that line now If my motherinlaw blows him up he whistles She flies in a passion and breaks his pipe he steps out and gets another Then she screams wery loud and falls into sterics and he smokes wery comfortably till she comes to agin Thats philosophy Sir aint it A very good substitute for it at all events replied Mr Pickwick laughing It must have been of great service to you in the course of your rambling life Sam Service sir exclaimed Sam You may say that Arter I run away from the carrier and afore I took up with the vaginer I had unfurnished lodgins for a fortnight Unfurnished lodgings said Mr Pickwick Yesthe dry arches of Waterloo Bridge Fine sleepingplacevithin ten minutes walk of all the public officesonly if there is any objection to it it is that the sitivations rayther too airy I see some queer sights there Ah I suppose you did said Mr Pickwick with an air of considerable interest Sights sir resumed Mr Weller as ud penetrate your benevolent heart and come out on the other side You dont see the reglar wagrants there trust em they knows better than that Young beggars male and female as hasnt made a rise in their profession takes up their quarters there sometimes but its generally the wornout starving houseless creeturs as roll themselves in the dark corners o them lonesome placespoor creeturs as aint up to the twopenny rope And pray Sam what is the twopenny rope inquired Mr Pickwick The twopenny rope sir replied Mr Weller is just a cheap lodgin house where the beds is twopence a night What do they call a bed a rope for said Mr Pickwick Bless your innocence sir that aint it replied Sam Ven the lady and genlmn as keeps the hotel first begun business they used to make the beds on the floor but this wouldnt do at no price cos instead o taking a moderate twopennorth o sleep the lodgers used to lie there half the day So now they has two ropes bout six foot apart and three from the floor which goes right down the room and the beds are made of slips of coarse sacking stretched across em Well said Mr Pickwick Well said Mr Weller the adwantage o the plans hobvious At six oclock every mornin they lets go the ropes at one end and down falls the lodgers Consequence is that being thoroughly waked they get up wery quietly and walk away Beg your pardon sir said Sam suddenly breaking off in his loquacious discourse Is this Bury St Edmunds It is replied Mr Pickwick The coach rattled through the wellpaved streets of a handsome little town of thriving and cleanly appearance and stopped before a large inn situated in a wide open street nearly facing the old abbey And this said Mr Pickwick looking up Is the Angel We alight here Sam But some caution is necessary Order a private room and do not mention my name You understand Right as a trivet sir replied Mr Weller with a wink of intelligence and having dragged Mr Pickwicks portmanteau from the hind boot into which it had been hastily thrown when they joined the coach at Eatanswill Mr Weller disappeared on his errand A private room was speedily engaged and into it Mr Pickwick was ushered without delay Now Sam said Mr Pickwick the first thing to be done is to Order dinner Sir interposed Mr Weller Its wery late sir Ah so it is said Mr Pickwick looking at his watch You are right Sam And if I might adwise Sir added Mr Weller Id just have a good nights rest arterwards and not begin inquiring arter this here deep un till the mornin Theres nothin so refreshen as sleep sir as the servant girl said afore she drank the eggcupful of laudanum I think you are right Sam said Mr Pickwick But I must first ascertain that he is in the house and not likely to go away Leave that to me Sir said Sam Let me order you a snug little dinner and make my inquiries below while its agetting ready I could worm evry secret out O the bootss heart in five minutes Sir Do so said Mr Pickwick and Mr Weller at once retired In half an hour Mr Pickwick was seated at a very satisfactory dinner and in threequarters Mr Weller returned with the intelligence that Mr Charles FitzMarshall had ordered his private room to be retained for him until further notice He was going to spend the evening at some private house in the neighbourhood had ordered the boots to sit up until his return and had taken his servant with him Now sir argued Mr Weller when he had concluded his report if I can get a talk with this here servant in the mornin hell tell me all his masters concerns How do you know that interposed Mr Pickwick Bless your heart sir servants always do replied Mr Weller Oh ah I forgot that said Mr Pickwick Well Then you can arrange whats best to be done sir and we can act accordingly As it appeared that this was the best arrangement that could be made it was finally agreed upon Mr Weller by his masters permission retired to spend the evening in his own way and was shortly afterwards elected by the unanimous voice of the assembled company into the taproom chair in which honourable post he acquitted himself so much to the satisfaction of the gentlemenfrequenters that their roars of laughter and approbation penetrated to Mr Pickwicks bedroom and shortened the term of his natural rest by at least three hours Early on the ensuing morning Mr Weller was dispelling all the feverish remains of the previous evenings conviviality through the instrumentality of a halfpenny showerbath having induced a young gentleman attached to the stable department by the offer of that coin to pump over his head and face until he was perfectly restored when he was attracted by the appearance of a young fellow in mulberry coloured livery who was sitting on a bench in the yard reading what appeared to be a hymnbook with an air of deep abstraction but who occasionally stole a glance at the individual under the pump as if he took some interest in his proceedings nevertheless Youre a rum un to look at you are thought Mr Weller the first time his eyes encountered the glance of the stranger in the mulberry suit who had a large sallow ugly face very sunken eyes and a gigantic head from which depended a quantity of lank black hair Youre a rum un thought Mr Weller and thinking this he went on washing himself and thought no more about him Still the man kept glancing from his hymnbook to Sam and from Sam to his hymnbook as if he wanted to open a conversation So at last Sam by way of giving him an opportunity said with a familiar nod How are you governor I am happy to say I am pretty well Sir said the man speaking with great deliberation and closing the book I hope you are the same Sir Why if I felt less like a walking brandybottle I shouldnt be quite so staggery this mornin replied Sam Are you stoppin in this house old un The mulberry man replied in the affirmative How was it you wornt one of us last night inquired Sam scrubbing his face with the towel You seem one of the jolly sortlooks as conwivial as a live trout in a lime basket added Mr Weller in an undertone I was out last night with my master replied the stranger Whats his name inquired Mr Weller colouring up very red with sudden excitement and the friction of the towel combined FitzMarshall said the mulberry man Give us your hand said Mr Weller advancing I should like to know you I like your appearance old fellow Well that is very strange said the mulberry man with great simplicity of manner I like yours so much that I wanted to speak to you from the very first moment I saw you under the pump Did you though Upon my word Now isnt that curious Wery singler said Sam inwardly congratulating himself upon the softness of the stranger Whats your name my patriarch Job And a wery good name it is only one I know that aint got a nickname to it Whats the other name Trotter said the stranger What is yours Sam bore in mind his masters caution and replied My names Walker my masters names Wilkins Will you take a drop o somethin this mornin Mr Trotter Mr Trotter acquiesced in this agreeable proposal and having deposited his book in his coat pocket accompanied Mr Weller to the tap where they were soon occupied in discussing an exhilarating compound formed by mixing together in a pewter vessel certain quantities of British Hollands and the fragrant essence of the clove And what sort of a place have you got inquired Sam as he filled his companions glass for the second time Bad said Job smacking his lips very bad You dont mean that said Sam I do indeed Worse than that my masters going to be married No Yes and worse than that too hes going to run away with an immense rich heiress from boardingschool What a dragon said Sam refilling his companions glass Its some boardingschool in this town I suppose aint it Now although this question was put in the most careless tone imaginable Mr Job Trotter plainly showed by gestures that he perceived his new friends anxiety to draw forth an answer to it He emptied his glass looked mysteriously at his companion winked both of his small eyes one after the other and finally made a motion with his arm as if he were working an imaginary pumphandle thereby intimating that he Mr Trotter considered himself as undergoing the process of being pumped by Mr Samuel Weller No no said Mr Trotter in conclusion thats not to be told to everybody That is a secreta great secret Mr Walker As the mulberry man said this he turned his glass upside down by way of reminding his companion that he had nothing left wherewith to slake his thirst Sam observed the hint and feeling the delicate manner in which it was conveyed ordered the pewter vessel to be refilled whereat the small eyes of the mulberry man glistened And so its a secret said Sam I should rather suspect it was said the mulberry man sipping his liquor with a complacent face I suppose your masrs wery rich said Sam Mr Trotter smiled and holding his glass in his left hand gave four distinct slaps on the pockets of his mulberry indescribables with his right as if to intimate that his master might have done the same without alarming anybody much by the chinking of coin Ah said Sam thats the game is it The mulberry man nodded significantly Well and dont you think old feller remonstrated Mr Weller that if you let your master take in this here young lady youre a precious rascal I know that said Job Trotter turning upon his companion a countenance of deep contrition and groaning slightly I know that and thats what it is that preys upon my mind But what am I to do Do said Sam diwulge to the missis and give up your master Whod believe me replied Job Trotter The young ladys considered the very picture of innocence and discretion Shed deny it and so would my master Whod believe me I should lose my place and get indicted for a conspiracy or some such thing thats all I should take by my motion Theres somethin in that said Sam ruminating theres somethin in that If I knew any respectable gentleman who would take the matter up continued Mr Trotter I might have some hope of preventing the elopement but theres the same difficulty Mr Walker just the same I know no gentleman in this strange place and ten to one if I did whether he would believe my story Come this way said Sam suddenly jumping up and grasping the mulberry man by the arm My masrs the man you want I see And after a slight resistance on the part of Job Trotter Sam led his newlyfound friend to the apartment of Mr Pickwick to whom he presented him together with a brief summary of the dialogue we have just repeated I am very sorry to betray my master sir said Job Trotter applying to his eyes a pink checked pockethandkerchief about six inches square The feeling does you a great deal of honour replied Mr Pickwick but it is your duty nevertheless I know it is my duty Sir replied Job with great emotion We should all try to discharge our duty Sir and I humbly endeavour to discharge mine Sir but it is a hard trial to betray a master Sir whose clothes you wear and whose bread you eat even though he is a scoundrel Sir You are a very good fellow said Mr Pickwick much affected an honest fellow Come come interposed Sam who had witnessed Mr Trotters tears with considerable impatience blow this ere watercart bisness It wont do no good this wont Sam said Mr Pickwick reproachfully I am sorry to find that you have so little respect for this young mans feelings His feelins is all wery well Sir replied Mr Weller and as theyre so wery fine and its a pity he should lose em I think hed better keep em in his own buzzum than let em ewaporate in hot water specially as they do no good Tears never yet wound up a clock or worked a steam ingin The next time you go out to a smoking party young fellow fill your pipe with that ere reflection and for the present just put that bit of pink gingham into your pocket Taint so handsome that you need keep waving it about as if you was a tightrope dancer My man is in the right said Mr Pickwick accosting Job although his mode of expressing his opinion is somewhat homely and occasionally incomprehensible He is sir very right said Mr Trotter and I will give way no longer Very well said Mr Pickwick Now where is this boardingschool It is a large old red brick house just outside the town Sir replied Job Trotter And when said Mr Pickwickwhen is this villainous design to be carried into executionwhen is this elopement to take place Tonight Sir replied Job Tonight exclaimed Mr Pickwick This very night sir replied Job Trotter That is what alarms me so much Instant measures must be taken said Mr Pickwick I will see the lady who keeps the establishment immediately I beg your pardon Sir said Job but that course of proceeding will never do Why not inquired Mr Pickwick My master sir is a very artful man I know he is said Mr Pickwick And he has so wound himself round the old ladys heart Sir resumed Job that she would believe nothing to his prejudice if you went down on your bare knees and swore it especially as you have no proof but the word of a servant who for anything she knows and my master would be sure to say so was discharged for some fault and does this in revenge What had better be done then said Mr Pickwick Nothing but taking him in the very act of eloping will convince the old lady sir replied Job All them old cats will run their heads agin milestones observed Mr Weller in a parenthesis But this taking him in the very act of elopement would be a very difficult thing to accomplish I fear said Mr Pickwick I dont know sir said Mr Trotter after a few moments reflection I think it might be very easily done How was Mr Pickwicks inquiry Why replied Mr Trotter my master and I being in the confidence of the two servants will be secreted in the kitchen at ten oclock When the family have retired to rest we shall come out of the kitchen and the young lady out of her bedroom A postchaise will be waiting and away we go Well said Mr Pickwick Well sir I have been thinking that if you were in waiting in the garden behind alone Alone said Mr Pickwick Why alone I thought it very natural replied Job that the old lady wouldnt like such an unpleasant discovery to be made before more persons than can possibly be helped The young lady too sirconsider her feelings You are very right said Mr Pickwick The consideration evinces your delicacy of feeling Go on you are very right Well sir I have been thinking that if you were waiting in the back garden alone and I was to let you in at the door which opens into it from the end of the passage at exactly halfpast eleven oclock you would be just in the very moment of time to assist me in frustrating the designs of this bad man by whom I have been unfortunately ensnared Here Mr Trotter sighed deeply Dont distress yourself on that account said Mr Pickwick if he had one grain of the delicacy of feeling which distinguishes you humble as your station is I should have some hopes of him Job Trotter bowed low and in spite of Mr Wellers previous remonstrance the tears again rose to his eyes I never see such a feller said Sam Blessed if I dont think hes got a main in his head as is always turned on Sam said Mr Pickwick with great severity hold your tongue Wery well sir replied Mr Weller I dont like this plan said Mr Pickwick after deep meditation Why cannot I communicate with the young ladys friends Because they live one hundred miles from here sir responded Job Trotter Thats a clincher said Mr Weller aside Then this garden resumed Mr Pickwick How am I to get into it The wall is very low sir and your servant will give you a leg up My servant will give me a leg up repeated Mr Pickwick mechanically You will be sure to be near this door that you speak of You cannot mistake it Sir its the only one that opens into the garden Tap at it when you hear the clock strike and I will open it instantly I dont like the plan said Mr Pickwick but as I see no other and as the happiness of this young ladys whole life is at stake I adopt it I shall be sure to be there Thus for the second time did Mr Pickwicks innate goodfeeling involve him in an enterprise from which he would most willingly have stood aloof What is the name of the house inquired Mr Pickwick Westgate House Sir You turn a little to the right when you get to the end of the town it stands by itself some little distance off the high road with the name on a brass plate on the gate I know it said Mr Pickwick I observed it once before when I was in this town You may depend upon me Mr Trotter made another bow and turned to depart when Mr Pickwick thrust a guinea into his hand Youre a fine fellow said Mr Pickwick and I admire your goodness of heart No thanks Remembereleven oclock There is no fear of my forgetting it sir replied Job Trotter With these words he left the room followed by Sam I say said the latter not a bad notion that ere crying Id cry like a rainwater spout in a shower on such good terms How do you do it It comes from the heart Mr Walker replied Job solemnly Good morning sir Youre a soft customer you are weve got it all out o you anyhow thought Mr Weller as Job walked away We cannot state the precise nature of the thoughts which passed through Mr Trotters mind because we dont know what they were The day wore on evening came and at a little before ten oclock Sam Weller reported that Mr Jingle and Job had gone out together that their luggage was packed up and that they had ordered a chaise The plot was evidently in execution as Mr Trotter had foretold Halfpast ten oclock arrived and it was time for Mr Pickwick to issue forth on his delicate errand Resisting Sams tender of his greatcoat in order that he might have no encumbrance in scaling the wall he set forth followed by his attendant There was a bright moon but it was behind the clouds It was a fine dry night but it was most uncommonly dark Paths hedges fields houses and trees were enveloped in one deep shade The atmosphere was hot and sultry the summer lightning quivered faintly on the verge of the horizon and was the only sight that varied the dull gloom in which everything was wrappedsound there was none except the distant barking of some restless housedog They found the house read the brass plate walked round the wall and stopped at that portion of it which divided them from the bottom of the garden You will return to the inn Sam when you have assisted me over said Mr Pickwick Wery well Sir And you will sit up till I return Certnly Sir Take hold of my leg and when I say Over raise me gently All right sir Having settled these preliminaries Mr Pickwick grasped the top of the wall and gave the word Over which was literally obeyed Whether his body partook in some degree of the elasticity of his mind or whether Mr Wellers notions of a gentle push were of a somewhat rougher description than Mr Pickwicks the immediate effect of his assistance was to jerk that immortal gentleman completely over the wall on to the bed beneath where after crushing three gooseberrybushes and a rose tree he finally alighted at full length You hant hurt yourself I hope Sir said Sam in a loud whisper as soon as he had recovered from the surprise consequent upon the mysterious disappearance of his master I have not hurt myself Sam certainly replied Mr Pickwick from the other side of the wall but I rather think that you have hurt me I hope not Sir said Sam Never mind said Mr Pickwick rising its nothing but a few scratches Go away or we shall be overheard Goodbye Sir Goodbye With stealthy steps Sam Weller departed leaving Mr Pickwick alone in the garden Lights occasionally appeared in the different windows of the house or glanced from the staircases as if the inmates were retiring to rest Not caring to go too near the door until the appointed time Mr Pickwick crouched into an angle of the wall and awaited its arrival It was a situation which might well have depressed the spirits of many a man Mr Pickwick however felt neither depression nor misgiving He knew that his purpose was in the main a good one and he placed implicit reliance on the highminded Job It was dull certainly not to say dreary but a contemplative man can always employ himself in meditation Mr Pickwick had meditated himself into a doze when he was roused by the chimes of the neighbouring church ringing out the hourhalfpast eleven Thats the time thought Mr Pickwick getting cautiously on his feet He looked up at the house The lights had disappeared and the shutters were closedall in bed no doubt He walked on tiptoe to the door and gave a gentle tap Two or three minutes passing without any reply he gave another tap rather louder and then another rather louder than that At length the sound of feet was audible upon the stairs and then the light of a candle shone through the keyhole of the door There was a good deal of unchaining and unbolting and the door was slowly opened Now the door opened outwards and as the door opened wider and wider Mr Pickwick receded behind it more and more What was his astonishment when he just peeped out by way of caution to see that the person who had opened it wasnot Job Trotter but a servantgirl with a candle in her hand Mr Pickwick drew in his head again with the swiftness displayed by that admirable melodramatic performer Punch when he lies in wait for the flatheaded comedian with the tin box of music It must have been the cat Sarah said the girl addressing herself to some one in the house Puss puss pusstit tit tit But no animal being decoyed by these blandishments the girl slowly closed the door and refastened it leaving Mr Pickwick drawn up straight against the wall This is very curious thought Mr Pickwick They are sitting up beyond their usual hour I suppose Extremely unfortunate that they should have chosen this night of all others for such a purpose exceedingly And with these thoughts Mr Pickwick cautiously retired to the angle of the wall in which he had been before ensconced waiting until such time as he might deem it safe to repeat the signal He had not been here five minutes when a vivid flash of lightning was followed by a loud peal of thunder that crashed and rolled away in the distance with a terrific noisethen came another flash of lightning brighter than the other and a second peal of thunder louder than the first and then down came the rain with a force and fury that swept everything before it Mr Pickwick was perfectly aware that a tree is a very dangerous neighbour in a thunderstorm He had a tree on his right a tree on his left a third before him and a fourth behind If he remained where he was he might fall the victim of an accident if he showed himself in the centre of the garden he might be consigned to a constable Once or twice he tried to scale the wall but having no other legs this time than those with which Nature had furnished him the only effect of his struggles was to inflict a variety of very unpleasant gratings on his knees and shins and to throw him into a state of the most profuse perspiration What a dreadful situation said Mr Pickwick pausing to wipe his brow after this exercise He looked up at the houseall was dark They must be gone to bed now He would try the signal again He walked on tiptoe across the moist gravel and tapped at the door He held his breath and listened at the keyhole No reply very odd Another knock He listened again There was a low whispering inside and then a voice cried Whos there Thats not Job thought Mr Pickwick hastily drawing himself straight up against the wall again Its a woman He had scarcely had time to form this conclusion when a window above stairs was thrown up and three or four female voices repeated the queryWhos there Mr Pickwick dared not move hand or foot It was clear that the whole establishment was roused He made up his mind to remain where he was until the alarm had subsided and then by a supernatural effort to get over the wall or perish in the attempt Like all Mr Pickwicks determinations this was the best that could be made under the circumstances but unfortunately it was founded upon the assumption that they would not venture to open the door again What was his discomfiture when he heard the chain and bolts withdrawn and saw the door slowly opening wider and wider He retreated into the corner step by step but do what he would the interposition of his own person prevented its being opened to its utmost width Whos there screamed a numerous chorus of treble voices from the staircase inside consisting of the spinster lady of the establishment three teachers five female servants and thirty boarders all half dressed and in a forest of curlpapers Of course Mr Pickwick didnt say who was there and then the burden of the chorus changed intoLor I am so frightened Cook said the lady abbess who took care to be on the top stair the very last of the groupcook why dont you go a little way into the garden Please maam I dont like responded the cook Lor what a stupid thing that cook is said the thirty boarders Cook said the lady abbess with great dignity dont answer me if you please I insist upon your looking into the garden immediately Here the cook began to cry and the housemaid said it was a shame for which partisanship she received a months warning on the spot Do you hear cook said the lady abbess stamping her foot impatiently Dont you hear your missis cook said the three teachers What an impudent thing that cook is said the thirty boarders The unfortunate cook thus strongly urged advanced a step or two and holding her candle just where it prevented her from seeing at all declared there was nothing there and it must have been the wind The door was just going to be closed in consequence when an inquisitive boarder who had been peeping between the hinges set up a fearful screaming which called back the cook and housemaid and all the more adventurous in no time What is the matter with Miss Smithers said the lady abbess as the aforesaid Miss Smithers proceeded to go into hysterics of four young lady power Lor Miss Smithers dear said the other nineandtwenty boarders Oh the manthe manbehind the door screamed Miss Smithers The lady abbess no sooner heard this appalling cry than she retreated to her own bedroom doublelocked the door and fainted away comfortably The boarders and the teachers and the servants fell back upon the stairs and upon each other and never was such a screaming and fainting and struggling beheld In the midst of the tumult Mr Pickwick emerged from his concealment and presented himself amongst them Ladiesdear ladies said Mr Pickwick Oh he says were dear cried the oldest and ugliest teacher Oh the wretch Ladies roared Mr Pickwick rendered desperate by the danger of his situation Hear me I am no robber I want the lady of the house Oh what a ferocious monster screamed another teacher He wants Miss Tomkins Here there was a general scream Ring the alarm bell somebody cried a dozen voices Dontdont shouted Mr Pickwick Look at me Do I look like a robber My dear ladiesyou may bind me hand and leg or lock me up in a closet if you like Only hear what I have got to sayonly hear me How did you come in our garden faltered the housemaid Call the lady of the house and Ill tell her everything said Mr Pickwick exerting his lungs to the utmost pitch Call heronly be quiet and call her and you shall hear everything It might have been Mr Pickwicks appearance or it might have been his manner or it might have been the temptationirresistible to a female mindof hearing something at present enveloped in mystery that reduced the more reasonable portion of the establishment some four individuals to a state of comparative quiet By them it was proposed as a test of Mr Pickwicks sincerity that he should immediately submit to personal restraint and that gentleman having consented to hold a conference with Miss Tomkins from the interior of a closet in which the day boarders hung their bonnets and sandwichbags he at once stepped into it of his own accord and was securely locked in This revived the others and Miss Tomkins having been brought to and brought down the conference began What did you do in my garden man said Miss Tomkins in a faint voice I came to warn you that one of your young ladies was going to elope to night replied Mr Pickwick from the interior of the closet Elope exclaimed Miss Tomkins the three teachers the thirty boarders and the five servants Who with Your friend Mr Charles FitzMarshall My friend I dont know any such person Well Mr Jingle then I never heard the name in my life Then I have been deceived and deluded said Mr Pickwick I have been the victim of a conspiracya foul and base conspiracy Send to the Angel my dear maam if you dont believe me Send to the Angel for Mr Pickwicks manservant I implore you maam He must be respectablehe keeps a manservant said Miss Tomkins to the writing and ciphering governess Its my opinion Miss Tomkins said the writing and ciphering governess that his manservant keeps him I think hes a madman Miss Tomkins and the others his keeper I think you are very right Miss Gwynn responded Miss Tomkins Let two of the servants repair to the Angel and let the others remain here to protect us So two of the servants were despatched to the Angel in search of Mr Samuel Weller and the remaining three stopped behind to protect Miss Tomkins and the three teachers and the thirty boarders And Mr Pickwick sat down in the closet beneath a grove of sandwichbags and awaited the return of the messengers with all the philosophy and fortitude he could summon to his aid An hour and a half elapsed before they came back and when they did come Mr Pickwick recognised in addition to the voice of Mr Samuel Weller two other voices the tones of which struck familiarly on his ear but whose they were he could not for the life of him call to mind A very brief conversation ensued The door was unlocked Mr Pickwick stepped out of the closet and found himself in the presence of the whole establishment of Westgate House Mr Samuel Weller andold Wardle and his destined soninlaw Mr Trundle My dear friend said Mr Pickwick running forward and grasping Wardles hand my dear friend pray for Heavens sake explain to this lady the unfortunate and dreadful situation in which I am placed You must have heard it from my servant say at all events my dear fellow that I am neither a robber nor a madman I have said so my dear friend I have said so already replied Mr Wardle shaking the right hand of his friend while Mr Trundle shook the left And whoever says or has said he is interposed Mr Weller stepping forward says that which is not the truth but so far from it on the contrary quite the rewerse And if theres any number o men on these here premises as has said so I shall be wery happy to give em all a wery convincing proof o their being mistaken in this here wery room if these wery respectable ladies ll have the goodness to retire and order em up one at a time Having delivered this defiance with great volubility Mr Weller struck his open palm emphatically with his clenched fist and winked pleasantly on Miss Tomkins the intensity of whose horror at his supposing it within the bounds of possibility that there could be any men on the premises of Westgate House Establishment for Young Ladies it is impossible to describe Mr Pickwicks explanation having already been partially made was soon concluded But neither in the course of his walk home with his friends nor afterwards when seated before a blazing fire at the supper he so much needed could a single observation be drawn from him He seemed bewildered and amazed Once and only once he turned round to Mr Wardle and said How did you come here Trundle and I came down here for some good shooting on the first replied Wardle We arrived tonight and were astonished to hear from your servant that you were here too But I am glad you are said the old fellow slapping him on the backI am glad you are We shall have a jovial party on the first and well give Winkle another chanceeh old boy Mr Pickwick made no reply he did not even ask after his friends at Dingley Dell and shortly afterwards retired for the night desiring Sam to fetch his candle when he rung The bell did ring in due course and Mr Weller presented himself Sam said Mr Pickwick looking out from under the bedclothes Sir said Mr Weller Mr Pickwick paused and Mr Weller snuffed the candle Sam said Mr Pickwick again as if with a desperate effort Sir said Mr Weller once more Where is that Trotter Job sir Yes Gone sir With his master I suppose Friend or master or whatever he is hes gone with him replied Mr Weller Theres a pair on em sir Jingle suspected my design and set that fellow on you with this story I suppose said Mr Pickwick half choking Just that sir replied Mr Weller It was all false of course All sir replied Mr Weller Reglar do sir artful dodge I dont think hell escape us quite so easily the next time Sam said Mr Pickwick I dont think he will Sir Whenever I meet that Jingle again wherever it is said Mr Pickwick raising himself in bed and indenting his pillow with a tremendous blow Ill inflict personal chastisement on him in addition to the exposure he so richly merits I will or my name is not Pickwick And venever I catches hold o that there melancholly chap with the black hair said Sam if I dont bring some real water into his eyes for once in a way my name aint Weller Goodnight Sir CHAPTER XVII SHOWING THAT AN ATTACK OF RHEUMATISM IN SOME CASES ACTS AS A QUICKENER TO INVENTIVE GENIUS The constitution of Mr Pickwick though able to sustain a very considerable amount of exertion and fatigue was not proof against such a combination of attacks as he had undergone on the memorable night recorded in the last chapter The process of being washed in the night air and roughdried in a closet is as dangerous as it is peculiar Mr Pickwick was laid up with an attack of rheumatism But although the bodily powers of the great man were thus impaired his mental energies retained their pristine vigour His spirits were elastic his goodhumour was restored Even the vexation consequent upon his recent adventure had vanished from his mind and he could join in the hearty laughter which any allusion to it excited in Mr Wardle without anger and without embarrassment Nay more During the two days Mr Pickwick was confined to bed Sam was his constant attendant On the first he endeavoured to amuse his master by anecdote and conversation on the second Mr Pickwick demanded his writingdesk and pen and ink and was deeply engaged during the whole day On the third being able to sit up in his bedchamber he despatched his valet with a message to Mr Wardle and Mr Trundle intimating that if they would take their wine there that evening they would greatly oblige him The invitation was most willingly accepted and when they were seated over their wine Mr Pickwick with sundry blushes produced the following little tale as having been edited by himself during his recent indisposition from his notes of Mr Wellers unsophisticated recital THE PARISH CLERK A TALE OF TRUE LOVE Once upon a time in a very small country town at a considerable distance from London there lived a little man named Nathaniel Pipkin who was the parish clerk of the little town and lived in a little house in the little High Street within ten minutes walk from the little church and who was to be found every day from nine till four teaching a little learning to the little boys Nathaniel Pipkin was a harmless inoffensive goodnatured being with a turnedup nose and rather turnedin legs a cast in his eye and a halt in his gait and he divided his time between the church and his school verily believing that there existed not on the face of the earth so clever a man as the curate so imposing an apartment as the vestryroom or so wellordered a seminary as his own Once and only once in his life Nathaniel Pipkin had seen a bishopa real bishop with his arms in lawn sleeves and his head in a wig He had seen him walk and heard him talk at a confirmation on which momentous occasion Nathaniel Pipkin was so overcome with reverence and awe when the aforesaid bishop laid his hand on his head that he fainted right clean away and was borne out of church in the arms of the beadle This was a great event a tremendous era in Nathaniel Pipkins life and it was the only one that had ever occurred to ruffle the smooth current of his quiet existence when happening one fine afternoon in a fit of mental abstraction to raise his eyes from the slate on which he was devising some tremendous problem in compound addition for an offending urchin to solve they suddenly rested on the blooming countenance of Maria Lobbs the only daughter of old Lobbs the great saddler over the way Now the eyes of Mr Pipkin had rested on the pretty face of Maria Lobbs many a time and oft before at church and elsewhere but the eyes of Maria Lobbs had never looked so bright the cheeks of Maria Lobbs had never looked so ruddy as upon this particular occasion No wonder then that Nathaniel Pipkin was unable to take his eyes from the countenance of Miss Lobbs no wonder that Miss Lobbs finding herself stared at by a young man withdrew her head from the window out of which she had been peeping and shut the casement and pulled down the blind no wonder that Nathaniel Pipkin immediately thereafter fell upon the young urchin who had previously offended and cuffed and knocked him about to his hearts content All this was very natural and theres nothing at all to wonder at about it It is matter of wonder though that anyone of Mr Nathaniel Pipkins retiring disposition nervous temperament and most particularly diminutive income should from this day forth have dared to aspire to the hand and heart of the only daughter of the fiery old Lobbsof old Lobbs the great saddler who could have bought up the whole village at one stroke of his pen and never felt the outlayold Lobbs who was well known to have heaps of money invested in the bank at the nearest market townwho was reported to have countless and inexhaustible treasures hoarded up in the little iron safe with the big keyhole over the chimneypiece in the back parlourand who it was well known on festive occasions garnished his board with a real silver teapot cream ewer and sugarbasin which he was wont in the pride of his heart to boast should be his daughters property when she found a man to her mind I repeat it to be matter of profound astonishment and intense wonder that Nathaniel Pipkin should have had the temerity to cast his eyes in this direction But love is blind and Nathaniel had a cast in his eye and perhaps these two circumstances taken together prevented his seeing the matter in its proper light Now if old Lobbs had entertained the most remote or distant idea of the state of the affections of Nathaniel Pipkin he would just have razed the schoolroom to the ground or exterminated its master from the surface of the earth or committed some other outrage and atrocity of an equally ferocious and violent description for he was a terrible old fellow was Lobbs when his pride was injured or his blood was up Swear Such trains of oaths would come rolling and pealing over the way sometimes when he was denouncing the idleness of the bony apprentice with the thin legs that Nathaniel Pipkin would shake in his shoes with horror and the hair of the pupils heads would stand on end with fright Well Day after day when school was over and the pupils gone did Nathaniel Pipkin sit himself down at the front window and while he feigned to be reading a book throw sidelong glances over the way in search of the bright eyes of Maria Lobbs and he hadnt sat there many days before the bright eyes appeared at an upper window apparently deeply engaged in reading too This was delightful and gladdening to the heart of Nathaniel Pipkin It was something to sit there for hours together and look upon that pretty face when the eyes were cast down but when Maria Lobbs began to raise her eyes from her book and dart their rays in the direction of Nathaniel Pipkin his delight and admiration were perfectly boundless At last one day when he knew old Lobbs was out Nathaniel Pipkin had the temerity to kiss his hand to Maria Lobbs and Maria Lobbs instead of shutting the window and pulling down the blind kissed hers to him and smiled Upon which Nathaniel Pipkin determined that come what might he would develop the state of his feelings without further delay A prettier foot a gayer heart a more dimpled face or a smarter form never bounded so lightly over the earth they graced as did those of Maria Lobbs the old saddlers daughter There was a roguish twinkle in her sparkling eyes that would have made its way to far less susceptible bosoms than that of Nathaniel Pipkin and there was such a joyous sound in her merry laugh that the sternest misanthrope must have smiled to hear it Even old Lobbs himself in the very height of his ferocity couldnt resist the coaxing of his pretty daughter and when she and her cousin Katean arch impudentlooking bewitching little person made a dead set upon the old man together as to say the truth they very often did he could have refused them nothing even had they asked for a portion of the countless and inexhaustible treasures which were hidden from the light in the iron safe Nathaniel Pipkins heart beat high within him when he saw this enticing little couple some hundred yards before him one summers evening in the very field in which he had many a time strolled about till nighttime and pondered on the beauty of Maria Lobbs But though he had often thought then how briskly he would walk up to Maria Lobbs and tell her of his passion if he could only meet her he felt now that she was unexpectedly before him all the blood in his body mounting to his face manifestly to the great detriment of his legs which deprived of their usual portion trembled beneath him When they stopped to gather a hedge flower or listen to a bird Nathaniel Pipkin stopped too and pretended to be absorbed in meditation as indeed he really was for he was thinking what on earth he should ever do when they turned back as they inevitably must in time and meet him face to face But though he was afraid to make up to them he couldnt bear to lose sight of them so when they walked faster he walked faster when they lingered he lingered and when they stopped he stopped and so they might have gone on until the darkness prevented them if Kate had not looked slyly back and encouragingly beckoned Nathaniel to advance There was something in Kates manner that was not to be resisted and so Nathaniel Pipkin complied with the invitation and after a great deal of blushing on his part and immoderate laughter on that of the wicked little cousin Nathaniel Pipkin went down on his knees on the dewy grass and declared his resolution to remain there for ever unless he were permitted to rise the accepted lover of Maria Lobbs Upon this the merry laughter of Miss Lobbs rang through the calm evening airwithout seeming to disturb it though it had such a pleasant soundand the wicked little cousin laughed more immoderately than before and Nathaniel Pipkin blushed deeper than ever At length Maria Lobbs being more strenuously urged by the loveworn little man turned away her head and whispered her cousin to say or at all events Kate did say that she felt much honoured by Mr Pipkins addresses that her hand and heart were at her fathers disposal but that nobody could be insensible to Mr Pipkins merits As all this was said with much gravity and as Nathaniel Pipkin walked home with Maria Lobbs and struggled for a kiss at parting he went to bed a happy man and dreamed all night long of softening old Lobbs opening the strong box and marrying Maria The next day Nathaniel Pipkin saw old Lobbs go out upon his old gray pony and after a great many signs at the window from the wicked little cousin the object and meaning of which he could by no means understand the bony apprentice with the thin legs came over to say that his master wasnt coming home all night and that the ladies expected Mr Pipkin to tea at six oclock precisely How the lessons were got through that day neither Nathaniel Pipkin nor his pupils knew any more than you do but they were got through somehow and after the boys had gone Nathaniel Pipkin took till full six oclock to dress himself to his satisfaction Not that it took long to select the garments he should wear inasmuch as he had no choice about the matter but the putting of them on to the best advantage and the touching of them up previously was a task of no inconsiderable difficulty or importance There was a very snug little party consisting of Maria Lobbs and her cousin Kate and three or four romping goodhumoured rosycheeked girls Nathaniel Pipkin had ocular demonstration of the fact that the rumours of old Lobbss treasures were not exaggerated There were the real solid silver teapot creamewer and sugarbasin on the table and real silver spoons to stir the tea with and real china cups to drink it out of and plates of the same to hold the cakes and toast in The only eyesore in the whole place was another cousin of Maria Lobbss and a brother of Kate whom Maria Lobbs called Henry and who seemed to keep Maria Lobbs all to himself up in one corner of the table Its a delightful thing to see affection in families but it may be carried rather too far and Nathaniel Pipkin could not help thinking that Maria Lobbs must be very particularly fond of her relations if she paid as much attention to all of them as to this individual cousin After tea too when the wicked little cousin proposed a game at blind mans buff it somehow or other happened that Nathaniel Pipkin was nearly always blind and whenever he laid his hand upon the male cousin he was sure to find that Maria Lobbs was not far off And though the wicked little cousin and the other girls pinched him and pulled his hair and pushed chairs in his way and all sorts of things Maria Lobbs never seemed to come near him at all and onceonceNathaniel Pipkin could have sworn he heard the sound of a kiss followed by a faint remonstrance from Maria Lobbs and a halfsuppressed laugh from her female friends All this was oddvery oddand there is no saying what Nathaniel Pipkin might or might not have done in consequence if his thoughts had not been suddenly directed into a new channel The circumstance which directed his thoughts into a new channel was a loud knocking at the street door and the person who made this loud knocking at the street door was no other than old Lobbs himself who had unexpectedly returned and was hammering away like a coffinmaker for he wanted his supper The alarming intelligence was no sooner communicated by the bony apprentice with the thin legs than the girls tripped upstairs to Maria Lobbss bedroom and the male cousin and Nathaniel Pipkin were thrust into a couple of closets in the sitting room for want of any better places of concealment and when Maria Lobbs and the wicked little cousin had stowed them away and put the room to rights they opened the street door to old Lobbs who had never left off knocking since he first began Now it did unfortunately happen that old Lobbs being very hungry was monstrous cross Nathaniel Pipkin could hear him growling away like an old mastiff with a sore throat and whenever the unfortunate apprentice with the thin legs came into the room so surely did old Lobbs commence swearing at him in a most Saracenic and ferocious manner though apparently with no other end or object than that of easing his bosom by the discharge of a few superfluous oaths At length some supper which had been warming up was placed on the table and then old Lobbs fell to in regular style and having made clear work of it in no time kissed his daughter and demanded his pipe Nature had placed Nathaniel Pipkins knees in very close juxtaposition but when he heard old Lobbs demand his pipe they knocked together as if they were going to reduce each other to powder for depending from a couple of hooks in the very closet in which he stood was a large brownstemmed silverbowled pipe which pipe he himself had seen in the mouth of old Lobbs regularly every afternoon and evening for the last five years The two girls went downstairs for the pipe and upstairs for the pipe and everywhere but where they knew the pipe was and old Lobbs stormed away meanwhile in the most wonderful manner At last he thought of the closet and walked up to it It was of no use a little man like Nathaniel Pipkin pulling the door inwards when a great strong fellow like old Lobbs was pulling it outwards Old Lobbs gave it one tug and open it flew disclosing Nathaniel Pipkin standing bolt upright inside and shaking with apprehension from head to foot Bless us what an appalling look old Lobbs gave him as he dragged him out by the collar and held him at arms length Why what the devil do you want here said old Lobbs in a fearful voice Nathaniel Pipkin could make no reply so old Lobbs shook him backwards and forwards for two or three minutes by way of arranging his ideas for him What do you want here roared Lobbs I suppose you have come after my daughter now Old Lobbs merely said this as a sneer for he did not believe that mortal presumption could have carried Nathaniel Pipkin so far What was his indignation when that poor man replied Yes I did Mr Lobbs I did come after your daughter I love her Mr Lobbs Why you snivelling wryfaced puny villain gasped old Lobbs paralysed by the atrocious confession what do you mean by that Say this to my face Damme Ill throttle you It is by no means improbable that old Lobbs would have carried his threat into execution in the excess of his rage if his arm had not been stayed by a very unexpected apparition to wit the male cousin who stepping out of his closet and walking up to old Lobbs said I cannot allow this harmless person Sir who has been asked here in some girlish frolic to take upon himself in a very noble manner the fault if fault it is which I am guilty of and am ready to avow I love your daughter sir and I came here for the purpose of meeting her Old Lobbs opened his eyes very wide at this but not wider than Nathaniel Pipkin You did said Lobbs at last finding breath to speak I did And I forbade you this house long ago You did or I should not have been here clandestinely tonight I am sorry to record it of old Lobbs but I think he would have struck the cousin if his pretty daughter with her bright eyes swimming in tears had not clung to his arm Dont stop him Maria said the young man if he has the will to strike me let him I would not hurt a hair of his gray head for the riches of the world The old man cast down his eyes at this reproof and they met those of his daughter I have hinted once or twice before that they were very bright eyes and though they were tearful now their influence was by no means lessened Old Lobbs turned his head away as if to avoid being persuaded by them when as fortune would have it he encountered the face of the wicked little cousin who half afraid for her brother and half laughing at Nathaniel Pipkin presented as bewitching an expression of countenance with a touch of slyness in it too as any man old or young need look upon She drew her arm coaxingly through the old mans and whispered something in his ear and do what he would old Lobbs couldnt help breaking out into a smile while a tear stole down his cheek at the same time Five minutes after this the girls were brought down from the bedroom with a great deal of giggling and modesty and while the young people were making themselves perfectly happy old Lobbs got down the pipe and smoked it and it was a remarkable circumstance about that particular pipe of tobacco that it was the most soothing and delightful one he ever smoked Nathaniel Pipkin thought it best to keep his own counsel and by so doing gradually rose into high favour with old Lobbs who taught him to smoke in time and they used to sit out in the garden on the fine evenings for many years afterwards smoking and drinking in great state He soon recovered the effects of his attachment for we find his name in the parish register as a witness to the marriage of Maria Lobbs to her cousin and it also appears by reference to other documents that on the night of the wedding he was incarcerated in the village cage for having in a state of extreme intoxication committed sundry excesses in the streets in all of which he was aided and abetted by the bony apprentice with the thin legs CHAPTER XVIII BRIEFLY ILLUSTRATIVE OF TWO POINTS FIRST THE POWER OF HYSTERICS AND SECONDLY THE FORCE OF CIRCUMSTANCES For two days after the dejeune at Mrs Hunters the Pickwickians remained at Eatanswill anxiously awaiting the arrival of some intelligence from their revered leader Mr Tupman and Mr Snodgrass were once again left to their own means of amusement for Mr Winkle in compliance with a most pressing invitation continued to reside at Mr Potts house and to devote his time to the companionship of his amiable lady Nor was the occasional society of Mr Pott himself wanting to complete their felicity Deeply immersed in the intensity of his speculations for the public weal and the destruction of the Independent it was not the habit of that great man to descend from his mental pinnacle to the humble level of ordinary minds On this occasion however and as if expressly in compliment to any follower of Mr Pickwicks he unbent relaxed stepped down from his pedestal and walked upon the ground benignly adapting his remarks to the comprehension of the herd and seeming in outward form if not in spirit to be one of them Such having been the demeanour of this celebrated public character towards Mr Winkle it will be readily imagined that considerable surprise was depicted on the countenance of the latter gentleman when as he was sitting alone in the breakfastroom the door was hastily thrown open and as hastily closed on the entrance of Mr Pott who stalking majestically towards him and thrusting aside his proffered hand ground his teeth as if to put a sharper edge on what he was about to utter and exclaimed in a sawlike voice Serpent Sir exclaimed Mr Winkle starting from his chair Serpent Sir repeated Mr Pott raising his voice and then suddenly depressing it I said serpent sirmake the most of it When you have parted with a man at two oclock in the morning on terms of the utmost goodfellowship and he meets you again at halfpast nine and greets you as a serpent it is not unreasonable to conclude that something of an unpleasant nature has occurred meanwhile So Mr Winkle thought He returned Mr Potts gaze of stone and in compliance with that gentlemans request proceeded to make the most he could of the serpent The most however was nothing at all so after a profound silence of some minutes duration he said Serpent Sir Serpent Mr Pott What can you mean Sirthis is pleasantry Pleasantry sir exclaimed Pott with a motion of the hand indicative of a strong desire to hurl the Britannia metal teapot at the head of the visitor Pleasantry sirButno I will be calm I will be calm Sir in proof of his calmness Mr Pott flung himself into a chair and foamed at the mouth My dear sir interposed Mr Winkle DEAR Sir replied Pott How dare you address me as dear Sir Sir How dare you look me in the face and do it sir Well Sir if you come to that responded Mr Winkle how dare you look me in the face and call me a serpent sir Because you are one replied Mr Pott Prove it Sir said Mr Winkle warmly Prove it A malignant scowl passed over the profound face of the editor as he drew from his pocket the Independent of that morning and laying his finger on a particular paragraph threw the journal across the table to Mr Winkle That gentleman took it up and read as follows Our obscure and filthy contemporary in some disgusting observations on the recent election for this borough has presumed to violate the hallowed sanctity of private life and to refer in a manner not to be misunderstood to the personal affairs of our late candidateaye and notwithstanding his base defeat we will add our future member Mr Fizkin What does our dastardly contemporary mean What would the ruffian say if we setting at naught like him the decencies of social intercourse were to raise the curtain which happily conceals His private life from general ridicule not to say from general execration What if we were even to point out and comment on facts and circumstances which are publicly notorious and beheld by every one but our moleeyed contemporarywhat if we were to print the following effusion which we received while we were writing the commencement of this article from a talented fellowtownsman and correspondent LINES TO A BRASS POT Oh Pott if youd known How false shed have grown When you heard the marriage bells tinkle Youd have done then I vow What you cannot help now What said Mr Pott solemnlywhat rhymes to tinkle villain What rhymes to tinkle said Mrs Pott whose entrance at the moment forestalled the reply What rhymes to tinkle Why Winkle I should conceive Saying this Mrs Pott smiled sweetly on the disturbed Pickwickian and extended her hand towards him The agitated young man would have accepted it in his confusion had not Pott indignantly interposed Back maamback said the editor Take his hand before my very face Mr P said his astonished lady Wretched woman look here exclaimed the husband Look here maam Lines to a Brass Pot Brass Pot thats me maam False shed have grown thats you maamyou With this ebullition of rage which was not unaccompanied with something like a tremble at the expression of his wifes face Mr Pott dashed the current number of the Eatanswill Independent at her feet Upon my word Sir said the astonished Mrs Pott stooping to pick up the paper Upon my word Sir Mr Pott winced beneath the contemptuous gaze of his wife He had made a desperate struggle to screw up his courage but it was fast coming unscrewed again There appears nothing very tremendous in this little sentence Upon my word sir when it comes to be read but the tone of voice in which it was delivered and the look that accompanied it both seeming to bear reference to some revenge to be thereafter visited upon the head of Pott produced their effect upon him The most unskilful observer could have detected in his troubled countenance a readiness to resign his Wellington boots to any efficient substitute who would have consented to stand in them at that moment Mrs Pott read the paragraph uttered a loud shriek and threw herself at full length on the hearthrug screaming and tapping it with the heels of her shoes in a manner which could leave no doubt of the propriety of her feelings on the occasion My dear said the terrified Pott I didnt say I believed itI but the unfortunate mans voice was drowned in the screaming of his partner Mrs Pott let me entreat you my dear maam to compose yourself said Mr Winkle but the shrieks and tappings were louder and more frequent than ever My dear said Mr Pott Im very sorry If you wont consider your own health consider me my dear We shall have a crowd round the house But the more strenuously Mr Pott entreated the more vehemently the screams poured forth Very fortunately however attached to Mrs Potts person was a bodyguard of one a young lady whose ostensible employment was to preside over her toilet but who rendered herself useful in a variety of ways and in none more so than in the particular department of constantly aiding and abetting her mistress in every wish and inclination opposed to the desires of the unhappy Pott The screams reached this young ladys ears in due course and brought her into the room with a speed which threatened to derange materially the very exquisite arrangement of her cap and ringlets Oh my dear dear mistress exclaimed the bodyguard kneeling frantically by the side of the prostrate Mrs Pott Oh my dear mistress what is the matter Your masteryour brutal master murmured the patient Pott was evidently giving way Its a shame said the bodyguard reproachfully I know hell be the death on you maam Poor dear thing He gave way more The opposite party followed up the attack Oh dont leave medont leave me Goodwin murmured Mrs Pott clutching at the wrist of the said Goodwin with an hysteric jerk Youre the only person thats kind to me Goodwin At this affecting appeal Goodwin got up a little domestic tragedy of her own and shed tears copiously Never maamnever said Goodwin Oh sir you should be careful you should indeed you dont know what harm you may do missis youll be sorry for it one day I knowIve always said so The unlucky Pott looked timidly on but said nothing Goodwin said Mrs Pott in a soft voice Maam said Goodwin If you only knew how I have loved that man Dont distress yourself by recollecting it maam said the bodyguard Pott looked very frightened It was time to finish him And now sobbed Mrs Pott now after all to be treated in this way to be reproached and insulted in the presence of a third party and that party almost a stranger But I will not submit to it Goodwin continued Mrs Pott raising herself in the arms of her attendant my brother the lieutenant shall interfere Ill be separated Goodwin It would certainly serve him right maam said Goodwin Whatever thoughts the threat of a separation might have awakened in Mr Potts mind he forbore to give utterance to them and contented himself by saying with great humility My dear will you hear me A fresh train of sobs was the only reply as Mrs Pott grew more hysterical requested to be informed why she was ever born and required sundry other pieces of information of a similar description My dear remonstrated Mr Pott do not give way to these sensitive feelings I never believed that the paragraph had any foundation my dearimpossible I was only angry my dearI may say outrageouswith the Independent people for daring to insert it thats all Mr Pott cast an imploring look at the innocent cause of the mischief as if to entreat him to say nothing about the serpent And what steps sir do you mean to take to obtain redress inquired Mr Winkle gaining courage as he saw Pott losing it Oh Goodwin observed Mrs Pott does he mean to horsewhip the editor of the Independentdoes he Goodwin Hush hush maam pray keep yourself quiet replied the bodyguard I dare say he will if you wish it maam Certainly said Pott as his wife evinced decided symptoms of going off again Of course I shall When Goodwinwhen said Mrs Pott still undecided about the going off Immediately of course said Mr Pott before the day is out Oh Goodwin resumed Mrs Pott its the only way of meeting the slander and setting me right with the world Certainly maam replied Goodwin No man as is a man maam could refuse to do it So as the hysterics were still hovering about Mr Pott said once more that he would do it but Mrs Pott was so overcome at the bare idea of having ever been suspected that she was half a dozen times on the very verge of a relapse and most unquestionably would have gone off had it not been for the indefatigable efforts of the assiduous Goodwin and repeated entreaties for pardon from the conquered Pott and finally when that unhappy individual had been frightened and snubbed down to his proper level Mrs Pott recovered and they went to breakfast You will not allow this base newspaper slander to shorten your stay here Mr Winkle said Mrs Pott smiling through the traces of her tears I hope not said Mr Pott actuated as he spoke by a wish that his visitor would choke himself with the morsel of dry toast which he was raising to his lips at the moment and so terminate his stay effectually I hope not You are very good said Mr Winkle but a letter has been received from Mr Pickwickso I learn by a note from Mr Tupman which was brought up to my bedroom door this morningin which he requests us to join him at Bury today and we are to leave by the coach at noon But you will come back said Mrs Pott Oh certainly replied Mr Winkle You are quite sure said Mrs Pott stealing a tender look at her visitor Quite responded Mr Winkle The breakfast passed off in silence for each of the party was brooding over his or her own personal grievances Mrs Pott was regretting the loss of a beau Mr Pott his rash pledge to horsewhip the Independent Mr Winkle his having innocently placed himself in so awkward a situation Noon approached and after many adieux and promises to return he tore himself away If he ever comes back Ill poison him thought Mr Pott as he turned into the little back office where he prepared his thunderbolts If I ever do come back and mix myself up with these people again thought Mr Winkle as he wended his way to the Peacock I shall deserve to be horsewhipped myselfthats all His friends were ready the coach was nearly so and in half an hour they were proceeding on their journey along the road over which Mr Pickwick and Sam had so recently travelled and of which as we have already said something we do not feel called upon to extract Mr Snodgrasss poetical and beautiful description Mr Weller was standing at the door of the Angel ready to receive them and by that gentleman they were ushered to the apartment of Mr Pickwick where to the no small surprise of Mr Winkle and Mr Snodgrass and the no small embarrassment of Mr Tupman they found old Wardle and Trundle How are you said the old man grasping Mr Tupmans hand Dont hang back or look sentimental about it it cant be helped old fellow For her sake I wish youd had her for your own Im very glad you have not A young fellow like you will do better one of these days eh With this conclusion Wardle slapped Mr Tupman on the back and laughed heartily Well and how are you my fine fellows said the old gentleman shaking hands with Mr Winkle and Mr Snodgrass at the same time I have just been telling Pickwick that we must have you all down at Christmas Were going to have a weddinga real wedding this time A wedding exclaimed Mr Snodgrass turning very pale Yes a wedding But dont be frightened said the goodhumoured old man its only Trundle there and Bella Oh is that all said Mr Snodgrass relieved from a painful doubt which had fallen heavily on his breast Give you joy Sir How is Joe Very well replied the old gentleman Sleepy as ever And your mother and the clergyman and all of em Quite well Where said Mr Tupman with an effortwhere isshe Sir and he turned away his head and covered his eyes with his hand She said the old gentleman with a knowing shake of the head Do you mean my single relativeeh Mr Tupman by a nod intimated that his question applied to the disappointed Rachael Oh shes gone away said the old gentleman Shes living at a relations far enough off She couldnt bear to see the girls so I let her go But come Heres the dinner You must be hungry after your ride I am without any ride at all so let us fall to Ample justice was done to the meal and when they were seated round the table after it had been disposed of Mr Pickwick to the intense horror and indignation of his followers related the adventure he had undergone and the success which had attended the base artifices of the diabolical Jingle And the attack of rheumatism which I caught in that garden said Mr Pickwick in conclusion renders me lame at this moment I too have had something of an adventure said Mr Winkle with a smile and at the request of Mr Pickwick he detailed the malicious libel of the Eatanswill Independent and the consequent excitement of their friend the editor Mr Pickwicks brow darkened during the recital His friends observed it and when Mr Winkle had concluded maintained a profound silence Mr Pickwick struck the table emphatically with his clenched fist and spoke as follows Is it not a wonderful circumstance said Mr Pickwick that we seem destined to enter no mans house without involving him in some degree of trouble Does it not I ask bespeak the indiscretion or worse than that the blackness of heartthat I should say soof my followers that beneath whatever roof they locate they disturb the peace of mind and happiness of some confiding female Is it not I say Mr Pickwick would in all probability have gone on for some time had not the entrance of Sam with a letter caused him to break off in his eloquent discourse He passed his handkerchief across his forehead took off his spectacles wiped them and put them on again and his voice had recovered its wonted softness of tone when he said What have you there Sam Called at the postoffice just now and found this here letter as has laid there for two days replied Mr Weller Its sealed vith a vafer and directed in round hand I dont know this hand said Mr Pickwick opening the letter Mercy on us whats this It must be a jest ititcant be true Whats the matter was the general inquiry Nobody dead is there said Wardle alarmed at the horror in Mr Pickwicks countenance Mr Pickwick made no reply but pushing the letter across the table and desiring Mr Tupman to read it aloud fell back in his chair with a look of vacant astonishment quite alarming to behold Mr Tupman with a trembling voice read the letter of which the following is a copy Freemans Court Cornhill August 28th 1827 Bardell against Pickwick Sir Having been instructed by Mrs Martha Bardell to commence an action against you for a breach of promise of marriage for which the plaintiff lays her damages at fifteen hundred pounds we beg to inform you that a writ has been issued against you in this suit in the Court of Common Pleas and request to know by return of post the name of your attorney in London who will accept service thereof We are Sir Your obedient servants Dodson Fogg Mr Samuel Pickwick There was something so impressive in the mute astonishment with which each man regarded his neighbour and every man regarded Mr Pickwick that all seemed afraid to speak The silence was at length broken by Mr Tupman Dodson and Fogg he repeated mechanically Bardell and Pickwick said Mr Snodgrass musing Peace of mind and happiness of confiding females murmured Mr Winkle with an air of abstraction Its a conspiracy said Mr Pickwick at length recovering the power of speech a base conspiracy between these two grasping attorneys Dodson and Fogg Mrs Bardell would never do itshe hasnt the heart to do itshe hasnt the case to do it Ridiculousridiculous Of her heart said Wardle with a smile you should certainly be the best judge I dont wish to discourage you but I should certainly say that of her case Dodson and Fogg are far better judges than any of us can be Its a vile attempt to extort money said Mr Pickwick I hope it is said Wardle with a short dry cough Who ever heard me address her in any way but that in which a lodger would address his landlady continued Mr Pickwick with great vehemence Who ever saw me with her Not even my friends here Except on one occasion said Mr Tupman Mr Pickwick changed colour Ah said Mr Wardle Well thats important There was nothing suspicious then I suppose Mr Tupman glanced timidly at his leader Why said he there was nothing suspicious butI dont know how it happened mindshe certainly was reclining in his arms Gracious powers ejaculated Mr Pickwick as the recollection of the scene in question struck forcibly upon him what a dreadful instance of the force of circumstances So she wasso she was And our friend was soothing her anguish said Mr Winkle rather maliciously So I was said Mr Pickwick I dont deny it So I was Hollo said Wardle for a case in which theres nothing suspicious this looks rather queereh Pickwick Ah sly dogsly dog and he laughed till the glasses on the sideboard rang again What a dreadful conjunction of appearances exclaimed Mr Pickwick resting his chin upon his hands WinkleTupmanI beg your pardon for the observations I made just now We are all the victims of circumstances and I the greatest With this apology Mr Pickwick buried his head in his hands and ruminated while Wardle measured out a regular circle of nods and winks addressed to the other members of the company Ill have it explained though said Mr Pickwick raising his head and hammering the table Ill see this Dodson and Fogg Ill go to London tomorrow Not tomorrow said Wardle youre too lame Well then next day Next day is the first of September and youre pledged to ride out with us as far as Sir Geoffrey Mannings grounds at all events and to meet us at lunch if you dont take the field Well then the day after said Mr Pickwick ThursdaySam Sir replied Mr Weller Take two places outside to London on Thursday morning for yourself and me Wery well Sir Mr Weller left the room and departed slowly on his errand with his hands in his pocket and his eyes fixed on the ground Rum feller the hemperor said Mr Weller as he walked slowly up the street Think o his makin up to that ere Mrs Bardellvith a little boy too Always the vay vith these here old uns howsoever as is such steady goers to look at I didnt think hed ha done it thoughI didnt think hed ha done it Moralising in this strain Mr Samuel Weller bent his steps towards the bookingoffice CHAPTER XIX A PLEASANT DAY WITH AN UNPLEASANT TERMINATION The birds who happily for their own peace of mind and personal comfort were in blissful ignorance of the preparations which had been making to astonish them on the first of September hailed it no doubt as one of the pleasantest mornings they had seen that season Many a young partridge who strutted complacently among the stubble with all the finicking coxcombry of youth and many an older one who watched his levity out of his little round eye with the contemptuous air of a bird of wisdom and experience alike unconscious of their approaching doom basked in the fresh morning air with lively and blithesome feelings and a few hours afterwards were laid low upon the earth But we grow affecting let us proceed In plain commonplace matteroffact then it was a fine morningso fine that you would scarcely have believed that the few months of an English summer had yet flown by Hedges fields and trees hill and moorland presented to the eye their evervarying shades of deep rich green scarce a leaf had fallen scarce a sprinkle of yellow mingled with the hues of summer warned you that autumn had begun The sky was cloudless the sun shone out bright and warm the songs of birds the hum of myriads of summer insects filled the air and the cottage gardens crowded with flowers of every rich and beautiful tint sparkled in the heavy dew like beds of glittering jewels Everything bore the stamp of summer and none of its beautiful colour had yet faded from the die Such was the morning when an open carriage in which were three Pickwickians Mr Snodgrass having preferred to remain at home Mr Wardle and Mr Trundle with Sam Weller on the box beside the driver pulled up by a gate at the roadside before which stood a tall raw boned gamekeeper and a halfbooted leatherlegginged boy each bearing a bag of capacious dimensions and accompanied by a brace of pointers I say whispered Mr Winkle to Wardle as the man let down the steps they dont suppose were going to kill game enough to fill those bags do they Fill them exclaimed old Wardle Bless you yes You shall fill one and I the other and when weve done with them the pockets of our shootingjackets will hold as much more Mr Winkle dismounted without saying anything in reply to this observation but he thought within himself that if the party remained in the open air till he had filled one of the bags they stood a considerable chance of catching colds in their heads Hi Juno lasshi old girl down Daph down said Wardle caressing the dogs Sir Geoffrey still in Scotland of course Martin The tall gamekeeper replied in the affirmative and looked with some surprise from Mr Winkle who was holding his gun as if he wished his coat pocket to save him the trouble of pulling the trigger to Mr Tupman who was holding his as if he was afraid of itas there is no earthly reason to doubt he really was My friends are not much in the way of this sort of thing yet Martin said Wardle noticing the look Live and learn you know Theyll be good shots one of these days I beg my friend Winkles pardon though he has had some practice Mr Winkle smiled feebly over his blue neckerchief in acknowledgment of the compliment and got himself so mysteriously entangled with his gun in his modest confusion that if the piece had been loaded he must inevitably have shot himself dead upon the spot You mustnt handle your piece in that ere way when you come to have the charge in it Sir said the tall gamekeeper gruffly or Im damned if you wont make cold meat of some on us Mr Winkle thus admonished abruptly altered his position and in so doing contrived to bring the barrel into pretty smart contact with Mr Wellers head Hollo said Sam picking up his hat which had been knocked off and rubbing his temple Hollo sir if you comes it this vay youll fill one o them bags and something to spare at one fire Here the leatherlegginged boy laughed very heartily and then tried to look as if it was somebody else whereat Mr Winkle frowned majestically Where did you tell the boy to meet us with the snack Martin inquired Wardle Side of Onetree Hill at twelve oclock Sir Thats not Sir Geoffreys land is it No Sir but its close by it Its Captain Boldwigs land but therell be nobody to interrupt us and theres a fine bit of turf there Very well said old Wardle Now the sooner were off the better Will you join us at twelve then Pickwick Mr Pickwick was particularly desirous to view the sport the more especially as he was rather anxious in respect of Mr Winkles life and limbs On so inviting a morning too it was very tantalising to turn back and leave his friends to enjoy themselves It was therefore with a very rueful air that he replied Why I suppose I must Aint the gentleman a shot Sir inquired the long gamekeeper No replied Wardle and hes lame besides I should very much like to go said Mr Pickwickvery much There was a short pause of commiseration Theres a barrow tother side the hedge said the boy If the gentlemans servant would wheel along the paths he could keep nigh us and we could lift it over the stiles and that The wery thing said Mr Weller who was a party interested inasmuch as he ardently longed to see the sport The wery thing Well said Smallcheek Ill have it out in a minute But here a difficulty arose The long gamekeeper resolutely protested against the introduction into a shooting party of a gentleman in a barrow as a gross violation of all established rules and precedents It was a great objection but not an insurmountable one The gamekeeper having been coaxed and feed and having moreover eased his mind by punching the head of the inventive youth who had first suggested the use of the machine Mr Pickwick was placed in it and off the party set Wardle and the long gamekeeper leading the way and Mr Pickwick in the barrow propelled by Sam bringing up the rear Stop Sam said Mr Pickwick when they had got half across the first field Whats the matter now said Wardle I wont suffer this barrow to be moved another step said Mr Pickwick resolutely unless Winkle carries that gun of his in a different manner How am I to carry it said the wretched Winkle Carry it with the muzzle to the ground replied Mr Pickwick Its so unsportsmanlike reasoned Winkle I dont care whether its unsportsmanlike or not replied Mr Pickwick I am not going to be shot in a wheelbarrow for the sake of appearances to please anybody I know the gentlemanll put that ere charge into somebody afore hes done growled the long man Well wellI dont mind said poor Winkle turning his gunstock uppermostthere Anythin for a quiet life said Mr Weller and on they went again Stop said Mr Pickwick after they had gone a few yards farther What now said Wardle That gun of Tupmans is not safe I know it isnt said Mr Pickwick Eh What not safe said Mr Tupman in a tone of great alarm Not as you are carrying it said Mr Pickwick I am very sorry to make any further objection but I cannot consent to go on unless you carry it as Winkle does his I think you had better sir said the long gamekeeper or youre quite as likely to lodge the charge in yourself as in anything else Mr Tupman with the most obliging haste placed his piece in the position required and the party moved on again the two amateurs marching with reversed arms like a couple of privates at a royal funeral The dogs suddenly came to a dead stop and the party advancing stealthily a single pace stopped too Whats the matter with the dogs legs whispered Mr Winkle How queer theyre standing Hush cant you replied Wardle softly Dont you see theyre making a point Making a point said Mr Winkle staring about him as if he expected to discover some particular beauty in the landscape which the sagacious animals were calling special attention to Making a point What are they pointing at Keep your eyes open said Wardle not heeding the question in the excitement of the moment Now then There was a sharp whirring noise that made Mr Winkle start back as if he had been shot himself Bang bang went a couple of gunsthe smoke swept quickly away over the field and curled into the air Where are they said Mr Winkle in a state of the highest excitement turning round and round in all directions Where are they Tell me when to fire Where are theywhere are they Where are they said Wardle taking up a brace of birds which the dogs had deposited at his feet Why here they are No no I mean the others said the bewildered Winkle Far enough off by this time replied Wardle coolly reloading his gun We shall very likely be up with another covey in five minutes said the long gamekeeper If the gentleman begins to fire now perhaps hell just get the shot out of the barrel by the time they rise Ha ha ha roared Mr Weller Sam said Mr Pickwick compassionating his followers confusion and embarrassment Sir Dont laugh Certainly not Sir So by way of indemnification Mr Weller contorted his features from behind the wheelbarrow for the exclusive amusement of the boy with the leggings who thereupon burst into a boisterous laugh and was summarily cuffed by the long gamekeeper who wanted a pretext for turning round to hide his own merriment Bravo old fellow said Wardle to Mr Tupman you fired that time at all events Oh yes replied Mr Tupman with conscious pride I let it off Well done Youll hit something next time if you look sharp Very easy aint it Yes its very easy said Mr Tupman How it hurts ones shoulder though It nearly knocked me backwards I had no idea these small firearms kicked so Ah said the old gentleman smiling youll get used to it in time Now thenall readyall right with the barrow there All right Sir replied Mr Weller Come along then Hold hard Sir said Sam raising the barrow Aye aye replied Mr Pickwick and on they went as briskly as need be Keep that barrow back now cried Wardle when it had been hoisted over a stile into another field and Mr Pickwick had been deposited in it once more All right sir replied Mr Weller pausing Now Winkle said the old gentleman follow me softly and dont be too late this time Never fear said Mr Winkle Are they pointing No no not now Quietly now quietly On they crept and very quietly they would have advanced if Mr Winkle in the performance of some very intricate evolutions with his gun had not accidentally fired at the most critical moment over the boys head exactly in the very spot where the tall mans brain would have been had he been there instead Why what on earth did you do that for said old Wardle as the birds flew unharmed away I never saw such a gun in my life replied poor Mr Winkle looking at the lock as if that would do any good It goes off of its own accord It will do it Will do it echoed Wardle with something of irritation in his manner I wish it would kill something of its own accord Itll do that afore long Sir observed the tall man in a low prophetic voice What do you mean by that observation Sir inquired Mr Winkle angrily Never mind Sir never mind replied the long gamekeeper Ive no family myself sir and this here boys mother will get something handsome from Sir Geoffrey if hes killed on his land Load again Sir load again Take away his gun cried Mr Pickwick from the barrow horrorstricken at the long mans dark insinuations Take away his gun do you hear somebody Nobody however volunteered to obey the command and Mr Winkle after darting a rebellious glance at Mr Pickwick reloaded his gun and proceeded onwards with the rest We are bound on the authority of Mr Pickwick to state that Mr Tupmans mode of proceeding evinced far more of prudence and deliberation than that adopted by Mr Winkle Still this by no means detracts from the great authority of the latter gentleman on all matters connected with the field because as Mr Pickwick beautifully observes it has somehow or other happened from time immemorial that many of the best and ablest philosophers who have been perfect lights of science in matters of theory have been wholly unable to reduce them to practice Mr Tupmans process like many of our most sublime discoveries was extremely simple With the quickness and penetration of a man of genius he had at once observed that the two great points to be attained were first to discharge his piece without injury to himself and secondly to do so without danger to the bystandersobviously the best thing to do after surmounting the difficulty of firing at all was to shut his eyes firmly and fire into the air On one occasion after performing this feat Mr Tupman on opening his eyes beheld a plump partridge in the act of falling wounded to the ground He was on the point of congratulating Mr Wardle on his invariable success when that gentleman advanced towards him and grasped him warmly by the hand Tupman said the old gentleman you singled out that particular bird No said Mr Tupmanno You did said Wardle I saw you do itI observed you pick him outI noticed you as you raised your piece to take aim and I will say this that the best shot in existence could not have done it more beautifully You are an older hand at this than I thought you Tupman you have been out before It was in vain for Mr Tupman to protest with a smile of selfdenial that he never had The very smile was taken as evidence to the contrary and from that time forth his reputation was established It is not the only reputation that has been acquired as easily nor are such fortunate circumstances confined to partridgeshooting Meanwhile Mr Winkle flashed and blazed and smoked away without producing any material results worthy of being noted down sometimes expending his charge in midair and at others sending it skimming along so near the surface of the ground as to place the lives of the two dogs on a rather uncertain and precarious tenure As a display of fancy shooting it was extremely varied and curious as an exhibition of firing with any precise object it was upon the whole perhaps a failure It is an established axiom that every bullet has its billet If it apply in an equal degree to shot those of Mr Winkle were unfortunate foundlings deprived of their natural rights cast loose upon the world and billeted nowhere Well said Wardle walking up to the side of the barrow and wiping the streams of perspiration from his jolly red face smoking day isnt it It is indeed replied Mr Pickwick The sun is tremendously hot even to me I dont know how you must feel it Why said the old gentleman pretty hot Its past twelve though You see that green hill there Certainly Thats the place where we are to lunch and by Jove theres the boy with the basket punctual as clockwork So he is said Mr Pickwick brightening up Good boy that Ill give him a shilling presently Now then Sam wheel away Hold on sir said Mr Weller invigorated with the prospect of refreshments Out of the vay young leathers If you walley my precious life dont upset me as the genlmn said to the driver when they was acarryin him to Tyburn And quickening his pace to a sharp run Mr Weller wheeled his master nimbly to the green hill shot him dexterously out by the very side of the basket and proceeded to unpack it with the utmost despatch Weal pie said Mr Weller soliloquising as he arranged the eatables on the grass Wery good thing is weal pie when you know the lady as made it and is quite sure it aint kittens and arter all though wheres the odds when theyre so like weal that the wery piemen themselves dont know the difference Dont they Sam said Mr Pickwick Not they sir replied Mr Weller touching his hat I lodged in the same house vith a pieman once sir and a wery nice man he wasreglar clever chap toomake pies out o anything he could What a number o cats you keep Mr Brooks says I when Id got intimate with him Ah says he I doa good many says he You must be wery fond o cats says I Other people is says he awinkin at me they aint in season till the winter though says he Not in season says I No says he fruits is in cats is out Why what do you mean says I Mean says he That Ill never be a party to the combination o the butchers to keep up the price o meat says he Mr Weller says he asqueezing my hand wery hard and vispering in my eardont mention this here aginbut its the seasonin as does it Theyre all made o them noble animals says he apointin to a wery nice little tabby kitten and I seasons em for beefsteak weal or kidney cording to the demand And more than that says he I can make a weal a beef steak or a beefsteak a kidney or any one on em a mutton at a minutes notice just as the market changes and appetites wary He must have been a very ingenious young man that Sam said Mr Pickwick with a slight shudder Just was sir replied Mr Weller continuing his occupation of emptying the basket and the pies was beautiful Tongue well thats a wery good thing when it aint a womans Breadknuckle o ham reglar pictercold beef in slices wery good Whats in them stone jars young touchandgo Beer in this one replied the boy taking from his shoulder a couple of large stone bottles fastened together by a leathern strapcold punch in tother And a wery good notion of a lunch it is take it altogether said Mr Weller surveying his arrangement of the repast with great satisfaction Now genlmn fall on as the English said to the French when they fixed bagginets It needed no second invitation to induce the party to yield full justice to the meal and as little pressing did it require to induce Mr Weller the long gamekeeper and the two boys to station themselves on the grass at a little distance and do good execution upon a decent proportion of the viands An old oak afforded a pleasant shelter to the group and a rich prospect of arable and meadow land intersected with luxuriant hedges and richly ornamented with wood lay spread out before them This is delightfulthoroughly delightful said Mr Pickwick the skin of whose expressive countenance was rapidly peeling off with exposure to the sun So it isso it is old fellow replied Wardle Come a glass of punch With great pleasure said Mr Pickwick the satisfaction of whose countenance after drinking it bore testimony to the sincerity of the reply Good said Mr Pickwick smacking his lips Very good Ill take another Cool very cool Come gentlemen continued Mr Pickwick still retaining his hold upon the jar a toast Our friends at Dingley Dell The toast was drunk with loud acclamations Ill tell you what I shall do to get up my shooting again said Mr Winkle who was eating bread and ham with a pocketknife Ill put a stuffed partridge on the top of a post and practise at it beginning at a short distance and lengthening it by degrees I understand its capital practice I know a genlman Sir said Mr Weller as did that and begun at two yards but he never tried it on agin for he blowed the bird right clean away at the first fire and nobody ever seed a feather on him arterwards Sam said Mr Pickwick Sir replied Mr Weller Have the goodness to reserve your anecdotes till they are called for Certnly sir Here Mr Weller winked the eye which was not concealed by the beercan he was raising to his lips with such exquisite facetiousness that the two boys went into spontaneous convulsions and even the long man condescended to smile Well that certainly is most capital cold punch said Mr Pickwick looking earnestly at the stone bottle and the day is extremely warm andTupman my dear friend a glass of punch With the greatest delight replied Mr Tupman and having drank that glass Mr Pickwick took another just to see whether there was any orange peel in the punch because orange peel always disagreed with him and finding that there was not Mr Pickwick took another glass to the health of their absent friend and then felt himself imperatively called upon to propose another in honour of the punchcompounder unknown This constant succession of glasses produced considerable effect upon Mr Pickwick his countenance beamed with the most sunny smiles laughter played around his lips and goodhumoured merriment twinkled in his eye Yielding by degrees to the influence of the exciting liquid rendered more so by the heat Mr Pickwick expressed a strong desire to recollect a song which he had heard in his infancy and the attempt proving abortive sought to stimulate his memory with more glasses of punch which appeared to have quite a contrary effect for from forgetting the words of the song he began to forget how to articulate any words at all and finally after rising to his legs to address the company in an eloquent speech he fell into the barrow and fast asleep simultaneously The basket having been repacked and it being found perfectly impossible to awaken Mr Pickwick from his torpor some discussion took place whether it would be better for Mr Weller to wheel his master back again or to leave him where he was until they should all be ready to return The latter course was at length decided on and as the further expedition was not to exceed an hours duration and as Mr Weller begged very hard to be one of the party it was determined to leave Mr Pickwick asleep in the barrow and to call for him on their return So away they went leaving Mr Pickwick snoring most comfortably in the shade That Mr Pickwick would have continued to snore in the shade until his friends came back or in default thereof until the shades of evening had fallen on the landscape there appears no reasonable cause to doubt always supposing that he had been suffered to remain there in peace But he was not suffered to remain there in peace And this was what prevented him Captain Boldwig was a little fierce man in a stiff black neckerchief and blue surtout who when he did condescend to walk about his property did it in company with a thick rattan stick with a brass ferrule and a gardener and subgardener with meek faces to whom the gardeners not the stick Captain Boldwig gave his orders with all due grandeur and ferocity for Captain Boldwigs wifes sister had married a marquis and the captains house was a villa and his land grounds and it was all very high and mighty and great Mr Pickwick had not been asleep half an hour when little Captain Boldwig followed by the two gardeners came striding along as fast as his size and importance would let him and when he came near the oak tree Captain Boldwig paused and drew a long breath and looked at the prospect as if he thought the prospect ought to be highly gratified at having him to take notice of it and then he struck the ground emphatically with his stick and summoned the headgardener Hunt said Captain Boldwig Yes Sir said the gardener Roll this place tomorrow morningdo you hear Hunt Yes Sir And take care that you keep this place in good orderdo you hear Hunt Yes Sir And remind me to have a board done about trespassers and spring guns and all that sort of thing to keep the common people out Do you hear Hunt do you hear Ill not forget it Sir I beg your pardon Sir said the other man advancing with his hand to his hat Well Wilkins whats the matter with you said Captain Boldwig I beg your pardon sirbut I think there have been trespassers here today Ha said the captain scowling around him Yes sirthey have been dining here I think sir Why damn their audacity so they have said Captain Boldwig as the crumbs and fragments that were strewn upon the grass met his eye They have actually been devouring their food here I wish I had the vagabonds here said the captain clenching the thick stick I wish I had the vagabonds here said the captain wrathfully Beg your pardon sir said Wilkins but But what Eh roared the captain and following the timid glance of Wilkins his eyes encountered the wheelbarrow and Mr Pickwick Who are you you rascal said the captain administering several pokes to Mr Pickwicks body with the thick stick Whats your name Cold punch murmured Mr Pickwick as he sank to sleep again What demanded Captain Boldwig No reply What did he say his name was asked the captain Punch I think sir replied Wilkins Thats his impudencethats his confounded impudence said Captain Boldwig Hes only feigning to be asleep now said the captain in a high passion Hes drunk hes a drunken plebeian Wheel him away Wilkins wheel him away directly Where shall I wheel him to sir inquired Wilkins with great timidity Wheel him to the devil replied Captain Boldwig Very well sir said Wilkins Stay said the captain Wilkins stopped accordingly Wheel him said the captainwheel him to the pound and let us see whether he calls himself Punch when he comes to himself He shall not bully mehe shall not bully me Wheel him away Away Mr Pickwick was wheeled in compliance with this imperious mandate and the great Captain Boldwig swelling with indignation proceeded on his walk Inexpressible was the astonishment of the little party when they returned to find that Mr Pickwick had disappeared and taken the wheelbarrow with him It was the most mysterious and unaccountable thing that was ever heard of For a lame man to have got upon his legs without any previous notice and walked off would have been most extraordinary but when it came to his wheeling a heavy barrow before him by way of amusement it grew positively miraculous They searched every nook and corner round together and separately they shouted whistled laughed calledand all with the same result Mr Pickwick was not to be found After some hours of fruitless search they arrived at the unwelcome conclusion that they must go home without him Meanwhile Mr Pickwick had been wheeled to the Pound and safely deposited therein fast asleep in the wheelbarrow to the immeasurable delight and satisfaction not only of all the boys in the village but threefourths of the whole population who had gathered round in expectation of his waking If their most intense gratification had been awakened by seeing him wheeled in how many hundredfold was their joy increased when after a few indistinct cries of Sam he sat up in the barrow and gazed with indescribable astonishment on the faces before him A general shout was of course the signal of his having woke up and his involuntary inquiry of Whats the matter occasioned another louder than the first if possible Heres a game roared the populace Where am I exclaimed Mr Pickwick In the pound replied the mob How came I here What was I doing Where was I brought from Boldwig Captain Boldwig was the only reply Let me out cried Mr Pickwick Wheres my servant Where are my friends You aint got no friends Hurrah Then there came a turnip then a potato and then an egg with a few other little tokens of the playful disposition of the manyheaded How long this scene might have lasted or how much Mr Pickwick might have suffered no one can tell had not a carriage which was driving swiftly by suddenly pulled up from whence there descended old Wardle and Sam Weller the former of whom in far less time than it takes to write it if not to read it had made his way to Mr Pickwicks side and placed him in the vehicle just as the latter had concluded the third and last round of a single combat with the townbeadle Run to the justices cried a dozen voices Ah run avay said Mr Weller jumping up on the box Give my complimentsMr Vellers complimentsto the justice and tell him Ive spiled his beadle and that if hell swear in a new un Ill come back again tomorrow and spile him Drive on old feller Ill give directions for the commencement of an action for false imprisonment against this Captain Boldwig directly I get to London said Mr Pickwick as soon as the carriage turned out of the town We were trespassing it seems said Wardle I dont care said Mr Pickwick Ill bring the action No you wont said Wardle I will by But as there was a humorous expression in Wardles face Mr Pickwick checked himself and said Why not Because said old Wardle halfbursting with laughter because they might turn on some of us and say we had taken too much cold punch Do what he would a smile would come into Mr Pickwicks face the smile extended into a laugh the laugh into a roar the roar became general So to keep up their goodhumour they stopped at the first roadside tavern they came to and ordered a glass of brandyandwater all round with a magnum of extra strength for Mr Samuel Weller CHAPTER XX SHOWING HOW DODSON AND FOGG WERE MEN OF BUSINESS AND THEIR CLERKS MEN OF PLEASURE AND HOW AN AFFECTING INTERVIEW TOOK PLACE BETWEEN MR WELLER AND HIS LONGLOST PARENT SHOWING ALSO WHAT CHOICE SPIRITS ASSEMBLED AT THE MAGPIE AND STUMP AND WHAT A CAPITAL CHAPTER THE NEXT ONE WILL BE In the groundfloor front of a dingy house at the very farthest end of Freemans Court Cornhill sat the four clerks of Messrs Dodson Fogg two of his Majestys attorneys of the courts of Kings Bench and Common Pleas at Westminster and solicitors of the High Court of Chancerythe aforesaid clerks catching as favourable glimpses of heavens light and heavens sun in the course of their daily labours as a man might hope to do were he placed at the bottom of a reasonably deep well and without the opportunity of perceiving the stars in the daytime which the latter secluded situation affords The clerks office of Messrs Dodson Fogg was a dark mouldy earthy smelling room with a high wainscotted partition to screen the clerks from the vulgar gaze a couple of old wooden chairs a very loudticking clock an almanac an umbrellastand a row of hatpegs and a few shelves on which were deposited several ticketed bundles of dirty papers some old deal boxes with paper labels and sundry decayed stone ink bottles of various shapes and sizes There was a glass door leading into the passage which formed the entrance to the court and on the outer side of this glass door Mr Pickwick closely followed by Sam Weller presented himself on the Friday morning succeeding the occurrence of which a faithful narration is given in the last chapter Come in cant you cried a voice from behind the partition in reply to Mr Pickwicks gentle tap at the door And Mr Pickwick and Sam entered accordingly Mr Dodson or Mr Fogg at home sir inquired Mr Pickwick gently advancing hat in hand towards the partition Mr Dodson aint at home and Mr Foggs particularly engaged replied the voice and at the same time the head to which the voice belonged with a pen behind its ear looked over the partition and at Mr Pickwick It was a ragged head the sandy hair of which scrupulously parted on one side and flattened down with pomatum was twisted into little semi circular tails round a flat face ornamented with a pair of small eyes and garnished with a very dirty shirt collar and a rusty black stock Mr Dodson aint at home and Mr Foggs particularly engaged said the man to whom the head belonged When will Mr Dodson be back sir inquired Mr Pickwick Cant say Will it be long before Mr Fogg is disengaged Sir Dont know Here the man proceeded to mend his pen with great deliberation while another clerk who was mixing a Seidlitz powder under cover of the lid of his desk laughed approvingly I think Ill wait said Mr Pickwick There was no reply so Mr Pickwick sat down unbidden and listened to the loud ticking of the clock and the murmured conversation of the clerks That was a game wasnt it said one of the gentlemen in a brown coat and brass buttons inky drabs and bluchers at the conclusion of some inaudible relation of his previous evenings adventures Devilish gooddevilish good said the Seidlitzpowder man Tom Cummins was in the chair said the man with the brown coat It was halfpast four when I got to Somers Town and then I was so uncommon lushy that I couldnt find the place where the latchkey went in and was obliged to knock up the old ooman I say I wonder what old Fogg ud say if he knew it I should get the sack I sposeeh At this humorous notion all the clerks laughed in concert There was such a game with Fogg here this mornin said the man in the brown coat while Jack was upstairs sorting the papers and you two were gone to the stampoffice Fogg was down here opening the letters when that chap as we issued the writ against at Camberwell you know came inwhats his name again Ramsey said the clerk who had spoken to Mr Pickwick Ah Ramseya precious seedylooking customer Well sir says old Fogg looking at him very fierceyou know his waywell Sir have you come to settle Yes I have sir said Ramsey putting his hand in his pocket and bringing out the money the debts two pound ten and the costs three pound five and here it is Sir and he sighed like bricks as he lugged out the money done up in a bit of blottingpaper Old Fogg looked first at the money and then at him and then he coughed in his rum way so that I knew something was coming You dont know theres a declaration filed which increases the costs materially I suppose said Fogg You dont say that sir said Ramsey starting back the time was only out last night Sir I do say it though said Fogg my clerks just gone to file it Hasnt Mr Jackson gone to file that declaration in Bullman and Ramsey Mr Wicks Of course I said yes and then Fogg coughed again and looked at Ramsey My God said Ramsey and here have I nearly driven myself mad scraping this money together and all to no purpose None at all said Fogg coolly so you had better go back and scrape some more together and bring it here in time I cant get it by God said Ramsey striking the desk with his fist Dont bully me sir said Fogg getting into a passion on purpose I am not bullying you sir said Ramsey You are said Fogg get out sir get out of this office Sir and come back Sir when you know how to behave yourself Well Ramsey tried to speak but Fogg wouldnt let him so he put the money in his pocket and sneaked out The door was scarcely shut when old Fogg turned round to me with a sweet smile on his face and drew the declaration out of his coat pocket Here Wicks says Fogg take a cab and go down to the Temple as quick as you can and file that The costs are quite safe for hes a steady man with a large family at a salary of fiveandtwenty shillings a week and if he gives us a warrant of attorney as he must in the end I know his employers will see it paid so we may as well get all we can get out of him Mr Wicks its a Christian act to do it Mr Wicks for with his large family and small income hell be all the better for a good lesson against getting into debtwont he Mr Wicks wont he and he smiled so goodnaturedly as he went away that it was delightful to see him He is a capital man of business said Wicks in a tone of the deepest admiration capital isnt he The other three cordially subscribed to this opinion and the anecdote afforded the most unlimited satisfaction Nice men these here Sir whispered Mr Weller to his master wery nice notion of fun they has Sir Mr Pickwick nodded assent and coughed to attract the attention of the young gentlemen behind the partition who having now relaxed their minds by a little conversation among themselves condescended to take some notice of the stranger I wonder whether Foggs disengaged now said Jackson Ill see said Wicks dismounting leisurely from his stool What name shall I tell Mr Fogg Pickwick replied the illustrious subject of these memoirs Mr Jackson departed upstairs on his errand and immediately returned with a message that Mr Fogg would see Mr Pickwick in five minutes and having delivered it returned again to his desk What did he say his name was whispered Wicks Pickwick replied Jackson its the defendant in Bardell and Pickwick A sudden scraping of feet mingled with the sound of suppressed laughter was heard from behind the partition Theyre atwiggin of you Sir whispered Mr Weller Twigging of me Sam replied Mr Pickwick what do you mean by twigging me Mr Weller replied by pointing with his thumb over his shoulder and Mr Pickwick on looking up became sensible of the pleasing fact that all the four clerks with countenances expressive of the utmost amusement and with their heads thrust over the wooden screen were minutely inspecting the figure and general appearance of the supposed trifler with female hearts and disturber of female happiness On his looking up the row of heads suddenly disappeared and the sound of pens travelling at a furious rate over paper immediately succeeded A sudden ring at the bell which hung in the office summoned Mr Jackson to the apartment of Fogg from whence he came back to say that he Fogg was ready to see Mr Pickwick if he would step upstairs Upstairs Mr Pickwick did step accordingly leaving Sam Weller below The room door of the onepair back bore inscribed in legible characters the imposing words Mr Fogg and having tapped thereat and been desired to come in Jackson ushered Mr Pickwick into the presence Is Mr Dodson in inquired Mr Fogg Just come in Sir replied Jackson Ask him to step here Yes sir Exit Jackson Take a seat sir said Fogg there is the paper sir my partner will be here directly and we can converse about this matter sir Mr Pickwick took a seat and the paper but instead of reading the latter peeped over the top of it and took a survey of the man of business who was an elderly pimplyfaced vegetablediet sort of man in a black coat dark mixture trousers and small black gaiters a kind of being who seemed to be an essential part of the desk at which he was writing and to have as much thought or feeling After a few minutes silence Mr Dodson a plump portly sternlooking man with a loud voice appeared and the conversation commenced This is Mr Pickwick said Fogg Ah You are the defendant Sir in Bardell and Pickwick said Dodson I am sir replied Mr Pickwick Well sir said Dodson and what do you propose Ah said Fogg thrusting his hands into his trousers pockets and throwing himself back in his chair what do you propose Mr Pickwick Hush Fogg said Dodson let me hear what Mr Pickwick has to say I came gentlemen said Mr Pickwick gazing placidly on the two partners I came here gentlemen to express the surprise with which I received your letter of the other day and to inquire what grounds of action you can have against me Grounds of Fogg had ejaculated this much when he was stopped by Dodson Mr Fogg said Dodson I am going to speak I beg your pardon Mr Dodson said Fogg For the grounds of action sir continued Dodson with moral elevation in his air you will consult your own conscience and your own feelings We Sir we are guided entirely by the statement of our client That statement Sir may be true or it may be false it may be credible or it may be incredible but if it be true and if it be credible I do not hesitate to say Sir that our grounds of action Sir are strong and not to be shaken You may be an unfortunate man Sir or you may be a designing one but if I were called upon as a juryman upon my oath Sir to express an opinion of your conduct Sir I do not hesitate to assert that I should have but one opinion about it Here Dodson drew himself up with an air of offended virtue and looked at Fogg who thrust his hands farther in his pockets and nodding his head sagely said in a tone of the fullest concurrence Most certainly Well Sir said Mr Pickwick with considerable pain depicted in his countenance you will permit me to assure you that I am a most unfortunate man so far as this case is concerned I hope you are Sir replied Dodson I trust you may be Sir If you are really innocent of what is laid to your charge you are more unfortunate than I had believed any man could possibly be What do you say Mr Fogg I say precisely what you say replied Fogg with a smile of incredulity The writ Sir which commences the action continued Dodson was issued regularly Mr Fogg where is the Praecipe book Here it is said Fogg handing over a square book with a parchment cover Here is the entry resumed Dodson Middlesex Capias MARTHA BARDELL WIDOW v SAMUEL PICKWICK Damages <U+00A3>1500 Dodson Fogg for the plaintiff Aug 28 1827 All regular Sir perfectly Dodson coughed and looked at Fogg who said Perfectly also And then they both looked at Mr Pickwick I am to understand then said Mr Pickwick that it really is your intention to proceed with this action Understand sirthat you certainly may replied Dodson with something as near a smile as his importance would allow And that the damages are actually laid at fifteen hundred pounds said Mr Pickwick To which understanding you may add my assurance that if we could have prevailed upon our client they would have been laid at treble the amount sir replied Dodson I believe Mrs Bardell specially said however observed Fogg glancing at Dodson that she would not compromise for a farthing less Unquestionably replied Dodson sternly For the action was only just begun and it wouldnt have done to let Mr Pickwick compromise it then even if he had been so disposed As you offer no terms sir said Dodson displaying a slip of parchment in his right hand and affectionately pressing a paper copy of it on Mr Pickwick with his left I had better serve you with a copy of this writ sir Here is the original sir Very well gentlemen very well said Mr Pickwick rising in person and wrath at the same time you shall hear from my solicitor gentlemen We shall be very happy to do so said Fogg rubbing his hands Very said Dodson opening the door And before I go gentlemen said the excited Mr Pickwick turning round on the landing permit me to say that of all the disgraceful and rascally proceedings Stay sir stay interposed Dodson with great politeness Mr Jackson Mr Wicks Sir said the two clerks appearing at the bottom of the stairs I merely want you to hear what this gentleman says replied Dodson Pray go on sirdisgraceful and rascally proceedings I think you said I did said Mr Pickwick thoroughly roused I said Sir that of all the disgraceful and rascally proceedings that ever were attempted this is the most so I repeat it sir You hear that Mr Wicks said Dodson You wont forget these expressions Mr Jackson said Fogg Perhaps you would like to call us swindlers sir said Dodson Pray do Sir if you feel disposed now pray do Sir I do said Mr Pickwick You are swindlers Very good said Dodson You can hear down there I hope Mr Wicks Oh yes Sir said Wicks You had better come up a step or two higher if you cant added Mr Fogg Go on Sir do go on You had better call us thieves Sir or perhaps You would like to assault one of us Pray do it Sir if you would we will not make the smallest resistance Pray do it Sir As Fogg put himself very temptingly within the reach of Mr Pickwicks clenched fist there is little doubt that that gentleman would have complied with his earnest entreaty but for the interposition of Sam who hearing the dispute emerged from the office mounted the stairs and seized his master by the arm You just come away said Mr Weller Battledore and shuttlecocks a wery good game vhen you aint the shuttlecock and two lawyers the battledores in which case it gets too excitin to be pleasant Come avay Sir If you want to ease your mind by blowing up somebody come out into the court and blow up me but its rayther too expensive work to be carried on here And without the slightest ceremony Mr Weller hauled his master down the stairs and down the court and having safely deposited him in Cornhill fell behind prepared to follow whithersoever he should lead Mr Pickwick walked on abstractedly crossed opposite the Mansion House and bent his steps up Cheapside Sam began to wonder where they were going when his master turned round and said Sam I will go immediately to Mr Perkers Thats just exactly the wery place vere you ought to have gone last night Sir replied Mr Weller I think it is Sam said Mr Pickwick I know it is said Mr Weller Well well Sam replied Mr Pickwick we will go there at once but first as I have been rather ruffled I should like a glass of brandy andwater warm Sam Where can I have it Sam Mr Wellers knowledge of London was extensive and peculiar He replied without the slightest consideration Second court on the right hand sidelast house but vun on the same side the vaytake the box as stands in the first fireplace cos there aint no leg in the middle o the table which all the others has and its wery inconvenient Mr Pickwick observed his valets directions implicitly and bidding Sam follow him entered the tavern he had pointed out where the hot brandy andwater was speedily placed before him while Mr Weller seated at a respectful distance though at the same table with his master was accommodated with a pint of porter The room was one of a very homely description and was apparently under the especial patronage of stagecoachmen for several gentleman who had all the appearance of belonging to that learned profession were drinking and smoking in the different boxes Among the number was one stout redfaced elderly man in particular seated in an opposite box who attracted Mr Pickwicks attention The stout man was smoking with great vehemence but between every halfdozen puffs he took his pipe from his mouth and looked first at Mr Weller and then at Mr Pickwick Then he would bury in a quart pot as much of his countenance as the dimensions of the quart pot admitted of its receiving and take another look at Sam and Mr Pickwick Then he would take another halfdozen puffs with an air of profound meditation and look at them again At last the stout man putting up his legs on the seat and leaning his back against the wall began to puff at his pipe without leaving off at all and to stare through the smoke at the newcomers as if he had made up his mind to see the most he could of them At first the evolutions of the stout man had escaped Mr Wellers observation but by degrees as he saw Mr Pickwicks eyes every now and then turning towards him he began to gaze in the same direction at the same time shading his eyes with his hand as if he partially recognised the object before him and wished to make quite sure of its identity His doubts were speedily dispelled however for the stout man having blown a thick cloud from his pipe a hoarse voice like some strange effort of ventriloquism emerged from beneath the capacious shawls which muffled his throat and chest and slowly uttered these soundsWy Sammy Whos that Sam inquired Mr Pickwick Why I wouldnt ha believed it Sir replied Mr Weller with astonished eyes Its the old un Old one said Mr Pickwick What old one My father sir replied Mr Weller How are you my ancient And with this beautiful ebullition of filial affection Mr Weller made room on the seat beside him for the stout man who advanced pipe in mouth and pot in hand to greet him Wy Sammy said the father I hant seen you for two year and better Nor more you have old codger replied the son Hows motherinlaw Wy Ill tell you what Sammy said Mr Weller senior with much solemnity in his manner there never was a nicer woman as a widder than that ere second wentur o minea sweet creetur she was Sammy all I can say on her now is that as she was such an uncommon pleasant widder its a great pity she ever changed her condition She dont act as a vife Sammy Dont she though inquired Mr Weller junior The elder Mr Weller shook his head as he replied with a sigh Ive done it once too often Sammy Ive done it once too often Take example by your father my boy and be wery careful o widders all your life specially if theyve kept a publichouse Sammy Having delivered this parental advice with great pathos Mr Weller senior refilled his pipe from a tin box he carried in his pocket and lighting his fresh pipe from the ashes of the old One commenced smoking at a great rate Beg your pardon sir he said renewing the subject and addressing Mr Pickwick after a considerable pause nothin personal I hope sir I hope you hant got a widder sir Not I replied Mr Pickwick laughing and while Mr Pickwick laughed Sam Weller informed his parent in a whisper of the relation in which he stood towards that gentleman Beg your pardon sir said Mr Weller senior taking off his hat I hope youve no fault to find with Sammy Sir None whatever said Mr Pickwick Wery glad to hear it sir replied the old man I took a good deal o pains with his eddication sir let him run in the streets when he was wery young and shift for hisself Its the only way to make a boy sharp sir Rather a dangerous process I should imagine said Mr Pickwick with a smile And not a wery sure one neither added Mr Weller I got reglarly done the other day No said his father I did said the son and he proceeded to relate in as few words as possible how he had fallen a ready dupe to the stratagems of Job Trotter Mr Weller senior listened to the tale with the most profound attention and at its termination said Wornt one o these chaps slim and tall with long hair and the gift o the gab wery gallopin Mr Pickwick did not quite understand the last item of description but comprehending the first said Yes at a venture T others a blackhaired chap in mulberry livery with a wery large head Yes yes he is said Mr Pickwick and Sam with great earnestness Then I know where they are and thats all about it said Mr Weller theyre at Ipswich safe enough them two No said Mr Pickwick Fact said Mr Weller and Ill tell you how I know it I work an Ipswich coach now and then for a friend o mine I worked down the wery day arter the night as you caught the rheumatic and at the Black Boy at Chelmsfordthe wery place theyd come toI took em up right through to Ipswich where the manservanthim in the mulberriestold me they was agoin to put up for a long time Ill follow him said Mr Pickwick we may as well see Ipswich as any other place Ill follow him Youre quite certain it was them governor inquired Mr Weller junior Quite Sammy quite replied his father for their appearance is wery singler besides that ere I wondered to see the genlmn so formiliar with his servant and more than that as they sat in the front right behind the box I heerd em laughing and saying how theyd done old Fireworks Old who said Mr Pickwick Old Fireworks Sir by which Ive no doubt they meant you Sir There is nothing positively vile or atrocious in the appellation of old Fireworks but still it is by no means a respectful or flattering designation The recollection of all the wrongs he had sustained at Jingles hands had crowded on Mr Pickwicks mind the moment Mr Weller began to speak it wanted but a feather to turn the scale and old Fireworks did it Ill follow him said Mr Pickwick with an emphatic blow on the table I shall work down to Ipswich the day arter tomorrow Sir said Mr Weller the elder from the Bull in Whitechapel and if you really mean to go youd better go with me So we had said Mr Pickwick very true I can write to Bury and tell them to meet me at Ipswich We will go with you But dont hurry away Mr Weller wont you take anything Youre wery good Sir replied Mr W stopping shortperhaps a small glass of brandy to drink your health and success to Sammy Sir wouldnt be amiss Certainly not replied Mr Pickwick A glass of brandy here The brandy was brought and Mr Weller after pulling his hair to Mr Pickwick and nodding to Sam jerked it down his capacious throat as if it had been a small thimbleful Well done father said Sam take care old fellow or youll have a touch of your old complaint the gout Ive found a sovrin cure for that Sammy said Mr Weller setting down the glass A sovereign cure for the gout said Mr Pickwick hastily producing his notebookwhat is it The gout Sir replied Mr Weller the gout is a complaint as arises from too much ease and comfort If ever youre attacked with the gout sir jist you marry a widder as has got a good loud woice with a decent notion of usin it and youll never have the gout agin Its a capital prescription sir I takes it reglar and I can warrant it to drive away any illness as is caused by too much jollity Having imparted this valuable secret Mr Weller drained his glass once more produced a laboured wink sighed deeply and slowly retired Well what do you think of what your father says Sam inquired Mr Pickwick with a smile Think Sir replied Mr Weller why I think hes the wictim o connubiality as Blue Beards domestic chaplain said vith a tear of pity ven he buried him There was no replying to this very apposite conclusion and therefore Mr Pickwick after settling the reckoning resumed his walk to Grays Inn By the time he reached its secluded groves however eight oclock had struck and the unbroken stream of gentlemen in muddy highlows soiled white hats and rusty apparel who were pouring towards the different avenues of egress warned him that the majority of the offices had closed for that day After climbing two pairs of steep and dirty stairs he found his anticipations were realised Mr Perkers outer door was closed and the dead silence which followed Mr Wellers repeated kicks thereat announced that the officials had retired from business for the night This is pleasant Sam said Mr Pickwick I shouldnt lose an hour in seeing him I shall not be able to get one wink of sleep tonight I know unless I have the satisfaction of reflecting that I have confided this matter to a professional man Heres an old ooman comin upstairs sir replied Mr Weller praps she knows where we can find somebody Hollo old lady veres Mr Perkers people Mr Perkers people said a thin miserablelooking old woman stopping to recover breath after the ascent of the staircaseMr Perkers peoples gone and Im agoin to do the office out Are you Mr Perkers servant inquired Mr Pickwick I am Mr Perkers laundress replied the woman Ah said Mr Pickwick half aside to Sam its a curious circumstance Sam that they call the old women in these inns laundresses I wonder whats that for Cos they has a mortal awersion to washing anythin I suppose Sir replied Mr Weller I shouldnt wonder said Mr Pickwick looking at the old woman whose appearance as well as the condition of the office which she had by this time opened indicated a rooted antipathy to the application of soap and water do you know where I can find Mr Perker my good woman No I dont replied the old woman gruffly hes out o town now Thats unfortunate said Mr Pickwick wheres his clerk Do you know Yes I know where he is but he wont thank me for telling you replied the laundress I have very particular business with him said Mr Pickwick Wont it do in the morning said the woman Not so well replied Mr Pickwick Well said the old woman if it was anything very particular I was to say where he was so I suppose theres no harm in telling If you just go to the Magpie and Stump and ask at the bar for Mr Lowten theyll show you in to him and hes Mr Perkers clerk With this direction and having been furthermore informed that the hostelry in question was situated in a court happy in the double advantage of being in the vicinity of Clare Market and closely approximating to the back of New Inn Mr Pickwick and Sam descended the rickety staircase in safety and issued forth in quest of the Magpie and Stump This favoured tavern sacred to the evening orgies of Mr Lowten and his companions was what ordinary people would designate a publichouse That the landlord was a man of moneymaking turn was sufficiently testified by the fact of a small bulkhead beneath the taproom window in size and shape not unlike a sedanchair being underlet to a mender of shoes and that he was a being of a philanthropic mind was evident from the protection he afforded to a pieman who vended his delicacies without fear of interruption on the very doorstep In the lower windows which were decorated with curtains of a saffron hue dangled two or three printed cards bearing reference to Devonshire cider and Dantzic spruce while a large blackboard announcing in white letters to an enlightened public that there were 500000 barrels of double stout in the cellars of the establishment left the mind in a state of not unpleasing doubt and uncertainty as to the precise direction in the bowels of the earth in which this mighty cavern might be supposed to extend When we add that the weatherbeaten signboard bore the half obliterated semblance of a magpie intently eyeing a crooked streak of brown paint which the neighbours had been taught from infancy to consider as the stump we have said all that need be said of the exterior of the edifice On Mr Pickwicks presenting himself at the bar an elderly female emerged from behind the screen therein and presented herself before him Is Mr Lowten here maam inquired Mr Pickwick Yes he is Sir replied the landlady Here Charley show the gentleman in to Mr Lowten The genlmn cant go in just now said a shambling potboy with a red head cos Mr Lowtens asingin a comic song and hell put him out Hell be done directly Sir The redheaded potboy had scarcely finished speaking when a most unanimous hammering of tables and jingling of glasses announced that the song had that instant terminated and Mr Pickwick after desiring Sam to solace himself in the tap suffered himself to be conducted into the presence of Mr Lowten At the announcement of A gentleman to speak to you Sir a puffyfaced young man who filled the chair at the head of the table looked with some surprise in the direction from whence the voice proceeded and the surprise seemed to be by no means diminished when his eyes rested on an individual whom he had never seen before I beg your pardon Sir said Mr Pickwick and I am very sorry to disturb the other gentlemen too but I come on very particular business and if you will suffer me to detain you at this end of the room for five minutes I shall be very much obliged to you The puffyfaced young man rose and drawing a chair close to Mr Pickwick in an obscure corner of the room listened attentively to his tale of woe Ah he said when Mr Pickwick had concluded Dodson and Foggsharp practice theirscapital men of business Dodson and Fogg sir Mr Pickwick admitted the sharp practice of Dodson and Fogg and Lowten resumed Perker aint in town and he wont be neither before the end of next week but if you want the action defended and will leave the copy with me I can do all thats needful till he comes back Thats exactly what I came here for said Mr Pickwick handing over the document If anything particular occurs you can write to me at the postoffice Ipswich Thats all right replied Mr Perkers clerk and then seeing Mr Pickwicks eye wandering curiously towards the table he added will you join us for half an hour or so We are capital company here to night Theres Samkin and Greens managingclerk and Smithers and Prices chancery and Pimkin and Thomass out o doorssings a capital song he doesand Jack Bamber and ever so many more Youre come out of the country I suppose Would you like to join us Mr Pickwick could not resist so tempting an opportunity of studying human nature He suffered himself to be led to the table where after having been introduced to the company in due form he was accommodated with a seat near the chairman and called for a glass of his favourite beverage A profound silence quite contrary to Mr Pickwicks expectation succeeded You dont find this sort of thing disagreeable I hope sir said his right hand neighbour a gentleman in a checked shirt and Mosaic studs with a cigar in his mouth Not in the least replied Mr Pickwick I like it very much although I am no smoker myself I should be very sorry to say I wasnt interposed another gentleman on the opposite side of the table Its board and lodgings to me is smoke Mr Pickwick glanced at the speaker and thought that if it were washing too it would be all the better Here there was another pause Mr Pickwick was a stranger and his coming had evidently cast a damp upon the party Mr Grundys going to oblige the company with a song said the chairman No he aint said Mr Grundy Why not said the chairman Because he cant said Mr Grundy You had better say he wont replied the chairman Well then he wont retorted Mr Grundy Mr Grundys positive refusal to gratify the company occasioned another silence Wont anybody enliven us said the chairman despondingly Why dont you enliven us yourself Mr Chairman said a young man with a whisker a squint and an open shirt collar dirty from the bottom of the table Hear hear said the smoking gentleman in the Mosaic jewellery Because I only know one song and I have sung it already and its a fine of glasses round to sing the same song twice in a night replied the chairman This was an unanswerable reply and silence prevailed again I have been tonight gentlemen said Mr Pickwick hoping to start a subject which all the company could take a part in discussing I have been tonight in a place which you all know very well doubtless but which I have not been in for some years and know very little of I mean Grays Inn gentlemen Curious little nooks in a great place like London these old inns are By Jove said the chairman whispering across the table to Mr Pickwick you have hit upon something that one of us at least would talk upon for ever Youll draw old Jack Bamber out he was never heard to talk about anything else but the inns and he has lived alone in them till hes half crazy The individual to whom Lowten alluded was a little yellow high shouldered man whose countenance from his habit of stooping forward when silent Mr Pickwick had not observed before He wondered though when the old man raised his shrivelled face and bent his gray eye upon him with a keen inquiring look that such remarkable features could have escaped his attention for a moment There was a fixed grim smile perpetually on his countenance he leaned his chin on a long skinny hand with nails of extraordinary length and as he inclined his head to one side and looked keenly out from beneath his ragged gray eyebrows there was a strange wild slyness in his leer quite repulsive to behold This was the figure that now started forward and burst into an animated torrent of words As this chapter has been a long one however and as the old man was a remarkable personage it will be more respectful to him and more convenient to us to let him speak for himself in a fresh one CHAPTER XXI IN WHICH THE OLD MAN LAUNCHES FORTH INTO HIS FAVOURITE THEME AND RELATES A STORY ABOUT A QUEER CLIENT Aha said the old man a brief description of whose manner and appearance concluded the last chapter aha who was talking about the inns I was Sir replied Mr PickwickI was observing what singular old places they are You said the old man contemptuously What do you know of the time when young men shut themselves up in those lonely rooms and read and read hour after hour and night after night till their reason wandered beneath their midnight studies till their mental powers were exhausted till mornings light brought no freshness or health to them and they sank beneath the unnatural devotion of their youthful energies to their dry old books Coming down to a later time and a very different day what do you know of the gradual sinking beneath consumption or the quick wasting of feverthe grand results of life and dissipationwhich men have undergone in these same rooms How many vain pleaders for mercy do you think have turned away heartsick from the lawyers office to find a restingplace in the Thames or a refuge in the jail They are no ordinary houses those There is not a panel in the old wainscotting but what if it were endowed with the powers of speech and memory could start from the wall and tell its tale of horrorthe romance of life Sir the romance of life Commonplace as they may seem now I tell you they are strange old places and I would rather hear many a legend with a terrificsounding name than the true history of one old set of chambers There was something so odd in the old mans sudden energy and the subject which had called it forth that Mr Pickwick was prepared with no observation in reply and the old man checking his impetuosity and resuming the leer which had disappeared during his previous excitement said Look at them in another lighttheir most commonplace and least romantic What fine places of slow torture they are Think of the needy man who has spent his all beggared himself and pinched his friends to enter the profession which is destined never to yield him a morsel of bread The waitingthe hopethe disappointmentthe fearthe misery the povertythe blight on his hopes and end to his careerthe suicide perhaps or the shabby slipshod drunkard Am I not right about them And the old man rubbed his hands and leered as if in delight at having found another point of view in which to place his favourite subject Mr Pickwick eyed the old man with great curiosity and the remainder of the company smiled and looked on in silence Talk of your German universities said the little old man Pooh pooh theres romance enough at home without going half a mile for it only people never think of it I never thought of the romance of this particular subject before certainly said Mr Pickwick laughing To be sure you didnt said the little old man of course not As a friend of mine used to say to me What is there in chambers in particular Queer old places said I Not at all said he Lonely said I Not a bit of it said he He died one morning of apoplexy as he was going to open his outer door Fell with his head in his own letterbox and there he lay for eighteen months Everybody thought hed gone out of town And how was he found out at last inquired Mr Pickwick The benchers determined to have his door broken open as he hadnt paid any rent for two years So they did Forced the lock and a very dusty skeleton in a blue coat black kneeshorts and silks fell forward in the arms of the porter who opened the door Queer that Rather perhaps rather eh The little old man put his head more on one side and rubbed his hands with unspeakable glee I know another case said the little old man when his chuckles had in some degree subsided It occurred in Cliffords Inn Tenant of a top setbad charactershut himself up in his bedroom closet and took a dose of arsenic The steward thought he had run away opened the door and put a bill up Another man came took the chambers furnished them and went to live there Somehow or other he couldnt sleepalways restless and uncomfortable Odd says he Ill make the other room my bedchamber and this my sittingroom He made the change and slept very well at night but suddenly found that somehow he couldnt read in the evening he got nervous and uncomfortable and used to be always snuffing his candles and staring about him I cant make this out said he when he came home from the play one night and was drinking a glass of cold grog with his back to the wall in order that he mightnt be able to fancy there was any one behind himI cant make it out said he and just then his eyes rested on the little closet that had been always locked up and a shudder ran through his whole frame from top to toe I have felt this strange feeling before said he I cannot help thinking theres something wrong about that closet He made a strong effort plucked up his courage shivered the lock with a blow or two of the poker opened the door and there sure enough standing bolt upright in the corner was the last tenant with a little bottle clasped firmly in his hand and his facewell As the little old man concluded he looked round on the attentive faces of his wondering auditory with a smile of grim delight What strange things these are you tell us of Sir said Mr Pickwick minutely scanning the old mans countenance by the aid of his glasses Strange said the little old man Nonsense you think them strange because you know nothing about it They are funny but not uncommon Funny exclaimed Mr Pickwick involuntarily Yes funny are they not replied the little old man with a diabolical leer and then without pausing for an answer he continued I knew another manlet me seeforty years ago nowwho took an old damp rotten set of chambers in one of the most ancient inns that had been shut up and empty for years and years before There were lots of old womens stories about the place and it certainly was very far from being a cheerful one but he was poor and the rooms were cheap and that would have been quite a sufficient reason for him if they had been ten times worse than they really were He was obliged to take some mouldering fixtures that were on the place and among the rest was a great lumbering wooden press for papers with large glass doors and a green curtain inside a pretty useless thing for him for he had no papers to put in it and as to his clothes he carried them about with him and that wasnt very hard work either Well he had moved in all his furnitureit wasnt quite a truckfulland had sprinkled it about the room so as to make the four chairs look as much like a dozen as possible and was sitting down before the fire at night drinking the first glass of two gallons of whisky he had ordered on credit wondering whether it would ever be paid for and if so in how many years time when his eyes encountered the glass doors of the wooden press Ah says he if I hadnt been obliged to take that ugly article at the old brokers valuation I might have got something comfortable for the money Ill tell you what it is old fellow he said speaking aloud to the press having nothing else to speak to if it wouldnt cost more to break up your old carcass than it would ever be worth afterward Id have a fire out of you in less than no time He had hardly spoken the words when a sound resembling a faint groan appeared to issue from the interior of the case It startled him at first but thinking on a moments reflection that it must be some young fellow in the next chamber who had been dining out he put his feet on the fender and raised the poker to stir the fire At that moment the sound was repeated and one of the glass doors slowly opening disclosed a pale and emaciated figure in soiled and worn apparel standing erect in the press The figure was tall and thin and the countenance expressive of care and anxiety but there was something in the hue of the skin and gaunt and unearthly appearance of the whole form which no being of this world was ever seen to wear Who are you said the new tenant turning very pale poising the poker in his hand however and taking a very decent aim at the countenance of the figure Who are you Dont throw that poker at me replied the form if you hurled it with ever so sure an aim it would pass through me without resistance and expend its force on the wood behind I am a spirit And pray what do you want here faltered the tenant In this room replied the apparition my worldly ruin was worked and I and my children beggared In this press the papers in a long long suit which accumulated for years were deposited In this room when I had died of grief and longdeferred hope two wily harpies divided the wealth for which I had contested during a wretched existence and of which at last not one farthing was left for my unhappy descendants I terrified them from the spot and since that day have prowled by nightthe only period at which I can revisit the earthabout the scenes of my longprotracted misery This apartment is mine leave it to me If you insist upon making your appearance here said the tenant who had had time to collect his presence of mind during this prosy statement of the ghosts I shall give up possession with the greatest pleasure but I should like to ask you one question if you will allow me Say on said the apparition sternly Well said the tenant I dont apply the observation personally to you because it is equally applicable to most of the ghosts I ever heard of but it does appear to me somewhat inconsistent that when you have an opportunity of visiting the fairest spots of earthfor I suppose space is nothing to youyou should always return exactly to the very places where you have been most miserable Egad thats very true I never thought of that before said the ghost You see Sir pursued the tenant this is a very uncomfortable room From the appearance of that press I should be disposed to say that it is not wholly free from bugs and I really think you might find much more comfortable quarters to say nothing of the climate of London which is extremely disagreeable You are very right Sir said the ghost politely it never struck me till now Ill try change of air directlyand in fact he began to vanish as he spoke his legs indeed had quite disappeared And if Sir said the tenant calling after him if you would have the goodness to suggest to the other ladies and gentlemen who are now engaged in haunting old empty houses that they might be much more comfortable elsewhere you will confer a very great benefit on society I will replied the ghost we must be dull fellowsvery dull fellows indeed I cant imagine how we can have been so stupid With these words the spirit disappeared and what is rather remarkable added the old man with a shrewd look round the table he never came back again That aint bad if its true said the man in the Mosaic studs lighting a fresh cigar If exclaimed the old man with a look of excessive contempt I suppose he added turning to Lowten hell say next that my story about the queer client we had when I was in an attorneys office is not true eitherI shouldnt wonder I shant venture to say anything at all about it seeing that I never heard the story observed the owner of the Mosaic decorations I wish you would repeat it Sir said Mr Pickwick Ah do said Lowten nobody has heard it but me and I have nearly forgotten it The old man looked round the table and leered more horribly than ever as if in triumph at the attention which was depicted in every face Then rubbing his chin with his hand and looking up to the ceiling as if to recall the circumstances to his memory he began as follows THE OLD MANS TALE ABOUT THE QUEER CLIENT It matters little said the old man where or how I picked up this brief history If I were to relate it in the order in which it reached me I should commence in the middle and when I had arrived at the conclusion go back for a beginning It is enough for me to say that some of its circumstances passed before my own eyes for the remainder I know them to have happened and there are some persons yet living who will remember them but too well In the Borough High Street near St Georges Church and on the same side of the way stands as most people know the smallest of our debtors prisons the Marshalsea Although in later times it has been a very different place from the sink of filth and dirt it once was even its improved condition holds out but little temptation to the extravagant or consolation to the improvident The condemned felon has as good a yard for air and exercise in Newgate as the insolvent debtor in the Marshalsea Prison Better But this is past in a better age and the prison exists no longer It may be my fancy or it may be that I cannot separate the place from the old recollections associated with it but this part of London I cannot bear The street is broad the shops are spacious the noise of passing vehicles the footsteps of a perpetual stream of peopleall the busy sounds of traffic resound in it from morn to midnight but the streets around are mean and close poverty and debauchery lie festering in the crowded alleys want and misfortune are pent up in the narrow prison an air of gloom and dreariness seems in my eyes at least to hang about the scene and to impart to it a squalid and sickly hue Many eyes that have long since been closed in the grave have looked round upon that scene lightly enough when entering the gate of the old Marshalsea Prison for the first time for despair seldom comes with the first severe shock of misfortune A man has confidence in untried friends he remembers the many offers of service so freely made by his boon companions when he wanted them not he has hopethe hope of happy inexperienceand however he may bend beneath the first shock it springs up in his bosom and flourishes there for a brief space until it droops beneath the blight of disappointment and neglect How soon have those same eyes deeply sunken in the head glared from faces wasted with famine and sallow from confinement in days when it was no figure of speech to say that debtors rotted in prison with no hope of release and no prospect of liberty The atrocity in its full extent no longer exists but there is enough of it left to give rise to occurrences that make the heart bleed Twenty years ago that pavement was worn with the footsteps of a mother and child who day by day so surely as the morning came presented themselves at the prison gate often after a night of restless misery and anxious thoughts were they there a full hour too soon and then the young mother turning meekly away would lead the child to the old bridge and raising him in her arms to show him the glistening water tinted with the light of the mornings sun and stirring with all the bustling preparations for business and pleasure that the river presented at that early hour endeavour to interest his thoughts in the objects before him But she would quickly set him down and hiding her face in her shawl give vent to the tears that blinded her for no expression of interest or amusement lighted up his thin and sickly face His recollections were few enough but they were all of one kindall connected with the poverty and misery of his parents Hour after hour had he sat on his mothers knee and with childish sympathy watched the tears that stole down her face and then crept quietly away into some dark corner and sobbed himself to sleep The hard realities of the world with many of its worst privationshunger and thirst and cold and wanthad all come home to him from the first dawnings of reason and though the form of childhood was there its light heart its merry laugh and sparkling eyes were wanting The father and mother looked on upon this and upon each other with thoughts of agony they dared not breathe in words The healthy strong made man who could have borne almost any fatigue of active exertion was wasting beneath the close confinement and unhealthy atmosphere of a crowded prison The slight and delicate woman was sinking beneath the combined effects of bodily and mental illness The childs young heart was breaking Winter came and with it weeks of cold and heavy rain The poor girl had removed to a wretched apartment close to the spot of her husbands imprisonment and though the change had been rendered necessary by their increasing poverty she was happier now for she was nearer him For two months she and her little companion watched the opening of the gate as usual One day she failed to come for the first time Another morning arrived and she came alone The child was dead They little know who coldly talk of the poor mans bereavements as a happy release from pain to the departed and a merciful relief from expense to the survivorthey little know I say what the agony of those bereavements is A silent look of affection and regard when all other eyes are turned coldly awaythe consciousness that we possess the sympathy and affection of one being when all others have deserted usis a hold a stay a comfort in the deepest affliction which no wealth could purchase or power bestow The child had sat at his parents feet for hours together with his little hands patiently folded in each other and his thin wan face raised towards them They had seen him pine away from day to day and though his brief existence had been a joyless one and he was now removed to that peace and rest which child as he was he had never known in this world they were his parents and his loss sank deep into their souls It was plain to those who looked upon the mothers altered face that death must soon close the scene of her adversity and trial Her husbands fellowprisoners shrank from obtruding on his grief and misery and left to himself alone the small room he had previously occupied in common with two companions She shared it with him and lingering on without pain but without hope her life ebbed slowly away She had fainted one evening in her husbands arms and he had borne her to the open window to revive her with the air when the light of the moon falling full upon her face showed him a change upon her features which made him stagger beneath her weight like a helpless infant Set me down George she said faintly He did so and seating himself beside her covered his face with his hands and burst into tears It is very hard to leave you George she said but it is Gods will and you must bear it for my sake Oh how I thank Him for having taken our boy He is happy and in heaven now What would he have done here without his mother You shall not die Mary you shall not die said the husband starting up He paced hurriedly to and fro striking his head with his clenched fists then reseating himself beside her and supporting her in his arms added more calmly Rouse yourself my dear girl Pray pray do You will revive yet Never again George never again said the dying woman Let them lay me by my poor boy now but promise me that if ever you leave this dreadful place and should grow rich you will have us removed to some quiet country churchyard a long long way offvery far from here where we can rest in peace Dear George promise me you will I do I do said the man throwing himself passionately on his knees before her Speak to me Mary another word one lookbut one He ceased to speak for the arm that clasped his neck grew stiff and heavy A deep sigh escaped from the wasted form before him the lips moved and a smile played upon the face but the lips were pallid and the smile faded into a rigid and ghastly stare He was alone in the world That night in the silence and desolation of his miserable room the wretched man knelt down by the dead body of his wife and called on God to witness a terrible oath that from that hour he devoted himself to revenge her death and that of his child that thenceforth to the last moment of his life his whole energies should be directed to this one object that his revenge should be protracted and terrible that his hatred should be undying and inextinguishable and should hunt its object through the world The deepest despair and passion scarcely human had made such fierce ravages on his face and form in that one night that his companions in misfortune shrank affrighted from him as he passed by His eyes were bloodshot and heavy his face a deadly white and his body bent as if with age He had bitten his under lip nearly through in the violence of his mental suffering and the blood which had flowed from the wound had trickled down his chin and stained his shirt and neckerchief No tear or sound of complaint escaped him but the unsettled look and disordered haste with which he paced up and down the yard denoted the fever which was burning within It was necessary that his wifes body should be removed from the prison without delay He received the communication with perfect calmness and acquiesced in its propriety Nearly all the inmates of the prison had assembled to witness its removal they fell back on either side when the widower appeared he walked hurriedly forward and stationed himself alone in a little railed area close to the lodge gate from whence the crowd with an instinctive feeling of delicacy had retired The rude coffin was borne slowly forward on mens shoulders A dead silence pervaded the throng broken only by the audible lamentations of the women and the shuffling steps of the bearers on the stone pavement They reached the spot where the bereaved husband stood and stopped He laid his hand upon the coffin and mechanically adjusting the pall with which it was covered motioned them onward The turnkeys in the prison lobby took off their hats as it passed through and in another moment the heavy gate closed behind it He looked vacantly upon the crowd and fell heavily to the ground Although for many weeks after this he was watched night and day in the wildest ravings of fever neither the consciousness of his loss nor the recollection of the vow he had made ever left him for a moment Scenes changed before his eyes place succeeded place and event followed event in all the hurry of delirium but they were all connected in some way with the great object of his mind He was sailing over a boundless expanse of sea with a bloodred sky above and the angry waters lashed into fury beneath boiling and eddying up on every side There was another vessel before them toiling and labouring in the howling storm her canvas fluttering in ribbons from the mast and her deck thronged with figures who were lashed to the sides over which huge waves every instant burst sweeping away some devoted creatures into the foaming sea Onward they bore amidst the roaring mass of water with a speed and force which nothing could resist and striking the stem of the foremost vessel crushed her beneath their keel From the huge whirlpool which the sinking wreck occasioned arose a shriek so loud and shrill the deathcry of a hundred drowning creatures blended into one fierce yellthat it rung far above the warcry of the elements and echoed and reechoed till it seemed to pierce air sky and ocean But what was thatthat old gray head that rose above the waters surface and with looks of agony and screams for aid buffeted with the waves One look and he had sprung from the vessels side and with vigorous strokes was swimming towards it He reached it he was close upon it They were his features The old man saw him coming and vainly strove to elude his grasp But he clasped him tight and dragged him beneath the water Down down with him fifty fathoms down his struggles grew fainter and fainter until they wholly ceased He was dead he had killed him and had kept his oath He was traversing the scorching sands of a mighty desert barefoot and alone The sand choked and blinded him its fine thin grains entered the very pores of his skin and irritated him almost to madness Gigantic masses of the same material carried forward by the wind and shone through by the burning sun stalked in the distance like pillars of living fire The bones of men who had perished in the dreary waste lay scattered at his feet a fearful light fell on everything around so far as the eye could reach nothing but objects of dread and horror presented themselves Vainly striving to utter a cry of terror with his tongue cleaving to his mouth he rushed madly forward Armed with supernatural strength he waded through the sand until exhausted with fatigue and thirst he fell senseless on the earth What fragrant coolness revived him what gushing sound was that Water It was indeed a well and the clear fresh stream was running at his feet He drank deeply of it and throwing his aching limbs upon the bank sank into a delicious trance The sound of approaching footsteps roused him An old grayheaded man tottered forward to slake his burning thirst It was he again He wound his arms round the old mans body and held him back He struggled and shrieked for waterfor but one drop of water to save his life But he held the old man firmly and watched his agonies with greedy eyes and when his lifeless head fell forward on his bosom he rolled the corpse from him with his feet When the fever left him and consciousness returned he awoke to find himself rich and free to hear that the parent who would have let him die in jailwould who had let those who were far dearer to him than his own existence die of want and sickness of heart that medicine cannot curehad been found dead in his bed of down He had had all the heart to leave his son a beggar but proud even of his health and strength had put off the act till it was too late and now might gnash his teeth in the other world at the thought of the wealth his remissness had left him He awoke to this and he awoke to more To recollect the purpose for which he lived and to remember that his enemy was his wifes own fatherthe man who had cast him into prison and who when his daughter and her child sued at his feet for mercy had spurned them from his door Oh how he cursed the weakness that prevented him from being up and active in his scheme of vengeance He caused himself to be carried from the scene of his loss and misery and conveyed to a quiet residence on the seacoast not in the hope of recovering his peace of mind or happiness for both were fled for ever but to restore his prostrate energies and meditate on his darling object And here some evil spirit cast in his way the opportunity for his first most horrible revenge It was summertime and wrapped in his gloomy thoughts he would issue from his solitary lodgings early in the evening and wandering along a narrow path beneath the cliffs to a wild and lonely spot that had struck his fancy in his ramblings seat himself on some fallen fragment of the rock and burying his face in his hands remain there for hours sometimes until night had completely closed in and the long shadows of the frowning cliffs above his head cast a thick black darkness on every object near him He was seated here one calm evening in his old position now and then raising his head to watch the flight of a seagull or carry his eye along the glorious crimson path which commencing in the middle of the ocean seemed to lead to its very verge where the sun was setting when the profound stillness of the spot was broken by a loud cry for help he listened doubtful of his having heard aright when the cry was repeated with even greater vehemence than before and starting to his feet he hastened in the direction whence it proceeded The tale told itself at once some scattered garments lay on the beach a human head was just visible above the waves at a little distance from the shore and an old man wringing his hands in agony was running to and fro shrieking for assistance The invalid whose strength was now sufficiently restored threw off his coat and rushed towards the sea with the intention of plunging in and dragging the drowning man ashore Hasten here Sir in Gods name help help sir for the love of Heaven He is my son Sir my only son said the old man frantically as he advanced to meet him My only son Sir and he is dying before his fathers eyes At the first word the old man uttered the stranger checked himself in his career and folding his arms stood perfectly motionless Great God exclaimed the old man recoiling Heyling The stranger smiled and was silent Heyling said the old man wildly my boy Heyling my dear boy look look Gasping for breath the miserable father pointed to the spot where the young man was struggling for life Hark said the old man He cries once more He is alive yet Heyling save him save him The stranger smiled again and remained immovable as a statue I have wronged you shrieked the old man falling on his knees and clasping his hands together Be revenged take my all my life cast me into the water at your feet and if human nature can repress a struggle I will die without stirring hand or foot Do it Heyling do it but save my boy he is so young Heyling so young to die Listen said the stranger grasping the old man fiercely by the wrist I will have life for life and here is one My child died before his fathers eyes a far more agonising and painful death than that young slanderer of his sisters worth is meeting while I speak You laughedlaughed in your daughters face where death had already set his handat our sufferings then What think you of them now See there see there As the stranger spoke he pointed to the sea A faint cry died away upon its surface the last powerful struggle of the dying man agitated the rippling waves for a few seconds and the spot where he had gone down into his early grave was undistinguishable from the surrounding water Three years had elapsed when a gentleman alighted from a private carriage at the door of a London attorney then well known as a man of no great nicety in his professional dealings and requested a private interview on business of importance Although evidently not past the prime of life his face was pale haggard and dejected and it did not require the acute perception of the man of business to discern at a glance that disease or suffering had done more to work a change in his appearance than the mere hand of time could have accomplished in twice the period of his whole life I wish you to undertake some legal business for me said the stranger The attorney bowed obsequiously and glanced at a large packet which the gentleman carried in his hand His visitor observed the look and proceeded It is no common business said he nor have these papers reached my hands without long trouble and great expense The attorney cast a still more anxious look at the packet and his visitor untying the string that bound it disclosed a quantity of promissory notes with copies of deeds and other documents Upon these papers said the client the man whose name they bear has raised as you will see large sums of money for years past There was a tacit understanding between him and the men into whose hands they originally wentand from whom I have by degrees purchased the whole for treble and quadruple their nominal valuethat these loans should be from time to time renewed until a given period had elapsed Such an understanding is nowhere expressed He has sustained many losses of late and these obligations accumulating upon him at once would crush him to the earth The whole amount is many thousands of pounds said the attorney looking over the papers It is said the client What are we to do inquired the man of business Do replied the client with sudden vehemence Put every engine of the law in force every trick that ingenuity can devise and rascality execute fair means and foul the open oppression of the law aided by all the craft of its most ingenious practitioners I would have him die a harassing and lingering death Ruin him seize and sell his lands and goods drive him from house and home and drag him forth a beggar in his old age to die in a common jail But the costs my dear Sir the costs of all this reasoned the attorney when he had recovered from his momentary surprise If the defendant be a man of straw who is to pay the costs Sir Name any sum said the stranger his hand trembling so violently with excitement that he could scarcely hold the pen he seized as he spoke any sum and it is yours Dont be afraid to name it man I shall not think it dear if you gain my object The attorney named a large sum at hazard as the advance he should require to secure himself against the possibility of loss but more with the view of ascertaining how far his client was really disposed to go than with any idea that he would comply with the demand The stranger wrote a cheque upon his banker for the whole amount and left him The draft was duly honoured and the attorney finding that his strange client might be safely relied upon commenced his work in earnest For more than two years afterwards Mr Heyling would sit whole days together in the office poring over the papers as they accumulated and reading again and again his eyes gleaming with joy the letters of remonstrance the prayers for a little delay the representations of the certain ruin in which the opposite party must be involved which poured in as suit after suit and process after process was commenced To all applications for a brief indulgence there was but one replythe money must be paid Land house furniture each in its turn was taken under some one of the numerous executions which were issued and the old man himself would have been immured in prison had he not escaped the vigilance of the officers and fled The implacable animosity of Heyling so far from being satiated by the success of his persecution increased a hundredfold with the ruin he inflicted On being informed of the old mans flight his fury was unbounded He gnashed his teeth with rage tore the hair from his head and assailed with horrid imprecations the men who had been intrusted with the writ He was only restored to comparative calmness by repeated assurances of the certainty of discovering the fugitive Agents were sent in quest of him in all directions every stratagem that could be invented was resorted to for the purpose of discovering his place of retreat but it was all in vain Half a year had passed over and he was still undiscovered At length late one night Heyling of whom nothing had been seen for many weeks before appeared at his attorneys private residence and sent up word that a gentleman wished to see him instantly Before the attorney who had recognised his voice from above stairs could order the servant to admit him he had rushed up the staircase and entered the drawingroom pale and breathless Having closed the door to prevent being overheard he sank into a chair and said in a low voice Hush I have found him at last No said the attorney Well done my dear sir well done He lies concealed in a wretched lodging in Camden Town said Heyling Perhaps it is as well we did lose sight of him for he has been living alone there in the most abject misery all the time and he is poorvery poor Very good said the attorney You will have the caption made to morrow of course Yes replied Heyling Stay No The next day You are surprised at my wishing to postpone it he added with a ghastly smile but I had forgotten The next day is an anniversary in his life let it be done then Very good said the attorney Will you write down instructions for the officer No let him meet me here at eight in the evening and I will accompany him myself They met on the appointed night and hiring a hackneycoach directed the driver to stop at that corner of the old Pancras Road at which stands the parish workhouse By the time they alighted there it was quite dark and proceeding by the dead wall in front of the Veterinary Hospital they entered a small bystreet which is or was at that time called Little College Street and which whatever it may be now was in those days a desolate place enough surrounded by little else than fields and ditches Having drawn the travellingcap he had on half over his face and muffled himself in his cloak Heyling stopped before the meanestlooking house in the street and knocked gently at the door It was at once opened by a woman who dropped a curtsey of recognition and Heyling whispering the officer to remain below crept gently upstairs and opening the door of the front room entered at once The object of his search and his unrelenting animosity now a decrepit old man was seated at a bare deal table on which stood a miserable candle He started on the entrance of the stranger and rose feebly to his feet What now what now said the old man What fresh misery is this What do you want here A word with you replied Heyling As he spoke he seated himself at the other end of the table and throwing off his cloak and cap disclosed his features The old man seemed instantly deprived of speech He fell backward in his chair and clasping his hands together gazed on the apparition with a mingled look of abhorrence and fear This day six years said Heyling I claimed the life you owed me for my childs Beside the lifeless form of your daughter old man I swore to live a life of revenge I have never swerved from my purpose for a moments space but if I had one thought of her uncomplaining suffering look as she drooped away or of the starving face of our innocent child would have nerved me to my task My first act of requital you well remember this is my last The old man shivered and his hands dropped powerless by his side I leave England tomorrow said Heyling after a moments pause To night I consign you to the living death to which you devoted hera hopeless prison He raised his eyes to the old mans countenance and paused He lifted the light to his face set it gently down and left the apartment You had better see to the old man he said to the woman as he opened the door and motioned the officer to follow him into the street I think he is ill The woman closed the door ran hastily upstairs and found him lifeless Beneath a plain gravestone in one of the most peaceful and secluded churchyards in Kent where wild flowers mingle with the grass and the soft landscape around forms the fairest spot in the garden of England lie the bones of the young mother and her gentle child But the ashes of the father do not mingle with theirs nor from that night forward did the attorney ever gain the remotest clue to the subsequent history of his queer client As the old man concluded his tale he advanced to a peg in one corner and taking down his hat and coat put them on with great deliberation and without saying another word walked slowly away As the gentleman with the Mosaic studs had fallen asleep and the major part of the company were deeply occupied in the humorous process of dropping melted tallowgrease into his brandyandwater Mr Pickwick departed unnoticed and having settled his own score and that of Mr Weller issued forth in company with that gentleman from beneath the portal of the Magpie and Stump CHAPTER XXII MR PICKWICK JOURNEYS TO IPSWICH AND MEETS WITH A ROMANTIC ADVENTURE WITH A MIDDLEAGED LADY IN YELLOW CURLPAPERS That ere your governors luggage Sammy inquired Mr Weller of his affectionate son as he entered the yard of the Bull Inn Whitechapel with a travellingbag and a small portmanteau You might ha made a worser guess than that old feller replied Mr Weller the younger setting down his burden in the yard and sitting himself down upon it afterwards The governor hisselfll be down here presently Hes acabbin it I suppose said the father Yes hes a havin two mile o danger at eightpence responded the son Hows motherinlaw this mornin Queer Sammy queer replied the elder Mr Weller with impressive gravity Shes been gettin rayther in the Methodistical order lately Sammy and she is uncommon pious to be sure Shes too good a creetur for me Sammy I feel I dont deserve her Ah said Mr Samuel thats wery selfdenyin o you Wery replied his parent with a sigh Shes got hold o some inwention for grownup people being born again Sammythe new birth I think they calls it I should wery much like to see that system in haction Sammy I should wery much like to see your motherinlaw born again Wouldnt I put her out to nurse What do you think them women does tother day continued Mr Weller after a short pause during which he had significantly struck the side of his nose with his forefinger some halfdozen times What do you think they does tother day Sammy Dont know replied Sam what Goes and gets up a grand tea drinkin for a feller they calls their shepherd said Mr Weller I was astanding starin in at the pictur shop down at our place when I sees a little bill about it tickets halfacrown All applications to be made to the committee Secretary Mrs Weller and when I got home there was the committee asittin in our back parlour Fourteen women I wish you could ha heard em Sammy There they was apassin resolutions and wotin supplies and all sorts o games Well what with your motherinlaw aworrying me to go and what with my looking forard to seein some queer starts if I did I put my name down for a ticket at six oclock on the Friday evenin I dresses myself out wery smart and off I goes with the old ooman and up we walks into a fustfloor where there was teathings for thirty and a whole lot o women as begins whisperin to one another and lookin at me as if theyd never seen a rayther stout genlmn of eightandfifty afore By and by there comes a great bustle downstairs and a lanky chap with a red nose and a white neckcloth rushes up and sings out Heres the shepherd acoming to wisit his faithful flock and in comes a fat chap in black vith a great white face asmilin avay like clockwork Such goins on Sammy The kiss of peace says the shepherd and then he kissed the women all round and ven hed done the man vith the red nose began I was just athinkin whether I hadnt better begin toospecially as there was a wery nice lady asittin next meven in comes the tea and your motherinlaw as had been makin the kettle bile downstairs At it they went tooth and nail Such a precious loud hymn Sammy while the tea was a brewing such a grace such eatin and drinkin I wish you could ha seen the shepherd walkin into the ham and muffins I never see such a chap to eat and drink never The rednosed man warnt by no means the sort of person youd like to grub by contract but he was nothin to the shepherd Well arter the tea was over they sang another hymn and then the shepherd began to preach and wery well he did it considerin how heavy them muffins must have lied on his chest Presently he pulls up all of a sudden and hollers out Where is the sinner where is the misrable sinner Upon which all the women looked at me and began to groan as if they was adying I thought it was rather singler but howsoever I says nothing Presently he pulls up again and lookin wery hard at me says Where is the sinner where is the misrable sinner and all the women groans again ten times louder than afore I got rather savage at this so I takes a step or two forard and says My friend says I did you apply that ere obserwation to me Stead of beggin my pardon as any genlmn would ha done he got more abusive than evercalled me a wessel Sammya wessel of wrathand all sorts o names So my blood being reglarly up I first gave him two or three for himself and then two or three more to hand over to the man with the red nose and walked off I wish you could ha heard how the women screamed Sammy ven they picked up the shepherd from underneath the tableHollo heres the governor the size of life As Mr Weller spoke Mr Pickwick dismounted from a cab and entered the yard Fine mornin Sir said Mr Weller senior Beautiful indeed replied Mr Pickwick Beautiful indeed echoes a redhaired man with an inquisitive nose and green spectacles who had unpacked himself from a cab at the same moment as Mr Pickwick Going to Ipswich Sir I am replied Mr Pickwick Extraordinary coincidence So am I Mr Pickwick bowed Going outside said the redhaired man Mr Pickwick bowed again Bless my soul how remarkableI am going outside too said the red haired man we are positively going together And the redhaired man who was an importantlooking sharpnosed mysteriousspoken personage with a birdlike habit of giving his head a jerk every time he said anything smiled as if he had made one of the strangest discoveries that ever fell to the lot of human wisdom I am happy in the prospect of your company Sir said Mr Pickwick Ah said the newcomer its a good thing for both of us isnt it Company you seecompanyisisits a very different thing from solitudeaint it Theres no denying that ere said Mr Weller joining in the conversation with an affable smile Thats what I call a selfevident proposition as the dogsmeat man said when the housemaid told him he warnt a gentleman Ah said the redhaired man surveying Mr Weller from head to foot with a supercilious look Friend of yours sir Not exactly a friend replied Mr Pickwick in a low tone The fact is he is my servant but I allow him to take a good many liberties for between ourselves I flatter myself he is an original and I am rather proud of him Ah said the redhaired man that you see is a matter of taste I am not fond of anything original I dont like it dont see the necessity for it Whats your name sir Here is my card sir replied Mr Pickwick much amused by the abruptness of the question and the singular manner of the stranger Ah said the redhaired man placing the card in his pocketbook Pickwick very good I like to know a mans name it saves so much trouble Thats my card sir Magnus you will perceive sirMagnus is my name Its rather a good name I think sir A very good name indeed said Mr Pickwick wholly unable to repress a smile Yes I think it is resumed Mr Magnus Theres a good name before it too you will observe Permit me sirif you hold the card a little slanting this way you catch the light upon the upstroke TherePeter Magnussounds well I think sir Very said Mr Pickwick Curious circumstance about those initials sir said Mr Magnus You will observePMpost meridian In hasty notes to intimate acquaintance I sometimes sign myself Afternoon It amuses my friends very much Mr Pickwick It is calculated to afford them the highest gratification I should conceive said Mr Pickwick rather envying the ease with which Mr Magnuss friends were entertained Now genlmn said the hostler coach is ready if you please Is all my luggage in inquired Mr Magnus All right sir Is the red bag in All right Sir And the striped bag Fore boot Sir And the brownpaper parcel Under the seat Sir And the leather hatbox Theyre all in Sir Now will you get up said Mr Pickwick Excuse me replied Magnus standing on the wheel Excuse me Mr Pickwick I cannot consent to get up in this state of uncertainty I am quite satisfied from that mans manner that the leather hatbox is not in The solemn protestations of the hostler being wholly unavailing the leather hatbox was obliged to be raked up from the lowest depth of the boot to satisfy him that it had been safely packed and after he had been assured on this head he felt a solemn presentiment first that the red bag was mislaid and next that the striped bag had been stolen and then that the brownpaper parcel had come untied At length when he had received ocular demonstration of the groundless nature of each and every of these suspicions he consented to climb up to the roof of the coach observing that now he had taken everything off his mind he felt quite comfortable and happy Youre given to nervousness aint you Sir inquired Mr Weller senior eyeing the stranger askance as he mounted to his place Yes I always am rather about these little matters said the stranger but I am all right nowquite right Well thats a blessin said Mr Weller Sammy help your master up to the box tother leg Sir thats it give us your hand Sir Up with you You was a lighter weight when you was a boy sir True enough that Mr Weller said the breathless Mr Pickwick good humouredly as he took his seat on the box beside him Jump up in front Sammy said Mr Weller Now Villam run em out Take care o the archvay genlmn Heads as the pieman says Thatll do Villam Let em alone And away went the coach up Whitechapel to the admiration of the whole population of that pretty densely populated quarter Not a wery nice neighbourhood this Sir said Sam with a touch of the hat which always preceded his entering into conversation with his master It is not indeed Sam replied Mr Pickwick surveying the crowded and filthy street through which they were passing Its a wery remarkable circumstance Sir said Sam that poverty and oysters always seem to go together I dont understand you Sam said Mr Pickwick What I mean sir said Sam is that the poorer a place is the greater call there seems to be for oysters Look here sir heres a oysterstall to every halfdozen houses The streets lined vith em Blessed if I dont think that ven a mans wery poor he rushes out of his lodgings and eats oysters in reglar desperation To be sure he does said Mr Weller senior and its just the same vith pickled salmon Those are two very remarkable facts which never occurred to me before said Mr Pickwick The very first place we stop at Ill make a note of them By this time they had reached the turnpike at Mile End a profound silence prevailed until they had got two or three miles farther on when Mr Weller senior turning suddenly to Mr Pickwick said Wery queer life is a pikekeepers sir A what said Mr Pickwick A pikekeeper What do you mean by a pikekeeper inquired Mr Peter Magnus The old un means a turnpikekeeper genlmn observed Mr Samuel Weller in explanation Oh said Mr Pickwick I see Yes very curious life Very uncomfortable Theyre all on em men as has met vith some disappointment in life said Mr Weller senior Ay ay said Mr Pickwick Yes Consequence of vich they retires from the world and shuts themselves up in pikes partly with the view of being solitary and partly to rewenge themselves on mankind by takin tolls Dear me said Mr Pickwick I never knew that before Fact Sir said Mr Weller if they was genlmn youd call em misanthropes but as it is they only takes to pikekeepin With such conversation possessing the inestimable charm of blending amusement with instruction did Mr Weller beguile the tediousness of the journey during the greater part of the day Topics of conversation were never wanting for even when any pause occurred in Mr Wellers loquacity it was abundantly supplied by the desire evinced by Mr Magnus to make himself acquainted with the whole of the personal history of his fellowtravellers and his loudlyexpressed anxiety at every stage respecting the safety and wellbeing of the two bags the leather hatbox and the brownpaper parcel In the main street of Ipswich on the lefthand side of the way a short distance after you have passed through the open space fronting the Town Hall stands an inn known far and wide by the appellation of the Great White Horse rendered the more conspicuous by a stone statue of some rampacious animal with flowing mane and tail distantly resembling an insane carthorse which is elevated above the principal door The Great White Horse is famous in the neighbourhood in the same degree as a prize ox or a countypaperchronicled turnip or unwieldy pigfor its enormous size Never was such labyrinths of uncarpeted passages such clusters of mouldy illlighted rooms such huge numbers of small dens for eating or sleeping in beneath any one roof as are collected together between the four walls of the Great White Horse at Ipswich It was at the door of this overgrown tavern that the London coach stopped at the same hour every evening and it was from this same London coach that Mr Pickwick Sam Weller and Mr Peter Magnus dismounted on the particular evening to which this chapter of our history bears reference Do you stop here sir inquired Mr Peter Magnus when the striped bag and the red bag and the brownpaper parcel and the leather hat box had all been deposited in the passage Do you stop here sir I do said Mr Pickwick Dear me said Mr Magnus I never knew anything like these extraordinary coincidences Why I stop here too I hope we dine together With pleasure replied Mr Pickwick I am not quite certain whether I have any friends here or not though Is there any gentleman of the name of Tupman here waiter A corpulent man with a fortnights napkin under his arm and coeval stockings on his legs slowly desisted from his occupation of staring down the street on this question being put to him by Mr Pickwick and after minutely inspecting that gentlemans appearance from the crown of his hat to the lowest button of his gaiters replied emphatically No Nor any gentleman of the name of Snodgrass inquired Mr Pickwick No Nor Winkle No My friends have not arrived today Sir said Mr Pickwick We will dine alone then Show us a private room waiter On this request being preferred the corpulent man condescended to order the boots to bring in the gentlemens luggage and preceding them down a long dark passage ushered them into a large badlyfurnished apartment with a dirty grate in which a small fire was making a wretched attempt to be cheerful but was fast sinking beneath the dispiriting influence of the place After the lapse of an hour a bit of fish and a steak was served up to the travellers and when the dinner was cleared away Mr Pickwick and Mr Peter Magnus drew their chairs up to the fire and having ordered a bottle of the worst possible port wine at the highest possible price for the good of the house drank brandyandwater for their own Mr Peter Magnus was naturally of a very communicative disposition and the brandyandwater operated with wonderful effect in warming into life the deepest hidden secrets of his bosom After sundry accounts of himself his family his connections his friends his jokes his business and his brothers most talkative men have a great deal to say about their brothers Mr Peter Magnus took a view of Mr Pickwick through his coloured spectacles for several minutes and then said with an air of modesty And what do you thinkwhat do you think Mr PickwickI have come down here for Upon my word said Mr Pickwick it is wholly impossible for me to guess on business perhaps Partly right Sir replied Mr Peter Magnus but partly wrong at the same time try again Mr Pickwick Really said Mr Pickwick I must throw myself on your mercy to tell me or not as you may think best for I should never guess if I were to try all night Why then hehehe said Mr Peter Magnus with a bashful titter what should you think Mr Pickwick if I had come down here to make a proposal Sir eh He he he Think That you are very likely to succeed replied Mr Pickwick with one of his beaming smiles Ah said Mr Magnus But do you really think so Mr Pickwick Do you though Certainly said Mr Pickwick No but youre joking though I am not indeed Why then said Mr Magnus to let you into a little secret I think so too I dont mind telling you Mr Pickwick although Im dreadful jealous by naturehorridthat the lady is in this house Here Mr Magnus took off his spectacles on purpose to wink and then put them on again Thats what you were running out of the room for before dinner then so often said Mr Pickwick archly Hush Yes youre right that was it not such a fool as to see her though No No wouldnt do you know after having just come off a journey Wait till tomorrow sir double the chance then Mr Pickwick Sir there is a suit of clothes in that bag and a hat in that box which I expect in the effect they will produce will be invaluable to me sir Indeed said Mr Pickwick Yes you must have observed my anxiety about them today I do not believe that such another suit of clothes and such a hat could be bought for money Mr Pickwick Mr Pickwick congratulated the fortunate owner of the irresistible garments on their acquisition and Mr Peter Magnus remained a few moments apparently absorbed in contemplation Shes a fine creature said Mr Magnus Is she said Mr Pickwick Very said Mr Magnus Very She lives about twenty miles from here Mr Pickwick I heard she would be here tonight and all tomorrow forenoon and came down to seize the opportunity I think an inn is a good sort of a place to propose to a single woman in Mr Pickwick She is more likely to feel the loneliness of her situation in travelling perhaps than she would be at home What do you think Mr Pickwick I think it is very probable replied that gentleman I beg your pardon Mr Pickwick said Mr Peter Magnus but I am naturally rather curious what may you have come down here for On a far less pleasant errand Sir replied Mr Pickwick the colour mounting to his face at the recollection I have come down here Sir to expose the treachery and falsehood of an individual upon whose truth and honour I placed implicit reliance Dear me said Mr Peter Magnus thats very unpleasant It is a lady I presume Eh ah Sly Mr Pickwick sly Well Mr Pickwick sir I wouldnt probe your feelings for the world Painful subjects these sir very painful Dont mind me Mr Pickwick if you wish to give vent to your feelings I know what it is to be jilted Sir I have endured that sort of thing three or four times I am much obliged to you for your condolence on what you presume to be my melancholy case said Mr Pickwick winding up his watch and laying it on the table but No no said Mr Peter Magnus not a word more its a painful subject I see I see Whats the time Mr Pickwick Past twelve Dear me its time to go to bed It will never do sitting here I shall be pale tomorrow Mr Pickwick At the bare notion of such a calamity Mr Peter Magnus rang the bell for the chambermaid and the striped bag the red bag the leathern hat box and the brownpaper parcel having been conveyed to his bedroom he retired in company with a japanned candlestick to one side of the house while Mr Pickwick and another japanned candlestick were conducted through a multitude of tortuous windings to another This is your room sir said the chambermaid Very well replied Mr Pickwick looking round him It was a tolerably large doublebedded room with a fire upon the whole a more comfortablelooking apartment than Mr Pickwicks short experience of the accommodations of the Great White Horse had led him to expect Nobody sleeps in the other bed of course said Mr Pickwick Oh no Sir Very good Tell my servant to bring me up some hot water at halfpast eight in the morning and that I shall not want him any more tonight Yes Sir and bidding Mr Pickwick goodnight the chambermaid retired and left him alone Mr Pickwick sat himself down in a chair before the fire and fell into a train of rambling meditations First he thought of his friends and wondered when they would join him then his mind reverted to Mrs Martha Bardell and from that lady it wandered by a natural process to the dingy countinghouse of Dodson Fogg From Dodson Foggs it flew off at a tangent to the very centre of the history of the queer client and then it came back to the Great White Horse at Ipswich with sufficient clearness to convince Mr Pickwick that he was falling asleep So he roused himself and began to undress when he recollected he had left his watch on the table downstairs Now this watch was a special favourite with Mr Pickwick having been carried about beneath the shadow of his waistcoat for a greater number of years than we feel called upon to state at present The possibility of going to sleep unless it were ticking gently beneath his pillow or in the watchpocket over his head had never entered Mr Pickwicks brain So as it was pretty late now and he was unwilling to ring his bell at that hour of the night he slipped on his coat of which he had just divested himself and taking the japanned candlestick in his hand walked quietly downstairs The more stairs Mr Pickwick went down the more stairs there seemed to be to descend and again and again when Mr Pickwick got into some narrow passage and began to congratulate himself on having gained the groundfloor did another flight of stairs appear before his astonished eyes At last he reached a stone hall which he remembered to have seen when he entered the house Passage after passage did he explore room after room did he peep into at length as he was on the point of giving up the search in despair he opened the door of the identical room in which he had spent the evening and beheld his missing property on the table Mr Pickwick seized the watch in triumph and proceeded to retrace his steps to his bedchamber If his progress downward had been attended with difficulties and uncertainty his journey back was infinitely more perplexing Rows of doors garnished with boots of every shape make and size branched off in every possible direction A dozen times did he softly turn the handle of some bedroom door which resembled his own when a gruff cry from within of Who the devils that or What do you want here caused him to steal away on tiptoe with a perfectly marvellous celerity He was reduced to the verge of despair when an open door attracted his attention He peeped in Right at last There were the two beds whose situation he perfectly remembered and the fire still burning His candle not a long one when he first received it had flickered away in the drafts of air through which he had passed and sank into the socket as he closed the door after him No matter said Mr Pickwick I can undress myself just as well by the light of the fire The bedsteads stood one on each side of the door and on the inner side of each was a little path terminating in a rushbottomed chair just wide enough to admit of a persons getting into or out of bed on that side if he or she thought proper Having carefully drawn the curtains of his bed on the outside Mr Pickwick sat down on the rushbottomed chair and leisurely divested himself of his shoes and gaiters He then took off and folded up his coat waistcoat and neckcloth and slowly drawing on his tasselled nightcap secured it firmly on his head by tying beneath his chin the strings which he always had attached to that article of dress It was at this moment that the absurdity of his recent bewilderment struck upon his mind Throwing himself back in the rush bottomed chair Mr Pickwick laughed to himself so heartily that it would have been quite delightful to any man of wellconstituted mind to have watched the smiles that expanded his amiable features as they shone forth from beneath the nightcap It is the best idea said Mr Pickwick to himself smiling till he almost cracked the nightcap stringsit is the best idea my losing myself in this place and wandering about these staircases that I ever heard of Droll droll very droll Here Mr Pickwick smiled again a broader smile than before and was about to continue the process of undressing in the best possible humour when he was suddenly stopped by a most unexpected interruption to wit the entrance into the room of some person with a candle who after locking the door advanced to the dressingtable and set down the light upon it The smile that played on Mr Pickwicks features was instantaneously lost in a look of the most unbounded and wonderstricken surprise The person whoever it was had come in so suddenly and with so little noise that Mr Pickwick had had no time to call out or oppose their entrance Who could it be A robber Some evilminded person who had seen him come upstairs with a handsome watch in his hand perhaps What was he to do The only way in which Mr Pickwick could catch a glimpse of his mysterious visitor with the least danger of being seen himself was by creeping on to the bed and peeping out from between the curtains on the opposite side To this manoeuvre he accordingly resorted Keeping the curtains carefully closed with his hand so that nothing more of him could be seen than his face and nightcap and putting on his spectacles he mustered up courage and looked out Mr Pickwick almost fainted with horror and dismay Standing before the dressingglass was a middleaged lady in yellow curlpapers busily engaged in brushing what ladies call their backhair However the unconscious middleaged lady came into that room it was quite clear that she contemplated remaining there for the night for she had brought a rushlight and shade with her which with praiseworthy precaution against fire she had stationed in a basin on the floor where it was glimmering away like a gigantic lighthouse in a particularly small piece of water Bless my soul thought Mr Pickwick what a dreadful thing Hem said the lady and in went Mr Pickwicks head with automaton like rapidity I never met with anything so awful as this thought poor Mr Pickwick the cold perspiration starting in drops upon his nightcap Never This is fearful It was quite impossible to resist the urgent desire to see what was going forward So out went Mr Pickwicks head again The prospect was worse than before The middleaged lady had finished arranging her hair had carefully enveloped it in a muslin nightcap with a small plaited border and was gazing pensively on the fire This matter is growing alarming reasoned Mr Pickwick with himself I cant allow things to go on in this way By the selfpossession of that lady it is clear to me that I must have come into the wrong room If I call out shell alarm the house but if I remain here the consequences will be still more frightful Mr Pickwick it is quite unnecessary to say was one of the most modest and delicateminded of mortals The very idea of exhibiting his nightcap to a lady overpowered him but he had tied those confounded strings in a knot and do what he would he couldnt get it off The disclosure must be made There was only one other way of doing it He shrunk behind the curtains and called out very loudly Hahum That the lady started at this unexpected sound was evident by her falling up against the rushlight shade that she persuaded herself it must have been the effect of imagination was equally clear for when Mr Pickwick under the impression that she had fainted away stonedead with fright ventured to peep out again she was gazing pensively on the fire as before Most extraordinary female this thought Mr Pickwick popping in again Hahum These last sounds so like those in which as legends inform us the ferocious giant Blunderbore was in the habit of expressing his opinion that it was time to lay the cloth were too distinctly audible to be again mistaken for the workings of fancy Gracious Heaven said the middleaged lady whats that Itsitsonly a gentleman maam said Mr Pickwick from behind the curtains A gentleman said the lady with a terrific scream Its all over thought Mr Pickwick A strange man shrieked the lady Another instant and the house would be alarmed Her garments rustled as she rushed towards the door Maam said Mr Pickwick thrusting out his head in the extremity of his desperation maam Now although Mr Pickwick was not actuated by any definite object in putting out his head it was instantaneously productive of a good effect The lady as we have already stated was near the door She must pass it to reach the staircase and she would most undoubtedly have done so by this time had not the sudden apparition of Mr Pickwicks nightcap driven her back into the remotest corner of the apartment where she stood staring wildly at Mr Pickwick while Mr Pickwick in his turn stared wildly at her Wretch said the lady covering her eyes with her hands what do you want here Nothing maam nothing whatever maam said Mr Pickwick earnestly Nothing said the lady looking up Nothing maam upon my honour said Mr Pickwick nodding his head so energetically that the tassel of his nightcap danced again I am almost ready to sink maam beneath the confusion of addressing a lady in my nightcap here the lady hastily snatched off hers but I cant get it off maam here Mr Pickwick gave it a tremendous tug in proof of the statement It is evident to me maam now that I have mistaken this bedroom for my own I had not been here five minutes maam when you suddenly entered it If this improbable story be really true Sir said the lady sobbing violently you will leave it instantly I will maam with the greatest pleasure replied Mr Pickwick Instantly sir said the lady Certainly maam interposed Mr Pickwick very quickly Certainly maam IIam very sorry maam said Mr Pickwick making his appearance at the bottom of the bed to have been the innocent occasion of this alarm and emotion deeply sorry maam The lady pointed to the door One excellent quality of Mr Pickwicks character was beautifully displayed at this moment under the most trying circumstances Although he had hastily put on his hat over his nightcap after the manner of the old patrol although he carried his shoes and gaiters in his hand and his coat and waistcoat over his arm nothing could subdue his native politeness I am exceedingly sorry maam said Mr Pickwick bowing very low If you are Sir you will at once leave the room said the lady Immediately maam this instant maam said Mr Pickwick opening the door and dropping both his shoes with a crash in so doing I trust maam resumed Mr Pickwick gathering up his shoes and turning round to bow againI trust maam that my unblemished character and the devoted respect I entertain for your sex will plead as some slight excuse for this But before Mr Pickwick could conclude the sentence the lady had thrust him into the passage and locked and bolted the door behind him Whatever grounds of selfcongratulation Mr Pickwick might have for having escaped so quietly from his late awkward situation his present position was by no means enviable He was alone in an open passage in a strange house in the middle of the night half dressed it was not to be supposed that he could find his way in perfect darkness to a room which he had been wholly unable to discover with a light and if he made the slightest noise in his fruitless attempts to do so he stood every chance of being shot at and perhaps killed by some wakeful traveller He had no resource but to remain where he was until daylight appeared So after groping his way a few paces down the passage and to his infinite alarm stumbling over several pairs of boots in so doing Mr Pickwick crouched into a little recess in the wall to wait for morning as philosophically as he might He was not destined however to undergo this additional trial of patience for he had not been long ensconced in his present concealment when to his unspeakable horror a man bearing a light appeared at the end of the passage His horror was suddenly converted into joy however when he recognised the form of his faithful attendant It was indeed Mr Samuel Weller who after sitting up thus late in conversation with the boots who was sitting up for the mail was now about to retire to rest Sam said Mr Pickwick suddenly appearing before him wheres my bedroom Mr Weller stared at his master with the most emphatic surprise and it was not until the question had been repeated three several times that he turned round and led the way to the longsought apartment Sam said Mr Pickwick as he got into bed I have made one of the most extraordinary mistakes tonight that ever were heard of Wery likely Sir replied Mr Weller drily But of this I am determined Sam said Mr Pickwick that if I were to stop in this house for six months I would never trust myself about it alone again Thats the wery prudentest resolution as you could come to Sir replied Mr Weller You rayther want somebody to look arter you Sir when your judgment goes out a wisitin What do you mean by that Sam said Mr Pickwick He raised himself in bed and extended his hand as if he were about to say something more but suddenly checking himself turned round and bade his valet Good night Goodnight Sir replied Mr Weller He paused when he got outside the doorshook his headwalked onstoppedsnuffed the candleshook his head againand finally proceeded slowly to his chamber apparently buried in the profoundest meditation CHAPTER XXIII IN WHICH MR SAMUEL WELLER BEGINS TO DEVOTE HIS ENERGIES TO THE RETURN MATCH BETWEEN HIMSELF AND MR TROTTER In a small room in the vicinity of the stableyard betimes in the morning which was ushered in by Mr Pickwicks adventure with the middleaged lady in the yellow curlpapers sat Mr Weller senior preparing himself for his journey to London He was sitting in an excellent attitude for having his portrait taken and here it is It is very possible that at some earlier period of his career Mr Wellers profile might have presented a bold and determined outline His face however had expanded under the influence of good living and a disposition remarkable for resignation and its bold fleshy curves had so far extended beyond the limits originally assigned them that unless you took a full view of his countenance in front it was difficult to distinguish more than the extreme tip of a very rubicund nose His chin from the same cause had acquired the grave and imposing form which is generally described by prefixing the word double to that expressive feature and his complexion exhibited that peculiarly mottled combination of colours which is only to be seen in gentlemen of his profession and in underdone roast beef Round his neck he wore a crimson travellingshawl which merged into his chin by such imperceptible gradations that it was difficult to distinguish the folds of the one from the folds of the other Over this he mounted a long waistcoat of a broad pinkstriped pattern and over that again a wide skirted green coat ornamented with large brass buttons whereof the two which garnished the waist were so far apart that no man had ever beheld them both at the same time His hair which was short sleek and black was just visible beneath the capacious brim of a lowcrowned brown hat His legs were encased in kneecord breeches and painted top boots and a copper watchchain terminating in one seal and a key of the same material dangled loosely from his capacious waistband We have said that Mr Weller was engaged in preparing for his journey to Londonhe was taking sustenance in fact On the table before him stood a pot of ale a cold round of beef and a very respectablelooking loaf to each of which he distributed his favours in turn with the most rigid impartiality He had just cut a mighty slice from the latter when the footsteps of somebody entering the room caused him to raise his head and he beheld his son Mornin Sammy said the father The son walked up to the pot of ale and nodding significantly to his parent took a long draught by way of reply Wery good power o suction Sammy said Mr Weller the elder looking into the pot when his firstborn had set it down half empty Youd ha made an uncommon fine oyster Sammy if youd been born in that station o life Yes I dessay I should ha managed to pick up a respectable livin replied Sam applying himself to the cold beef with considerable vigour Im wery sorry Sammy said the elder Mr Weller shaking up the ale by describing small circles with the pot preparatory to drinking Im wery sorry Sammy to hear from your lips as you let yourself be gammoned by that ere mulberry man I always thought up to three days ago that the names of Veller and gammon could never come into contract Sammy never Always exceptin the case of a widder of course said Sam Widders Sammy replied Mr Weller slightly changing colour Widders are ceptions to evry rule I have heerd how many ordinary women one widders equal to in pint o comin over you I think its fiveand twenty but I dont rightly know vether it aint more Well thats pretty well said Sam Besides continued Mr Weller not noticing the interruption thats a wery different thing You know what the counsel said Sammy as defended the genlmn as beat his wife with the poker venever he got jolly And arter all my Lord says he its a amiable weakness So I says respectin widders Sammy and so youll say ven you gets as old as me I ought to ha knowd better I know said Sam Ought to ha knowd better repeated Mr Weller striking the table with his fist Ought to ha knowd better why I know a young un as hasnt had half nor quarter your eddicationas hasnt slept about the markets no not six monthswhod ha scorned to be let in in such a vay scorned it Sammy In the excitement of feeling produced by this agonising reflection Mr Weller rang the bell and ordered an additional pint of ale Well its no use talking about it now said Sam Its over and cant be helped and thats one consolation as they always says in Turkey ven they cuts the wrong mans head off Its my innings now govnor and as soon as I catches hold o this ere Trotter Ill have a good un I hope you will Sammy I hope you will returned Mr Weller Heres your health Sammy and may you speedily vipe off the disgrace as youve inflicted on the family name In honour of this toast Mr Weller imbibed at a draught at least twothirds of a newlyarrived pint and handed it over to his son to dispose of the remainder which he instantaneously did And now Sammy said Mr Weller consulting a large doublefaced silver watch that hung at the end of the copper chain Now its time I was up at the office to get my vaybill and see the coach loaded for coaches Sammy is like gunsthey requires to be loaded with wery great care afore they go off At this parental and professional joke Mr Weller junior smiled a filial smile His revered parent continued in a solemn tone Im agoin to leave you Samivel my boy and theres no telling ven I shall see you again Your motherinlaw may ha been too much for me or a thousand things may have happened by the time you next hears any news o the celebrated Mr Veller o the Bell Savage The family name depends wery much upon you Samivel and I hope youll do wots right by it Upon all little pints o breedin I know I may trust you as vell as if it was my own self So Ive only this here one little bit of adwice to give you If ever you gets to upards o fifty and feels disposed to go amarryin anybodyno matter whojist you shut yourself up in your own room if youve got one and pison yourself off hand Hangins wulgar so dont you have nothin to say to that Pison yourself Samivel my boy pison yourself and youll be glad on it arterwards With these affecting words Mr Weller looked steadfastly on his son and turning slowly upon his heel disappeared from his sight In the contemplative mood which these words had awakened Mr Samuel Weller walked forth from the Great White Horse when his father had left him and bending his steps towards St Clements Church endeavoured to dissipate his melancholy by strolling among its ancient precincts He had loitered about for some time when he found himself in a retired spota kind of courtyard of venerable appearancewhich he discovered had no other outlet than the turning by which he had entered He was about retracing his steps when he was suddenly transfixed to the spot by a sudden appearance and the mode and manner of this appearance we now proceed to relate Mr Samuel Weller had been staring up at the old brick houses now and then in his deep abstraction bestowing a wink upon some healthy looking servant girl as she drew up a blind or threw open a bedroom window when the green gate of a garden at the bottom of the yard opened and a man having emerged therefrom closed the green gate very carefully after him and walked briskly towards the very spot where Mr Weller was standing Now taking this as an isolated fact unaccompanied by any attendant circumstances there was nothing very extraordinary in it because in many parts of the world men do come out of gardens close green gates after them and even walk briskly away without attracting any particular share of public observation It is clear therefore that there must have been something in the man or in his manner or both to attract Mr Wellers particular notice Whether there was or not we must leave the reader to determine when we have faithfully recorded the behaviour of the individual in question When the man had shut the green gate after him he walked as we have said twice already with a brisk pace up the courtyard but he no sooner caught sight of Mr Weller than he faltered and stopped as if uncertain for the moment what course to adopt As the green gate was closed behind him and there was no other outlet but the one in front however he was not long in perceiving that he must pass Mr Samuel Weller to get away He therefore resumed his brisk pace and advanced staring straight before him The most extraordinary thing about the man was that he was contorting his face into the most fearful and astonishing grimaces that ever were beheld Natures handiwork never was disguised with such extraordinary artificial carving as the man had overlaid his countenance with in one moment Well said Mr Weller to himself as the man approached This is wery odd I could ha swore it was him Up came the man and his face became more frightfully distorted than ever as he drew nearer I could take my oath to that ere black hair and mulberry suit said Mr Weller only I never see such a face as that afore As Mr Weller said this the mans features assumed an unearthly twinge perfectly hideous He was obliged to pass very near Sam however and the scrutinising glance of that gentleman enabled him to detect under all these appalling twists of feature something too like the small eyes of Mr Job Trotter to be easily mistaken Hollo you Sir shouted Sam fiercely The stranger stopped Hollo repeated Sam still more gruffly The man with the horrible face looked with the greatest surprise up the court and down the court and in at the windows of the houses everywhere but at Sam Wellerand took another step forward when he was brought to again by another shout Hollo you sir said Sam for the third time There was no pretending to mistake where the voice came from now so the stranger having no other resource at last looked Sam Weller full in the face It wont do Job Trotter said Sam Come None o that ere nonsense You aint so wery andsome that you can afford to throw avay many o your good looks Bring them ere eyes o yourn back into their proper places or Ill knock em out of your head Dye hear As Mr Weller appeared fully disposed to act up to the spirit of this address Mr Trotter gradually allowed his face to resume its natural expression and then giving a start of joy exclaimed What do I see Mr Walker Ah replied Sam Youre wery glad to see me aint you Glad exclaimed Job Trotter Oh Mr Walker if you had but known how I have looked forward to this meeting It is too much Mr Walker I cannot bear it indeed I cannot And with these words Mr Trotter burst into a regular inundation of tears and flinging his arms around those of Mr Weller embraced him closely in an ecstasy of joy Get off cried Sam indignant at this process and vainly endeavouring to extricate himself from the grasp of his enthusiastic acquaintance Get off I tell you What are you crying over me for you portable engine Because I am so glad to see you replied Job Trotter gradually releasing Mr Weller as the first symptoms of his pugnacity disappeared Oh Mr Walker this is too much Too much echoed Sam I think it is too muchrayther Now what have you got to say to me eh Mr Trotter made no reply for the little pink pockethandkerchief was in full force What have you got to say to me afore I knock your head off repeated Mr Weller in a threatening manner Eh said Mr Trotter with a look of virtuous surprise What have you got to say to me I Mr Walker Dont call me Valker my names Veller you know that vell enough What have you got to say to me Bless you Mr WalkerWeller I meana great many things if you will come away somewhere where we can talk comfortably If you knew how I have looked for you Mr Weller Wery hard indeed I spose said Sam drily Very very Sir replied Mr Trotter without moving a muscle of his face But shake hands Mr Weller Sam eyed his companion for a few seconds and then as if actuated by a sudden impulse complied with his request How said Job Trotter as they walked away how is your dear good master Oh he is a worthy gentleman Mr Weller I hope he didnt catch cold that dreadful night Sir There was a momentary look of deep slyness in Job Trotters eye as he said this which ran a thrill through Mr Wellers clenched fist as he burned with a desire to make a demonstration on his ribs Sam constrained himself however and replied that his master was extremely well Oh I am so glad replied Mr Trotter is he here Is yourn asked Sam by way of reply Oh yes he is here and I grieve to say Mr Weller he is going on worse than ever Ah ah said Sam Oh shockingterrible At a boardingschool said Sam No not at a boardingschool replied Job Trotter with the same sly look which Sam had noticed before not at a boardingschool At the house with the green gate said Sam eyeing his companion closely No nooh not there replied Job with a quickness very unusual to him not there What was you adoin there asked Sam with a sharp glance Got inside the gate by accident perhaps Why Mr Weller replied Job I dont mind telling you my little secrets because you know we took such a fancy for each other when we first met You recollect how pleasant we were that morning Oh yes said Sam impatiently I remember Well Well replied Job speaking with great precision and in the low tone of a man who communicates an important secret in that house with the green gate Mr Weller they keep a good many servants So I should think from the look on it interposed Sam Yes continued Mr Trotter and one of them is a cook who has saved up a little money Mr Weller and is desirous if she can establish herself in life to open a little shop in the chandlery way you see Yes Yes Mr Weller Well Sir I met her at a chapel that I go to a very neat little chapel in this town Mr Weller where they sing the number four collection of hymns which I generally carry about with me in a little book which you may perhaps have seen in my handand I got a little intimate with her Mr Weller and from that an acquaintance sprung up between us and I may venture to say Mr Weller that I am to be the chandler Ah and a wery amiable chandler youll make replied Sam eyeing Job with a side look of intense dislike The great advantage of this Mr Weller continued Job his eyes filling with tears as he spoke will be that I shall be able to leave my present disgraceful service with that bad man and to devote myself to a better and more virtuous life more like the way in which I was brought up Mr Weller You must ha been wery nicely brought up said Sam Oh very Mr Weller very replied Job At the recollection of the purity of his youthful days Mr Trotter pulled forth the pink handkerchief and wept copiously You must ha been an uncommon nice boy to go to school vith said Sam I was sir replied Job heaving a deep sigh I was the idol of the place Ah said Sam I dont wonder at it What a comfort you must ha been to your blessed mother At these words Mr Job Trotter inserted an end of the pink handkerchief into the corner of each eye one after the other and began to weep copiously Wots the matter with the man said Sam indignantly Chelsea water works is nothin to you What are you melting vith now The consciousness o willainy I cannot keep my feelings down Mr Weller said Job after a short pause To think that my master should have suspected the conversation I had with yours and so dragged me away in a postchaise and after persuading the sweet young lady to say she knew nothing of him and bribing the schoolmistress to do the same deserted her for a better speculation Oh Mr Weller it makes me shudder Oh that was the vay was it said Mr Weller To be sure it was replied Job Vell said Sam as they had now arrived near the hotel I vant to have a little bit o talk with you Job so if youre not partickler engaged I should like to see you at the Great White Horse tonight somewheres about eight oclock I shall be sure to come said Job Yes youd better replied Sam with a very meaning look or else I shall perhaps be askin arter you at the other side of the green gate and then I might cut you out you know I shall be sure to be with you sir said Mr Trotter and wringing Sams hand with the utmost fervour he walked away Take care Job Trotter take care said Sam looking after him or I shall be one too many for you this time I shall indeed Having uttered this soliloquy and looked after Job till he was to be seen no more Mr Weller made the best of his way to his masters bedroom Its all in training Sir said Sam Whats in training Sam inquired Mr Pickwick Ive found em out Sir said Sam Found out who That ere queer customer and the melancholly chap with the black hair Impossible Sam said Mr Pickwick with the greatest energy Where are they Sam where are they Hush hush replied Mr Weller and as he assisted Mr Pickwick to dress he detailed the plan of action on which he proposed to enter But when is this to be done Sam inquired Mr Pickwick All in good time Sir replied Sam Whether it was done in good time or not will be seen hereafter CHAPTER XXIV WHEREIN MR PETER MAGNUS GROWS JEALOUS AND THE MIDDLE AGED LADY APPREHENSIVE WHICH BRINGS THE PICKWICKIANS WITHIN THE GRASP OF THE LAW When Mr Pickwick descended to the room in which he and Mr Peter Magnus had spent the preceding evening he found that gentleman with the major part of the contents of the two bags the leathern hatbox and the brownpaper parcel displaying to all possible advantage on his person while he himself was pacing up and down the room in a state of the utmost excitement and agitation Goodmorning Sir said Mr Peter Magnus What do you think of this Sir Very effective indeed replied Mr Pickwick surveying the garments of Mr Peter Magnus with a goodnatured smile Yes I think itll do said Mr Magnus Mr Pickwick Sir I have sent up my card Have you said Mr Pickwick And the waiter brought back word that she would see me at elevenat eleven Sir it only wants a quarter now Very near the time said Mr Pickwick Yes it is rather near replied Mr Magnus rather too near to be pleasanteh Mr Pickwick sir Confidence is a great thing in these cases observed Mr Pickwick I believe it is Sir said Mr Peter Magnus I am very confident Sir Really Mr Pickwick I do not see why a man should feel any fear in such a case as this sir What is it Sir Theres nothing to be ashamed of its a matter of mutual accommodation nothing more Husband on one side wife on the other Thats my view of the matter Mr Pickwick It is a very philosophical one replied Mr Pickwick But breakfast is waiting Mr Magnus Come Down they sat to breakfast but it was evident notwithstanding the boasting of Mr Peter Magnus that he laboured under a very considerable degree of nervousness of which loss of appetite a propensity to upset the teathings a spectral attempt at drollery and an irresistible inclination to look at the clock every other second were among the principal symptoms Hehehe tittered Mr Magnus affecting cheerfulness and gasping with agitation It only wants two minutes Mr Pickwick Am I pale Sir Not very replied Mr Pickwick There was a brief pause I beg your pardon Mr Pickwick but have you ever done this sort of thing in your time said Mr Magnus You mean proposing said Mr Pickwick Yes Never said Mr Pickwick with great energy never You have no idea then how its best to begin said Mr Magnus Why said Mr Pickwick I may have formed some ideas upon the subject but as I have never submitted them to the test of experience I should be sorry if you were induced to regulate your proceedings by them I should feel very much obliged to you for any advice Sir said Mr Magnus taking another look at the clock the hand of which was verging on the five minutes past Well sir said Mr Pickwick with the profound solemnity with which that great man could when he pleased render his remarks so deeply impressive I should commence sir with a tribute to the ladys beauty and excellent qualities from them Sir I should diverge to my own unworthiness Very good said Mr Magnus Unworthiness for her only mind sir resumed Mr Pickwick for to show that I was not wholly unworthy sir I should take a brief review of my past life and present condition I should argue by analogy that to anybody else I must be a very desirable object I should then expatiate on the warmth of my love and the depth of my devotion Perhaps I might then be tempted to seize her hand Yes I see said Mr Magnus that would be a very great point I should then Sir continued Mr Pickwick growing warmer as the subject presented itself in more glowing colours before himI should then Sir come to the plain and simple question Will you have me I think I am justified in assuming that upon this she would turn away her head You think that may be taken for granted said Mr Magnus because if she did not do that at the right place it would be embarrassing I think she would said Mr Pickwick Upon this sir I should squeeze her hand and I thinkI think Mr Magnusthat after I had done that supposing there was no refusal I should gently draw away the handkerchief which my slight knowledge of human nature leads me to suppose the lady would be applying to her eyes at the moment and steal a respectful kiss I think I should kiss her Mr Magnus and at this particular point I am decidedly of opinion that if the lady were going to take me at all she would murmur into my ears a bashful acceptance Mr Magnus started gazed on Mr Pickwicks intelligent face for a short time in silence and then the dial pointing to the ten minutes past shook him warmly by the hand and rushed desperately from the room Mr Pickwick had taken a few strides to and fro and the small hand of the clock following the latter part of his example had arrived at the figure which indicates the halfhour when the door suddenly opened He turned round to meet Mr Peter Magnus and encountered in his stead the joyous face of Mr Tupman the serene countenance of Mr Winkle and the intellectual lineaments of Mr Snodgrass As Mr Pickwick greeted them Mr Peter Magnus tripped into the room My friends the gentleman I was speaking ofMr Magnus said Mr Pickwick Your servant gentlemen said Mr Magnus evidently in a high state of excitement Mr Pickwick allow me to speak to you one moment sir As he said this Mr Magnus harnessed his forefinger to Mr Pickwicks buttonhole and drawing him to a window recess said Congratulate me Mr Pickwick I followed your advice to the very letter And it was all correct was it inquired Mr Pickwick It was Sir Could not possibly have been better replied Mr Magnus Mr Pickwick she is mine I congratulate you with all my heart replied Mr Pickwick warmly shaking his new friend by the hand You must see her Sir said Mr Magnus this way if you please Excuse us for one instant gentlemen Hurrying on in this way Mr Peter Magnus drew Mr Pickwick from the room He paused at the next door in the passage and tapped gently thereat Come in said a female voice And in they went Miss Witherfield said Mr Magnus allow me to introduce my very particular friend Mr Pickwick Mr Pickwick I beg to make you known to Miss Witherfield The lady was at the upper end of the room As Mr Pickwick bowed he took his spectacles from his waistcoat pocket and put them on a process which he had no sooner gone through than uttering an exclamation of surprise Mr Pickwick retreated several paces and the lady with a halfsuppressed scream hid her face in her hands and dropped into a chair whereupon Mr Peter Magnus was stricken motionless on the spot and gazed from one to the other with a countenance expressive of the extremities of horror and surprise This certainly was to all appearance very unaccountable behaviour but the fact is that Mr Pickwick no sooner put on his spectacles than he at once recognised in the future Mrs Magnus the lady into whose room he had so unwarrantably intruded on the previous night and the spectacles had no sooner crossed Mr Pickwicks nose than the lady at once identified the countenance which she had seen surrounded by all the horrors of a nightcap So the lady screamed and Mr Pickwick started Mr Pickwick exclaimed Mr Magnus lost in astonishment what is the meaning of this Sir What is the meaning of it Sir added Mr Magnus in a threatening and a louder tone Sir said Mr Pickwick somewhat indignant at the very sudden manner in which Mr Peter Magnus had conjugated himself into the imperative mood I decline answering that question You decline it Sir said Mr Magnus I do Sir replied Mr Pickwick I object to say anything which may compromise that lady or awaken unpleasant recollections in her breast without her consent and permission Miss Witherfield said Mr Peter Magnus do you know this person Know him repeated the middleaged lady hesitating Yes know him maam I said know him replied Mr Magnus with ferocity I have seen him replied the middleaged lady Where inquired Mr Magnus where That said the middleaged lady rising from her seat and averting her headthat I would not reveal for worlds I understand you maam said Mr Pickwick and respect your delicacy it shall never be revealed by me depend upon it Upon my word maam said Mr Magnus considering the situation in which I am placed with regard to yourself you carry this matter off with tolerable coolnesstolerable coolness maam Cruel Mr Magnus said the middleaged lady here she wept very copiously indeed Address your observations to me sir interposed Mr Pickwick I alone am to blame if anybody be Oh you alone are to blame are you sir said Mr Magnus IIsee through this sir You repent of your determination now do you My determination said Mr Pickwick Your determination Sir Oh dont stare at me Sir said Mr Magnus I recollect your words last night Sir You came down here sir to expose the treachery and falsehood of an individual on whose truth and honour you had placed implicit relianceeh Here Mr Peter Magnus indulged in a prolonged sneer and taking off his green spectacles which he probably found superfluous in his fit of jealousyrolled his little eyes about in a manner frightful to behold Eh said Mr Magnus and then he repeated the sneer with increased effect But you shall answer it Sir Answer what said Mr Pickwick Never mind sir replied Mr Magnus striding up and down the room Never mind There must be something very comprehensive in this phrase of Never mind for we do not recollect to have ever witnessed a quarrel in the street at a theatre public room or elsewhere in which it has not been the standard reply to all belligerent inquiries Do you call yourself a gentleman sirNever mind sir Did I offer to say anything to the young woman sirNever mind sir Do you want your head knocked up against that wall sirNever mind sir It is observable too that there would appear to be some hidden taunt in this universal Never mind which rouses more indignation in the bosom of the individual addressed than the most lavish abuse could possibly awaken We do not mean to assert that the application of this brevity to himself struck exactly that indignation to Mr Pickwicks soul which it would infallibly have roused in a vulgar breast We merely record the fact that Mr Pickwick opened the room door and abruptly called out Tupman come here Mr Tupman immediately presented himself with a look of very considerable surprise Tupman said Mr Pickwick a secret of some delicacy in which that lady is concerned is the cause of a difference which has just arisen between this gentleman and myself When I assure him in your presence that it has no relation to himself and is not in any way connected with his affairs I need hardly beg you to take notice that if he continue to dispute it he expresses a doubt of my veracity which I shall consider extremely insulting As Mr Pickwick said this he looked encyclopedias at Mr Peter Magnus Mr Pickwicks upright and honourable bearing coupled with that force and energy of speech which so eminently distinguished him would have carried conviction to any reasonable mind but unfortunately at that particular moment the mind of Mr Peter Magnus was in anything but reasonable order Consequently instead of receiving Mr Pickwicks explanation as he ought to have done he forthwith proceeded to work himself into a redhot scorching consuming passion and to talk about what was due to his own feelings and all that sort of thing adding force to his declamation by striding to and fro and pulling his hair amusements which he would vary occasionally by shaking his fist in Mr Pickwicks philanthropic countenance Mr Pickwick in his turn conscious of his own innocence and rectitude and irritated by having unfortunately involved the middleaged lady in such an unpleasant affair was not so quietly disposed as was his wont The consequence was that words ran high and voices higher and at length Mr Magnus told Mr Pickwick he should hear from him to which Mr Pickwick replied with laudable politeness that the sooner he heard from him the better whereupon the middleaged lady rushed in terror from the room out of which Mr Tupman dragged Mr Pickwick leaving Mr Peter Magnus to himself and meditation If the middleaged lady had mingled much with the busy world or had profited at all by the manners and customs of those who make the laws and set the fashions she would have known that this sort of ferocity is the most harmless thing in nature but as she had lived for the most part in the country and never read the parliamentary debates she was little versed in these particular refinements of civilised life Accordingly when she had gained her bedchamber bolted herself in and began to meditate on the scene she had just witnessed the most terrific pictures of slaughter and destruction presented themselves to her imagination among which a fulllength portrait of Mr Peter Magnus borne home by four men with the embellishment of a whole barrelful of bullets in his left side was among the very least The more the middle aged lady meditated the more terrified she became and at length she determined to repair to the house of the principal magistrate of the town and request him to secure the persons of Mr Pickwick and Mr Tupman without delay To this decision the middleaged lady was impelled by a variety of considerations the chief of which was the incontestable proof it would afford of her devotion to Mr Peter Magnus and her anxiety for his safety She was too well acquainted with his jealous temperament to venture the slightest allusion to the real cause of her agitation on beholding Mr Pickwick and she trusted to her own influence and power of persuasion with the little man to quell his boisterous jealousy supposing that Mr Pickwick were removed and no fresh quarrel could arise Filled with these reflections the middleaged lady arrayed herself in her bonnet and shawl and repaired to the mayors dwelling straightway Now George Nupkins Esquire the principal magistrate aforesaid was as grand a personage as the fastest walker would find out between sunrise and sunset on the twentyfirst of June which being according to the almanacs the longest day in the whole year would naturally afford him the longest period for his search On this particular morning Mr Nupkins was in a state of the utmost excitement and irritation for there had been a rebellion in the town all the dayscholars at the largest dayschool had conspired to break the windows of an obnoxious appleseller and had hooted the beadle and pelted the constabularyan elderly gentleman in topboots who had been called out to repress the tumult and who had been a peaceofficer man and boy for half a century at least And Mr Nupkins was sitting in his easychair frowning with majesty and boiling with rage when a lady was announced on pressing private and particular business Mr Nupkins looked calmly terrible and commanded that the lady should be shown in which command like all the mandates of emperors and magistrates and other great potentates of the earth was forthwith obeyed and Miss Witherfield interestingly agitated was ushered in accordingly Muzzle said the magistrate Muzzle was an undersized footman with a long body and short legs Muzzle Yes your Worship Place a chair and leave the room Yes your Worship Now maam will you state your business said the magistrate It is of a very painful kind Sir said Miss Witherfield Very likely maam said the magistrate Compose your feelings maam Here Mr Nupkins looked benignant And then tell me what legal business brings you here maam Here the magistrate triumphed over the man and he looked stern again It is very distressing to me Sir to give this information said Miss Witherfield but I fear a duel is going to be fought here Here maam said the magistrate Where maam In Ipswich In Ipswich maam A duel in Ipswich said the magistrate perfectly aghast at the notion Impossible maam nothing of the kind can be contemplated in this town I am persuaded Bless my soul maam are you aware of the activity of our local magistracy Do you happen to have heard maam that I rushed into a prizering on the fourth of May last attended by only sixty special constables and at the hazard of falling a sacrifice to the angry passions of an infuriated multitude prohibited a pugilistic contest between the Middlesex Dumpling and the Suffolk Bantam A duel in Ipswich maam I dont thinkI do not think said the magistrate reasoning with himself that any two men can have had the hardihood to plan such a breach of the peace in this town My information is unfortunately but too correct said the middle aged lady I was present at the quarrel Its a most extraordinary thing said the astounded magistrate Muzzle Yes your Worship Send Mr Jinks here directly Instantly Yes your Worship Muzzle retired and a pale sharpnosed halffed shabbilyclad clerk of middle age entered the room Mr Jinks said the magistrate Mr Jinks Sir said Mr Jinks This lady Mr Jinks has come here to give information of an intended duel in this town Mr Jinks not knowing exactly what to do smiled a dependents smile What are you laughing at Mr Jinks said the magistrate Mr Jinks looked serious instantly Mr Jinks said the magistrate youre a fool Mr Jinks looked humbly at the great man and bit the top of his pen You may see something very comical in this information Sirbut I can tell you this Mr Jinks that you have very little to laugh at said the magistrate The hungrylooking Jinks sighed as if he were quite aware of the fact of his having very little indeed to be merry about and being ordered to take the ladys information shambled to a seat and proceeded to write it down This man Pickwick is the principal I understand said the magistrate when the statement was finished He is said the middleaged lady And the other rioterwhats his name Mr Jinks Tupman Sir Tupman is the second Yes The other principal you say has absconded maam Yes replied Miss Witherfield with a short cough Very well said the magistrate These are two cutthroats from London who have come down here to destroy his Majestys population thinking that at this distance from the capital the arm of the law is weak and paralysed They shall be made an example of Draw up the warrants Mr Jinks Muzzle Yes your Worship Is Grummer downstairs Yes your Worship Send him up The obsequious Muzzle retired and presently returned introducing the elderly gentleman in the topboots who was chiefly remarkable for a bottlenose a hoarse voice a snuffcoloured surtout and a wandering eye Grummer said the magistrate Your Washup Is the town quiet now Pretty well your Washup replied Grummer Poplar feeling has in a measure subsided consekens o the boys having dispersed to cricket Nothing but vigorous measures will do in these times Grummer said the magistrate in a determined manner If the authority of the kings officers is set at naught we must have the riot act read If the civil power cannot protect these windows Grummer the military must protect the civil power and the windows too I believe that is a maxim of the constitution Mr Jinks Certainly sir said Jinks Very good said the magistrate signing the warrants Grummer you will bring these persons before me this afternoon You will find them at the Great White Horse You recollect the case of the Middlesex Dumpling and the Suffolk Bantam Grummer Mr Grummer intimated by a retrospective shake of the head that he should never forget itas indeed it was not likely he would so long as it continued to be cited daily This is even more unconstitutional said the magistrate this is even a greater breach of the peace and a grosser infringement of his Majestys prerogative I believe duelling is one of his Majestys most undoubted prerogatives Mr Jinks Expressly stipulated in Magna Charta sir said Mr Jinks One of the brightest jewels in the British crown wrung from his Majesty by the barons I believe Mr Jinks said the magistrate Just so Sir replied Mr Jinks Very well said the magistrate drawing himself up proudly it shall not be violated in this portion of his dominions Grummer procure assistance and execute these warrants with as little delay as possible Muzzle Yes your Worship Show the lady out Miss Witherfield retired deeply impressed with the magistrates learning and research Mr Nupkins retired to lunch Mr Jinks retired within himselfthat being the only retirement he had except the sofa bedstead in the small parlour which was occupied by his landladys family in the daytimeand Mr Grummer retired to wipe out by his mode of discharging his present commission the insult which had been fastened upon himself and the other representative of his Majestythe beadlein the course of the morning While these resolute and determined preparations for the conservation of the kings peace were pending Mr Pickwick and his friends wholly unconscious of the mighty events in progress had sat quietly down to dinner and very talkative and companionable they all were Mr Pickwick was in the very act of relating his adventure of the preceding night to the great amusement of his followers Mr Tupman especially when the door opened and a somewhat forbidding countenance peeped into the room The eyes in the forbidding countenance looked very earnestly at Mr Pickwick for several seconds and were to all appearance satisfied with their investigation for the body to which the forbidding countenance belonged slowly brought itself into the apartment and presented the form of an elderly individual in topbootsnot to keep the reader any longer in suspense in short the eyes were the wandering eyes of Mr Grummer and the body was the body of the same gentleman Mr Grummers mode of proceeding was professional but peculiar His first act was to bolt the door on the inside his second to polish his head and countenance very carefully with a cotton handkerchief his third to place his hat with the cotton handkerchief in it on the nearest chair and his fourth to produce from the breastpocket of his coat a short truncheon surmounted by a brazen crown with which he beckoned to Mr Pickwick with a grave and ghostlike air Mr Snodgrass was the first to break the astonished silence He looked steadily at Mr Grummer for a brief space and then said emphatically This is a private room Sir A private room Mr Grummer shook his head and replied No rooms private to his Majesty when the street doors once passed Thats law Some people maintains that an Englishmans house is his castle Thats gammon The Pickwickians gazed on each other with wondering eyes Which is Mr Tupman inquired Mr Grummer He had an intuitive perception of Mr Pickwick he knew him at once My names Tupman said that gentleman My names Law said Mr Grummer What said Mr Tupman Law replied Mr GrummerLaw civil power and exekative thems my titles heres my authority Blank Tupman blank Pickwickagainst the peace of our sufferin lord the kingstattit in the case made and purwidedand all regular I apprehend you Pickwick Tupmanthe aforesaid What do you mean by this insolence said Mr Tupman starting up leave the room Hollo said Mr Grummer retreating very expeditiously to the door and opening it an inch or two Dubbley Well said a deep voice from the passage Come forard Dubbley At the word of command a dirtyfaced man something over six feet high and stout in proportion squeezed himself through the halfopen door making his face very red in the process and entered the room Is the other specials outside Dubbley inquired Mr Grummer Mr Dubbley who was a man of few words nodded assent Order in the diwision under your charge Dubbley said Mr Grummer Mr Dubbley did as he was desired and half a dozen men each with a short truncheon and a brass crown flocked into the room Mr Grummer pocketed his staff and looked at Mr Dubbley Mr Dubbley pocketed his staff and looked at the division the division pocketed their staves and looked at Messrs Tupman and Pickwick Mr Pickwick and his followers rose as one man What is the meaning of this atrocious intrusion upon my privacy said Mr Pickwick Who dares apprehend me said Mr Tupman What do you want here scoundrels said Mr Snodgrass Mr Winkle said nothing but he fixed his eyes on Grummer and bestowed a look upon him which if he had had any feeling must have pierced his brain As it was however it had no visible effect on him whatever When the executive perceived that Mr Pickwick and his friends were disposed to resist the authority of the law they very significantly turned up their coat sleeves as if knocking them down in the first instance and taking them up afterwards were a mere professional act which had only to be thought of to be done as a matter of course This demonstration was not lost upon Mr Pickwick He conferred a few moments with Mr Tupman apart and then signified his readiness to proceed to the mayors residence merely begging the parties then and there assembled to take notice that it was his firm intention to resent this monstrous invasion of his privileges as an Englishman the instant he was at liberty whereat the parties then and there assembled laughed very heartily with the single exception of Mr Grummer who seemed to consider that any slight cast upon the divine right of magistrates was a species of blasphemy not to be tolerated But when Mr Pickwick had signified his readiness to bow to the laws of his country and just when the waiters and hostlers and chambermaids and postboys who had anticipated a delightful commotion from his threatened obstinacy began to turn away disappointed and disgusted a difficulty arose which had not been foreseen With every sentiment of veneration for the constituted authorities Mr Pickwick resolutely protested against making his appearance in the public streets surrounded and guarded by the officers of justice like a common criminal Mr Grummer in the then disturbed state of public feeling for it was halfholiday and the boys had not yet gone home as resolutely protested against walking on the opposite side of the way and taking Mr Pickwicks parole that he would go straight to the magistrates and both Mr Pickwick and Mr Tupman as strenuously objected to the expense of a postcoach which was the only respectable conveyance that could be obtained The dispute ran high and the dilemma lasted long and just as the executive were on the point of overcoming Mr Pickwicks objection to walking to the magistrates by the trite expedient of carrying him thither it was recollected that there stood in the inn yard an old sedanchair which having been originally built for a gouty gentleman with funded property would hold Mr Pickwick and Mr Tupman at least as conveniently as a modern postchaise The chair was hired and brought into the hall Mr Pickwick and Mr Tupman squeezed themselves inside and pulled down the blinds a couple of chairmen were speedily found and the procession started in grand order The specials surrounded the body of the vehicle Mr Grummer and Mr Dubbley marched triumphantly in front Mr Snodgrass and Mr Winkle walked arminarm behind and the unsoaped of Ipswich brought up the rear The shopkeepers of the town although they had a very indistinct notion of the nature of the offence could not but be much edified and gratified by this spectacle Here was the strong arm of the law coming down with twenty goldbeater force upon two offenders from the metropolis itself the mighty engine was directed by their own magistrate and worked by their own officers and both the criminals by their united efforts were securely shut up in the narrow compass of one sedanchair Many were the expressions of approval and admiration which greeted Mr Grummer as he headed the cavalcade staff in hand loud and long were the shouts raised by the unsoaped and amidst these united testimonials of public approbation the procession moved slowly and majestically along Mr Weller habited in his morning jacket with the black calico sleeves was returning in a rather desponding state from an unsuccessful survey of the mysterious house with the green gate when raising his eyes he beheld a crowd pouring down the street surrounding an object which had very much the appearance of a sedanchair Willing to divert his thoughts from the failure of his enterprise he stepped aside to see the crowd pass and finding that they were cheering away very much to their own satisfaction forthwith began by way of raising his spirits to cheer too with all his might and main Mr Grummer passed and Mr Dubbley passed and the sedan passed and the bodyguard of specials passed and Sam was still responding to the enthusiastic cheers of the mob and waving his hat about as if he were in the very last extreme of the wildest joy though of course he had not the faintest idea of the matter in hand when he was suddenly stopped by the unexpected appearance of Mr Winkle and Mr Snodgrass Whats the row genlmncried Sam Who have they got in this here watchbox in mournin Both gentlemen replied together but their words were lost in the tumult Who is it cried Sam again Once more was a joint reply returned and though the words were inaudible Sam saw by the motion of the two pairs of lips that they had uttered the magic word Pickwick This was enough In another minute Mr Weller had made his way through the crowd stopped the chairmen and confronted the portly Grummer Hollo old genlmn said Sam Who have you got in this here conweyance Stand back said Mr Grummer whose dignity like the dignity of a great many other men had been wondrously augmented by a little popularity Knock him down if he dont said Mr Dubbley Im wery much obliged to you old genlmn replied Sam for consulting my conwenience and Im still more obliged to the other genlmn who looks as if hed just escaped from a giants carrywan for his wery andsome suggestion but I should prefer your givin me a answer to my question if its all the same to youHow are you Sir This last observation was addressed with a patronising air to Mr Pickwick who was peeping through the front window Mr Grummer perfectly speechless with indignation dragged the truncheon with the brass crown from its particular pocket and flourished it before Sams eyes Ah said Sam its wery pretty specially the crown which is uncommon like the real one Stand back said the outraged Mr Grummer By way of adding force to the command he thrust the brass emblem of royalty into Sams neckcloth with one hand and seized Sams collar with the othera compliment which Mr Weller returned by knocking him down out of hand having previously with the utmost consideration knocked down a chairman for him to lie upon Whether Mr Winkle was seized with a temporary attack of that species of insanity which originates in a sense of injury or animated by this display of Mr Wellers valour is uncertain but certain it is that he no sooner saw Mr Grummer fall than he made a terrific onslaught on a small boy who stood next him whereupon Mr Snodgrass in a truly Christian spirit and in order that he might take no one unawares announced in a very loud tone that he was going to begin and proceeded to take off his coat with the utmost deliberation He was immediately surrounded and secured and it is but common justice both to him and Mr Winkle to say that they did not make the slightest attempt to rescue either themselves or Mr Weller who after a most vigorous resistance was overpowered by numbers and taken prisoner The procession then reformed the chairmen resumed their stations and the march was re commenced Mr Pickwicks indignation during the whole of this proceeding was beyond all bounds He could just see Sam upsetting the specials and flying about in every direction and that was all he could see for the sedan doors wouldnt open and the blinds wouldnt pull up At length with the assistance of Mr Tupman he managed to push open the roof and mounting on the seat and steadying himself as well as he could by placing his hand on that gentlemans shoulder Mr Pickwick proceeded to address the multitude to dwell upon the unjustifiable manner in which he had been treated and to call upon them to take notice that his servant had been first assaulted In this order they reached the magistrates house the chairmen trotting the prisoners following Mr Pickwick oratorising and the crowd shouting CHAPTER XXV SHOWING AMONG A VARIETY OF PLEASANT MATTERS HOW MAJESTIC AND IMPARTIAL MR NUPKINS WAS AND HOW MR WELLER RETURNED MR JOB TROTTERS SHUTTLECOCK AS HEAVILY AS IT CAMEWITH ANOTHER MATTER WHICH WILL BE FOUND IN ITS PLACE Violent was Mr Wellers indignation as he was borne along numerous were the allusions to the personal appearance and demeanour of Mr Grummer and his companion and valorous were the defiances to any six of the gentlemen present in which he vented his dissatisfaction Mr Snodgrass and Mr Winkle listened with gloomy respect to the torrent of eloquence which their leader poured forth from the sedanchair and the rapid course of which not all Mr Tupmans earnest entreaties to have the lid of the vehicle closed were able to check for an instant But Mr Wellers anger quickly gave way to curiosity when the procession turned down the identical courtyard in which he had met with the runaway Job Trotter and curiosity was exchanged for a feeling of the most gleeful astonishment when the allimportant Mr Grummer commanding the sedanbearers to halt advanced with dignified and portentous steps to the very green gate from which Job Trotter had emerged and gave a mighty pull at the bellhandle which hung at the side thereof The ring was answered by a very smart and prettyfaced servantgirl who after holding up her hands in astonishment at the rebellious appearance of the prisoners and the impassioned language of Mr Pickwick summoned Mr Muzzle Mr Muzzle opened one half of the carriage gate to admit the sedan the captured ones and the specials and immediately slammed it in the faces of the mob who indignant at being excluded and anxious to see what followed relieved their feelings by kicking at the gate and ringing the bell for an hour or two afterwards In this amusement they all took part by turns except three or four fortunate individuals who having discovered a grating in the gate which commanded a view of nothing stared through it with the indefatigable perseverance with which people will flatten their noses against the front windows of a chemists shop when a drunken man who has been run over by a dogcart in the street is undergoing a surgical inspection in the backparlour At the foot of a flight of steps leading to the house door which was guarded on either side by an American aloe in a green tub the sedan chair stopped Mr Pickwick and his friends were conducted into the hall whence having been previously announced by Muzzle and ordered in by Mr Nupkins they were ushered into the worshipful presence of that publicspirited officer The scene was an impressive one well calculated to strike terror to the hearts of culprits and to impress them with an adequate idea of the stern majesty of the law In front of a big bookcase in a big chair behind a big table and before a big volume sat Mr Nupkins looking a full size larger than any one of them big as they were The table was adorned with piles of papers and above the farther end of it appeared the head and shoulders of Mr Jinks who was busily engaged in looking as busy as possible The party having all entered Muzzle carefully closed the door and placed himself behind his masters chair to await his orders Mr Nupkins threw himself back with thrilling solemnity and scrutinised the faces of his unwilling visitors Now Grummer who is that person said Mr Nupkins pointing to Mr Pickwick who as the spokesman of his friends stood hat in hand bowing with the utmost politeness and respect This heres Pickvick your Washup said Grummer Come none o that ere old Strikealight interposed Mr Weller elbowing himself into the front rank Beg your pardon sir but this here officer o yourn in the gambooge tops ull never earn a decent livin as a master o the ceremonies any vere This here sir continued Mr Weller thrusting Grummer aside and addressing the magistrate with pleasant familiarity this here is S Pickvick Esquire this heres Mr Tupman that eres Mr Snodgrass and farder on next him on the tother side Mr Winkleall wery nice genlmn Sir as youll be wery happy to have the acquaintance on so the sooner you commits these here officers o yourn to the treadmill for a month or two the sooner we shall begin to be on a pleasant understanding Business first pleasure arterwards as King Richard the Third said when he stabbed the tother king in the Tower afore he smothered the babbies At the conclusion of this address Mr Weller brushed his hat with his right elbow and nodded benignly to Jinks who had heard him throughout with unspeakable awe Who is this man Grummer said the magistrate Wery desprate chracter your Washup replied Grummer He attempted to rescue the prisoners and assaulted the officers so we took him into custody and brought him here You did quite right replied the magistrate He is evidently a desperate ruffian He is my servant Sir said Mr Pickwick angrily Oh he is your servant is he said Mr Nupkins A conspiracy to defeat the ends of justice and murder its officers Pickwicks servant Put that down Mr Jinks Mr Jinks did so Whats your name fellow thundered Mr Nupkins Veller replied Sam A very good name for the Newgate Calendar said Mr Nupkins This was a joke so Jinks Grummer Dubbley all the specials and Muzzle went into fits of laughter of five minutes duration Put down his name Mr Jinks said the magistrate Two Ls old feller said Sam Here an unfortunate special laughed again whereupon the magistrate threatened to commit him instantly It is a dangerous thing to laugh at the wrong man in these cases Where do you live said the magistrate Vere ever I can replied Sam Put down that Mr Jinks said the magistrate who was fast rising into a rage Score it under said Sam He is a vagabond Mr Jinks said the magistrate He is a vagabond on his own statementis he not Mr Jinks Certainly Sir Then Ill commit himIll commit him as such said Mr Nupkins This is a wery impartial country for justice said Sam There aint a magistrate goin as dont commit himself twice as he commits other people At this sally another special laughed and then tried to look so supernaturally solemn that the magistrate detected him immediately Grummer said Mr Nupkins reddening with passion how dare you select such an inefficient and disreputable person for a special constable as that man How dare you do it Sir I am very sorry your Washup stammered Grummer Very sorry said the furious magistrate You shall repent of this neglect of duty Mr Grummer you shall be made an example of Take that fellows staff away Hes drunk Youre drunk fellow I am not drunk your Worship said the man You are drunk returned the magistrate How dare you say you are not drunk Sir when I say you are Doesnt he smell of spirits Grummer Horrid your Washup replied Grummer who had a vague impression that there was a smell of rum somewhere I knew he did said Mr Nupkins I saw he was drunk when he first came into the room by his excited eye Did you observe his excited eye Mr Jinks Certainly Sir I havent touched a drop of spirits this morning said the man who was as sober a fellow as need be How dare you tell me a falsehood said Mr Nupkins Isnt he drunk at this moment Mr Jinks Certainly Sir replied Jinks Mr Jinks said the magistrate I shall commit that man for contempt Make out his committal Mr Jinks And committed the special would have been only Jinks who was the magistrates adviser having had a legal education of three years in a country attorneys office whispered the magistrate that he thought it wouldnt do so the magistrate made a speech and said that in consideration of the specials family he would merely reprimand and discharge him Accordingly the special was abused vehemently for a quarter of an hour and sent about his business and Grummer Dubbley Muzzle and all the other specials murmured their admiration of the magnanimity of Mr Nupkins Now Mr Jinks said the magistrate swear Grummer Grummer was sworn directly but as Grummer wandered and Mr Nupkinss dinner was nearly ready Mr Nupkins cut the matter short by putting leading questions to Grummer which Grummer answered as nearly in the affirmative as he could So the examination went off all very smooth and comfortable and two assaults were proved against Mr Weller and a threat against Mr Winkle and a push against Mr Snodgrass When all this was done to the magistrates satisfaction the magistrate and Mr Jinks consulted in whispers The consultation having lasted about ten minutes Mr Jinks retired to his end of the table and the magistrate with a preparatory cough drew himself up in his chair and was proceeding to commence his address when Mr Pickwick interposed I beg your pardon sir for interrupting you said Mr Pickwick but before you proceed to express and act upon any opinion you may have formed on the statements which have been made here I must claim my right to be heard so far as I am personally concerned Hold your tongue Sir said the magistrate peremptorily I must submit to you Sir said Mr Pickwick Hold your tongue sir interposed the magistrate or I shall order an officer to remove you You may order your officers to do whatever you please Sir said Mr Pickwick and I have no doubt from the specimen I have had of the subordination preserved amongst them that whatever you order they will execute Sir but I shall take the liberty Sir of claiming my right to be heard until I am removed by force Pickvick and principle exclaimed Mr Weller in a very audible voice Sam be quiet said Mr Pickwick Dumb as a drum vith a hole in it Sir replied Sam Mr Nupkins looked at Mr Pickwick with a gaze of intense astonishment at his displaying such unwonted temerity and was apparently about to return a very angry reply when Mr Jinks pulled him by the sleeve and whispered something in his ear To this the magistrate returned a half audible answer and then the whispering was renewed Jinks was evidently remonstrating At length the magistrate gulping down with a very bad grace his disinclination to hear anything more turned to Mr Pickwick and said sharply What do you want to say First said Mr Pickwick sending a look through his spectacles under which even Nupkins quailed first I wish to know what I and my friend have been brought here for Must I tell him whispered the magistrate to Jinks I think you had better sir whispered Jinks to the magistrate An information has been sworn before me said the magistrate that it is apprehended you are going to fight a duel and that the other man Tupman is your aider and abettor in it Thereforeeh Mr Jinks Certainly sir Therefore I call upon you both toI think thats the course Mr Jinks Certainly Sir Totowhat Mr Jinks said the magistrate pettishly To find bail sir Yes Therefore I call upon you bothas I was about to say when I was interrupted by my clerkto find bail Good bail whispered Mr Jinks I shall require good bail said the magistrate Townspeople whispered Jinks They must be townspeople said the magistrate Fifty pounds each whispered Jinks and householders of course I shall require two sureties of fifty pounds each said the magistrate aloud with great dignity and they must be householders of course But bless my heart Sir said Mr Pickwick who together with Mr Tupman was all amazement and indignation we are perfect strangers in this town I have as little knowledge of any householders here as I have intention of fighting a duel with anybody I dare say replied the magistrate I dare saydont you Mr Jinks Certainly Sir Have you anything more to say inquired the magistrate Mr Pickwick had a great deal more to say which he would no doubt have said very little to his own advantage or the magistrates satisfaction if he had not the moment he ceased speaking been pulled by the sleeve by Mr Weller with whom he was immediately engaged in so earnest a conversation that he suffered the magistrates inquiry to pass wholly unnoticed Mr Nupkins was not the man to ask a question of the kind twice over and so with another preparatory cough he proceeded amidst the reverential and admiring silence of the constables to pronounce his decision He should fine Weller two pounds for the first assault and three pounds for the second He should fine Winkle two pounds and Snodgrass one pound besides requiring them to enter into their own recognisances to keep the peace towards all his Majestys subjects and especially towards his liege servant Daniel Grummer Pickwick and Tupman he had already held to bail Immediately on the magistrate ceasing to speak Mr Pickwick with a smile mantling on his again goodhumoured countenance stepped forward and said I beg the magistrates pardon but may I request a few minutes private conversation with him on a matter of deep importance to himself What said the magistrate Mr Pickwick repeated his request This is a most extraordinary request said the magistrate A private interview A private interview replied Mr Pickwick firmly only as a part of the information which I wish to communicate is derived from my servant I should wish him to be present The magistrate looked at Mr Jinks Mr Jinks looked at the magistrate the officers looked at each other in amazement Mr Nupkins turned suddenly pale Could the man Weller in a moment of remorse have divulged some secret conspiracy for his assassination It was a dreadful thought He was a public man and he turned paler as he thought of Julius Caesar and Mr Perceval The magistrate looked at Mr Pickwick again and beckoned Mr Jinks What do you think of this request Mr Jinks murmured Mr Nupkins Mr Jinks who didnt exactly know what to think of it and was afraid he might offend smiled feebly after a dubious fashion and screwing up the corners of his mouth shook his head slowly from side to side Mr Jinks said the magistrate gravely you are an ass At this little expression of opinion Mr Jinks smiled againrather more feebly than beforeand edged himself by degrees back into his own corner Mr Nupkins debated the matter within himself for a few seconds and then rising from his chair and requesting Mr Pickwick and Sam to follow him led the way into a small room which opened into the justice parlour Desiring Mr Pickwick to walk to the upper end of the little apartment and holding his hand upon the halfclosed door that he might be able to effect an immediate escape in case there was the least tendency to a display of hostilities Mr Nupkins expressed his readiness to hear the communication whatever it might be I will come to the point at once sir said Mr Pickwick it affects yourself and your credit materially I have every reason to believe Sir that you are harbouring in your house a gross impostor Two interrupted Sam Mulberry agin all natur for tears and willainny Sam said Mr Pickwick if I am to render myself intelligible to this gentleman I must beg you to control your feelings Wery sorry Sir replied Mr Weller but when I think o that ere Job I cant help opening the walve a inch or two In one word Sir said Mr Pickwick is my servant right in suspecting that a certain Captain FitzMarshall is in the habit of visiting here Because added Mr Pickwick as he saw that Mr Nupkins was about to offer a very indignant interruption because if he be I know that person to be a Hush hush said Mr Nupkins closing the door Know him to be what Sir An unprincipled adventurera dishonourable charactera man who preys upon society and makes easilydeceived people his dupes Sir his absurd his foolish his wretched dupes Sir said the excited Mr Pickwick Dear me said Mr Nupkins turning very red and altering his whole manner directly Dear me Mr Pickvick said Sam Pickwick said the magistrate dear me Mr Pickwickpray take a seatyou cannot mean this Captain FitzMarshall Dont call him a capen said Sam nor FitzMarshall neither he aint neither one nor tother Hes a strolling actor he is and his names Jingle and if ever there was a wolf in a mulberry suit that ere Job Trotters him It is very true Sir said Mr Pickwick replying to the magistrates look of amazement my only business in this town is to expose the person of whom we now speak Mr Pickwick proceeded to pour into the horrorstricken ear of Mr Nupkins an abridged account of all Mr Jingles atrocities He related how he had first met him how he had eloped with Miss Wardle how he had cheerfully resigned the lady for a pecuniary consideration how he had entrapped himself into a ladys boardingschool at midnight and how he Mr Pickwick now felt it his duty to expose his assumption of his present name and rank As the narrative proceeded all the warm blood in the body of Mr Nupkins tingled up into the very tips of his ears He had picked up the captain at a neighbouring racecourse Charmed with his long list of aristocratic acquaintance his extensive travel and his fashionable demeanour Mrs Nupkins and Miss Nupkins had exhibited Captain Fitz Marshall and quoted Captain FitzMarshall and hurled Captain Fitz Marshall at the devoted heads of their select circle of acquaintance until their bosom friends Mrs Porkenham and the Misses Porkenhams and Mr Sidney Porkenham were ready to burst with jealousy and despair And now to hear after all that he was a needy adventurer a strolling player and if not a swindler something so very like it that it was hard to tell the difference Heavens what would the Porkenhams say What would be the triumph of Mr Sidney Porkenham when he found that his addresses had been slighted for such a rival How should he Nupkins meet the eye of old Porkenham at the next quartersessions And what a handle would it be for the opposition magisterial party if the story got abroad But after all said Mr Nupkins brightening for a moment after a long pause after all this is a mere statement Captain FitzMarshall is a man of very engaging manners and I dare say has many enemies What proof have you of the truth of these representations Confront me with him said Mr Pickwick that is all I ask and all I require Confront him with me and my friends here you will want no further proof Why said Mr Nupkins that might be very easily done for he will be here tonight and then there would be no occasion to make the matter public justjustfor the young mans own sake you know IIshould like to consult Mrs Nupkins on the propriety of the step in the first instance though At all events Mr Pickwick we must despatch this legal business before we can do anything else Pray step back into the next room Into the next room they went Grummer said the magistrate in an awful voice Your Washup replied Grummer with the smile of a favourite Come come Sir said the magistrate sternly dont let me see any of this levity here It is very unbecoming and I can assure you that you have very little to smile at Was the account you gave me just now strictly true Now be careful sir Your Washup stammered Grummer I Oh you are confused are you said the magistrate Mr Jinks you observe this confusion Certainly Sir replied Jinks Now said the magistrate repeat your statement Grummer and again I warn you to be careful Mr Jinks take his words down The unfortunate Grummer proceeded to restate his complaint but what between Mr Jinkss taking down his words and the magistrates taking them up his natural tendency to rambling and his extreme confusion he managed to get involved in something under three minutes in such a mass of entanglement and contradiction that Mr Nupkins at once declared he didnt believe him So the fines were remitted and Mr Jinks found a couple of bail in no time And all these solemn proceedings having been satisfactorily concluded Mr Grummer was ignominiously ordered outan awful instance of the instability of human greatness and the uncertain tenure of great mens favour Mrs Nupkins was a majestic female in a pink gauze turban and a light brown wig Miss Nupkins possessed all her mammas haughtiness without the turban and all her illnature without the wig and whenever the exercise of these two amiable qualities involved mother and daughter in some unpleasant dilemma as they not infrequently did they both concurred in laying the blame on the shoulders of Mr Nupkins Accordingly when Mr Nupkins sought Mrs Nupkins and detailed the communication which had been made by Mr Pickwick Mrs Nupkins suddenly recollected that she had always expected something of the kind that she had always said it would be so that her advice was never taken that she really did not know what Mr Nupkins supposed she was and so forth The idea said Miss Nupkins forcing a tear of very scanty proportions into the corner of each eye the idea of my being made such a fool of Ah you may thank your papa my dear said Mrs Nupkins how I have implored and begged that man to inquire into the captains family connections how I have urged and entreated him to take some decisive step I am quite certain nobody would believe itquite But my dear said Mr Nupkins Dont talk to me you aggravating thing dont said Mrs Nupkins My love said Mr Nupkins you professed yourself very fond of Captain FitzMarshall You have constantly asked him here my dear and you have lost no opportunity of introducing him elsewhere Didnt I say so Henrietta cried Mrs Nupkins appealing to her daughter with the air of a muchinjured female Didnt I say that your papa would turn round and lay all this at my door Didnt I say so Here Mrs Nupkins sobbed Oh pa remonstrated Miss Nupkins And here she sobbed too Isnt it too much when he has brought all this disgrace and ridicule upon us to taunt me with being the cause of it exclaimed Mrs Nupkins How can we ever show ourselves in society said Miss Nupkins How can we face the Porkenhams cried Mrs Nupkins Or the Griggs cried Miss Nupkins Or the Slummintowkens cried Mrs Nupkins But what does your papa care What is it to him At this dreadful reflection Mrs Nupkins wept mental anguish and Miss Nupkins followed on the same side Mrs Nupkinss tears continued to gush forth with great velocity until she had gained a little time to think the matter over when she decided in her own mind that the best thing to do would be to ask Mr Pickwick and his friends to remain until the captains arrival and then to give Mr Pickwick the opportunity he sought If it appeared that he had spoken truly the captain could be turned out of the house without noising the matter abroad and they could easily account to the Porkenhams for his disappearance by saying that he had been appointed through the Court influence of his family to the governorgeneralship of Sierra Leone of Saugur Point or any other of those salubrious climates which enchant Europeans so much that when they once get there they can hardly ever prevail upon themselves to come back again When Mrs Nupkins dried up her tears Miss Nupkins dried up hers and Mr Nupkins was very glad to settle the matter as Mrs Nupkins had proposed So Mr Pickwick and his friends having washed off all marks of their late encounter were introduced to the ladies and soon afterwards to their dinner and Mr Weller whom the magistrate with his peculiar sagacity had discovered in half an hour to be one of the finest fellows alive was consigned to the care and guardianship of Mr Muzzle who was specially enjoined to take him below and make much of him How de do sir said Mr Muzzle as he conducted Mr Weller down the kitchen stairs Why no considerable change has taken place in the state of my system since I see you cocked up behind your governors chair in the parlour a little vile ago replied Sam You will excuse my not taking more notice of you then said Mr Muzzle You see master hadnt introduced us then Lord how fond he is of you Mr Weller to be sure Ah said Sam what a pleasant chap he is Aint hereplied Mr Muzzle So much humour said Sam And such a man to speak said Mr Muzzle How his ideas flow dont they Wonderful replied Sam they comes apouring out knocking each others heads so fast that they seems to stun one another you hardly know what hes arter do you Thats the great merit of his style of speaking rejoined Mr Muzzle Take care of the last step Mr Weller Would you like to wash your hands sir before we join the ladies Heres a sink with the water laid on Sir and a clean jack towel behind the door Ah perhaps I may as well have a rinse replied Mr Weller applying plenty of yellow soap to the towel and rubbing away till his face shone again How many ladies are there Only two in our kitchen said Mr Muzzle cook and ousemaid We keep a boy to do the dirty work and a gal besides but they dine in the washus Oh they dines in the washus do they said Mr Weller Yes replied Mr Muzzle we tried em at our table when they first come but we couldnt keep em The gals manners is dreadful vulgar and the boy breathes so very hard while hes eating that we found it impossible to sit at table with him Young grampus said Mr Weller Oh dreadful rejoined Mr Muzzle but that is the worst of country service Mr Weller the juniors is always so very savage This way sir if you please this way Preceding Mr Weller with the utmost politeness Mr Muzzle conducted him into the kitchen Mary said Mr Muzzle to the pretty servantgirl this is Mr Weller a gentleman as master has sent down to be made as comfortable as possible And your masters a knowin hand and has just sent me to the right place said Mr Weller with a glance of admiration at Mary If I wos master o this here house I should alvays find the materials for comfort vere Mary wos Lor Mr Weller said Mary blushing Well I never ejaculated the cook Bless me cook I forgot you said Mr Muzzle Mr Weller let me introduce you How are you maam said Mr Weller Wery glad to see you indeed and hope our acquaintance may be a long un as the genlmn said to the fi pun note When this ceremony of introduction had been gone through the cook and Mary retired into the back kitchen to titter for ten minutes then returning all giggles and blushes they sat down to dinner Mr Wellers easy manners and conversational powers had such irresistible influence with his new friends that before the dinner was half over they were on a footing of perfect intimacy and in possession of a full account of the delinquency of Job Trotter I never could abear that Job said Mary No more you never ought to my dear replied Mr Weller Why not inquired Mary Cos ugliness and svindlin never ought to be formiliar with elegance and wirtew replied Mr Weller Ought they Mr Muzzle Not by no means replied that gentleman Here Mary laughed and said the cook had made her and the cook laughed and said she hadnt I hant got a glass said Mary Drink with me my dear said Mr Weller Put your lips to this here tumbler and then I can kiss you by deputy For shame Mr Weller said Mary Whats a shame my dear Talkin in that way Nonsense it aint no harm Its natur aint it cook Dont ask me imperence replied the cook in a high state of delight and hereupon the cook and Mary laughed again till what between the beer and the cold meat and the laughter combined the latter young lady was brought to the verge of chokingan alarming crisis from which she was only recovered by sundry pats on the back and other necessary attentions most delicately administered by Mr Samuel Weller In the midst of all this jollity and conviviality a loud ring was heard at the garden gate to which the young gentleman who took his meals in the washhouse immediately responded Mr Weller was in the height of his attentions to the pretty housemaid Mr Muzzle was busy doing the honours of the table and the cook had just paused to laugh in the very act of raising a huge morsel to her lips when the kitchen door opened and in walked Mr Job Trotter We have said in walked Mr Job Trotter but the statement is not distinguished by our usual scrupulous adherence to fact The door opened and Mr Trotter appeared He would have walked in and was in the very act of doing so indeed when catching sight of Mr Weller he involuntarily shrank back a pace or two and stood gazing on the unexpected scene before him perfectly motionless with amazement and terror Here he is said Sam rising with great glee Why we were that wery moment aspeaking o you How are you Where have you been Come in Laying his hand on the mulberry collar of the unresisting Job Mr Weller dragged him into the kitchen and locking the door handed the key to Mr Muzzle who very coolly buttoned it up in a side pocket Well heres a game cried Sam Only think o my master havin the pleasure o meeting yourn upstairs and me havin the joy o meetin you down here How are you gettin on and how is the chandlery bisness likely to do Well I am so glad to see you How happy you look Its quite a treat to see you aint it Mr Muzzle Quite said Mr Muzzle So cheerful he is said Sam In such good spirits said Muzzle And so glad to see usthat makes it so much more comfortable said Sam Sit down sit down Mr Trotter suffered himself to be forced into a chair by the fireside He cast his small eyes first on Mr Weller and then on Mr Muzzle but said nothing Well now said Sam afore these here ladies I should jest like to ask you as a sort of curiosity whether you dont consider yourself as nice and wellbehaved a young genlmn as ever used a pink check pockethandkerchief and the number four collection And as was ever agoing to be married to a cook said that lady indignantly The willin And leave off his evil ways and set up in the chandlery line arterwards said the housemaid Now Ill tell you what it is young man said Mr Muzzle solemnly enraged at the last two allusions this here lady pointing to the cook keeps company with me and when you presume Sir to talk of keeping chandlers shops with her you injure me in one of the most delicatest points in which one man can injure another Do you understand that Sir Here Mr Muzzle who had a great notion of his eloquence in which he imitated his master paused for a reply But Mr Trotter made no reply So Mr Muzzle proceeded in a solemn manner Its very probable sir that you wont be wanted upstairs for several minutes Sir because my master is at this moment particularly engaged in settling the hash of your master Sir and therefore youll have leisure Sir for a little private talk with me Sir Do you understand that Sir Mr Muzzle again paused for a reply and again Mr Trotter disappointed him Well then said Mr Muzzle Im very sorry to have to explain myself before ladies but the urgency of the case will be my excuse The back kitchens empty Sir If you will step in there Sir Mr Weller will see fair and we can have mutual satisfaction till the bell rings Follow me Sir As Mr Muzzle uttered these words he took a step or two towards the door and by way of saving time began to pull off his coat as he walked along Now the cook no sooner heard the concluding words of this desperate challenge and saw Mr Muzzle about to put it into execution than she uttered a loud and piercing shriek and rushing on Mr Job Trotter who rose from his chair on the instant tore and buffeted his large flat face with an energy peculiar to excited females and twining her hands in his long black hair tore therefrom about enough to make five or six dozen of the very largestsized mourningrings Having accomplished this feat with all the ardour which her devoted love for Mr Muzzle inspired she staggered back and being a lady of very excitable and delicate feelings she instantly fell under the dresser and fainted away At this moment the bell rang Thats for you Job Trotter said Sam and before Mr Trotter could offer remonstrance or replyeven before he had time to stanch the wounds inflicted by the insensible ladySam seized one arm and Mr Muzzle the other and one pulling before and the other pushing behind they conveyed him upstairs and into the parlour It was an impressive tableau Alfred Jingle Esquire alias Captain FitzMarshall was standing near the door with his hat in his hand and a smile on his face wholly unmoved by his very unpleasant situation Confronting him stood Mr Pickwick who had evidently been inculcating some high moral lesson for his left hand was beneath his coat tail and his right extended in air as was his wont when delivering himself of an impressive address At a little distance stood Mr Tupman with indignant countenance carefully held back by his two younger friends at the farther end of the room were Mr Nupkins Mrs Nupkins and Miss Nupkins gloomily grand and savagely vexed What prevents me said Mr Nupkins with magisterial dignity as Job was brought inwhat prevents me from detaining these men as rogues and impostors It is a foolish mercy What prevents me Pride old fellow pride replied Jingle quite at his ease Wouldnt dono gocaught a captain ehha ha very goodhusband for daughterbiter bitmake it publicnot for worldslook stupidvery Wretch said Mr Nupkins we scorn your base insinuations I always hated him added Henrietta Oh of course said Jingle Tall young manold loverSidney Porkenhamrichfine fellownot so rich as captain though ehturn him awayoff with himanything for captainnothing like captain anywhereall the girlsraving madeh Job eh Here Mr Jingle laughed very heartily and Job rubbing his hands with delight uttered the first sound he had given vent to since he entered the housea low noiseless chuckle which seemed to intimate that he enjoyed his laugh too much to let any of it escape in sound Mr Nupkins said the elder lady this is not a fit conversation for the servants to overhear Let these wretches be removed Certainly my dear Said Mr Nupkins Muzzle Your Worship Open the front door Yes your Worship Leave the house said Mr Nupkins waving his hand emphatically Jingle smiled and moved towards the door Stay said Mr Pickwick Jingle stopped I might said Mr Pickwick have taken a much greater revenge for the treatment I have experienced at your hands and that of your hypocritical friend there Job Trotter bowed with great politeness and laid his hand upon his heart I say said Mr Pickwick growing gradually angry that I might have taken a greater revenge but I content myself with exposing you which I consider a duty I owe to society This is a leniency Sir which I hope you will remember When Mr Pickwick arrived at this point Job Trotter with facetious gravity applied his hand to his ear as if desirous not to lose a syllable he uttered And I have only to add sir said Mr Pickwick now thoroughly angry that I consider you a rascal and aaruffianandand worse than any man I ever saw or heard of except that pious and sanctified vagabond in the mulberry livery Ha ha said Jingle good fellow Pickwickfine heartstout old boybut must not be passionatebad thing verybye byesee you again some daykeep up your spiritsnow Jobtrot With these words Mr Jingle stuck on his hat in his old fashion and strode out of the room Job Trotter paused looked round smiled and then with a bow of mock solemnity to Mr Pickwick and a wink to Mr Weller the audacious slyness of which baffles all description followed the footsteps of his hopeful master Sam said Mr Pickwick as Mr Weller was following Sir Stay here Mr Weller seemed uncertain Stay here repeated Mr Pickwick Maynt I polish that ere Job off in the front garden said Mr Weller Certainly not replied Mr Pickwick Maynt I kick him out o the gate Sir said Mr Weller Not on any account replied his master For the first time since his engagement Mr Weller looked for a moment discontented and unhappy But his countenance immediately cleared up for the wily Mr Muzzle by concealing himself behind the street door and rushing violently out at the right instant contrived with great dexterity to overturn both Mr Jingle and his attendant down the flight of steps into the American aloe tubs that stood beneath Having discharged my duty Sir said Mr Pickwick to Mr Nupkins I will with my friends bid you farewell While we thank you for such hospitality as we have received permit me to assure you in our joint names that we should not have accepted it or have consented to extricate ourselves in this way from our previous dilemma had we not been impelled by a strong sense of duty We return to London tomorrow Your secret is safe with us Having thus entered his protest against their treatment of the morning Mr Pickwick bowed low to the ladies and notwithstanding the solicitations of the family left the room with his friends Get your hat Sam said Mr Pickwick Its below stairs Sir said Sam and he ran down after it Now there was nobody in the kitchen but the pretty housemaid and as Sams hat was mislaid he had to look for it and the pretty housemaid lighted him They had to look all over the place for the hat The pretty housemaid in her anxiety to find it went down on her knees and turned over all the things that were heaped together in a little corner by the door It was an awkward corner You couldnt get at it without shutting the door first Here it is said the pretty housemaid This is it aint it Let me look said Sam The pretty housemaid had stood the candle on the floor and as it gave a very dim light Sam was obliged to go down on his knees before he could see whether it really was his own hat or not It was a remarkably small corner and soit was nobodys fault but the mans who built the houseSam and the pretty housemaid were necessarily very close together Yes this is it said Sam Goodbye Goodbye said the pretty housemaid Goodbye said Sam and as he said it he dropped the hat that had cost so much trouble in looking for How awkward you are said the pretty housemaid Youll lose it again if you dont take care So just to prevent his losing it again she put it on for him Whether it was that the pretty housemaids face looked prettier still when it was raised towards Sams or whether it was the accidental consequence of their being so near to each other is matter of uncertainty to this day but Sam kissed her You dont mean to say you did that on purpose said the pretty housemaid blushing No I didnt then said Sam but I will now So he kissed her again Sam said Mr Pickwick calling over the banisters Coming Sir replied Sam running upstairs How long you have been said Mr Pickwick There was something behind the door Sir which perwented our getting it open for ever so long Sir replied Sam And this was the first passage of Mr Wellers first love CHAPTER XXVI WHICH CONTAINS A BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE PROGRESS OF THE ACTION OF BARDELL AGAINST PICKWICK Having accomplished the main end and object of his journey by the exposure of Jingle Mr Pickwick resolved on immediately returning to London with the view of becoming acquainted with the proceedings which had been taken against him in the meantime by Messrs Dodson and Fogg Acting upon this resolution with all the energy and decision of his character he mounted to the back seat of the first coach which left Ipswich on the morning after the memorable occurrences detailed at length in the two preceding chapters and accompanied by his three friends and Mr Samuel Weller arrived in the metropolis in perfect health and safety the same evening Here the friends for a short time separated Messrs Tupman Winkle and Snodgrass repaired to their several homes to make such preparations as might be requisite for their forthcoming visit to Dingley Dell and Mr Pickwick and Sam took up their present abode in very good old fashioned and comfortable quarters to wit the George and Vulture Tavern and Hotel George Yard Lombard Street Mr Pickwick had dined finished his second pint of particular port pulled his silk handkerchief over his head put his feet on the fender and thrown himself back in an easychair when the entrance of Mr Weller with his carpetbag aroused him from his tranquil meditation Sam said Mr Pickwick Sir said Mr Weller I have just been thinking Sam said Mr Pickwick that having left a good many things at Mrs Bardells in Goswell Street I ought to arrange for taking them away before I leave town again Wery good sir replied Mr Weller I could send them to Mr Tupmans for the present Sam continued Mr Pickwick but before we take them away it is necessary that they should be looked up and put together I wish you would step up to Goswell Street Sam and arrange about it At once Sir inquired Mr Weller At once replied Mr Pickwick And stay Sam added Mr Pickwick pulling out his purse there is some rent to pay The quarter is not due till Christmas but you may pay it and have done with it A months notice terminates my tenancy Here it is written out Give it and tell Mrs Bardell she may put a bill up as soon as she likes Wery good sir replied Mr Weller anythin more sir Nothing more Sam Mr Weller stepped slowly to the door as if he expected something more slowly opened it slowly stepped out and had slowly closed it within a couple of inches when Mr Pickwick called out Sam Yes sir said Mr Weller stepping quickly back and closing the door behind him I have no objection Sam to your endeavouring to ascertain how Mrs Bardell herself seems disposed towards me and whether it is really probable that this vile and groundless action is to be carried to extremity I say I do not object to you doing this if you wish it Sam said Mr Pickwick Sam gave a short nod of intelligence and left the room Mr Pickwick drew the silk handkerchief once more over his head And composed himself for a nap Mr Weller promptly walked forth to execute his commission It was nearly nine oclock when he reached Goswell Street A couple of candles were burning in the little front parlour and a couple of caps were reflected on the windowblind Mrs Bardell had got company Mr Weller knocked at the door and after a pretty long interval occupied by the party without in whistling a tune and by the party within in persuading a refractory flat candle to allow itself to be lighteda pair of small boots pattered over the floorcloth and Master Bardell presented himself Well young townskip said Sam hows mother Shes pretty well replied Master Bardell so am I Well thats a mercy said Sam tell her I want to speak to her will you my hinfant fernomenon Master Bardell thus adjured placed the refractory flat candle on the bottom stair and vanished into the front parlour with his message The two caps reflected on the windowblind were the respective head dresses of a couple of Mrs Bardells most particular acquaintance who had just stepped in to have a quiet cup of tea and a little warm supper of a couple of sets of pettitoes and some toasted cheese The cheese was simmering and browning away most delightfully in a little Dutch oven before the fire the pettitoes were getting on deliciously in a little tin saucepan on the hob and Mrs Bardell and her two friends were getting on very well also in a little quiet conversation about and concerning all their particular friends and acquaintance when Master Bardell came back from answering the door and delivered the message intrusted to him by Mr Samuel Weller Mr Pickwicks servant said Mrs Bardell turning pale Bless my soul said Mrs Cluppins Well I raly would not ha believed it unless I had ha happened to ha been here said Mrs Sanders Mrs Cluppins was a little brisk busylooking woman Mrs Sanders was a big fat heavyfaced personage and the two were the company Mrs Bardell felt it proper to be agitated and as none of the three exactly knew whether under existing circumstances any communication otherwise than through Dodson Fogg ought to be held with Mr Pickwicks servant they were all rather taken by surprise In this state of indecision obviously the first thing to be done was to thump the boy for finding Mr Weller at the door So his mother thumped him and he cried melodiously Hold your noisedoyou naughty creetur said Mrs Bardell Yes dont worrit your poor mother said Mrs Sanders Shes quite enough to worrit her as it is without you Tommy said Mrs Cluppins with sympathising resignation Ah worse luck poor lamb said Mrs Sanders At all which moral reflections Master Bardell howled the louder Now what shall I do said Mrs Bardell to Mrs Cluppins I think you ought to see him replied Mrs Cluppins But on no account without a witness I think two witnesses would be more lawful said Mrs Sanders who like the other friend was bursting with curiosity Perhaps hed better come in here said Mrs Bardell To be sure replied Mrs Cluppins eagerly catching at the idea walk in young man and shut the street door first please Mr Weller immediately took the hint and presenting himself in the parlour explained his business to Mrs Bardell thus Wery sorry to casion any personal inconwenience maam as the housebreaker said to the old lady when he put her on the fire but as me and my governor s only jest come to town and is jest going away agin it cant be helped you see Of course the young man cant help the faults of his master said Mrs Cluppins much struck by Mr Wellers appearance and conversation Certainly not chimed in Mrs Sanders who from certain wistful glances at the little tin saucepan seemed to be engaged in a mental calculation of the probable extent of the pettitoes in the event of Sams being asked to stop to supper So all Ive come about is jest this here said Sam disregarding the interruption first to give my governors noticethere it is Secondly to pay the renthere it is Thirdly to say as all his things is to be put together and give to anybody as we sends for em Fourthly that you may let the place as soon as you likeand thats all Whatever has happened said Mrs Bardell I always have said and always will say that in every respect but one Mr Pickwick has always behaved himself like a perfect gentleman His money always as good as the bankalways As Mrs Bardell said this she applied her handkerchief to her eyes and went out of the room to get the receipt Sam well knew that he had only to remain quiet and the women were sure to talk so he looked alternately at the tin saucepan the toasted cheese the wall and the ceiling in profound silence Poor dear said Mrs Cluppins Ah poor thing replied Mrs Sanders Sam said nothing He saw they were coming to the subject I raly cannot contain myself said Mrs Cluppins when I think of such perjury I dont wish to say anything to make you uncomfortable young man but your masters an old brute and I wish I had him here to tell him so I wish you had said Sam To see how dreadful she takes on going moping about and taking no pleasure in nothing except when her friends comes in out of charity to sit with her and make her comfortable resumed Mrs Cluppins glancing at the tin saucepan and the Dutch oven its shocking Barbareous said Mrs Sanders And your master young man A gentleman with money as could never feel the expense of a wife no more than nothing continued Mrs Cluppins with great volubility why there aint the faintest shade of an excuse for his behaviour Why dont he marry her Ah said Sam to be sure thats the question Question indeed retorted Mrs Cluppins shed question him if shed my spirit Howsever there is law for us women misrable creeturs as theyd make us if they could and that your master will find out young man to his cost afore hes six months older At this consolatory reflection Mrs Cluppins bridled up and smiled at Mrs Sanders who smiled back again The actions going on and no mistake thought Sam as Mrs Bardell reentered with the receipt Heres the receipt Mr Weller said Mrs Bardell and heres the change and I hope youll take a little drop of something to keep the cold out if its only for old acquaintance sake Mr Weller Sam saw the advantage he should gain and at once acquiesced whereupon Mrs Bardell produced from a small closet a black bottle and a wine glass and so great was her abstraction in her deep mental affliction that after filling Mr Wellers glass she brought out three more wine glasses and filled them too Lauk Mrs Bardell said Mrs Cluppins see what youve been and done Well that is a good one ejaculated Mrs Sanders Ah my poor head said Mrs Bardell with a faint smile Sam understood all this of course so he said at once that he never could drink before supper unless a lady drank with him A great deal of laughter ensued and Mrs Sanders volunteered to humour him so she took a slight sip out of her glass Then Sam said it must go all round so they all took a slight sip Then little Mrs Cluppins proposed as a toast Success to Bardell agin Pickwick and then the ladies emptied their glasses in honour of the sentiment and got very talkative directly I suppose youve heard whats going forward Mr Weller said Mrs Bardell Ive heerd somethin on it replied Sam Its a terrible thing to be dragged before the public in that way Mr Weller said Mrs Bardell but I see now that its the only thing I ought to do and my lawyers Mr Dodson and Fogg tell me that with the evidence as we shall call we must succeed I dont know what I should do Mr Weller if I didnt The mere idea of Mrs Bardells failing in her action affected Mrs Sanders so deeply that she was under the necessity of refilling and re emptying her glass immediately feeling as she said afterwards that if she hadnt had the presence of mind to do so she must have dropped Ven is it expected to come on inquired Sam Either in February or March replied Mrs Bardell What a number of witnesses therell be wont there said Mrs Cluppins Ah wont there replied Mrs Sanders And wont Mr Dodson and Fogg be wild if the plaintiff shouldnt get it added Mrs Cluppins when they do it all on speculation Ah wont they said Mrs Sanders But the plaintiff must get it resumed Mrs Cluppins I hope so said Mrs Bardell Oh there cant be any doubt about it rejoined Mrs Sanders Vell said Sam rising and setting down his glass all I can say is that I vish you may get it Thankee Mr Weller said Mrs Bardell fervently And of them Dodson and Foggs as does these sort o things on spec continued Mr Weller as vell as for the other kind and genrous people o the same purfession as sets people by the ears free gratis for nothin and sets their clerks to work to find out little disputes among their neighbours and acquaintances as vants settlin by means of lawsuitsall I can say o them is that I vish they had the reward Id give em Ah I wish they had the reward that every kind and generous heart would be inclined to bestow upon them said the gratified Mrs Bardell Amen to that replied Sam and a fat and happy liven theyd get out of it Wish you goodnight ladies To the great relief of Mrs Sanders Sam was allowed to depart without any reference on the part of the hostess to the pettitoes and toasted cheese to which the ladies with such juvenile assistance as Master Bardell could afford soon afterwards rendered the amplest justice indeed they wholly vanished before their strenuous exertions Mr Weller wended his way back to the George and Vulture and faithfully recounted to his master such indications of the sharp practice of Dodson Fogg as he had contrived to pick up in his visit to Mrs Bardells An interview with Mr Perker next day more than confirmed Mr Wellers statement and Mr Pickwick was fain to prepare for his Christmas visit to Dingley Dell with the pleasant anticipation that some two or three months afterwards an action brought against him for damages sustained by reason of a breach of promise of marriage would be publicly tried in the Court of Common Pleas the plaintiff having all the advantages derivable not only from the force of circumstances but from the sharp practice of Dodson Fogg to boot CHAPTER XXVII SAMUEL WELLER MAKES A PILGRIMAGE TO DORKING AND BEHOLDS HIS MOTHERINLAW There still remaining an interval of two days before the time agreed upon for the departure of the Pickwickians to Dingley Dell Mr Weller sat himself down in a back room at the George and Vulture after eating an early dinner to muse on the best way of disposing of his time It was a remarkably fine day and he had not turned the matter over in his mind ten minutes when he was suddenly stricken filial and affectionate and it occurred to him so strongly that he ought to go down and see his father and pay his duty to his motherinlaw that he was lost in astonishment at his own remissness in never thinking of this moral obligation before Anxious to atone for his past neglect without another hours delay he straightway walked upstairs to Mr Pickwick and requested leave of absence for this laudable purpose Certainly Sam certainly said Mr Pickwick his eyes glistening with delight at this manifestation of filial feeling on the part of his attendant certainly Sam Mr Weller made a grateful bow I am very glad to see that you have so high a sense of your duties as a son Sam said Mr Pickwick I always had sir replied Mr Weller Thats a very gratifying reflection Sam said Mr Pickwick approvingly Wery Sir replied Mr Weller if ever I wanted anythin o my father I always asked for it in a wery spectful and obligin manner If he didnt give it me I took it for fear I should be led to do anythin wrong through not havin it I saved him a world o trouble this vay Sir Thats not precisely what I meant Sam said Mr Pickwick shaking his head with a slight smile All good feelin sirthe wery best intentions as the genlmn said ven he run away from his wife cos she seemed unhappy with him replied Mr Weller You may go Sam said Mr Pickwick Thankee Sir replied Mr Weller and having made his best bow and put on his best clothes Sam planted himself on the top of the Arundel coach and journeyed on to Dorking The Marquis of Granby in Mrs Wellers time was quite a model of a roadside publichouse of the better classjust large enough to be convenient and small enough to be snug On the opposite side of the road was a large signboard on a high post representing the head and shoulders of a gentleman with an apoplectic countenance in a red coat with deep blue facings and a touch of the same blue over his three cornered hat for a sky Over that again were a pair of flags beneath the last button of his coat were a couple of cannon and the whole formed an expressive and undoubted likeness of the Marquis of Granby of glorious memory The bar window displayed a choice collection of geranium plants and a welldusted row of spirit phials The open shutters bore a variety of golden inscriptions eulogistic of good beds and neat wines and the choice group of countrymen and hostlers lounging about the stable door and horsetrough afforded presumptive proof of the excellent quality of the ale and spirits which were sold within Sam Weller paused when he dismounted from the coach to note all these little indications of a thriving business with the eye of an experienced traveller and having done so stepped in at once highly satisfied with everything he had observed Now then said a shrill female voice the instant Sam thrust his head in at the door what do you want young man Sam looked round in the direction whence the voice proceeded It came from a rather stout lady of comfortable appearance who was seated beside the fireplace in the bar blowing the fire to make the kettle boil for tea She was not alone for on the other side of the fireplace sitting bolt upright in a highbacked chair was a man in threadbare black clothes with a back almost as long and stiff as that of the chair itself who caught Sams most particular and especial attention at once He was a primfaced rednosed man with a long thin countenance and a semirattlesnake sort of eyerather sharp but decidedly bad He wore very short trousers and black cotton stockings which like the rest of his apparel were particularly rusty His looks were starched but his white neckerchief was not and its long limp ends straggled over his closelybuttoned waistcoat in a very uncouth and unpicturesque fashion A pair of old worn beaver gloves a broadbrimmed hat and a faded green umbrella with plenty of whalebone sticking through the bottom as if to counterbalance the want of a handle at the top lay on a chair beside him and being disposed in a very tidy and careful manner seemed to imply that the rednosed man whoever he was had no intention of going away in a hurry To do the rednosed man justice he would have been very far from wise if he had entertained any such intention for to judge from all appearances he must have been possessed of a most desirable circle of acquaintance if he could have reasonably expected to be more comfortable anywhere else The fire was blazing brightly under the influence of the bellows and the kettle was singing gaily under the influence of both A small tray of teathings was arranged on the table a plate of hot buttered toast was gently simmering before the fire and the rednosed man himself was busily engaged in converting a large slice of bread into the same agreeable edible through the instrumentality of a long brass toastingfork Beside him stood a glass of reeking hot pineapple rumandwater with a slice of lemon in it and every time the rednosed man stopped to bring the round of toast to his eye with the view of ascertaining how it got on he imbibed a drop or two of the hot pineapple rumandwater and smiled upon the rather stout lady as she blew the fire Sam was so lost in the contemplation of this comfortable scene that he suffered the first inquiry of the rather stout lady to pass unheeded It was not until it had been twice repeated each time in a shriller tone that he became conscious of the impropriety of his behaviour Governor in inquired Sam in reply to the question No he isnt replied Mrs Weller for the rather stout lady was no other than the quondam relict and sole executrix of the deadandgone Mr Clarke no he isnt and I dont expect him either I suppose hes drivin up today said Sam He may be or he may not replied Mrs Weller buttering the round of toast which the rednosed man had just finished I dont know and whats more I dont careAsk a blessin Mr Stiggins The rednosed man did as he was desired and instantly commenced on the toast with fierce voracity The appearance of the rednosed man had induced Sam at first sight to more than half suspect that he was the deputyshepherd of whom his estimable parent had spoken The moment he saw him eat all doubt on the subject was removed and he perceived at once that if he purposed to take up his temporary quarters where he was he must make his footing good without delay He therefore commenced proceedings by putting his arm over the halfdoor of the bar coolly unbolting it and leisurely walking in Motherinlaw said Sam how are you Why I do believe he is a Weller said Mrs W raising her eyes to Sams face with no very gratified expression of countenance I rayther think he is said the imperturbable Sam and I hope this here reverend genlmn ll excuse me saying that I wish I was the Weller as owns you motherinlaw This was a doublebarrelled compliment It implied that Mrs Weller was a most agreeable female and also that Mr Stiggins had a clerical appearance It made a visible impression at once and Sam followed up his advantage by kissing his motherinlaw Get along with you said Mrs Weller pushing him away For shame young man said the gentleman with the red nose No offence sir no offence replied Sam youre wery right though it aint the right sort o thing ven mothersinlaw is young and good looking is it Sir Its all vanity said Mr Stiggins Ah so it is said Mrs Weller setting her cap to rights Sam thought it was too but he held his peace The deputyshepherd seemed by no means best pleased with Sams arrival and when the first effervescence of the compliment had subsided even Mrs Weller looked as if she could have spared him without the smallest inconvenience However there he was and as he couldnt be decently turned out they all three sat down to tea And hows father said Sam At this inquiry Mrs Weller raised her hands and turned up her eyes as if the subject were too painful to be alluded to Mr Stiggins groaned Whats the matter with that ere genlmn inquired Sam Hes shocked at the way your father goes on in replied Mrs Weller Oh he is is he said Sam And with too good reason added Mrs Weller gravely Mr Stiggins took up a fresh piece of toast and groaned heavily He is a dreadful reprobate said Mrs Weller A man of wrath exclaimed Mr Stiggins He took a large semicircular bite out of the toast and groaned again Sam felt very strongly disposed to give the reverend Mr Stiggins something to groan for but he repressed his inclination and merely asked Whats the old un up to now Up to indeed said Mrs Weller Oh he has a hard heart Night after night does this excellent mandont frown Mr Stiggins I will say you are an excellent mancome and sit here for hours together and it has not the least effect upon him Well that is odd said Sam it ud have a wery considerable effect upon me if I wos in his place I know that The fact is my young friend said Mr Stiggins solemnly he has an obderrate bosom Oh my young friend who else could have resisted the pleading of sixteen of our fairest sisters and withstood their exhortations to subscribe to our noble society for providing the infant negroes in the West Indies with flannel waistcoats and moral pocket handkerchiefs Whats a moral pocketankercher said Sam I never see one o them articles o furniter Those which combine amusement With instruction my young friend replied Mr Stiggins blending select tales with woodcuts Oh I know said Sam them as hangs up in the linendrapers shops with beggars petitions and all that ere upon em Mr Stiggins began a third round of toast and nodded assent And he wouldnt be persuaded by the ladies wouldnt he said Sam Sat and smoked his pipe and said the infant negroes werewhat did he say the infant negroes were said Mrs Weller Little humbugs replied Mr Stiggins deeply affected Said the infant negroes were little humbugs repeated Mrs Weller And they both groaned at the atrocious conduct of the elder Mr Weller A great many more iniquities of a similar nature might have been disclosed only the toast being all eaten the tea having got very weak and Sam holding out no indications of meaning to go Mr Stiggins suddenly recollected that he had a most pressing appointment with the shepherd and took himself off accordingly The teathings had been scarcely put away and the hearth swept up when the London coach deposited Mr Weller senior at the door his legs deposited him in the bar and his eyes showed him his son What Sammy exclaimed the father What old Nobs ejaculated the son And they shook hands heartily Wery glad to see you Sammy said the elder Mr Weller though how youve managed to get over your motherinlaw is a mystery to me I only vish youd write me out the receipt thats all Hush said Sam shes at home old feller She aint vithin hearin replied Mr Weller she always goes and blows up downstairs for a couple of hours arter tea so well just give ourselves a damp Sammy Saying this Mr Weller mixed two glasses of spiritsandwater and produced a couple of pipes The father and son sitting down opposite each other Sam on one side of the fire in the highbacked chair and Mr Weller senior on the other in an easy ditto they proceeded to enjoy themselves with all due gravity Anybody been here Sammy asked Mr Weller senior dryly after a long silence Sam nodded an expressive assent Rednosed chap inquired Mr Weller Sam nodded again Amiable man that ere Sammy said Mr Weller smoking violently Seems so observed Sam Good hand at accounts said Mr Weller Is he said Sam Borrows eighteenpence on Monday and comes on Tuesday for a shillin to make it up halfacrown calls again on Vensday for another halfcrown to make it five shillins and goes on doubling till he gets it up to a five pund note in no time like them sums in the rithmetic book bout the nails in the horses shoes Sammy Sam intimated by a nod that he recollected the problem alluded to by his parent So you vouldnt subscribe to the flannel veskits said Sam after another interval of smoking Certnly not replied Mr Weller whats the good o flannel veskits to the young niggers abroad But Ill tell you what it is Sammy said Mr Weller lowering his voice and bending across the fireplace Id come down wery handsome towards strait veskits for some people at home As Mr Weller said this he slowly recovered his former position and winked at his firstborn in a profound manner It certnly seems a queer start to send out pocketankerchers to people as dont know the use on em observed Sam Theyre alvays adoin some gammon of that sort Sammy replied his father Tother Sunday I wos walkin up the road wen who should I see astandin at a chapel door with a blue soupplate in her hand but your motherinlaw I werily believe there was change for a couple o suvrins in it then Sammy all in hapence and as the people come out they rattled the pennies in it till youd ha thought that no mortal plate as ever was baked could ha stood the wear and tear What dye think it was all for For another teadrinkin perhaps said Sam Not a bit on it replied the father for the shepherds waterrate Sammy The shepherds waterrate said Sam Ay replied Mr Weller there was three quarters owin and the shepherd hadnt paid a farden not heperhaps it might be on account that the water warnt o much use to him for its wery little o that tap he drinks Sammy wery he knows a trick worth a good halfdozen of that he does Howsever it warnt paid and so they cuts the water off Down goes the shepherd to chapel gives out as hes a persecuted saint and says he hopes the heart of the turncock as cut the water off ll be softened and turned in the right vay but he rayther thinks hes booked for somethin uncomfortable Upon this the women calls a meetin sings a hymn wotes your motherinlaw into the chair wolunteers a collection next Sunday and hands it all over to the shepherd And if he aint got enough out on em Sammy to make him free of the water company for life said Mr Weller in conclusion Im one Dutchman and youre another and thats all about it Mr Weller smoked for some minutes in silence and then resumed The worst o these here shepherds is my boy that they reglarly turns the heads of all the young ladies about here Lord bless their little hearts they thinks its all right and dont know no better but theyre the wictims o gammon Samivel theyre the wictims o gammon I spose they are said Sam Nothin else said Mr Weller shaking his head gravely and wot aggrawates me Samivel is to see em awastin all their time and labour in making clothes for coppercoloured people as dont want em and taking no notice of fleshcoloured Christians as do If Id my vay Samivel Id just stick some o these here lazy shepherds behind a heavy wheelbarrow and run em up and down a fourteeninchwide plank all day That ud shake the nonsense out of em if anythin vould Mr Weller having delivered this gentle recipe with strong emphasis eked out by a variety of nods and contortions of the eye emptied his glass at a draught and knocked the ashes out of his pipe with native dignity He was engaged in this operation when a shrill voice was heard in the passage Heres your dear relation Sammy said Mr Weller and Mrs W hurried into the room Oh youve come back have you said Mrs Weller Yes my dear replied Mr Weller filling a fresh pipe Has Mr Stiggins been back said Mrs Weller No my dear he hasnt replied Mr Weller lighting the pipe by the ingenious process of holding to the bowl thereof between the tongs a redhot coal from the adjacent fire and whats more my dear I shall manage to surwive it if he dont come back at all Ugh you wretch said Mrs Weller Thankee my love said Mr Weller Come come father said Sam none o these little lovins afore strangers Heres the reverend genlmn acomin in now At this announcement Mrs Weller hastily wiped off the tears which she had just begun to force on and Mr W drew his chair sullenly into the chimneycorner Mr Stiggins was easily prevailed on to take another glass of the hot pineapple rumandwater and a second and a third and then to refresh himself with a slight supper previous to beginning again He sat on the same side as Mr Weller senior and every time he could contrive to do so unseen by his wife that gentleman indicated to his son the hidden emotions of his bosom by shaking his fist over the deputyshepherds head a process which afforded his son the most unmingled delight and satisfaction the more especially as Mr Stiggins went on quietly drinking the hot pineapple rumandwater wholly unconscious of what was going forward The major part of the conversation was confined to Mrs Weller and the reverend Mr Stiggins and the topics principally descanted on were the virtues of the shepherd the worthiness of his flock and the high crimes and misdemeanours of everybody besidedissertations which the elder Mr Weller occasionally interrupted by halfsuppressed references to a gentleman of the name of Walker and other running commentaries of the same kind At length Mr Stiggins with several most indubitable symptoms of having quite as much pineapple rumandwater about him as he could comfortably accommodate took his hat and his leave and Sam was immediately afterwards shown to bed by his father The respectable old gentleman wrung his hand fervently and seemed disposed to address some observation to his son but on Mrs Weller advancing towards him he appeared to relinquish that intention and abruptly bade him goodnight Sam was up betimes next day and having partaken of a hasty breakfast prepared to return to London He had scarcely set foot without the house when his father stood before him Goin Sammy inquired Mr Weller Off at once replied Sam I vish you could muffle that ere Stiggins and take him vith you said Mr Weller I am ashamed on you said Sam reproachfully what do you let him show his red nose in the Markis o Granby at all for Mr Weller the elder fixed on his son an earnest look and replied Cause Im a married man Samivel cause Im a married man Ven youre a married man Samivel youll understand a good many things as you dont understand now but vether its worth while goin through so much to learn so little as the charityboy said ven he got to the end of the alphabet is a matter o taste I rayther think it isnt Well said Sam goodbye Tar tar Sammy replied his father Ive only got to say this here said Sam stopping short that if I was the properiator o the Markis o Granby and that ere Stiggins came and made toast in my bar Id What interposed Mr Weller with great anxiety What Pison his rumandwater said Sam No said Mr Weller shaking his son eagerly by the hand would you raly Sammywould you though I would said Sam I wouldnt be too hard upon him at first Id drop him in the waterbutt and put the lid on and if I found he was insensible to kindness Id try the other persvasion The elder Mr Weller bestowed a look of deep unspeakable admiration on his son and having once more grasped his hand walked slowly away revolving in his mind the numerous reflections to which his advice had given rise Sam looked after him until he turned a corner of the road and then set forward on his walk to London He meditated at first on the probable consequences of his own advice and the likelihood of his fathers adopting it He dismissed the subject from his mind however with the consolatory reflection that time alone would show and this is the reflection we would impress upon the reader CHAPTER XXVIII A GOODHUMOURED CHRISTMAS CHAPTER CONTAINING AN ACCOUNT OF A WEDDING AND SOME OTHER SPORTS BESIDE WHICH ALTHOUGH IN THEIR WAY EVEN AS GOOD CUSTOMS AS MARRIAGE ITSELF ARE NOT QUITE SO RELIGIOUSLY KEPT UP IN THESE DEGENERATE TIMES As brisk as bees if not altogether as light as fairies did the four Pickwickians assemble on the morning of the twentysecond day of December in the year of grace in which these their faithfullyrecorded adventures were undertaken and accomplished Christmas was close at hand in all his bluff and hearty honesty it was the season of hospitality merriment and openheartedness the old year was preparing like an ancient philosopher to call his friends around him and amidst the sound of feasting and revelry to pass gently and calmly away Gay and merry was the time and right gay and merry were at least four of the numerous hearts that were gladdened by its coming And numerous indeed are the hearts to which Christmas brings a brief season of happiness and enjoyment How many families whose members have been dispersed and scattered far and wide in the restless struggles of life are then reunited and meet once again in that happy state of companionship and mutual goodwill which is a source of such pure and unalloyed delight and one so incompatible with the cares and sorrows of the world that the religious belief of the most civilised nations and the rude traditions of the roughest savages alike number it among the first joys of a future condition of existence provided for the blessed and happy How many old recollections and how many dormant sympathies does Christmas time awaken We write these words now many miles distant from the spot at which year after year we met on that day a merry and joyous circle Many of the hearts that throbbed so gaily then have ceased to beat many of the looks that shone so brightly then have ceased to glow the hands we grasped have grown cold the eyes we sought have hid their lustre in the grave and yet the old house the room the merry voices and smiling faces the jest the laugh the most minute and trivial circumstances connected with those happy meetings crowd upon our mind at each recurrence of the season as if the last assemblage had been but yesterday Happy happy Christmas that can win us back to the delusions of our childish days that can recall to the old man the pleasures of his youth that can transport the sailor and the traveller thousands of miles away back to his own fireside and his quiet home But we are so taken up and occupied with the good qualities of this saint Christmas that we are keeping Mr Pickwick and his friends waiting in the cold on the outside of the Muggleton coach which they have just attained well wrapped up in greatcoats shawls and comforters The portmanteaus and carpetbags have been stowed away and Mr Weller and the guard are endeavouring to insinuate into the fore boot a huge codfish several sizes too large for itwhich is snugly packed up in a long brown basket with a layer of straw over the top and which has been left to the last in order that he may repose in safety on the halfdozen barrels of real native oysters all the property of Mr Pickwick which have been arranged in regular order at the bottom of the receptacle The interest displayed in Mr Pickwicks countenance is most intense as Mr Weller and the guard try to squeeze the codfish into the boot first head first and then tail first and then top upward and then bottom upward and then sideways and then longways all of which artifices the implacable codfish sturdily resists until the guard accidentally hits him in the very middle of the basket whereupon he suddenly disappears into the boot and with him the head and shoulders of the guard himself who not calculating upon so sudden a cessation of the passive resistance of the codfish experiences a very unexpected shock to the unsmotherable delight of all the porters and bystanders Upon this Mr Pickwick smiles with great goodhumour and drawing a shilling from his waistcoat pocket begs the guard as he picks himself out of the boot to drink his health in a glass of hot brandyandwater at which the guard smiles too and Messrs Snodgrass Winkle and Tupman all smile in company The guard and Mr Weller disappear for five minutes most probably to get the hot brandyandwater for they smell very strongly of it when they return the coachman mounts to the box Mr Weller jumps up behind the Pickwickians pull their coats round their legs and their shawls over their noses the helpers pull the horsecloths off the coachman shouts out a cheery All right and away they go They have rumbled through the streets and jolted over the stones and at length reach the wide and open country The wheels skim over the hard and frosty ground and the horses bursting into a canter at a smart crack of the whip step along the road as if the load behind them coach passengers codfish oysterbarrels and allwere but a feather at their heels They have descended a gentle slope and enter upon a level as compact and dry as a solid block of marble two miles long Another crack of the whip and on they speed at a smart gallop the horses tossing their heads and rattling the harness as if in exhilaration at the rapidity of the motion while the coachman holding whip and reins in one hand takes off his hat with the other and resting it on his knees pulls out his handkerchief and wipes his forehead partly because he has a habit of doing it and partly because its as well to show the passengers how cool he is and what an easy thing it is to drive fourinhand when you have had as much practice as he has Having done this very leisurely otherwise the effect would be materially impaired he replaces his handkerchief pulls on his hat adjusts his gloves squares his elbows cracks the whip again and on they speed more merrily than before A few small houses scattered on either side of the road betoken the entrance to some town or village The lively notes of the guards key bugle vibrate in the clear cold air and wake up the old gentleman inside who carefully letting down the windowsash halfway and standing sentry over the air takes a short peep out and then carefully pulling it up again informs the other inside that theyre going to change directly on which the other inside wakes himself up and determines to postpone his next nap until after the stoppage Again the bugle sounds lustily forth and rouses the cottagers wife and children who peep out at the house door and watch the coach till it turns the corner when they once more crouch round the blazing fire and throw on another log of wood against father comes home while father himself a full mile off has just exchanged a friendly nod with the coachman and turned round to take a good long stare at the vehicle as it whirls away And now the bugle plays a lively air as the coach rattles through the illpaved streets of a country town and the coachman undoing the buckle which keeps his ribands together prepares to throw them off the moment he stops Mr Pickwick emerges from his coat collar and looks about him with great curiosity perceiving which the coachman informs Mr Pickwick of the name of the town and tells him it was marketday yesterday both of which pieces of information Mr Pickwick retails to his fellowpassengers whereupon they emerge from their coat collars too and look about them also Mr Winkle who sits at the extreme edge with one leg dangling in the air is nearly precipitated into the street as the coach twists round the sharp corner by the cheesemongers shop and turns into the marketplace and before Mr Snodgrass who sits next to him has recovered from his alarm they pull up at the inn yard where the fresh horses with cloths on are already waiting The coachman throws down the reins and gets down himself and the other outside passengers drop down also except those who have no great confidence in their ability to get up again and they remain where they are and stamp their feet against the coach to warm themlooking with longing eyes and red noses at the bright fire in the inn bar and the sprigs of holly with red berries which ornament the window But the guard has delivered at the corndealers shop the brown paper packet he took out of the little pouch which hangs over his shoulder by a leathern strap and has seen the horses carefully put to and has thrown on the pavement the saddle which was brought from London on the coach roof and has assisted in the conference between the coachman and the hostler about the gray mare that hurt her off foreleg last Tuesday and he and Mr Weller are all right behind and the coachman is all right in front and the old gentleman inside who has kept the window down full two inches all this time has pulled it up again and the cloths are off and they are all ready for starting except the two stout gentlemen whom the coachman inquires after with some impatience Hereupon the coachman and the guard and Sam Weller and Mr Winkle and Mr Snodgrass and all the hostlers and every one of the idlers who are more in number than all the others put together shout for the missing gentlemen as loud as they can bawl A distant response is heard from the yard and Mr Pickwick and Mr Tupman come running down it quite out of breath for they have been having a glass of ale apiece and Mr Pickwicks fingers are so cold that he has been full five minutes before he could find the sixpence to pay for it The coachman shouts an admonitory Now then genlmn the guard reechoes it the old gentleman inside thinks it a very extraordinary thing that people will get down when they know there isnt time for it Mr Pickwick struggles up on one side Mr Tupman on the other Mr Winkle cries All right and off they start Shawls are pulled up coat collars are readjusted the pavement ceases the houses disappear and they are once again dashing along the open road with the fresh clear air blowing in their faces and gladdening their very hearts within them Such was the progress of Mr Pickwick and his friends by the Muggleton Telegraph on their way to Dingley Dell and at three oclock that afternoon they all stood high and dry safe and sound hale and hearty upon the steps of the Blue Lion having taken on the road quite enough of ale and brandy to enable them to bid defiance to the frost that was binding up the earth in its iron fetters and weaving its beautiful network upon the trees and hedges Mr Pickwick was busily engaged in counting the barrels of oysters and superintending the disinterment of the codfish when he felt himself gently pulled by the skirts of the coat Looking round he discovered that the individual who resorted to this mode of catching his attention was no other than Mr Wardles favourite page better known to the readers of this unvarnished history by the distinguishing appellation of the fat boy Aha said Mr Pickwick Aha said the fat boy As he said it he glanced from the codfish to the oysterbarrels and chuckled joyously He was fatter than ever Well you look rosy enough my young friend said Mr Pickwick Ive been asleep right in front of the taproom fire replied the fat boy who had heated himself to the colour of a new chimneypot in the course of an hours nap Master sent me over with the chaycart to carry your luggage up to the house Hed ha sent some saddlehorses but he thought youd rather walk being a cold day Yes yes said Mr Pickwick hastily for he remembered how they had travelled over nearly the same ground on a previous occasion Yes we would rather walk Here Sam Sir said Mr Weller Help Mr Wardles servant to put the packages into the cart and then ride on with him We will walk forward at once Having given this direction and settled with the coachman Mr Pickwick and his three friends struck into the footpath across the fields and walked briskly away leaving Mr Weller and the fat boy confronted together for the first time Sam looked at the fat boy with great astonishment but without saying a word and began to stow the luggage rapidly away in the cart while the fat boy stood quietly by and seemed to think it a very interesting sort of thing to see Mr Weller working by himself There said Sam throwing in the last carpetbag there they are Yes said the fat boy in a very satisfied tone there they are Vell young twenty stun said Sam youre a nice specimen of a prize boy you are Thankee said the fat boy You aint got nothin on your mind as makes you fret yourself have you inquired Sam Not as I knows on replied the fat boy I should rayther ha thought to look at you that you was alabourin under an unrequited attachment to some young ooman said Sam The fat boy shook his head Vell said Sam I am glad to hear it Do you ever drink anythin I likes eating better replied the boy Ah said Sam I should ha sposed that but what I mean is should you like a drop of anythin asd warm you but I spose you never was cold with all them elastic fixtures was you Sometimes replied the boy and I likes a drop of something when its good Oh you do do you said Sam come this way then The Blue Lion tap was soon gained and the fat boy swallowed a glass of liquor without so much as winkinga feat which considerably advanced him in Mr Wellers good opinion Mr Weller having transacted a similar piece of business on his own account they got into the cart Can you drive said the fat boy I should rayther think so replied Sam There then said the fat boy putting the reins in his hand and pointing up a lane its as straight as you can go you cant miss it With these words the fat boy laid himself affectionately down by the side of the codfish and placing an oysterbarrel under his head for a pillow fell asleep instantaneously Well said Sam of all the cool boys ever I set my eyes on this here young genlmn is the coolest Come wake up young dropsy But as young dropsy evinced no symptoms of returning animation Sam Weller sat himself down in front of the cart and starting the old horse with a jerk of the rein jogged steadily on towards the Manor Farm Meanwhile Mr Pickwick and his friends having walked their blood into active circulation proceeded cheerfully on The paths were hard the grass was crisp and frosty the air had a fine dry bracing coldness and the rapid approach of the gray twilight slatecoloured is a better term in frosty weather made them look forward with pleasant anticipation to the comforts which awaited them at their hospitable entertainers It was the sort of afternoon that might induce a couple of elderly gentlemen in a lonely field to take off their greatcoats and play at leapfrog in pure lightness of heart and gaiety and we firmly believe that had Mr Tupman at that moment proffered a back Mr Pickwick would have accepted his offer with the utmost avidity However Mr Tupman did not volunteer any such accommodation and the friends walked on conversing merrily As they turned into a lane they had to cross the sound of many voices burst upon their ears and before they had even had time to form a guess to whom they belonged they walked into the very centre of the party who were expecting their arrivala fact which was first notified to the Pickwickians by the loud Hurrah which burst from old Wardles lips when they appeared in sight First there was Wardle himself looking if that were possible more jolly than ever then there were Bella and her faithful Trundle and lastly there were Emily and some eight or ten young ladies who had all come down to the wedding which was to take place next day and who were in as happy and important a state as young ladies usually are on such momentous occasions and they were one and all startling the fields and lanes far and wide with their frolic and laughter The ceremony of introduction under such circumstances was very soon performed or we should rather say that the introduction was soon over without any ceremony at all In two minutes thereafter Mr Pickwick was joking with the young ladies who wouldnt come over the stile while he lookedor who having pretty feet and unexceptionable ankles preferred standing on the top rail for five minutes or so declaring that they were too frightened to movewith as much ease and absence of reserve or constraint as if he had known them for life It is worthy of remark too that Mr Snodgrass offered Emily far more assistance than the absolute terrors of the stile although it was full three feet high and had only a couple of steppingstones would seem to require while one blackeyed young lady in a very nice little pair of boots with fur round the top was observed to scream very loudly when Mr Winkle offered to help her over All this was very snug and pleasant And when the difficulties of the stile were at last surmounted and they once more entered on the open field old Wardle informed Mr Pickwick how they had all been down in a body to inspect the furniture and fittingsup of the house which the young couple were to tenant after the Christmas holidays at which communication Bella and Trundle both coloured up as red as the fat boy after the taproom fire and the young lady with the black eyes and the fur round the boots whispered something in Emilys ear and then glanced archly at Mr Snodgrass to which Emily responded that she was a foolish girl but turned very red notwithstanding and Mr Snodgrass who was as modest as all great geniuses usually are felt the crimson rising to the crown of his head and devoutly wished in the inmost recesses of his own heart that the young lady aforesaid with her black eyes and her archness and her boots with the fur round the top were all comfortably deposited in the adjacent county But if they were social and happy outside the house what was the warmth and cordiality of their reception when they reached the farm The very servants grinned with pleasure at sight of Mr Pickwick and Emma bestowed a halfdemure halfimpudent and allpretty look of recognition on Mr Tupman which was enough to make the statue of Bonaparte in the passage unfold his arms and clasp her within them The old lady was seated with customary state in the front parlour but she was rather cross and by consequence most particularly deaf She never went out herself and like a great many other old ladies of the same stamp she was apt to consider it an act of domestic treason if anybody else took the liberty of doing what she couldnt So bless her old soul she sat as upright as she could in her great chair and looked as fierce as might beand that was benevolent after all Mother said Wardle Mr Pickwick You recollect him Never mind replied the old lady with great dignity Dont trouble Mr Pickwick about an old creetur like me Nobody cares about me now and its very natral they shouldnt Here the old lady tossed her head and smoothed down her lavendercoloured silk dress with trembling hands Come come maam said Mr Pickwick I cant let you cut an old friend in this way I have come down expressly to have a long talk and another rubber with you and well show these boys and girls how to dance a minuet before theyre eightandforty hours older The old lady was rapidly giving way but she did not like to do it all at once so she only said Ah I cant hear him Nonsense mother said Wardle Come come dont be cross theres a good soul Recollect Bella come you must keep her spirits up poor girl The good old lady heard this for her lip quivered as her son said it But age has its little infirmities of temper and she was not quite brought round yet So she smoothed down the lavendercoloured dress again and turning to Mr Pickwick said Ah Mr Pickwick young people was very different when I was a girl No doubt of that maam said Mr Pickwick and thats the reason why I would make much of the few that have any traces of the old stockand saying this Mr Pickwick gently pulled Bella towards him and bestowing a kiss upon her forehead bade her sit down on the little stool at her grandmothers feet Whether the expression of her countenance as it was raised towards the old ladys face called up a thought of old times or whether the old lady was touched by Mr Pickwicks affectionate good nature or whatever was the cause she was fairly melted so she threw herself on her granddaughters neck and all the little illhumour evaporated in a gush of silent tears A happy party they were that night Sedate and solemn were the score of rubbers in which Mr Pickwick and the old lady played together uproarious was the mirth of the round table Long after the ladies had retired did the hot elder wine well qualified with brandy and spice go round and round and round again and sound was the sleep and pleasant were the dreams that followed It is a remarkable fact that those of Mr Snodgrass bore constant reference to Emily Wardle and that the principal figure in Mr Winkles visions was a young lady with black eyes and arch smile and a pair of remarkably nice boots with fur round the tops Mr Pickwick was awakened early in the morning by a hum of voices and a pattering of feet sufficient to rouse even the fat boy from his heavy slumbers He sat up in bed and listened The female servants and female visitors were running constantly to and fro and there were such multitudinous demands for hot water such repeated outcries for needles and thread and so many halfsuppressed entreaties of Oh do come and tie me theres a dear that Mr Pickwick in his innocence began to imagine that something dreadful must have occurredwhen he grew more awake and remembered the wedding The occasion being an important one he dressed himself with peculiar care and descended to the breakfast room There were all the female servants in a bran new uniform of pink muslin gowns with white bows in their caps running about the house in a state of excitement and agitation which it would be impossible to describe The old lady was dressed out in a brocaded gown which had not seen the light for twenty years saving and excepting such truant rays as had stolen through the chinks in the box in which it had been laid by during the whole time Mr Trundle was in high feather and spirits but a little nervous withal The hearty old landlord was trying to look very cheerful and unconcerned but failing signally in the attempt All the girls were in tears and white muslin except a select two or three who were being honoured with a private view of the bride and bridesmaids upstairs All the Pickwickians were in most blooming array and there was a terrific roaring on the grass in front of the house occasioned by all the men boys and hobbledehoys attached to the farm each of whom had got a white bow in his buttonhole and all of whom were cheering with might and main being incited thereto and stimulated therein by the precept and example of Mr Samuel Weller who had managed to become mighty popular already and was as much at home as if he had been born on the land A wedding is a licensed subject to joke upon but there really is no great joke in the matter after allwe speak merely of the ceremony and beg it to be distinctly understood that we indulge in no hidden sarcasm upon a married life Mixed up with the pleasure and joy of the occasion are the many regrets at quitting home the tears of parting between parent and child the consciousness of leaving the dearest and kindest friends of the happiest portion of human life to encounter its cares and troubles with others still untried and little knownnatural feelings which we would not render this chapter mournful by describing and which we should be still more unwilling to be supposed to ridicule Let us briefly say then that the ceremony was performed by the old clergyman in the parish church of Dingley Dell and that Mr Pickwicks name is attached to the register still preserved in the vestry thereof that the young lady with the black eyes signed her name in a very unsteady and tremulous manner that Emilys signature as the other bridesmaid is nearly illegible that it all went off in very admirable style that the young ladies generally thought it far less shocking than they had expected and that although the owner of the black eyes and the arch smile informed Mr Wardle that she was sure she could never submit to anything so dreadful we have the very best reasons for thinking she was mistaken To all this we may add that Mr Pickwick was the first who saluted the bride and that in so doing he threw over her neck a rich gold watch and chain which no mortal eyes but the jewellers had ever beheld before Then the old church bell rang as gaily as it could and they all returned to breakfast Vere does the mincepies go young opiumeater said Mr Weller to the fat boy as he assisted in laying out such articles of consumption as had not been duly arranged on the previous night The fat boy pointed to the destination of the pies Wery good said Sam stick a bit o Christmas in em Tother dish opposite There now we look compact and comfortable as the father said ven he cut his little boys head off to cure him o squintin As Mr Weller made the comparison he fell back a step or two to give full effect to it and surveyed the preparations with the utmost satisfaction Wardle said Mr Pickwick almost as soon as they were all seated a glass of wine in honour of this happy occasion I shall be delighted my boy said Wardle Joedamn that boy hes gone to sleep No I aint sir replied the fat boy starting up from a remote corner where like the patron saint of fat boysthe immortal Horner he had been devouring a Christmas pie though not with the coolness and deliberation which characterised that young gentlemans proceedings Fill Mr Pickwicks glass Yes sir The fat boy filled Mr Pickwicks glass and then retired behind his masters chair from whence he watched the play of the knives and forks and the progress of the choice morsels from the dishes to the mouths of the company with a kind of dark and gloomy joy that was most impressive God bless you old fellow said Mr Pickwick Same to you my boy replied Wardle and they pledged each other heartily Mrs Wardle said Mr Pickwick we old folks must have a glass of wine together in honour of this joyful event The old lady was in a state of great grandeur just then for she was sitting at the top of the table in the brocaded gown with her newly married granddaughter on one side and Mr Pickwick on the other to do the carving Mr Pickwick had not spoken in a very loud tone but she understood him at once and drank off a full glass of wine to his long life and happiness after which the worthy old soul launched forth into a minute and particular account of her own wedding with a dissertation on the fashion of wearing highheeled shoes and some particulars concerning the life and adventures of the beautiful Lady Tollimglower deceased at all of which the old lady herself laughed very heartily indeed and so did the young ladies too for they were wondering among themselves what on earth grandma was talking about When they laughed the old lady laughed ten times more heartily and said that these always had been considered capital stories which caused them all to laugh again and put the old lady into the very best of humours Then the cake was cut and passed through the ring the young ladies saved pieces to put under their pillows to dream of their future husbands on and a great deal of blushing and merriment was thereby occasioned Mr Miller said Mr Pickwick to his old acquaintance the hardheaded gentleman a glass of wine With great satisfaction Mr Pickwick replied the hardheaded gentleman solemnly Youll take me in said the benevolent old clergyman And me interposed his wife And me and me said a couple of poor relations at the bottom of the table who had eaten and drunk very heartily and laughed at everything Mr Pickwick expressed his heartfelt delight at every additional suggestion and his eyes beamed with hilarity and cheerfulness Ladies and gentlemen said Mr Pickwick suddenly rising Hear hear Hear hear Hear hear cried Mr Weller in the excitement of his feelings Call in all the servants cried old Wardle interposing to prevent the public rebuke which Mr Weller would otherwise most indubitably have received from his master Give them a glass of wine each to drink the toast in Now Pickwick Amidst the silence of the company the whispering of the womenservants and the awkward embarrassment of the men Mr Pickwick proceeded Ladies and gentlemenno I wont say ladies and gentlemen Ill call you my friends my dear friends if the ladies will allow me to take so great a liberty Here Mr Pickwick was interrupted by immense applause from the ladies echoed by the gentlemen during which the owner of the eyes was distinctly heard to state that she could kiss that dear Mr Pickwick Whereupon Mr Winkle gallantly inquired if it couldnt be done by deputy to which the young lady with the black eyes replied Go away and accompanied the request with a look which said as plainly as a look could do if you can My dear friends resumed Mr Pickwick I am going to propose the health of the bride and bridegroomGod bless em cheers and tears My young friend Trundle I believe to be a very excellent and manly fellow and his wife I know to be a very amiable and lovely girl well qualified to transfer to another sphere of action the happiness which for twenty years she has diffused around her in her fathers house Here the fat boy burst forth into stentorian blubberings and was led forth by the coat collar by Mr Weller I wish added Mr Pickwick I wish I was young enough to be her sisters husband cheers but failing that I am happy to be old enough to be her father for being so I shall not be suspected of any latent designs when I say that I admire esteem and love them both cheers and sobs The brides father our good friend there is a noble person and I am proud to know him great uproar He is a kind excellent independentspirited fine hearted hospitable liberal man enthusiastic shouts from the poor relations at all the adjectives and especially at the two last That his daughter may enjoy all the happiness even he can desire and that he may derive from the contemplation of her felicity all the gratification of heart and peace of mind which he so well deserves is I am persuaded our united wish So let us drink their healths and wish them prolonged life and every blessing Mr Pickwick concluded amidst a whirlwind of applause and once more were the lungs of the supernumeraries under Mr Wellers command brought into active and efficient operation Mr Wardle proposed Mr Pickwick Mr Pickwick proposed the old lady Mr Snodgrass proposed Mr Wardle Mr Wardle proposed Mr Snodgrass One of the poor relations proposed Mr Tupman and the other poor relation proposed Mr Winkle all was happiness and festivity until the mysterious disappearance of both the poor relations beneath the table warned the party that it was time to adjourn At dinner they met again after a fiveandtwenty mile walk undertaken by the males at Wardles recommendation to get rid of the effects of the wine at breakfast The poor relations had kept in bed all day with the view of attaining the same happy consummation but as they had been unsuccessful they stopped there Mr Weller kept the domestics in a state of perpetual hilarity and the fat boy divided his time into small alternate allotments of eating and sleeping The dinner was as hearty an affair as the breakfast and was quite as noisy without the tears Then came the dessert and some more toasts Then came the tea and coffee and then the ball The best sittingroom at Manor Farm was a good long darkpanelled room with a high chimneypiece and a capacious chimney up which you could have driven one of the new patent cabs wheels and all At the upper end of the room seated in a shady bower of holly and evergreens were the two best fiddlers and the only harp in all Muggleton In all sorts of recesses and on all kinds of brackets stood massive old silver candlesticks with four branches each The carpet was up the candles burned bright the fire blazed and crackled on the hearth and merry voices and lighthearted laughter rang through the room If any of the old English yeomen had turned into fairies when they died it was just the place in which they would have held their revels If anything could have added to the interest of this agreeable scene it would have been the remarkable fact of Mr Pickwicks appearing without his gaiters for the first time within the memory of his oldest friends You mean to dance said Wardle Of course I do replied Mr Pickwick Dont you see I am dressed for the purpose Mr Pickwick called attention to his speckled silk stockings and smartly tied pumps You in silk stockings exclaimed Mr Tupman jocosely And why not sirwhy not said Mr Pickwick turning warmly upon him Oh of course there is no reason why you shouldnt wear them responded Mr Tupman I imagine not sirI imagine not said Mr Pickwick in a very peremptory tone Mr Tupman had contemplated a laugh but he found it was a serious matter so he looked grave and said they were a pretty pattern I hope they are said Mr Pickwick fixing his eyes upon his friend You see nothing extraordinary in the stockings as stockings I trust Sir Certainly not Oh certainly not replied Mr Tupman He walked away and Mr Pickwicks countenance resumed its customary benign expression We are all ready I believe said Mr Pickwick who was stationed with the old lady at the top of the dance and had already made four false starts in his excessive anxiety to commence Then begin at once said Wardle Now Up struck the two fiddles and the one harp and off went Mr Pickwick into hands across when there was a general clapping of hands and a cry of Stop stop Whats the matter said Mr Pickwick who was only brought to by the fiddles and harp desisting and could have been stopped by no other earthly power if the house had been on fire Wheres Arabella Allen cried a dozen voices And Winkleadded Mr Tupman Here we are exclaimed that gentleman emerging with his pretty companion from the corner as he did so it would have been hard to tell which was the redder in the face he or the young lady with the black eyes What an extraordinary thing it is Winkle said Mr Pickwick rather pettishly that you couldnt have taken your place before Not at all extraordinary said Mr Winkle Well said Mr Pickwick with a very expressive smile as his eyes rested on Arabella well I dont know that it was extraordinary either after all However there was no time to think more about the matter for the fiddles and harp began in real earnest Away went Mr Pickwickhands acrossdown the middle to the very end of the room and halfway up the chimney back again to the doorpoussette everywhereloud stamp on the groundready for the next coupleoff againall the figure over once moreanother stamp to beat out the timenext couple and the next and the next againnever was such going at last after they had reached the bottom of the dance and full fourteen couple after the old lady had retired in an exhausted state and the clergymans wife had been substituted in her stead did that gentleman when there was no demand whatever on his exertions keep perpetually dancing in his place to keep time to the music smiling on his partner all the while with a blandness of demeanour which baffles all description Long before Mr Pickwick was weary of dancing the newlymarried couple had retired from the scene There was a glorious supper downstairs notwithstanding and a good long sitting after it and when Mr Pickwick awoke late the next morning he had a confused recollection of having severally and confidentially invited somewhere about fiveandforty people to dine with him at the George and Vulture the very first time they came to London which Mr Pickwick rightly considered a pretty certain indication of his having taken something besides exercise on the previous night And so your family has games in the kitchen tonight my dear has they inquired Sam of Emma Yes Mr Weller replied Emma we always have on Christmas Eve Master wouldnt neglect to keep it up on any account Your masters a wery pretty notion of keeping anythin up my dear said Mr Weller I never see such a sensible sort of man as he is or such a reglar genlmn Oh that he is said the fat boy joining in the conversation dont he breed nice pork The fat youth gave a semicannibalic leer at Mr Weller as he thought of the roast legs and gravy Oh youve woke up at last have you said Sam The fat boy nodded Ill tell you what it is young boaconstructer said Mr Weller impressively if you dont sleep a little less and exercise a little more wen you comes to be a man youll lay yourself open to the same sort of personal inconwenience as was inflicted on the old genlmn as wore the pigtail What did they do to him inquired the fat boy in a faltering voice Im agoing to tell you replied Mr Weller he was one o the largest patterns as was ever turned outreglar fat man as hadnt caught a glimpse of his own shoes for fiveandforty year Lor exclaimed Emma No that he hadnt my dear said Mr Weller and if youd put an exact model of his own legs on the dinintable afore him he wouldnt ha known em Well he always walks to his office with a wery handsome gold watchchain hanging out about a foot and a quarter and a gold watch in his fob pocket as was worthIm afraid to say how much but as much as a watch can bea large heavy round manufacter as stout for a watch as he was for a man and with a big face in proportion Youd better not carry that ere watch says the old genlmns friends youll be robbed on it says they Shall I says he Yes you will says they Well says he I should like to see the thief as could get this here watch out for Im blessed if I ever can its such a tight fit says he and wenever I vants to know whats oclock Im obliged to stare into the bakers shops he says Well then he laughs as hearty as if he was agoin to pieces and out he walks agin with his powdered head and pigtail and rolls down the Strand with the chain hangin out furder than ever and the great round watch almost bustin through his gray kersey smalls There warnt a pickpocket in all London as didnt take a pull at that chain but the chain ud never break and the watch ud never come out so they soon got tired of dragging such a heavy old genlmn along the pavement and hed go home and laugh till the pigtail wibrated like the penderlum of a Dutch clock At last one day the old genlmn was arollin along and he sees a pickpocket as he knowd by sight acoming up arm in arm with a little boy with a wery large head Heres a game says the old genlmn to himself theyre agoin to have another try but it wont do So he begins a chucklin wery hearty wen all of a sudden the little boy leaves hold of the pickpockets arm and rushes head foremost straight into the old genlmns stomach and for a moment doubles him right up with the pain Murder says the old genlmn All right Sir says the pickpocket awisperin in his ear And wen he come straight agin the watch and chain was gone and whats worse than that the old genlmns digestion was all wrong ever afterwards to the wery last day of his life so just you look about you young feller and take care you dont get too fat As Mr Weller concluded this moral tale with which the fat boy appeared much affected they all three repaired to the large kitchen in which the family were by this time assembled according to annual custom on Christmas Eve observed by old Wardles forefathers from time immemorial From the centre of the ceiling of this kitchen old Wardle had just suspended with his own hands a huge branch of mistletoe and this same branch of mistletoe instantaneously gave rise to a scene of general and most delightful struggling and confusion in the midst of which Mr Pickwick with a gallantry that would have done honour to a descendant of Lady Tollimglower herself took the old lady by the hand led her beneath the mystic branch and saluted her in all courtesy and decorum The old lady submitted to this piece of practical politeness with all the dignity which befitted so important and serious a solemnity but the younger ladies not being so thoroughly imbued with a superstitious veneration for the custom or imagining that the value of a salute is very much enhanced if it cost a little trouble to obtain it screamed and struggled and ran into corners and threatened and remonstrated and did everything but leave the room until some of the less adventurous gentlemen were on the point of desisting when they all at once found it useless to resist any longer and submitted to be kissed with a good grace Mr Winkle kissed the young lady with the black eyes and Mr Snodgrass kissed Emily and Mr Weller not being particular about the form of being under the mistletoe kissed Emma and the other female servants just as he caught them As to the poor relations they kissed everybody not even excepting the plainer portions of the young lady visitors who in their excessive confusion ran right under the mistletoe as soon as it was hung up without knowing it Wardle stood with his back to the fire surveying the whole scene with the utmost satisfaction and the fat boy took the opportunity of appropriating to his own use and summarily devouring a particularly fine mincepie that had been carefully put by for somebody else Now the screaming had subsided and faces were in a glow and curls in a tangle and Mr Pickwick after kissing the old lady as before mentioned was standing under the mistletoe looking with a very pleased countenance on all that was passing around him when the young lady with the black eyes after a little whispering with the other young ladies made a sudden dart forward and putting her arm round Mr Pickwicks neck saluted him affectionately on the left cheek and before Mr Pickwick distinctly knew what was the matter he was surrounded by the whole body and kissed by every one of them It was a pleasant thing to see Mr Pickwick in the centre of the group now pulled this way and then that and first kissed on the chin and then on the nose and then on the spectacles and to hear the peals of laughter which were raised on every side but it was a still more pleasant thing to see Mr Pickwick blinded shortly afterwards with a silk handkerchief falling up against the wall and scrambling into corners and going through all the mysteries of blindmans buff with the utmost relish for the game until at last he caught one of the poor relations and then had to evade the blindman himself which he did with a nimbleness and agility that elicited the admiration and applause of all beholders The poor relations caught the people who they thought would like it and when the game flagged got caught themselves When they all tired of blindmans buff there was a great game at snap dragon and when fingers enough were burned with that and all the raisins were gone they sat down by the huge fire of blazing logs to a substantial supper and a mighty bowl of wassail something smaller than an ordinary washhouse copper in which the hot apples were hissing and bubbling with a rich look and a jolly sound that were perfectly irresistible This said Mr Pickwick looking round him this is indeed comfort Our invariable custom replied Mr Wardle Everybody sits down with us on Christmas Eve as you see them nowservants and all and here we wait until the clock strikes twelve to usher Christmas in and beguile the time with forfeits and old stories Trundle my boy rake up the fire Up flew the bright sparks in myriads as the logs were stirred The deep red blaze sent forth a rich glow that penetrated into the farthest corner of the room and cast its cheerful tint on every face Come said Wardle a songa Christmas song Ill give you one in default of a better Bravo said Mr Pickwick Fill up cried Wardle It will be two hours good before you see the bottom of the bowl through the deep rich colour of the wassail fill up all round and now for the song Thus saying the merry old gentleman in a good round sturdy voice commenced without more ado A CHRISTMAS CAROL I care not for Spring on his fickle wing Let the blossoms and buds be borne He woos them amain with his treacherous rain And he scatters them ere the morn An inconstant elf he knows not himself Nor his own changing mind an hour Hell smile in your face and with wry grimace Hell wither your youngest flower Let the Summer sun to his bright home run He shall never be sought by me When hes dimmed by a cloud I can laugh aloud And care not how sulky he be For his darling child is the madness wild That sports in fierce fevers train And when love is too strong it dont last long As many have found to their pain A mild harvest night by the tranquil light Of the modest and gentle moon Has a far sweeter sheen for me I ween Than the broad and unblushing noon But every leaf awakens my grief As it lieth beneath the tree So let Autumn air be never so fair It by no means agrees with me But my song I troll out for Christmas Stout The hearty the true and the bold A bumper I drain and with might and main Give three cheers for this Christmas old Well usher him in with a merry din That shall gladden his joyous heart And well keep him up while theres bite or sup And in fellowship good well part In his fine honest pride he scorns to hide One jot of his hardweather scars Theyre no disgrace for theres much the same trace On the cheeks of our bravest tars Then again I sing till the roof doth ring And it echoes from wall to wallTo the stout old wight fair welcome tonight As the King of the Seasons all This song was tumultuously applaudedfor friends and dependents make a capital audienceand the poor relations especially were in perfect ecstasies of rapture Again was the fire replenished and again went the wassail round How it snows said one of the men in a low tone Snows does it said Wardle Rough cold night Sir replied the man and theres a wind got up that drifts it across the fields in a thick white cloud What does Jem say inquired the old lady There aint anything the matter is there No no mother replied Wardle he says theres a snowdrift and a wind thats piercing cold I should know that by the way it rumbles in the chimney Ah said the old lady there was just such a wind and just such a fall of snow a good many years back I recollectjust five years before your poor father died It was a Christmas Eve too and I remember that on that very night he told us the story about the goblins that carried away old Gabriel Grub The story about what said Mr Pickwick Oh nothing nothing replied Wardle About an old sexton that the good people down here suppose to have been carried away by goblins Suppose ejaculated the old lady Is there anybody hardy enough to disbelieve it Suppose Havent you heard ever since you were a child that he was carried away by the goblins and dont you know he was Very well mother he was if you like said Wardle laughing He was carried away by goblins Pickwick and theres an end of the matter No no said Mr Pickwick not an end of it I assure you for I must hear how and why and all about it Wardle smiled as every head was bent forward to hear and filling out the wassail with no stinted hand nodded a health to Mr Pickwick and began as follows But bless our editorial heart what a long chapter we have been betrayed into We had quite forgotten all such petty restrictions as chapters we solemnly declare So here goes to give the goblin a fair start in a new one A clear stage and no favour for the goblins ladies and gentlemen if you please CHAPTER XXIX THE STORY OF THE GOBLINS WHO STOLE A SEXTON In an old abbey town down in this part of the country a long long while agoso long that the story must be a true one because our greatgrandfathers implicitly believed itthere officiated as sexton and gravedigger in the churchyard one Gabriel Grub It by no means follows that because a man is a sexton and constantly surrounded by the emblems of mortality therefore he should be a morose and melancholy man your undertakers are the merriest fellows in the world and I once had the honour of being on intimate terms with a mute who in private life and off duty was as comical and jocose a little fellow as ever chirped out a devilmaycare song without a hitch in his memory or drained off a good stiff glass without stopping for breath But notwithstanding these precedents to the contrary Gabriel Grub was an illconditioned crossgrained surly fellowa morose and lonely man who consorted with nobody but himself and an old wicker bottle which fitted into his large deep waistcoat pocketand who eyed each merry face as it passed him by with such a deep scowl of malice and ill humour as it was difficult to meet without feeling something the worse for A little before twilight one Christmas Eve Gabriel shouldered his spade lighted his lantern and betook himself towards the old churchyard for he had got a grave to finish by next morning and feeling very low he thought it might raise his spirits perhaps if he went on with his work at once As he went his way up the ancient street he saw the cheerful light of the blazing fires gleam through the old casements and heard the loud laugh and the cheerful shouts of those who were assembled around them he marked the bustling preparations for next days cheer and smelled the numerous savoury odours consequent thereupon as they steamed up from the kitchen windows in clouds All this was gall and wormwood to the heart of Gabriel Grub and when groups of children bounded out of the houses tripped across the road and were met before they could knock at the opposite door by half a dozen curlyheaded little rascals who crowded round them as they flocked upstairs to spend the evening in their Christmas games Gabriel smiled grimly and clutched the handle of his spade with a firmer grasp as he thought of measles scarlet fever thrush whoopingcough and a good many other sources of consolation besides In this happy frame of mind Gabriel strode along returning a short sullen growl to the goodhumoured greetings of such of his neighbours as now and then passed him until he turned into the dark lane which led to the churchyard Now Gabriel had been looking forward to reaching the dark lane because it was generally speaking a nice gloomy mournful place into which the townspeople did not much care to go except in broad daylight and when the sun was shining consequently he was not a little indignant to hear a young urchin roaring out some jolly song about a merry Christmas in this very sanctuary which had been called Coffin Lane ever since the days of the old abbey and the time of the shavenheaded monks As Gabriel walked on and the voice drew nearer he found it proceeded from a small boy who was hurrying along to join one of the little parties in the old street and who partly to keep himself company and partly to prepare himself for the occasion was shouting out the song at the highest pitch of his lungs So Gabriel waited until the boy came up and then dodged him into a corner and rapped him over the head with his lantern five or six times just to teach him to modulate his voice And as the boy hurried away with his hand to his head singing quite a different sort of tune Gabriel Grub chuckled very heartily to himself and entered the churchyard locking the gate behind him He took off his coat set down his lantern and getting into the unfinished grave worked at it for an hour or so with right goodwill But the earth was hardened with the frost and it was no very easy matter to break it up and shovel it out and although there was a moon it was a very young one and shed little light upon the grave which was in the shadow of the church At any other time these obstacles would have made Gabriel Grub very moody and miserable but he was so well pleased with having stopped the small boys singing that he took little heed of the scanty progress he had made and looked down into the grave when he had finished work for the night with grim satisfaction murmuring as he gathered up his things Brave lodgings for one brave lodgings for one A few feet of cold earth when life is done A stone at the head a stone at the feet A rich juicy meal for the worms to eat Rank grass overhead and damp clay around Brave lodgings for one these in holy ground Ho ho laughed Gabriel Grub as he sat himself down on a flat tombstone which was a favourite restingplace of his and drew forth his wicker bottle A coffin at Christmas A Christmas box Ho ho ho Ho ho ho repeated a voice which sounded close behind him Gabriel paused in some alarm in the act of raising the wicker bottle to his lips and looked round The bottom of the oldest grave about him was not more still and quiet than the churchyard in the pale moonlight The cold hoar frost glistened on the tombstones and sparkled like rows of gems among the stone carvings of the old church The snow lay hard and crisp upon the ground and spread over the thicklystrewn mounds of earth so white and smooth a cover that it seemed as if corpses lay there hidden only by their winding sheets Not the faintest rustle broke the profound tranquillity of the solemn scene Sound itself appeared to be frozen up all was so cold and still It was the echoes said Gabriel Grub raising the bottle to his lips again It was not said a deep voice Gabriel started up and stood rooted to the spot with astonishment and terror for his eyes rested on a form that made his blood run cold Seated on an upright tombstone close to him was a strange unearthly figure whom Gabriel felt at once was no being of this world His long fantastic legs which might have reached the ground were cocked up and crossed after a quaint fantastic fashion his sinewy arms were bare and his hands rested on his knees On his short round body he wore a close covering ornamented with small slashes a short cloak dangled at his back the collar was cut into curious peaks which served the goblin in lieu of ruff or neckerchief and his shoes curled up at his toes into long points On his head he wore a broadbrimmed sugarloaf hat garnished with a single feather The hat was covered with the white frost and the goblin looked as if he had sat on the same tombstone very comfortably for two or three hundred years He was sitting perfectly still his tongue was put out as if in derision and he was grinning at Gabriel Grub with such a grin as only a goblin could call up It was not the echoes said the goblin Gabriel Grub was paralysed and could make no reply What do you do here on Christmas Eve said the goblin sternly I came to dig a grave Sir stammered Gabriel Grub What man wanders among graves and churchyards on such a night as this cried the goblin Gabriel Grub Gabriel Grub screamed a wild chorus of voices that seemed to fill the churchyard Gabriel looked fearfully roundnothing was to be seen What have you got in that bottle said the goblin Hollands sir replied the sexton trembling more than ever for he had bought it of the smugglers and he thought that perhaps his questioner might be in the excise department of the goblins Who drinks Hollands alone and in a churchyard on such a night as this said the goblin Gabriel Grub Gabriel Grub exclaimed the wild voices again The goblin leered maliciously at the terrified sexton and then raising his voice exclaimed And who then is our fair and lawful prize To this inquiry the invisible chorus replied in a strain that sounded like the voices of many choristers singing to the mighty swell of the old church organa strain that seemed borne to the sextons ears upon a wild wind and to die away as it passed onward but the burden of the reply was still the same Gabriel Grub Gabriel Grub The goblin grinned a broader grin than before as he said Well Gabriel what do you say to this The sexton gasped for breath What do you think of this Gabriel said the goblin kicking up his feet in the air on either side of the tombstone and looking at the turnedup points with as much complacency as if he had been contemplating the most fashionable pair of Wellingtons in all Bond Street Itsitsvery curious Sir replied the sexton half dead with fright very curious and very pretty but I think Ill go back and finish my work Sir if you please Work said the goblin what work The grave Sir making the grave stammered the sexton Oh the grave eh said the goblin who makes graves at a time when all other men are merry and takes a pleasure in it Again the mysterious voices replied Gabriel Grub Gabriel Grub I am afraid my friends want you Gabriel said the goblin thrusting his tongue farther into his cheek than everand a most astonishing tongue it wasIm afraid my friends want you Gabriel said the goblin Under favour Sir replied the horrorstricken sexton I dont think they can Sir they dont know me Sir I dont think the gentlemen have ever seen me Sir Oh yes they have replied the goblin we know the man with the sulky face and grim scowl that came down the street tonight throwing his evil looks at the children and grasping his buryingspade the tighter We know the man who struck the boy in the envious malice of his heart because the boy could be merry and he could not We know him we know him Here the goblin gave a loud shrill laugh which the echoes returned twentyfold and throwing his legs up in the air stood upon his head or rather upon the very point of his sugarloaf hat on the narrow edge of the tombstone whence he threw a Somerset with extraordinary agility right to the sextons feet at which he planted himself in the attitude in which tailors generally sit upon the shopboard IIam afraid I must leave you Sir said the sexton making an effort to move Leave us said the goblin Gabriel Grub going to leave us Ho ho ho As the goblin laughed the sexton observed for one instant a brilliant illumination within the windows of the church as if the whole building were lighted up it disappeared the organ pealed forth a lively air and whole troops of goblins the very counterpart of the first one poured into the churchyard and began playing at leapfrog with the tombstones never stopping for an instant to take breath but overing the highest among them one after the other with the most marvellous dexterity The first goblin was a most astonishing leaper and none of the others could come near him even in the extremity of his terror the sexton could not help observing that while his friends were content to leap over the commonsized gravestones the first one took the family vaults iron railings and all with as much ease as if they had been so many streetposts At last the game reached to a most exciting pitch the organ played quicker and quicker and the goblins leaped faster and faster coiling themselves up rolling head over heels upon the ground and bounding over the tombstones like footballs The sextons brain whirled round with the rapidity of the motion he beheld and his legs reeled beneath him as the spirits flew before his eyes when the goblin king suddenly darting towards him laid his hand upon his collar and sank with him through the earth When Gabriel Grub had had time to fetch his breath which the rapidity of his descent had for the moment taken away he found himself in what appeared to be a large cavern surrounded on all sides by crowds of goblins ugly and grim in the centre of the room on an elevated seat was stationed his friend of the churchyard and close behind him stood Gabriel Grub himself without power of motion Cold tonight said the king of the goblins very cold A glass of something warm here At this command half a dozen officious goblins with a perpetual smile upon their faces whom Gabriel Grub imagined to be courtiers on that account hastily disappeared and presently returned with a goblet of liquid fire which they presented to the king Ah cried the goblin whose cheeks and throat were transparent as he tossed down the flame this warms one indeed Bring a bumper of the same for Mr Grub It was in vain for the unfortunate sexton to protest that he was not in the habit of taking anything warm at night one of the goblins held him while another poured the blazing liquid down his throat the whole assembly screeched with laughter as he coughed and choked and wiped away the tears which gushed plentifully from his eyes after swallowing the burning draught And now said the king fantastically poking the taper corner of his sugarloaf hat into the sextons eye and thereby occasioning him the most exquisite pain and now show the man of misery and gloom a few of the pictures from our own great storehouse As the goblin said this a thick cloud which obscured the remoter end of the cavern rolled gradually away and disclosed apparently at a great distance a small and scantily furnished but neat and clean apartment A crowd of little children were gathered round a bright fire clinging to their mothers gown and gambolling around her chair The mother occasionally rose and drew aside the windowcurtain as if to look for some expected object a frugal meal was ready spread upon the table and an elbow chair was placed near the fire A knock was heard at the door the mother opened it and the children crowded round her and clapped their hands for joy as their father entered He was wet and weary and shook the snow from his garments as the children crowded round him and seizing his cloak hat stick and gloves with busy zeal ran with them from the room Then as he sat down to his meal before the fire the children climbed about his knee and the mother sat by his side and all seemed happiness and comfort But a change came upon the view almost imperceptibly The scene was altered to a small bedroom where the fairest and youngest child lay dying the roses had fled from his cheek and the light from his eye and even as the sexton looked upon him with an interest he had never felt or known before he died His young brothers and sisters crowded round his little bed and seized his tiny hand so cold and heavy but they shrank back from its touch and looked with awe on his infant face for calm and tranquil as it was and sleeping in rest and peace as the beautiful child seemed to be they saw that he was dead and they knew that he was an angel looking down upon and blessing them from a bright and happy Heaven Again the light cloud passed across the picture and again the subject changed The father and mother were old and helpless now and the number of those about them was diminished more than half but content and cheerfulness sat on every face and beamed in every eye as they crowded round the fireside and told and listened to old stories of earlier and bygone days Slowly and peacefully the father sank into the grave and soon after the sharer of all his cares and troubles followed him to a place of rest The few who yet survived them kneeled by their tomb and watered the green turf which covered it with their tears then rose and turned away sadly and mournfully but not with bitter cries or despairing lamentations for they knew that they should one day meet again and once more they mixed with the busy world and their content and cheerfulness were restored The cloud settled upon the picture and concealed it from the sextons view What do you think of that said the goblin turning his large face towards Gabriel Grub Gabriel murmured out something about its being very pretty and looked somewhat ashamed as the goblin bent his fiery eyes upon him You a miserable man said the goblin in a tone of excessive contempt You He appeared disposed to add more but indignation choked his utterance so he lifted up one of his very pliable legs and flourishing it above his head a little to insure his aim administered a good sound kick to Gabriel Grub immediately after which all the goblins in waiting crowded round the wretched sexton and kicked him without mercy according to the established and invariable custom of courtiers upon earth who kick whom royalty kicks and hug whom royalty hugs Show him some more said the king of the goblins At these words the cloud was dispelled and a rich and beautiful landscape was disclosed to viewthere is just such another to this day within half a mile of the old abbey town The sun shone from out the clear blue sky the water sparkled beneath his rays and the trees looked greener and the flowers more gay beneath its cheering influence The water rippled on with a pleasant sound the trees rustled in the light wind that murmured among their leaves the birds sang upon the boughs and the lark carolled on high her welcome to the morning Yes it was morning the bright balmy morning of summer the minutest leaf the smallest blade of grass was instinct with life The ant crept forth to her daily toil the butterfly fluttered and basked in the warm rays of the sun myriads of insects spread their transparent wings and revelled in their brief but happy existence Man walked forth elated with the scene and all was brightness and splendour You a miserable man said the king of the goblins in a more contemptuous tone than before And again the king of the goblins gave his leg a flourish again it descended on the shoulders of the sexton and again the attendant goblins imitated the example of their chief Many a time the cloud went and came and many a lesson it taught to Gabriel Grub who although his shoulders smarted with pain from the frequent applications of the goblins feet thereunto looked on with an interest that nothing could diminish He saw that men who worked hard and earned their scanty bread with lives of labour were cheerful and happy and that to the most ignorant the sweet face of Nature was a neverfailing source of cheerfulness and joy He saw those who had been delicately nurtured and tenderly brought up cheerful under privations and superior to suffering that would have crushed many of a rougher grain because they bore within their own bosoms the materials of happiness contentment and peace He saw that women the tenderest and most fragile of all Gods creatures were the oftenest superior to sorrow adversity and distress and he saw that it was because they bore in their own hearts an inexhaustible wellspring of affection and devotion Above all he saw that men like himself who snarled at the mirth and cheerfulness of others were the foulest weeds on the fair surface of the earth and setting all the good of the world against the evil he came to the conclusion that it was a very decent and respectable sort of world after all No sooner had he formed it than the cloud which had closed over the last picture seemed to settle on his senses and lull him to repose One by one the goblins faded from his sight and as the last one disappeared he sank to sleep The day had broken when Gabriel Grub awoke and found himself lying at full length on the flat gravestone in the churchyard with the wicker bottle lying empty by his side and his coat spade and lantern all well whitened by the last nights frost scattered on the ground The stone on which he had first seen the goblin seated stood bolt upright before him and the grave at which he had worked the night before was not far off At first he began to doubt the reality of his adventures but the acute pain in his shoulders when he attempted to rise assured him that the kicking of the goblins was certainly not ideal He was staggered again by observing no traces of footsteps in the snow on which the goblins had played at leapfrog with the gravestones but he speedily accounted for this circumstance when he remembered that being spirits they would leave no visible impression behind them So Gabriel Grub got on his feet as well as he could for the pain in his back and brushing the frost off his coat put it on and turned his face towards the town But he was an altered man and he could not bear the thought of returning to a place where his repentance would be scoffed at and his reformation disbelieved He hesitated for a few moments and then turned away to wander where he might and seek his bread elsewhere The lantern the spade and the wicker bottle were found that day in the churchyard There were a great many speculations about the sextons fate at first but it was speedily determined that he had been carried away by the goblins and there were not wanting some very credible witnesses who had distinctly seen him whisked through the air on the back of a chestnut horse blind of one eye with the hindquarters of a lion and the tail of a bear At length all this was devoutly believed and the new sexton used to exhibit to the curious for a trifling emolument a goodsized piece of the church weathercock which had been accidentally kicked off by the aforesaid horse in his aerial flight and picked up by himself in the churchyard a year or two afterwards Unfortunately these stories were somewhat disturbed by the unlooked for reappearance of Gabriel Grub himself some ten years afterwards a ragged contented rheumatic old man He told his story to the clergyman and also to the mayor and in course of time it began to be received as a matter of history in which form it has continued down to this very day The believers in the weathercock tale having misplaced their confidence once were not easily prevailed upon to part with it again so they looked as wise as they could shrugged their shoulders touched their foreheads and murmured something about Gabriel Grub having drunk all the Hollands and then fallen asleep on the flat tombstone and they affected to explain what he supposed he had witnessed in the goblins cavern by saying that he had seen the world and grown wiser But this opinion which was by no means a popular one at any time gradually died off and be the matter how it may as Gabriel Grub was afflicted with rheumatism to the end of his days this story has at least one moral if it teach no better oneand that is that if a man turn sulky and drink by himself at Christmas time he may make up his mind to be not a bit the better for it let the spirits be never so good or let them be even as many degrees beyond proof as those which Gabriel Grub saw in the goblins cavern CHAPTER XXX HOW THE PICKWICKIANS MADE AND CULTIVATED THE ACQUAINTANCE OF A COUPLE OF NICE YOUNG MEN BELONGING TO ONE OF THE LIBERAL PROFESSIONS HOW THEY DISPORTED THEMSELVES ON THE ICE AND HOW THEIR VISIT CAME TO A CONCLUSION Well Sam said Mr Pickwick as that favoured servitor entered his bedchamber with his warm water on the morning of Christmas Day still frosty Water in the washhand basins a mask o ice Sir responded Sam Severe weather Sam observed Mr Pickwick Fine time for them as is well wropped up as the Polar bear said to himself ven he was practising his skating replied Mr Weller I shall be down in a quarter of an hour Sam said Mr Pickwick untying his nightcap Wery good sir replied Sam Theres a couple o sawbones downstairs A couple of what exclaimed Mr Pickwick sitting up in bed A couple o sawbones said Sam Whats a sawbones inquired Mr Pickwick not quite certain whether it was a live animal or something to eat What Dont you know what a sawbones is sir inquired Mr Weller I thought everybody knowd as a sawbones was a surgeon Oh a surgeon eh said Mr Pickwick with a smile Just that sir replied Sam These here ones as is below though aint reglar thoroughbred sawbones theyre only in trainin In other words theyre medical students I suppose said Mr Pickwick Sam Weller nodded assent I am glad of it said Mr Pickwick casting his nightcap energetically on the counterpane They are fine fellowsvery fine fellows with judgments matured by observation and reflection and tastes refined by reading and study I am very glad of it Theyre asmokin cigars by the kitchen fire said Sam Ah observed Mr Pickwick rubbing his hands overflowing with kindly feelings and animal spirits Just what I like to see And one on em said Sam not noticing his masters interruption one on ems got his legs on the table and is adrinking brandy neat vile the tother onehim in the barnacleshas got a barrel o oysters atween his knees which hes aopenin like steam and as fast as he eats em he takes a aim vith the shells at young dropsy whos a sittin down fast asleep in the chimbley corner Eccentricities of genius Sam said Mr Pickwick You may retire Sam did retire accordingly Mr Pickwick at the expiration of the quarter of an hour went down to breakfast Here he is at last said old Mr Wardle Pickwick this is Miss Allens brother Mr Benjamin Allen Ben we call him and so may you if you like This gentleman is his very particular friend Mr Mr Bob Sawyer interposed Mr Benjamin Allen whereupon Mr Bob Sawyer and Mr Benjamin Allen laughed in concert Mr Pickwick bowed to Bob Sawyer and Bob Sawyer bowed to Mr Pickwick Bob and his very particular friend then applied themselves most assiduously to the eatables before them and Mr Pickwick had an opportunity of glancing at them both Mr Benjamin Allen was a coarse stout thickset young man with black hair cut rather short and a white face cut rather long He was embellished with spectacles and wore a white neckerchief Below his singlebreasted black surtout which was buttoned up to his chin appeared the usual number of pepperandsalt coloured legs terminating in a pair of imperfectly polished boots Although his coat was short in the sleeves it disclosed no vestige of a linen wristband and although there was quite enough of his face to admit of the encroachment of a shirt collar it was not graced by the smallest approach to that appendage He presented altogether rather a mildewy appearance and emitted a fragrant odour of fullflavoured Cubas Mr Bob Sawyer who was habited in a coarse blue coat which without being either a greatcoat or a surtout partook of the nature and qualities of both had about him that sort of slovenly smartness and swaggering gait which is peculiar to young gentlemen who smoke in the streets by day shout and scream in the same by night call waiters by their Christian names and do various other acts and deeds of an equally facetious description He wore a pair of plaid trousers and a large rough doublebreasted waistcoat out of doors he carried a thick stick with a big top He eschewed gloves and looked upon the whole something like a dissipated Robinson Crusoe Such were the two worthies to whom Mr Pickwick was introduced as he took his seat at the breakfasttable on Christmas morning Splendid morning gentlemen said Mr Pickwick Mr Bob Sawyer slightly nodded his assent to the proposition and asked Mr Benjamin Allen for the mustard Have you come far this morning gentlemen inquired Mr Pickwick Blue Lion at Muggleton briefly responded Mr Allen You should have joined us last night said Mr Pickwick So we should replied Bob Sawyer but the brandy was too good to leave in a hurry wasnt it Ben Certainly said Mr Benjamin Allen and the cigars were not bad or the porkchops either were they Bob Decidedly not said Bob The particular friends resumed their attack upon the breakfast more freely than before as if the recollection of last nights supper had imparted a new relish to the meal Peg away Bob said Mr Allen to his companion encouragingly So I do replied Bob Sawyer And so to do him justice he did Nothing like dissecting to give one an appetite said Mr Bob Sawyer looking round the table Mr Pickwick slightly shuddered By the bye Bob said Mr Allen have you finished that leg yet Nearly replied Sawyer helping himself to half a fowl as he spoke Its a very muscular one for a childs Is it inquired Mr Allen carelessly Very said Bob Sawyer with his mouth full Ive put my name down for an arm at our place said Mr Allen Were clubbing for a subject and the list is nearly full only we cant get hold of any fellow that wants a head I wish youd take it No replied Bob Sawyer cant afford expensive luxuries Nonsense said Allen Cant indeed rejoined Bob Sawyer I wouldnt mind a brain but I couldnt stand a whole head Hush hush gentlemen pray said Mr Pickwick I hear the ladies As Mr Pickwick spoke the ladies gallantly escorted by Messrs Snodgrass Winkle and Tupman returned from an early walk Why Ben said Arabella in a tone which expressed more surprise than pleasure at the sight of her brother Come to take you home tomorrow replied Benjamin Mr Winkle turned pale Dont you see Bob Sawyer Arabella inquired Mr Benjamin Allen somewhat reproachfully Arabella gracefully held out her hand in acknowledgment of Bob Sawyers presence A thrill of hatred struck to Mr Winkles heart as Bob Sawyer inflicted on the proffered hand a perceptible squeeze Ben dear said Arabella blushing havehaveyou been introduced to Mr Winkle I have not been but I shall be very happy to be Arabella replied her brother gravely Here Mr Allen bowed grimly to Mr Winkle while Mr Winkle and Mr Bob Sawyer glanced mutual distrust out of the corners of their eyes The arrival of the two new visitors and the consequent check upon Mr Winkle and the young lady with the fur round her boots would in all probability have proved a very unpleasant interruption to the hilarity of the party had not the cheerfulness of Mr Pickwick and the good humour of the host been exerted to the very utmost for the common weal Mr Winkle gradually insinuated himself into the good graces of Mr Benjamin Allen and even joined in a friendly conversation with Mr Bob Sawyer who enlivened with the brandy and the breakfast and the talking gradually ripened into a state of extreme facetiousness and related with much glee an agreeable anecdote about the removal of a tumour on some gentlemans head which he illustrated by means of an oysterknife and a halfquartern loaf to the great edification of the assembled company Then the whole train went to church where Mr Benjamin Allen fell fast asleep while Mr Bob Sawyer abstracted his thoughts from worldly matters by the ingenious process of carving his name on the seat of the pew in corpulent letters of four inches long Now said Wardle after a substantial lunch with the agreeable items of strong beer and cherrybrandy had been done ample justice to what say you to an hour on the ice We shall have plenty of time Capital said Mr Benjamin Allen Prime ejaculated Mr Bob Sawyer You skate of course Winkle said Wardle Yeyes oh yes replied Mr Winkle IIam rather out of practice Oh do skate Mr Winkle said Arabella I like to see it so much Oh it is so graceful said another young lady A third young lady said it was elegant and a fourth expressed her opinion that it was swanlike I should be very happy Im sure said Mr Winkle reddening but I have no skates This objection was at once overruled Trundle had a couple of pair and the fat boy announced that there were half a dozen more downstairs whereat Mr Winkle expressed exquisite delight and looked exquisitely uncomfortable Old Wardle led the way to a pretty large sheet of ice and the fat boy and Mr Weller having shovelled and swept away the snow which had fallen on it during the night Mr Bob Sawyer adjusted his skates with a dexterity which to Mr Winkle was perfectly marvellous and described circles with his left leg and cut figures of eight and inscribed upon the ice without once stopping for breath a great many other pleasant and astonishing devices to the excessive satisfaction of Mr Pickwick Mr Tupman and the ladies which reached a pitch of positive enthusiasm when old Wardle and Benjamin Allen assisted by the aforesaid Bob Sawyer performed some mystic evolutions which they called a reel All this time Mr Winkle with his face and hands blue with the cold had been forcing a gimlet into the sole of his feet and putting his skates on with the points behind and getting the straps into a very complicated and entangled state with the assistance of Mr Snodgrass who knew rather less about skates than a Hindoo At length however with the assistance of Mr Weller the unfortunate skates were firmly screwed and buckled on and Mr Winkle was raised to his feet Now then Sir said Sam in an encouraging tone off vith you and show em how to do it Stop Sam stop said Mr Winkle trembling violently and clutching hold of Sams arms with the grasp of a drowning man How slippery it is Sam Not an uncommon thing upon ice Sir replied Mr Weller Hold up Sir This last observation of Mr Wellers bore reference to a demonstration Mr Winkle made at the instant of a frantic desire to throw his feet in the air and dash the back of his head on the ice Thesetheseare very awkward skates aint they Sam inquired Mr Winkle staggering Im afeerd theres a orkard genlmn in em Sir replied Sam Now Winkle cried Mr Pickwick quite unconscious that there was anything the matter Come the ladies are all anxiety Yes yes replied Mr Winkle with a ghastly smile Im coming Just agoin to begin said Sam endeavouring to disengage himself Now Sir start off Stop an instant Sam gasped Mr Winkle clinging most affectionately to Mr Weller I find Ive got a couple of coats at home that I dont want Sam You may have them Sam Thankee Sir replied Mr Weller Never mind touching your hat Sam said Mr Winkle hastily You neednt take your hand away to do that I meant to have given you five shillings this morning for a Christmas box Sam Ill give it you this afternoon Sam Youre wery good sir replied Mr Weller Just hold me at first Sam will you said Mr Winkle Therethats right I shall soon get in the way of it Sam Not too fast Sam not too fast Mr Winkle stooping forward with his body half doubled up was being assisted over the ice by Mr Weller in a very singular and unswanlike manner when Mr Pickwick most innocently shouted from the opposite bank Sam Sir Here I want you Let go Sir said Sam Dont you hear the governor acallin Let go sir With a violent effort Mr Weller disengaged himself from the grasp of the agonised Pickwickian and in so doing administered a considerable impetus to the unhappy Mr Winkle With an accuracy which no degree of dexterity or practice could have insured that unfortunate gentleman bore swiftly down into the centre of the reel at the very moment when Mr Bob Sawyer was performing a flourish of unparalleled beauty Mr Winkle struck wildly against him and with a loud crash they both fell heavily down Mr Pickwick ran to the spot Bob Sawyer had risen to his feet but Mr Winkle was far too wise to do anything of the kind in skates He was seated on the ice making spasmodic efforts to smile but anguish was depicted on every lineament of his countenance Are you hurt inquired Mr Benjamin Allen with great anxiety Not much said Mr Winkle rubbing his back very hard I wish youd let me bleed you said Mr Benjamin with great eagerness No thank you replied Mr Winkle hurriedly I really think you had better said Allen Thank you replied Mr Winkle Id rather not What do you think Mr Pickwick inquired Bob Sawyer Mr Pickwick was excited and indignant He beckoned to Mr Weller and said in a stern voice Take his skates off No but really I had scarcely begun remonstrated Mr Winkle Take his skates off repeated Mr Pickwick firmly The command was not to be resisted Mr Winkle allowed Sam to obey it in silence Lift him up said Mr Pickwick Sam assisted him to rise Mr Pickwick retired a few paces apart from the bystanders and beckoning his friend to approach fixed a searching look upon him and uttered in a low but distinct and emphatic tone these remarkable words Youre a humbug sir A what said Mr Winkle starting A humbug Sir I will speak plainer if you wish it An impostor sir With those words Mr Pickwick turned slowly on his heel and rejoined his friends While Mr Pickwick was delivering himself of the sentiment just recorded Mr Weller and the fat boy having by their joint endeavours cut out a slide were exercising themselves thereupon in a very masterly and brilliant manner Sam Weller in particular was displaying that beautiful feat of fancysliding which is currently denominated knocking at the cobblers door and which is achieved by skimming over the ice on one foot and occasionally giving a postmans knock upon it with the other It was a good long slide and there was something in the motion which Mr Pickwick who was very cold with standing still could not help envying It looks a nice warm exercise that doesnt it he inquired of Wardle when that gentleman was thoroughly out of breath by reason of the indefatigable manner in which he had converted his legs into a pair of compasses and drawn complicated problems on the ice Ah it does indeed replied Wardle Do you slide I used to do so on the gutters when I was a boy replied Mr Pickwick Try it now said Wardle Oh do please Mr Pickwick cried all the ladies I should be very happy to afford you any amusement replied Mr Pickwick but I havent done such a thing these thirty years Pooh pooh Nonsense said Wardle dragging off his skates with the impetuosity which characterised all his proceedings Here Ill keep you company come along And away went the goodtempered old fellow down the slide with a rapidity which came very close upon Mr Weller and beat the fat boy all to nothing Mr Pickwick paused considered pulled off his gloves and put them in his hat took two or three short runs baulked himself as often and at last took another run and went slowly and gravely down the slide with his feet about a yard and a quarter apart amidst the gratified shouts of all the spectators Keep the pot abilin Sir said Sam and down went Wardle again and then Mr Pickwick and then Sam and then Mr Winkle and then Mr Bob Sawyer and then the fat boy and then Mr Snodgrass following closely upon each others heels and running after each other with as much eagerness as if their future prospects in life depended on their expedition It was the most intensely interesting thing to observe the manner in which Mr Pickwick performed his share in the ceremony to watch the torture of anxiety with which he viewed the person behind gaining upon him at the imminent hazard of tripping him up to see him gradually expend the painful force he had put on at first and turn slowly round on the slide with his face towards the point from which he had started to contemplate the playful smile which mantled on his face when he had accomplished the distance and the eagerness with which he turned round when he had done so and ran after his predecessor his black gaiters tripping pleasantly through the snow and his eyes beaming cheerfulness and gladness through his spectacles And when he was knocked down which happened upon the average every third round it was the most invigorating sight that can possibly be imagined to behold him gather up his hat gloves and handkerchief with a glowing countenance and resume his station in the rank with an ardour and enthusiasm that nothing Could abate The sport was at its height the sliding was at the quickest the laughter was at the loudest when a sharp smart crack was heard There was a quick rush towards the bank a wild scream from the ladies and a shout from Mr Tupman A large mass of ice disappeared the water bubbled up over it Mr Pickwicks hat gloves and handkerchief were floating on the surface and this was all of Mr Pickwick that anybody could see Dismay and anguish were depicted on every countenance the males turned pale and the females fainted Mr Snodgrass and Mr Winkle grasped each other by the hand and gazed at the spot where their leader had gone down with frenzied eagerness while Mr Tupman by way of rendering the promptest assistance and at the same time conveying to any persons who might be within hearing the clearest possible notion of the catastrophe ran off across the country at his utmost speed screaming Fire with all his might It was at this moment when old Wardle and Sam Weller were approaching the hole with cautious steps and Mr Benjamin Allen was holding a hurried consultation with Mr Bob Sawyer on the advisability of bleeding the company generally as an improving little bit of professional practiceit was at this very moment that a face head and shoulders emerged from beneath the water and disclosed the features and spectacles of Mr Pickwick Keep yourself up for an instantfor only one instant bawled Mr Snodgrass Yes do let me implore youfor my sake roared Mr Winkle deeply affected The adjuration was rather unnecessary the probability being that if Mr Pickwick had declined to keep himself up for anybody elses sake it would have occurred to him that he might as well do so for his own Do you feel the bottom there old fellow said Wardle Yes certainly replied Mr Pickwick wringing the water from his head and face and gasping for breath I fell upon my back I couldnt get on my feet at first The clay upon so much of Mr Pickwicks coat as was yet visible bore testimony to the accuracy of this statement and as the fears of the spectators were still further relieved by the fat boys suddenly recollecting that the water was nowhere more than five feet deep prodigies of valour were performed to get him out After a vast quantity of splashing and cracking and struggling Mr Pickwick was at length fairly extricated from his unpleasant position and once more stood on dry land Oh hell catch his death of cold said Emily Dear old thing said Arabella Let me wrap this shawl round you Mr Pickwick Ah thats the best thing you can do said Wardle and when youve got it on run home as fast as your legs can carry you and jump into bed directly A dozen shawls were offered on the instant Three or four of the thickest having been selected Mr Pickwick was wrapped up and started off under the guidance of Mr Weller presenting the singular phenomenon of an elderly gentleman dripping wet and without a hat with his arms bound down to his sides skimming over the ground without any clearlydefined purpose at the rate of six good English miles an hour But Mr Pickwick cared not for appearances in such an extreme case and urged on by Sam Weller he kept at the very top of his speed until he reached the door of Manor Farm where Mr Tupman had arrived some five minutes before and had frightened the old lady into palpitations of the heart by impressing her with the unalterable conviction that the kitchen chimney was on firea calamity which always presented itself in glowing colours to the old ladys mind when anybody about her evinced the smallest agitation Mr Pickwick paused not an instant until he was snug in bed Sam Weller lighted a blazing fire in the room and took up his dinner a bowl of punch was carried up afterwards and a grand carouse held in honour of his safety Old Wardle would not hear of his rising so they made the bed the chair and Mr Pickwick presided A second and a third bowl were ordered in and when Mr Pickwick awoke next morning there was not a symptom of rheumatism about him which proves as Mr Bob Sawyer very justly observed that there is nothing like hot punch in such cases and that if ever hot punch did fail to act as a preventive it was merely because the patient fell into the vulgar error of not taking enough of it The jovial party broke up next morning Breakingsup are capital things in our schooldays but in after life they are painful enough Death selfinterest and fortunes changes are every day breaking up many a happy group and scattering them far and wide and the boys and girls never come back again We do not mean to say that it was exactly the case in this particular instance all we wish to inform the reader is that the different members of the party dispersed to their several homes that Mr Pickwick and his friends once more took their seats on the top of the Muggleton coach and that Arabella Allen repaired to her place of destination wherever it might have beenwe dare say Mr Winkle knew but we confess we dontunder the care and guardianship of her brother Benjamin and his most intimate and particular friend Mr Bob Sawyer Before they separated however that gentleman and Mr Benjamin Allen drew Mr Pickwick aside with an air of some mystery and Mr Bob Sawyer thrusting his forefinger between two of Mr Pickwicks ribs and thereby displaying his native drollery and his knowledge of the anatomy of the human frame at one and the same time inquired I say old boy where do you hang out Mr Pickwick replied that he was at present suspended at the George and Vulture I wish youd come and see me said Bob Sawyer Nothing would give me greater pleasure replied Mr Pickwick Theres my lodgings said Mr Bob Sawyer producing a card Lant Street Borough its near Guys and handy for me you know Little distance after youve passed St Georges Churchturns out of the High Street on the right hand side the way I shall find it said Mr Pickwick Come on Thursday fortnight and bring the other chaps with you said Mr Bob Sawyer Im going to have a few medical fellows that night Mr Pickwick expressed the pleasure it would afford him to meet the medical fellows and after Mr Bob Sawyer had informed him that he meant to be very cosy and that his friend Ben was to be one of the party they shook hands and separated We feel that in this place we lay ourself open to the inquiry whether Mr Winkle was whispering during this brief conversation to Arabella Allen and if so what he said and furthermore whether Mr Snodgrass was conversing apart with Emily Wardle and if so what he said To this we reply that whatever they might have said to the ladies they said nothing at all to Mr Pickwick or Mr Tupman for eightandtwenty miles and that they sighed very often refused ale and brandy and looked gloomy If our observant lady readers can deduce any satisfactory inferences from these facts we beg them by all means to do so CHAPTER XXXI WHICH IS ALL ABOUT THE LAW AND SUNDRY GREAT AUTHORITIES LEARNED THEREIN Scattered about in various holes and corners of the Temple are certain dark and dirty chambers in and out of which all the morning in vacation and half the evening too in term time there may be seen constantly hurrying with bundles of papers under their arms and protruding from their pockets an almost uninterrupted succession of lawyers clerks There are several grades of lawyers clerks There is the articled clerk who has paid a premium and is an attorney in perspective who runs a tailors bill receives invitations to parties knows a family in Gower Street and another in Tavistock Square who goes out of town every long vacation to see his father who keeps live horses innumerable and who is in short the very aristocrat of clerks There is the salaried clerkout of door or in door as the case may bewho devotes the major part of his thirty shillings a week to his Personal pleasure and adornments repairs halfprice to the Adelphi Theatre at least three times a week dissipates majestically at the cider cellars afterwards and is a dirty caricature of the fashion which expired six months ago There is the middleaged copying clerk with a large family who is always shabby and often drunk And there are the office lads in their first surtouts who feel a befitting contempt for boys at dayschools club as they go home at night for saveloys and porter and think theres nothing like life There are varieties of the genus too numerous to recapitulate but however numerous they may be they are all to be seen at certain regulated business hours hurrying to and from the places we have just mentioned These sequestered nooks are the public offices of the legal profession where writs are issued judgments signed declarations filed and numerous other ingenious machines put in motion for the torture and torment of His Majestys liege subjects and the comfort and emolument of the practitioners of the law They are for the most part low roofed mouldy rooms where innumerable rolls of parchment which have been perspiring in secret for the last century send forth an agreeable odour which is mingled by day with the scent of the dryrot and by night with the various exhalations which arise from damp cloaks festering umbrellas and the coarsest tallow candles About halfpast seven oclock in the evening some ten days or a fortnight after Mr Pickwick and his friends returned to London there hurried into one of these offices an individual in a brown coat and brass buttons whose long hair was scrupulously twisted round the rim of his napless hat and whose soiled drab trousers were so tightly strapped over his Blucher boots that his knees threatened every moment to start from their concealment He produced from his coat pockets a long and narrow strip of parchment on which the presiding functionary impressed an illegible black stamp He then drew forth four scraps of paper of similar dimensions each containing a printed copy of the strip of parchment with blanks for a name and having filled up the blanks put all the five documents in his pocket and hurried away The man in the brown coat with the cabalistic documents in his pocket was no other than our old acquaintance Mr Jackson of the house of Dodson Fogg Freemans Court Cornhill Instead of returning to the office whence he came however he bent his steps direct to Sun Court and walking straight into the George and Vulture demanded to know whether one Mr Pickwick was within Call Mr Pickwicks servant Tom said the barmaid of the George and Vulture Dont trouble yourself said Mr Jackson Ive come on business If youll show me Mr Pickwicks room Ill step up myself What name Sir said the waiter Jackson replied the clerk The waiter stepped upstairs to announce Mr Jackson but Mr Jackson saved him the trouble by following close at his heels and walking into the apartment before he could articulate a syllable Mr Pickwick had that day invited his three friends to dinner they were all seated round the fire drinking their wine when Mr Jackson presented himself as above described How de do sir said Mr Jackson nodding to Mr Pickwick That gentleman bowed and looked somewhat surprised for the physiognomy of Mr Jackson dwelt not in his recollection I have called from Dodson and Foggs said Mr Jackson in an explanatory tone Mr Pickwick roused at the name I refer you to my attorney Sir Mr Perker of Grays Inn said he Waiter show this gentleman out Beg your pardon Mr Pickwick said Jackson deliberately depositing his hat on the floor and drawing from his pocket the strip of parchment But personal service by clerk or agent in these cases you know Mr Pickwicknothing like caution sir in all legal formseh Here Mr Jackson cast his eye on the parchment and resting his hands on the table and looking round with a winning and persuasive smile said Now come dont lets have no words about such a little matter as this Which of you gentlemens names Snodgrass At this inquiry Mr Snodgrass gave such a very undisguised and palpable start that no further reply was needed Ah I thought so said Mr Jackson more affably than before Ive a little something to trouble you with Sir Meexclaimed Mr Snodgrass Its only a subpoena in Bardell and Pickwick on behalf of the plaintiff replied Jackson singling out one of the slips of paper and producing a shilling from his waistcoat pocket Itll come on in the settens after Term fourteenth of Febooary we expect weve marked it a special jury cause and its only ten down the paper Thats yours Mr Snodgrass As Jackson said this he presented the parchment before the eyes of Mr Snodgrass and slipped the paper and the shilling into his hand Mr Tupman had witnessed this process in silent astonishment when Jackson turning sharply upon him said I think I aint mistaken when I say your names Tupman am I Mr Tupman looked at Mr Pickwick but perceiving no encouragement in that gentlemans widelyopened eyes to deny his name said Yes my name is Tupman Sir And that other gentlemans Mr Winkle I think said Jackson Mr Winkle faltered out a reply in the affirmative and both gentlemen were forthwith invested with a slip of paper and a shilling each by the dexterous Mr Jackson Now said Jackson Im afraid youll think me rather troublesome but I want somebody else if it aint inconvenient I have Samuel Wellers name here Mr Pickwick Send my servant here waiter said Mr Pickwick The waiter retired considerably astonished and Mr Pickwick motioned Jackson to a seat There was a painful pause which was at length broken by the innocent defendant I suppose Sir said Mr Pickwick his indignation rising while he spokeI suppose Sir that it is the intention of your employers to seek to criminate me upon the testimony of my own friends Mr Jackson struck his forefinger several times against the left side of his nose to intimate that he was not there to disclose the secrets of the prison house and playfully rejoined Not knowin cant say For what other reason Sir pursued Mr Pickwick are these subpoenas served upon them if not for this Very good plant Mr Pickwick replied Jackson slowly shaking his head But it wont do No harm in trying but theres little to be got out of me Here Mr Jackson smiled once more upon the company and applying his left thumb to the tip of his nose worked a visionary coffeemill with his right hand thereby performing a very graceful piece of pantomime then much in vogue but now unhappily almost obsolete which was familiarly denominated taking a grinder No no Mr Pickwick said Jackson in conclusion Perkers people must guess what weve served these subpoenas for If they cant they must wait till the action comes on and then theyll find out Mr Pickwick bestowed a look of excessive disgust on his unwelcome visitor and would probably have hurled some tremendous anathema at the heads of Messrs Dodson Fogg had not Sams entrance at the instant interrupted him Samuel Weller said Mr Jackson inquiringly Vun o the truest things as youve said for many a long year replied Sam in a most composed manner Heres a subpoena for you Mr Weller said Jackson Whats that in English inquired Sam Heres the original said Jackson declining the required explanation Which said Sam This replied Jackson shaking the parchment Oh thats the rignal is it said Sam Well Im wery glad Ive seen the rignal cos its a gratifyin sort o thing and eases vuns mind so much And heres the shilling said Jackson Its from Dodson and Foggs And its uncommon handsome o Dodson and Fogg as knows so little of me to come down vith a present said Sam I feel it as a wery high compliment sir its a wery honorable thing to them as they knows how to reward merit werever they meets it Besides which its affectin to ones feelins As Mr Weller said this he inflicted a little friction on his right eyelid with the sleeve of his coat after the most approved manner of actors when they are in domestic pathetics Mr Jackson seemed rather puzzled by Sams proceedings but as he had served the subpoenas and had nothing more to say he made a feint of putting on the one glove which he usually carried in his hand for the sake of appearances and returned to the office to report progress Mr Pickwick slept little that night his memory had received a very disagreeable refresher on the subject of Mrs Bardells action He breakfasted betimes next morning and desiring Sam to accompany him set forth towards Grays Inn Square Sam said Mr Pickwick looking round when they got to the end of Cheapside Sir said Sam stepping up to his master Which way Up Newgate Street Mr Pickwick did not turn round immediately but looked vacantly in Sams face for a few seconds and heaved a deep sigh Whats the matter sir inquired Sam This action Sam said Mr Pickwick is expected to come on on the fourteenth of next month Remarkable coincidence that ere sir replied Sam Why remarkable Sam inquired Mr Pickwick Walentines day sir responded Sam reglar good day for a breach o promise trial Mr Wellers smile awakened no gleam of mirth in his masters countenance Mr Pickwick turned abruptly round and led the way in silence They had walked some distance Mr Pickwick trotting on before plunged in profound meditation and Sam following behind with a countenance expressive of the most enviable and easy defiance of everything and everybody when the latter who was always especially anxious to impart to his master any exclusive information he possessed quickened his pace until he was close at Mr Pickwicks heels and pointing up at a house they were passing said Wery nice porkshop that ere sir Yes it seems so said Mr Pickwick Celebrated sassage factory said Sam Is it said Mr Pickwick Is it reiterated Sam with some indignation I should rayther think it was Why sir bless your innocent eyebrows thats where the mysterious disappearance of a spectable tradesman took place four years ago You dont mean to say he was burked Sam said Mr Pickwick looking hastily round No I dont indeed sir replied Mr Weller I wish I did far worse than that He was the master o that ere shop sir and the inwentor o the patentneverleavinoff sassage steamingin as ud swaller up a pavin stone if you put it too near and grind it into sassages as easy as if it was a tender young babby Wery proud o that machine he was as it was natral he should be and hed stand down in the celler alookin at it wen it was in full play till he got quite melancholy with joy A wery happy man hed ha been Sir in the procession o that ere ingin and two more lovely hinfants besides if it hadnt been for his wife who was a most owdacious wixin She was always afollerin him about and dinnin in his ears till at last he couldnt stand it no longer Ill tell you what it is my dear he says one day if you persewere in this here sort of amusement he says Im blessed if I dont go away to Merriker and thats all about it Youre a idle willin says she and I wish the Merrikins joy of their bargain Arter which she keeps on abusin of him for half an hour and then runs into the little parlour behind the shop sets to ascreamin says hell be the death on her and falls in a fit which lasts for three good hoursone o them fits wich is all screamin and kickin Well next mornin the husband was missin He hadnt taken nothin from the tillhadnt even put on his greatcoatso it was quite clear he warnt gone to Merriker Didnt come back next day didnt come back next week missis had bills printed sayin that if hed come back he should be forgiven everythin which was very liberal seein that he hadnt done nothin at all the canals was dragged and for two months arterwards wenever a body turned up it was carried as a reglar thing straight off to the sassage shop Howsever none on em answered so they gave out that hed run away and she kep on the bisness One Saturday night a little thin old genlmn comes into the shop in a great passion and says Are you the missis o this here shop Yes I am says she Well maam says he then Ive just looked in to say that me and my family aint agoin to be choked for nothin and more than that maam he says youll allow me to observe that as you dont use the primest parts of the meat in the manafacter o sassages Id think youd find beef come nearly as cheap as buttons As buttons Sir says she Buttons maam says the little old gentleman unfolding a bit of paper and showin twenty or thirty halves o buttons Nice seasonin for sassages is trousers buttons maam Theyre my husbands buttons says the widder beginnin to faint What screams the little old genlmn turnin wery pale I see it all says the widder in a fit of temporary insanity he rashly converted hisself into sassages And so he had Sir said Mr Weller looking steadily into Mr Pickwicks horrorstricken countenance or else hed been drawd into the ingin but however that might ha been the little old genlmn who had been remarkably partial to sassages all his life rushed out o the shop in a wild state and was never heerd on arterwards The relation of this affecting incident of private life brought master and man to Mr Perkers chambers Lowten holding the door half open was in conversation with a rustilyclad miserablelooking man in boots without toes and gloves without fingers There were traces of privation and sufferingalmost of despairin his lank and careworn countenance he felt his poverty for he shrank to the dark side of the staircase as Mr Pickwick approached Its very unfortunate said the stranger with a sigh Very said Lowten scribbling his name on the doorpost with his pen and rubbing it out again with the feather Will you leave a message for him When do you think hell be back inquired the stranger Quite uncertain replied Lowten winking at Mr Pickwick as the stranger cast his eyes towards the ground You dont think it would be of any use my waiting for him said the stranger looking wistfully into the office Oh no Im sure it wouldnt replied the clerk moving a little more into the centre of the doorway Hes certain not to be back this week and its a chance whether he will be next for when Perker once gets out of town hes never in a hurry to come back again Out of town said Mr Pickwick dear me how unfortunate Dont go away Mr Pickwick said Lowten Ive got a letter for you The stranger seeming to hesitate once more looked towards the ground and the clerk winked slyly at Mr Pickwick as if to intimate that some exquisite piece of humour was going forward though what it was Mr Pickwick could not for the life of him divine Step in Mr Pickwick said Lowten Well will you leave a message Mr Watty or will you call again Ask him to be so kind as to leave out word what has been done in my business said the man for Gods sake dont neglect it Mr Lowten No no I wont forget it replied the clerk Walk in Mr Pickwick Goodmorning Mr Watty its a fine day for walking isnt it Seeing that the stranger still lingered he beckoned Sam Weller to follow his master in and shut the door in his face There never was such a pestering bankrupt as that since the world began I do believe said Lowten throwing down his pen with the air of an injured man His affairs havent been in Chancery quite four years yet and Im dd if he dont come worrying here twice a week Step this way Mr Pickwick Perker is in and hell see you I know Devilish cold he added pettishly standing at that door wasting ones time with such seedy vagabonds Having very vehemently stirred a particularly large fire with a particularly small poker the clerk led the way to his principals private room and announced Mr Pickwick Ah my dear Sir said little Mr Perker bustling up from his chair Well my dear sir and whats the news about your matter eh Anything more about our friends in Freemans Court Theyve not been sleeping I know that Ah theyre very smart fellows very smart indeed As the little man concluded he took an emphatic pinch of snuff as a tribute to the smartness of Messrs Dodson and Fogg They are great scoundrels said Mr Pickwick Aye aye said the little man thats a matter of opinion you know and we wont dispute about terms because of course you cant be expected to view these subjects with a professional eye Well weve done everything thats necessary I have retained Serjeant Snubbin Is he a good man inquired Mr Pickwick Good man replied Perker bless your heart and soul my dear Sir Serjeant Snubbin is at the very top of his profession Gets treble the business of any man in courtengaged in every case You neednt mention it abroad but we saywe of the professionthat Serjeant Snubbin leads the court by the nose The little man took another pinch of snuff as he made this communication and nodded mysteriously to Mr Pickwick They have subpoenaed my three friends said Mr Pickwick Ah of course they would replied Perker Important witnesses saw you in a delicate situation But she fainted of her own accord said Mr Pickwick She threw herself into my arms Very likely my dear Sir replied Perker very likely and very natural Nothing more so my dear Sir nothing But whos to prove it They have subpoenaed my servant too said Mr Pickwick quitting the other point for there Mr Perkers question had somewhat staggered him Sam said Perker Mr Pickwick replied in the affirmative Of course my dear Sir of course I knew they would I could have told you that a month ago You know my dear Sir if you will take the management of your affairs into your own hands after entrusting them to your solicitor you must also take the consequences Here Mr Perker drew himself up with conscious dignity and brushed some stray grains of snuff from his shirt frill And what do they want him to prove asked Mr Pickwick after two or three minutes silence That you sent him up to the plaintiff s to make some offer of a compromise I suppose replied Perker It dont matter much though I dont think many counsel could get a great deal out of him I dont think they could said Mr Pickwick smiling despite his vexation at the idea of Sams appearance as a witness What course do we pursue We have only one to adopt my dear Sir replied Perker crossexamine the witnesses trust to Snubbins eloquence throw dust in the eyes of the judge throw ourselves on the jury And suppose the verdict is against me said Mr Pickwick Mr Perker smiled took a very long pinch of snuff stirred the fire shrugged his shoulders and remained expressively silent You mean that in that case I must pay the damages said Mr Pickwick who had watched this telegraphic answer with considerable sternness Perker gave the fire another very unnecessary poke and said I am afraid so Then I beg to announce to you my unalterable determination to pay no damages whatever said Mr Pickwick most emphatically None Perker Not a pound not a penny of my money shall find its way into the pockets of Dodson and Fogg That is my deliberate and irrevocable determination Mr Pickwick gave a heavy blow on the table before him in confirmation of the irrevocability of his intention Very well my dear Sir very well said Perker You know best of course Of course replied Mr Pickwick hastily Where does Serjeant Snubbin live In Lincolns Inn Old Square replied Perker I should like to see him said Mr Pickwick See Serjeant Snubbin my dear Sir rejoined Perker in utter amazement Pooh pooh my dear Sir impossible See Serjeant Snubbin Bless you my dear Sir such a thing was never heard of without a consultation fee being previously paid and a consultation fixed It couldnt be done my dear Sir it couldnt be done Mr Pickwick however had made up his mind not only that it could be done but that it should be done and the consequence was that within ten minutes after he had received the assurance that the thing was impossible he was conducted by his solicitor into the outer office of the great Serjeant Snubbin himself It was an uncarpeted room of tolerable dimensions with a large writing table drawn up near the fire the baize top of which had long since lost all claim to its original hue of green and had gradually grown gray with dust and age except where all traces of its natural colour were obliterated by inkstains Upon the table were numerous little bundles of papers tied with red tape and behind it sat an elderly clerk whose sleek appearance and heavy gold watchchain presented imposing indications of the extensive and lucrative practice of Mr Serjeant Snubbin Is the Serjeant in his room Mr Mallard inquired Perker offering his box with all imaginable courtesy Yes he is was the reply but hes very busy Look here not an opinion given yet on any one of these cases and an expedition fee paid with all of em The clerk smiled as he said this and inhaled the pinch of snuff with a zest which seemed to be compounded of a fondness for snuff and a relish for fees Something like practice that said Perker Yes said the barristers clerk producing his own box and offering it with the greatest cordiality and the best of it is that as nobody alive except myself can read the serjeants writing they are obliged to wait for the opinions when he has given them till I have copied em hahaha Which makes good for we know who besides the serjeant and draws a little more out of the clients eh said Perker Ha ha ha At this the serjeants clerk laughed againnot a noisy boisterous laugh but a silent internal chuckle which Mr Pickwick disliked to hear When a man bleeds inwardly it is a dangerous thing for himself but when he laughs inwardly it bodes no good to other people You havent made me out that little list of the fees that Im in your debt have you said Perker No I have not replied the clerk I wish you would said Perker Let me have them and Ill send you a cheque But I suppose youre too busy pocketing the ready money to think of the debtors eh ha ha ha This sally seemed to tickle the clerk amazingly and he once more enjoyed a little quiet laugh to himself But Mr Mallard my dear friend said Perker suddenly recovering his gravity and drawing the great mans great man into a Corner by the lappel of his coat you must persuade the Serjeant to see me and my client here Come come said the clerk thats not bad either See the Serjeant come thats too absurd Notwithstanding the absurdity of the proposal however the clerk allowed himself to be gently drawn beyond the hearing of Mr Pickwick and after a short conversation conducted in whispers walked softly down a little dark passage and disappeared into the legal luminarys sanctum whence he shortly returned on tiptoe and informed Mr Perker and Mr Pickwick that the Serjeant had been prevailed upon in violation of all established rules and customs to admit them at once Mr Serjeant Snubbins was a lanternfaced sallowcomplexioned man of about fiveandforty oras the novels sayhe might be fifty He had that dulllooking boiled eye which is often to be seen in the heads of people who have applied themselves during many years to a weary and laborious course of study and which would have been sufficient without the additional eyeglass which dangled from a broad black riband round his neck to warn a stranger that he was very nearsighted His hair was thin and weak which was partly attributable to his having never devoted much time to its arrangement and partly to his having worn for five andtwenty years the forensic wig which hung on a block beside him The marks of hairpowder on his coatcollar and the illwashed and worse tied white neckerchief round his throat showed that he had not found leisure since he left the court to make any alteration in his dress while the slovenly style of the remainder of his costume warranted the inference that his personal appearance would not have been very much improved if he had Books of practice heaps of papers and opened letters were scattered over the table without any attempt at order or arrangement the furniture of the room was old and rickety the doors of the bookcase were rotting in their hinges the dust flew out from the carpet in little clouds at every step the blinds were yellow with age and dirt the state of everything in the room showed with a clearness not to be mistaken that Mr Serjeant Snubbin was far too much occupied with his professional pursuits to take any great heed or regard of his personal comforts The Serjeant was writing when his clients entered he bowed abstractedly when Mr Pickwick was introduced by his solicitor and then motioning them to a seat put his pen carefully in the inkstand nursed his left leg and waited to be spoken to Mr Pickwick is the defendant in Bardell and Pickwick Serjeant Snubbin said Perker I am retained in that am I said the Serjeant You are Sir replied Perker The Serjeant nodded his head and waited for something else Mr Pickwick was anxious to call upon you Serjeant Snubbin said Perker to state to you before you entered upon the case that he denies there being any ground or pretence whatever for the action against him and that unless he came into court with clean hands and without the most conscientious conviction that he was right in resisting the plaintiffs demand he would not be there at all I believe I state your views correctly do I not my dear Sir said the little man turning to Mr Pickwick Quite so replied that gentleman Mr Serjeant Snubbin unfolded his glasses raised them to his eyes and after looking at Mr Pickwick for a few seconds with great curiosity turned to Mr Perker and said smiling slightly as he spoke Has Mr Pickwick a strong case The attorney shrugged his shoulders Do you propose calling witnesses No The smile on the Serjeants countenance became more defined he rocked his leg with increased violence and throwing himself back in his easy chair coughed dubiously These tokens of the Serjeants presentiments on the subject slight as they were were not lost on Mr Pickwick He settled the spectacles through which he had attentively regarded such demonstrations of the barristers feelings as he had permitted himself to exhibit more firmly on his nose and said with great energy and in utter disregard of all Mr Perkers admonitory winkings and frownings My wishing to wait upon you for such a purpose as this Sir appears I have no doubt to a gentleman who sees so much of these matters as you must necessarily do a very extraordinary circumstance The Serjeant tried to look gravely at the fire but the smile came back again Gentlemen of your profession Sir continued Mr Pickwick see the worst side of human nature All its disputes all its illwill and bad blood rise up before you You know from your experience of juries I mean no disparagement to you or them how much depends upon effect and you are apt to attribute to others a desire to use for purposes of deception and selfinterest the very instruments which you in pure honesty and honour of purpose and with a laudable desire to do your utmost for your client know the temper and worth of so well from constantly employing them yourselves I really believe that to this circumstance may be attributed the vulgar but very general notion of your being as a body suspicious distrustful and overcautious Conscious as I am sir of the disadvantage of making such a declaration to you under such circumstances I have come here because I wish you distinctly to understand as my friend Mr Perker has said that I am innocent of the falsehood laid to my charge and although I am very well aware of the inestimable value of your assistance Sir I must beg to add that unless you sincerely believe this I would rather be deprived of the aid of your talents than have the advantage of them Long before the close of this address which we are bound to say was of a very prosy character for Mr Pickwick the Serjeant had relapsed into a state of abstraction After some minutes however during which he had reassumed his pen he appeared to be again aware of the presence of his clients raising his head from the paper he said rather snappishly Who is with me in this case Mr Phunky Serjeant Snubbin replied the attorney PhunkyPhunky said the Serjeant I never heard the name before He must be a very young man Yes he is a very young man replied the attorney He was only called the other day Let me seehe has not been at the Bar eight years yet Ah I thought not said the Serjeant in that sort of pitying tone in which ordinary folks would speak of a very helpless little child Mr Mallard send round to MrMr PhunkysHolborn Court Grays Inn interposed Perker Holborn Court by the bye is South Square nowMr Phunky and say I should be glad if hed step here a moment Mr Mallard departed to execute his commission and Serjeant Snubbin relapsed into abstraction until Mr Phunky himself was introduced Although an infant barrister he was a fullgrown man He had a very nervous manner and a painful hesitation in his speech it did not appear to be a natural defect but seemed rather the result of timidity arising from the consciousness of being kept down by want of means or interest or connection or impudence as the case might be He was overawed by the Serjeant and profoundly courteous to the attorney I have not had the pleasure of seeing you before Mr Phunky said Serjeant Snubbin with haughty condescension Mr Phunky bowed He had had the pleasure of seeing the Serjeant and of envying him too with all a poor mans envy for eight years and a quarter You are with me in this case I understand said the Serjeant If Mr Phunky had been a rich man he would have instantly sent for his clerk to remind him if he had been a wise one he would have applied his forefinger to his forehead and endeavoured to recollect whether in the multiplicity of his engagements he had undertaken this one or not but as he was neither rich nor wise in this sense at all events he turned red and bowed Have you read the papers Mr Phunky inquired the Serjeant Here again Mr Phunky should have professed to have forgotten all about the merits of the case but as he had read such papers as had been laid before him in the course of the action and had thought of nothing else waking or sleeping throughout the two months during which he had been retained as Mr Serjeant Snubbins junior he turned a deeper red and bowed again This is Mr Pickwick said the Serjeant waving his pen in the direction in which that gentleman was standing Mr Phunky bowed to Mr Pickwick with a reverence which a first client must ever awaken and again inclined his head towards his leader Perhaps you will take Mr Pickwick away said the Serjeant andand andhear anything Mr Pickwick may wish to communicate We shall have a consultation of course With that hint that he had been interrupted quite long enough Mr Serjeant Snubbin who had been gradually growing more and more abstracted applied his glass to his eyes for an instant bowed slightly round and was once more deeply immersed in the case before him which arose out of an interminable lawsuit originating in the act of an individual deceased a century or so ago who had stopped up a pathway leading from some place which nobody ever came from to some other place which nobody ever went to Mr Phunky would not hear of passing through any door until Mr Pickwick and his solicitor had passed through before him so it was some time before they got into the Square and when they did reach it they walked up and down and held a long conference the result of which was that it was a very difficult matter to say how the verdict would go that nobody could presume to calculate on the issue of an action that it was very lucky they had prevented the other party from getting Serjeant Snubbin and other topics of doubt and consolation common in such a position of affairs Mr Weller was then roused by his master from a sweet sleep of an hours duration and bidding adieu to Lowten they returned to the city CHAPTER XXXII DESCRIBES FAR MORE FULLY THAN THE COURT NEWSMAN EVER DID A BACHELORS PARTY GIVEN BY MR BOB SAWYER AT HIS LODGINGS IN THE BOROUGH There is a repose about Lant Street in the Borough which sheds a gentle melancholy upon the soul There are always a good many houses to let in the street it is a bystreet too and its dulness is soothing A house in Lant Street would not come within the denomination of a first rate residence in the strict acceptation of the term but it is a most desirable spot nevertheless If a man wished to abstract himself from the worldto remove himself from within the reach of temptationto place himself beyond the possibility of any inducement to look out of the windowwe should recommend him by all means go to Lant Street In this happy retreat are colonised a few clearstarchers a sprinkling of journeymen bookbinders one or two prison agents for the Insolvent Court several small housekeepers who are employed in the Docks a handful of mantuamakers and a seasoning of jobbing tailors The majority of the inhabitants either direct their energies to the letting of furnished apartments or devote themselves to the healthful and invigorating pursuit of mangling The chief features in the still life of the street are green shutters lodgingbills brass doorplates and bellhandles the principal specimens of animated nature the potboy the muffin youth and the bakedpotato man The population is migratory usually disappearing on the verge of quarterday and generally by night His Majestys revenues are seldom collected in this happy valley the rents are dubious and the water communication is very frequently cut off Mr Bob Sawyer embellished one side of the fire in his firstfloor front early on the evening for which he had invited Mr Pickwick and Mr Ben Allen the other The preparations for the reception of visitors appeared to be completed The umbrellas in the passage had been heaped into the little corner outside the backparlour door the bonnet and shawl of the landladys servant had been removed from the bannisters there were not more than two pairs of pattens on the streetdoor mat and a kitchen candle with a very long snuff burned cheerfully on the ledge of the staircase window Mr Bob Sawyer had himself purchased the spirits at a wine vaults in High Street and had returned home preceding the bearer thereof to preclude the possibility of their delivery at the wrong house The punch was readymade in a red pan in the bedroom a little table covered with a green baize cloth had been borrowed from the parlour to play at cards on and the glasses of the establishment together with those which had been borrowed for the occasion from the publichouse were all drawn up in a tray which was deposited on the landing outside the door Notwithstanding the highly satisfactory nature of all these arrangements there was a cloud on the countenance of Mr Bob Sawyer as he sat by the fireside There was a sympathising expression too in the features of Mr Ben Allen as he gazed intently on the coals and a tone of melancholy in his voice as he said after a long silence Well it is unlucky she should have taken it in her head to turn sour just on this occasion She might at least have waited till tomorrow Thats her malevolencethats her malevolence returned Mr Bob Sawyer vehemently She says that if I can afford to give a party I ought to be able to pay her confounded little bill How long has it been running inquired Mr Ben Allen A bill by the bye is the most extraordinary locomotive engine that the genius of man ever produced It would keep on running during the longest lifetime without ever once stopping of its own accord Only a quarter and a month or so replied Mr Bob Sawyer Ben Allen coughed hopelessly and directed a searching look between the two top bars of the stove Itll be a deuced unpleasant thing if she takes it into her head to let out when those fellows are here wont it said Mr Ben Allen at length Horrible replied Bob Sawyer horrible A low tap was heard at the room door Mr Bob Sawyer looked expressively at his friend and bade the tapper come in whereupon a dirty slipshod girl in black cotton stockings who might have passed for the neglected daughter of a superannuated dustman in very reduced circumstances thrust in her head and said Please Mister Sawyer Missis Raddle wants to speak to you Before Mr Bob Sawyer could return any answer the girl suddenly disappeared with a jerk as if somebody had given her a violent pull behind this mysterious exit was no sooner accomplished than there was another tap at the doora smart pointed tap which seemed to say Here I am and in Im coming Mr Bob Sawyer glanced at his friend with a look of abject apprehension and once more cried Come in The permission was not at all necessary for before Mr Bob Sawyer had uttered the words a little fierce woman bounced into the room all in a tremble with passion and pale with rage Now Mr Sawyer said the little fierce woman trying to appear very calm if youll have the kindness to settle that little bill of mine Ill thank you because Ive got my rent to pay this afternoon and my landlords awaiting below now Here the little woman rubbed her hands and looked steadily over Mr Bob Sawyers head at the wall behind him I am very sorry to put you to any inconvenience Mrs Raddle said Bob Sawyer deferentially but Oh it isnt any inconvenience replied the little woman with a shrill titter I didnt want it particular before today leastways as it has to go to my landlord directly it was as well for you to keep it as me You promised me this afternoon Mr Sawyer and every gentleman as has ever lived here has kept his word Sir as of course anybody as calls himself a gentleman does Mrs Raddle tossed her head bit her lips rubbed her hands harder and looked at the wall more steadily than ever It was plain to see as Mr Bob Sawyer remarked in a style of Eastern allegory on a subsequent occasion that she was getting the steam up I am very sorry Mrs Raddle said Bob Sawyer with all imaginable humility but the fact is that I have been disappointed in the City todayExtraordinary place that City An astonishing number of men always are getting disappointed there Well Mr Sawyer said Mrs Raddle planting herself firmly on a purple cauliflower in the Kidderminster carpet and whats that to me Sir IIhave no doubt Mrs Raddle said Bob Sawyer blinking this last question that before the middle of next week we shall be able to set ourselves quite square and go on on a better system afterwards This was all Mrs Raddle wanted She had bustled up to the apartment of the unlucky Bob Sawyer so bent upon going into a passion that in all probability payment would have rather disappointed her than otherwise She was in excellent order for a little relaxation of the kind having just exchanged a few introductory compliments with Mr R in the front kitchen Do you suppose Mr Sawyer said Mrs Raddle elevating her voice for the information of the neighboursdo you suppose that Im agoing day after day to let a fellar occupy my lodgings as never thinks of paying his rent nor even the very money laid out for the fresh butter and lump sugar thats bought for his breakfast and the very milk thats took in at the street door Do you suppose a hardworking and industrious woman as has lived in this street for twenty year ten year over the way and nine year and threequarters in this very house has nothing else to do but to work herself to death after a parcel of lazy idle fellars that are always smoking and drinking and lounging when they ought to be glad to turn their hands to anything that would help em to pay their bills Do you My good soul interposed Mr Benjamin Allen soothingly Have the goodness to keep your observashuns to yourself Sir I beg said Mrs Raddle suddenly arresting the rapid torrent of her speech and addressing the third party with impressive slowness and solemnity I am not aweer Sir that you have any right to address your conversation to me I dont think I let these apartments to you Sir No you certainly did not said Mr Benjamin Allen Very good Sir responded Mrs Raddle with lofty politeness Then praps Sir youll confine yourself to breaking the arms and legs of the poor people in the hospitals and keep yourself to yourself Sir or there may be some persons here as will make you Sir But you are such an unreasonable woman remonstrated Mr Benjamin Allen I beg your parding young man said Mrs Raddle in a cold perspiration of anger But will you have the goodness just to call me that again sir I didnt make use of the word in any invidious sense maam replied Mr Benjamin Allen growing somewhat uneasy on his own account I beg your parding young man demanded Mrs Raddle in a louder and more imperative tone But who do you call a woman Did you make that remark to me sir Why bless my heart said Mr Benjamin Allen Did you apply that name to me I ask of you sir interrupted Mrs Raddle with intense fierceness throwing the door wide open Why of course I did replied Mr Benjamin Allen Yes of course you did said Mrs Raddle backing gradually to the door and raising her voice to its loudest pitch for the special behoof of Mr Raddle in the kitchen Yes of course you did And everybody knows that they may safely insult me in my own ouse while my husband sits sleeping downstairs and taking no more notice than if I was a dog in the streets He ought to be ashamed of himself here Mrs Raddle sobbed to allow his wife to be treated in this way by a parcel of young cutters and carvers of live peoples bodies that disgraces the lodgings another sob and leaving her exposed to all manner of abuse a base fainthearted timorous wretch thats afraid to come upstairs and face the ruffinly creaturesthats afraidthats afraid to come Mrs Raddle paused to listen whether the repetition of the taunt had roused her better half and finding that it had not been successful proceeded to descend the stairs with sobs innumerable when there came a loud double knock at the street door whereupon she burst into an hysterical fit of weeping accompanied with dismal moans which was prolonged until the knock had been repeated six times when in an uncontrollable burst of mental agony she threw down all the umbrellas and disappeared into the back parlour closing the door after her with an awful crash Does Mr Sawyer live here said Mr Pickwick when the door was opened Yes said the girl first floor Its the door straight afore you when you gets to the top of the stairs Having given this instruction the handmaid who had been brought up among the aboriginal inhabitants of Southwark disappeared with the candle in her hand down the kitchen stairs perfectly satisfied that she had done everything that could possibly be required of her under the circumstances Mr Snodgrass who entered last secured the street door after several ineffectual efforts by putting up the chain and the friends stumbled upstairs where they were received by Mr Bob Sawyer who had been afraid to go down lest he should be waylaid by Mrs Raddle How are you said the discomfited student Glad to see youtake care of the glasses This caution was addressed to Mr Pickwick who had put his hat in the tray Dear me said Mr Pickwick I beg your pardon Dont mention it dont mention it said Bob Sawyer Im rather confined for room here but you must put up with all that when you come to see a young bachelor Walk in Youve seen this gentleman before I think Mr Pickwick shook hands with Mr Benjamin Allen and his friends followed his example They had scarcely taken their seats when there was another double knock I hope thats Jack Hopkins said Mr Bob Sawyer Hush Yes it is Come up Jack come up A heavy footstep was heard upon the stairs and Jack Hopkins presented himself He wore a black velvet waistcoat with thunderandlightning buttons and a blue striped shirt with a white false collar Youre late Jack said Mr Benjamin Allen Been detained at Bartholomews replied Hopkins Anything new No nothing particular Rather a good accident brought into the casualty ward What was that sir inquired Mr Pickwick Only a man fallen out of a four pair of stairs window but its a very fair case indeed Do you mean that the patient is in a fair way to recover inquired Mr Pickwick No replied Mr Hopkins carelessly No I should rather say he wouldnt There must be a splendid operation though tomorrow magnificent sight if Slasher does it You consider Mr Slasher a good operator said Mr Pickwick Best alive replied Hopkins Took a boys leg out of the socket last weekboy ate five apples and a gingerbread cakeexactly two minutes after it was all over boy said he wouldnt lie there to be made game of and hed tell his mother if they didnt begin Dear me said Mr Pickwick astonished Pooh Thats nothing that aint said Jack Hopkins Is it Bob Nothing at all replied Mr Bob Sawyer By the bye Bob said Hopkins with a scarcely perceptible glance at Mr Pickwicks attentive face we had a curious accident last night A child was brought in who had swallowed a necklace Swallowed what Sir interrupted Mr Pickwick A necklace replied Jack Hopkins Not all at once you know that would be too muchyou couldnt swallow that if the child dideh Mr Pickwick ha ha Mr Hopkins appeared highly gratified with his own pleasantry and continuedNo the way was this Childs parents were poor people who lived in a court Childs eldest sister bought a necklacecommon necklace made of large black wooden beads Child being fond of toys cribbed the necklace hid it played with it cut the string and swallowed a bead Child thought it capital fun went back next day and swallowed another bead Bless my heart said Mr Pickwick what a dreadful thing I beg your pardon Sir Go on Next day child swallowed two beads the day after that he treated himself to three and so on till in a weeks time he had got through the necklacefiveandtwenty beads in all The sister who was an industrious girl and seldom treated herself to a bit of finery cried her eyes out at the loss of the necklace looked high and low for it but I neednt say didnt find it A few days afterwards the family were at dinnerbaked shoulder of mutton and potatoes under itthe child who wasnt hungry was playing about the room when suddenly there was heard a devil of a noise like a small hailstorm Dont do that my boy said the father I aint adoin nothing said the child Well dont do it again said the father There was a short silence and then the noise began again worse than ever If you dont mind what I say my boy said the father youll find yourself in bed in something less than a pigs whisper He gave the child a shake to make him obedient and such a rattling ensued as nobody ever heard before Why damme its in the child said the father hes got the croup in the wrong place No I havent father said the child beginning to cry its the necklace I swallowed it fatherThe father caught the child up and ran with him to the hospital the beads in the boys stomach rattling all the way with the jolting and the people looking up in the air and down in the cellars to see where the unusual sound came from Hes in the hospital now said Jack Hopkins and he makes such a devil of a noise when he walks about that theyre obliged to muffle him in a watchmans coat for fear he should wake the patients Thats the most extraordinary case I ever heard of said Mr Pickwick with an emphatic blow on the table Oh thats nothing said Jack Hopkins Is it Bob Certainly not replied Bob Sawyer Very singular things occur in our profession I can assure you Sir said Hopkins So I should be disposed to imagine replied Mr Pickwick Another knock at the door announced a largeheaded young man in a black wig who brought with him a scorbutic youth in a long stock The next comer was a gentleman in a shirt emblazoned with pink anchors who was closely followed by a pale youth with a plated watchguard The arrival of a prim personage in clean linen and cloth boots rendered the party complete The little table with the green baize cover was wheeled out the first instalment of punch was brought in in a white jug and the succeeding three hours were devoted to Vingtetun at sixpence a dozen which was only once interrupted by a slight dispute between the scorbutic youth and the gentleman with the pink anchors in the course of which the scorbutic youth intimated a burning desire to pull the nose of the gentleman with the emblems of hope in reply to which that individual expressed his decided unwillingness to accept of any sauce on gratuitous terms either from the irascible young gentleman with the scorbutic countenance or any other person who was ornamented with a head When the last natural had been declared and the profit and loss account of fish and sixpences adjusted to the satisfaction of all parties Mr Bob Sawyer rang for supper and the visitors squeezed themselves into corners while it was getting ready It was not so easily got ready as some people may imagine First of all it was necessary to awaken the girl who had fallen asleep with her face on the kitchen table this took a little time and even when she did answer the bell another quarter of an hour was consumed in fruitless endeavours to impart to her a faint and distant glimmering of reason The man to whom the order for the oysters had been sent had not been told to open them it is a very difficult thing to open an oyster with a limp knife and a twopronged fork and very little was done in this way Very little of the beef was done either and the ham which was also from the Germansausage shop round the corner was in a similar predicament However there was plenty of porter in a tin can and the cheese went a great way for it was very strong So upon the whole perhaps the supper was quite as good as such matters usually are After supper another jug of punch was put upon the table together with a paper of cigars and a couple of bottles of spirits Then there was an awful pause and this awful pause was occasioned by a very common occurrence in this sort of place but a very embarrassing one notwithstanding The fact is the girl was washing the glasses The establishment boasted four we do not record the circumstance as at all derogatory to Mrs Raddle for there never was a lodginghouse yet that was not short of glasses The landladys glasses were little thin blownglass tumblers and those which had been borrowed from the publichouse were great dropsical bloated articles each supported on a huge gouty leg This would have been in itself sufficient to have possessed the company with the real state of affairs but the young woman of all work had prevented the possibility of any misconception arising in the mind of any gentleman upon the subject by forcibly dragging every mans glass away long before he had finished his beer and audibly stating despite the winks and interruptions of Mr Bob Sawyer that it was to be conveyed downstairs and washed forthwith It is a very ill wind that blows nobody any good The prim man in the cloth boots who had been unsuccessfully attempting to make a joke during the whole time the round game lasted saw his opportunity and availed himself of it The instant the glasses disappeared he commenced a long story about a great public character whose name he had forgotten making a particularly happy reply to another eminent and illustrious individual whom he had never been able to identify He enlarged at some length and with great minuteness upon divers collateral circumstances distantly connected with the anecdote in hand but for the life of him he couldnt recollect at that precise moment what the anecdote was although he had been in the habit of telling the story with great applause for the last ten years Dear me said the prim man in the cloth boots it is a very extraordinary circumstance I am sorry you have forgotten it said Mr Bob Sawyer glancing eagerly at the door as he thought he heard the noise of glasses jingling very sorry So am I responded the prim man because I know it would have afforded so much amusement Never mind I dare say I shall manage to recollect it in the course of half an hour or so The prim man arrived at this point just as the glasses came back when Mr Bob Sawyer who had been absorbed in attention during the whole time said he should very much like to hear the end of it for so far as it went it was without exception the very best story he had ever heard The sight of the tumblers restored Bob Sawyer to a degree of equanimity which he had not possessed since his interview with his landlady His face brightened up and he began to feel quite convivial Now Betsy said Mr Bob Sawyer with great suavity and dispersing at the same time the tumultuous little mob of glasses the girl had collected in the centre of the tablenow Betsy the warm water be brisk theres a good girl You cant have no warm water replied Betsy No warm water exclaimed Mr Bob Sawyer No said the girl with a shake of the head which expressed a more decided negative than the most copious language could have conveyed Missis Raddle said you warnt to have none The surprise depicted on the countenances of his guests imparted new courage to the host Bring up the warm water instantlyinstantly said Mr Bob Sawyer with desperate sternness No I cant replied the girl Missis Raddle raked out the kitchen fire afore she went to bed and locked up the kittle Oh never mind never mind Pray dont disturb yourself about such a trifle said Mr Pickwick observing the conflict of Bob Sawyers passions as depicted in his countenance cold water will do very well Oh admirably said Mr Benjamin Allen My landlady is subject to some slight attacks of mental derangement remarked Bob Sawyer with a ghastly smile I fear I must give her warning No dont said Ben Allen I fear I must said Bob with heroic firmness Ill pay her what I owe her and give her warning tomorrow morning Poor fellow how devoutly he wished he could Mr Bob Sawyers heartsickening attempts to rally under this last blow communicated a dispiriting influence to the company the greater part of whom with the view of raising their spirits attached themselves with extra cordiality to the cold brandyandwater the first perceptible effects of which were displayed in a renewal of hostilities between the scorbutic youth and the gentleman in the shirt The belligerents vented their feelings of mutual contempt for some time in a variety of frownings and snortings until at last the scorbutic youth felt it necessary to come to a more explicit understanding on the matter when the following clear understanding took place Sawyer said the scorbutic youth in a loud voice Well Noddy replied Mr Bob Sawyer I should be very sorry Sawyer said Mr Noddy to create any unpleasantness at any friends table and much less at yours Sawyer very but I must take this opportunity of informing Mr Gunter that he is no gentleman And I should be very sorry Sawyer to create any disturbance in the street in which you reside said Mr Gunter but Im afraid I shall be under the necessity of alarming the neighbours by throwing the person who has just spoken out o window What do you mean by that sir inquired Mr Noddy What I say Sir replied Mr Gunter I should like to see you do it Sir said Mr Noddy You shall feel me do it in half a minute Sir replied Mr Gunter I request that youll favour me with your card Sir said Mr Noddy Ill do nothing of the kind Sir replied Mr Gunter Why not Sir inquired Mr Noddy Because youll stick it up over your chimneypiece and delude your visitors into the false belief that a gentleman has been to see you Sir replied Mr Gunter Sir a friend of mine shall wait on you in the morning said Mr Noddy Sir Im very much obliged to you for the caution and Ill leave particular directions with the servant to lock up the spoons replied Mr Gunter At this point the remainder of the guests interposed and remonstrated with both parties on the impropriety of their conduct on which Mr Noddy begged to state that his father was quite as respectable as Mr Gunters father to which Mr Gunter replied that his father was to the full as respectable as Mr Noddys father and that his fathers son was as good a man as Mr Noddy any day in the week As this announcement seemed the prelude to a recommencement of the dispute there was another interference on the part of the company and a vast quantity of talking and clamouring ensued in the course of which Mr Noddy gradually allowed his feelings to overpower him and professed that he had ever entertained a devoted personal attachment towards Mr Gunter To this Mr Gunter replied that upon the whole he rather preferred Mr Noddy to his own brother on hearing which admission Mr Noddy magnanimously rose from his seat and proffered his hand to Mr Gunter Mr Gunter grasped it with affecting fervour and everybody said that the whole dispute had been conducted in a manner which was highly honourable to both parties concerned Now said Jack Hopkins just to set us going again Bob I dont mind singing a song And Hopkins incited thereto by tumultuous applause plunged himself at once into The King God bless him which he sang as loud as he could to a novel air compounded of the Bay of Biscay and A Frog he would The chorus was the essence of the song and as each gentleman sang it to the tune he knew best the effect was very striking indeed It was at the end of the chorus to the first verse that Mr Pickwick held up his hand in a listening attitude and said as soon as silence was restored Hush I beg your pardon I thought I heard somebody calling from upstairs A profound silence immediately ensued and Mr Bob Sawyer was observed to turn pale I think I hear it now said Mr Pickwick Have the goodness to open the door The door was no sooner opened than all doubt on the subject was removed Mr Sawyer Mr Sawyer screamed a voice from the twopair landing Its my landlady said Bob Sawyer looking round him with great dismay Yes Mrs Raddle What do you mean by this Mr Sawyer replied the voice with great shrillness and rapidity of utterance Aint it enough to be swindled out of ones rent and money lent out of pocket besides and abused and insulted by your friends that dares to call themselves men without having the house turned out of the window and noise enough made to bring the fireengines here at two oclock in the morningTurn them wretches away You ought to be ashamed of yourselves said the voice of Mr Raddle which appeared to proceed from beneath some distant bedclothes Ashamed of themselves said Mrs Raddle Why dont you go down and knock em every one downstairs You would if you was a man I should if I was a dozen men my dear replied Mr Raddle pacifically but they have the advantage of me in numbers my dear Ugh you coward replied Mrs Raddle with supreme contempt Do you mean to turn them wretches out or not Mr Sawyer Theyre going Mrs Raddle theyre going said the miserable Bob I am afraid youd better go said Mr Bob Sawyer to his friends I thought you were making too much noise Its a very unfortunate thing said the prim man Just as we were getting so comfortable too The prim man was just beginning to have a dawning recollection of the story he had forgotten Its hardly to be borne said the prim man looking round Hardly to be borne is it Not to be endured replied Jack Hopkins lets have the other verse Bob Come here goes No no Jack dont interposed Bob Sawyer its a capital song but I am afraid we had better not have the other verse They are very violent people the people of the house Shall I step upstairs and pitch into the landlord inquired Hopkins or keep on ringing the bell or go and groan on the staircase You may command me Bob I am very much indebted to you for your friendship and goodnature Hopkins said the wretched Mr Bob Sawyer but I think the best plan to avoid any further dispute is for us to break up at once Now Mr Sawyer screamed the shrill voice of Mrs Raddle are them brutes going Theyre only looking for their hats Mrs Raddle said Bob they are going directly Going said Mrs Raddle thrusting her nightcap over the banisters just as Mr Pickwick followed by Mr Tupman emerged from the sitting room Going what did they ever come for My dear maam remonstrated Mr Pickwick looking up Get along with you old wretch replied Mrs Raddle hastily withdrawing the nightcap Old enough to be his grandfather you willin Youre worse than any of em Mr Pickwick found it in vain to protest his innocence so hurried downstairs into the street whither he was closely followed by Mr Tupman Mr Winkle and Mr Snodgrass Mr Ben Allen who was dismally depressed with spirits and agitation accompanied them as far as London Bridge and in the course of the walk confided to Mr Winkle as an especially eligible person to intrust the secret to that he was resolved to cut the throat of any gentleman except Mr Bob Sawyer who should aspire to the affections of his sister Arabella Having expressed his determination to perform this painful duty of a brother with proper firmness he burst into tears knocked his hat over his eyes and making the best of his way back knocked double knocks at the door of the Borough Market office and took short naps on the steps alternately until daybreak under the firm impression that he lived there and had forgotten the key The visitors having all departed in compliance with the rather pressing request of Mrs Raddle the luckless Mr Bob Sawyer was left alone to meditate on the probable events of tomorrow and the pleasures of the evening CHAPTER XXXIII MR WELLER THE ELDER DELIVERS SOME CRITICAL SENTIMENTS RESPECTING LITERARY COMPOSITION AND ASSISTED BY HIS SON SAMUEL PAYS A SMALL INSTALMENT OF RETALIATION TO THE ACCOUNT OF THE REVEREND GENTLEMAN WITH THE RED NOSE The morning of the thirteenth of February which the readers of this authentic narrative know as well as we do to have been the day immediately preceding that which was appointed for the trial of Mrs Bardells action was a busy time for Mr Samuel Weller who was perpetually engaged in travelling from the George and Vulture to Mr Perkers chambers and back again from and between the hours of nine oclock in the morning and two in the afternoon both inclusive Not that there was anything whatever to be done for the consultation had taken place and the course of proceeding to be adopted had been finally determined on but Mr Pickwick being in a most extreme state of excitement persevered in constantly sending small notes to his attorney merely containing the inquiry Dear Perker Is all going on well to which Mr Perker invariably forwarded the reply Dear Pickwick As well as possible the fact being as we have already hinted that there was nothing whatever to go on either well or ill until the sitting of the court on the following morning But people who go voluntarily to law or are taken forcibly there for the first time may be allowed to labour under some temporary irritation and anxiety and Sam with a due allowance for the frailties of human nature obeyed all his masters behests with that imperturbable good humour and unruffable composure which formed one of his most striking and amiable characteristics Sam had solaced himself with a most agreeable little dinner and was waiting at the bar for the glass of warm mixture in which Mr Pickwick had requested him to drown the fatigues of his mornings walks when a young boy of about three feet high or thereabouts in a hairy cap and fustian overalls whose garb bespoke a laudable ambition to attain in time the elevation of an hostler entered the passage of the George and Vulture and looked first up the stairs and then along the passage and then into the bar as if in search of somebody to whom he bore a commission whereupon the barmaid conceiving it not improbable that the said commission might be directed to the tea or table spoons of the establishment accosted the boy with Now young man what do you want Is there anybody here named Sam inquired the youth in a loud voice of treble quality Whats the tother name said Sam Weller looking round How should I know briskly replied the young gentleman below the hairy cap Youre a sharp boy you are said Mr Weller only I wouldnt show that wery fine edge too much if I was you in case anybody took it off What do you mean by comin to a hotel and asking arter Sam vith as much politeness as a vild Indian Cos an old genlmn told me to replied the boy What old genlmn inquired Sam with deep disdain Him as drives a Ipswich coach and uses our parlour rejoined the boy He told me yesterday mornin to come to the George and Wultur this arternoon and ask for Sam Its my father my dear said Mr Weller turning with an explanatory air to the young lady in the bar blessed if I think he hardly knows wot my other name is Well young brockiley sprout wot then Why then said the boy you was to come to him at six oclock to our ouse cos he wants to see youBlue Boar Leadenall Markit Shall I say youre comin You may wenture on that ere statement Sir replied Sam And thus empowered the young gentleman walked away awakening all the echoes in George Yard as he did so with several chaste and extremely correct imitations of a drovers whistle delivered in a tone of peculiar richness and volume Mr Weller having obtained leave of absence from Mr Pickwick who in his then state of excitement and worry was by no means displeased at being left alone set forth long before the appointed hour and having plenty of time at his disposal sauntered down as far as the Mansion House where he paused and contemplated with a face of great calmness and philosophy the numerous cads and drivers of short stages who assemble near that famous place of resort to the great terror and confusion of the oldlady population of these realms Having loitered here for half an hour or so Mr Weller turned and began wending his way towards Leadenhall Market through a variety of bystreets and courts As he was sauntering away his spare time and stopped to look at almost every object that met his gaze it is by no means surprising that Mr Weller should have paused before a small stationers and print sellers window but without further explanation it does appear surprising that his eyes should have no sooner rested on certain pictures which were exposed for sale therein than he gave a sudden start smote his right leg with great vehemence and exclaimed with energy if it hadnt been for this I should ha forgot all about it till it was too late The particular picture on which Sam Wellers eyes were fixed as he said this was a highlycoloured representation of a couple of human hearts skewered together with an arrow cooking before a cheerful fire while a male and female cannibal in modern attire the gentleman being clad in a blue coat and white trousers and the lady in a deep red pelisse with a parasol of the same were approaching the meal with hungry eyes up a serpentine gravel path leading thereunto A decidedly indelicate young gentleman in a pair of wings and nothing else was depicted as superintending the cooking a representation of the spire of the church in Langham Place London appeared in the distance and the whole formed a valentine of which as a written inscription in the window testified there was a large assortment within which the shopkeeper pledged himself to dispose of to his countrymen generally at the reduced rate of oneandsixpence each I should ha forgot it I should certainly ha forgot it said Sam so saying he at once stepped into the stationers shop and requested to be served with a sheet of the best giltedged letterpaper and a hard nibbed pen which could be warranted not to splutter These articles having been promptly supplied he walked on direct towards Leadenhall Market at a good round pace very different from his recent lingering one Looking round him he there beheld a signboard on which the painters art had delineated something remotely resembling a cerulean elephant with an aquiline nose in lieu of trunk Rightly conjecturing that this was the Blue Boar himself he stepped into the house and inquired concerning his parent He wont be here this threequarters of an hour or more said the young lady who superintended the domestic arrangements of the Blue Boar Wery good my dear replied Sam Let me have ninepennoth o brandy andwater luke and the inkstand will you miss The brandyandwater luke and the inkstand having been carried into the little parlour and the young lady having carefully flattened down the coals to prevent their blazing and carried away the poker to preclude the possibility of the fire being stirred without the full privity and concurrence of the Blue Boar being first had and obtained Sam Weller sat himself down in a box near the stove and pulled out the sheet of giltedged letterpaper and the hardnibbed pen Then looking carefully at the pen to see that there were no hairs in it and dusting down the table so that there might be no crumbs of bread under the paper Sam tucked up the cuffs of his coat squared his elbows and composed himself to write To ladies and gentlemen who are not in the habit of devoting themselves practically to the science of penmanship writing a letter is no very easy task it being always considered necessary in such cases for the writer to recline his head on his left arm so as to place his eyes as nearly as possible on a level with the paper and while glancing sideways at the letters he is constructing to form with his tongue imaginary characters to correspond These motions although unquestionably of the greatest assistance to original composition retard in some degree the progress of the writer and Sam had unconsciously been a full hour and a half writing words in small text smearing out wrong letters with his little finger and putting in new ones which required going over very often to render them visible through the old blots when he was roused by the opening of the door and the entrance of his parent Vell Sammy said the father Vell my Prooshan Blue responded the son laying down his pen Whats the last bulletin about motherinlaw Mrs Veller passed a very good night but is uncommon perwerse and unpleasant this mornin Signed upon oath Tony Veller Esquire Thats the last vun as was issued Sammy replied Mr Weller untying his shawl No better yet inquired Sam All the symptoms aggerawated replied Mr Weller shaking his head But wots that youre adoin of Pursuit of knowledge under difficulties Sammy Ive done now said Sam with slight embarrassment Ive been a writin So I see replied Mr Weller Not to any young ooman I hope Sammy Why its no use asayin it aint replied Sam its a walentine A what exclaimed Mr Weller apparently horrorstricken by the word A walentine replied Sam Samivel Samivel said Mr Weller in reproachful accents I didnt think youd ha done it Arter the warnin youve had o your fathers wicious propensities arter all Ive said to you upon this here wery subject arter actiwally seein and bein in the company o your own motherinlaw vich I should ha thought wos a moral lesson as no man could never ha forgotten to his dyin day I didnt think youd ha done it Sammy I didnt think youd ha done it These reflections were too much for the good old man He raised Sams tumbler to his lips and drank off its contents Wots the matter now said Sam Nevr mind Sammy replied Mr Weller itll be a wery agonisin trial to me at my time of life but Im pretty tough thats vun consolation as the wery old turkey remarked wen the farmer said he wos afeerd he should be obliged to kill him for the London market Wotll be a trial inquired Sam To see you married Sammyto see you a dilluded wictim and thinkin in your innocence that its all wery capital replied Mr Weller Its a dreadful trial to a fathers feelins that ere Sammy Nonsense said Sam I aint agoin to get married dont you fret yourself about that I know youre a judge of these things Order in your pipe and Ill read you the letter There We cannot distinctly say whether it was the prospect of the pipe or the consolatory reflection that a fatal disposition to get married ran in the family and couldnt be helped which calmed Mr Wellers feelings and caused his grief to subside We should be rather disposed to say that the result was attained by combining the two sources of consolation for he repeated the second in a low tone very frequently ringing the bell meanwhile to order in the first He then divested himself of his upper coat and lighting the pipe and placing himself in front of the fire with his back towards it so that he could feel its full heat and recline against the mantelpiece at the same time turned towards Sam and with a countenance greatly mollified by the softening influence of tobacco requested him to fire away Sam dipped his pen into the ink to be ready for any corrections and began with a very theatrical air Lovely Stop said Mr Weller ringing the bell A double glass o the inwariable my dear Very well Sir replied the girl who with great quickness appeared vanished returned and disappeared They seem to know your ways here observed Sam Yes replied his father Ive been here before in my time Go on Sammy Lovely creetur repeated Sam Taint in poetry is it interposed his father No no replied Sam Wery glad to hear it said Mr Weller Poetrys unnatral no man ever talked poetry cept a beadle on boxinday or Warrens blackin or Rowlands oil or some of them low fellows never you let yourself down to talk poetry my boy Begin agin Sammy Mr Weller resumed his pipe with critical solemnity and Sam once more commenced and read as follows Lovely creetur I feel myself a damned That aint proper said Mr Weller taking his pipe from his mouth No it aint damned observed Sam holding the letter up to the light its shamed theres a blot thereI feel myself ashamed Wery good said Mr Weller Go on Feel myself ashamed and completely cir I forget what this here word is said Sam scratching his head with the pen in vain attempts to remember Why dont you look at it then inquired Mr Weller So I am alookin at it replied Sam but theres another blot Heres a c and a i and a d Circumwented praps suggested Mr Weller No it aint that said Sam circumscribed thats it That aint as good a word as circumwented Sammy said Mr Weller gravely Think not said Sam Nothin like it replied his father But dont you think it means more inquired Sam Vell praps its a more tenderer word said Mr Weller after a few moments reflection Go on Sammy Feel myself ashamed and completely circumscribed in adressin of you for you are a nice gal and nothin but it Thats a wery pretty sentiment said the elder Mr Weller removing his pipe to make way for the remark Yes I think it is rayther good observed Sam highly flattered Wot I like in that ere style of writin said the elder Mr Weller is that there aint no callin names in itno Wenuses nor nothin o that kind Wots the good o callin a young ooman a Wenus or a angel Sammy Ah what indeed replied Sam You might jist as well call her a griffin or a unicorn or a kings arms at once which is wery well known to be a collection o fabulous animals added Mr Weller Just as well replied Sam Drive on Sammy said Mr Weller Sam complied with the request and proceeded as follows his father continuing to smoke with a mixed expression of wisdom and complacency which was particularly edifying Afore I see you I thought all women was alike So they are observed the elder Mr Weller parenthetically But now continued Sam now I find what a reglar softheaded inkredlous turnip I must ha been for there aint nobody like you though I like you better than nothin at all I thought it best to make that rayther strong said Sam looking up Mr Weller nodded approvingly and Sam resumed So I take the privilidge of the day Mary my dearas the genlmn in difficulties did ven he valked out of a Sundayto tell you that the first and only time I see you your likeness was took on my hart in much quicker time and brighter colours than ever a likeness was took by the profeel macheen wich praps you may have heerd on Mary my dear altho it does finish a portrait and put the frame and glass on complete with a hook at the end to hang it up by and all in two minutes and a quarter I am afeerd that werges on the poetical Sammy said Mr Weller dubiously No it dont replied Sam reading on very quickly to avoid contesting the point Except of me Mary my dear as your walentine and think over what Ive saidMy dear Mary I will now conclude Thats all said Sam Thats rather a Sudden pullup aint it Sammy inquired Mr Weller Not a bit on it said Sam shell vish there wos more and thats the great art o letterwritin Well said Mr Weller theres somethin in that and I wish your motherinlaw ud only conduct her conwersation on the same genteel principle Aint you agoin to sign it Thats the difficulty said Sam I dont know what to sign it Sign itVeller said the oldest surviving proprietor of that name Wont do said Sam Never sign a walentine with your own name Sign it Pickwick then said Mr Weller its a wery good name and a easy one to spell The wery thing said Sam I could end with a werse what do you think I dont like it Sam rejoined Mr Weller I never knowd a respectable coachman as wrote poetry cept one as made an affectin copy o werses the night afore he was hung for a highway robbery and he wos only a Cambervell man so even thats no rule But Sam was not to be dissuaded from the poetical idea that had occurred to him so he signed the letter Your lovesick Pickwick And having folded it in a very intricate manner squeezed a downhill direction in one corner To Mary Housemaid at Mr Nupkinss Mayors Ipswich Suffolk and put it into his pocket wafered and ready for the general post This important business having been transacted Mr Weller the elder proceeded to open that on which he had summoned his son The first matter relates to your governor Sammy said Mr Weller Hes agoin to be tried tomorrow aint he The trials acomin on replied Sam Vell said Mr Weller Now I spose hell want to call some witnesses to speak to his character or prhaps to prove a alleybi Ive been a turnin the bisness over in my mind and he may make hisself easy Sammy Ive got some friends asll do either for him but my adwice ud be this herenever mind the character and stick to the alleybi Nothing like a alleybi Sammy nothing Mr Weller looked very profound as he delivered this legal opinion and burying his nose in his tumbler winked over the top thereof at his astonished son Why what do you mean said Sam you dont think hes agoin to be tried at the Old Bailey do you That aint no part of the present consideration Sammy replied Mr Weller Verever hes agoin to be tried my boy a alleybis the thing to get him off Ve got Tom Vildspark off that ere manslaughter with a alleybi ven all the big vigs to a man said as nothing couldnt save him And my pinion is Sammy that if your governor dont prove a alleybi hell be what the Italians call reglarly flummoxed and thats all about it As the elder Mr Weller entertained a firm and unalterable conviction that the Old Bailey was the supreme court of judicature in this country and that its rules and forms of proceeding regulated and controlled the practice of all other courts of justice whatsoever he totally disregarded the assurances and arguments of his son tending to show that the alibi was inadmissible and vehemently protested that Mr Pickwick was being wictimised Finding that it was of no use to discuss the matter further Sam changed the subject and inquired what the second topic was on which his revered parent wished to consult him Thats a pint o domestic policy Sammy said Mr Weller This here Stiggins Rednosed man inquired Sam The wery same replied Mr Weller This here rednosed man Sammy wisits your motherinlaw vith a kindness and constancy I never see equalled Hes sitch a friend o the family Sammy that wen hes avay from us he cant be comfortable unless he has somethin to remember us by And Id give him somethin as ud turpentine and beeswax his memory for the next ten years or so if I wos you interposed Sam Stop a minute said Mr Weller I wos agoing to say he always brings now a flat bottle as holds about a pint and a half and fills it vith the pineapple rum afore he goes avay And empties it afore he comes back I spose said Sam Clean replied Mr Weller never leaves nothin in it but the cork and the smell trust him for that Sammy Now these here fellows my boy are agoin tonight to get up the monthly meetin o the Brick Lane Branch o the United Grand Junction Ebenezer Temperance Association Your motherinlaw wos agoin Sammy but shes got the rheumatics and cant and I SammyIve got the two tickets as wos sent her Mr Weller communicated this secret with great glee and winked so indefatigably after doing so that Sam began to think he must have got the Tic Doloureux in his right eyelid Well said that young gentleman Well continued his progenitor looking round him very cautiously you and Ill go punctiwal to the time The deputyshepherd wont Sammy the deputyshepherd wont Here Mr Weller was seized with a paroxysm of chuckles which gradually terminated in as near an approach to a choke as an elderly gentleman can with safety sustain Well I never see sitch an old ghost in all my born days exclaimed Sam rubbing the old gentlemans back hard enough to set him on fire with the friction What are you alaughin at corpilence Hush Sammy said Mr Weller looking round him with increased caution and speaking in a whisper Two friends o mine as works the Oxford Road and is up to all kinds o games has got the deputy shepherd safe in tow Sammy and ven he does come to the Ebenezer Junction vich hes sure to do for theyll see him to the door and shove him in if necessary hell be as far gone in rumandwater as ever he wos at the Markis o Granby Dorkin and thats not sayin a little neither And with this Mr Weller once more laughed immoderately and once more relapsed into a state of partial suffocation in consequence Nothing could have been more in accordance with Sam Wellers feelings than the projected exposure of the real propensities and qualities of the rednosed man and it being very near the appointed hour of meeting the father and son took their way at once to Brick Lane Sam not forgetting to drop his letter into a general postoffice as they walked along The monthly meetings of the Brick Lane Branch of the United Grand Junction Ebenezer Temperance Association were held in a large room pleasantly and airily situated at the top of a safe and commodious ladder The president was the straightwalking Mr Anthony Humm a converted fireman now a schoolmaster and occasionally an itinerant preacher and the secretary was Mr Jonas Mudge chandlers shopkeeper an enthusiastic and disinterested vessel who sold tea to the members Previous to the commencement of business the ladies sat upon forms and drank tea till such time as they considered it expedient to leave off and a large wooden moneybox was conspicuously placed upon the green baize cloth of the businesstable behind which the secretary stood and acknowledged with a gracious smile every addition to the rich vein of copper which lay concealed within On this particular occasion the women drank tea to a most alarming extent greatly to the horror of Mr Weller senior who utterly regardless of all Sams admonitory nudgings stared about him in every direction with the most undisguised astonishment Sammy whispered Mr Weller if some o these here people dont want tappin tomorrow mornin I aint your father and thats wot it is Why this here old lady next me is adrowndin herself in tea Be quiet cant you murmured Sam Sam whispered Mr Weller a moment afterwards in a tone of deep agitation mark my vords my boy If that ere secretary fellow keeps on for only five minutes more hell blow hisself up with toast and water Well let him if he likes replied Sam it aint no bisness o yourn If this here lasts much longer Sammy said Mr Weller in the same low voice I shall feel it my duty as a human bein to rise and address the cheer Theres a young ooman on the next form but two as has drunk nine breakfast cups and a half and shes aswellin wisibly before my wery eyes There is little doubt that Mr Weller would have carried his benevolent intention into immediate execution if a great noise occasioned by putting up the cups and saucers had not very fortunately announced that the teadrinking was over The crockery having been removed the table with the green baize cover was carried out into the centre of the room and the business of the evening was commenced by a little emphatic man with a bald head and drab shorts who suddenly rushed up the ladder at the imminent peril of snapping the two little legs incased in the drab shorts and said Ladies and gentlemen I move our excellent brother Mr Anthony Humm into the chair The ladies waved a choice selection of pockethandkerchiefs at this proposition and the impetuous little man literally moved Mr Humm into the chair by taking him by the shoulders and thrusting him into a mahoganyframe which had once represented that article of furniture The waving of handkerchiefs was renewed and Mr Humm who was a sleek whitefaced man in a perpetual perspiration bowed meekly to the great admiration of the females and formally took his seat Silence was then proclaimed by the little man in the drab shorts and Mr Humm rose and saidThat with the permission of his Brick Lane Branch brothers and sisters then and there present the secretary would read the report of the Brick Lane Branch committee a proposition which was again received with a demonstration of pockethandkerchiefs The secretary having sneezed in a very impressive manner and the cough which always seizes an assembly when anything particular is going to be done having been duly performed the following document was read REPORT OF THE COMMITTEE OF THE BRICK LANE BRANCH OF THE UNITED GRAND JUNCTION EBENEZER TEMPERANCE ASSOCIATION Your committee have pursued their grateful labours during the past month and have the unspeakable pleasure of reporting the following additional cases of converts to Temperance H Walker tailor wife and two children When in better circumstances owns to having been in the constant habit of drinking ale and beer says he is not certain whether he did not twice a week for twenty years taste dogs nose which your committee find upon inquiry to be compounded of warm porter moist sugar gin and nutmeg a groan and So it is from an elderly female Is now out of work and penniless thinks it must be the porter cheers or the loss of the use of his right hand is not certain which but thinks it very likely that if he had drunk nothing but water all his life his fellowworkman would never have stuck a rusty needle in him and thereby occasioned his accident tremendous cheering Has nothing but cold water to drink and never feels thirsty great applause Betsy Martin widow one child and one eye Goes out charing and washing by the day never had more than one eye but knows her mother drank bottled stout and shouldnt wonder if that caused it immense cheering Thinks it not impossible that if she had always abstained from spirits she might have had two eyes by this time tremendous applause Used at every place she went to to have eighteenpence a day a pint of porter and a glass of spirits but since she became a member of the Brick Lane Branch has always demanded threeandsixpence the announcement of this most interesting fact was received with deafening enthusiasm Henry Beller was for many years toastmaster at various corporation dinners during which time he drank a great deal of foreign wine may sometimes have carried a bottle or two home with him is not quite certain of that but is sure if he did that he drank the contents Feels very low and melancholy is very feverish and has a constant thirst upon him thinks it must be the wine he used to drink cheers Is out of employ now and never touches a drop of foreign wine by any chance tremendous plaudits Thomas Burton is purveyor of cats meat to the Lord Mayor and Sheriffs and several members of the Common Council the announcement of this gentlemans name was received with breathless interest Has a wooden leg finds a wooden leg expensive going over the stones used to wear secondhand wooden legs and drink a glass of hot ginandwater regularly every nightsometimes two deep sighs Found the secondhand wooden legs split and rot very quickly is firmly persuaded that their constitution was undermined by the ginandwater prolonged cheering Buys new wooden legs now and drinks nothing but water and weak tea The new legs last twice as long as the others used to do and he attributes this solely to his temperate habits triumphant cheers Anthony Humm now moved that the assembly do regale itself with a song With a view to their rational and moral enjoyment Brother Mordlin had adapted the beautiful words of Who hasnt heard of a Jolly Young Waterman to the tune of the Old Hundredth which he would request them to join him in singing great applause He might take that opportunity of expressing his firm persuasion that the late Mr Dibdin seeing the errors of his former life had written that song to show the advantages of abstinence It was a temperance song whirlwinds of cheers The neatness of the young mans attire the dexterity of his feathering the enviable state of mind which enabled him in the beautiful words of the poet to Row along thinking of nothing at all all combined to prove that he must have been a waterdrinker cheers Oh what a state of virtuous jollity rapturous cheering And what was the young mans reward Let all young men present mark this The maidens all flocked to his boat so readily Loud cheers in which the ladies joined What a bright example The sisterhood the maidens flocking round the young waterman and urging him along the stream of duty and of temperance But was it the maidens of humble life only who soothed consoled and supported him No He was always first oars with the fine city ladies Immense cheering The soft sex to a manhe begged pardon to a femalerallied round the young waterman and turned with disgust from the drinker of spirits cheers The Brick Lane Branch brothers were watermen cheers and laughter That room was their boat that audience were the maidens and he Mr Anthony Humm however unworthily was first oars unbounded applause Wot does he mean by the soft sex Sammy inquired Mr Weller in a whisper The womin said Sam in the same tone He aint far out there Sammy replied Mr Weller they must be a soft sexa wery soft sex indeedif they let themselves be gammoned by such fellers as him Any further observations from the indignant old gentleman were cut short by the announcement of the song which Mr Anthony Humm gave out two lines at a time for the information of such of his hearers as were unacquainted with the legend While it was being sung the little man with the drab shorts disappeared he returned immediately on its conclusion and whispered Mr Anthony Humm with a face of the deepest importance My friends said Mr Humm holding up his hand in a deprecatory manner to bespeak the silence of such of the stout old ladies as were yet a line or two behind my friends a delegate from the Dorking Branch of our society Brother Stiggins attends below Out came the pockethandkerchiefs again in greater force than ever for Mr Stiggins was excessively popular among the female constituency of Brick Lane He may approach I think said Mr Humm looking round him with a fat smile Brother Tadger let him come forth and greet us The little man in the drab shorts who answered to the name of Brother Tadger bustled down the ladder with great speed and was immediately afterwards heard tumbling up with the Reverend Mr Stiggins Hes acomin Sammy whispered Mr Weller purple in the countenance with suppressed laughter Dont say nothin to me replied Sam for I cant bear it Hes close to the door I hear him aknockin his head again the lath and plaster now As Sam Weller spoke the little door flew open and Brother Tadger appeared closely followed by the Reverend Mr Stiggins who no sooner entered than there was a great clapping of hands and stamping of feet and flourishing of handkerchiefs to all of which manifestations of delight Brother Stiggins returned no other acknowledgment than staring with a wild eye and a fixed smile at the extreme top of the wick of the candle on the table swaying his body to and fro meanwhile in a very unsteady and uncertain manner Are you unwell Brother Stiggins whispered Mr Anthony Humm I am all right Sir replied Mr Stiggins in a tone in which ferocity was blended with an extreme thickness of utterance I am all right Sir Oh very well rejoined Mr Anthony Humm retreating a few paces I believe no man here has ventured to say that I am not all right Sir said Mr Stiggins Oh certainly not said Mr Humm I should advise him not to Sir I should advise him not said Mr Stiggins By this time the audience were perfectly silent and waited with some anxiety for the resumption of business Will you address the meeting brother said Mr Humm with a smile of invitation No sir rejoined Mr Stiggins No sir I will not sir The meeting looked at each other with raised eyelids and a murmur of astonishment ran through the room Its my opinion sir said Mr Stiggins unbuttoning his coat and speaking very loudlyits my opinion sir that this meeting is drunk sir Brother Tadger sir said Mr Stiggins suddenly increasing in ferocity and turning sharp round on the little man in the drab shorts you are drunk sir With this Mr Stiggins entertaining a praiseworthy desire to promote the sobriety of the meeting and to exclude therefrom all improper characters hit Brother Tadger on the summit of the nose with such unerring aim that the drab shorts disappeared like a flash of lightning Brother Tadger had been knocked head first down the ladder Upon this the women set up a loud and dismal screaming and rushing in small parties before their favourite brothers flung their arms around them to preserve them from danger An instance of affection which had nearly proved fatal to Humm who being extremely popular was all but suffocated by the crowd of female devotees that hung about his neck and heaped caresses upon him The greater part of the lights were quickly put out and nothing but noise and confusion resounded on all sides Now Sammy said Mr Weller taking off his greatcoat with much deliberation just you step out and fetch in a watchman And wot are you agoin to do the while inquired Sam Never you mind me Sammy replied the old gentleman I shall ockipy myself in havin a small settlement with that ere Stiggins Before Sam could interfere to prevent it his heroic parent had penetrated into a remote corner of the room and attacked the Reverend Mr Stiggins with manual dexterity Come off said Sam Come on cried Mr Weller and without further invitation he gave the Reverend Mr Stiggins a preliminary tap on the head and began dancing round him in a buoyant and corklike manner which in a gentleman at his time of life was a perfect marvel to behold Finding all remonstrances unavailing Sam pulled his hat firmly on threw his fathers coat over his arm and taking the old man round the waist forcibly dragged him down the ladder and into the street never releasing his hold or permitting him to stop until they reached the corner As they gained it they could hear the shouts of the populace who were witnessing the removal of the Reverend Mr Stiggins to strong lodgings for the night and could hear the noise occasioned by the dispersion in various directions of the members of the Brick Lane Branch of the United Grand Junction Ebenezer Temperance Association CHAPTER XXXIV IS WHOLLY DEVOTED TO A FULL AND FAITHFUL REPORT OF THE MEMORABLE TRIAL OF BARDELL AGAINST PICKWICK I wonder what the foreman of the jury whoever hell be has got for breakfast said Mr Snodgrass by way of keeping up a conversation on the eventful morning of the fourteenth of February Ah said Perker I hope hes got a good one Why so inquired Mr Pickwick Highly importantvery important my dear Sir replied Perker A good contented wellbreakfasted juryman is a capital thing to get hold of Discontented or hungry jurymen my dear sir always find for the plaintiff Bless my heart said Mr Pickwick looking very blank what do they do that for Why I dont know replied the little man coolly saves time I suppose If its near dinnertime the foreman takes out his watch when the jury has retired and says Dear me gentlemen ten minutes to five I declare I dine at five gentlemen So do I says everybody else except two men who ought to have dined at three and seem more than half disposed to stand out in consequence The foreman smiles and puts up his watchWell gentlemen what do we say plaintiff or defendant gentlemen I rather think so far as I am concerned gentlemenI say I rather thinkbut dont let that influence youI rather think the plaintiffs the man Upon this two or three other men are sure to say that they think so tooas of course they do and then they get on very unanimously and comfortably Ten minutes past nine said the little man looking at his watch Time we were off my dear sir breach of promise trialcourt is generally full in such cases You had better ring for a coach my dear sir or we shall be rather late Mr Pickwick immediately rang the bell and a coach having been procured the four Pickwickians and Mr Perker ensconced themselves therein and drove to Guildhall Sam Weller Mr Lowten and the blue bag following in a cab Lowten said Perker when they reached the outer hall of the court put Mr Pickwicks friends in the students box Mr Pickwick himself had better sit by me This way my dear sir this way Taking Mr Pickwick by the coat sleeve the little man led him to the low seat just beneath the desks of the Kings Counsel which is constructed for the convenience of attorneys who from that spot can whisper into the ear of the leading counsel in the case any instructions that may be necessary during the progress of the trial The occupants of this seat are invisible to the great body of spectators inasmuch as they sit on a much lower level than either the barristers or the audience whose seats are raised above the floor Of course they have their backs to both and their faces towards the judge Thats the witnessbox I suppose said Mr Pickwick pointing to a kind of pulpit with a brass rail on his left hand Thats the witnessbox my dear sir replied Perker disinterring a quantity of papers from the blue bag which Lowten had just deposited at his feet And that said Mr Pickwick pointing to a couple of enclosed seats on his right thats where the jurymen sit is it not The identical place my dear Sir replied Perker tapping the lid of his snuffbox Mr Pickwick stood up in a state of great agitation and took a glance at the court There were already a pretty large sprinkling of spectators in the gallery and a numerous muster of gentlemen in wigs in the barristers seats who presented as a body all that pleasing and extensive variety of nose and whisker for which the Bar of England is so justly celebrated Such of the gentlemen as had a brief to carry carried it in as conspicuous a manner as possible and occasionally scratched their noses therewith to impress the fact more strongly on the observation of the spectators Other gentlemen who had no briefs to show carried under their arms goodly octavos with a red label behind and that underdonepiecrustcoloured cover which is technically known as law calf Others who had neither briefs nor books thrust their hands into their pockets and looked as wise as they conveniently could others again moved here and there with great restlessness and earnestness of manner content to awaken thereby the admiration and astonishment of the uninitiated strangers The whole to the great wonderment of Mr Pickwick were divided into little groups who were chatting and discussing the news of the day in the most unfeeling manner possiblejust as if no trial at all were coming on A bow from Mr Phunky as he entered and took his seat behind the row appropriated to the Kings Counsel attracted Mr Pickwicks attention and he had scarcely returned it when Mr Serjeant Snubbin appeared followed by Mr Mallard who half hid the Serjeant behind a large crimson bag which he placed on his table and after shaking hands with Perker withdrew Then there entered two or three more Serjeants and among them one with a fat body and a red face who nodded in a friendly manner to Mr Serjeant Snubbin and said it was a fine morning Whos that redfaced man who said it was a fine morning and nodded to our counsel whispered Mr Pickwick Mr Serjeant Buzfuz replied Perker Hes opposed to us he leads on the other side That gentleman behind him is Mr Skimpin his junior Mr Pickwick was on the point of inquiring with great abhorrence of the mans coldblooded villainy how Mr Serjeant Buzfuz who was counsel for the opposite party dared to presume to tell Mr Serjeant Snubbin who was counsel for him that it was a fine morning when he was interrupted by a general rising of the barristers and a loud cry of Silence from the officers of the court Looking round he found that this was caused by the entrance of the judge Mr Justice Stareleigh who sat in the absence of the Chief Justice occasioned by indisposition was a most particularly short man and so fat that he seemed all face and waistcoat He rolled in upon two little turned legs and having bobbed gravely to the Bar who bobbed gravely to him put his little legs underneath his table and his little threecornered hat upon it and when Mr Justice Stareleigh had done this all you could see of him was two queer little eyes one broad pink face and somewhere about half of a big and very comicallooking wig The judge had no sooner taken his seat than the officer on the floor of the court called out Silence in a commanding tone upon which another officer in the gallery cried Silence in an angry manner whereupon three or four more ushers shouted Silence in a voice of indignant remonstrance This being done a gentleman in black who sat below the judge proceeded to call over the names of the jury and after a great deal of bawling it was discovered that only ten special jurymen were present Upon this Mr Serjeant Buzfuz prayed a tales the gentleman in black then proceeded to press into the special jury two of the common jurymen and a greengrocer and a chemist were caught directly Answer to your names gentlemen that you may be sworn said the gentleman in black Richard Upwitch Here said the greengrocer Thomas Groffin Here said the chemist Take the book gentlemen You shall well and truly try I beg this courts pardon said the chemist who was a tall thin yellowvisaged man but I hope this court will excuse my attendance On what grounds Sir said Mr Justice Stareleigh I have no assistant my Lord said the chemist I cant help that Sir replied Mr Justice Stareleigh You should hire one I cant afford it my Lord rejoined the chemist Then you ought to be able to afford it Sir said the judge reddening for Mr Justice Stareleighs temper bordered on the irritable and brooked not contradiction I know I ought to do if I got on as well as I deserved but I dont my Lord answered the chemist Swear the gentleman said the judge peremptorily The officer had got no further than the You shall well and truly try when he was again interrupted by the chemist I am to be sworn my Lord am I said the chemist Certainly sir replied the testy little judge Very well my Lord replied the chemist in a resigned manner Then therell be murder before this trials over thats all Swear me if you please Sir and sworn the chemist was before the judge could find words to utter I merely wanted to observe my Lord said the chemist taking his seat with great deliberation that Ive left nobody but an errandboy in my shop He is a very nice boy my Lord but he is not acquainted with drugs and I know that the prevailing impression on his mind is that Epsom salts means oxalic acid and syrup of senna laudanum Thats all my Lord With this the tall chemist composed himself into a comfortable attitude and assuming a pleasant expression of countenance appeared to have prepared himself for the worst Mr Pickwick was regarding the chemist with feelings of the deepest horror when a slight sensation was perceptible in the body of the court and immediately afterwards Mrs Bardell supported by Mrs Cluppins was led in and placed in a drooping state at the other end of the seat on which Mr Pickwick sat An extrasized umbrella was then handed in by Mr Dodson and a pair of pattens by Mr Fogg each of whom had prepared a most sympathising and melancholy face for the occasion Mrs Sanders then appeared leading in Master Bardell At sight of her child Mrs Bardell started suddenly recollecting herself she kissed him in a frantic manner then relapsing into a state of hysterical imbecility the good lady requested to be informed where she was In reply to this Mrs Cluppins and Mrs Sanders turned their heads away and wept while Messrs Dodson and Fogg entreated the plaintiff to compose herself Serjeant Buzfuz rubbed his eyes very hard with a large white handkerchief and gave an appealing look towards the jury while the judge was visibly affected and several of the beholders tried to cough down their emotion Very good notion that indeed whispered Perker to Mr Pickwick Capital fellows those Dodson and Fogg excellent ideas of effect my dear Sir excellent As Perker spoke Mrs Bardell began to recover by slow degrees while Mrs Cluppins after a careful survey of Master Bardells buttons and the buttonholes to which they severally belonged placed him on the floor of the court in front of his mothera commanding position in which he could not fail to awaken the full commiseration and sympathy of both judge and jury This was not done without considerable opposition and many tears on the part of the young gentleman himself who had certain inward misgivings that the placing him within the full glare of the judges eye was only a formal prelude to his being immediately ordered away for instant execution or for transportation beyond the seas during the whole term of his natural life at the very least Bardell and Pickwick cried the gentleman in black calling on the case which stood first on the list I am for the plaintiff my Lord said Mr Serjeant Buzfuz Who is with you Brother Buzfuz said the judge Mr Skimpin bowed to intimate that he was I appear for the defendant my Lord said Mr Serjeant Snubbin Anybody with you Brother Snubbin inquired the court Mr Phunky my Lord replied Serjeant Snubbin Serjeant Buzfuz and Mr Skimpin for the plaintiff said the judge writing down the names in his notebook and reading as he wrote for the defendant Serjeant Snubbin and Mr Monkey Beg your Lordships pardon Phunky Oh very good said the judge I never had the pleasure of hearing the gentlemans name before Here Mr Phunky bowed and smiled and the judge bowed and smiled too and then Mr Phunky blushing into the very whites of his eyes tried to look as if he didnt know that everybody was gazing at him a thing which no man ever succeeded in doing yet or in all reasonable probability ever will Go on said the judge The ushers again called silence and Mr Skimpin proceeded to open the case and the case appeared to have very little inside it when he had opened it for he kept such particulars as he knew completely to himself and sat down after a lapse of three minutes leaving the jury in precisely the same advanced stage of wisdom as they were in before Serjeant Buzfuz then rose with all the majesty and dignity which the grave nature of the proceedings demanded and having whispered to Dodson and conferred briefly with Fogg pulled his gown over his shoulders settled his wig and addressed the jury Serjeant Buzfuz began by saying that never in the whole course of his professional experiencenever from the very first moment of his applying himself to the study and practice of the lawhad he approached a case with feelings of such deep emotion or with such a heavy sense of the responsibility imposed upon hima responsibility he would say which he could never have supported were he not buoyed up and sustained by a conviction so strong that it amounted to positive certainty that the cause of truth and justice or in other words the cause of his muchinjured and most oppressed client must prevail with the high minded and intelligent dozen of men whom he now saw in that box before him Counsel usually begin in this way because it puts the jury on the very best terms with themselves and makes them think what sharp fellows they must be A visible effect was produced immediately several jurymen beginning to take voluminous notes with the utmost eagerness You have heard from my learned friend gentlemen continued Serjeant Buzfuz well knowing that from the learned friend alluded to the gentlemen of the jury had heard just nothing at allyou have heard from my learned friend gentlemen that this is an action for a breach of promise of marriage in which the damages are laid at <U+00A3>1500 But you have not heard from my learned friend inasmuch as it did not come within my learned friends province to tell you what are the facts and circumstances of the case Those facts and circumstances gentlemen you shall hear detailed by me and proved by the unimpeachable female whom I will place in that box before you Here Mr Serjeant Buzfuz with a tremendous emphasis on the word box smote his table with a mighty sound and glanced at Dodson and Fogg who nodded admiration of the Serjeant and indignant defiance of the defendant The plaintiff gentlemen continued Serjeant Buzfuz in a soft and melancholy voice the plaintiff is a widow yes gentlemen a widow The late Mr Bardell after enjoying for many years the esteem and confidence of his sovereign as one of the guardians of his royal revenues glided almost imperceptibly from the world to seek elsewhere for that repose and peace which a customhouse can never afford At this pathetic description of the decease of Mr Bardell who had been knocked on the head with a quartpot in a publichouse cellar the learned serjeants voice faltered and he proceeded with emotion Some time before his death he had stamped his likeness upon a little boy With this little boy the only pledge of her departed exciseman Mrs Bardell shrank from the world and courted the retirement and tranquillity of Goswell Street and here she placed in her front parlour window a written placard bearing this inscriptionApartments furnished for a single gentleman Inquire within Here Serjeant Buzfuz paused while several gentlemen of the jury took a note of the document There is no date to that is there inquired a juror There is no date gentlemen replied Serjeant Buzfuz but I am instructed to say that it was put in the plaintiffs parlour window just this time three years I entreat the attention of the jury to the wording of this documentApartments furnished for a single gentleman Mrs Bardells opinions of the opposite sex gentlemen were derived from a long contemplation of the inestimable qualities of her lost husband She had no fear she had no distrust she had no suspicion all was confidence and reliance Mr Bardell said the widowMr Bardell was a man of honour Mr Bardell was a man of his word Mr Bardell was no deceiver Mr Bardell was once a single gentleman himself to single gentlemen I look for protection for assistance for comfort and for consolation in single gentlemen I shall perpetually see something to remind me of what Mr Bardell was when he first won my young and untried affections to a single gentleman then shall my lodgings be let Actuated by this beautiful and touching impulse among the best impulses of our imperfect nature gentlemen the lonely and desolate widow dried her tears furnished her first floor caught her innocent boy to her maternal bosom and put the bill up in her parlour window Did it remain there long No The serpent was on the watch the train was laid the mine was preparing the sapper and miner was at work Before the bill had been in the parlour window three daysthree days gentlemena being erect upon two legs and bearing all the outward semblance of a man and not of a monster knocked at the door of Mrs Bardells house He inquired withinhe took the lodgings and on the very next day he entered into possession of them This man was PickwickPickwick the defendant Serjeant Buzfuz who had proceeded with such volubility that his face was perfectly crimson here paused for breath The silence awoke Mr Justice Stareleigh who immediately wrote down something with a pen without any ink in it and looked unusually profound to impress the jury with the belief that he always thought most deeply with his eyes shut Serjeant Buzfuz proceeded Of this man Pickwick I will say little the subject presents but few attractions and I gentlemen am not the man nor are you gentlemen the men to delight in the contemplation of revolting heartlessness and of systematic villainy Here Mr Pickwick who had been writhing in silence for some time gave a violent start as if some vague idea of assaulting Serjeant Buzfuz in the august presence of justice and law suggested itself to his mind An admonitory gesture from Perker restrained him and he listened to the learned gentlemans continuation with a look of indignation which contrasted forcibly with the admiring faces of Mrs Cluppins and Mrs Sanders I say systematic villainy gentlemen said Serjeant Buzfuz looking through Mr Pickwick and talking at him and when I say systematic villainy let me tell the defendant Pickwick if he be in court as I am informed he is that it would have been more decent in him more becoming in better judgment and in better taste if he had stopped away Let me tell him gentlemen that any gestures of dissent or disapprobation in which he may indulge in this court will not go down with you that you will know how to value and how to appreciate them and let me tell him further as my Lord will tell you gentlemen that a counsel in the discharge of his duty to his client is neither to be intimidated nor bullied nor put down and that any attempt to do either the one or the other or the first or the last will recoil on the head of the attempter be he plaintiff or be he defendant be his name Pickwick or Noakes or Stoakes or Stiles or Brown or Thompson This little divergence from the subject in hand had of course the intended effect of turning all eyes to Mr Pickwick Serjeant Buzfuz having partially recovered from the state of moral elevation into which he had lashed himself resumed I shall show you gentlemen that for two years Pickwick continued to reside constantly and without interruption or intermission at Mrs Bardells house I shall show you that Mrs Bardell during the whole of that time waited on him attended to his comforts cooked his meals looked out his linen for the washerwoman when it went abroad darned aired and prepared it for wear when it came home and in short enjoyed his fullest trust and confidence I shall show you that on many occasions he gave halfpence and on some occasions even sixpences to her little boy and I shall prove to you by a witness whose testimony it will be impossible for my learned friend to weaken or controvert that on one occasion he patted the boy on the head and after inquiring whether he had won any alley tors or commoneys lately both of which I understand to be a particular species of marbles much prized by the youth of this town made use of this remarkable expression How should you like to have another father I shall prove to you gentlemen that about a year ago Pickwick suddenly began to absent himself from home during long intervals as if with the intention of gradually breaking off from my client but I shall show you also that his resolution was not at that time sufficiently strong or that his better feelings conquered if better feelings he has or that the charms and accomplishments of my client prevailed against his unmanly intentions by proving to you that on one occasion when he returned from the country he distinctly and in terms offered her marriage previously however taking special care that there would be no witness to their solemn contract and I am in a situation to prove to you on the testimony of three of his own friendsmost unwilling witnesses gentlemenmost unwilling witnessesthat on that morning he was discovered by them holding the plaintiff in his arms and soothing her agitation by his caresses and endearments A visible impression was produced upon the auditors by this part of the learned Serjeants address Drawing forth two very small scraps of paper he proceeded And now gentlemen but one word more Two letters have passed between these parties letters which are admitted to be in the handwriting of the defendant and which speak volumes indeed The letters too bespeak the character of the man They are not open fervent eloquent epistles breathing nothing but the language of affectionate attachment They are covert sly underhanded communications but fortunately far more conclusive than if couched in the most glowing language and the most poetic imageryletters that must be viewed with a cautious and suspicious eyeletters that were evidently intended at the time by Pickwick to mislead and delude any third parties into whose hands they might fall Let me read the first Garraways twelve oclock Dear Mrs BChops and tomato sauce Yours Pickwick Gentlemen what does this mean Chops and tomato sauce Yours Pickwick Chops Gracious heavens and tomato sauce Gentlemen is the happiness of a sensitive and confiding female to be trifled away by such shallow artifices as these The next has no date whatever which is in itself suspicious Dear Mrs B I shall not be at home till tomorrow Slow coach And then follows this very remarkable expression Dont trouble yourself about the warmingpan The warmingpan Why gentlemen who does trouble himself about a warmingpan When was the peace of mind of man or woman broken or disturbed by a warmingpan which is in itself a harmless a useful and I will add gentlemen a comforting article of domestic furniture Why is Mrs Bardell so earnestly entreated not to agitate herself about this warmingpan unless as is no doubt the case it is a mere cover for hidden firea mere substitute for some endearing word or promise agreeably to a preconcerted system of correspondence artfully contrived by Pickwick with a view to his contemplated desertion and which I am not in a condition to explain And what does this allusion to the slow coach mean For aught I know it may be a reference to Pickwick himself who has most unquestionably been a criminally slow coach during the whole of this transaction but whose speed will now be very unexpectedly accelerated and whose wheels gentlemen as he will find to his cost will very soon be greased by you Mr Serjeant Buzfuz paused in this place to see whether the jury smiled at his joke but as nobody took it but the greengrocer whose sensitiveness on the subject was very probably occasioned by his having subjected a chaisecart to the process in question on that identical morning the learned Serjeant considered it advisable to undergo a slight relapse into the dismals before he concluded But enough of this gentlemen said Mr Serjeant Buzfuz it is difficult to smile with an aching heart it is ill jesting when our deepest sympathies are awakened My clients hopes and prospects are ruined and it is no figure of speech to say that her occupation is gone indeed The bill is downbut there is no tenant Eligible single gentlemen pass and repassbut there is no invitation for to inquire within or without All is gloom and silence in the house even the voice of the child is hushed his infant sports are disregarded when his mother weeps his alley tors and his commoneys are alike neglected he forgets the long familiar cry of knuckle down and at tipcheese or odd and even his hand is out But Pickwick gentlemen Pickwick the ruthless destroyer of this domestic oasis in the desert of Goswell StreetPickwick who has choked up the well and thrown ashes on the swardPickwick who comes before you today with his heartless tomato sauce and warmingpansPickwick still rears his head with unblushing effrontery and gazes without a sigh on the ruin he has made Damages gentlemenheavy damages is the only punishment with which you can visit him the only recompense you can award to my client And for those damages she now appeals to an enlightened a highminded a right feeling a conscientious a dispassionate a sympathising a contemplative jury of her civilised countrymen With this beautiful peroration Mr Serjeant Buzfuz sat down and Mr Justice Stareleigh woke up Call Elizabeth Cluppins said Serjeant Buzfuz rising a minute afterwards with renewed vigour The nearest usher called for Elizabeth Tuppins another one at a little distance off demanded Elizabeth Jupkins and a third rushed in a breathless state into King Street and screamed for Elizabeth Muffins till he was hoarse Meanwhile Mrs Cluppins with the combined assistance of Mrs Bardell Mrs Sanders Mr Dodson and Mr Fogg was hoisted into the witness box and when she was safely perched on the top step Mrs Bardell stood on the bottom one with the pockethandkerchief and pattens in one hand and a glass bottle that might hold about a quarter of a pint of smellingsalts in the other ready for any emergency Mrs Sanders whose eyes were intently fixed on the judges face planted herself close by with the large umbrella keeping her right thumb pressed on the spring with an earnest countenance as if she were fully prepared to put it up at a moments notice Mrs Cluppins said Serjeant Buzfuz pray compose yourself maam Of course directly Mrs Cluppins was desired to compose herself she sobbed with increased vehemence and gave divers alarming manifestations of an approaching fainting fit or as she afterwards said of her feelings being too many for her Do you recollect Mrs Cluppins said Serjeant Buzfuz after a few unimportant questionsdo you recollect being in Mrs Bardells back one pair of stairs on one particular morning in July last when she was dusting Pickwicks apartment Yes my Lord and jury I do replied Mrs Cluppins Mr Pickwicks sittingroom was the firstfloor front I believe Yes it were Sir replied Mrs Cluppins What were you doing in the back room maam inquired the little judge My Lord and jury said Mrs Cluppins with interesting agitation I will not deceive you You had better not maam said the little judge I was there resumed Mrs Cluppins unbeknown to Mrs Bardell I had been out with a little basket gentlemen to buy three pound of red kidney pertaties which was three pound tuppence hapenny when I see Mrs Bardells street door on the jar On the what exclaimed the little judge Partly open my Lord said Serjeant Snubbin She said on the jar said the little judge with a cunning look Its all the same my Lord said Serjeant Snubbin The little judge looked doubtful and said hed make a note of it Mrs Cluppins then resumed I walked in gentlemen just to say goodmornin and went in a permiscuous manner upstairs and into the back room Gentlemen there was the sound of voices in the front room and And you listened I believe Mrs Cluppins said Serjeant Buzfuz Beggin your pardon Sir replied Mrs Cluppins in a majestic manner I would scorn the haction The voices was very loud Sir and forced themselves upon my ear Well Mrs Cluppins you were not listening but you heard the voices Was one of those voices Pickwicks Yes it were Sir And Mrs Cluppins after distinctly stating that Mr Pickwick addressed himself to Mrs Bardell repeated by slow degrees and by dint of many questions the conversation with which our readers are already acquainted The jury looked suspicious and Mr Serjeant Buzfuz smiled as he sat down They looked positively awful when Serjeant Snubbin intimated that he should not crossexamine the witness for Mr Pickwick wished it to be distinctly stated that it was due to her to say that her account was in substance correct Mrs Cluppins having once broken the ice thought it a favourable opportunity for entering into a short dissertation on her own domestic affairs so she straightway proceeded to inform the court that she was the mother of eight children at that present speaking and that she entertained confident expectations of presenting Mr Cluppins with a ninth somewhere about that day six months At this interesting point the little judge interposed most irascibly and the effect of the interposition was that both the worthy lady and Mrs Sanders were politely taken out of court under the escort of Mr Jackson without further parley Nathaniel Winkle said Mr Skimpin Here replied a feeble voice Mr Winkle entered the witnessbox and having been duly sworn bowed to the judge with considerable deference Dont look at me Sir said the judge sharply in acknowledgment of the salute look at the jury Mr Winkle obeyed the mandate and looked at the place where he thought it most probable the jury might be for seeing anything in his then state of intellectual complication was wholly out of the question Mr Winkle was then examined by Mr Skimpin who being a promising young man of two or threeandforty was of course anxious to confuse a witness who was notoriously predisposed in favour of the other side as much as he could Now Sir said Mr Skimpin have the goodness to let his Lordship know what your name is will you and Mr Skimpin inclined his head on one side to listen with great sharpness to the answer and glanced at the jury meanwhile as if to imply that he rather expected Mr Winkles natural taste for perjury would induce him to give some name which did not belong to him Winkle replied the witness Whats your Christian name Sir angrily inquired the little judge Nathaniel Sir Danielany other name Nathaniel sirmy Lord I mean Nathaniel Daniel or Daniel Nathaniel No my Lord only Nathanielnot Daniel at all What did you tell me it was Daniel for then sir inquired the judge I didnt my Lord replied Mr Winkle You did Sir replied the judge with a severe frown How could I have got Daniel on my notes unless you told me so Sir This argument was of course unanswerable Mr Winkle has rather a short memory my Lord interposed Mr Skimpin with another glance at the jury We shall find means to refresh it before we have quite done with him I dare say You had better be careful Sir said the little judge with a sinister look at the witness Poor Mr Winkle bowed and endeavoured to feign an easiness of manner which in his then state of confusion gave him rather the air of a disconcerted pickpocket Now Mr Winkle said Mr Skimpin attend to me if you please Sir and let me recommend you for your own sake to bear in mind his Lordships injunctions to be careful I believe you are a particular friend of Mr Pickwick the defendant are you not I have known Mr Pickwick now as well as I recollect at this moment nearly Pray Mr Winkle do not evade the question Are you or are you not a particular friend of the defendants I was just about to say that Will you or will you not answer my question Sir If you dont answer the question youll be committed Sir interposed the little judge looking over his notebook Come Sir said Mr Skimpin yes or no if you please Yes I am replied Mr Winkle Yes you are And why couldnt you say that at once Sir Perhaps you know the plaintiff too Eh Mr Winkle I dont know her Ive seen her Oh you dont know her but youve seen her Now have the goodness to tell the gentlemen of the jury what you mean by that Mr Winkle I mean that I am not intimate with her but I have seen her when I went to call on Mr Pickwick in Goswell Street How often have you seen her Sir How often Yes Mr Winkle how often Ill repeat the question for you a dozen times if you require it Sir And the learned gentleman with a firm and steady frown placed his hands on his hips and smiled suspiciously to the jury On this question there arose the edifying browbeating customary on such points First of all Mr Winkle said it was quite impossible for him to say how many times he had seen Mrs Bardell Then he was asked if he had seen her twenty times to which he replied Certainlymore than that Then he was asked whether he hadnt seen her a hundred times whether he couldnt swear that he had seen her more than fifty times whether he didnt know that he had seen her at least seventyfive times and so forth the satisfactory conclusion which was arrived at at last being that he had better take care of himself and mind what he was about The witness having been by these means reduced to the requisite ebb of nervous perplexity the examination was continued as follows Pray Mr Winkle do you remember calling on the defendant Pickwick at these apartments in the plaintiffs house in Goswell Street on one particular morning in the month of July last Yes I do Were you accompanied on that occasion by a friend of the name of Tupman and another by the name of Snodgrass Yes I was Are they here Yes they are replied Mr Winkle looking very earnestly towards the spot where his friends were stationed Pray attend to me Mr Winkle and never mind your friends said Mr Skimpin with another expressive look at the jury They must tell their stories without any previous consultation with you if none has yet taken place another look at the jury Now Sir tell the gentlemen of the jury what you saw on entering the defendants room on this particular morning Come out with it Sir we must have it sooner or later The defendant Mr Pickwick was holding the plaintiff in his arms with his hands clasping her waist replied Mr Winkle with natural hesitation and the plaintiff appeared to have fainted away Did you hear the defendant say anything I heard him call Mrs Bardell a good creature and I heard him ask her to compose herself for what a situation it was if anybody should come or words to that effect Now Mr Winkle I have only one more question to ask you and I beg you to bear in mind his Lordships caution Will you undertake to swear that Pickwick the defendant did not say on the occasion in question My dear Mrs Bardell youre a good creature compose yourself to this situation for to this situation you must come or words to that effect II didnt understand him so certainly said Mr Winkle astounded on this ingenious dovetailing of the few words he had heard I was on the staircase and couldnt hear distinctly the impression on my mind is The gentlemen of the jury want none of the impressions on your mind Mr Winkle which I fear would be of little service to honest straightforward men interposed Mr Skimpin You were on the staircase and didnt distinctly hear but you will not swear that Pickwick did not make use of the expressions I have quoted Do I understand that No I will not replied Mr Winkle and down sat Mr Skimpin with a triumphant countenance Mr Pickwicks case had not gone off in so particularly happy a manner up to this point that it could very well afford to have any additional suspicion cast upon it But as it could afford to be placed in a rather better light if possible Mr Phunky rose for the purpose of getting something important out of Mr Winkle in crossexamination Whether he did get anything important out of him will immediately appear I believe Mr Winkle said Mr Phunky that Mr Pickwick is not a young man Oh no replied Mr Winkle old enough to be my father You have told my learned friend that you have known Mr Pickwick a long time Had you ever any reason to suppose or believe that he was about to be married Oh no certainly not replied Mr Winkle with so much eagerness that Mr Phunky ought to have got him out of the box with all possible dispatch Lawyers hold that there are two kinds of particularly bad witnessesa reluctant witness and a toowilling witness it was Mr Winkles fate to figure in both characters I will even go further than this Mr Winkle continued Mr Phunky in a most smooth and complacent manner Did you ever see anything in Mr Pickwicks manner and conduct towards the opposite sex to induce you to believe that he ever contemplated matrimony of late years in any case Oh no certainly not replied Mr Winkle Has his behaviour when females have been in the case always been that of a man who having attained a pretty advanced period of life content with his own occupations and amusements treats them only as a father might his daughters Not the least doubt of it replied Mr Winkle in the fulness of his heart That isyesoh yescertainly You have never known anything in his behaviour towards Mrs Bardell or any other female in the least degree suspicious said Mr Phunky preparing to sit down for Serjeant Snubbin was winking at him Nnno replied Mr Winkle except on one trifling occasion which I have no doubt might be easily explained Now if the unfortunate Mr Phunky had sat down when Serjeant Snubbin had winked at him or if Serjeant Buzfuz had stopped this irregular crossexamination at the outset which he knew better than to do observing Mr Winkles anxiety and well knowing it would in all probability lead to something serviceable to him this unfortunate admission would not have been elicited The moment the words fell from Mr Winkles lips Mr Phunky sat down and Serjeant Snubbin rather hastily told him he might leave the box which Mr Winkle prepared to do with great readiness when Serjeant Buzfuz stopped him Stay Mr Winkle stay said Serjeant Buzfuz will your Lordship have the goodness to ask him what this one instance of suspicious behaviour towards females on the part of this gentleman who is old enough to be his father was You hear what the learned counsel says Sir observed the judge turning to the miserable and agonised Mr Winkle Describe the occasion to which you refer My Lord said Mr Winkle trembling with anxiety IId rather not Perhaps so said the little judge but you must Amid the profound silence of the whole court Mr Winkle faltered out that the trifling circumstance of suspicion was Mr Pickwicks being found in a ladys sleepingapartment at midnight which had terminated he believed in the breaking off of the projected marriage of the lady in question and had led he knew to the whole party being forcibly carried before George Nupkins Esq magistrate and justice of the peace for the borough of Ipswich You may leave the box Sir said Serjeant Snubbin Mr Winkle did leave the box and rushed with delirious haste to the George and Vulture where he was discovered some hours after by the waiter groaning in a hollow and dismal manner with his head buried beneath the sofa cushions Tracy Tupman and Augustus Snodgrass were severally called into the box both corroborated the testimony of their unhappy friend and each was driven to the verge of desperation by excessive badgering Susannah Sanders was then called and examined by Serjeant Buzfuz and crossexamined by Serjeant Snubbin Had always said and believed that Pickwick would marry Mrs Bardell knew that Mrs Bardells being engaged to Pickwick was the current topic of conversation in the neighbourhood after the fainting in July had been told it herself by Mrs Mudberry which kept a mangle and Mrs Bunkin which clearstarched but did not see either Mrs Mudberry or Mrs Bunkin in court Had heard Pickwick ask the little boy how he should like to have another father Did not know that Mrs Bardell was at that time keeping company with the baker but did know that the baker was then a single man and is now married Couldnt swear that Mrs Bardell was not very fond of the baker but should think that the baker was not very fond of Mrs Bardell or he wouldnt have married somebody else Thought Mrs Bardell fainted away on the morning in July because Pickwick asked her to name the day knew that she witness fainted away stone dead when Mr Sanders asked her to name the day and believed that everybody as called herself a lady would do the same under similar circumstances Heard Pickwick ask the boy the question about the marbles but upon her oath did not know the difference between an alley tor and a commoney By the courtDuring the period of her keeping company with Mr Sanders had received love letters like other ladies In the course of their correspondence Mr Sanders had often called her a duck but never chops nor yet tomato sauce He was particularly fond of ducks Perhaps if he had been as fond of chops and tomato sauce he might have called her that as a term of affection Serjeant Buzfuz now rose with more importance than he had yet exhibited if that were possible and vociferated Call Samuel Weller It was quite unnecessary to call Samuel Weller for Samuel Weller stepped briskly into the box the instant his name was pronounced and placing his hat on the floor and his arms on the rail took a birds eye view of the Bar and a comprehensive survey of the Bench with a remarkably cheerful and lively aspect Whats your name sir inquired the judge Sam Weller my Lord replied that gentleman Do you spell it with a V or a W inquired the judge That depends upon the taste and fancy of the speller my Lord replied Sam I never had occasion to spell it more than once or twice in my life but I spells it with a V Here a voice in the gallery exclaimed aloud Quite right too Samivel quite right Put it down a we my Lord put it down a we Who is that who dares address the court said the little judge looking up Usher Yes my Lord Bring that person here instantly Yes my Lord But as the usher didnt find the person he didnt bring him and after a great commotion all the people who had got up to look for the culprit sat down again The little judge turned to the witness as soon as his indignation would allow him to speak and said Do you know who that was sir I rayther suspect it was my father my lord replied Sam Do you see him here now said the judge No I dont my Lord replied Sam staring right up into the lantern at the roof of the court If you could have pointed him out I would have committed him instantly said the judge Sam bowed his acknowledgments and turned with unimpaired cheerfulness of countenance towards Serjeant Buzfuz Now Mr Weller said Serjeant Buzfuz Now sir replied Sam I believe you are in the service of Mr Pickwick the defendant in this case Speak up if you please Mr Weller I mean to speak up Sir replied Sam I am in the service o that ere genlman and a wery good service it is Little to do and plenty to get I suppose said Serjeant Buzfuz with jocularity Oh quite enough to get Sir as the soldier said ven they ordered him three hundred and fifty lashes replied Sam You must not tell us what the soldier or any other man said Sir interposed the judge its not evidence Wery good my Lord replied Sam Do you recollect anything particular happening on the morning when you were first engaged by the defendant eh Mr Weller said Serjeant Buzfuz Yes I do sir replied Sam Have the goodness to tell the jury what it was I had a reglar new fit out o clothes that mornin genlmen of the jury said Sam and that was a wery partickler and uncommon circumstance vith me in those days Hereupon there was a general laugh and the little judge looking with an angry countenance over his desk said You had better be careful Sir So Mr Pickwick said at the time my Lord replied Sam and I was wery careful o that ere suit o clothes wery careful indeed my Lord The judge looked sternly at Sam for full two minutes but Sams features were so perfectly calm and serene that the judge said nothing and motioned Serjeant Buzfuz to proceed Do you mean to tell me Mr Weller said Serjeant Buzfuz folding his arms emphatically and turning halfround to the jury as if in mute assurance that he would bother the witness yetdo you mean to tell me Mr Weller that you saw nothing of this fainting on the part of the plaintiff in the arms of the defendant which you have heard described by the witnesses Certainly not replied Sam I was in the passage till they called me up and then the old lady was not there Now attend Mr Weller said Serjeant Buzfuz dipping a large pen into the inkstand before him for the purpose of frightening Sam with a show of taking down his answer You were in the passage and yet saw nothing of what was going forward Have you a pair of eyes Mr Weller Yes I have a pair of eyes replied Sam and thats just it If they wos a pair o patent double million magnifyin gas microscopes of hextra power praps I might be able to see through a flight o stairs and a deal door but bein only eyes you see my wision s limited At this answer which was delivered without the slightest appearance of irritation and with the most complete simplicity and equanimity of manner the spectators tittered the little judge smiled and Serjeant Buzfuz looked particularly foolish After a short consultation with Dodson Fogg the learned Serjeant again turned towards Sam and said with a painful effort to conceal his vexation Now Mr Weller Ill ask you a question on another point if you please If you please Sir rejoined Sam with the utmost goodhumour Do you remember going up to Mrs Bardells house one night in November last Oh yes wery well Oh you do remember that Mr Weller said Serjeant Buzfuz recovering his spirits I thought we should get at something at last I rayther thought that too sir replied Sam and at this the spectators tittered again Well I suppose you went up to have a little talk about this trialeh Mr Weller said Serjeant Buzfuz looking knowingly at the jury I went up to pay the rent but we did get atalkin about the trial replied Sam Oh you did get atalking about the trial said Serjeant Buzfuz brightening up with the anticipation of some important discovery Now what passed about the trial will you have the goodness to tell us Mr Weller Vith all the pleasure in life sir replied Sam Arter a few unimportant obserwations from the two wirtuous females as has been examined here today the ladies gets into a very great state o admiration at the honourable conduct of Mr Dodson and Foggthem two genlmen as is settin near you now This of course drew general attention to Dodson Fogg who looked as virtuous as possible The attorneys for the plaintiff said Mr Serjeant Buzfuz Well They spoke in high praise of the honourable conduct of Messrs Dodson and Fogg the attorneys for the plaintiff did they Yes said Sam they said what a wery genrous thing it was o them to have taken up the case on spec and to charge nothing at all for costs unless they got em out of Mr Pickwick At this very unexpected reply the spectators tittered again and Dodson Fogg turning very red leaned over to Serjeant Buzfuz and in a hurried manner whispered something in his ear You are quite right said Serjeant Buzfuz aloud with affected composure Its perfectly useless my Lord attempting to get at any evidence through the impenetrable stupidity of this witness I will not trouble the court by asking him any more questions Stand down sir Would any other genlman like to ask me anythin inquired Sam taking up his hat and looking round most deliberately Not I Mr Weller thank you said Serjeant Snubbin laughing You may go down sir said Serjeant Buzfuz waving his hand impatiently Sam went down accordingly after doing Messrs Dodson Foggs case as much harm as he conveniently could and saying just as little respecting Mr Pickwick as might be which was precisely the object he had had in view all along I have no objection to admit my Lord said Serjeant Snubbin if it will save the examination of another witness that Mr Pickwick has retired from business and is a gentleman of considerable independent property Very well said Serjeant Buzfuz putting in the two letters to be read then thats my case my Lord Serjeant Snubbin then addressed the jury on behalf of the defendant and a very long and a very emphatic address he delivered in which he bestowed the highest possible eulogiums on the conduct and character of Mr Pickwick but inasmuch as our readers are far better able to form a correct estimate of that gentlemans merits and deserts than Serjeant Snubbin could possibly be we do not feel called upon to enter at any length into the learned gentlemans observations He attempted to show that the letters which had been exhibited merely related to Mr Pickwicks dinner or to the preparations for receiving him in his apartments on his return from some country excursion It is sufficient to add in general terms that he did the best he could for Mr Pickwick and the best as everybody knows on the infallible authority of the old adage could do no more Mr Justice Stareleigh summed up in the oldestablished and most approved form He read as much of his notes to the jury as he could decipher on so short a notice and made runningcomments on the evidence as he went along If Mrs Bardell were right it was perfectly clear that Mr Pickwick was wrong and if they thought the evidence of Mrs Cluppins worthy of credence they would believe it and if they didnt why they wouldnt If they were satisfied that a breach of promise of marriage had been committed they would find for the plaintiff with such damages as they thought proper and if on the other hand it appeared to them that no promise of marriage had ever been given they would find for the defendant with no damages at all The jury then retired to their private room to talk the matter over and the judge retired to his private room to refresh himself with a mutton chop and a glass of sherry An anxious quarter of a hour elapsed the jury came back the judge was fetched in Mr Pickwick put on his spectacles and gazed at the foreman with an agitated countenance and a quicklybeating heart Gentlemen said the individual in black are you all agreed upon your verdict We are replied the foreman Do you find for the plaintiff gentlemen or for the defendant For the plaintiff With what damages gentlemen Seven hundred and fifty pounds Mr Pickwick took off his spectacles carefully wiped the glasses folded them into their case and put them in his pocket then having drawn on his gloves with great nicety and stared at the foreman all the while he mechanically followed Mr Perker and the blue bag out of court They stopped in a side room while Perker paid the court fees and here Mr Pickwick was joined by his friends Here too he encountered Messrs Dodson Fogg rubbing their hands with every token of outward satisfaction Well gentlemen said Mr Pickwick Well Sir said Dodson for self and partner You imagine youll get your costs dont you gentlemen said Mr Pickwick Fogg said they thought it rather probable Dodson smiled and said theyd try You may try and try and try again Messrs Dodson and Fogg said Mr Pickwick vehemently but not one farthing of costs or damages do you ever get from me if I spend the rest of my existence in a debtors prison Ha ha laughed Dodson Youll think better of that before next term Mr Pickwick He he he Well soon see about that Mr Pickwick grinned Fogg Speechless with indignation Mr Pickwick allowed himself to be led by his solicitor and friends to the door and there assisted into a hackneycoach which had been fetched for the purpose by the ever watchful Sam Weller Sam had put up the steps and was preparing to jump upon the box when he felt himself gently touched on the shoulder and looking round his father stood before him The old gentlemans countenance wore a mournful expression as he shook his head gravely and said in warning accents I knowd what ud come o this here mode o doin bisness Oh Sammy Sammy vy wornt there a alleybi CHAPTER XXXV IN WHICH MR PICKWICK THINKS HE HAD BETTER GO TO BATH AND GOES ACCORDINGLY But surely my dear sir said little Perker as he stood in Mr Pickwicks apartment on the morning after the trial surely you dont really meanreally and seriously now and irritation apartthat you wont pay these costs and damages Not one halfpenny said Mr Pickwick firmly not one halfpenny Hooroar for the principle as the moneylender said ven he vouldnt renew the bill observed Mr Weller who was clearing away the breakfastthings Sam said Mr Pickwick have the goodness to step downstairs Certnly sir replied Mr Weller and acting on Mr Pickwicks gentle hint Sam retired No Perker said Mr Pickwick with great seriousness of manner my friends here have endeavoured to dissuade me from this determination but without avail I shall employ myself as usual until the opposite party have the power of issuing a legal process of execution against me and if they are vile enough to avail themselves of it and to arrest my person I shall yield myself up with perfect cheerfulness and content of heart When can they do this They can issue execution my dear Sir for the amount of the damages and taxed costs next term replied Perker just two months hence my dear sir Very good said Mr Pickwick Until that time my dear fellow let me hear no more of the matter And now continued Mr Pickwick looking round on his friends with a goodhumoured smile and a sparkle in the eye which no spectacles could dim or conceal the only question is Where shall we go next Mr Tupman and Mr Snodgrass were too much affected by their friends heroism to offer any reply Mr Winkle had not yet sufficiently recovered the recollection of his evidence at the trial to make any observation on any subject so Mr Pickwick paused in vain Well said that gentleman if you leave me to suggest our destination I say Bath I think none of us have ever been there Nobody had and as the proposition was warmly seconded by Perker who considered it extremely probable that if Mr Pickwick saw a little change and gaiety he would be inclined to think better of his determination and worse of a debtors prison it was carried unanimously and Sam was at once despatched to the White Horse Cellar to take five places by the halfpast seven oclock coach next morning There were just two places to be had inside and just three to be had out so Sam Weller booked for them all and having exchanged a few compliments with the bookingoffice clerk on the subject of a pewter halfcrown which was tendered him as a portion of his change walked back to the George and Vulture where he was pretty busily employed until bedtime in reducing clothes and linen into the smallest possible compass and exerting his mechanical genius in constructing a variety of ingenious devices for keeping the lids on boxes which had neither locks nor hinges The next was a very unpropitious morning for a journeymuggy damp and drizzly The horses in the stages that were going out and had come through the city were smoking so that the outside passengers were invisible The newspapersellers looked moist and smelled mouldy the wet ran off the hats of the orangevendors as they thrust their heads into the coach windows and diluted the insides in a refreshing manner The Jews with the fiftybladed penknives shut them up in despair the men with the pocketbooks made pocketbooks of them Watchguards and toastingforks were alike at a discount and pencilcases and sponges were a drug in the market Leaving Sam Weller to rescue the luggage from the seven or eight porters who flung themselves savagely upon it the moment the coach stopped and finding that they were about twenty minutes too early Mr Pickwick and his friends went for shelter into the travellers roomthe last resource of human dejection The travellers room at the White Horse Cellar is of course uncomfortable it would be no travellers room if it were not It is the righthand parlour into which an aspiring kitchen fireplace appears to have walked accompanied by a rebellious poker tongs and shovel It is divided into boxes for the solitary confinement of travellers and is furnished with a clock a lookingglass and a live waiter which latter article is kept in a small kennel for washing glasses in a corner of the apartment One of these boxes was occupied on this particular occasion by a sterneyed man of about fiveandforty who had a bald and glossy forehead with a good deal of black hair at the sides and back of his head and large black whiskers He was buttoned up to the chin in a brown coat and had a large sealskin travellingcap and a greatcoat and cloak lying on the seat beside him He looked up from his breakfast as Mr Pickwick entered with a fierce and peremptory air which was very dignified and having scrutinised that gentleman and his companions to his entire satisfaction hummed a tune in a manner which seemed to say that he rather suspected somebody wanted to take advantage of him but it wouldnt do Waiter said the gentleman with the whiskers Sir replied a man with a dirty complexion and a towel of the same emerging from the kennel before mentioned Some more toast Yes sir Buttered toast mind said the gentleman fiercely Directly sir replied the waiter The gentleman with the whiskers hummed a tune in the same manner as before and pending the arrival of the toast advanced to the front of the fire and taking his coat tails under his arms looked at his boots and ruminated I wonder whereabouts in Bath this coach puts up said Mr Pickwick mildly addressing Mr Winkle Humehwhats that said the strange man I made an observation to my friend sir replied Mr Pickwick always ready to enter into conversation I wondered at what house the Bath coach put up Perhaps you can inform me Are you going to Bath said the strange man I am sir replied Mr Pickwick And those other gentlemen They are going also said Mr Pickwick Not insideIll be damned if youre going inside said the strange man Not all of us said Mr Pickwick No not all of you said the strange man emphatically Ive taken two places If they try to squeeze six people into an infernal box that only holds four Ill take a postchaise and bring an action Ive paid my fare It wont do I told the clerk when I took my places that it wouldnt do I know these things have been done I know they are done every day but I never was done and I never will be Those who know me best best know it crush me Here the fierce gentleman rang the bell with great violence and told the waiter hed better bring the toast in five seconds or hed know the reason why My good sir said Mr Pickwick you will allow me to observe that this is a very unnecessary display of excitement I have only taken places inside for two I am glad to hear it said the fierce man I withdraw my expressions I tender an apology Theres my card Give me your acquaintance With great pleasure Sir replied Mr Pickwick We are to be fellow travellers and I hope we shall find each others society mutually agreeable I hope we shall said the fierce gentleman I know we shall I like your looks they please me Gentlemen your hands and names Know me Of course an interchange of friendly salutations followed this gracious speech and the fierce gentleman immediately proceeded to inform the friends in the same short abrupt jerking sentences that his name was Dowler that he was going to Bath on pleasure that he was formerly in the army that he had now set up in business as a gentleman that he lived upon the profits and that the individual for whom the second place was taken was a personage no less illustrious than Mrs Dowler his lady wife Shes a fine woman said Mr Dowler I am proud of her I have reason I hope I shall have the pleasure of judging said Mr Pickwick with a smile You shall replied Dowler She shall know you She shall esteem you I courted her under singular circumstances I won her through a rash vow Thus I saw her I loved her I proposed she refused meYou love anotherSpare my blushesI know himYou doVery good if he remains here Ill skin him Lord bless me exclaimed Mr Pickwick involuntarily Did you skin the gentleman Sir inquired Mr Winkle with a very pale face I wrote him a note I said it was a painful thing And so it was Certainly interposed Mr Winkle I said I had pledged my word as a gentleman to skin him My character was at stake I had no alternative As an officer in His Majestys service I was bound to skin him I regretted the necessity but it must be done He was open to conviction He saw that the rules of the service were imperative He fled I married her Heres the coach Thats her head As Mr Dowler concluded he pointed to a stage which had just driven up from the open window of which a rather pretty face in a bright blue bonnet was looking among the crowd on the pavement most probably for the rash man himself Mr Dowler paid his bill and hurried out with his travelling cap coat and cloak and Mr Pickwick and his friends followed to secure their places Mr Tupman and Mr Snodgrass had seated themselves at the back part of the coach Mr Winkle had got inside and Mr Pickwick was preparing to follow him when Sam Weller came up to his master and whispering in his ear begged to speak to him with an air of the deepest mystery Well Sam said Mr Pickwick whats the matter now Heres rayther a rum go sir replied Sam What inquired Mr Pickwick This here Sir rejoined Sam Im wery much afeerd sir that the properiator o this here coach is a playin some imperence vith us How is that Sam said Mr Pickwick arent the names down on the waybill The names is not only down on the vaybill Sir replied Sam but theyve painted vun on em up on the door o the coach As Sam spoke he pointed to that part of the coach door on which the proprietors name usually appears and there sure enough in gilt letters of a goodly size was the magic name of Pickwick Dear me exclaimed Mr Pickwick quite staggered by the coincidence what a very extraordinary thing Yes but that aint all said Sam again directing his masters attention to the coach door not content vith writin up Pickwick they puts Moses afore it vich I call addin insult to injury as the parrot said ven they not only took him from his native land but made him talk the English langwidge arterwards Its odd enough certainly Sam said Mr Pickwick but if we stand talking here we shall lose our places Wot aint nothin to be done in consequence sir exclaimed Sam perfectly aghast at the coolness with which Mr Pickwick prepared to ensconce himself inside Done said Mr Pickwick What should be done Aint nobody to be whopped for takin this here liberty sir said Mr Weller who had expected that at least he would have been commissioned to challenge the guard and the coachman to a pugilistic encounter on the spot Certainly not replied Mr Pickwick eagerly not on any account Jump up to your seat directly I am wery much afeered muttered Sam to himself as he turned away that somethin queers come over the governor or hed never ha stood this so quiet I hope that ere trial hasnt broke his spirit but it looks bad wery bad Mr Weller shook his head gravely and it is worthy of remark as an illustration of the manner in which he took this circumstance to heart that he did not speak another word until the coach reached the Kensington turnpike Which was so long a time for him to remain taciturn that the fact may be considered wholly unprecedented Nothing worthy of special mention occurred during the journey Mr Dowler related a variety of anecdotes all illustrative of his own personal prowess and desperation and appealed to Mrs Dowler in corroboration thereof when Mrs Dowler invariably brought in in the form of an appendix some remarkable fact or circumstance which Mr Dowler had forgotten or had perhaps through modesty omitted for the addenda in every instance went to show that Mr Dowler was even a more wonderful fellow than he made himself out to be Mr Pickwick and Mr Winkle listened with great admiration and at intervals conversed with Mrs Dowler who was a very agreeable and fascinating person So what between Mr Dowlers stories and Mrs Dowlers charms and Mr Pickwicks goodhumour and Mr Winkles good listening the insides contrived to be very companionable all the way The outsides did as outsides always do They were very cheerful and talkative at the beginning of every stage and very dismal and sleepy in the middle and very bright and wakeful again towards the end There was one young gentleman in an Indiarubber cloak who smoked cigars all day and there was another young gentleman in a parody upon a greatcoat who lighted a good many and feeling obviously unsettled after the second whiff threw them away when he thought nobody was looking at him There was a third young man on the box who wished to be learned in cattle and an old one behind who was familiar with farming There was a constant succession of Christian names in smockfrocks and white coats who were invited to have a lift by the guard and who knew every horse and hostler on the road and off it and there was a dinner which would have been cheap at halfacrown a mouth if any moderate number of mouths could have eaten it in the time And at seven oclock PM Mr Pickwick and his friends and Mr Dowler and his wife respectively retired to their private sittingrooms at the White Hart Hotel opposite the Great Pump Room Bath where the waiters from their costume might be mistaken for Westminster boys only they destroy the illusion by behaving themselves much better Breakfast had scarcely been cleared away on the succeeding morning when a waiter brought in Mr Dowlers card with a request to be allowed permission to introduce a friend Mr Dowler at once followed up the delivery of the card by bringing himself and the friend also The friend was a charming young man of not much more than fifty dressed in a very bright blue coat with resplendent buttons black trousers and the thinnest possible pair of highlypolished boots A gold eyeglass was suspended from his neck by a short broad black ribbon a gold snuffbox was lightly clasped in his left hand gold rings innumerable glittered on his fingers and a large diamond pin set in gold glistened in his shirt frill He had a gold watch and a gold curb chain with large gold seals and he carried a pliant ebony cane with a gold top His linen was of the very whitest finest and stiffest his wig of the glossiest blackest and curliest His snuff was princes mixture his scent bouquet du roi His features were contracted into a perpetual smile and his teeth were in such perfect order that it was difficult at a small distance to tell the real from the false Mr Pickwick said Mr Dowler my friend Angelo Cyrus Bantam Esquire MC Bantam Mr Pickwick Know each other Welcome to Baath Sir This is indeed an acquisition Most welcome to Baath sir It is longvery long Mr Pickwick since you drank the waters It appears an age Mr Pickwick Remarkable Such were the expressions with which Angelo Cyrus Bantam Esquire MC took Mr Pickwicks hand retaining it in his meantime and shrugging up his shoulders with a constant succession of bows as if he really could not make up his mind to the trial of letting it go again It is a very long time since I drank the waters certainly replied Mr Pickwick for to the best of my knowledge I was never here before Never in Baath Mr Pickwick exclaimed the Grand Master letting the hand fall in astonishment Never in Baath He he Mr Pickwick you are a wag Not bad not bad Good good He he he Remarkable To my shame I must say that I am perfectly serious rejoined Mr Pickwick I really never was here before Oh I see exclaimed the Grand Master looking extremely pleased yes yesgood goodbetter and better You are the gentleman of whom we have heard Yes we know you Mr Pickwick we know you The reports of the trial in those confounded papers thought Mr Pickwick They have heard all about me You are the gentleman residing on Clapham Green resumed Bantam who lost the use of his limbs from imprudently taking cold after port wine who could not be moved in consequence of acute suffering and who had the water from the kings bath bottled at one hundred and three degrees and sent by wagon to his bedroom in town where he bathed sneezed and the same day recovered Very remarkable Mr Pickwick acknowledged the compliment which the supposition implied but had the selfdenial to repudiate it notwithstanding and taking advantage of a moments silence on the part of the MC begged to introduce his friends Mr Tupman Mr Winkle and Mr Snodgrass An introduction which overwhelmed the MC with delight and honour Bantam said Mr Dowler Mr Pickwick and his friends are strangers They must put their names down Wheres the book The register of the distinguished visitors in Baath will be at the Pump Room this morning at two oclock replied the MC Will you guide our friends to that splendid building and enable me to procure their autographs I will rejoined Dowler This is a long call Its time to go I shall be here again in an hour Come This is a ballnight said the MC again taking Mr Pickwicks hand as he rose to go The ballnights in Baath are moments snatched from paradise rendered bewitching by music beauty elegance fashion etiquette andandabove all by the absence of tradespeople who are quite inconsistent with paradise and who have an amalgamation of themselves at the Guildhall every fortnight which is to say the least remarkable Goodbye goodbye and protesting all the way downstairs that he was most satisfied and most delighted and most overpowered and most flattered Angelo Cyrus Bantam Esquire MC stepped into a very elegant chariot that waited at the door and rattled off At the appointed hour Mr Pickwick and his friends escorted by Dowler repaired to the Assembly Rooms and wrote their names down in the book an instance of condescension at which Angelo Bantam was even more overpowered than before Tickets of admission to that evenings assembly were to have been prepared for the whole party but as they were not ready Mr Pickwick undertook despite all the protestations to the contrary of Angelo Bantam to send Sam for them at four oclock in the afternoon to the MCs house in Queen Square Having taken a short walk through the city and arrived at the unanimous conclusion that Park Street was very much like the perpendicular streets a man sees in a dream which he cannot get up for the life of him they returned to the White Hart and despatched Sam on the errand to which his master had pledged him Sam Weller put on his hat in a very easy and graceful manner and thrusting his hands in his waistcoat pockets walked with great deliberation to Queen Square whistling as he went along several of the most popular airs of the day as arranged with entirely new movements for that noble instrument the organ either mouth or barrel Arriving at the number in Queen Square to which he had been directed he left off whistling and gave a cheerful knock which was instantaneously answered by a powderedheaded footman in gorgeous livery and of symmetrical stature Is this here Mr Bantams old feller inquired Sam Weller nothing abashed by the blaze of splendour which burst upon his sight in the person of the powderedheaded footman with the gorgeous livery Why young man was the haughty inquiry of the powderedheaded footman Cos if it is jist you step in to him with that ere card and say Mr Vellers awaitin will you said Sam And saying it he very coolly walked into the hall and sat down The powderedheaded footman slammed the door very hard and scowled very grandly but both the slam and the scowl were lost upon Sam who was regarding a mahogany umbrellastand with every outward token of critical approval Apparently his masters reception of the card had impressed the powderedheaded footman in Sams favour for when he came back from delivering it he smiled in a friendly manner and said that the answer would be ready directly Wery good said Sam Tell the old genlmn not to put himself in a perspiration No hurry sixfoot Ive had my dinner You dine early sir said the powderedheaded footman I find I gets on better at supper when I does replied Sam Have you been long in Bath sir inquired the powderedheaded footman I have not had the pleasure of hearing of you before I havent created any wery surprisin sensation here as yet rejoined Sam for me and the other fashnables only come last night Nice place Sir said the powderedheaded footman Seems so observed Sam Pleasant society sir remarked the powderedheaded footman Very agreeable servants sir I should think they wos replied Sam Affable unaffected say nothintonobody sorts o fellers Oh very much so indeed sir said the powderedheaded footman taking Sams remarks as a high compliment Very much so indeed Do you do anything in this way Sir inquired the tall footman producing a small snuffbox with a foxs head on the top of it Not without sneezing replied Sam Why it is difficult sir I confess said the tall footman It may be done by degrees Sir Coffee is the best practice I carried coffee Sir for a long time It looks very like rappee sir Here a sharp peal at the bell reduced the powderedheaded footman to the ignominious necessity of putting the foxs head in his pocket and hastening with a humble countenance to Mr Bantams study By the bye who ever knew a man who never read or wrote either who hadnt got some small back parlour which he would call a study There is the answer sir said the powderedheaded footman Im afraid youll find it inconveniently large Dont mention it said Sam taking a letter with a small enclosure Its just possible as exhausted natur may manage to surwive it I hope we shall meet again Sir said the powderedheaded footman rubbing his hands and following Sam out to the doorstep You are wery obligin sir replied Sam Now dont allow yourself to be fatigued beyond your powers theres a amiable bein Consider what you owe to society and dont let yourself be injured by too much work For the sake o your fellercreeturs keep yourself as quiet as you can only think what a loss you would be With these pathetic words Sam Weller departed A very singular young man that said the powderedheaded footman looking after Mr Weller with a countenance which clearly showed he could make nothing of him Sam said nothing at all He winked shook his head smiled winked again and with an expression of countenance which seemed to denote that he was greatly amused with something or other walked merrily away At precisely twenty minutes before eight oclock that night Angelo Cyrus Bantam Esq the Master of the Ceremonies emerged from his chariot at the door of the Assembly Rooms in the same wig the same teeth the same eyeglass the same watch and seals the same rings the same shirtpin and the same cane The only observable alterations in his appearance were that he wore a brighter blue coat with a white silk lining black tights black silk stockings and pumps and a white waistcoat and was if possible just a thought more scented Thus attired the Master of the Ceremonies in strict discharge of the important duties of his allimportant office planted himself in the room to receive the company Bath being full the company and the sixpences for tea poured in in shoals In the ballroom the long cardroom the octagonal cardroom the staircases and the passages the hum of many voices and the sound of many feet were perfectly bewildering Dresses rustled feathers waved lights shone and jewels sparkled There was the musicnot of the quadrille band for it had not yet commenced but the music of soft tiny footsteps with now and then a clear merry laughlow and gentle but very pleasant to hear in a female voice whether in Bath or elsewhere Brilliant eyes lighted up with pleasurable expectation gleamed from every side and look where you would some exquisite form glided gracefully through the throng and was no sooner lost than it was replaced by another as dainty and bewitching In the tearoom and hovering round the cardtables were a vast number of queer old ladies and decrepit old gentlemen discussing all the small talk and scandal of the day with a relish and gusto which sufficiently bespoke the intensity of the pleasure they derived from the occupation Mingled with these groups were three or four matchmaking mammas appearing to be wholly absorbed by the conversation in which they were taking part but failing not from time to time to cast an anxious sidelong glance upon their daughters who remembering the maternal injunction to make the best use of their youth had already commenced incipient flirtations in the mislaying scarves putting on gloves setting down cups and so forth slight matters apparently but which may be turned to surprisingly good account by expert practitioners Lounging near the doors and in remote corners were various knots of silly young men displaying various varieties of puppyism and stupidity amusing all sensible people near them with their folly and conceit and happily thinking themselves the objects of general admirationa wise and merciful dispensation which no good man will quarrel with And lastly seated on some of the back benches where they had already taken up their positions for the evening were divers unmarried ladies past their grand climacteric who not dancing because there were no partners for them and not playing cards lest they should be set down as irretrievably single were in the favourable situation of being able to abuse everybody without reflecting on themselves In short they could abuse everybody because everybody was there It was a scene of gaiety glitter and show of richlydressed people handsome mirrors chalked floors girandoles and waxcandles and in all parts of the scene gliding from spot to spot in silent softness bowing obsequiously to this party nodding familiarly to that and smiling complacently on all was the sprucelyattired person of Angelo Cyrus Bantam Esquire the Master of the Ceremonies Stop in the tearoom Take your sixpennorth Then lay on hot water and call it tea Drink it said Mr Dowler in a loud voice directing Mr Pickwick who advanced at the head of the little party with Mrs Dowler on his arm Into the tearoom Mr Pickwick turned and catching sight of him Mr Bantam corkscrewed his way through the crowd and welcomed him with ecstasy My dear Sir I am highly honoured Baath is favoured Mrs Dowler you embellish the rooms I congratulate you on your feathers Re markable Anybody here inquired Dowler suspiciously Anybody The elite of Baath Mr Pickwick do you see the old lady in the gauze turban The fat old lady inquired Mr Pickwick innocently Hush my dear sirnobodys fat or old in Baath Thats the Dowager Lady Snuphanuph Is it indeed said Mr Pickwick No less a person I assure you said the Master of the Ceremonies Hush Draw a little nearer Mr Pickwick You see the splendidly dressed young man coming this way The one with the long hair and the particularly small forehead inquired Mr Pickwick The same The richest young man in Baath at this moment Young Lord Mutanhed You dont say so said Mr Pickwick Yes Youll hear his voice in a moment Mr Pickwick Hell speak to me The other gentleman with him in the red underwaistcoat and dark moustache is the Honourable Mr Crushton his bosom friend How do you do my Lord Veway hot Bantam said his Lordship It is very warm my Lord replied the MC Confounded assented the Honourable Mr Crushton Have you seen his Lordships mailcart Bantam inquired the Honourable Mr Crushton after a short pause during which young Lord Mutanhed had been endeavouring to stare Mr Pickwick out of countenance and Mr Crushton had been reflecting what subject his Lordship could talk about best Dear me no replied the MC A mailcart What an excellent idea Remarkable Gwacious heavens said his Lordship I thought evewebody had seen the new mailcart its the neatest pwettiest gwacefullest thing that ever wan upon wheels Painted wed with a cweam piebald With a real box for the letters and all complete said the Honourable Mr Crushton And a little seat in fwont with an iwon wail for the dwiver added his Lordship I dwove it over to Bwistol the other morning in a cwimson coat with two servants widing a quarter of a mile behind and confound me if the people didnt wush out of their cottages and awest my pwogwess to know if I wasnt the post Glorwiousglorwious At this anecdote his Lordship laughed very heartily as did the listeners of course Then drawing his arm through that of the obsequious Mr Crushton Lord Mutanhed walked away Delightful young man his Lordship said the Master of the Ceremonies So I should think rejoined Mr Pickwick drily The dancing having commenced the necessary introductions having been made and all preliminaries arranged Angelo Bantam rejoined Mr Pickwick and led him into the cardroom Just at the very moment of their entrance the Dowager Lady Snuphanuph and two other ladies of an ancient and whistlike appearance were hovering over an unoccupied cardtable and they no sooner set eyes upon Mr Pickwick under the convoy of Angelo Bantam than they exchanged glances with each other seeing that he was precisely the very person they wanted to make up the rubber My dear Bantam said the Dowager Lady Snuphanuph coaxingly find us some nice creature to make up this table theres a good soul Mr Pickwick happened to be looking another way at the moment so her Ladyship nodded her head towards him and frowned expressively My friend Mr Pickwick my Lady will be most happy I am sure remarkably so said the MC taking the hint Mr Pickwick Lady SnuphanuphMrs Colonel WugsbyMiss Bolo Mr Pickwick bowed to each of the ladies and finding escape impossible cut Mr Pickwick and Miss Bolo against Lady Snuphanuph and Mrs Colonel Wugsby As the trump card was turned up at the commencement of the second deal two young ladies hurried into the room and took their stations on either side of Mrs Colonel Wugsbys chair where they waited patiently until the hand was over Now Jane said Mrs Colonel Wugsby turning to one of the girls what is it I came to ask ma whether I might dance with the youngest Mr Crawley whispered the prettier and younger of the two Good God Jane how can you think of such things replied the mamma indignantly Havent you repeatedly heard that his father has eight hundred a year which dies with him I am ashamed of you Not on any account Ma whispered the other who was much older than her sister and very insipid and artificial Lord Mutanhed has been introduced to me I said I thought I wasnt engaged ma Youre a sweet pet my love replied Mrs Colonel Wugsby tapping her daughters cheek with her fan and are always to be trusted Hes immensely rich my dear Bless you With these words Mrs Colonel Wugsby kissed her eldest daughter most affectionately and frowning in a warning manner upon the other sorted her cards Poor Mr Pickwick he had never played with three thoroughpaced female cardplayers before They were so desperately sharp that they quite frightened him If he played a wrong card Miss Bolo looked a small armoury of daggers if he stopped to consider which was the right one Lady Snuphanuph would throw herself back in her chair and smile with a mingled glance of impatience and pity to Mrs Colonel Wugsby at which Mrs Colonel Wugsby would shrug up her shoulders and cough as much as to say she wondered whether he ever would begin Then at the end of every hand Miss Bolo would inquire with a dismal countenance and reproachful sigh why Mr Pickwick had not returned that diamond or led the club or roughed the spade or finessed the heart or led through the honour or brought out the ace or played up to the king or some such thing and in reply to all these grave charges Mr Pickwick would be wholly unable to plead any justification whatever having by this time forgotten all about the game People came and looked on too which made Mr Pickwick nervous Besides all this there was a great deal of distracting conversation near the table between Angelo Bantam and the two Misses Matinter who being single and singular paid great court to the Master of the Ceremonies in the hope of getting a stray partner now and then All these things combined with the noises and interruptions of constant comings in and goings out made Mr Pickwick play rather badly the cards were against him also and when they left off at ten minutes past eleven Miss Bolo rose from the table considerably agitated and went straight home in a flood of tears and a sedanchair Being joined by his friends who one and all protested that they had scarcely ever spent a more pleasant evening Mr Pickwick accompanied them to the White Hart and having soothed his feelings with something hot went to bed and to sleep almost simultaneously CHAPTER XXXVI THE CHIEF FEATURES OF WHICH WILL BE FOUND TO BE AN AUTHENTIC VERSION OF THE LEGEND OF PRINCE BLADUD AND A MOST EXTRAORDINARY CALAMITY THAT BEFELL MR WINKLE As Mr Pickwick contemplated a stay of at least two months in Bath he deemed it advisable to take private lodgings for himself and friends for that period and as a favourable opportunity offered for their securing on moderate terms the upper portion of a house in the Royal Crescent which was larger than they required Mr and Mrs Dowler offered to relieve them of a bedroom and sittingroom This proposition was at once accepted and in three days time they were all located in their new abode when Mr Pickwick began to drink the waters with the utmost assiduity Mr Pickwick took them systematically He drank a quarter of a pint before breakfast and then walked up a hill and another quarter of a pint after breakfast and then walked down a hill and after every fresh quarter of a pint Mr Pickwick declared in the most solemn and emphatic terms that he felt a great deal better whereat his friends were very much delighted though they had not been previously aware that there was anything the matter with him The Great Pump Room is a spacious saloon ornamented with Corinthian pillars and a musicgallery and a Tompion clock and a statue of Nash and a golden inscription to which all the waterdrinkers should attend for it appeals to them in the cause of a deserving charity There is a large bar with a marble vase out of which the pumper gets the water and there are a number of yellowlooking tumblers out of which the company get it and it is a most edifying and satisfactory sight to behold the perseverance and gravity with which they swallow it There are baths near at hand in which a part of the company wash themselves and a band plays afterwards to congratulate the remainder on their having done so There is another pump room into which infirm ladies and gentlemen are wheeled in such an astonishing variety of chairs and chaises that any adventurous individual who goes in with the regular number of toes is in imminent danger of coming out without them and there is a third into which the quiet people go for it is less noisy than either There is an immensity of promenading on crutches and off with sticks and without and a great deal of conversation and liveliness and pleasantry Every morning the regular waterdrinkers Mr Pickwick among the number met each other in the pump room took their quarter of a pint and walked constitutionally At the afternoons promenade Lord Mutanhed and the Honourable Mr Crushton the Dowager Lady Snuphanuph Mrs Colonel Wugsby and all the great people and all the morning waterdrinkers met in grand assemblage After this they walked out or drove out or were pushed out in bathchairs and met one another again After this the gentlemen went to the readingrooms and met divisions of the mass After this they went home If it were theatrenight perhaps they met at the theatre if it were assemblynight they met at the rooms and if it were neither they met the next day A very pleasant routine with perhaps a slight tinge of sameness Mr Pickwick was sitting up by himself after a day spent in this manner making entries in his journal his friends having retired to bed when he was roused by a gentle tap at the room door Beg your pardon Sir said Mrs Craddock the landlady peeping in but did you want anything more sir Nothing more maam replied Mr Pickwick My young girl is gone to bed Sir said Mrs Craddock and Mr Dowler is good enough to say that hell sit up for Mrs Dowler as the party isnt expected to be over till late so I was thinking that if you wanted nothing more Mr Pickwick I would go to bed By all means maam replied Mr Pickwick Wish you goodnight Sir said Mrs Craddock Goodnight maam rejoined Mr Pickwick Mrs Craddock closed the door and Mr Pickwick resumed his writing In half an hours time the entries were concluded Mr Pickwick carefully rubbed the last page on the blottingpaper shut up the book wiped his pen on the bottom of the inside of his coat tail and opened the drawer of the inkstand to put it carefully away There were a couple of sheets of writingpaper pretty closely written over in the inkstand drawer and they were folded so that the title which was in a good round hand was fully disclosed to him Seeing from this that it was no private document and as it seemed to relate to Bath and was very short Mr Pickwick unfolded it lighted his bedroom candle that it might burn up well by the time he finished and drawing his chair nearer the fire read as follows THE TRUE LEGEND OF PRINCE BLADUD Less than two hundred years ago on one of the public baths in this city there appeared an inscription in honour of its mighty founder the renowned Prince Bladud That inscription is now erased For many hundred years before that time there had been handed down from age to age an old legend that the illustrious prince being afflicted with leprosy on his return from reaping a rich harvest of knowledge in Athens shunned the court of his royal father and consorted moodily with husbandman and pigs Among the herd so said the legend was a pig of grave and solemn countenance with whom the prince had a fellowfeelingfor he too was wisea pig of thoughtful and reserved demeanour an animal superior to his fellows whose grunt was terrible and whose bite was sharp The young prince sighed deeply as he looked upon the countenance of the majestic swine he thought of his royal father and his eyes were bedewed with tears This sagacious pig was fond of bathing in rich moist mud Not in summer as common pigs do now to cool themselves and did even in those distant ages which is a proof that the light of civilisation had already begun to dawn though feebly but in the cold sharp days of winter His coat was ever so sleek and his complexion so clear that the prince resolved to essay the purifying qualities of the same water that his friend resorted to He made the trial Beneath that black mud bubbled the hot springs of Bath He washed and was cured Hastening to his fathers court he paid his best respects and returning quickly hither founded this city and its famous baths He sought the pig with all the ardour of their early friendshipbut alas the waters had been his death He had imprudently taken a bath at too high a temperature and the natural philosopher was no more He was succeeded by Pliny who also fell a victim to his thirst for knowledge This was the legend Listen to the true one A great many centuries since there flourished in great state the famous and renowned Lud Hudibras king of Britain He was a mighty monarch The earth shook when he walkedhe was so very stout His people basked in the light of his countenanceit was so red and glowing He was indeed every inch a king And there were a good many inches of him too for although he was not very tall he was a remarkable size round and the inches that he wanted in height he made up in circumference If any degenerate monarch of modern times could be in any way compared with him I should say the venerable King Cole would be that illustrious potentate This good king had a queen who eighteen years before had had a son who was called Bladud He was sent to a preparatory seminary in his fathers dominions until he was ten years old and was then despatched in charge of a trusty messenger to a finishing school at Athens and as there was no extra charge for remaining during the holidays and no notice required previous to the removal of a pupil there he remained for eight long years at the expiration of which time the king his father sent the lord chamberlain over to settle the bill and to bring him home which the lord chamberlain doing was received with shouts and pensioned immediately When King Lud saw the prince his son and found he had grown up such a fine young man he perceived what a grand thing it would be to have him married without delay so that his children might be the means of perpetuating the glorious race of Lud down to the very latest ages of the world With this view he sent a special embassy composed of great noblemen who had nothing particular to do and wanted lucrative employment to a neighbouring king and demanded his fair daughter in marriage for his son stating at the same time that he was anxious to be on the most affectionate terms with his brother and friend but that if they couldnt agree in arranging this marriage he should be under the unpleasant necessity of invading his kingdom and putting his eyes out To this the other king who was the weaker of the two replied that he was very much obliged to his friend and brother for all his goodness and magnanimity and that his daughter was quite ready to be married whenever Prince Bladud liked to come and fetch her This answer no sooner reached Britain than the whole nation was transported with joy Nothing was heard on all sides but the sounds of feasting and revelryexcept the chinking of money as it was paid in by the people to the collector of the royal treasures to defray the expenses of the happy ceremony It was upon this occasion that King Lud seated on the top of his throne in full council rose in the exuberance of his feelings and commanded the lord chief justice to order in the richest wines and the court minstrelsan act of graciousness which has been through the ignorance of traditionary historians attributed to King Cole in those celebrated lines in which his Majesty is represented as Calling for his pipe and calling for his pot And calling for his fiddlers three Which is an obvious injustice to the memory of King Lud and a dishonest exaltation of the virtues of King Cole But in the midst of all this festivity and rejoicing there was one individual present who tasted not when the sparkling wines were poured forth and who danced not when the minstrels played This was no other than Prince Bladud himself in honour of whose happiness a whole people were at that very moment straining alike their throats and purse strings The truth was that the prince forgetting the undoubted right of the minister for foreign affairs to fall in love on his behalf had contrary to every precedent of policy and diplomacy already fallen in love on his own account and privately contracted himself unto the fair daughter of a noble Athenian Here we have a striking example of one of the manifold advantages of civilisation and refinement If the prince had lived in later days he might at once have married the object of his fathers choice and then set himself seriously to work to relieve himself of the burden which rested heavily upon him He might have endeavoured to break her heart by a systematic course of insult and neglect or if the spirit of her sex and a proud consciousness of her many wrongs had upheld her under this illtreatment he might have sought to take her life and so get rid of her effectually But neither mode of relief suggested itself to Prince Bladud so he solicited a private audience and told his father It is an old prerogative of kings to govern everything but their passions King Lud flew into a frightful rage tossed his crown up to the ceiling and caught it againfor in those days kings kept their crowns on their heads and not in the Towerstamped the ground rapped his forehead wondered why his own flesh and blood rebelled against him and finally calling in his guards ordered the prince away to instant Confinement in a lofty turret a course of treatment which the kings of old very generally pursued towards their sons when their matrimonial inclinations did not happen to point to the same quarter as their own When Prince Bladud had been shut up in the lofty turret for the greater part of a year with no better prospect before his bodily eyes than a stone wall or before his mental vision than prolonged imprisonment he naturally began to ruminate on a plan of escape which after months of preparation he managed to accomplish considerately leaving his dinner knife in the heart of his jailer lest the poor fellow who had a family should be considered privy to his flight and punished accordingly by the infuriated king The monarch was frantic at the loss of his son He knew not on whom to vent his grief and wrath until fortunately bethinking himself of the lord chamberlain who had brought him home he struck off his pension and his head together Meanwhile the young prince effectually disguised wandered on foot through his fathers dominions cheered and supported in all his hardships by sweet thoughts of the Athenian maid who was the innocent cause of his weary trials One day he stopped to rest in a country village and seeing that there were gay dances going forward on the green and gay faces passing to and fro ventured to inquire of a reveller who stood near him the reason for this rejoicing Know you not O stranger was the reply of the recent proclamation of our gracious king Proclamation No What proclamation rejoined the princefor he had travelled along the by and littlefrequented ways and knew nothing of what had passed upon the public roads such as they were Why replied the peasant the foreign lady that our prince wished to wed is married to a foreign noble of her own country and the king proclaims the fact and a great public festival besides for now of course Prince Bladud will come back and marry the lady his father chose who they say is as beautiful as the noonday sun Your health sir God save the king The prince remained to hear no more He fled from the spot and plunged into the thickest recesses of a neighbouring wood On on he wandered night and day beneath the blazing sun and the cold pale moon through the dry heat of noon and the damp cold of night in the gray light of morn and the red glare of eve So heedless was he of time or object that being bound for Athens he wandered as far out of his way as Bath There was no city where Bath stands then There was no vestige of human habitation or sign of mans resort to bear the name but there was the same noble country the same broad expanse of hill and dale the same beautiful channel stealing on far away the same lofty mountains which like the troubles of life viewed at a distance and partially obscured by the bright mist of its morning lose their ruggedness and asperity and seem all ease and softness Moved by the gentle beauty of the scene the prince sank upon the green turf and bathed his swollen feet in his tears Oh said the unhappy Bladud clasping his hands and mournfully raising his eyes towards the sky would that my wanderings might end here Would that these grateful tears with which I now mourn hope misplaced and love despised might flow in peace for ever The wish was heard It was in the time of the heathen deities who used occasionally to take people at their words with a promptness in some cases extremely awkward The ground opened beneath the princes feet he sank into the chasm and instantaneously it closed upon his head for ever save where his hot tears welled up through the earth and where they have continued to gush forth ever since It is observable that to this day large numbers of elderly ladies and gentlemen who have been disappointed in procuring partners and almost as many young ones who are anxious to obtain them repair annually to Bath to drink the waters from which they derive much strength and comfort This is most complimentary to the virtue of Prince Bladuds tears and strongly corroborative of the veracity of this legend Mr Pickwick yawned several times when he had arrived at the end of this little manuscript carefully refolded and replaced it in the inkstand drawer and then with a countenance expressive of the utmost weariness lighted his chamber candle and went upstairs to bed He stopped at Mr Dowlers door according to custom and knocked to say goodnight Ah said Dowler going to bed I wish I was Dismal night Windy isnt it Very said Mr Pickwick Goodnight Goodnight Mr Pickwick went to his bedchamber and Mr Dowler resumed his seat before the fire in fulfilment of his rash promise to sit up till his wife came home There are few things more worrying than sitting up for somebody especially if that somebody be at a party You cannot help thinking how quickly the time passes with them which drags so heavily with you and the more you think of this the more your hopes of their speedy arrival decline Clocks tick so loud too when you are sitting up alone and you seem as if you had an undergarment of cobwebs on First something tickles your right knee and then the same sensation irritates your left You have no sooner changed your position than it comes again in the arms when you have fidgeted your limbs into all sorts of queer shapes you have a sudden relapse in the nose which you rub as if to rub it offas there is no doubt you would if you could Eyes too are mere personal inconveniences and the wick of one candle gets an inch and a half long while you are snuffing the other These and various other little nervous annoyances render sitting up for a length of time after everybody else has gone to bed anything but a cheerful amusement This was just Mr Dowlers opinion as he sat before the fire and felt honestly indignant with all the inhuman people at the party who were keeping him up He was not put into better humour either by the reflection that he had taken it into his head early in the evening to think he had got an ache there and so stopped at home At length after several droppings asleep and fallings forward towards the bars and catchings backward soon enough to prevent being branded in the face Mr Dowler made up his mind that he would throw himself on the bed in the back room and thinknot sleep of course Im a heavy sleeper said Mr Dowler as he flung himself on the bed I must keep awake I suppose I shall hear a knock here Yes I thought so I can hear the watchman There he goes Fainter now though A little fainter Hes turning the corner Ah When Mr Dowler arrived at this point he turned the corner at which he had been long hesitating and fell fast asleep Just as the clock struck three there was blown into the crescent a sedanchair with Mrs Dowler inside borne by one short fat chairman and one long thin one who had had much ado to keep their bodies perpendicular to say nothing of the chair But on that high ground and in the crescent which the wind swept round and round as if it were going to tear the paving stones up its fury was tremendous They were very glad to set the chair down and give a good round loud doubleknock at the street door They waited some time but nobody came Servants is in the arms o Porpus I think said the short chairman warming his hands at the attendant linkboys torch I wish hed give em a squeeze and wake em observed the long one Knock again will you if you please cried Mrs Dowler from the chair Knock two or three times if you please The short man was quite willing to get the job over as soon as possible so he stood on the step and gave four or five most startling doubleknocks of eight or ten knocks apiece while the long man went into the road and looked up at the windows for a light Nobody came It was all as silent and dark as ever Dear me said Mrs Dowler You must knock again if you please There aint a bell is there maam said the short chairman Yes there is interposed the linkboy Ive been aringing at it ever so long Its only a handle said Mrs Dowler the wires broken I wish the servants heads wos growled the long man I must trouble you to knock again if you please said Mrs Dowler with the utmost politeness The short man did knock again several times without producing the smallest effect The tall man growing very impatient then relieved him and kept on perpetually knocking doubleknocks of two loud knocks each like an insane postman At length Mr Winkle began to dream that he was at a club and that the members being very refractory the chairman was obliged to hammer the table a good deal to preserve order then he had a confused notion of an auction room where there were no bidders and the auctioneer was buying everything in and ultimately he began to think it just within the bounds of possibility that somebody might be knocking at the street door To make quite certain however he remained quiet in bed for ten minutes or so and listened and when he had counted two or threeand thirty knocks he felt quite satisfied and gave himself a great deal of credit for being so wakeful Rap raprap raprap rapra ra ra ra ra rap went the knocker Mr Winkle jumped out of bed wondering very much what could possibly be the matter and hastily putting on his stockings and slippers folded his dressinggown round him lighted a flat candle from the rushlight that was burning in the fireplace and hurried downstairs Heres somebody comin at last maam said the short chairman I wish I wos behind him vith a bradawl muttered the long one Whos there cried Mr Winkle undoing the chain Dont stop to ask questions castiron head replied the long man with great disgust taking it for granted that the inquirer was a footman but open the door Come look sharp timber eyelids added the other encouragingly Mr Winkle being half asleep obeyed the command mechanically opened the door a little and peeped out The first thing he saw was the red glare of the linkboys torch Startled by the sudden fear that the house might be on fire he hastily threw the door wide open and holding the candle above his head stared eagerly before him not quite certain whether what he saw was a sedanchair or a fireengine At this instant there came a violent gust of wind the light was blown out Mr Winkle felt himself irresistibly impelled on to the steps and the door blew to with a loud crash Well young man now you have done it said the short chairman Mr Winkle catching sight of a ladys face at the window of the sedan turned hastily round plied the knocker with all his might and main and called frantically upon the chairman to take the chair away again Take it away take it away cried Mr Winkle Heres somebody coming out of another house put me into the chair Hide me Do something with me All this time he was shivering with cold and every time he raised his hand to the knocker the wind took the dressinggown in a most unpleasant manner The people are coming down the crescent now There are ladies with em cover me up with something Stand before me roared Mr Winkle But the chairmen were too much exhausted with laughing to afford him the slightest assistance and the ladies were every moment approaching nearer and nearer Mr Winkle gave a last hopeless knock the ladies were only a few doors off He threw away the extinguished candle which all this time he had held above his head and fairly bolted into the sedanchair where Mrs Dowler was Now Mrs Craddock had heard the knocking and the voices at last and only waiting to put something smarter on her head than her nightcap ran down into the front drawingroom to make sure that it was the right party Throwing up the windowsash as Mr Winkle was rushing into the chair she no sooner caught sight of what was going forward below than she raised a vehement and dismal shriek and implored Mr Dowler to get up directly for his wife was running away with another gentleman Upon this Mr Dowler bounced off the bed as abruptly as an Indiarubber ball and rushing into the front room arrived at one window just as Mr Pickwick threw up the other when the first object that met the gaze of both was Mr Winkle bolting into the sedanchair Watchman shouted Dowler furiously stop himhold himkeep him tightshut him in till I come down Ill cut his throatgive me a knifefrom ear to ear Mrs CraddockI will And breaking from the shrieking landlady and from Mr Pickwick the indignant husband seized a small supperknife and tore into the street But Mr Winkle didnt wait for him He no sooner heard the horrible threat of the valorous Dowler than he bounced out of the sedan quite as quickly as he had bounced in and throwing off his slippers into the road took to his heels and tore round the crescent hotly pursued by Dowler and the watchman He kept ahead the door was open as he came round the second time he rushed in slammed it in Dowlers face mounted to his bedroom locked the door piled a washhandstand chest of drawers and a table against it and packed up a few necessaries ready for flight with the first ray of morning Dowler came up to the outside of the door avowed through the keyhole his steadfast determination of cutting Mr Winkles throat next day and after a great confusion of voices in the drawingroom amidst which that of Mr Pickwick was distinctly heard endeavouring to make peace the inmates dispersed to their several bedchambers and all was quiet once more It is not unlikely that the inquiry may be made where Mr Weller was all this time We will state where he was in the next chapter CHAPTER XXXVII HONOURABLY ACCOUNTS FOR MR WELLERS ABSENCE BY DESCRIBING A SOIREE TO WHICH HE WAS INVITED AND WENT ALSO RELATES HOW HE WAS ENTRUSTED BY MR PICKWICK WITH A PRIVATE MISSION OF DELICACY AND IMPORTANCE Mr Weller said Mrs Craddock upon the morning of this very eventful day heres a letter for you Wery odd that said Sam Im afeerd there must be somethin the matter for I dont recollect any genlmn in my circle of acquaintance as is capable o writin one Perhaps something uncommon has taken place observed Mrs Craddock It must be somethin wery uncommon indeed as could perduce a letter out o any friend o mine replied Sam shaking his head dubiously nothin less than a natral conwulsion as the young genlmn observed ven he wos took with fits It cant be from the govner said Sam looking at the direction He always prints I know cos he learnt writin from the large bills in the bookingoffices Its a wery strange thing now where this here letter can ha come from As Sam said this he did what a great many people do when they are uncertain about the writer of a notelooked at the seal and then at the front and then at the back and then at the sides and then at the superscription and as a last resource thought perhaps he might as well look at the inside and try to find out from that Its wrote on giltedged paper said Sam as he unfolded it and sealed in bronze vax vith the top of a door key Now for it And with a very grave face Mr Weller slowly read as follows A select company of the Bath footmen presents their compliments to Mr Weller and requests the pleasure of his company this evening to a friendly swarry consisting of a boiled leg of mutton with the usual trimmings The swarry to be on table at halfpast nine oclock punctually This was inclosed in another note which ran thus Mr John Smauker the gentleman who had the pleasure of meeting Mr Weller at the house of their mutual acquaintance Mr Bantam a few days since begs to inclose Mr Weller the herewith invitation If Mr Weller will call on Mr John Smauker at nine oclock Mr John Smauker will have the pleasure of introducing Mr Weller Signed John Smauker The envelope was directed to blank Weller Esq at Mr Pickwicks and in a parenthesis in the left hand corner were the words airy bell as an instruction to the bearer Vell said Sam this is comin it rayther powerful this is I never heerd a biled leg o mutton called a swarry afore I wonder wot theyd call a roast one However without waiting to debate the point Sam at once betook himself into the presence of Mr Pickwick and requested leave of absence for that evening which was readily granted With this permission and the streetdoor key Sam Weller issued forth a little before the appointed time and strolled leisurely towards Queen Square which he no sooner gained than he had the satisfaction of beholding Mr John Smauker leaning his powdered head against a lamppost at a short distance off smoking a cigar through an amber tube How do you do Mr Weller said Mr John Smauker raising his hat gracefully with one hand while he gently waved the other in a condescending manner How do you do Sir Why reasonably conwalessent replied Sam How do you find yourself my dear feller Only so so said Mr John Smauker Ah youve been aworkin too hard observed Sam I was fearful you would it wont do you know you must not give way to that ere uncompromisin spirit o yourn Its not so much that Mr Weller replied Mr John Smauker as bad wine Im afraid Ive been dissipating Oh thats it is it said Sam thats a wery bad complaint that And yet the temptation you see Mr Weller observed Mr John Smauker Ah to be sure said Sam Plunged into the very vortex of society you know Mr Weller said Mr John Smauker with a sigh Dreadful indeed rejoined Sam But its always the way said Mr John Smauker if your destiny leads you into public life and public station you must expect to be subjected to temptations which other people is free from Mr Weller Precisely what my uncle said ven he vent into the public line remarked Sam and wery right the old genlmn wos for he drank hisself to death in somethin less than a quarter Mr John Smauker looked deeply indignant at any parallel being drawn between himself and the deceased gentleman in question but as Sams face was in the most immovable state of calmness he thought better of it and looked affable again Perhaps we had better be walking said Mr Smauker consulting a copper timepiece which dwelt at the bottom of a deep watchpocket and was raised to the surface by means of a black string with a copper key at the other end Praps we had replied Sam or theyll overdo the swarry and thatll spile it Have you drank the waters Mr Weller inquired his companion as they walked towards High Street Once replied Sam What did you think of em Sir I thought they was particklery unpleasant replied Sam Ah said Mr John Smauker you disliked the killibeate taste perhaps I dont know much about that ere said Sam I thought theyd a wery strong flavour o warm flat irons That is the killibeate Mr Weller observed Mr John Smauker contemptuously Well if it is its a wery inexpressive word thats all said Sam It may be but I aint much in the chimical line myself so I cant say And here to the great horror of Mr John Smauker Sam Weller began to whistle I beg your pardon Mr Weller said Mr John Smauker agonised at the exceeding ungenteel sound will you take my arm Thankee youre wery good but I wont deprive you of it replied Sam Ive rayther a way o putting my hands in my pockets if its all the same to you As Sam said this he suited the action to the word and whistled far louder than before This way said his new friend apparently much relieved as they turned down a bystreet we shall soon be there Shall we said Sam quite unmoved by the announcement of his close vicinity to the select footmen of Bath Yes said Mr John Smauker Dont be alarmed Mr Weller Oh no said Sam Youll see some very handsome uniforms Mr Weller continued Mr John Smauker and perhaps youll find some of the gentlemen rather high at first you know but theyll soon come round Thats wery kind on em replied Sam And you know resumed Mr John Smauker with an air of sublime protectionyou know as youre a stranger perhaps theyll be rather hard upon you at first They wont be wery cruel though will they inquired Sam No no replied Mr John Smauker pulling forth the foxs head and taking a gentlemanly pinch There are some funny dogs among us and they will have their joke you know but you mustnt mind em you mustnt mind em Ill try and bear up agin such a reglar knock down o talent replied Sam Thats right said Mr John Smauker putting forth his foxs head and elevating his own Ill stand by you By this time they had reached a small greengrocers shop which Mr John Smauker entered followed by Sam who the moment he got behind him relapsed into a series of the very broadest and most unmitigated grins and manifested other demonstrations of being in a highly enviable state of inward merriment Crossing the greengrocers shop and putting their hats on the stairs in the little passage behind it they walked into a small parlour and here the full splendour of the scene burst upon Mr Wellers view A couple of tables were put together in the middle of the parlour covered with three or four cloths of different ages and dates of washing arranged to look as much like one as the circumstances of the case would allow Upon these were laid knives and forks for six or eight people Some of the knife handles were green others red and a few yellow and as all the forks were black the combination of colours was exceedingly striking Plates for a corresponding number of guests were warming behind the fender and the guests themselves were warming before it the chief and most important of whom appeared to be a stoutish gentleman in a bright crimson coat with long tails vividly red breeches and a cocked hat who was standing with his back to the fire and had apparently just entered for besides retaining his cocked hat on his head he carried in his hand a high stick such as gentlemen of his profession usually elevate in a sloping position over the roofs of carriages Smauker my lad your fin said the gentleman with the cocked hat Mr Smauker dovetailed the top joint of his righthand little finger into that of the gentleman with the cocked hat and said he was charmed to see him looking so well Well they tell me I am looking pretty blooming said the man with the cocked hat and its a wonder too Ive been following our old woman about two hours a day for the last fortnight and if a constant contemplation of the manner in which she hooksandeyes that infernal lavendercoloured old gown of hers behind isnt enough to throw anybody into a low state of despondency for life stop my quarters salary At this the assembled selections laughed very heartily and one gentleman in a yellow waistcoat with a coachtrimming border whispered a neighbour in greenfoil smalls that Tuckle was in spirits tonight By the bye said Mr Tuckle Smauker my boy you The remainder of the sentence was forwarded into Mr John Smaukers ear by whisper Oh dear me I quite forgot said Mr John Smauker Gentlemen my friend Mr Weller Sorry to keep the fire off you Weller said Mr Tuckle with a familiar nod Hope youre not cold Weller Not by no means Blazes replied Sam It ud be a wery chilly subject as felt cold wen you stood opposite Youd save coals if they put you behind the fender in the waitinroom at a public office you would As this retort appeared to convey rather a personal allusion to Mr Tuckles crimson livery that gentleman looked majestic for a few seconds but gradually edging away from the fire broke into a forced smile and said it wasnt bad Wery much obliged for your good opinion sir replied Sam We shall get on by degrees I dessay Well try a better one by and bye At this point the conversation was interrupted by the arrival of a gentleman in orangecoloured plush accompanied by another selection in purple cloth with a great extent of stocking The newcomers having been welcomed by the old ones Mr Tuckle put the question that supper be ordered in which was carried unanimously The greengrocer and his wife then arranged upon the table a boiled leg of mutton hot with caper sauce turnips and potatoes Mr Tuckle took the chair and was supported at the other end of the board by the gentleman in orange plush The greengrocer put on a pair of washleather gloves to hand the plates with and stationed himself behind Mr Tuckles chair Harris said Mr Tuckle in a commanding tone Sir said the greengrocer Have you got your gloves on Yes Sir Then take the kiver off Yes Sir The greengrocer did as he was told with a show of great humility and obsequiously handed Mr Tuckle the carvingknife in doing which he accidentally gaped What do you mean by that Sir said Mr Tuckle with great asperity I beg your pardon Sir replied the crestfallen greengrocer I didnt mean to do it Sir I was up very late last night Sir I tell you what my opinion of you is Harris said Mr Tuckle with a most impressive air youre a wulgar beast I hope gentlemen said Harris that you wont be severe with me gentlemen I am very much obliged to you indeed gentlemen for your patronage and also for your recommendations gentlemen whenever additional assistance in waiting is required I hope gentlemen I give satisfaction No you dont Sir said Mr Tuckle Very far from it Sir We consider you an inattentive reskel said the gentleman in the orange plush And a low thief added the gentleman in the greenfoil smalls And an unreclaimable blaygaird added the gentleman in purple The poor greengrocer bowed very humbly while these little epithets were bestowed upon him in the true spirit of the very smallest tyranny and when everybody had said something to show his superiority Mr Tuckle proceeded to carve the leg of mutton and to help the company This important business of the evening had hardly commenced when the door was thrown briskly open and another gentleman in a lightblue suit and leaden buttons made his appearance Against the rules said Mr Tuckle Too late too late No no positively I couldnt help it said the gentleman in blue I appeal to the company An affair of gallantry now an appointment at the theayter Oh that indeed said the gentleman in the orange plush Yes raly now honour bright said the man in blue I made a promese to fetch our youngest daughter at halfpast ten and she is such an uncauminly fine gal that I raly hadnt the art to disappint her No offence to the present company Sir but a petticut sira petticut Sir is irrevokeable I begin to suspect theres something in that quarter said Tuckle as the newcomer took his seat next Sam Ive remarked once or twice that she leans very heavy on your shoulder when she gets in and out of the carriage Oh raly raly Tuckle you shouldnt said the man in blue Its not fair I may have said to one or two friends that she wos a very divine creechure and had refused one or two offers without any hobvus cause butno no no indeed Tucklebefore strangers tooits not right you shouldnt Delicacy my dear friend delicacy And the man in blue pulling up his neckerchief and adjusting his coat cuffs nodded and frowned as if there were more behind which he could say if he liked but was bound in honour to suppress The man in blue being a lighthaired stiffnecked free and easy sort of footman with a swaggering air and pert face had attracted Mr Wellers special attention at first but when he began to come out in this way Sam felt more than ever disposed to cultivate his acquaintance so he launched himself into the conversation at once with characteristic independence Your health Sir said Sam I like your conversation much I think its wery pretty At this the man in blue smiled as if it were a compliment he was well used to but looked approvingly on Sam at the same time and said he hoped he should be better acquainted with him for without any flattery at all he seemed to have the makings of a very nice fellow about him and to be just the man after his own heart Youre wery good sir said Sam What a lucky feller you are How do you mean inquired the gentleman in blue That ere young lady replied Sam She knows wots wot she does Ah I see Mr Weller closed one eye and shook his head from side to side in a manner which was highly gratifying to the personal vanity of the gentleman in blue Im afraid youre a cunning fellow Mr Weller said that individual No no said Sam I leave all that ere to you Its a great deal more in your way than mine as the genlmn on the right side o the garden vall said to the man on the wrong un ven the mad bull vos a comin up the lane Well well Mr Weller said the gentleman in blue I think she has remarked my air and manner Mr Weller I should think she couldnt wery well be off o that said Sam Have you any little thing of that kind in hand sir inquired the favoured gentleman in blue drawing a toothpick from his waistcoat pocket Not exactly said Sam Theres no daughters at my place else o course I should ha made up to vun on em As it is I dont think I can do with anythin under a female markis I might keep up with a young ooman o large property as hadnt a title if she made wery fierce love to me Not else Of course not Mr Weller said the gentleman in blue one cant be troubled you know and we know Mr Wellerwe who are men of the worldthat a good uniform must work its way with the women sooner or later In fact thats the only thing between you and me that makes the service worth entering into Just so said Sam Thats it o course When this confidential dialogue had gone thus far glasses were placed round and every gentleman ordered what he liked best before the publichouse shut up The gentleman in blue and the man in orange who were the chief exquisites of the party ordered cold shrub and water but with the others ginandwater sweet appeared to be the favourite beverage Sam called the greengrocer a desprate willin and ordered a large bowl of punchtwo circumstances which seemed to raise him very much in the opinion of the selections Gentlemen said the man in blue with an air of the most consummate dandyism Ill give you the ladies come Hear hear said Sam The young mississes Here there was a loud cry of Order and Mr John Smauker as the gentleman who had introduced Mr Weller into that company begged to inform him that the word he had just made use of was unparliamentary Which word was that ere Sir inquired Sam Mississes Sir replied Mr John Smauker with an alarming frown We dont recognise such distinctions here Oh wery good said Sam then Ill amend the obserwation and call em the dear creeturs if Blazes vill allow me Some doubt appeared to exist in the mind of the gentleman in the green foil smalls whether the chairman could be legally appealed to as Blazes but as the company seemed more disposed to stand upon their own rights than his the question was not raised The man with the cocked hat breathed short and looked long at Sam but apparently thought it as well to say nothing in case he should get the worst of it After a short silence a gentleman in an embroidered coat reaching down to his heels and a waistcoat of the same which kept one half of his legs warm stirred his ginandwater with great energy and putting himself upon his feet all at once by a violent effort said he was desirous of offering a few remarks to the company whereupon the person in the cocked hat had no doubt that the company would be very happy to hear any remarks that the man in the long coat might wish to offer I feel a great delicacy gentlemen in coming forard said the man in the long coat having the misforchune to be a coachman and being only admitted as a honorary member of these agreeable swarrys but I do feel myself bound gentlemendrove into a corner if I may use the expressionto make known an afflicting circumstance which has come to my knowledge which has happened I may say within the soap of my everyday contemplation Gentlemen our friend Mr Whiffers everybody looked at the individual in orange our friend Mr Whiffers has resigned Universal astonishment fell upon the hearers Each gentleman looked in his neighbours face and then transferred his glance to the upstanding coachman You may well be sapparised gentlemen said the coachman I will not wenchure to state the reasons of this irrepairabel loss to the service but I will beg Mr Whiffers to state them himself for the improvement and imitation of his admiring friends The suggestion being loudly approved of Mr Whiffers explained He said he certainly could have wished to have continued to hold the appointment he had just resigned The uniform was extremely rich and expensive the females of the family was most agreeable and the duties of the situation was not he was bound to say too heavy the principal service that was required of him being that he should look out of the hall window as much as possible in company with another gentleman who had also resigned He could have wished to have spared that company the painful and disgusting detail on which he was about to enter but as the explanation had been demanded of him he had no alternative but to state boldly and distinctly that he had been required to eat cold meat It is impossible to conceive the disgust which this avowal awakened in the bosoms of the hearers Loud cries of Shame mingled with groans and hisses prevailed for a quarter of an hour Mr Whiffers then added that he feared a portion of this outrage might be traced to his own forbearing and accommodating disposition He had a distinct recollection of having once consented to eat salt butter and he had moreover on an occasion of sudden sickness in the house so far forgotten himself as to carry a coalscuttle up to the second floor He trusted he had not lowered himself in the good opinion of his friends by this frank confession of his faults and he hoped the promptness with which he had resented the last unmanly outrage on his feelings to which he had referred would reinstate him in their good opinion if he had Mr Whifferss address was responded to with a shout of admiration and the health of the interesting martyr was drunk in a most enthusiastic manner for this the martyr returned thanks and proposed their visitor Mr Wellera gentleman whom he had not the pleasure of an intimate acquaintance with but who was the friend of Mr John Smauker which was a sufficient letter of recommendation to any society of gentlemen whatever or wherever On this account he should have been disposed to have given Mr Wellers health with all the honours if his friends had been drinking wine but as they were taking spirits by way of a change and as it might be inconvenient to empty a tumbler at every toast he should propose that the honours be understood At the conclusion of this speech everybody took a sip in honour of Sam and Sam having ladled out and drunk two full glasses of punch in honour of himself returned thanks in a neat speech Wery much obliged to you old fellers said Sam ladling away at the punch in the most unembarrassed manner possible for this here compliment which comin from sich a quarter is wery overvelmin Ive heered a good deal on you as a body but I will say that I never thought you was sich uncommon nice men as I find you air I only hope youll take care o yourselves and not compromise nothin o your dignity which is a wery charmin thing to see when ones out a walkin and has always made me wery happy to look at ever since I was a boy about half as high as the brassheaded stick o my wery respectable friend Blazes there As to the wictim of oppression in the suit o brimstone all I can say of him is that I hope hell get jist as good a berth as he deserves in vitch case its wery little cold swarry as ever hell be troubled with agin Here Sam sat down with a pleasant smile and his speech having been vociferously applauded the company broke up Wy you dont mean to say youre agoin old feller said Sam Weller to his friend Mr John Smauker I must indeed said Mr Smauker I promised Bantam Oh wery well said Sam thats another thing Praps hed resign if you disappinted him You aint agoin Blazes Yes I am said the man with the cocked hat Wot and leave threequarters of a bowl of punch behind you said Sam nonsense set down agin Mr Tuckle was not proof against this invitation He laid aside the cocked hat and stick which he had just taken up and said he would have one glass for good fellowships sake As the gentleman in blue went home the same way as Mr Tuckle he was prevailed upon to stop too When the punch was about half gone Sam ordered in some oysters from the greengrocers shop and the effect of both was so extremely exhilarating that Mr Tuckle dressed out with the cocked hat and stick danced the frog hornpipe among the shells on the table while the gentleman in blue played an accompaniment upon an ingenious musical instrument formed of a haircomb upon a curlpaper At last when the punch was all gone and the night nearly so they sallied forth to see each other home Mr Tuckle no sooner got into the open air than he was seized with a sudden desire to lie on the curbstone Sam thought it would be a pity to contradict him and so let him have his own way As the cocked hat would have been spoiled if left there Sam very considerately flattened it down on the head of the gentleman in blue and putting the big stick in his hand propped him up against his own streetdoor rang the bell and walked quietly home At a much earlier hour next morning than his usual time of rising Mr Pickwick walked downstairs completely dressed and rang the bell Sam said Mr Pickwick when Mr Weller appeared in reply to the summons shut the door Mr Weller did so There was an unfortunate occurrence here last night Sam said Mr Pickwick which gave Mr Winkle some cause to apprehend violence from Mr Dowler So Ive heerd from the old lady downstairs Sir replied Sam And Im sorry to say Sam continued Mr Pickwick with a most perplexed countenance that in dread of this violence Mr Winkle has gone away Gone avay said Sam Left the house early this morning without the slightest previous communication with me replied Mr Pickwick And is gone I know not where He should ha stopped and fought it out Sir replied Sam contemptuously It wouldnt take much to settle that ere Dowler Sir Well Sam said Mr Pickwick I may have my doubts of his great bravery and determination also But however that may be Mr Winkle is gone He must be found Sam Found and brought back to me And spose he wont come back Sir said Sam He must be made Sam said Mr Pickwick Whos to do it Sir inquired Sam with a smile You replied Mr Pickwick Wery good Sir With these words Mr Weller left the room and immediately afterwards was heard to shut the street door In two hours time he returned with so much coolness as if he had been despatched on the most ordinary message possible and brought the information that an individual in every respect answering Mr Winkles description had gone over to Bristol that morning by the branch coach from the Royal Hotel Sam said Mr Pickwick grasping his hand youre a capital fellow an invaluable fellow You must follow him Sam Certnly Sir replied Mr Weller The instant you discover him write to me immediately Sam said Mr Pickwick If he attempts to run away from you knock him down or lock him up You have my full authority Sam Ill be wery careful sir rejoined Sam Youll tell him said Mr Pickwick that I am highly excited highly displeased and naturally indignant at the very extraordinary course he has thought proper to pursue I will Sir replied Sam Youll tell him said Mr Pickwick that if he does not come back to this very house with you he will come back with me for I will come and fetch him Ill mention that ere Sir rejoined Sam You think you can find him Sam said Mr Pickwick looking earnestly in his face Oh Ill find him if hes anyvere rejoined Sam with great confidence Very well said Mr Pickwick Then the sooner you go the better With these instructions Mr Pickwick placed a sum of money in the hands of his faithful servitor and ordered him to start for Bristol immediately in pursuit of the fugitive Sam put a few necessaries in a carpetbag and was ready for starting He stopped when he had got to the end of the passage and walking quietly back thrust his head in at the parlour door Sir whispered Sam Well Sam said Mr Pickwick I fully understands my instructions do I Sir inquired Sam I hope so said Mr Pickwick Its reglarly understood about the knockin down is it Sir inquired Sam Perfectly replied Pickwick Thoroughly Do what you think necessary You have my orders Sam gave a nod of intelligence and withdrawing his head from the door set forth on his pilgrimage with a light heart CHAPTER XXXVIII HOW MR WINKLE WHEN HE STEPPED OUT OF THE FRYINGPAN WALKED GENTLY AND COMFORTABLY INTO THE FIRE The illstarred gentleman who had been the unfortunate cause of the unusual noise and disturbance which alarmed the inhabitants of the Royal Crescent in manner and form already described after passing a night of great confusion and anxiety left the roof beneath which his friends still slumbered bound he knew not whither The excellent and considerate feelings which prompted Mr Winkle to take this step can never be too highly appreciated or too warmly extolled If reasoned Mr Winkle with himselfif this Dowler attempts as I have no doubt he will to carry into execution his threat of personal violence against myself it will be incumbent on me to call him out He has a wife that wife is attached to and dependent on him Heavens If I should kill him in the blindness of my wrath what would be my feelings ever afterwards This painful consideration operated so powerfully on the feelings of the humane young man as to cause his knees to knock together and his countenance to exhibit alarming manifestations of inward emotion Impelled by such reflections he grasped his carpetbag and creeping stealthily downstairs shut the detestable street door with as little noise as possible and walked off Bending his steps towards the Royal Hotel he found a coach on the point of starting for Bristol and thinking Bristol as good a place for his purpose as any other he could go to he mounted the box and reached his place of destination in such time as the pair of horses who went the whole stage and back again twice a day or more could be reasonably supposed to arrive there He took up his quarters at the Bush and designing to postpone any communication by letter with Mr Pickwick until it was probable that Mr Dowlers wrath might have in some degree evaporated walked forth to view the city which struck him as being a shade more dirty than any place he had ever seen Having inspected the docks and shipping and viewed the cathedral he inquired his way to Clifton and being directed thither took the route which was pointed out to him But as the pavements of Bristol are not the widest or cleanest upon earth so its streets are not altogether the straightest or least intricate and Mr Winkle being greatly puzzled by their manifold windings and twistings looked about him for a decent shop in which he could apply afresh for counsel and instruction His eye fell upon a newlypainted tenement which had been recently converted into something between a shop and a private house and which a red lamp projecting over the fanlight of the street door would have sufficiently announced as the residence of a medical practitioner even if the word Surgery had not been inscribed in golden characters on a wainscot ground above the window of what in times bygone had been the front parlour Thinking this an eligible place wherein to make his inquiries Mr Winkle stepped into the little shop where the gilt labelled drawers and bottles were and finding nobody there knocked with a halfcrown on the counter to attract the attention of anybody who might happen to be in the back parlour which he judged to be the innermost and peculiar sanctum of the establishment from the repetition of the word surgery on the doorpainted in white letters this time by way of taking off the monotony At the first knock a sound as of persons fencing with fireirons which had until now been very audible suddenly ceased at the second a studiouslooking young gentleman in green spectacles with a very large book in his hand glided quietly into the shop and stepping behind the counter requested to know the visitors pleasure I am sorry to trouble you Sir said Mr Winkle but will you have the goodness to direct me to Ha ha ha roared the studious young gentleman throwing the large book up into the air and catching it with great dexterity at the very moment when it threatened to smash to atoms all the bottles on the counter Heres a start There was without doubt for Mr Winkle was so very much astonished at the extraordinary behaviour of the medical gentleman that he involuntarily retreated towards the door and looked very much disturbed at his strange reception What dont you know me said the medical gentleman Mr Winkle murmured in reply that he had not that pleasure Why then said the medical gentleman there are hopes for me yet I may attend half the old women in Bristol if Ive decent luck Get out you mouldy old villain get out With this adjuration which was addressed to the large book the medical gentleman kicked the volume with remarkable agility to the farther end of the shop and pulling off his green spectacles grinned the identical grin of Robert Sawyer Esquire formerly of Guys Hospital in the Borough with a private residence in Lant Street You dont mean to say you werent down upon me said Mr Bob Sawyer shaking Mr Winkles hand with friendly warmth Upon my word I was not replied Mr Winkle returning his pressure I wonder you didnt see the name said Bob Sawyer calling his friends attention to the outer door on which in the same white paint were traced the words Sawyer late Nockemorf It never caught my eye returned Mr Winkle Lord if I had known who you were I should have rushed out and caught you in my arms said Bob Sawyer but upon my life I thought you were the Kingstaxes No said Mr Winkle I did indeed responded Bob Sawyer and I was just going to say that I wasnt at home but if youd leave a message Id be sure to give it to myself for he dont know me no more does the Lighting and Paving I think the Churchrates guesses who I am and I know the Waterworks does because I drew a tooth of his when I first came down here But come in come in Chattering in this way Mr Bob Sawyer pushed Mr Winkle into the back room where amusing himself by boring little circular caverns in the chimneypiece with a redhot poker sat no less a person than Mr Benjamin Allen Well said Mr Winkle This is indeed a pleasure I did not expect What a very nice place you have here Pretty well pretty well replied Bob Sawyer I passed soon after that precious party and my friends came down with the needful for this business so I put on a black suit of clothes and a pair of spectacles and came here to look as solemn as I could And a very snug little business you have no doubt said Mr Winkle knowingly Very replied Bob Sawyer So snug that at the end of a few years you might put all the profits in a wineglass and cover em over with a gooseberry leaf You cannot surely mean that said Mr Winkle The stock itself Dummies my dear boy said Bob Sawyer half the drawers have nothing in em and the other half dont open Nonsense said Mr Winkle Facthonour returned Bob Sawyer stepping out into the shop and demonstrating the veracity of the assertion by divers hard pulls at the little gilt knobs on the counterfeit drawers Hardly anything real in the shop but the leeches and they are secondhand I shouldnt have thought it exclaimed Mr Winkle much surprised I hope not replied Bob Sawyer else wheres the use of appearances eh But what will you take Do as we do Thats right Ben my fine fellow put your hand into the cupboard and bring out the patent digester Mr Benjamin Allen smiled his readiness and produced from the closet at his elbow a black bottle half full of brandy You dont take water of course said Bob Sawyer Thank you replied Mr Winkle Its rather early I should like to qualify it if you have no objection None in the least if you can reconcile it to your conscience replied Bob Sawyer tossing off as he spoke a glass of the liquor with great relish Ben the pipkin Mr Benjamin Allen drew forth from the same hidingplace a small brass pipkin which Bob Sawyer observed he prided himself upon particularly because it looked so businesslike The water in the professional pipkin having been made to boil in course of time by various little shovelfuls of coal which Mr Bob Sawyer took out of a practicable windowseat labelled Soda Water Mr Winkle adulterated his brandy and the conversation was becoming general when it was interrupted by the entrance into the shop of a boy in a sober gray livery and a gold laced hat with a small covered basket under his arm whom Mr Bob Sawyer immediately hailed with Tom you vagabond come here The boy presented himself accordingly Youve been stopping to over all the posts in Bristol you idle young scamp said Mr Bob Sawyer No sir I havent replied the boy You had better not said Mr Bob Sawyer with a threatening aspect Who do you suppose will ever employ a professional man when they see his boy playing at marbles in the gutter or flying the garter in the horseroad Have you no feeling for your profession you groveller Did you leave all the medicine Yes Sir The powders for the child at the large house with the new family and the pills to be taken four times a day at the illtempered old gentlemans with the gouty leg Yes sir Then shut the door and mind the shop Come said Mr Winkle as the boy retired things are not quite so bad as you would have me believe either There is some medicine to be sent out Mr Bob Sawyer peeped into the shop to see that no stranger was within hearing and leaning forward to Mr Winkle said in a low tone He leaves it all at the wrong houses Mr Winkle looked perplexed and Bob Sawyer and his friend laughed Dont you see said Bob He goes up to a house rings the area bell pokes a packet of medicine without a direction into the servants hand and walks off Servant takes it into the diningparlour master opens it and reads the label Draught to be taken at bedtimepills as beforelotion as usualthe powder From Sawyers late Nockemorfs Physicians prescriptions carefully prepared and all the rest of it Shows it to his wifeshe reads the label it goes down to the servants they read the label Next day boy calls Very sorryhis mistake immense businessgreat many parcels to deliverMr Sawyers complimentslate Nockemorf The name gets known and thats the thing my boy in the medical way Bless your heart old fellow its better than all the advertising in the world We have got one fourounce bottle thats been to half the houses in Bristol and hasnt done yet Dear me I see observed Mr Winkle what an excellent plan Oh Ben and I have hit upon a dozen such replied Bob Sawyer with great glee The lamplighter has eighteenpence a week to pull the night bell for ten minutes every time he comes round and my boy always rushes into the church just before the psalms when the people have got nothing to do but look about em and calls me out with horror and dismay depicted on his countenance Bless my soul everybody says somebody taken suddenly ill Sawyer late Nockemorf sent for What a business that young man has At the termination of this disclosure of some of the mysteries of medicine Mr Bob Sawyer and his friend Ben Allen threw themselves back in their respective chairs and laughed boisterously When they had enjoyed the joke to their hearts content the discourse changed to topics in which Mr Winkle was more immediately interested We think we have hinted elsewhere that Mr Benjamin Allen had a way of becoming sentimental after brandy The case is not a peculiar one as we ourself can testify having on a few occasions had to deal with patients who have been afflicted in a similar manner At this precise period of his existence Mr Benjamin Allen had perhaps a greater predisposition to maudlinism than he had ever known before the cause of which malady was briefly this He had been staying nearly three weeks with Mr Bob Sawyer Mr Bob Sawyer was not remarkable for temperance nor was Mr Benjamin Allen for the ownership of a very strong head the consequence was that during the whole space of time just mentioned Mr Benjamin Allen had been wavering between intoxication partial and intoxication complete My dear friend said Mr Ben Allen taking advantage of Mr Bob Sawyers temporary absence behind the counter whither he had retired to dispense some of the secondhand leeches previously referred to my dear friend I am very miserable Mr Winkle professed his heartfelt regret to hear it and begged to know whether he could do anything to alleviate the sorrows of the suffering student Nothing my dear boy nothing said Ben You recollect Arabella Winkle My sister Arabellaa little girl Winkle with black eyeswhen we were down at Wardles I dont know whether you happened to notice hera nice little girl Winkle Perhaps my features may recall her countenance to your recollection Mr Winkle required nothing to recall the charming Arabella to his mind and it was rather fortunate he did not for the features of her brother Benjamin would unquestionably have proved but an indifferent refresher to his memory He answered with as much calmness as he could assume that he perfectly remembered the young lady referred to and sincerely trusted she was in good health Our friend Bob is a delightful fellow Winkle was the only reply of Mr Ben Allen Very said Mr Winkle not much relishing this close connection of the two names I designed em for each other they were made for each other sent into the world for each other born for each other Winkle said Mr Ben Allen setting down his glass with emphasis Theres a special destiny in the matter my dear sir theres only five years difference between em and both their birthdays are in August Mr Winkle was too anxious to hear what was to follow to express much wonderment at this extraordinary coincidence marvellous as it was so Mr Ben Allen after a tear or two went on to say that notwithstanding all his esteem and respect and veneration for his friend Arabella had unaccountably and undutifully evinced the most determined antipathy to his person And I think said Mr Ben Allen in conclusion I think theres a prior attachment Have you any idea who the object of it might be asked Mr Winkle with great trepidation Mr Ben Allen seized the poker flourished it in a warlike manner above his head inflicted a savage blow on an imaginary skull and wound up by saying in a very expressive manner that he only wished he could guess that was all Id show him what I thought of him said Mr Ben Allen And round went the poker again more fiercely than before All this was of course very soothing to the feelings of Mr Winkle who remained silent for a few minutes but at length mustered up resolution to inquire whether Miss Allen was in Kent No no said Mr Ben Allen laying aside the poker and looking very cunning I didnt think Wardles exactly the place for a headstrong girl so as I am her natural protector and guardian our parents being dead I have brought her down into this part of the country to spend a few months at an old aunts in a nice dull close place I think that will cure her my boy If it doesnt Ill take her abroad for a little while and see what thatll do Oh the aunts is in Bristol is it faltered Mr Winkle No no not in Bristol replied Mr Ben Allen jerking his thumb over his right shoulder over that waydown there But hush heres Bob Not a word my dear friend not a word Short as this conversation was it roused in Mr Winkle the highest degree of excitement and anxiety The suspected prior attachment rankled in his heart Could he be the object of it Could it be for him that the fair Arabella had looked scornfully on the sprightly Bob Sawyer or had he a successful rival He determined to see her cost what it might but here an insurmountable objection presented itself for whether the explanatory over that way and down there of Mr Ben Allen meant three miles off or thirty or three hundred he could in no wise guess But he had no opportunity of pondering over his love just then for Bob Sawyers return was the immediate precursor of the arrival of a meatpie from the bakers of which that gentleman insisted on his staying to partake The cloth was laid by an occasional charwoman who officiated in the capacity of Mr Bob Sawyers housekeeper and a third knife and fork having been borrowed from the mother of the boy in the gray livery for Mr Sawyers domestic arrangements were as yet conducted on a limited scale they sat down to dinner the beer being served up as Mr Sawyer remarked in its native pewter After dinner Mr Bob Sawyer ordered in the largest mortar in the shop and proceeded to brew a reeking jorum of rumpunch therein stirring up and amalgamating the materials with a pestle in a very creditable and apothecarylike manner Mr Sawyer being a bachelor had only one tumbler in the house which was assigned to Mr Winkle as a compliment to the visitor Mr Ben Allen being accommodated with a funnel with a cork in the narrow end and Bob Sawyer contented himself with one of those widelipped crystal vessels inscribed with a variety of cabalistic characters in which chemists are wont to measure out their liquid drugs in compounding prescriptions These preliminaries adjusted the punch was tasted and pronounced excellent and it having been arranged that Bob Sawyer and Ben Allen should be considered at liberty to fill twice to Mr Winkles once they started fair with great satisfaction and goodfellowship There was no singing because Mr Bob Sawyer said it wouldnt look professional but to make amends for this deprivation there was so much talking and laughing that it might have been heard and very likely was at the end of the street Which conversation materially lightened the hours and improved the mind of Mr Bob Sawyers boy who instead of devoting the evening to his ordinary occupation of writing his name on the counter and rubbing it out again peeped through the glass door and thus listened and looked on at the same time The mirth of Mr Bob Sawyer was rapidly ripening into the furious Mr Ben Allen was fast relapsing into the sentimental and the punch had wellnigh disappeared altogether when the boy hastily running in announced that a young woman had just come over to say that Sawyer late Nockemorf was wanted directly a couple of streets off This broke up the party Mr Bob Sawyer understanding the message after some twenty repetitions tied a wet cloth round his head to sober himself and having partially succeeded put on his green spectacles and issued forth Resisting all entreaties to stay till he came back and finding it quite impossible to engage Mr Ben Allen in any intelligible conversation on the subject nearest his heart or indeed on any other Mr Winkle took his departure and returned to the Bush The anxiety of his mind and the numerous meditations which Arabella had awakened prevented his share of the mortar of punch producing that effect upon him which it would have had under other circumstances So after taking a glass of sodawater and brandy at the bar he turned into the coffeeroom dispirited rather than elevated by the occurrences of the evening Sitting in front of the fire with his back towards him was a tallish gentleman in a greatcoat the only other occupant of the room It was rather a cool evening for the season of the year and the gentleman drew his chair aside to afford the newcomer a sight of the fire What were Mr Winkles feelings when in doing so he disclosed to view the face and figure of the vindictive and sanguinary Dowler Mr Winkles first impulse was to give a violent pull at the nearest bellhandle but that unfortunately happened to be immediately behind Mr Dowlers head He had made one step towards it before he checked himself As he did so Mr Dowler very hastily drew back Mr Winkle Sir Be calm Dont strike me I wont bear it A blow Never said Mr Dowler looking meeker than Mr Winkle had expected in a gentleman of his ferocity A blow Sir stammered Mr Winkle A blow Sir replied Dowler Compose your feelings Sit down Hear me Sir said Mr Winkle trembling from head to foot before I consent to sit down beside or opposite you without the presence of a waiter I must be secured by some further understanding You used a threat against me last night Sir a dreadful threat Sir Here Mr Winkle turned very pale indeed and stopped short I did said Dowler with a countenance almost as white as Mr Winkles Circumstances were suspicious They have been explained I respect your bravery Your feeling is upright Conscious innocence Theres my hand Grasp it Really Sir said Mr Winkle hesitating whether to give his hand or not and almost fearing that it was demanded in order that he might be taken at an advantage really Sir I I know what you mean interposed Dowler You feel aggrieved Very natural So should I I was wrong I beg your pardon Be friendly Forgive me With this Dowler fairly forced his hand upon Mr Winkle and shaking it with the utmost vehemence declared he was a fellow of extreme spirit and he had a higher opinion of him than ever Now said Dowler sit down Relate it all How did you find me When did you follow Be frank Tell me Its quite accidental replied Mr Winkle greatly perplexed by the curious and unexpected nature of the interview Quite Glad of it said Dowler I woke this morning I had forgotten my threat I laughed at the accident I felt friendly I said so To whom inquired Mr Winkle To Mrs Dowler You made a vow said she I did said I It was a rash one said she It was said I Ill apologise Where is he Who inquired Mr Winkle You replied Dowler I went downstairs You were not to be found Pickwick looked gloomy Shook his head Hoped no violence would be committed I saw it all You felt yourself insulted You had gone for a friend perhaps Possibly for pistols High spirit said I I admire him Mr Winkle coughed and beginning to see how the land lay assumed a look of importance I left a note for you resumed Dowler I said I was sorry So I was Pressing business called me here You were not satisfied You followed You required a verbal explanation You were right Its all over now My business is finished I go back tomorrow Join me As Dowler progressed in his explanation Mr Winkles countenance grew more and more dignified The mysterious nature of the commencement of their conversation was explained Mr Dowler had as great an objection to duelling as himself in short this blustering and awful personage was one of the most egregious cowards in existence and interpreting Mr Winkles absence through the medium of his own fears had taken the same step as himself and prudently retired until all excitement of feeling should have subsided As the real state of the case dawned upon Mr Winkles mind he looked very terrible and said he was perfectly satisfied but at the same time said so with an air that left Mr Dowler no alternative but to infer that if he had not been something most horrible and destructive must inevitably have occurred Mr Dowler appeared to be impressed with a becoming sense of Mr Winkles magnanimity and condescension and the two belligerents parted for the night with many protestations of eternal friendship About halfpast twelve oclock when Mr Winkle had been revelling some twenty minutes in the full luxury of his first sleep he was suddenly awakened by a loud knocking at his chamber door which being repeated with increased vehemence caused him to start up in bed and inquire who was there and what the matter was Please Sir heres a young man which says he must see you directly responded the voice of the chambermaid A young man exclaimed Mr Winkle No mistake about that ere Sir replied another voice through the keyhole and if that wery same interestin young creetur aint let in vithout delay its wery possible as his legs vill enter afore his countenance The young man gave a gentle kick at one of the lower panels of the door after he had given utterance to this hint as if to add force and point to the remark Is that you Sam inquired Mr Winkle springing out of bed Quite unpossible to identify any genlmn vith any degree o mental satisfaction vithout lookin at him Sir replied the voice dogmatically Mr Winkle not much doubting who the young man was unlocked the door which he had no sooner done than Mr Samuel Weller entered with great precipitation and carefully relocking it on the inside deliberately put the key in his waistcoat pocket and after surveying Mr Winkle from head to foot said Youre a wery humorous young genlmn you air Sir What do you mean by this conduct Sam inquired Mr Winkle indignantly Get out sir this instant What do you mean Sir What do I mean retorted Sam come Sir this is rayther too rich as the young lady said when she remonstrated with the pastrycook arter hed sold her a pork pie as had got nothin but fat inside What do I mean Well that aint a bad un that aint Unlock that door and leave this room immediately Sir said Mr Winkle I shall leave this here room sir just precisely at the wery same moment as you leaves it responded Sam speaking in a forcible manner and seating himself with perfect gravity If I find it necessary to carry you away pickaback o course I shall leave it the least bit o time possible afore you but allow me to express a hope as you wont reduce me to extremities in saying wich I merely quote wot the nobleman said to the fractious pennywinkle ven he vouldnt come out of his shell by means of a pin and he conseqvently began to be afeered that he should be obliged to crack him in the parlour door At the end of this address which was unusually lengthy for him Mr Weller planted his hands on his knees and looked full in Mr Winkles face with an expression of countenance which showed that he had not the remotest intention of being trifled with Youre a amiablydisposed young man Sir I dont think resumed Mr Weller in a tone of moral reproof to go inwolving our precious governor in all sorts o fanteegs wen hes made up his mind to go through everythink for principle Youre far worse nor Dodson Sir and as for Fogg I consider him a born angel to you Mr Weller having accompanied this last sentiment with an emphatic slap on each knee folded his arms with a look of great disgust and threw himself back in his chair as if awaiting the criminals defence My good fellow said Mr Winkle extending his handhis teeth chattering all the time he spoke for he had been standing during the whole of Mr Wellers lecture in his nightgearmy good fellow I respect your attachment to my excellent friend and I am very sorry indeed to have added to his causes for disquiet There Sam there Well said Sam rather sulkily but giving the proffered hand a respectful shake at the same timewell so you ought to be and I am very glad to find you air for if I can help it I wont have him put upon by nobody and thats all about it Certainly not Sam said Mr Winkle There Now go to bed Sam and well talk further about this in the morning Im wery sorry said Sam but I cant go to bed Not go to bed repeated Mr Winkle No said Sam shaking his head Cant be done You dont mean to say youre going back tonight Sam urged Mr Winkle greatly surprised Not unless you particklerly wish it replied Sam but I mustnt leave this here room The governors orders wos peremptory Nonsense Sam said Mr Winkle I must stop here two or three days and more than that Sam you must stop here too to assist me in gaining an interview with a young ladyMiss Allen Sam you remember herwhom I must and will see before I leave Bristol But in reply to each of these positions Sam shook his head with great firmness and energetically replied It cant be done After a great deal of argument and representation on the part of Mr Winkle however and a full disclosure of what had passed in the interview with Dowler Sam began to waver and at length a compromise was effected of which the following were the main and principal conditions That Sam should retire and leave Mr Winkle in the undisturbed possession of his apartment on the condition that he had permission to lock the door on the outside and carry off the key provided always that in the event of an alarm of fire or other dangerous contingency the door should be instantly unlocked That a letter should be written to Mr Pickwick early next morning and forwarded per Dowler requesting his consent to Sam and Mr Winkles remaining at Bristol for the purpose and with the object already assigned and begging an answer by the next coach if favourable the aforesaid parties to remain accordingly and if not to return to Bath immediately on the receipt thereof And lastly that Mr Winkle should be understood as distinctly pledging himself not to resort to the window fireplace or other surreptitious mode of escape in the meanwhile These stipulations having been concluded Sam locked the door and departed He had nearly got downstairs when he stopped and drew the key from his pocket I quite forgot about the knockin down said Sam half turning back The governor distinctly said it was to be done Amazin stupid o me that ere Never mind said Sam brightening up its easily done to morrow anyvays Apparently much consoled by this reflection Mr Weller once more deposited the key in his pocket and descending the remainder of the stairs without any fresh visitations of conscience was soon in common with the other inmates of the house buried in profound repose CHAPTER XXXIX MR SAMUEL WELLER BEING INTRUSTED WITH A MISSION OF LOVE PROCEEDS TO EXECUTE IT WITH WHAT SUCCESS WILL HEREINAFTER APPEAR During the whole of next day Sam kept Mr Winkle steadily in sight fully determined not to take his eyes off him for one instant until he should receive express instructions from the fountainhead However disagreeable Sams very close watch and great vigilance were to Mr Winkle he thought it better to bear with them than by any act of violent opposition to hazard being carried away by force which Mr Weller more than once strongly hinted was the line of conduct that a strict sense of duty prompted him to pursue There is little reason to doubt that Sam would very speedily have quieted his scruples by bearing Mr Winkle back to Bath bound hand and foot had not Mr Pickwicks prompt attention to the note which Dowler had undertaken to deliver forestalled any such proceeding In short at eight oclock in the evening Mr Pickwick himself walked into the coffeeroom of the Bush Tavern and told Sam with a smile to his very great relief that he had done quite right and it was unnecessary for him to mount guard any longer I thought it better to come myself said Mr Pickwick addressing Mr Winkle as Sam disencumbered him of his greatcoat and travellingshawl to ascertain before I gave my consent to Sams employment in this matter that you are quite in earnest and serious with respect to this young lady Serious from my heartfrom my soul returned Mr Winkle with great energy Remember said Mr Pickwick with beaming eyes we met her at our excellent and hospitable friends Winkle It would be an ill return to tamper lightly and without due consideration with this young ladys affections Ill not allow that sir Ill not allow it I have no such intention indeed exclaimed Mr Winkle warmly I have considered the matter well for a long time and I feel that my happiness is bound up in her Thats wot we call tying it up in a small parcel sir interposed Mr Weller with an agreeable smile Mr Winkle looked somewhat stern at this interruption and Mr Pickwick angrily requested his attendant not to jest with one of the best feelings of our nature to which Sam replied That he wouldnt if he was aware on it but there were so many on em that he hardly knowd which was the best ones wen he heerd em mentioned Mr Winkle then recounted what had passed between himself and Mr Ben Allen relative to Arabella stated that his object was to gain an interview with the young lady and make a formal disclosure of his passion and declared his conviction founded on certain dark hints and mutterings of the aforesaid Ben that wherever she was at present immured it was somewhere near the Downs And this was his whole stock of knowledge or suspicion on the subject With this very slight clue to guide him it was determined that Mr Weller should start next morning on an expedition of discovery it was also arranged that Mr Pickwick and Mr Winkle who were less confident of their powers should parade the town meanwhile and accidentally drop in upon Mr Bob Sawyer in the course of the day in the hope of seeing or hearing something of the young ladys whereabouts Accordingly next morning Sam Weller issued forth upon his quest in no way daunted by the very discouraging prospect before him and away he walked up one street and down anotherwe were going to say up one hill and down another only its all uphill at Cliftonwithout meeting with anything or anybody that tended to throw the faintest light on the matter in hand Many were the colloquies into which Sam entered with grooms who were airing horses on roads and nursemaids who were airing children in lanes but nothing could Sam elicit from either the first mentioned or the last which bore the slightest reference to the object of his artfullyprosecuted inquiries There were a great many young ladies in a great many houses the greater part whereof were shrewdly suspected by the male and female domestics to be deeply attached to somebody or perfectly ready to become so if opportunity afforded But as none among these young ladies was Miss Arabella Allen the information left Sam at exactly the old point of wisdom at which he had stood before Sam struggled across the Downs against a good high wind wondering whether it was always necessary to hold your hat on with both hands in that part of the country and came to a shady byplace about which were sprinkled several little villas of quiet and secluded appearance Outside a stable door at the bottom of a long back lane without a thoroughfare a groom in undress was idling about apparently persuading himself that he was doing something with a spade and a wheelbarrow We may remark in this place that we have scarcely ever seen a groom near a stable in his lazy moments who has not been to a greater or less extent the victim of this singular delusion Sam thought he might as well talk to this groom as to any one else especially as he was very tired with walking and there was a good large stone just opposite the wheelbarrow so he strolled down the lane and seating himself on the stone opened a conversation with the ease and freedom for which he was remarkable Mornin old friend said Sam Arternoon you mean replied the groom casting a surly look at Sam Youre wery right old friend said Sam I do mean arternoon How are you Why I dont find myself much the better for seeing of you replied the illtempered groom Thats wery oddthat is said Sam for you look so uncommon cheerful and seem altogether so lively that it does vuns heart good to see you The surly groom looked surlier still at this but not sufficiently so to produce any effect upon Sam who immediately inquired with a countenance of great anxiety whether his masters name was not Walker No it aint said the groom Nor Brown I spose said Sam No it aint Nor Vilson No nor that either said the groom Vell replied Sam then Im mistaken and he hasnt got the honour o my acquaintance which I thought he had Dont wait here out o compliment to me said Sam as the groom wheeled in the barrow and prepared to shut the gate Ease afore ceremony old boy Ill excuse you Id knock your head off for halfacrown said the surly groom bolting one half of the gate Couldnt afford to have it done on those terms rejoined Sam It ud be worth a lifes board wages at least to you and ud be cheap at that Make my compliments indoors Tell em not to vait dinner for me and say they neednt mind puttin any by for itll be cold afore I come in In reply to this the groom waxing very wroth muttered a desire to damage somebodys person but disappeared without carrying it into execution slamming the door angrily after him and wholly unheeding Sams affectionate request that he would leave him a lock of his hair before he went Sam continued to sit on the large stone meditating upon what was best to be done and revolving in his mind a plan for knocking at all the doors within five miles of Bristol taking them at a hundred and fifty or two hundred a day and endeavouring to find Miss Arabella by that expedient when accident all of a sudden threw in his way what he might have sat there for a twelvemonth and yet not found without it Into the lane where he sat there opened three or four garden gates belonging to as many houses which though detached from each other were only separated by their gardens As these were large and long and well planted with trees the houses were not only at some distance off but the greater part of them were nearly concealed from view Sam was sitting with his eyes fixed upon the dustheap outside the next gate to that by which the groom had disappeared profoundly turning over in his mind the difficulties of his present undertaking when the gate opened and a female servant came out into the lane to shake some bedside carpets Sam was so very busy with his own thoughts that it is probable he would have taken no more notice of the young woman than just raising his head and remarking that she had a very neat and pretty figure if his feelings of gallantry had not been most strongly roused by observing that she had no one to help her and that the carpets seemed too heavy for her single strength Mr Weller was a gentleman of great gallantry in his own way and he no sooner remarked this circumstance than he hastily rose from the large stone and advanced towards her My dear said Sam sliding up with an air of great respect youll spile that wery pretty figure out o all perportion if you shake them carpets by yourself Let me help you The young lady who had been coyly affecting not to know that a gentleman was so near turned round as Sam spokeno doubt indeed she said so afterwards to decline this offer from a perfect strangerwhen instead of speaking she started back and uttered a halfsuppressed scream Sam was scarcely less staggered for in the countenance of the wellshaped female servant he beheld the very features of his valentine the pretty housemaid from Mr Nupkinss Wy Mary my dear said Sam Lauk Mr Weller said Mary how you do frighten one Sam made no verbal answer to this complaint nor can we precisely say what reply he did make We merely know that after a short pause Mary said Lor do adun Mr Weller and that his hat had fallen off a few moments beforefrom both of which tokens we should be disposed to infer that one kiss or more had passed between the parties Why how did you come here said Mary when the conversation to which this interruption had been offered was resumed O course I came to look arter you my darlin replied Mr Weller for once permitting his passion to get the better of his veracity And how did you know I was here inquired Mary Who could have told you that I took another service at Ipswich and that they afterwards moved all the way here Who could have told you that Mr Weller Ah to be sure said Sam with a cunning look thats the pint Who could ha told me It wasnt Mr Muzzle was it inquired Mary Oh no replied Sam with a solemn shake of the head it warnt him It must have been the cook said Mary O course it must said Sam Well I never heard the like of that exclaimed Mary No more did I said Sam But Mary my dearhere Sams manner grew extremely affectionateMary my dear Ive got another affair in hand as is wery pressin Theres one o my governors friendsMr Winkle you remember him Him in the green coat said Mary Oh yes I remember him Well said Sam hes in a horrid state o love reglarly comfoozled and done over vith it Lor interposed Mary Yes said Sam but thats nothin if we could find out the young ooman and here Sam with many digressions upon the personal beauty of Mary and the unspeakable tortures he had experienced since he last saw her gave a faithful account of Mr Winkles present predicament Well said Mary I never did O course not said Sam and nobody never did nor never vill neither and here am I awalkin about like the wandering Jewa sportin character you have perhaps heerd on Mary my dear as vos alvays doin a match agin time and never vent to sleeplooking arter this here Miss Arabella Allen Miss who said Mary in great astonishment Miss Arabella Allen said Sam Goodness gracious said Mary pointing to the garden door which the sulky groom had locked after him Why its that very house shes been living there these six weeks Their upper housemaid which is ladys maid too told me all about it over the washhouse palins before the family was out of bed one mornin Wot the wery next door to you said Sam The very next replied Mary Mr Weller was so deeply overcome on receiving this intelligence that he found it absolutely necessary to cling to his fair informant for support and divers little love passages had passed between them before he was sufficiently collected to return to the subject Vell said Sam at length if this dont beat cockfightin nothin never vill as the lord mayor said ven the chief secretary o state proposed his mississ health arter dinner That wery next house Wy Ive got a message to her as Ive been atrying all day to deliver Ah said Mary but you cant deliver it now because she only walks in the garden in the evening and then only for a very little time she never goes out without the old lady Sam ruminated for a few moments and finally hit upon the following plan of operations that he should return just at duskthe time at which Arabella invariably took her walkand being admitted by Mary into the garden of the house to which she belonged would contrive to scramble up the wall beneath the overhanging boughs of a large peartree which would effectually screen him from observation would there deliver his message and arrange if possible an interview on behalf of Mr Winkle for the ensuing evening at the same hour Having made this arrangement with great despatch he assisted Mary in the longdeferred occupation of shaking the carpets It is not half as innocent a thing as it looks that shaking little pieces of carpetat least there may be no great harm in the shaking but the folding is a very insidious process So long as the shaking lasts and the two parties are kept the carpets length apart it is as innocent an amusement as can well be devised but when the folding begins and the distance between them gets gradually lessened from one half its former length to a quarter and then to an eighth and then to a sixteenth and then to a thirtysecond if the carpet be long enough it becomes dangerous We do not know to a nicety how many pieces of carpet were folded in this instance but we can venture to state that as many pieces as there were so many times did Sam kiss the pretty housemaid Mr Weller regaled himself with moderation at the nearest tavern until it was nearly dusk and then returned to the lane without the thoroughfare Having been admitted into the garden by Mary and having received from that lady sundry admonitions concerning the safety of his limbs and neck Sam mounted into the peartree to wait until Arabella should come into sight He waited so long without this anxiouslyexpected event occurring that he began to think it was not going to take place at all when he heard light footsteps upon the gravel and immediately afterwards beheld Arabella walking pensively down the garden As soon as she came nearly below the tree Sam began by way of gently indicating his presence to make sundry diabolical noises similar to those which would probably be natural to a person of middle age who had been afflicted with a combination of inflammatory sore throat croup and whoopingcough from his earliest infancy Upon this the young lady cast a hurried glance towards the spot whence the dreadful sounds proceeded and her previous alarm being not at all diminished when she saw a man among the branches she would most certainly have decamped and alarmed the house had not fear fortunately deprived her of the power of moving and caused her to sink down on a garden seat which happened by good luck to be near at hand Shes agoin off soliloquised Sam in great perplexity Wot a thing it is as these here young creeturs will go afaintin avay just ven they oughtnt to Here young ooman Miss Sawbones Mrs Vinkle dont Whether it was the magic of Mr Winkles name or the coolness of the open air or some recollection of Mr Wellers voice that revived Arabella matters not She raised her head and languidly inquired Whos that and what do you want Hush said Sam swinging himself on to the wall and crouching there in as small a compass as he could reduce himself to only me miss only me Mr Pickwicks servant said Arabella earnestly The wery same miss replied Sam Heres Mr Vinkle reglarly sewed up vith desperation miss Ah said Arabella drawing nearer the wall Ah indeed said Sam Ve thought ve should ha been obliged to straitveskit him last night hes been aravin all day and he says if he cant see you afore tomorrow nights over he vishes he may be somethin unpleasanted if he dont drownd hisself Oh no no Mr Weller said Arabella clasping her hands Thats wot he says miss replied Sam coolly Hes a man of his word and its my opinion hell do it miss Hes heerd all about you from the sawbones in barnacles From my brother said Arabella having some faint recognition of Sams description I dont rightly know which is your brother miss replied Sam Is it the dirtiest vun o the two Yes yes Mr Weller returned Arabella go on Make haste pray Well miss said Sam hes heerd all about it from him and its the govnors opinion that if you dont see him wery quick the sawbones as weve been aspeakin on ull get as much extra lead in his head asll rayther damage the dewelopment o the orgins if they ever put it in spirits artervards Oh what can I do to prevent these dreadful quarrels exclaimed Arabella Its the suspicion of a priory tachment as is the cause of it all replied Sam Youd better see him miss But howwhere cried Arabella I dare not leave the house alone My brother is so unkind so unreasonable I know how strange my talking thus to you may appear Mr Weller but I am very very unhappy and here poor Arabella wept so bitterly that Sam grew chivalrous It may seem wery strange talkin to me about these here affairs miss said Sam with great vehemence but all I can say is that Im not only ready but villin to do anythin asll make matters agreeable and if chuckin either o them sawboneses out o winder ull do it Im the man As Sam Weller said this he tucked up his wristbands at the imminent hazard of falling off the wall in so doing to intimate his readiness to set to work immediately Flattering as these professions of good feeling were Arabella resolutely declined most unaccountably as Sam thought to avail herself of them For some time she strenuously refused to grant Mr Winkle the interview Sam had so pathetically requested but at length when the conversation threatened to be interrupted by the unwelcome arrival of a third party she hurriedly gave him to understand with many professions of gratitude that it was barely possible she might be in the garden an hour later next evening Sam understood this perfectly well and Arabella bestowing upon him one of her sweetest smiles tripped gracefully away leaving Mr Weller in a state of very great admiration of her charms both personal and mental Having descended in safety from the wall and not forgotten to devote a few moments to his own particular business in the same department Mr Weller then made the best of his way back to the Bush where his prolonged absence had occasioned much speculation and some alarm We must be careful said Mr Pickwick after listening attentively to Sams tale not for our sakes but for that of the young lady We must be very cautious We said Mr Winkle with marked emphasis Mr Pickwicks momentary look of indignation at the tone of this remark subsided into his characteristic expression of benevolence as he replied We Sir I shall accompany you You said Mr Winkle I replied Mr Pickwick mildly In affording you this interview the young lady has taken a natural perhaps but still a very imprudent step If I am present at the meetinga mutual friend who is old enough to be the father of both partiesthe voice of calumny can never be raised against her hereafter Mr Pickwicks eyes lightened with honest exultation at his own foresight as he spoke thus Mr Winkle was touched by this little trait of his delicate respect for the young protegee of his friend and took his hand with a feeling of regard akin to veneration You SHALL go said Mr Winkle I will said Mr Pickwick Sam have my greatcoat and shawl ready and order a conveyance to be at the door tomorrow evening rather earlier than is absolutely necessary in order that we may be in good time Mr Weller touched his hat as an earnest of his obedience and withdrew to make all needful preparations for the expedition The coach was punctual to the time appointed and Mr Weller after duly installing Mr Pickwick and Mr Winkle inside took his seat on the box by the driver They alighted as had been agreed on about a quarter of a mile from the place of rendezvous and desiring the coachman to await their return proceeded the remaining distance on foot It was at this stage of the undertaking that Mr Pickwick with many smiles and various other indications of great selfsatisfaction produced from one of his coat pockets a dark lantern with which he had specially provided himself for the occasion and the great mechanical beauty of which he proceeded to explain to Mr Winkle as they walked along to the no small surprise of the few stragglers they met I should have been the better for something of this kind in my last garden expedition at night eh Sam said Mr Pickwick looking good humouredly round at his follower who was trudging behind Wery nice things if theyre managed properly Sir replied Mr Weller but wen you dont want to be seen I think theyre more useful arter the candles gone out than wen its alight Mr Pickwick appeared struck by Sams remarks for he put the lantern into his pocket again and they walked on in silence Down here Sir said Sam Let me lead the way This is the lane Sir Down the lane they went and dark enough it was Mr Pickwick brought out the lantern once or twice as they groped their way along and threw a very brilliant little tunnel of light before them about a foot in diameter It was very pretty to look at but seemed to have the effect of rendering surrounding objects rather darker than before At length they arrived at the large stone Here Sam recommended his master and Mr Winkle to seat themselves while he reconnoitred and ascertained whether Mary was yet in waiting After an absence of five or ten minutes Sam returned to say that the gate was opened and all quiet Following him with stealthy tread Mr Pickwick and Mr Winkle soon found themselves in the garden Here everybody said Hush a good many times and that being done no one seemed to have any very distinct apprehension of what was to be done next Is Miss Allen in the garden yet Mary inquired Mr Winkle much agitated I dont know sir replied the pretty housemaid The best thing to be done sir will be for Mr Weller to give you a hoist up into the tree and perhaps Mr Pickwick will have the goodness to see that nobody comes up the lane while I watch at the other end of the garden Goodness gracious whats that That ere blessed lantern ull be the death on us all exclaimed Sam peevishly Take care wot youre adoin on sir youre asendin a blaze o light right into the back parlour winder Dear me said Mr Pickwick turning hastily aside I didnt mean to do that Now its in the next house sir remonstrated Sam Bless my heart exclaimed Mr Pickwick turning round again Now its in the stable and theyll think the place is afire said Sam Shut it up sir cant you Its the most extraordinary lantern I ever met with in all my life exclaimed Mr Pickwick greatly bewildered by the effects he had so unintentionally produced I never saw such a powerful reflector Itll be vun too powerful for us if you keep blazin avay in that manner sir replied Sam as Mr Pickwick after various unsuccessful efforts managed to close the slide Theres the young ladys footsteps Now Mr Winkle sir up vith you Stop stop said Mr Pickwick I must speak to her first Help me up Sam Gently Sir said Sam planting his head against the wall and making a platform of his back Step atop o that ere flowerpot Sir Now then up vith you Im afraid I shall hurt you Sam said Mr Pickwick Never mind me Sir replied Sam Lend him a hand Mr Winkle sir Steady sir steady Thats the time o day As Sam spoke Mr Pickwick by exertions almost supernatural in a gentleman of his years and weight contrived to get upon Sams back and Sam gently raising himself up and Mr Pickwick holding on fast by the top of the wall while Mr Winkle clasped him tight by the legs they contrived by these means to bring his spectacles just above the level of the coping My dear said Mr Pickwick looking over the wall and catching sight of Arabella on the other side dont be frightened my dear its only me Oh pray go away Mr Pickwick said Arabella Tell them all to go away I am so dreadfully frightened Dear dear Mr Pickwick dont stop there Youll fall down and kill yourself I know you will Now pray dont alarm yourself my dear said Mr Pickwick soothingly There is not the least cause for fear I assure you Stand firm Sam said Mr Pickwick looking down All right sir replied Mr Weller Dont be longer than you can conweniently help sir Youre rayther heavy Only another moment Sam replied Mr Pickwick I merely wished you to know my dear that I should not have allowed my young friend to see you in this clandestine way if the situation in which you are placed had left him any alternative and lest the impropriety of this step should cause you any uneasiness my love it may be a satisfaction to you to know that I am present Thats all my dear Indeed Mr Pickwick I am very much obliged to you for your kindness and consideration replied Arabella drying her tears with her handkerchief She would probably have said much more had not Mr Pickwicks head disappeared with great swiftness in consequence of a false step on Sams shoulder which brought him suddenly to the ground He was up again in an instant however and bidding Mr Winkle make haste and get the interview over ran out into the lane to keep watch with all the courage and ardour of youth Mr Winkle himself inspired by the occasion was on the wall in a moment merely pausing to request Sam to be careful of his master Ill take care on him sir replied Sam Leave him to me Where is he Whats he doing Sam inquired Mr Winkle Bless his old gaiters rejoined Sam looking out at the garden door Hes akeepin guard in the lane vith that ere dark lantern like a amiable Guy Fawkes I never see such a fine creetur in my days Blessed if I dont think his heart must ha been born fiveandtwenty year arter his body at least Mr Winkle stayed not to hear the encomium upon his friend He had dropped from the wall thrown himself at Arabellas feet and by this time was pleading the sincerity of his passion with an eloquence worthy even of Mr Pickwick himself While these things were going on in the open air an elderly gentleman of scientific attainments was seated in his library two or three houses off writing a philosophical treatise and ever and anon moistening his clay and his labours with a glass of claret from a venerablelooking bottle which stood by his side In the agonies of composition the elderly gentleman looked sometimes at the carpet sometimes at the ceiling and sometimes at the wall and when neither carpet ceiling nor wall afforded the requisite degree of inspiration he looked out of the window In one of these pauses of invention the scientific gentleman was gazing abstractedly on the thick darkness outside when he was very much surprised by observing a most brilliant light glide through the air at a short distance above the ground and almost instantaneously vanish After a short time the phenomenon was repeated not once or twice but several times at last the scientific gentleman laying down his pen began to consider to what natural causes these appearances were to be assigned They were not meteors they were too low They were not glowworms they were too high They were not willothewisps they were not fireflies they were not fireworks What could they be Some extraordinary and wonderful phenomenon of nature which no philosopher had ever seen before something which it had been reserved for him alone to discover and which he should immortalise his name by chronicling for the benefit of posterity Full of this idea the scientific gentleman seized his pen again and committed to paper sundry notes of these unparalleled appearances with the date day hour minute and precise second at which they were visible all of which were to form the data of a voluminous treatise of great research and deep learning which should astonish all the atmospherical wiseacres that ever drew breath in any part of the civilised globe He threw himself back in his easychair wrapped in contemplations of his future greatness The mysterious light appeared more brilliantly than before dancing to all appearance up and down the lane crossing from side to side and moving in an orbit as eccentric as comets themselves The scientific gentleman was a bachelor He had no wife to call in and astonish so he rang the bell for his servant Pruffle said the scientific gentleman there is something very extraordinary in the air tonight Did you see that said the scientific gentleman pointing out of the window as the light again became visible Yes I did Sir What do you think of it Pruffle Think of it Sir Yes You have been bred up in this country What should you say was the cause for those lights now The scientific gentleman smilingly anticipated Pruffles reply that he could assign no cause for them at all Pruffle meditated I should say it was thieves Sir said Pruffle at length Youre a fool and may go downstairs said the scientific gentleman Thank you Sir said Pruffle And down he went But the scientific gentleman could not rest under the idea of the ingenious treatise he had projected being lost to the world which must inevitably be the case if the speculation of the ingenious Mr Pruffle were not stifled in its birth He put on his hat and walked quickly down the garden determined to investigate the matter to the very bottom Now shortly before the scientific gentleman walked out into the garden Mr Pickwick had run down the lane as fast as he could to convey a false alarm that somebody was coming that way occasionally drawing back the slide of the dark lantern to keep himself from the ditch The alarm was no sooner given than Mr Winkle scrambled back over the wall and Arabella ran into the house the garden gate was shut and the three adventurers were making the best of their way down the lane when they were startled by the scientific gentleman unlocking his garden gate Hold hard whispered Sam who was of course the first of the party Show a light for just vun second Sir Mr Pickwick did as he was desired and Sam seeing a mans head peeping out very cautiously within half a yard of his own gave it a gentle tap with his clenched fist which knocked it with a hollow sound against the gate Having performed this feat with great suddenness and dexterity Mr Weller caught Mr Pickwick up on his back and followed Mr Winkle down the lane at a pace which considering the burden he carried was perfectly astonishing Have you got your vind back agin Sir inquired Sam when they had reached the end Quite Quite now replied Mr Pickwick Then come along Sir said Sam setting his master on his feet again Come betveen us sir Not half a mile to run Think youre vinnin a cup sir Now for it Thus encouraged Mr Pickwick made the very best use of his legs It may be confidently stated that a pair of black gaiters never got over the ground in better style than did those of Mr Pickwick on this memorable occasion The coach was waiting the horses were fresh the roads were good and the driver was willing The whole party arrived in safety at the Bush before Mr Pickwick had recovered his breath In with you at once sir said Sam as he helped his master out Dont stop a second in the street arter that ere exercise Beg your pardon sir continued Sam touching his hat as Mr Winkle descended hope there warnt a priory tachment sir Mr Winkle grasped his humble friend by the hand and whispered in his ear Its all right Sam quite right Upon which Mr Weller struck three distinct blows upon his nose in token of intelligence smiled winked and proceeded to put the steps up with a countenance expressive of lively satisfaction As to the scientific gentleman he demonstrated in a masterly treatise that these wonderful lights were the effect of electricity and clearly proved the same by detailing how a flash of fire danced before his eyes when he put his head out of the gate and how he received a shock which stunned him for a quarter of an hour afterwards which demonstration delighted all the scientific associations beyond measure and caused him to be considered a light of science ever afterwards CHAPTER XL INTRODUCES MR PICKWICK TO A NEW AND NOT UNINTERESTING SCENE IN THE GREAT DRAMA OF LIFE The remainder of the period which Mr Pickwick had assigned as the duration of the stay at Bath passed over without the occurrence of anything material Trinity term commenced On the expiration of its first week Mr Pickwick and his friends returned to London and the former gentleman attended of course by Sam straightway repaired to his old quarters at the George and Vulture On the third morning after their arrival just as all the clocks in the city were striking nine individually and somewhere about nine hundred and ninetynine collectively Sam was taking the air in George Yard when a queer sort of freshpainted vehicle drove up out of which there jumped with great agility throwing the reins to a stout man who sat beside him a queer sort of gentleman who seemed made for the vehicle and the vehicle for him The vehicle was not exactly a gig neither was it a stanhope It was not what is currently denominated a dogcart neither was it a taxed cart nor a chaisecart nor a guillotined cabriolet and yet it had something of the character of each and every of these machines It was painted a bright yellow with the shafts and wheels picked out in black and the driver sat in the orthodox sporting style on cushions piled about two feet above the rail The horse was a bay a welllooking animal enough but with something of a flash and dogfighting air about him nevertheless which accorded both with the vehicle and his master The master himself was a man of about forty with black hair and carefully combed whiskers He was dressed in a particularly gorgeous manner with plenty of articles of jewellery about himall about three sizes larger than those which are usually worn by gentlemenand a rough greatcoat to crown the whole Into one pocket of this greatcoat he thrust his left hand the moment he dismounted while from the other he drew forth with his right a very bright and glaring silk handkerchief with which he whisked a speck or two of dust from his boots and then crumpling it in his hand swaggered up the court It had not escaped Sams attention that when this person dismounted a shabbylooking man in a brown greatcoat shorn of divers buttons who had been previously slinking about on the opposite side of the way crossed over and remained stationary close by Having something more than a suspicion of the object of the gentlemans visit Sam preceded him to the George and Vulture and turning sharp round planted himself in the centre of the doorway Now my fine fellow said the man in the rough coat in an imperious tone attempting at the same time to push his way past Now Sir wots the matter replied Sam returning the push with compound interest Come none of this my man this wont do with me said the owner of the rough coat raising his voice and turning white Here Smouch Well wots amiss here growled the man in the brown coat who had been gradually sneaking up the court during this short dialogue Only some insolence of this young mans said the principal giving Sam another push Come none o this gammon growled Smouch giving him another and a harder one This last push had the effect which it was intended by the experienced Mr Smouch to produce for while Sam anxious to return the compliment was grinding that gentlemans body against the doorpost the principal crept past and made his way to the bar whither Sam after bandying a few epithetical remarks with Mr Smouch followed at once Goodmorning my dear said the principal addressing the young lady at the bar with Botany Bay ease and New South Wales gentility which is Mr Pickwicks room my dear Show him up said the barmaid to a waiter without deigning another look at the exquisite in reply to his inquiry The waiter led the way upstairs as he was desired and the man in the rough coat followed with Sam behind him who in his progress up the staircase indulged in sundry gestures indicative of supreme contempt and defiance to the unspeakable gratification of the servants and other lookerson Mr Smouch who was troubled with a hoarse cough remained below and expectorated in the passage Mr Pickwick was fast asleep in bed when his early visitor followed by Sam entered the room The noise they made in so doing awoke him Shavingwater Sam said Mr Pickwick from within the curtains Shave you directly Mr Pickwick said the visitor drawing one of them back from the beds head Ive got an execution against you at the suit of BardellHeres the warrantCommon PleasHeres my card I suppose youll come over to my house Giving Mr Pickwick a friendly tap on the shoulder the sheriffs officer for such he was threw his card on the counterpane and pulled a gold toothpick from his waistcoat pocket Nambys the name said the sheriffs deputy as Mr Pickwick took his spectacles from under the pillow and put them on to read the card Namby Bell Alley Coleman Street At this point Sam Weller who had had his eyes fixed hitherto on Mr Nambys shining beaver interfered Are you a Quaker said Sam Ill let you know I am before Ive done with you replied the indignant officer Ill teach you manners my fine fellow one of these fine mornings Thankee said Sam Ill do the same to you Take your hat off With this Mr Weller in the most dexterous manner knocked Mr Nambys hat to the other side of the room with such violence that he had very nearly caused him to swallow the gold toothpick into the bargain Observe this Mr Pickwick said the disconcerted officer gasping for breath Ive been assaulted in the execution of my dooty by your servant in your chamber Im in bodily fear I call you to witness this Dont witness nothin Sir interposed Sam Shut your eyes up tight Sir Id pitch him out o winder only he couldnt fall far enough cause o the leads outside Sam said Mr Pickwick in an angry voice as his attendant made various demonstrations of hostilities if you say another word or offer the slightest interference with this person I discharge you that instant But Sir said Sam Hold your tongue interposed Mr Pickwick Take that hat up again But this Sam flatly and positively refused to do and after he had been severely reprimanded by his master the officer being in a hurry condescended to pick it up himself venting a great variety of threats against Sam meanwhile which that gentleman received with perfect composure merely observing that if Mr Namby would have the goodness to put his hat on again he would knock it into the latter end of next week Mr Namby perhaps thinking that such a process might be productive of inconvenience to himself declined to offer the temptation and soon after called up Smouch Having informed him that the capture was made and that he was to wait for the prisoner until he should have finished dressing Namby then swaggered out and drove away Smouch requesting Mr Pickwick in a surly manner to be as alive as he could for it was a busy time drew up a chair by the door and sat there until he had finished dressing Sam was then despatched for a hackneycoach and in it the triumvirate proceeded to Coleman Street It was fortunate the distance was short for Mr Smouch besides possessing no very enchanting conversational powers was rendered a decidedly unpleasant companion in a limited space by the physical weakness to which we have elsewhere adverted The coach having turned into a very narrow and dark street stopped before a house with iron bars to all the windows the doorposts of which were graced by the name and title of Namby Officer to the Sheriffs of London the inner gate having been opened by a gentleman who might have passed for a neglected twinbrother of Mr Smouch and who was endowed with a large key for the purpose Mr Pickwick was shown into the coffeeroom This coffeeroom was a front parlour the principal features of which were fresh sand and stale tobacco smoke Mr Pickwick bowed to the three persons who were seated in it when he entered and having despatched Sam for Perker withdrew into an obscure corner and looked thence with some curiosity upon his new companions One of these was a mere boy of nineteen or twenty who though it was yet barely ten oclock was drinking ginandwater and smoking a cigar amusements to which judging from his inflamed countenance he had devoted himself pretty constantly for the last year or two of his life Opposite him engaged in stirring the fire with the toe of his right boot was a coarse vulgar young man of about thirty with a sallow face and harsh voice evidently possessed of that knowledge of the world and captivating freedom of manner which is to be acquired in publichouse parlours and at low billiard tables The third tenant of the apartment was a middleaged man in a very old suit of black who looked pale and haggard and paced up and down the room incessantly stopping now and then to look with great anxiety out of the window as if he expected somebody and then resuming his walk Youd better have the loan of my razor this morning Mr Ayresleigh said the man who was stirring the fire tipping the wink to his friend the boy Thank you no I shant want it I expect I shall be out in the course of an hour or so replied the other in a hurried manner Then walking again up to the window and once more returning disappointed he sighed deeply and left the room upon which the other two burst into a loud laugh Well I never saw such a game as that said the gentleman who had offered the razor whose name appeared to be Price Never Mr Price confirmed the assertion with an oath and then laughed again when of course the boy who thought his companion one of the most dashing fellows alive laughed also Youd hardly think would you now said Price turning towards Mr Pickwick that that chaps been here a week yesterday and never once shaved himself yet because he feels so certain hes going out in half an hours time thinks he may as well put it off till he gets home Poor man said Mr Pickwick Are his chances of getting out of his difficulties really so great Chances be dd replied Price he hasnt half the ghost of one I wouldnt give that for his chance of walking about the streets this time ten years With this Mr Price snapped his fingers contemptuously and rang the bell Give me a sheet of paper Crookey said Mr Price to the attendant who in dress and general appearance looked something between a bankrupt glazier and a drover in a state of insolvency and a glass of brandy andwater Crookey dye hear Im going to write to my father and I must have a stimulant or I shant be able to pitch it strong enough into the old boy At this facetious speech the young boy it is almost needless to say was fairly convulsed Thats right said Mr Price Never say die All fun aint it Prime said the young gentleman Youve got some spirit about you you have said Price Youve seen something of life I rather think I have replied the boy He had looked at it through the dirty panes of glass in a bar door Mr Pickwick feeling not a little disgusted with this dialogue as well as with the air and manner of the two beings by whom it had been carried on was about to inquire whether he could not be accommodated with a private sittingroom when two or three strangers of genteel appearance entered at sight of whom the boy threw his cigar into the fire and whispering to Mr Price that they had come to make it all right for him joined them at a table in the farther end of the room It would appear however that matters were not going to be made all right quite so speedily as the young gentleman anticipated for a very long conversation ensued of which Mr Pickwick could not avoid hearing certain angry fragments regarding dissolute conduct and repeated forgiveness At last there were very distinct allusions made by the oldest gentleman of the party to one Whitecross Street at which the young gentleman notwithstanding his primeness and his spirit and his knowledge of life into the bargain reclined his head upon the table and howled dismally Very much satisfied with this sudden bringing down of the youths valour and this effectual lowering of his tone Mr Pickwick rang the bell and was shown at his own request into a private room furnished with a carpet table chairs sideboard and sofa and ornamented with a lookingglass and various old prints Here he had the advantage of hearing Mrs Nambys performance on a square piano overhead while the breakfast was getting ready when it came Mr Perker came too Aha my dear sir said the little man nailed at last eh Come come Im not sorry for it either because now youll see the absurdity of this conduct Ive noted down the amount of the taxed costs and damages for which the casa was issued and we had better settle at once and lose no time Namby is come home by this time I dare say What say you my dear sir Shall I draw a cheque or will you The little man rubbed his hands with affected cheerfulness as he said this but glancing at Mr Pickwicks countenance could not forbear at the same time casting a desponding look towards Sam Weller Perker said Mr Pickwick let me hear no more of this I beg I see no advantage in staying here so I shall go to prison tonight You cant go to Whitecross Street my dear Sir said Perker Impossible There are sixty beds in a ward and the bolts on sixteen hours out of the fourandtwenty I would rather go to some other place of confinement if I can said Mr Pickwick If not I must make the best I can of that You can go to the Fleet my dear Sir if youre determined to go somewhere said Perker Thatll do said Mr Pickwick Ill go there directly I have finished my breakfast Stop stop my dear Sir not the least occasion for being in such a violent hurry to get into a place that most other men are as eager to get out of said the goodnatured little attorney We must have a habeascorpus Therell be no judge at chambers till four oclock this afternoon You must wait till then Very good said Mr Pickwick with unmoved patience Then we will have a chop here at two See about it Sam and tell them to be punctual Mr Pickwick remaining firm despite all the remonstrances and arguments of Perker the chops appeared and disappeared in due course he was then put into another hackney coach and carried off to Chancery Lane after waiting half an hour or so for Mr Namby who had a select dinnerparty and could on no account be disturbed before There were two judges in attendance at Serjeants Innone Kings Bench and one Common Pleasand a great deal of business appeared to be transacting before them if the number of lawyers clerks who were hurrying in and out with bundles of papers afforded any test When they reached the low archway which forms the entrance to the inn Perker was detained a few moments parlaying with the coachman about the fare and the change and Mr Pickwick stepping to one side to be out of the way of the stream of people that were pouring in and out looked about him with some curiosity The people that attracted his attention most were three or four men of shabbygenteel appearance who touched their hats to many of the attorneys who passed and seemed to have some business there the nature of which Mr Pickwick could not divine They were curiouslooking fellows One was a slim and rather lame man in rusty black and a white neckerchief another was a stout burly person dressed in the same apparel with a great reddishblack cloth round his neck a third was a little weazen drunkenlooking body with a pimply face They were loitering about with their hands behind them and now and then with an anxious countenance whispered something in the ear of some of the gentlemen with papers as they hurried by Mr Pickwick remembered to have very often observed them lounging under the archway when he had been walking past and his curiosity was quite excited to know to what branch of the profession these dingylooking loungers could possibly belong He was about to propound the question to Namby who kept close beside him sucking a large gold ring on his little finger when Perker bustled up and observing that there was no time to lose led the way into the inn As Mr Pickwick followed the lame man stepped up to him and civilly touching his hat held out a written card which Mr Pickwick not wishing to hurt the mans feelings by refusing courteously accepted and deposited in his waistcoat pocket Now said Perker turning round before he entered one of the offices to see that his companions were close behind him In here my dear sir Hallo what do you want This last question was addressed to the lame man who unobserved by Mr Pickwick made one of the party In reply to it the lame man touched his hat again with all imaginable politeness and motioned towards Mr Pickwick No no said Perker with a smile We dont want you my dear friend we dont want you I beg your pardon sir said the lame man The gentleman took my card I hope you will employ me sir The gentleman nodded to me Ill be judged by the gentleman himself You nodded to me sir Pooh pooh nonsense You didnt nod to anybody Pickwick A mistake a mistake said Perker The gentleman handed me his card replied Mr Pickwick producing it from his waistcoat pocket I accepted it as the gentleman seemed to wish itin fact I had some curiosity to look at it when I should be at leisure I The little attorney burst into a loud laugh and returning the card to the lame man informing him it was all a mistake whispered to Mr Pickwick as the man turned away in dudgeon that he was only a bail A what exclaimed Mr Pickwick A bail replied Perker A bail Yes my dear sirhalf a dozen of em here Bail you to any amount and only charge half a crown Curious trade isnt it said Perker regaling himself with a pinch of snuff What Am I to understand that these men earn a livelihood by waiting about here to perjure themselves before the judges of the land at the rate of half a crown a crime exclaimed Mr Pickwick quite aghast at the disclosure Why I dont exactly know about perjury my dear sir replied the little gentleman Harsh word my dear sir very harsh word indeed Its a legal fiction my dear sir nothing more Saying which the attorney shrugged his shoulders smiled took a second pinch of snuff and led the way into the office of the judges clerk This was a room of specially dirty appearance with a very low ceiling and old panelled walls and so badly lighted that although it was broad day outside great tallow candles were burning on the desks At one end was a door leading to the judges private apartment round which were congregated a crowd of attorneys and managing clerks who were called in in the order in which their respective appointments stood upon the file Every time this door was opened to let a party out the next party made a violent rush to get in and as in addition to the numerous dialogues which passed between the gentlemen who were waiting to see the judge a variety of personal squabbles ensued between the greater part of those who had seen him there was as much noise as could well be raised in an apartment of such confined dimensions Nor were the conversations of these gentlemen the only sounds that broke upon the ear Standing on a box behind a wooden bar at another end of the room was a clerk in spectacles who was taking the affidavits large batches of which were from time to time carried into the private room by another clerk for the judges signature There were a large number of attorneys clerks to be sworn and it being a moral impossibility to swear them all at once the struggles of these gentlemen to reach the clerk in spectacles were like those of a crowd to get in at the pit door of a theatre when Gracious Majesty honours it with its presence Another functionary from time to time exercised his lungs in calling over the names of those who had been sworn for the purpose of restoring to them their affidavits after they had been signed by the judge which gave rise to a few more scuffles and all these things going on at the same time occasioned as much bustle as the most active and excitable person could desire to behold There were yet another class of personsthose who were waiting to attend summonses their employers had taken out which it was optional to the attorney on the opposite side to attend or notand whose business it was from time to time to cry out the opposite attorneys name to make certain that he was not in attendance without their knowledge For example Leaning against the wall close beside the seat Mr Pickwick had taken was an officelad of fourteen with a tenor voice near him a commonlaw clerk with a bass one A clerk hurried in with a bundle of papers and stared about him Sniggle and Blink cried the tenor Porkin and Snob growled the bass Stumpy and Deacon said the newcomer Nobody answered the next man who came in was bailed by the whole three and he in his turn shouted for another firm and then somebody else roared in a loud voice for another and so forth All this time the man in the spectacles was hard at work swearing the clerks the oath being invariably administered without any effort at punctuation and usually in the following terms Take the book in your right hand this is your name and handwriting you swear that the contents of this your affidavit are true so help you God a shilling you must get change I havent got it Well Sam said Mr Pickwick I suppose they are getting the Habeas corpus ready Yes said Sam and I vish theyd bring out the havehiscarcase Its wery unpleasant keepin us vaitin here Id ha got half a dozen have hiscarcases ready packd up and all by this time What sort of cumbrous and unmanageable machine Sam Weller imagined a habeascorpus to be does not appear for Perker at that moment walked up and took Mr Pickwick away The usual forms having been gone through the body of Samuel Pickwick was soon afterwards confided to the custody of the tipstaff to be by him taken to the warden of the Fleet Prison and there detained until the amount of the damages and costs in the action of Bardell against Pickwick was fully paid and satisfied And that said Mr Pickwick laughing will be a very long time Sam call another hackneycoach Perker my dear friend goodbye I shall go with you and see you safe there said Perker Indeed replied Mr Pickwick I would rather go without any other attendant than Sam As soon as I get settled I will write and let you know and I shall expect you immediately Until then goodbye As Mr Pickwick said this he got into the coach which had by this time arrived followed by the tipstaff Sam having stationed himself on the box it rolled away A most extraordinary man that said Perker as he stopped to pull on his gloves What a bankrupt hed make Sir observed Mr Lowten who was standing near How he would bother the commissioners Hed set em at defiance if they talked of committing him Sir The attorney did not appear very much delighted with his clerks professional estimate of Mr Pickwicks character for he walked away without deigning any reply The hackneycoach jolted along Fleet Street as hackneycoaches usually do The horses went better the driver said when they had anything before them they must have gone at a most extraordinary pace when there was nothing and so the vehicle kept behind a cart when the cart stopped it stopped and when the cart went on again it did the same Mr Pickwick sat opposite the tipstaff and the tipstaff sat with his hat between his knees whistling a tune and looking out of the coach window Time performs wonders By the powerful old gentlemans aid even a hackneycoach gets over half a mile of ground They stopped at length and Mr Pickwick alighted at the gate of the Fleet The tipstaff just looking over his shoulder to see that his charge was following close at his heels preceded Mr Pickwick into the prison turning to the left after they had entered they passed through an open door into a lobby from which a heavy gate opposite to that by which they had entered and which was guarded by a stout turnkey with the key in his hand led at once into the interior of the prison Here they stopped while the tipstaff delivered his papers and here Mr Pickwick was apprised that he would remain until he had undergone the ceremony known to the initiated as sitting for your portrait Sitting for my portrait said Mr Pickwick Having your likeness taken sir replied the stout turnkey Were capital hands at likenesses here Take em in no time and always exact Walk in sir and make yourself at home Mr Pickwick complied with the invitation and sat himself down when Mr Weller who stationed himself at the back of the chair whispered that the sitting was merely another term for undergoing an inspection by the different turnkeys in order that they might know prisoners from visitors Well Sam said Mr Pickwick then I wish the artists would come This is rather a public place They vont be long Sir I dessay replied Sam Theres a Dutch clock sir So I see observed Mr Pickwick And a birdcage sir says Sam Veels vithin veels a prison in a prison Aint it Sir As Mr Weller made this philosophical remark Mr Pickwick was aware that his sitting had commenced The stout turnkey having been relieved from the lock sat down and looked at him carelessly from time to time while a long thin man who had relieved him thrust his hands beneath his coat tails and planting himself opposite took a good long view of him A third rather surlylooking gentleman who had apparently been disturbed at his tea for he was disposing of the last remnant of a crust and butter when he came in stationed himself close to Mr Pickwick and resting his hands on his hips inspected him narrowly while two others mixed with the group and studied his features with most intent and thoughtful faces Mr Pickwick winced a good deal under the operation and appeared to sit very uneasily in his chair but he made no remark to anybody while it was being performed not even to Sam who reclined upon the back of the chair reflecting partly on the situation of his master and partly on the great satisfaction it would have afforded him to make a fierce assault upon all the turnkeys there assembled one after the other if it were lawful and peaceable so to do At length the likeness was completed and Mr Pickwick was informed that he might now proceed into the prison Where am I to sleep tonight inquired Mr Pickwick Why I dont rightly know about tonight replied the stout turnkey Youll be chummed on somebody tomorrow and then youll be all snug and comfortable The first nights generally rather unsettled but youll be set all squares tomorrow After some discussion it was discovered that one of the turnkeys had a bed to let which Mr Pickwick could have for that night He gladly agreed to hire it If youll come with me Ill show it you at once said the man It aint a large un but its an outandouter to sleep in This way sir They passed through the inner gate and descended a short flight of steps The key was turned after them and Mr Pickwick found himself for the first time in his life within the walls of a debtors prison CHAPTER XLI WHAT BEFELL MR PICKWICK WHEN HE GOT INTO THE FLEET WHAT PRISONERS HE SAW THERE AND HOW HE PASSED THE NIGHT Mr Tom Roker the gentleman who had accompanied Mr Pickwick into the prison turned sharp round to the right when he got to the bottom of the little flight of steps and led the way through an iron gate which stood open and up another short flight of steps into a long narrow gallery dirty and low paved with stone and very dimly lighted by a window at each remote end This said the gentleman thrusting his hands into his pockets and looking carelessly over his shoulder to Mr Pickwickthis here is the hall flight Oh replied Mr Pickwick looking down a dark and filthy staircase which appeared to lead to a range of damp and gloomy stone vaults beneath the ground and those I suppose are the little cellars where the prisoners keep their small quantities of coals Unpleasant places to have to go down to but very convenient I dare say Yes I shouldnt wonder if they was convenient replied the gentleman seeing that a few people live there pretty snug Thats the Fair that is My friend said Mr Pickwick you dont really mean to say that human beings live down in those wretched dungeons Dont I replied Mr Roker with indignant astonishment why shouldnt I Livelive down there exclaimed Mr Pickwick Live down there Yes and die down there too very often replied Mr Roker and what of that Whos got to say anything agin it Live down there Yes and a wery good place it is to live in aint it As Roker turned somewhat fiercely upon Mr Pickwick in saying this and moreover muttered in an excited fashion certain unpleasant invocations concerning his own eyes limbs and circulating fluids the latter gentleman deemed it advisable to pursue the discourse no further Mr Roker then proceeded to mount another staircase as dirty as that which led to the place which has just been the subject of discussion in which ascent he was closely followed by Mr Pickwick and Sam There said Mr Roker pausing for breath when they reached another gallery of the same dimensions as the one below this is the coffee room flight the one aboves the third and the one above thats the top and the room where youre agoing to sleep tonight is the wardens room and its this waycome on Having said all this in a breath Mr Roker mounted another flight of stairs with Mr Pickwick and Sam Weller following at his heels These staircases received light from sundry windows placed at some little distance above the floor and looking into a gravelled area bounded by a high brick wall with iron chevauxdefrise at the top This area it appeared from Mr Rokers statement was the racket ground and it further appeared on the testimony of the same gentleman that there was a smaller area in that portion of the prison which was nearest Farringdon Street denominated and called the Painted Ground from the fact of its walls having once displayed the semblance of various menofwar in full sail and other artistical effects achieved in bygone times by some imprisoned draughtsman in his leisure hours Having communicated this piece of information apparently more for the purpose of discharging his bosom of an important fact than with any specific view of enlightening Mr Pickwick the guide having at length reached another gallery led the way into a small passage at the extreme end opened a door and disclosed an apartment of an appearance by no means inviting containing eight or nine iron bedsteads There said Mr Roker holding the door open and looking triumphantly round at Mr Pickwick theres a room Mr Pickwicks face however betokened such a very trifling portion of satisfaction at the appearance of his lodging that Mr Roker looked for a reciprocity of feeling into the countenance of Samuel Weller who until now had observed a dignified silence Theres a room young man observed Mr Roker I see it replied Sam with a placid nod of the head You wouldnt think to find such a room as this in the Farringdon Hotel would you said Mr Roker with a complacent smile To this Mr Weller replied with an easy and unstudied closing of one eye which might be considered to mean either that he would have thought it or that he would not have thought it or that he had never thought anything at all about it as the observers imagination suggested Having executed this feat and reopened his eye Mr Weller proceeded to inquire which was the individual bedstead that Mr Roker had so flatteringly described as an outandouter to sleep in Thats it replied Mr Roker pointing to a very rusty one in a corner It would make any one go to sleep that bedstead would whether they wanted to or not I should think said Sam eyeing the piece of furniture in question with a look of excessive disgustI should think poppies was nothing to it Nothing at all said Mr Roker And I spose said Sam with a sidelong glance at his master as if to see whether there were any symptoms of his determination being shaken by what passed I spose the other genlmen as sleeps here are genlmen Nothing but it said Mr Roker One of em takes his twelve pints of ale a day and never leaves off smoking even at his meals He must be a firstrater said Sam A1 replied Mr Roker Nothing daunted even by this intelligence Mr Pickwick smilingly announced his determination to test the powers of the narcotic bedstead for that night and Mr Roker after informing him that he could retire to rest at whatever hour he thought proper without any further notice or formality walked off leaving him standing with Sam in the gallery It was getting dark that is to say a few gas jets were kindled in this place which was never light by way of compliment to the evening which had set in outside As it was rather warm some of the tenants of the numerous little rooms which opened into the gallery on either hand had set their doors ajar Mr Pickwick peeped into them as he passed along with great curiosity and interest Here four or five great hulking fellows just visible through a cloud of tobacco smoke were engaged in noisy and riotous conversation over halfemptied pots of beer or playing at allfours with a very greasy pack of cards In the adjoining room some solitary tenant might be seen poring by the light of a feeble tallow candle over a bundle of soiled and tattered papers yellow with dust and dropping to pieces from age writing for the hundredth time some lengthened statement of his grievances for the perusal of some great man whose eyes it would never reach or whose heart it would never touch In a third a man with his wife and a whole crowd of children might be seen making up a scanty bed on the ground or upon a few chairs for the younger ones to pass the night in And in a fourth and a fifth and a sixth and a seventh the noise and the beer and the tobacco smoke and the cards all came over again in greater force than before In the galleries themselves and more especially on the staircases there lingered a great number of people who came there some because their rooms were empty and lonesome others because their rooms were full and hot the greater part because they were restless and uncomfortable and not possessed of the secret of exactly knowing what to do with themselves There were many classes of people here from the labouring man in his fustian jacket to the brokendown spendthrift in his shawl dressinggown most appropriately out at elbows but there was the same air about them alla kind of listless jailbird careless swagger a vagabondish whosafraid sort of bearing which is wholly indescribable in words but which any man can understand in one moment if he wish by setting foot in the nearest debtors prison and looking at the very first group of people he sees there with the same interest as Mr Pickwick did It strikes me Sam said Mr Pickwick leaning over the iron rail at the stairhead it strikes me Sam that imprisonment for debt is scarcely any punishment at all Think not sir inquired Mr Weller You see how these fellows drink and smoke and roar replied Mr Pickwick Its quite impossible that they can mind it much Ah thats just the wery thing Sir rejoined Sam they dont mind it its a reglar holiday to themall porter and skittles Its the tother vuns as gets done over vith this sort o thing them down hearted fellers as cant svig avay at the beer nor play at skittles neither them as vould pay if they could and gets low by being boxed up Ill tell you wot it is sir them as is always aidlin in public houses it dont damage at all and them as is alvays aworkin wen they can it damages too much Its unekal as my father used to say wen his grog wornt made halfandhalf its unekal and thats the fault on it I think youre right Sam said Mr Pickwick after a few moments reflection quite right Praps now and then theres some honest people as likes it observed Mr Weller in a ruminative tone but I never heerd o one as I can call to mind cept the little dirtyfaced man in the brown coat and that was force of habit And who was he inquired Mr Pickwick Wy thats just the wery point as nobody never knowd replied Sam But what did he do Wy he did wot many men as has been much better knowd has done in their time Sir replied Sam he run a match agin the constable and vun it In other words I suppose said Mr Pickwick he got into debt Just that Sir replied Sam and in course o time he come here in consekens It warnt muchexecution for nine pound nothin multiplied by five for costs but howsever here he stopped for seventeen year If he got any wrinkles in his face they were stopped up vith the dirt for both the dirty face and the brown coat wos just the same at the end o that time as they wos at the beginnin He wos a wery peaceful inoffendin little creetur and wos alvays abustlin about for somebody or playin rackets and never vinnin till at last the turnkeys they got quite fond on him and he wos in the lodge evry night achattering vith em and tellin stories and all that ere Vun night he wos in there as usual along vith a wery old friend of his as wos on the lock ven he says all of a sudden I aint seen the market outside Bill he says Fleet Market wos there at that timeI aint seen the market outside Bill he says for seventeen year I know you aint says the turnkey smoking his pipe I should like to see it for a minit Bill he says Wery probable says the turnkey smoking his pipe wery fierce and making believe he warnt up to wot the little man wanted Bill says the little man more abrupt than afore Ive got the fancy in my head Let me see the public streets once more afore I die and if I aint struck with apoplexy Ill be back in five minits by the clock And wot ud become o me if you wos struck with apoplexy said the turnkey Wy says the little creetur whoever found me ud bring me home for Ive got my card in my pocket Bill he says No 20 Coffeeroom Flight and that wos true sure enough for wen he wanted to make the acquaintance of any newcomer he used to pull out a little limp card vith them words on it and nothin else in consideration of vich he vos alvays called Number Tventy The turnkey takes a fixed look at him and at last he says in a solemn manner Tventy he says Ill trust you you Wont get your old friend into trouble No my boy I hope Ive somethin better behind here says the little man and as he said it he hit his little vesket wery hard and then a tear started out o each eye which wos wery extraordinary for it wos supposed as water never touched his face He shook the turnkey by the hand out he vent And never came back again said Mr Pickwick Wrong for vunce sir replied Mr Weller for back he come two minits afore the time abilin with rage sayin how hed been nearly run over by a hackneycoach that he warnt used to it and he was blowed if he wouldnt write to the lord mayor They got him pacified at last and for five years arter that he never even so much as peeped out o the lodge gate At the expiration of that time he died I suppose said Mr Pickwick No he didnt Sir replied Sam He got a curiosity to go and taste the beer at a new publichouse over the way and it wos such a wery nice parlour that he took it into his head to go there every night which he did for a long time always comin back reglar about a quarter of an hour afore the gate shut which was all wery snug and comfortable At last he began to get so precious jolly that he used to forget how the time vent or care nothin at all about it and he went on gettin later and later till vun night his old friend wos just ashuttin the gate had turned the key in factwen he come up Hold hard Bill he says Wot aint you come home yet Tventy says the turnkey I thought you wos in long ago No I wasnt says the little man with a smile Well then Ill tell you wot it is my friend says the turnkey openin the gate wery slow and sulky its my pinion as youve got into bad company o late which Im wery sorry to see Now I dont wish to do nothing harsh he says but if you cant confine yourself to steady circles and find your vay back at reglar hours as sure as youre astandin there Ill shut you out altogether The little man was seized vith a wiolent fit o tremblin and never vent outside the prison walls artervards As Sam concluded Mr Pickwick slowly retraced his steps downstairs After a few thoughtful turns in the Painted Ground which as it was now dark was nearly deserted he intimated to Mr Weller that he thought it high time for him to withdraw for the night requesting him to seek a bed in some adjacent publichouse and return early in the morning to make arrangements for the removal of his masters wardrobe from the George and Vulture This request Mr Samuel Weller prepared to obey with as good a grace as he could assume but with a very considerable show of reluctance nevertheless He even went so far as to essay sundry ineffectual hints regarding the expediency of stretching himself on the gravel for that night but finding Mr Pickwick obstinately deaf to any such suggestions finally withdrew There is no disguising the fact that Mr Pickwick felt very lowspirited and uncomfortablenot for lack of society for the prison was very full and a bottle of wine would at once have purchased the utmost good fellowship of a few choice spirits without any more formal ceremony of introduction but he was alone in the coarse vulgar crowd and felt the depression of spirits and sinking of heart naturally consequent on the reflection that he was cooped and caged up without a prospect of liberation As to the idea of releasing himself by ministering to the sharpness of Dodson Fogg it never for an instant entered his thoughts In this frame of mind he turned again into the coffeeroom gallery and walked slowly to and fro The place was intolerably dirty and the smell of tobacco smoke perfectly suffocating There was a perpetual slamming and banging of doors as the people went in and out and the noise of their voices and footsteps echoed and reechoed through the passages constantly A young woman with a child in her arms who seemed scarcely able to crawl from emaciation and misery was walking up and down the passage in conversation with her husband who had no other place to see her in As they passed Mr Pickwick he could hear the female sob bitterly and once she burst into such a passion of grief that she was compelled to lean against the wall for support while the man took the child in his arms and tried to soothe her Mr Pickwicks heart was really too full to bear it and he went upstairs to bed Now although the warders room was a very uncomfortable one being in every point of decoration and convenience several hundred degrees inferior to the common infirmary of a county jail it had at present the merit of being wholly deserted save by Mr Pickwick himself So he sat down at the foot of his little iron bedstead and began to wonder how much a year the warder made out of the dirty room Having satisfied himself by mathematical calculation that the apartment was about equal in annual value to the freehold of a small street in the suburbs of London he took to wondering what possible temptation could have induced a dingylooking fly that was crawling over his pantaloons to come into a close prison when he had the choice of so many airy situationsa course of meditation which led him to the irresistible conclusion that the insect was insane After settling this point he began to be conscious that he was getting sleepy whereupon he took his nightcap out of the pocket in which he had had the precaution to stow it in the morning and leisurely undressing himself got into bed and fell asleep Bravo Heel over toecut and shufflepay away at it Zephyr Im smothered if the opera house isnt your proper hemisphere Keep it up Hooray These expressions delivered in a most boisterous tone and accompanied with loud peals of laughter roused Mr Pickwick from one of those sound slumbers which lasting in reality some halfhour seem to the sleeper to have been protracted for three weeks or a month The voice had no sooner ceased than the room was shaken with such violence that the windows rattled in their frames and the bedsteads trembled again Mr Pickwick started up and remained for some minutes fixed in mute astonishment at the scene before him On the floor of the room a man in a broadskirted green coat with corduroy kneesmalls and gray cotton stockings was performing the most popular steps of a hornpipe with a slang and burlesque caricature of grace and lightness which combined with the very appropriate character of his costume was inexpressibly absurd Another man evidently very drunk who had probably been tumbled into bed by his companions was sitting up between the sheets warbling as much as he could recollect of a comic song with the most intensely sentimental feeling and expression while a third seated on one of the bedsteads was applauding both performers with the air of a profound connoisseur and encouraging them by such ebullitions of feeling as had already roused Mr Pickwick from his sleep This last man was an admirable specimen of a class of gentry which never can be seen in full perfection but in such placesthey may be met with in an imperfect state occasionally about stableyards and Public houses but they never attain their full bloom except in these hotbeds which would almost seem to be considerately provided by the legislature for the sole purpose of rearing them He was a tall fellow with an olive complexion long dark hair and very thick bushy whiskers meeting under his chin He wore no neckerchief as he had been playing rackets all day and his open shirt collar displayed their full luxuriance On his head he wore one of the common eighteenpenny French skullcaps with a gaudy tassel dangling therefrom very happily in keeping with a common fustian coat His legs which being long were afflicted with weakness graced a pair of Oxford mixture trousers made to show the full symmetry of those limbs Being somewhat negligently braced however and moreover but imperfectly buttoned they fell in a series of not the most graceful folds over a pair of shoes sufficiently down at heel to display a pair of very soiled white stockings There was a rakish vagabond smartness and a kind of boastful rascality about the whole man that was worth a mine of gold This figure was the first to perceive that Mr Pickwick was looking on upon which he winked to the Zephyr and entreated him with mock gravity not to wake the gentleman Why bless the gentlemans honest heart and soul said the Zephyr turning round and affecting the extremity of surprise the gentleman is awake Hem Shakespeare How do you do Sir How is Mary and Sarah sir and the dear old lady at home Sir Will you have the kindness to put my compliments into the first little parcel youre sending that way sir and say that I would have sent em before only I was afraid they might be broken in the wagon sir Dont overwhelm the gentlemen with ordinary civilities when you see hes anxious to have something to drink said the gentleman with the whiskers with a jocose air Why dont you ask the gentleman what hell take Dear me I quite forgot replied the other What will you take sir Will you take port wine sir or sherry wine sir I can recommend the ale sir or perhaps youd like to taste the porter sir Allow me to have the felicity of hanging up your nightcap Sir With this the speaker snatched that article of dress from Mr Pickwicks head and fixed it in a twinkling on that of the drunken man who firmly impressed with the belief that he was delighting a numerous assembly continued to hammer away at the comic song in the most melancholy strains imaginable Taking a mans nightcap from his brow by violent means and adjusting it on the head of an unknown gentleman of dirty exterior however ingenious a witticism in itself is unquestionably one of those which come under the denomination of practical jokes Viewing the matter precisely in this light Mr Pickwick without the slightest intimation of his purpose sprang vigorously out of bed struck the Zephyr so smart a blow in the chest as to deprive him of a considerable portion of the commodity which sometimes bears his name and then recapturing his nightcap boldly placed himself in an attitude of defence Now said Mr Pickwick gasping no less from excitement than from the expenditure of so much energy come onboth of youboth of you With this liberal invitation the worthy gentleman communicated a revolving motion to his clenched fists by way of appalling his antagonists with a display of science It might have been Mr Pickwicks very unexpected gallantry or it might have been the complicated manner in which he had got himself out of bed and fallen all in a mass upon the hornpipe man that touched his adversaries Touched they were for instead of then and there making an attempt to commit manslaughter as Mr Pickwick implicitly believed they would have done they paused stared at each other a short time and finally laughed outright Well youre a trump and I like you all the better for it said the Zephyr Now jump into bed again or youll catch the rheumatics No malice I hope said the man extending a hand the size of the yellow clump of fingers which sometimes swings over a glovers door Certainly not said Mr Pickwick with great alacrity for now that the excitement was over he began to feel rather cool about the legs Allow me the Honour said the gentleman with the whiskers presenting his dexter hand and aspirating the h With much pleasure sir said Mr Pickwick and having executed a very long and solemn shake he got into bed again My name is Smangle sir said the man with the whiskers Oh said Mr Pickwick Mine is Mivins said the man in the stockings I am delighted to hear it sir said Mr Pickwick Hem coughed Mr Smangle Did you speak sir said Mr Pickwick No I did not sir said Mr Smangle All this was very genteel and pleasant and to make matters still more comfortable Mr Smangle assured Mr Pickwick a great many more times that he entertained a very high respect for the feelings of a gentleman which sentiment indeed did him infinite credit as he could be in no wise supposed to understand them Are you going through the court sir inquired Mr Smangle Through the what said Mr Pickwick Through the courtPortugal Streetthe Court for Relief ofyou know Oh no replied Mr Pickwick No I am not Going out perhaps suggested Mr Mivins I fear not replied Mr Pickwick I refuse to pay some damages and am here in consequence Ah said Mr Smangle paper has been my ruin A stationer I presume Sir said Mr Pickwick innocently Stationer No no confound and curse me Not so low as that No trade When I say paper I mean bills Oh you use the word in that sense I see said Mr Pickwick Damme A gentleman must expect reverses said Smangle What of that Here am I in the Fleet Prison Well good What then Im none the worse for that am I Not a bit replied Mr Mivins And he was quite right for so far from Mr Smangle being any the worse for it he was something the better inasmuch as to qualify himself for the place he had attained gratuitous possession of certain articles of jewellery which long before that had found their way to the pawnbrokers Well but come said Mr Smangle this is dry work Lets rinse our mouths with a drop of burnt sherry the lastcomer shall stand it Mivins shall fetch it and Ill help to drink it Thats a fair and gentlemanlike division of labour anyhow Curse me Unwilling to hazard another quarrel Mr Pickwick gladly assented to the proposition and consigned the money to Mr Mivins who as it was nearly eleven oclock lost no time in repairing to the coffeeroom on his errand I say whispered Smangle the moment his friend had left the room what did you give him Half a sovereign said Mr Pickwick Hes a devilish pleasant gentlemanly dog said Mr Smangleinfernal pleasant I dont know anybody more so but Here Mr Smangle stopped short and shook his head dubiously You dont think there is any probability of his appropriating the money to his own use said Mr Pickwick Oh no Mind I dont say that I expressly say that hes a devilish gentlemanly fellow said Mr Smangle But I think perhaps if somebody went down just to see that he didnt dip his beak into the jug by accident or make some confounded mistake in losing the money as he came upstairs it would be as well Here you sir just run downstairs and look after that gentleman will you This request was addressed to a little timidlooking nervous man whose appearance bespoke great poverty and who had been crouching on his bedstead all this while apparently stupefied by the novelty of his situation You know where the coffeeroom is said Smangle just run down and tell that gentleman youve come to help him up with the jug Orstop Ill tell you whatIll tell you how well do him said Smangle with a cunning look How said Mr Pickwick Send down word that hes to spend the change in cigars Capital thought Run and tell him that dye hear They shant be wasted continued Smangle turning to Mr Pickwick Ill smoke em This manoeuvring was so exceedingly ingenious and withal performed with such immovable composure and coolness that Mr Pickwick would have had no wish to disturb it even if he had had the power In a short time Mr Mivins returned bearing the sherry which Mr Smangle dispensed in two little cracked mugs considerately remarking with reference to himself that a gentleman must not be particular under such circumstances and that for his part he was not too proud to drink out of the jug In which to show his sincerity he forthwith pledged the company in a draught which half emptied it An excellent understanding having been by these means promoted Mr Smangle proceeded to entertain his hearers with a relation of divers romantic adventures in which he had been from time to time engaged involving various interesting anecdotes of a thoroughbred horse and a magnificent Jewess both of surpassing beauty and much coveted by the nobility and gentry of these kingdoms Long before these elegant extracts from the biography of a gentleman were concluded Mr Mivins had betaken himself to bed and had set in snoring for the night leaving the timid stranger and Mr Pickwick to the full benefit of Mr Smangles experiences Nor were the two lastnamed gentlemen as much edified as they might have been by the moving passages narrated Mr Pickwick had been in a state of slumber for some time when he had a faint perception of the drunken man bursting out afresh with the comic song and receiving from Mr Smangle a gentle intimation through the medium of the waterjug that his audience was not musically disposed Mr Pickwick then once again dropped off to sleep with a confused consciousness that Mr Smangle was still engaged in relating a long story the chief point of which appeared to be that on some occasion particularly stated and set forth he had done a bill and a gentleman at the same time CHAPTER XLII ILLUSTRATIVE LIKE THE PRECEDING ONE OF THE OLD PROVERB THAT ADVERSITY BRINGS A MAN ACQUAINTED WITH STRANGE BEDFELLOWS LIKEWISE CONTAINING MR PICKWICKS EXTRAORDINARY AND STARTLING ANNOUNCEMENT TO MR SAMUEL WELLER When Mr Pickwick opened his eyes next morning the first object upon which they rested was Samuel Weller seated upon a small black portmanteau intently regarding apparently in a condition of profound abstraction the stately figure of the dashing Mr Smangle while Mr Smangle himself who was already partially dressed was seated on his bedstead occupied in the desperately hopeless attempt of staring Mr Weller out of countenance We say desperately hopeless because Sam with a comprehensive gaze which took in Mr Smangles cap feet head face legs and whiskers all at the same time continued to look steadily on with every demonstration of lively satisfaction but with no more regard to Mr Smangles personal sentiments on the subject than he would have displayed had he been inspecting a wooden statue or a strawembowelled Guy Fawkes Well will you know me again said Mr Smangle with a frown Id svear to you anyveres Sir replied Sam cheerfully Dont be impertinent to a gentleman Sir said Mr Smangle Not on no account replied Sam If youll tell me wen he wakes Ill be upon the wery best extrasuper behaviour This observation having a remote tendency to imply that Mr Smangle was no gentleman kindled his ire Mivins said Mr Smangle with a passionate air Whats the office replied that gentleman from his couch Who the devil is this fellow Gad said Mr Mivins looking lazily out from under the bedclothes I ought to ask you that Hasnt he any business here No replied Mr Smangle Then knock him downstairs and tell him not to presume to get up till I come and kick him rejoined Mr Mivins with this prompt advice that excellent gentleman again betook himself to slumber The conversation exhibiting these unequivocal symptoms of verging on the personal Mr Pickwick deemed it a fit point at which to interpose Sam said Mr Pickwick Sir rejoined that gentleman Has anything new occurred since last night Nothin partickler sir replied Sam glancing at Mr Smangles whiskers the late prewailance of a close and confined atmosphere has been rayther favourable to the growth of veeds of an alarmin and sangvinary natur but vith that ere exception things is quiet enough I shall get up said Mr Pickwick give me some clean things Whatever hostile intentions Mr Smangle might have entertained his thoughts were speedily diverted by the unpacking of the portmanteau the contents of which appeared to impress him at once with a most favourable opinion not only of Mr Pickwick but of Sam also who he took an early opportunity of declaring in a tone of voice loud enough for that eccentric personage to overhear was a regular thoroughbred original and consequently the very man after his own heart As to Mr Pickwick the affection he conceived for him knew no limits Now is there anything I can do for you my dear Sir said Smangle Nothing that I am aware of I am obliged to you replied Mr Pickwick No linen that you want sent to the washerwomans I know a delightful washerwoman outside that comes for my things twice a week and by Jovehow devilish luckythis is the day she calls Shall I put any of those little things up with mine Dont say anything about the trouble Confound and curse it if one gentleman under a cloud is not to put himself a little out of the way to assist another gentleman in the same condition whats human nature Thus spake Mr Smangle edging himself meanwhile as near as possible to the portmanteau and beaming forth looks of the most fervent and disinterested friendship Theres nothing you want to give out for the man to brush my dear creature is there resumed Smangle Nothin whatever my fine feller rejoined Sam taking the reply into his own mouth Praps if vun of us wos to brush without troubling the man it ud be more agreeable for all parties as the schoolmaster said when the young gentleman objected to being flogged by the butler And theres nothing I can send in my little box to the washerwomans is there said Smangle turning from Sam to Mr Pickwick with an air of some discomfiture Nothin whatever Sir retorted Sam Im afeered the little box must be chock full o your own as it is This speech was accompanied with such a very expressive look at that particular portion of Mr Smangles attire by the appearance of which the skill of laundresses in getting up gentlemens linen is generally tested that he was fain to turn upon his heel and for the present at any rate to give up all design on Mr Pickwicks purse and wardrobe He accordingly retired in dudgeon to the racketground where he made a light and wholesome breakfast on a couple of the cigars which had been purchased on the previous night Mr Mivins who was no smoker and whose account for small articles of chandlery had also reached down to the bottom of the slate and been carried over to the other side remained in bed and in his own words took it out in sleep After breakfasting in a small closet attached to the coffeeroom which bore the imposing title of the Snuggery the temporary inmate of which in consideration of a small additional charge had the unspeakable advantage of overhearing all the conversation in the coffeeroom aforesaid and after despatching Mr Weller on some necessary errands Mr Pickwick repaired to the lodge to consult Mr Roker concerning his future accommodation Accommodation eh said that gentleman consulting a large book Plenty of that Mr Pickwick Your chummage ticket will be on twenty seven in the third Oh said Mr Pickwick My what did you say Your chummage ticket replied Mr Roker youre up to that Not quite replied Mr Pickwick with a smile Why said Mr Roker its as plain as Salisbury Youll have a chummage ticket upon twentyseven in the third and them as is in the room will be your chums Are there many of them inquired Mr Pickwick dubiously Three replied Mr Roker Mr Pickwick coughed One of ems a parson said Mr Roker filling up a little piece of paper as he spoke anothers a butcher Eh exclaimed Mr Pickwick A butcher repeated Mr Roker giving the nib of his pen a tap on the desk to cure it of a disinclination to mark What a thoroughpaced goer he used to be surely You remember Tom Martin Neddy said Roker appealing to another man in the lodge who was paring the mud off his shoes with a fiveandtwentybladed pocketknife I should think so replied the party addressed with a strong emphasis on the personal pronoun Bless my dear eyes said Mr Roker shaking his head slowly from side to side and gazing abstractedly out of the grated windows before him as if he were fondly recalling some peaceful scene of his early youth it seems but yesterday that he whopped the coalheaver down Foxunder theHill by the wharf there I think I can see him now acoming up the Strand between the two streetkeepers a little sobered by the bruising with a patch o winegar and brown paper over his right eyelid and that ere lovely bulldog as pinned the little boy arterwards afollowing at his heels What a rum thing time is aint it Neddy The gentleman to whom these observations were addressed who appeared of a taciturn and thoughtful cast merely echoed the inquiry Mr Roker shaking off the poetical and gloomy train of thought into which he had been betrayed descended to the common business of life and resumed his pen Do you know what the third gentlemen is inquired Mr Pickwick not very much gratified by this description of his future associates What is that Simpson Neddy said Mr Roker turning to his companion What Simpson said Neddy Why him in twentyseven in the third that this gentlemans going to be chummed on Oh him replied Neddy hes nothing exactly He was a horse chaunter hes a leg now Ah so I thought rejoined Mr Roker closing the book and placing the small piece of paper in Mr Pickwicks hands Thats the ticket sir Very much perplexed by this summary disposition of this person Mr Pickwick walked back into the prison revolving in his mind what he had better do Convinced however that before he took any other steps it would be advisable to see and hold personal converse with the three gentlemen with whom it was proposed to quarter him he made the best of his way to the third flight After groping about in the gallery for some time attempting in the dim light to decipher the numbers on the different doors he at length appealed to a potboy who happened to be pursuing his morning occupation of gleaning for pewter Which is twentyseven my good fellow said Mr Pickwick Five doors farther on replied the potboy Theres the likeness of a man being hung and smoking the while chalked outside the door Guided by this direction Mr Pickwick proceeded slowly along the gallery until he encountered the portrait of a gentleman above described upon whose countenance he tapped with the knuckle of his forefingergently at first and then audibly After repeating this process several times without effect he ventured to open the door and peep in There was only one man in the room and he was leaning out of window as far as he could without overbalancing himself endeavouring with great perseverance to spit upon the crown of the hat of a personal friend on the parade below As neither speaking coughing sneezing knocking nor any other ordinary mode of attracting attention made this person aware of the presence of a visitor Mr Pickwick after some delay stepped up to the window and pulled him gently by the coat tail The individual brought in his head and shoulders with great swiftness and surveying Mr Pickwick from head to foot demanded in a surly tone what the something beginning with a capital Hhe wanted I believe said Mr Pickwick consulting his ticketI believe this is twentyseven in the third Well replied the gentleman I have come here in consequence of receiving this bit of paper rejoined Mr Pickwick Hand it over said the gentleman Mr Pickwick complied I think Roker might have chummed you somewhere else said Mr Simpson for it was the leg after a very discontented sort of a pause Mr Pickwick thought so also but under all the circumstances he considered it a matter of sound policy to be silent Mr Simpson mused for a few moments after this and then thrusting his head out of the window gave a shrill whistle and pronounced some word aloud several times What the word was Mr Pickwick could not distinguish but he rather inferred that it must be some nickname which distinguished Mr Martin from the fact of a great number of gentlemen on the ground below immediately proceeding to cry Butcher in imitation of the tone in which that useful class of society are wont diurnally to make their presence known at area railings Subsequent occurrences confirmed the accuracy of Mr Pickwicks impression for in a few seconds a gentleman prematurely broad for his years clothed in a professional blue jean frock and topboots with circular toes entered the room nearly out of breath closely followed by another gentleman in very shabby black and a sealskin cap The latter gentleman who fastened his coat all the way up to his chin by means of a pin and a button alternately had a very coarse red face and looked like a drunken chaplain which indeed he was These two gentlemen having by turns perused Mr Pickwicks billet the one expressed his opinion that it was a rig and the other his conviction that it was a go Having recorded their feelings in these very intelligible terms they looked at Mr Pickwick and each other in awkward silence Its an aggravating thing just as we got the beds so snug said the chaplain looking at three dirty mattresses each rolled up in a blanket which occupied one corner of the room during the day and formed a kind of slab on which were placed an old cracked basin ewer and soapdish of common yellow earthenware with a blue flowervery aggravating Mr Martin expressed the same opinion in rather stronger terms Mr Simpson after having let a variety of expletive adjectives loose upon society without any substantive to accompany them tucked up his sleeves and began to wash the greens for dinner While this was going on Mr Pickwick had been eyeing the room which was filthily dirty and smelt intolerably close There was no vestige of either carpet curtain or blind There was not even a closet in it Unquestionably there were but few things to put away if there had been one but however few in number or small in individual amount still remnants of loaves and pieces of cheese and damp towels and scrags of meat and articles of wearing apparel and mutilated crockery and bellows without nozzles and toastingforks without prongs do present somewhat of an uncomfortable appearance when they are scattered about the floor of a small apartment which is the common sitting and sleeping room of three idle men I suppose this can be managed somehow said the butcher after a pretty long silence What will you take to go out I beg your pardon replied Mr Pickwick What did you say I hardly understand you What will you take to be paid out said the butcher The regular chummage is twoandsix Will you take three bob And a bender suggested the clerical gentleman Well I dont mind that its only twopence a piece more said Mr Martin What do you say now Well pay you out for threeandsixpence a week Come And stand a gallon of beer down chimed in Mr Simpson There And drink it on the spot said the chaplain Now I really am so wholly ignorant of the rules of this place returned Mr Pickwick that I do not yet comprehend you Can I live anywhere else I thought I could not At this inquiry Mr Martin looked with a countenance of excessive surprise at his two friends and then each gentleman pointed with his right thumb over his left shoulder This action imperfectly described in words by the very feeble term of over the left when performed by any number of ladies or gentlemen who are accustomed to act in unison has a very graceful and airy effect its expression is one of light and playful sarcasm Can you repeated Mr Martin with a smile of pity Well if I knew as little of life as that Id eat my hat and swallow the buckle whole said the clerical gentleman So would I added the sporting one solemnly After this introductory preface the three chums informed Mr Pickwick in a breath that money was in the Fleet just what money was out of it that it would instantly procure him almost anything he desired and that supposing he had it and had no objection to spend it if he only signified his wish to have a room to himself he might take possession of one furnished and fitted to boot in half an hours time With this the parties separated very much to their common satisfaction Mr Pickwick once more retracing his steps to the lodge and the three companions adjourning to the coffeeroom there to spend the five shillings which the clerical gentleman had with admirable prudence and foresight borrowed of him for the purpose I knowed it said Mr Roker with a chuckle when Mr Pickwick stated the object with which he had returned Didnt I say so Neddy The philosophical owner of the universal penknife growled an affirmative I knowed youd want a room for yourself bless you said Mr Roker Let me see Youll want some furniture Youll hire that of me I suppose Thats the reglar thing With great pleasure replied Mr Pickwick Theres a capital room up in the coffeeroom flight that belongs to a Chancery prisoner said Mr Roker Itll stand you in a pound a week I suppose you dont mind that Not at all said Mr Pickwick Just step there with me said Roker taking up his hat with great alacrity the matters settled in five minutes Lord why didnt you say at first that you was willing to come down handsome The matter was soon arranged as the turnkey had foretold The Chancery prisoner had been there long enough to have lost his friends fortune home and happiness and to have acquired the right of having a room to himself As he laboured however under the inconvenience of often wanting a morsel of bread he eagerly listened to Mr Pickwicks proposal to rent the apartment and readily covenanted and agreed to yield him up the sole and undisturbed possession thereof in consideration of the weekly payment of twenty shillings from which fund he furthermore contracted to pay out any person or persons that might be chummed upon it As they struck the bargain Mr Pickwick surveyed him with a painful interest He was a tall gaunt cadaverous man in an old greatcoat and slippers with sunken cheeks and a restless eager eye His lips were bloodless and his bones sharp and thin God help him the iron teeth of confinement and privation had been slowly filing him down for twenty years And where will you live meanwhile Sir said Mr Pickwick as he laid the amount of the first weeks rent in advance on the tottering table The man gathered up the money with a trembling hand and replied that he didnt know yet he must go and see where he could move his bed to I am afraid sir said Mr Pickwick laying his hand gently and compassionately on his armI am afraid you will have to live in some noisy crowded place Now pray consider this room your own when you want quiet or when any of your friends come to see you Friends interposed the man in a voice which rattled in his throat if I lay dead at the bottom of the deepest mine in the world tight screwed down and soldered in my coffin rotting in the dark and filthy ditch that drags its slime along beneath the foundations of this prison I could not be more forgotten or unheeded than I am here I am a dead man dead to society without the pity they bestow on those whose souls have passed to judgment Friends to see me My God I have sunk from the prime of life into old age in this place and there is not one to raise his hand above my bed when I lie dead upon it and say It is a blessing he is gone The excitement which had cast an unwonted light over the mans face while he spoke subsided as he concluded and pressing his withered hands together in a hasty and disordered manner he shuffled from the room Rides rather rusty said Mr Roker with a smile Ah theyre like the elephants They feel it now and then and it makes em wild Having made this deeplysympathising remark Mr Roker entered upon his arrangements with such expedition that in a short time the room was furnished with a carpet six chairs a table a sofa bedstead a tea kettle and various small articles on hire at the very reasonable rate of sevenandtwenty shillings and sixpence per week Now is there anything more we can do for you inquired Mr Roker looking round with great satisfaction and gaily chinking the first weeks hire in his closed fist Why yes said Mr Pickwick who had been musing deeply for some time Are there any people here who run on errands and so forth Outside do you mean inquired Mr Roker Yes I mean who are able to go outside Not prisoners Yes there is said Roker Theres an unfortunate devil who has got a friend on the poor side thats glad to do anything of that sort Hes been running odd jobs and that for the last two months Shall I send him If you please rejoined Mr Pickwick Stay no The poor side you say I should like to see it Ill go to him myself The poor side of a debtors prison is as its name imports that in which the most miserable and abject class of debtors are confined A prisoner having declared upon the poor side pays neither rent nor chummage His fees upon entering and leaving the jail are reduced in amount and he becomes entitled to a share of some small quantities of food to provide which a few charitable persons have from time to time left trifling legacies in their wills Most of our readers will remember that until within a very few years past there was a kind of iron cage in the wall of the Fleet Prison within which was posted some man of hungry looks who from time to time rattled a moneybox and exclaimed in a mournful voice Pray remember the poor debtors pray remember the poor debtors The receipts of this box when there were any were divided among the poor prisoners and the men on the poor side relieved each other in this degrading office Although this custom has been abolished and the cage is now boarded up the miserable and destitute condition of these unhappy persons remains the same We no longer suffer them to appeal at the prison gates to the charity and compassion of the passersby but we still leave unblotted the leaves of our statute book for the reverence and admiration of succeeding ages the just and wholesome law which declares that the sturdy felon shall be fed and clothed and that the penniless debtor shall be left to die of starvation and nakedness This is no fiction Not a week passes over our head but in every one of our prisons for debt some of these men must inevitably expire in the slow agonies of want if they were not relieved by their fellowprisoners Turning these things in his mind as he mounted the narrow staircase at the foot of which Roker had left him Mr Pickwick gradually worked himself to the boilingover point and so excited was he with his reflections on this subject that he had burst into the room to which he had been directed before he had any distinct recollection either of the place in which he was or of the object of his visit The general aspect of the room recalled him to himself at once but he had no sooner cast his eye on the figure of a man who was brooding over the dusty fire than letting his hat fall on the floor he stood perfectly fixed and immovable with astonishment Yes in tattered garments and without a coat his common calico shirt yellow and in rags his hair hanging over his face his features changed with suffering and pinched with faminethere sat Mr Alfred Jingle his head resting on his hands his eyes fixed upon the fire and his whole appearance denoting misery and dejection Near him leaning listlessly against the wall stood a strongbuilt countryman flicking with a wornout huntingwhip the topboot that adorned his right foot his left being thrust into an old slipper Horses dogs and drink had brought him there pellmell There was a rusty spur on the solitary boot which he occasionally jerked into the empty air at the same time giving the boot a smart blow and muttering some of the sounds by which a sportsman encourages his horse He was riding in imagination some desperate steeplechase at that moment Poor wretch He never rode a match on the swiftest animal in his costly stud with half the speed at which he had torn along the course that ended in the Fleet On the opposite side of the room an old man was seated on a small wooden box with his eyes riveted on the floor and his face settled into an expression of the deepest and most hopeless despair A young girlhis little granddaughterwas hanging about him endeavouring with a thousand childish devices to engage his attention but the old man neither saw nor heard her The voice that had been music to him and the eyes that had been light fell coldly on his senses His limbs were shaking with disease and the palsy had fastened on his mind There were two or three other men in the room congregated in a little knot and noiselessly talking among themselves There was a lean and haggard woman tooa prisoners wifewho was watering with great solicitude the wretched stump of a driedup withered plant which it was plain to see could never send forth a green leaf againtoo true an emblem perhaps of the office she had come there to discharge Such were the objects which presented themselves to Mr Pickwicks view as he looked round him in amazement The noise of some one stumbling hastily into the room roused him Turning his eyes towards the door they encountered the newcomer and in him through his rags and dirt he recognised the familiar features of Mr Job Trotter Mr Pickwick exclaimed Job aloud Eh said Jingle starting from his seat Mr So it isqueer placestrange thingsserves me rightvery Mr Jingle thrust his hands into the place where his trousers pockets used to be and dropping his chin upon his breast sank back into his chair Mr Pickwick was affected the two men looked so very miserable The sharp involuntary glance Jingle had cast at a small piece of raw loin of mutton which Job had brought in with him said more of their reduced state than two hours explanation could have done Mr Pickwick looked mildly at Jingle and said I should like to speak to you in private Will you step out for an instant Certainly said Jingle rising hastily Cant step farno danger of overwalking yourself herespike parkgrounds prettyromantic but not extensiveopen for public inspectionfamily always in town housekeeper desperately carefulvery You have forgotten your coat said Mr Pickwick as they walked out to the staircase and closed the door after them Eh said Jingle Spoutdear relationuncle Tomcouldnt help it must eat you know Wants of natureand all that What do you mean Gone my dear sirlast coatcant help it Lived on a pair of boots whole fortnight Silk umbrellaivory handleweekfacthonourask Jobknows it Lived for three weeks upon a pair of boots and a silk umbrella with an ivory handle exclaimed Mr Pickwick who had only heard of such things in shipwrecks or read of them in Constables Miscellany True said Jingle nodding his head Pawnbrokers shopduplicates heresmall sumsmere nothingall rascals Oh said Mr Pickwick much relieved by this explanation I understand you You have pawned your wardrobe EverythingJobs tooall shirts gonenever mindsaves washing Nothing soonlie in bedstarvedieinquestlittle bonehousepoor prisonercommon necessarieshush it upgentlemen of the jury wardens tradesmenkeep it snugnatural deathcoroners order workhouse funeralserve him rightall overdrop the curtain Jingle delivered this singular summary of his prospects in life with his accustomed volubility and with various twitches of the countenance to counterfeit smiles Mr Pickwick easily perceived that his recklessness was assumed and looking him full but not unkindly in the face saw that his eyes were moist with tears Good fellow said Jingle pressing his hand and turning his head away Ungrateful dogboyish to crycant help itbad feverweak illhungry Deserved it allbut suffered muchvery Wholly unable to keep up appearances any longer and perhaps rendered worse by the effort he had made the dejected stroller sat down on the stairs and covering his face with his hands sobbed like a child Come come said Mr Pickwick with considerable emotion we will see what can be done when I know all about the matter Here Job where is that fellow Here sir replied Job presenting himself on the staircase We have described him by the bye as having deeplysunken eyes in the best of times In his present state of want and distress he looked as if those features had gone out of town altogether Here sir cried Job Come here sir said Mr Pickwick trying to look stern with four large tears running down his waistcoat Take that sir Take what In the ordinary acceptation of such language it should have been a blow As the world runs it ought to have been a sound hearty cuff for Mr Pickwick had been duped deceived and wronged by the destitute outcast who was now wholly in his power Must we tell the truth It was something from Mr Pickwicks waistcoat pocket which chinked as it was given into Jobs hand and the giving of which somehow or other imparted a sparkle to the eye and a swelling to the heart of our excellent old friend as he hurried away Sam had returned when Mr Pickwick reached his own room and was inspecting the arrangements that had been made for his comfort with a kind of grim satisfaction which was very pleasant to look upon Having a decided objection to his masters being there at all Mr Weller appeared to consider it a high moral duty not to appear too much pleased with anything that was done said suggested or proposed Well Sam said Mr Pickwick Well sir replied Mr Weller Pretty comfortable now eh Sam Pretty vell sir responded Sam looking round him in a disparaging manner Have you seen Mr Tupman and our other friends Yes I have seen em sir and theyre acomin tomorrow and wos wery much surprised to hear they warnt to come today replied Sam You have brought the things I wanted Mr Weller in reply pointed to various packages which he had arranged as neatly as he could in a corner of the room Very well Sam said Mr Pickwick after a little hesitation listen to what I am going to say Sam Certnly Sir rejoined Mr Weller fire away Sir I have felt from the first Sam said Mr Pickwick with much solemnity that this is not the place to bring a young man to Nor an old un neither Sir observed Mr Weller Youre quite right Sam said Mr Pickwick but old men may come here through their own heedlessness and unsuspicion and young men may be brought here by the selfishness of those they serve It is better for those young men in every point of view that they should not remain here Do you understand me Sam Vy no Sir I do not replied Mr Weller doggedly Try Sam said Mr Pickwick Vell sir rejoined Sam after a short pause I think I see your drift and if I do see your drift its my pinion that youre acomin it a great deal too strong as the mailcoachman said to the snowstorm ven it overtook him I see you comprehend me Sam said Mr Pickwick Independently of my wish that you should not be idling about a place like this for years to come I feel that for a debtor in the Fleet to be attended by his manservant is a monstrous absurdity Sam said Mr Pickwick for a time you must leave me Oh for a time eh sir rejoined Mr Weller rather sarcastically Yes for the time that I remain here said Mr Pickwick Your wages I shall continue to pay Any one of my three friends will be happy to take you were it only out of respect to me And if I ever do leave this place Sam added Mr Pickwick with assumed cheerfulnessif I do I pledge you my word that you shall return to me instantly Now Ill tell you wot it is Sir said Mr Weller in a grave and solemn voice This here sort o thing wont do at all so dont lets hear no more about it I am serious and resolved Sam said Mr Pickwick You air air you sir inquired Mr Weller firmly Wery good Sir then so am I Thus speaking Mr Weller fixed his hat on his head with great precision and abruptly left the room Sam cried Mr Pickwick calling after him Sam Here But the long gallery ceased to reecho the sound of footsteps Sam Weller was gone CHAPTER XLIII SHOWING HOW MR SAMUEL WELLER GOT INTO DIFFICULTIES In a lofty room illlighted and worse ventilated situated in Portugal Street Lincolns Inn Fields there sit nearly the whole year round one two three or four gentlemen in wigs as the case may be with little writingdesks before them constructed after the fashion of those used by the judges of the land barring the French polish There is a box of barristers on their right hand there is an enclosure of insolvent debtors on their left and there is an inclined plane of most especially dirty faces in their front These gentlemen are the Commissioners of the Insolvent Court and the place in which they sit is the Insolvent Court itself It is and has been time out of mind the remarkable fate of this court to be somehow or other held and understood by the general consent of all the destitute shabbygenteel people in London as their common resort and place of daily refuge It is always full The steams of beer and spirits perpetually ascend to the ceiling and being condensed by the heat roll down the walls like rain there are more old suits of clothes in it at one time than will be offered for sale in all Houndsditch in a twelvemonth more unwashed skins and grizzly beards than all the pumps and shavingshops between Tyburn and Whitechapel could render decent between sunrise and sunset It must not be supposed that any of these people have the least shadow of business in or the remotest connection with the place they so indefatigably attend If they had it would be no matter of surprise and the singularity of the thing would cease Some of them sleep during the greater part of the sitting others carry small portable dinners wrapped in pockethandkerchiefs or sticking out of their wornout pockets and munch and listen with equal relish but no one among them was ever known to have the slightest personal interest in any case that was ever brought forward Whatever they do there they sit from the first moment to the last When it is heavy rainy weather they all come in wet through and at such times the vapours of the court are like those of a funguspit A casual visitor might suppose this place to be a temple dedicated to the Genius of Seediness There is not a messenger or processserver attached to it who wears a coat that was made for him not a tolerably fresh or wholesomelooking man in the whole establishment except a little whiteheaded applefaced tipstaff and even he like an ill conditioned cherry preserved in brandy seems to have artificially dried and withered up into a state of preservation to which he can lay no natural claim The very barristers wigs are illpowdered and their curls lack crispness But the attorneys who sit at a large bare table below the commissioners are after all the greatest curiosities The professional establishment of the more opulent of these gentlemen consists of a blue bag and a boy generally a youth of the Jewish persuasion They have no fixed offices their legal business being transacted in the parlours of publichouses or the yards of prisons whither they repair in crowds and canvass for customers after the manner of omnibus cads They are of a greasy and mildewed appearance and if they can be said to have any vices at all perhaps drinking and cheating are the most conspicuous among them Their residences are usually on the outskirts of the Rules chiefly lying within a circle of one mile from the obelisk in St Georges Fields Their looks are not prepossessing and their manners are peculiar Mr Solomon Pell one of this learned body was a fat flabby pale man in a surtout which looked green one minute and brown the next with a velvet collar of the same chameleon tints His forehead was narrow his face wide his head large and his nose all on one side as if Nature indignant with the propensities she observed in him in his birth had given it an angry tweak which it had never recovered Being shortnecked and asthmatic however he respired principally through this feature so perhaps what it wanted in ornament it made up in usefulness Im sure to bring him through it said Mr Pell Are you though replied the person to whom the assurance was pledged Certain sure replied Pell but if hed gone to any irregular practitioner mind you I wouldnt have answered for the consequences Ah said the other with open mouth No that I wouldnt said Mr Pell and he pursed up his lips frowned and shook his head mysteriously Now the place where this discourse occurred was the publichouse just opposite to the Insolvent Court and the person with whom it was held was no other than the elder Mr Weller who had come there to comfort and console a friend whose petition to be discharged under the act was to be that day heard and whose attorney he was at that moment consulting And vere is George inquired the old gentleman Mr Pell jerked his head in the direction of a back parlour whither Mr Weller at once repairing was immediately greeted in the warmest and most flattering manner by some halfdozen of his professional brethren in token of their gratification at his arrival The insolvent gentleman who had contracted a speculative but imprudent passion for horsing long stages which had led to his present embarrassments looked extremely well and was soothing the excitement of his feelings with shrimps and porter The salutation between Mr Weller and his friends was strictly confined to the freemasonry of the craft consisting of a jerking round of the right wrist and a tossing of the little finger into the air at the same time We once knew two famous coachmen they are dead now poor fellows who were twins and between whom an unaffected and devoted attachment existed They passed each other on the Dover road every day for twentyfour years never exchanging any other greeting than this and yet when one died the other pined away and soon afterwards followed him Vell George said Mr Weller senior taking off his upper coat and seating himself with his accustomed gravity How is it All right behind and full inside All right old feller replied the embarrassed gentleman Is the gray mare made over to anybody inquired Mr Weller anxiously George nodded in the affirmative Vell thats all right said Mr Weller Coach taken care on also Consigned in a safe quarter replied George wringing the heads off half a dozen shrimps and swallowing them without any more ado Wery good wery good said Mr Weller Alvays see to the drag ven you go downhill Is the vaybill all clear and straight forerd The schedule sir said Pell guessing at Mr Wellers meaning the schedule is as plain and satisfactory as pen and ink can make it Mr Weller nodded in a manner which bespoke his inward approval of these arrangements and then turning to Mr Pell said pointing to his friend George Ven do you take his cloths off Why replied Mr Pell he stands third on the opposed list and I should think it would be his turn in about half an hour I told my clerk to come over and tell us when there was a chance Mr Weller surveyed the attorney from head to foot with great admiration and said emphatically And whatll you take sir Why really replied Mr Pell youre very Upon my word and honour Im not in the habit of Its so very early in the morning that actually I am almost Well you may bring me threepennorth of rum my dear The officiating damsel who had anticipated the order before it was given set the glass of spirits before Pell and retired Gentlemen said Mr Pell looking round upon the company success to your friend I dont like to boast gentlemen its not my way but I cant help saying that if your friend hadnt been fortunate enough to fall into hands thatBut I wont say what I was going to say Gentlemen my service to you Having emptied the glass in a twinkling Mr Pell smacked his lips and looked complacently round on the assembled coachmen who evidently regarded him as a species of divinity Let me see said the legal authority What was I asaying gentlemen I think you was remarkin as you wouldnt have no objection to another o the same Sir said Mr Weller with grave facetiousness Ha ha laughed Mr Pell Not bad not bad A professional man too At this time of the morning it would be rather too good aWell I dont know my dearyou may do that again if you please Hem This last sound was a solemn and dignified cough in which Mr Pell observing an indecent tendency to mirth in some of his auditors considered it due to himself to indulge The late Lord Chancellor gentlemen was very fond of me said Mr Pell And wery creditable in him too interposed Mr Weller Hear hear assented Mr Pells client Why shouldnt he be Ah Why indeed said a very redfaced man who had said nothing yet and who looked extremely unlikely to say anything more Why shouldnt he A murmur of assent ran through the company I remember gentlemen said Mr Pell dining with him on one occasion there was only us two but everything as splendid as if twenty people had been expectedthe great seal on a dumbwaiter at his right hand and a man in a bagwig and suit of armour guarding the mace with a drawn sword and silk stockingswhich is perpetually done gentlemen night and day when he said Pell he said no false delicacy Pell Youre a man of talent you can get anybody through the Insolvent Court Pell and your country should be proud of you Those were his very words My Lord I said you flatter mePell he said if I do Im damned Did he say that inquired Mr Weller He did replied Pell Vell then said Mr Weller I say Parliament ought to ha took it up and if hed been a poor man they would ha done it But my dear friend argued Mr Pell it was in confidence In what said Mr Weller In confidence Oh wery good replied Mr Weller after a little reflection If he damned hisself in confidence o course that was another thing Of course it was said Mr Pell The distinctions obvious you will perceive Alters the case entirely said Mr Weller Go on Sir No I will not go on Sir said Mr Pell in a low and serious tone You have reminded me Sir that this conversation was privateprivate and confidential gentlemen Gentlemen I am a professional man It may be that I am a good deal looked up to in my professionit may be that I am not Most people know I say nothing Observations have already been made in this room injurious to the reputation of my noble friend You will excuse me gentlemen I was imprudent I feel that I have no right to mention this matter without his concurrence Thank you Sir thank you Thus delivering himself Mr Pell thrust his hands into his pockets and frowning grimly around rattled three halfpence with terrible determination This virtuous resolution had scarcely been formed when the boy and the blue bag who were inseparable companions rushed violently into the room and said at least the boy did for the blue bag took no part in the announcement that the case was coming on directly The intelligence was no sooner received than the whole party hurried across the street and began to fight their way into courta preparatory ceremony which has been calculated to occupy in ordinary cases from twentyfive minutes to thirty Mr Weller being stout cast himself at once into the crowd with the desperate hope of ultimately turning up in some place which would suit him His success was not quite equal to his expectations for having neglected to take his hat off it was knocked over his eyes by some unseen person upon whose toes he had alighted with considerable force Apparently this individual regretted his impetuosity immediately afterwards for muttering an indistinct exclamation of surprise he dragged the old man out into the hall and after a violent struggle released his head and face Samivel exclaimed Mr Weller when he was thus enabled to behold his rescuer Sam nodded Youre a dutiful and affectionate little boy you are aint you said Mr Weller to come abonnetin your father in his old age How should I know who you wos responded the son Do you spose I wos to tell you by the weight o your foot Vell thats wery true Sammy replied Mr Weller mollified at once but wot are you adoin on here Your govnor cant do no good here Sammy They wont pass that werdick they wont pass it Sammy And Mr Weller shook his head with legal solemnity Wot a perwerse old file it is exclaimed Sam always agoin on about werdicks and alleybis and that Who said anything about the werdick Mr Weller made no reply but once more shook his head most learnedly Leave off rattlin that ere nob o yourn if you dont want it to come off the springs altogether said Sam impatiently and behave reasonable I vent all the vay down to the Markis o Granby arter you last night Did you see the Marchioness o Granby Sammy inquired Mr Weller with a sigh Yes I did replied Sam How wos the dear creetur alookin Wery queer said Sam I think shes ainjurin herself gradivally vith too much o that ere pineapple rum and other strong medicines of the same natur You dont mean that Sammy said the senior earnestly I do indeed replied the junior Mr Weller seized his sons hand clasped it and let it fall There was an expression on his countenance in doing sonot of dismay or apprehension but partaking more of the sweet and gentle character of hope A gleam of resignation and even of cheerfulness passed over his face too as he slowly said I aint quite certain Sammy I wouldnt like to say I wos altogether positive in case of any subsekent disappointment but I rayther think my boy I rayther think that the shepherds got the liver complaint Does he look bad inquired Sam Hes uncommon pale replied his father cept about the nose which is redder than ever His appetite is wery soso but he imbibes wonderful Some thoughts of the rum appeared to obtrude themselves on Mr Wellers mind as he said this for he looked gloomy and thoughtful but he very shortly recovered as was testified by a perfect alphabet of winks in which he was only wont to indulge when particularly pleased Vell now said Sam about my affair Just open them ears o yourn and dont say nothin till Ive done With this preface Sam related as succinctly as he could the last memorable conversation he had had with Mr Pickwick Stop there by himself poor creetur exclaimed the elder Mr Weller without nobody to take his part It cant be done Samivel it cant be done O course it cant asserted Sam I knowd that afore I came Why theyll eat him up alive Sammy exclaimed Mr Weller Sam nodded his concurrence in the opinion He goes in rayther raw Sammy said Mr Weller metaphorically and hell come out done so exceedin brown that his most formiliar friends wont know him Roast pigeons nothin to it Sammy Again Sam Weller nodded It oughtnt to be Samivel said Mr Weller gravely It mustnt be said Sam Certnly not said Mr Weller Vell now said Sam youve been aprophecyin away wery fine like a redfaced Nixon as the sixpenny books gives picters on Who wos he Sammy inquired Mr Weller Never mind who he was retorted Sam he warnt a coachman thats enough for you I knowd a ostler o that name said Mr Weller musing It warnt him said Sam This here genlmn was a prophet Wots a prophet inquired Mr Weller looking sternly on his son Wy a man as tells whats agoin to happen replied Sam I wish Id knowd him Sammy said Mr Weller Praps he might ha throwd a small light on that ere liver complaint as we wos aspeakin on just now Howsever if hes dead and aint left the bisness to nobody theres an end on it Go on Sammy said Mr Weller with a sigh Well said Sam youve been aprophecyin avay about wotll happen to the govner if hes left alone Dont you see any way o takin care on him No I dont Sammy said Mr Weller with a reflective visage No vay at all inquired Sam No vay said Mr Weller unlessand a gleam of intelligence lighted up his countenance as he sank his voice to a whisper and applied his mouth to the ear of his offspringunless it is getting him out in a turnup bedstead unbeknown to the turnkeys Sammy or dressin him up like a old ooman vith a green wail Sam Weller received both of these suggestions with unexpected contempt and again propounded his question No said the old gentleman if he vont let you stop there I see no vay at all Its no thoroughfare Sammy no thoroughfare Well then Ill tell you wot it is said Sam Ill trouble you for the loan of fiveandtwenty pound Wot goodll that do inquired Mr Weller Never mind replied Sam Praps you may ask for it five minits arterwards praps I may say I vont pay and cut up rough You vont think o arrestin your own son for the money and sendin him off to the Fleet will you you unnatral wagabone At this reply of Sams the father and son exchanged a complete code of telegraph nods and gestures after which the elder Mr Weller sat himself down on a stone step and laughed till he was purple Wot a old image it is exclaimed Sam indignant at this loss of time What are you asettin down there for conwertin your face into a streetdoor knocker wen theres so much to be done Wheres the money In the boot Sammy in the boot replied Mr Weller composing his features Hold my hat Sammy Having divested himself of this encumbrance Mr Weller gave his body a sudden wrench to one side and by a dexterous twist contrived to get his right hand into a most capacious pocket from whence after a great deal of panting and exertion he extricated a pocketbook of the large octavo size fastened by a huge leathern strap From this ledger he drew forth a couple of whiplashes three or four buckles a little samplebag of corn and finally a small roll of very dirty banknotes from which he selected the required amount which he handed over to Sam And now Sammy said the old gentleman when the whiplashes and the buckles and the samples had been all put back and the book once more deposited at the bottom of the same pocket now Sammy I know a genlmn here asll do the rest o the bisness for us in no timea limb o the law Sammy as has got brains like the frogs dispersed all over his body and reachin to the wery tips of his fingers a friend of the Lord Chancellorships Sammy whod only have to tell him what he wanted and hed lock you up for life if that wos all I say said Sam none o that None o wot inquired Mr Weller Wy none o them unconstitootional ways o doin it retorted Sam The havehiscarcass next to the perpetual motion is vun of the blessedest things as wos ever made Ive read that ere in the newspapers wery ofen Well wots that got to do vith it inquired Mr Weller Just this here said Sam that Ill patronise the inwention and go in that vay No visperins to the ChancellorshipI dont like the notion It maynt be altogether safe vith reference to gettin out agin Deferring to his sons feeling upon this point Mr Weller at once sought the erudite Solomon Pell and acquainted him with his desire to issue a writ instantly for the sum of twentyfive pounds and costs of process to be executed without delay upon the body of one Samuel Weller the charges thereby incurred to be paid in advance to Solomon Pell The attorney was in high glee for the embarrassed coachhorser was ordered to be discharged forthwith He highly approved of Sams attachment to his master declared that it strongly reminded him of his own feelings of devotion to his friend the Chancellor and at once led the elder Mr Weller down to the Temple to swear the affidavit of debt which the boy with the assistance of the blue bag had drawn up on the spot Meanwhile Sam having been formally introduced to the whitewashed gentleman and his friends as the offspring of Mr Weller of the Belle Savage was treated with marked distinction and invited to regale himself with them in honour of the occasionan invitation which he was by no means backward in accepting The mirth of gentlemen of this class is of a grave and quiet character usually but the present instance was one of peculiar festivity and they relaxed in proportion After some rather tumultuous toasting of the Chief Commissioner and Mr Solomon Pell who had that day displayed such transcendent abilities a mottledfaced gentleman in a blue shawl proposed that somebody should sing a song The obvious suggestion was that the mottledfaced gentleman being anxious for a song should sing it himself but this the mottledfaced gentleman sturdily and somewhat offensively declined to do Upon which as is not unusual in such cases a rather angry colloquy ensued Gentlemen said the coachhorser rather than disturb the harmony of this delightful occasion perhaps Mr Samuel Weller will oblige the company Raly gentlemen said Sam Im not wery much in the habit o singin without the instrument but anythin for a quiet life as the man said wen he took the sitivation at the lighthouse With this prelude Mr Samuel Weller burst at once into the following wild and beautiful legend which under the impression that it is not generally known we take the liberty of quoting We would beg to call particular attention to the monosyllable at the end of the second and fourth lines which not only enables the singer to take breath at those points but greatly assists the metre ROMANCE I Bold Turpin vunce on Hounslow Heath His bold mare Bess bestrodeer Ven there he seed the Bishops coach Acoming along the roader So he gallops close to the orses legs And he claps his head vithin And the Bishop says Sure as eggs is eggs This heres the bold Turpin CHORUS And the Bishop says Sure as eggs is eggs This heres the bold Turpin II Says Turpin You shall eat your words With a sarse of leaden bul let So he puts a pistol to his mouth And he fires it down his gul let The coachman he not likin the job Set off at full gallop But Dick put a couple of balls in his nob And perwailed on him to stop CHORUS sarcastically But Dick put a couple of balls in his nob And perwailed on him to stop I maintain that that ere songs personal to the cloth said the mottledfaced gentleman interrupting it at this point I demand the name o that coachman Nobody knowd replied Sam He hadnt got his card in his pocket I object to the introduction o politics said the mottledfaced gentleman I submit that in the present company that ere songs political and wots much the same that it aint true I say that that coachman did not run away but that he died gamegame as pheasants and I wont hear nothin said to the contrairey As the mottledfaced gentleman spoke with great energy and determination and as the opinions of the company seemed divided on the subject it threatened to give rise to fresh altercation when Mr Weller and Mr Pell most opportunely arrived All right Sammy said Mr Weller The officer will be here at four oclock said Mr Pell I suppose you wont run away meanwhile eh Ha ha Praps my cruel pa ull relent afore then replied Sam with a broad grin Not I said the elder Mr Weller Do said Sam Not on no account replied the inexorable creditor Ill give bills for the amount at sixpence a month said Sam I wont take em said Mr Weller Ha ha ha very good very good said Mr Solomon Pell who was making out his little bill of costs a very amusing incident indeed Benjamin copy that And Mr Pell smiled again as he called Mr Wellers attention to the amount Thank you thank you said the professional gentleman taking up another of the greasy notes as Mr Weller took it from the pocketbook Three ten and one ten is five Much obliged to you Mr Weller Your son is a most deserving young man very much so indeed Sir Its a very pleasant trait in a young mans character very much so added Mr Pell smiling smoothly round as he buttoned up the money Wot a game it is said the elder Mr Weller with a chuckle A reglar prodigy son Prodigalprodigal son Sir suggested Mr Pell mildly Never mind Sir said Mr Weller with dignity I know wots oclock Sir Wen I dont Ill ask you Sir By the time the officer arrived Sam had made himself so extremely popular that the congregated gentlemen determined to see him to prison in a body So off they set the plaintiff and defendant walking arm in arm the officer in front and eight stout coachmen bringing up the rear At Serjeants Inn Coffeehouse the whole party halted to refresh and the legal arrangements being completed the procession moved on again Some little commotion was occasioned in Fleet Street by the pleasantry of the eight gentlemen in the flank who persevered in walking four abreast it was also found necessary to leave the mottledfaced gentleman behind to fight a ticketporter it being arranged that his friends should call for him as they came back Nothing but these little incidents occurred on the way When they reached the gate of the Fleet the cavalcade taking the time from the plaintiff gave three tremendous cheers for the defendant and after having shaken hands all round left him Sam having been formally delivered into the warders custody to the intense astonishment of Roker and to the evident emotion of even the phlegmatic Neddy passed at once into the prison walked straight to his masters room and knocked at the door Come in said Mr Pickwick Sam appeared pulled off his hat and smiled Ah Sam my good lad said Mr Pickwick evidently delighted to see his humble friend again I had no intention of hurting your feelings yesterday my faithful fellow by what I said Put down your hat Sam and let me explain my meaning a little more at length Wont presently do sir inquired Sam Certainly said Mr Pickwick but why not now Id rayther not now sir rejoined Sam Why inquired Mr Pickwick Cause said Sam hesitating Because of what inquired Mr Pickwick alarmed at his followers manner Speak out Sam Cause rejoined Samcause Ive got a little bisness as I want to do What business inquired Mr Pickwick surprised at Sams confused manner Nothin partickler Sir replied Sam Oh if its nothing particular said Mr Pickwick with a smile you can speak with me first I think Id better see arter it at once said Sam still hesitating Mr Pickwick looked amazed but said nothing The fact is said Sam stopping short Well said Mr Pickwick Speak out Sam Why the fact is said Sam with a desperate effort perhaps Id better see arter my bed afore I do anythin else Your bed exclaimed Mr Pickwick in astonishment Yes my bed Sir replied Sam Im a prisoner I was arrested this here wery arternoon for debt You arrested for debt exclaimed Mr Pickwick sinking into a chair Yes for debt Sir replied Sam And the man as puts me in ull never let me out till you go yourself Bless my heart and soul ejaculated Mr Pickwick What do you mean Wot I say Sir rejoined Sam If its forty years to come I shall be a prisoner and Im very glad on it and if it had been Newgate it would ha been just the same Now the murders out and damme theres an end on it With these words which he repeated with great emphasis and violence Sam Weller dashed his hat upon the ground in a most unusual state of excitement and then folding his arms looked firmly and fixedly in his masters face CHAPTER LXIV TREATS OF DIVERS LITTLE MATTERS WHICH OCCURRED IN THE FLEET AND OF MR WINKLES MYSTERIOUS BEHAVIOUR AND SHOWS HOW THE POOR CHANCERY PRISONER OBTAINED HIS RELEASE AT LAST Mr Pickwick felt a great deal too much touched by the warmth of Sams attachment to be able to exhibit any manifestation of anger or displeasure at the precipitate course he had adopted in voluntarily consigning himself to a debtors prison for an indefinite period The only point on which he persevered in demanding an explanation was the name of Sams detaining creditor but this Mr Weller as perseveringly withheld It aint o no use sir said Sam again and again hes a malicious baddisposed vorldlyminded spiteful windictive creetur with a hard heart as there aint no softnin as the wirtuous clergyman remarked of the old genlmn with the dropsy ven he said that upon the whole he thought hed rayther leave his property to his vife than build a chapel vith it But consider Sam Mr Pickwick remonstrated the sum is so small that it can very easily be paid and having made up my mind that you shall stop with me you should recollect how much more useful you would be if you could go outside the walls Wery much obliged to you sir replied Mr Weller gravely but Id rayther not Rather not do what Sam Wy Id rayther not let myself down to ask a favour o this here unremorseful enemy But it is no favour asking him to take his money Sam reasoned Mr Pickwick Beg your pardon sir rejoined Sam but it ud be a wery great favour to pay it and he dont deserve none thats where it is sir Here Mr Pickwick rubbing his nose with an air of some vexation Mr Weller thought it prudent to change the theme of the discourse I takes my determination on principle Sir remarked Sam and you takes yours on the same ground wich puts me in mind o the man as killed hisself on principle wich o course youve heerd on Sir Mr Weller paused when he arrived at this point and cast a comical look at his master out of the corners of his eyes There is no of course in the case Sam said Mr Pickwick gradually breaking into a smile in spite of the uneasiness which Sams obstinacy had given him The fame of the gentleman in question never reached my ears No sir exclaimed Mr Weller You astonish me Sir he wos a clerk in a govment office sir Was he said Mr Pickwick Yes he wos Sir rejoined Mr Weller and a wery pleasant genlmn tooone o the precise and tidy sort as puts their feet in little Indiarubber firebuckets wen its wet weather and never has no other bosom friends but hareskins he saved up his money on principle wore a clean shirt evry day on principle never spoke to none of his relations on principle fear they shoud want to borrow money of him and wos altogether in fact an uncommon agreeable character He had his hair cut on principle vunce a fortnight and contracted for his clothes on the economic principlethree suits a year and send back the old uns Being a wery reglar genlmn he dind evry day at the same place where it was oneandnine to cut off the joint and a wery good oneand nines worth he used to cut as the landlord often said with the tears atricklin down his face let alone the way he used to poke the fire in the vinter time which wos a dead loss o fourpence hapenny a day to say nothin at all o the aggrawation o seein him do it So uncommon grand with it too Post arter the next genlmn he sings out evry day ven he comes in See arter the TIMES Thomas let me look at the MORNIN HERALD when its out o hand dont forget to bespeak the CHRONICLE and just bring the TIZER vill you and then hed set vith his eyes fixed on the clock and rush out just a quarter of a minit fore the time to waylay the boy as wos acomin in with the evenin paper which hed read with sich intense interest and persewerance as worked the other customers up to the wery confines o desperation and insanity specially one irascible old genlmn as the vaiter wos always obliged to keep a sharp eye on at sich times fear he should be tempted to commit some rash act with the carvingknife Vell Sir here hed stop occupyin the best place for three hours and never takin nothin arter his dinner but sleep and then hed go away to a coffee house a few streets off and have a small pot o coffee and four crumpets arter wich hed walk home to Kensington and go to bed One night he wos took very ill sends for a doctor doctor comes in a green fly with a kind o Robinson Crusoe set o steps as he could let down wen he got out and pull up arter him wen he got in to perwent the necessity o the coachmans gettin down and thereby undeceivin the public by lettin em see that it wos only a livery coat as hed got on and not the trousers to match Wots the matter says the doctor Wery ill says the patient Wot have you been aeatin on says the doctor Roast weal says the patient Wots the last thing you dewoured says the doctor Crumpets says the patient Thats it says the doctor Ill send you a box of pills directly and dont you never take no more of em he says No more o wot says the patient pills No crumpets says the doctor Wy says the patient starting up in bed Ive eat four crumpets evry night for fifteen year on principle Well then youd better leave em off on principle says the doctor Crumpets is not wholesome Sir says the doctor wery fierce But theyre so cheap says the patient comin down a little and so wery fillin at the price Theyd be dear to you at any price dear if you wos paid to eat em says the doctor Four crumpets a night he says vill do your business in six months The patient looks him full in the face and turns it over in his mind for a long time and at last he says Are you sure o that ere Sir Ill stake my professional reputation on it says the doctor How many crumpets at a sittin do you think ud kill me off at once says the patient I dont know says the doctor Do you think halfacrowns wurth ud do it says the patient I think it might says the doctor Three shillins wurth ud be sure to do it I spose says the patient Certainly says the doctor Wery good says the patient goodnight Next mornin he gets up has a fire lit orders in three shillins wurth o crumpets toasts em all eats em all and blows his brains out What did he do that for inquired Mr Pickwick abruptly for he was considerably startled by this tragical termination of the narrative Wot did he do it for Sir reiterated Sam Wy in support of his great principle that crumpets wos wholesome and to show that he wouldnt be put out of his way for nobody With such like shiftings and changings of the discourse did Mr Weller meet his masters questioning on the night of his taking up his residence in the Fleet Finding all gentle remonstrance useless Mr Pickwick at length yielded a reluctant consent to his taking lodgings by the week of a baldheaded cobbler who rented a small slip room in one of the upper galleries To this humble apartment Mr Weller moved a mattress and bedding which he hired of Mr Roker and by the time he lay down upon it at night was as much at home as if he had been bred in the prison and his whole family had vegetated therein for three generations Do you always smoke arter you goes to bed old cock inquired Mr Weller of his landlord when they had both retired for the night Yes I does young bantam replied the cobbler Will you allow me to inquire wy you make up your bed under that ere deal table said Sam Cause I was always used to a fourposter afore I came here and I find the legs of the table answer just as well replied the cobbler Youre a character sir said Sam I havent got anything of the kind belonging to me rejoined the cobbler shaking his head and if you want to meet with a good one Im afraid youll find some difficulty in suiting yourself at this register office The above short dialogue took place as Mr Weller lay extended on his mattress at one end of the room and the cobbler on his at the other the apartment being illumined by the light of a rushcandle and the cobblers pipe which was glowing below the table like a redhot coal The conversation brief as it was predisposed Mr Weller strongly in his landlords favour and raising himself on his elbow he took a more lengthened survey of his appearance than he had yet had either time or inclination to make He was a sallow manall cobblers are and had a strong bristly beard all cobblers have His face was a queer goodtempered crookedfeatured piece of workmanship ornamented with a couple of eyes that must have worn a very joyous expression at one time for they sparkled yet The man was sixty by years and Heaven knows how old by imprisonment so that his having any look approaching to mirth or contentment was singular enough He was a little man and being half doubled up as he lay in bed looked about as long as he ought to have been without his legs He had a great red pipe in his mouth and was smoking and staring at the rushlight in a state of enviable placidity Have you been here long inquired Sam breaking the silence which had lasted for some time Twelve year replied the cobbler biting the end of his pipe as he spoke Contempt inquired Sam The cobbler nodded Well then said Sam with some sternness wot do you persevere in bein obstinit for vastin your precious life away in this here magnified pound Wy dont you give in and tell the Chancellorship that youre wery sorry for makin his court contemptible and you wont do so no more The cobbler put his pipe in the corner of his mouth while he smiled and then brought it back to its old place again but said nothing Wy dont you said Sam urging his question strenuously Ah said the cobbler you dont quite understand these matters What do you suppose ruined me now Wy said Sam trimming the rushlight I spose the beginnin wos that you got into debt eh Never owed a farden said the cobbler try again Well perhaps said Sam you bought houses wich is delicate English for goin mad or took to buildin wich is a medical term for bein incurable The cobbler shook his head and said Try again You didnt go to law I hope said Sam suspiciously Never in my life replied the cobbler The fact is I was ruined by having money left me Come come said Sam that vont do I wish some rich enemy ud try to vork my destruction in that ere vay Id let him Oh I dare say you dont believe it said the cobbler quietly smoking his pipe I wouldnt if I was you but its true for all that How wos it inquired Sam half induced to believe the fact already by the look the cobbler gave him Just this replied the cobbler an old gentleman that I worked for down in the country and a humble relation of whose I marriedshes dead God bless her and thank Him for itwas seized with a fit and went off Where inquired Sam who was growing sleepy after the numerous events of the day How should I know where he went said the cobbler speaking through his nose in an intense enjoyment of his pipe He went off dead Oh that indeed said Sam Well Well said the cobbler he left five thousand pound behind him And wery genteel in him so to do said Sam One of which continued the cobbler he left to me cause I married his relation you see Wery good murmured Sam And being surrounded by a great number of nieces and nevys as was always quarrelling and fighting among themselves for the property he makes me his executor and leaves the rest to me in trust to divide it among em as the will prowided Wot do you mean by leavin it on trust inquired Sam waking up a little If it aint readymoney weres the use on it Its a law term thats all said the cobbler I dont think that said Sam shaking his head Theres wery little trust at that shop Howsever go on Well said the cobbler when I was going to take out a probate of the will the nieces and nevys who was desperately disappointed at not getting all the money enters a caveat against it Whats that inquired Sam A legal instrument which is as much as to say its no go replied the cobbler I see said Sam a sort of brotherinlaw o the havehiscarcass Well But continued the cobbler finding that they couldnt agree among themselves and consequently couldnt get up a case against the will they withdrew the caveat and I paid all the legacies Id hardly done it when one nevy brings an action to set the will aside The case comes on some months afterwards afore a deaf old gentleman in a back room somewhere down by Pauls Churchyard and arter four counsels had taken a day apiece to bother him regularly he takes a week or two to consider and read the evidence in six volumes and then gives his judgment that how the testator was not quite right in his head and I must pay all the money back again and all the costs I appealed the case come on before three or four very sleepy gentlemen who had heard it all before in the other court where theyre lawyers without work the only difference being that there theyre called doctors and in the other place delegates if you understand that and they very dutifully confirmed the decision of the old gentleman below After that we went into Chancery where we are still and where I shall always be My lawyers have had all my thousand pound long ago and what between the estate as they call it and the costs Im here for ten thousand and shall stop here till I die mending shoes Some gentlemen have talked of bringing it before Parliament and I dare say would have done it only they hadnt time to come to me and I hadnt power to go to them and they got tired of my long letters and dropped the business And this is Gods truth without one word of suppression or exaggeration as fifty people both in this place and out of it very well know The cobbler paused to ascertain what effect his story had produced on Sam but finding that he had dropped asleep knocked the ashes out of his pipe sighed put it down drew the bedclothes over his head and went to sleep too Mr Pickwick was sitting at breakfast alone next morning Sam being busily engaged in the cobblers room polishing his masters shoes and brushing the black gaiters when there came a knock at the door which before Mr Pickwick could cry Come in was followed by the appearance of a head of hair and a cottonvelvet cap both of which articles of dress he had no difficulty in recognising as the personal property of Mr Smangle How are you said that worthy accompanying the inquiry with a score or two of nods I saydo you expect anybody this morning Three men devilish gentlemanly fellowshave been asking after you downstairs and knocking at every door on the hall flight for which theyve been most infernally blown up by the collegians that had the trouble of opening em Dear me How very foolish of them said Mr Pickwick rising Yes I have no doubt they are some friends whom I rather expected to see yesterday Friends of yours exclaimed Smangle seizing Mr Pickwick by the hand Say no more Curse me theyre friends of mine from this minute and friends of Mivinss too Infernal pleasant gentlemanly dog Mivins isnt he said Smangle with great feeling I know so little of the gentleman said Mr Pickwick hesitating that I I know you do interrupted Smangle clasping Mr Pickwick by the shoulder You shall know him better Youll be delighted with him That man Sir said Smangle with a solemn countenance has comic powers that would do honour to Drury Lane Theatre Has he indeed said Mr Pickwick Ah by Jove he has replied Smangle Hear him come the four cats in the wheelbarrowfour distinct cats sir I pledge you my honour Now you know thats infernal clever Damme you cant help liking a man when you see these traits about him Hes only one faultthat little failing I mentioned to you you know As Mr Smangle shook his head in a confidential and sympathising manner at this juncture Mr Pickwick felt that he was expected to say something so he said Ah and looked restlessly at the door Ah echoed Mr Smangle with a longdrawn sigh Hes delightful company that man is sir I dont know better company anywhere but he has that one drawback If the ghost of his grandfather Sir was to rise before him this minute hed ask him for the loan of his acceptance on an eightpenny stamp Dear me exclaimed Mr Pickwick Yes added Mr Smangle and if hed the power of raising him again he would in two months and three days from this time to renew the bill Those are very remarkable traits said Mr Pickwick but Im afraid that while we are talking here my friends may be in a state of great perplexity at not finding me Ill show em the way said Smangle making for the door Goodday I wont disturb you while theyre here you know By the bye As Smangle pronounced the last three words he stopped suddenly reclosed the door which he had opened and walking softly back to Mr Pickwick stepped close up to him on tiptoe and said in a very soft whisper You couldnt make it convenient to lend me halfacrown till the latter end of next week could you Mr Pickwick could scarcely forbear smiling but managing to preserve his gravity he drew forth the coin and placed it in Mr Smangles palm upon which that gentleman with many nods and winks implying profound mystery disappeared in quest of the three strangers with whom he presently returned and having coughed thrice and nodded as many times as an assurance to Mr Pickwick that he would not forget to pay he shook hands all round in an engaging manner and at length took himself off My dear friends said Mr Pickwick shaking hands alternately with Mr Tupman Mr Winkle and Mr Snodgrass who were the three visitors in question I am delighted to see you The triumvirate were much affected Mr Tupman shook his head deploringly Mr Snodgrass drew forth his handkerchief with undisguised emotion and Mr Winkle retired to the window and sniffed aloud Mornin genlmn said Sam entering at the moment with the shoes and gaiters Avay vith melincholly as the little boy said ven his schoolmissus died Velcome to the college genlmn This foolish fellow said Mr Pickwick tapping Sam on the head as he knelt down to button up his masters gaitersthis foolish fellow has got himself arrested in order to be near me What exclaimed the three friends Yes genlmn said Sam Im astand steady sir if you please Im a prisoner genlmn Confined as the lady said A prisoner exclaimed Mr Winkle with unaccountable vehemence Hollo sir responded Sam looking up Wots the matter Sir I had hoped Sam thatNothing nothing said Mr Winkle precipitately There was something so very abrupt and unsettled in Mr Winkles manner that Mr Pickwick involuntarily looked at his two friends for an explanation We dont know said Mr Tupman answering this mute appeal aloud He has been much excited for two days past and his whole demeanour very unlike what it usually is We feared there must be something the matter but he resolutely denies it No no said Mr Winkle colouring beneath Mr Pickwicks gaze there is really nothing I assure you there is nothing my dear sir It will be necessary for me to leave town for a short time on private business and I had hoped to have prevailed upon you to allow Sam to accompany me Mr Pickwick looked more astonished than before I think faltered Mr Winkle that Sam would have had no objection to do so but of course his being a prisoner here renders it impossible So I must go alone As Mr Winkle said these words Mr Pickwick felt with some astonishment that Sams fingers were trembling at the gaiters as if he were rather surprised or startled Sam looked up at Mr Winkle too when he had finished speaking and though the glance they exchanged was instantaneous they seemed to understand each other Do you know anything of this Sam said Mr Pickwick sharply No I dont sir replied Mr Weller beginning to button with extraordinary assiduity Are you sure Sam said Mr Pickwick Wy sir responded Mr Weller Im sure so far that Ive never heerd anythin on the subject afore this moment If I makes any guess about it added Sam looking at Mr Winkle I havent got any right to say what it is fear it should be a wrong un I have no right to make any further inquiry into the private affairs of a friend however intimate a friend said Mr Pickwick after a short silence at present let me merely say that I do not understand this at all There We have had quite enough of the subject Thus expressing himself Mr Pickwick led the conversation to different topics and Mr Winkle gradually appeared more at ease though still very far from being completely so They had all so much to converse about that the morning very quickly passed away and when at three oclock Mr Weller produced upon the little diningtable a roast leg of mutton and an enormous meatpie with sundry dishes of vegetables and pots of porter which stood upon the chairs or the sofa bedstead or where they could everybody felt disposed to do justice to the meal notwithstanding that the meat had been purchased and dressed and the pie made and baked at the prison cookery hard by To these succeeded a bottle or two of very good wine for which a messenger was despatched by Mr Pickwick to the Horn Coffeehouse in Doctors Commons The bottle or two indeed might be more properly described as a bottle or six for by the time it was drunk and tea over the bell began to ring for strangers to withdraw But if Mr Winkles behaviour had been unaccountable in the morning it became perfectly unearthly and solemn when under the influence of his feelings and his share of the bottle or six he prepared to take leave of his friend He lingered behind until Mr Tupman and Mr Snodgrass had disappeared and then fervently clenched Mr Pickwicks hand with an expression of face in which deep and mighty resolve was fearfully blended with the very concentrated essence of gloom Goodnight my dear Sir said Mr Winkle between his set teeth Bless you my dear fellow replied the warmhearted Mr Pickwick as he returned the pressure of his young friends hand Now then cried Mr Tupman from the gallery Yes yes directly replied Mr Winkle Goodnight Goodnight said Mr Pickwick There was another goodnight and another and half a dozen more after that and still Mr Winkle had fast hold of his friends hand and was looking into his face with the same strange expression Is anything the matter said Mr Pickwick at last when his arm was quite sore with shaking Nothing said Mr Winkle Well then goodnight said Mr Pickwick attempting to disengage his hand My friend my benefactor my honoured companion murmured Mr Winkle catching at his wrist Do not judge me harshly do not when you hear that driven to extremity by hopeless obstacles I Now then said Mr Tupman reappearing at the door Are you coming or are we to be locked in Yes yes I am ready replied Mr Winkle And with a violent effort he tore himself away As Mr Pickwick was gazing down the passage after them in silent astonishment Sam Weller appeared at the stairhead and whispered for one moment in Mr Winkles ear Oh certainly depend upon me said that gentleman aloud Thankee sir You wont forget sir said Sam Of course not replied Mr Winkle Wish you luck Sir said Sam touching his hat I should very much liked to ha joined you Sir but the govnor o course is paramount It is very much to your credit that you remain here said Mr Winkle With these words they disappeared down the stairs Very extraordinary said Mr Pickwick going back into his room and seating himself at the table in a musing attitude What can that young man be going to do He had sat ruminating about the matter for some time when the voice of Roker the turnkey demanded whether he might come in By all means said Mr Pickwick Ive brought you a softer pillow Sir said Mr Roker instead of the temporary one you had last night Thank you said Mr Pickwick Will you take a glass of wine Youre wery good Sir replied Mr Roker accepting the proffered glass Yours sir Thank you said Mr Pickwick Im sorry to say that your landlords wery bad tonight Sir said Roker setting down the glass and inspecting the lining of his hat preparatory to putting it on again What The Chancery prisoner exclaimed Mr Pickwick He wont be a Chancery prisoner wery long Sir replied Roker turning his hat round so as to get the makers name right side upwards as he looked into it You make my blood run cold said Mr Pickwick What do you mean Hes been consumptive for a long time past said Mr Roker and hes taken wery bad in the breath tonight The doctor said six months ago that nothing but change of air could save him Great Heaven exclaimed Mr Pickwick has this man been slowly murdered by the law for six months I dont know about that replied Roker weighing the hat by the brim in both hands I suppose hed have been took the same wherever he was He went into the infirmary this morning the doctor says his strength is to be kept up as much as possible and the wardens sent him wine and broth and that from his own house Its not the wardens fault you know sir Of course not replied Mr Pickwick hastily Im afraid however said Roker shaking his head that its all up with him I offered Neddy two sixpennorths to one upon it just now but he wouldnt take it and quite right Thankee Sir Goodnight sir Stay said Mr Pickwick earnestly Where is this infirmary Just over where you slept sir replied Roker Ill show you if you like to come Mr Pickwick snatched up his hat without speaking and followed at once The turnkey led the way in silence and gently raising the latch of the room door motioned Mr Pickwick to enter It was a large bare desolate room with a number of stump bedsteads made of iron on one of which lay stretched the shadow of a manwan pale and ghastly His breathing was hard and thick and he moaned painfully as it came and went At the bedside sat a short old man in a cobblers apron who by the aid of a pair of horn spectacles was reading from the Bible aloud It was the fortunate legatee The sick man laid his hand upon his attendants arm and motioned him to stop He closed the book and laid it on the bed Open the window said the sick man He did so The noise of carriages and carts the rattle of wheels the cries of men and boys all the busy sounds of a mighty multitude instinct with life and occupation blended into one deep murmur floated into the room Above the hoarse loud hum arose from time to time a boisterous laugh or a scrap of some jingling song shouted forth by one of the giddy crowd would strike upon the ear for an instant and then be lost amidst the roar of voices and the tramp of footsteps the breaking of the billows of the restless sea of life that rolled heavily on without These are melancholy sounds to a quiet listener at any time but how melancholy to the watcher by the bed of death There is no air here said the man faintly The place pollutes it It was fresh round about when I walked there years ago but it grows hot and heavy in passing these walls I cannot breathe it We have breathed it together for a long time said the old man Come come There was a short silence during which the two spectators approached the bed The sick man drew a hand of his old fellowprisoner towards him and pressing it affectionately between both his own retained it in his grasp I hope he gasped after a while so faintly that they bent their ears close over the bed to catch the halfformed sounds his pale lips gave vent toI hope my merciful Judge will bear in mind my heavy punishment on earth Twenty years my friend twenty years in this hideous grave My heart broke when my child died and I could not even kiss him in his little coffin My loneliness since then in all this noise and riot has been very dreadful May God forgive me He has seen my solitary lingering death He folded his hands and murmuring something more they could not hear fell into a sleeponly a sleep at first for they saw him smile They whispered together for a little time and the turnkey stooping over the pillow drew hastily back He has got his discharge by G said the man He had But he had grown so like death in life that they knew not when he died CHAPTER XLIV DESCRIPTIVE OF AN AFFECTING INTERVIEW BETWEEN MR SAMUEL WELLER AND A FAMILY PARTY MR PICKWICK MAKES A TOUR OF THE DIMINUTIVE WORLD HE INHABITS AND RESOLVES TO MIX WITH IT IN FUTURE AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE A few mornings after his incarceration Mr Samuel Weller having arranged his masters room with all possible care and seen him comfortably seated over his books and papers withdrew to employ himself for an hour or two to come as he best could It was a fine morning and it occurred to Sam that a pint of porter in the open air would lighten his next quarter of an hour or so as well as any little amusement in which he could indulge Having arrived at this conclusion he betook himself to the tap Having purchased the beer and obtained moreover the daybutonebefore yesterdays paper he repaired to the skittleground and seating himself on a bench proceeded to enjoy himself in a very sedate and methodical manner First of all he took a refreshing draught of the beer and then he looked up at a window and bestowed a platonic wink on a young lady who was peeling potatoes thereat Then he opened the paper and folded it so as to get the police reports outwards and this being a vexatious and difficult thing to do when there is any wind stirring he took another draught of the beer when he had accomplished it Then he read two lines of the paper and stopped short to look at a couple of men who were finishing a game at rackets which being concluded he cried out wery good in an approving manner and looked round upon the spectators to ascertain whether their sentiments coincided with his own This involved the necessity of looking up at the windows also and as the young lady was still there it was an act of common politeness to wink again and to drink to her good health in dumb show in another draught of the beer which Sam did and having frowned hideously upon a small boy who had noted this latter proceeding with open eyes he threw one leg over the other and holding the newspaper in both hands began to read in real earnest He had hardly composed himself into the needful state of abstraction when he thought he heard his own name proclaimed in some distant passage Nor was he mistaken for it quickly passed from mouth to mouth and in a few seconds the air teemed with shouts of Weller Here roared Sam in a stentorian voice Wots the matter Who wants him Has an express come to say that his country house is afire Somebody wants you in the hall said a man who was standing by Just mind that ere paper and the pot old feller will you said Sam Im acomin Blessed if they was acallin me to the bar they couldnt make more noise about it Accompanying these words with a gentle rap on the head of the young gentleman before noticed who unconscious of his close vicinity to the person in request was screaming Weller with all his might Sam hastened across the ground and ran up the steps into the hall Here the first object that met his eyes was his beloved father sitting on a bottom stair with his hat in his hand shouting out Weller in his very loudest tone at halfminute intervals Wot are you aroarin at said Sam impetuously when the old gentleman had discharged himself of another shout making yourself so precious hot that you looks like a aggrawated glassblower Wots the matter Aha replied the old gentleman I began to be afeerd that youd gone for a walk round the Regency Park Sammy Come said Sam none o them taunts agin the wictim o avarice and come off that ere step Wot are you asettin down there for I dont live there Ive got such a game for you Sammy said the elder Mr Weller rising Stop a minit said Sam youre all vite behind Thats right Sammy rub it off said Mr Weller as his son dusted him It might look personal here if a man walked about with vitevash on his clothes eh Sammy As Mr Weller exhibited in this place unequivocal symptoms of an approaching fit of chuckling Sam interposed to stop it Keep quiet do said Sam there never vos such a old pictercard born Wot are you bustin vith now Sammy said Mr Weller wiping his forehead Im afeerd that vun o these days I shall laugh myself into a appleplexy my boy Vell then wot do you do it for said Sam Now then wot have you got to say Who do you thinks come here with me Samivel said Mr Weller drawing back a pace or two pursing up his mouth and extending his eyebrows Pell said Sam Mr Weller shook his head and his red cheeks expanded with the laughter that was endeavouring to find a vent Mottledfaced man praps asked Sam Again Mr Weller shook his head Who thenasked Sam Your motherinlaw said Mr Weller and it was lucky he did say it or his cheeks must inevitably have cracked from their most unnatural distension Your motherinlaw Sammy said Mr Weller and the rednosed man my boy and the rednosed man Ho ho ho With this Mr Weller launched into convulsions of laughter while Sam regarded him with a broad grin gradually overspreading his whole countenance Theyve come to have a little serious talk with you Samivel said Mr Weller wiping his eyes Dont let out nothin about the unnatral creditor Sammy Wot dont they know who it is inquired Sam Not a bit on it replied his father Vere are they said Sam reciprocating all the old gentlemans grins In the snuggery rejoined Mr Weller Catch the rednosed man agoin anyvere but vere the liquors is not he Samivel not he Ved a wery pleasant ride along the road from the Markis this mornin Sammy said Mr Weller when he felt himself equal to the task of speaking in an articulate manner I drove the old piebald in that ere little chay cart as belonged to your motherinlaws first wenter into vich a harm cheer wos lifted for the shepherd and Im blessed said Mr Weller with a look of deep scornIm blessed if they didnt bring a portable flight o steps out into the road afront o our door for him to get up by You dont mean that said Sam I do mean that Sammy replied his father and I vish you could ha seen how tight he held on by the sides wen he did get up as if he wos afeerd o being precipitayted down full six foot and dashed into a million hatoms He tumbled in at last however and avay ve vent and I rayther thinkI say I rayther think Samivelthat he found hisself a little jolted ven ve turned the corners Wot I spose you happened to drive up agin a post or two said Sam Im afeerd replied Mr Weller in a rapture of winksIm afeerd I took vun or two on em Sammy he wos aflyin out o the armcheer all the way Here the old gentleman shook his head from side to side and was seized with a hoarse internal rumbling accompanied with a violent swelling of the countenance and a sudden increase in the breadth of all his features symptoms which alarmed his son not a little Dont be frightened Sammy dont be frightened said the old gentleman when by dint of much struggling and various convulsive stamps upon the ground he had recovered his voice Its only a kind o quiet laugh as Im atryin to come Sammy Well if thats wot it is said Sam youd better not try to come it agin Youll find it rayther a dangerous inwention Dont you like it Sammy inquired the old gentleman Not at all replied Sam Well said Mr Weller with the tears still running down his cheeks it ud ha been a wery great accommodation to me if I could ha done it and ud ha saved a good many vords atween your motherinlaw and me sometimes but Im afeerd youre right Sammy its too much in the appleplexy linea deal too much Samivel This conversation brought them to the door of the snuggery into which Sampausing for an instant to look over his shoulder and cast a sly leer at his respected progenitor who was still giggling behindat once led the way Motherinlaw said Sam politely saluting the lady wery much obliged to you for this here wisitShepherd how air you Oh Samuel said Mrs Weller This is dreadful Not a bit on it mum replied SamIs it shepherd Mr Stiggins raised his hands and turned up his eyes until the whites or rather the yellowswere alone visible but made no reply in words Is this here genlmn troubled with any painful complaint said Sam looking to his motherinlaw for explanation The good man is grieved to see you here Samuel replied Mrs Weller Oh thats it is it said Sam I was afeerd from his manner that he might ha forgotten to take pepper vith that ere last cowcumber he eat Set down Sir ve make no extra charge for settin down as the king remarked wen he blowed up his ministers Young man said Mr Stiggins ostentatiously I fear you are not softened by imprisonment Beg your pardon Sir replied Sam wot wos you graciously pleased to hobserve I apprehend young man that your nature is no softer for this chastening said Mr Stiggins in a loud voice Sir replied Sam youre wery kind to say so I hope my natur is NOT a soft vun Sir Wery much obliged to you for your good opinion Sir At this point of the conversation a sound indecorously approaching to a laugh was heard to proceed from the chair in which the elder Mr Weller was seated upon which Mrs Weller on a hasty consideration of all the circumstances of the case considered it her bounden duty to become gradually hysterical Weller said Mrs W the old gentleman was seated in a corner Weller Come forth Wery much obleeged to you my dear replied Mr Weller but Im quite comfortable vere I am Upon this Mrs Weller burst into tears Wots gone wrong mum said Sam Oh Samuel replied Mrs Weller your father makes me wretched Will nothing do him good Do you hear this here said Sam Lady vants to know vether nothin ull do you good Wery much indebted to Mrs Weller for her polite inquiries Sammy replied the old gentleman I think a pipe vould benefit me a good deal Could I be accommodated Sammy Here Mrs Weller let fall some more tears and Mr Stiggins groaned Hollo Heres this unfortunate genlmn took ill agin said Sam looking round Vere do you feel it now sir In the same place young man rejoined Mr Stiggins in the same place Vere may that be Sir inquired Sam with great outward simplicity In the buzzim young man replied Mr Stiggins placing his umbrella on his waistcoat At this affecting reply Mrs Weller being wholly unable to suppress her feelings sobbed aloud and stated her conviction that the rednosed man was a saint whereupon Mr Weller senior ventured to suggest in an undertone that he must be the representative of the united parishes of St Simon Without and St Walker Within Im afeered mum said Sam that this here genlmn with the twist in his countenance feels rather thirsty with the melancholy spectacle afore him Is it the case mum The worthy lady looked at Mr Stiggins for a reply that gentleman with many rollings of the eye clenched his throat with his right hand and mimicked the act of swallowing to intimate that he was athirst I am afraid Samuel that his feelings have made him so indeed said Mrs Weller mournfully Wots your usual tap sir replied Sam Oh my dear young friend replied Mr Stiggins all taps is vanities Too true too true indeed said Mrs Weller murmuring a groan and shaking her head assentingly Well said Sam I dessay they may be sir but wich is your partickler wanity Wich wanity do you like the flavour on best sir Oh my dear young friend replied Mr Stiggins I despise them all If said Mr Stigginsif there is any one of them less odious than another it is the liquor called rum Warm my dear young friend with three lumps of sugar to the tumbler Wery sorry to say sir said Sam that they dont allow that particular wanity to be sold in this here establishment Oh the hardness of heart of these inveterate men ejaculated Mr Stiggins Oh the accursed cruelty of these inhuman persecutors With these words Mr Stiggins again cast up his eyes and rapped his breast with his umbrella and it is but justice to the reverend gentleman to say that his indignation appeared very real and unfeigned indeed After Mrs Weller and the rednosed gentleman had commented on this inhuman usage in a very forcible manner and had vented a variety of pious and holy execrations against its authors the latter recommended a bottle of port wine warmed with a little water spice and sugar as being grateful to the stomach and savouring less of vanity than many other compounds It was accordingly ordered to be prepared and pending its preparation the rednosed man and Mrs Weller looked at the elder W and groaned Well Sammy said the gentleman I hope youll find your spirits rose by this here lively wisit Wery cheerful and improvin conwersation aint it Sammy Youre a reprobate replied Sam and I desire you wont address no more o them ungraceful remarks to me So far from being edified by this very proper reply the elder Mr Weller at once relapsed into a broad grin and this inexorable conduct causing the lady and Mr Stiggins to close their eyes and rock themselves to and fro on their chairs in a troubled manner he furthermore indulged in several acts of pantomime indicative of a desire to pummel and wring the nose of the aforesaid Stiggins the performance of which appeared to afford him great mental relief The old gentleman very narrowly escaped detection in one instance for Mr Stiggins happening to give a start on the arrival of the negus brought his head in smart contact with the clenched fist with which Mr Weller had been describing imaginary fireworks in the air within two inches of his ear for some minutes Wot are you areachin out your hand for the tumbler in that ere sawage way for said Sam with great promptitude Dont you see youve hit the genlmn I didnt go to do it Sammy said Mr Weller in some degree abashed by the very unexpected occurrence of the incident Try an inard application sir said Sam as the rednosed gentleman rubbed his head with a rueful visage Wot do you think o that for a go o wanity warm Sir Mr Stiggins made no verbal answer but his manner was expressive He tasted the contents of the glass which Sam had placed in his hand put his umbrella on the floor and tasted it again passing his hand placidly across his stomach twice or thrice he then drank the whole at a breath and smacking his lips held out the tumbler for more Nor was Mrs Weller behindhand in doing justice to the composition The good lady began by protesting that she couldnt touch a dropthen took a small dropthen a large dropthen a great many drops and her feelings being of the nature of those substances which are powerfully affected by the application of strong waters she dropped a tear with every drop of negus and so got on melting the feelings down until at length she had arrived at a very pathetic and decent pitch of misery The elder Mr Weller observed these signs and tokens with many manifestations of disgust and when after a second jug of the same Mr Stiggins began to sigh in a dismal manner he plainly evinced his disapprobation of the whole proceedings by sundry incoherent ramblings of speech among which frequent angry repetitions of the word gammon were alone distinguishable to the ear Ill tell you wot it is Samivel my boy whispered the old gentleman into his sons ear after a long and steadfast contemplation of his lady and Mr Stiggins I think there must be somethin wrong in your mother inlaws inside as vell as in that o the rednosed man Wot do you mean said Sam I mean this here Sammy replied the old gentleman that wot they drink dont seem no nourishment to em it all turns to warm water and comes apourin out o their eyes Pend upon it Sammy its a constitootional infirmity Mr Weller delivered this scientific opinion with many confirmatory frowns and nods which Mrs Weller remarking and concluding that they bore some disparaging reference either to herself or to Mr Stiggins or to both was on the point of becoming infinitely worse when Mr Stiggins getting on his legs as well as he could proceeded to deliver an edifying discourse for the benefit of the company but more especially of Mr Samuel whom he adjured in moving terms to be upon his guard in that sink of iniquity into which he was cast to abstain from all hypocrisy and pride of heart and to take in all things exact pattern and copy by him Stiggins in which case he might calculate on arriving sooner or later at the comfortable conclusion that like him he was a most estimable and blameless character and that all his acquaintances and friends were hopelessly abandoned and profligate wretches Which consideration he said could not but afford him the liveliest satisfaction He furthermore conjured him to avoid above all things the vice of intoxication which he likened unto the filthy habits of swine and to those poisonous and baleful drugs which being chewed in the mouth are said to filch away the memory At this point of his discourse the reverend and rednosed gentleman became singularly incoherent and staggering to and fro in the excitement of his eloquence was fain to catch at the back of a chair to preserve his perpendicular Mr Stiggins did not desire his hearers to be upon their guard against those false prophets and wretched mockers of religion who without sense to expound its first doctrines or hearts to feel its first principles are more dangerous members of society than the common criminal imposing as they necessarily do upon the weakest and worst informed casting scorn and contempt on what should be held most sacred and bringing into partial disrepute large bodies of virtuous and well conducted persons of many excellent sects and persuasions But as he leaned over the back of the chair for a considerable time and closing one eye winked a good deal with the other it is presumed that he thought all this but kept it to himself During the delivery of the oration Mrs Weller sobbed and wept at the end of the paragraphs while Sam sitting crosslegged on a chair and resting his arms on the top rail regarded the speaker with great suavity and blandness of demeanour occasionally bestowing a look of recognition on the old gentleman who was delighted at the beginning and went to sleep about halfway Brayvo wery pretty said Sam when the rednosed man having finished pulled his worn gloves on thereby thrusting his fingers through the broken tops till the knuckles were disclosed to view Wery pretty I hope it may do you good Samuel said Mrs Weller solemnly I think it vill mum replied Sam I wish I could hope that it would do your father good said Mrs Weller Thankee my dear said Mr Weller senior How do you find yourself arter it my love Scoffer exclaimed Mrs Weller Benighted man said the Reverend Mr Stiggins If I dont get no better light than that ere moonshine o yourn my worthy creetur said the elder Mr Weller its wery likely as I shall continey to be a night coach till Im took off the road altogether Now Mrs We if the piebald stands at livery much longer hell stand at nothin as we go back and praps that ere harmcheer ull be tipped over into some hedge or another with the shepherd in it At this supposition the Reverend Mr Stiggins in evident consternation gathered up his hat and umbrella and proposed an immediate departure to which Mrs Weller assented Sam walked with them to the lodge gate and took a dutiful leave Ado Samivel said the old gentleman Wots ado inquired Sammy Well goodbye then said the old gentleman Oh thats wot youre aimin at is it said Sam Goodbye Sammy whispered Mr Weller looking cautiously round my duty to your govnor and tell him if he thinks better o this here bisness to commoonicate vith me Me and a cabnetmaker has dewised a plan for gettin him out A pianner Samivela pianner said Mr Weller striking his son on the chest with the back of his hand and falling back a step or two Wot do you mean said Sam A piannerforty Samivel rejoined Mr Weller in a still more mysterious manner as he can have on hire vun as vont play Sammy And wot ud be the good o that said Sam Let him send to my friend the cabinetmaker to fetch it back Sammy replied Mr Weller Are you avake now No rejoined Sam There aint no vurks in it whispered his father It ull hold him easy vith his hat and shoes on and breathe through the legs vich his holler Have a passage ready taken for Merriker The Merrikin govment will never give him up ven vunce they find as hes got money to spend Sammy Let the govnor stop there till Mrs Bardells dead or Mr Dodson and Foggs hung wich last ewent I think is the most likely to happen first Sammy and then let him come back and write a book about the Merrikins asll pay all his expenses and more if he blows em up enough Mr Weller delivered this hurried abstract of his plot with great vehemence of whisper and then as if fearful of weakening the effect of the tremendous communication by any further dialogue he gave the coachmans salute and vanished Sam had scarcely recovered his usual composure of countenance which had been greatly disturbed by the secret communication of his respected relative when Mr Pickwick accosted him Sam said that gentleman Sir replied Mr Weller I am going for a walk round the prison and I wish you to attend me I see a prisoner we know coming this way Sam said Mr Pickwick smiling Wich Sir inquired Mr Weller the genlmn vith the head o hair or the interestin captive in the stockins Neither rejoined Mr Pickwick He is an older friend of yours Sam O mine Sir exclaimed Mr Weller You recollect the gentleman very well I dare say Sam replied Mr Pickwick or else you are more unmindful of your old acquaintances than I think you are Hush not a word Sam not a syllable Here he is As Mr Pickwick spoke Jingle walked up He looked less miserable than before being clad in a halfworn suit of clothes which with Mr Pickwicks assistance had been released from the pawnbrokers He wore clean linen too and had had his hair cut He was very pale and thin however and as he crept slowly up leaning on a stick it was easy to see that he had suffered severely from illness and want and was still very weak He took off his hat as Mr Pickwick saluted him and seemed much humbled and abashed at the sight of Sam Weller Following close at his heels came Mr Job Trotter in the catalogue of whose vices want of faith and attachment to his companion could at all events find no place He was still ragged and squalid but his face was not quite so hollow as on his first meeting with Mr Pickwick a few days before As he took off his hat to our benevolent old friend he murmured some broken expressions of gratitude and muttered something about having been saved from starving Well well said Mr Pickwick impatiently interrupting him you can follow with Sam I want to speak to you Mr Jingle Can you walk without his arm Certainly sirall readynot too fastlegs shakyhead queerround and roundearthquaky sort of feelingvery Here give me your arm said Mr Pickwick No no replied Jingle wont indeedrather not Nonsense said Mr Pickwick lean upon me I desire Sir Seeing that he was confused and agitated and uncertain what to do Mr Pickwick cut the matter short by drawing the invalided strollers arm through his and leading him away without saying another word about it During the whole of this time the countenance of Mr Samuel Weller had exhibited an expression of the most overwhelming and absorbing astonishment that the imagination can portray After looking from Job to Jingle and from Jingle to Job in profound silence he softly ejaculated the words Well I am damnd which he repeated at least a score of times after which exertion he appeared wholly bereft of speech and again cast his eyes first upon the one and then upon the other in mute perplexity and bewilderment Now Sam said Mr Pickwick looking back Im acomin sir replied Mr Weller mechanically following his master and still he lifted not his eyes from Mr Job Trotter who walked at his side in silence Job kept his eyes fixed on the ground for some time Sam with his glued to Jobs countenance ran up against the people who were walking about and fell over little children and stumbled against steps and railings without appearing at all sensible of it until Job looking stealthily up said How do you do Mr Weller It is him exclaimed Sam and having established Jobs identity beyond all doubt he smote his leg and vented his feelings in a long shrill whistle Things has altered with me sir said Job I should think they had exclaimed Mr Weller surveying his companions rags with undisguised wonder This is rayther a change for the worse Mr Trotter as the genlmn said wen he got two doubtful shillins and sixpennorth o pocketpieces for a good halfcrown It is indeed replied Job shaking his head There is no deception now Mr Weller Tears said Job with a look of momentary slyness tears are not the only proofs of distress nor the best ones No they aint replied Sam expressively They may be put on Mr Weller said Job I know they may said Sam some people indeed has em always ready laid on and can pull out the plug wenever they likes Yes replied Job but these sort of things are not so easily counterfeited Mr Weller and it is a more painful process to get them up As he spoke he pointed to his sallow sunken cheeks and drawing up his coat sleeve disclosed an arm which looked as if the bone could be broken at a touch so sharp and brittle did it appear beneath its thin covering of flesh Wot have you been adoin to yourself said Sam recoiling Nothing replied Job Nothin echoed Sam I have been doin nothing for many weeks past said Job and eating and drinking almost as little Sam took one comprehensive glance at Mr Trotters thin face and wretched apparel and then seizing him by the arm commenced dragging him away with great violence Where are you going Mr Weller said Job vainly struggling in the powerful grasp of his old enemy Come on said Sam come on He deigned no further explanation till they reached the tap and then called for a pot of porter which was speedily produced Now said Sam drink that up evry drop on it and then turn the pot upside down to let me see as youve took the medicine But my dear Mr Weller remonstrated Job Down vith it said Sam peremptorily Thus admonished Mr Trotter raised the pot to his lips and by gentle and almost imperceptible degrees tilted it into the air He paused once and only once to draw a long breath but without raising his face from the vessel which in a few moments thereafter he held out at arms length bottom upward Nothing fell upon the ground but a few particles of froth which slowly detached themselves from the rim and trickled lazily down Well done said Sam How do you find yourself arter it Better Sir I think I am better responded Job O course you air said Sam argumentatively Its like puttin gas in a balloon I can see with the naked eye that you gets stouter under the operation Wot do you say to another o the same dimensions I would rather not I am much obliged to you Sir replied Jobmuch rather not Vell then wot do you say to some wittles inquired Sam Thanks to your worthy governor Sir said Mr Trotter we have half a leg of mutton baked at a quarter before three with the potatoes under it to save boiling Wot Has he been apurwidin for you asked Sam emphatically He has Sir replied Job More than that Mr Weller my master being very ill he got us a roomwe were in a kennel beforeand paid for it Sir and come to look at us at night when nobody should know Mr Weller said Job with real tears in his eyes for once I could serve that gentleman till I fell down dead at his feet I say said Sam Ill trouble you my friend None o that Job Trotter looked amazed None o that I say young feller repeated Sam firmly No man serves him but me And now were upon it Ill let you into another secret besides that said Sam as he paid for the beer I never heerd mind you or read of in storybooks nor see in picters any angel in tights and gaitersnot even in spectacles as I remember though that may ha been done for anythin I know to the contraireybut mark my vords Job Trotter hes a reglar thoroughbred angel for all that and let me see the man as wenturs to tell me he knows a better vun With this defiance Mr Weller buttoned up his change in a side pocket and with many confirmatory nods and gestures by the way proceeded in search of the subject of discourse They found Mr Pickwick in company with Jingle talking very earnestly and not bestowing a look on the groups who were congregated on the racketground they were very motley groups too and worth the looking at if it were only in idle curiosity Well said Mr Pickwick as Sam and his companion drew nigh you will see how your health becomes and think about it meanwhile Make the statement out for me when you feel yourself equal to the task and I will discuss the subject with you when I have considered it Now go to your room You are tired and not strong enough to be out long Mr Alfred Jingle without one spark of his old animationwith nothing even of the dismal gaiety which he had assumed when Mr Pickwick first stumbled on him in his miserybowed low without speaking and motioning to Job not to follow him just yet crept slowly away Curious scene this is it not Sam said Mr Pickwick looking good humouredly round Wery much so Sir replied Sam Wonders ull never cease added Sam speaking to himself Im wery much mistaken if that ere Jingle wornt adoin somethin in the watercart way The area formed by the wall in that part of the Fleet in which Mr Pickwick stood was just wide enough to make a good racketcourt one side being formed of course by the wall itself and the other by that portion of the prison which looked or rather would have looked but for the wall towards St Pauls Cathedral Sauntering or sitting about in every possible attitude of listless idleness were a great number of debtors the major part of whom were waiting in prison until their day of going up before the Insolvent Court should arrive while others had been remanded for various terms which they were idling away as they best could Some were shabby some were smart many dirty a few clean but there they all lounged and loitered and slunk about with as little spirit or purpose as the beasts in a menagerie Lolling from the windows which commanded a view of this promenade were a number of persons some in noisy conversation with their acquaintance below others playing at ball with some adventurous throwers outside others looking on at the racketplayers or watching the boys as they cried the game Dirty slipshod women passed and repassed on their way to the cookinghouse in one corner of the yard children screamed and fought and played together in another the tumbling of the skittles and the shouts of the players mingled perpetually with these and a hundred other sounds and all was noise and tumultsave in a little miserable shed a few yards off where lay all quiet and ghastly the body of the Chancery prisoner who had died the night before awaiting the mockery of an inquest The body It is the lawyers term for the restless whirling mass of cares and anxieties affections hopes and griefs that make up the living man The law had his body and there it lay clothed in graveclothes an awful witness to its tender mercy Would you like to see a whistlingshop Sir inquired Job Trotter What do you mean was Mr Pickwicks counter inquiry A vistlin shop Sir interposed Mr Weller What is that SamA birdfanciers inquired Mr Pickwick Bless your heart no Sir replied Job a whistlingshop Sir is where they sell spirits Mr Job Trotter briefly explained here that all persons being prohibited under heavy penalties from conveying spirits into debtors prisons and such commodities being highly prized by the ladies and gentlemen confined therein it had occurred to some speculative turnkey to connive for certain lucrative considerations at two or three prisoners retailing the favourite article of gin for their own profit and advantage This plan you see Sir has been gradually introduced into all the prisons for debt said Mr Trotter And it has this wery great advantage said Sam that the turnkeys takes wery good care to seize hold o evrybody but them as pays em that attempts the willainy and wen it gets in the papers theyre applauded for their wigilance so it cuts two waysfrightens other people from the trade and elewates their own characters Exactly so Mr Weller observed Job Well but are these rooms never searched to ascertain whether any spirits are concealed in them said Mr Pickwick Certnly they are Sir replied Sam but the turnkeys knows beforehand and gives the word to the wistlers and you may wistle for it wen you go to look By this time Job had tapped at a door which was opened by a gentleman with an uncombed head who bolted it after them when they had walked in and grinned upon which Job grinned and Sam also whereupon Mr Pickwick thinking it might be expected of him kept on smiling to the end of the interview The gentleman with the uncombed head appeared quite satisfied with this mute announcement of their business and producing a flat stone bottle which might hold about a couple of quarts from beneath his bedstead filled out three glasses of gin which Job Trotter and Sam disposed of in a most workmanlike manner Any more said the whistling gentleman No more replied Job Trotter Mr Pickwick paid the door was unbolted and out they came the uncombed gentleman bestowing a friendly nod upon Mr Roker who happened to be passing at the moment From this spot Mr Pickwick wandered along all the galleries up and down all the staircases and once again round the whole area of the yard The great body of the prison population appeared to be Mivins and Smangle and the parson and the butcher and the leg over and over and over again There were the same squalor the same turmoil and noise the same general characteristics in every corner in the best and the worst alike The whole place seemed restless and troubled and the people were crowding and flitting to and fro like the shadows in an uneasy dream I have seen enough said Mr Pickwick as he threw himself into a chair in his little apartment My head aches with these scenes and my heart too Henceforth I will be a prisoner in my own room And Mr Pickwick steadfastly adhered to this determination For three long months he remained shut up all day only stealing out at night to breathe the air when the greater part of his fellowprisoners were in bed or carousing in their rooms His health was beginning to suffer from the closeness of the confinement but neither the oftenrepeated entreaties of Perker and his friends nor the still more frequently repeated warnings and admonitions of Mr Samuel Weller could induce him to alter one jot of his inflexible resolution CHAPTER XLVI RECORDS A TOUCHING ACT OF DELICATE FEELING NOT UNMIXED WITH PLEASANTRY ACHIEVED AND PERFORMED BY Messrs DODSON AND FOGG It was within a week of the close of the month of July that a hackney cabriolet number unrecorded was seen to proceed at a rapid pace up Goswell Street three people were squeezed into it besides the driver who sat in his own particular little dickey at the side over the apron were hung two shawls belonging to two small vixenishlooking ladies under the apron between whom compressed into a very small compass was stowed away a gentleman of heavy and subdued demeanour who whenever he ventured to make an observation was snapped up short by one of the vixenish ladies beforementioned Lastly the two vixenish ladies and the heavy gentleman were giving the driver contradictory directions all tending to the one point that he should stop at Mrs Bardells door which the heavy gentleman in direct opposition to and defiance of the vixenish ladies contended was a green door and not a yellow one Stop at the house with a green door driver said the heavy gentleman Oh You perwerse creetur exclaimed one of the vixenish ladies Drive to the ouse with the yellow door cabmin Upon this the cabman who in a sudden effort to pull up at the house with the green door had pulled the horse up so high that he nearly pulled him backward into the cabriolet let the animals forelegs down to the ground again and paused Now vere am I to pull up inquired the driver Settle it among yourselves All I ask is vere Here the contest was renewed with increased violence and the horse being troubled with a fly on his nose the cabman humanely employed his leisure in lashing him about on the head on the counterirritation principle Most wotes carries the day said one of the vixenish ladies at length The ouse with the yellow door cabman But after the cabriolet had dashed up in splendid style to the house with the yellow door making as one of the vixenish ladies triumphantly said acterrally more noise than if one had come in ones own carriage and after the driver had dismounted to assist the ladies in getting out the small round head of Master Thomas Bardell was thrust out of the onepair window of a house with a red door a few numbers off Aggrawatin thing said the vixenish lady lastmentioned darting a withering glance at the heavy gentleman My dear its not my fault said the gentleman Dont talk to me you creetur dont retorted the lady The house with the red door cabmin Oh If ever a woman was troubled with a ruffinly creetur that takes a pride and a pleasure in disgracing his wife on every possible occasion afore strangers I am that woman You ought to be ashamed of yourself Raddle said the other little woman who was no other than Mrs Cluppins What have I been adoing of asked Mr Raddle Dont talk to me dont you brute for fear I should be perwoked to forgit my sect and strike you said Mrs Raddle While this dialogue was going on the driver was most ignominiously leading the horse by the bridle up to the house with the red door which Master Bardell had already opened Here was a mean and low way of arriving at a friends house No dashing up with all the fire and fury of the animal no jumping down of the driver no loud knocking at the door no opening of the apron with a crash at the very last moment for fear of the ladies sitting in a draught and then the man handing the shawls out afterwards as if he were a private coachman The whole edge of the thing had been taken offit was flatter than walking Well Tommy said Mrs Cluppins hows your poor dear mother Oh shes very well replied Master Bardell Shes in the front parlour all ready Im ready too I am Here Master Bardell put his hands in his pockets and jumped off and on the bottom step of the door Is anybody else agoin Tommy said Mrs Cluppins arranging her pelerine Mrs Sanders is going she is replied Tommy Im going too I am Drat the boy said little Mrs Cluppins He thinks of nobody but himself Here Tommy dear Well said Master Bardell Who else is agoin lovey said Mrs Cluppins in an insinuating manner Oh Mrs Rogers is agoin replied Master Bardell opening his eyes very wide as he delivered the intelligence What The lady as has taken the lodgings ejaculated Mrs Cluppins Master Bardell put his hands deeper down into his pockets and nodded exactly thirtyfive times to imply that it was the ladylodger and no other Bless us said Mrs Cluppins Its quite a party Ah if you knew what was in the cupboard youd say so replied Master Bardell What is there Tommy said Mrs Cluppins coaxingly Youll tell me Tommy I know No I wont replied Master Bardell shaking his head and applying himself to the bottom step again Drat the child muttered Mrs Cluppins What a prowokin little wretch it is Come Tommy tell your dear Cluppy Mother said I wasnt to rejoined Master Bardell Im agoin to have some I am Cheered by this prospect the precocious boy applied himself to his infantile treadmill with increased vigour The above examination of a child of tender years took place while Mr and Mrs Raddle and the cabdriver were having an altercation concerning the fare which terminating at this point in favour of the cabman Mrs Raddle came up tottering Lauk Mary Ann whats the matter said Mrs Cluppins Its put me all over in such a tremble Betsy replied Mrs Raddle Raddle aint like a man he leaves everythink to me This was scarcely fair upon the unfortunate Mr Raddle who had been thrust aside by his good lady in the commencement of the dispute and peremptorily commanded to hold his tongue He had no opportunity of defending himself however for Mrs Raddle gave unequivocal signs of fainting which being perceived from the parlour window Mrs Bardell Mrs Sanders the lodger and the lodgers servant darted precipitately out and conveyed her into the house all talking at the same time and giving utterance to various expressions of pity and condolence as if she were one of the most suffering mortals on earth Being conveyed into the front parlour she was there deposited on a sofa and the lady from the first floor running up to the first floor returned with a bottle of salvolatile which holding Mrs Raddle tight round the neck she applied in all womanly kindness and pity to her nose until that lady with many plunges and struggles was fain to declare herself decidedly better Ah poor thing said Mrs Rogers I know what her feelins is too well Ah poor thing so do I said Mrs Sanders and then all the ladies moaned in unison and said they knew what it was and they pitied her from their hearts they did Even the lodgers little servant who was thirteen years old and three feet high murmured her sympathy But whats been the matter said Mrs Bardell Ah what has decomposed you maam inquired Mrs Rogers I have been a good deal flurried replied Mrs Raddle in a reproachful manner Thereupon the ladies cast indignant glances at Mr Raddle Why the fact is said that unhappy gentleman stepping forward when we alighted at this door a dispute arose with the driver of the cabrioily A loud scream from his wife at the mention of this word rendered all further explanation inaudible Youd better leave us to bring her round Raddle said Mrs Cluppins Shell never get better as long as youre here All the ladies concurred in this opinion so Mr Raddle was pushed out of the room and requested to give himself an airing in the back yard Which he did for about a quarter of an hour when Mrs Bardell announced to him with a solemn face that he might come in now but that he must be very careful how he behaved towards his wife She knew he didnt mean to be unkind but Mary Ann was very far from strong and if he didnt take care he might lose her when he least expected it which would be a very dreadful reflection for him afterwards and so on All this Mr Raddle heard with great submission and presently returned to the parlour in a most lamblike manner Why Mrs Rogers maam said Mrs Bardell youve never been introduced I declare Mr Raddle maam Mrs Cluppins maam Mrs Raddle maam Which is Mrs Cluppinss sister suggested Mrs Sanders Oh indeed said Mrs Rogers graciously for she was the lodger and her servant was in waiting so she was more gracious than intimate in right of her position Oh indeed Mrs Raddle smiled sweetly Mr Raddle bowed and Mrs Cluppins said she was sure she was very happy to have an opportunity of being known to a lady which she had heerd so much in favour of as Mrs Rogers A compliment which the lastnamed lady acknowledged with graceful condescension Well Mr Raddle said Mrs Bardell Im sure you ought to feel very much honoured at you and Tommy being the only gentlemen to escort so many ladies all the way to the Spaniards at Hampstead Dont you think he ought Mrs Rogers maam Oh certainly maam replied Mrs Rogers after whom all the other ladies responded Oh certainly Of course I feel it maam said Mr Raddle rubbing his hands and evincing a slight tendency to brighten up a little Indeed to tell you the truth I said as we was acoming along in the cabrioily At the recapitulation of the word which awakened so many painful recollections Mrs Raddle applied her handkerchief to her eyes again and uttered a halfsuppressed scream so that Mrs Bardell frowned upon Mr Raddle to intimate that he had better not say anything more and desired Mrs Rogerss servant with an air to put the wine on This was the signal for displaying the hidden treasures of the closet which comprised sundry plates of oranges and biscuits and a bottle of old crusted portthat at oneandninewith another of the celebrated East India sherry at fourteenpence which were all produced in honour of the lodger and afforded unlimited satisfaction to everybody After great consternation had been excited in the mind of Mrs Cluppins by an attempt on the part of Tommy to recount how he had been crossexamined regarding the cupboard then in action which was fortunately nipped in the bud by his imbibing half a glass of the old crusted the wrong way and thereby endangering his life for some seconds the party walked forth in quest of a Hampstead stage This was soon found and in a couple of hours they all arrived safely in the Spaniards Teagardens where the luckless Mr Raddles very first act nearly occasioned his good lady a relapse it being neither more nor less than to order tea for seven whereas as the ladies one and all remarked what could have been easier than for Tommy to have drank out of anybodys cupor everybodys if that was allwhen the waiter wasnt looking which would have saved one head of tea and the tea just as good However there was no help for it and the teatray came with seven cups and saucers and breadandbutter on the same scale Mrs Bardell was unanimously voted into the chair and Mrs Rogers being stationed on her right hand and Mrs Raddle on her left the meal proceeded with great merriment and success How sweet the country is to be sure sighed Mrs Rogers I almost wish I lived in it always Oh you wouldnt like that maam replied Mrs Bardell rather hastily for it was not at all advisable with reference to the lodgings to encourage such notions you wouldnt like it maam Oh I should think you was a deal too lively and sought after to be content with the country maam said little Mrs Cluppins Perhaps I am maam Perhaps I am sighed the firstfloor lodger For lone people as have got nobody to care for them or take care of them or as have been hurt in their mind or that kind of thing observed Mr Raddle plucking up a little cheerfulness and looking round the country is all very well The country for a wounded spirit they say Now of all things in the world that the unfortunate man could have said any would have been preferable to this Of course Mrs Bardell burst into tears and requested to be led from the table instantly upon which the affectionate child began to cry too most dismally Would anybody believe maam exclaimed Mrs Raddle turning fiercely to the firstfloor lodger that a woman could be married to such a unmanly creetur which can tamper with a womans feelings as he does every hour in the day maam My dear remonstrated Mr Raddle I didnt mean anything my dear You didnt mean repeated Mrs Raddle with great scorn and contempt Go away I cant bear the sight on you you brute You must not flurry yourself Mary Ann interposed Mrs Cluppins You really must consider yourself my dear which you never do Now go away Raddle theres a good soul or youll only aggravate her You had better take your tea by yourself Sir indeed said Mrs Rogers again applying the smellingbottle Mrs Sanders who according to custom was very busy with the bread andbutter expressed the same opinion and Mr Raddle quietly retired After this there was a great hoisting up of Master Bardell who was rather a large size for hugging into his mothers arms in which operation he got his boots in the teaboard and occasioned some confusion among the cups and saucers But that description of fainting fits which is contagious among ladies seldom lasts long so when he had been well kissed and a little cried over Mrs Bardell recovered set him down again wondering how she could have been so foolish and poured out some more tea It was at this moment that the sound of approaching wheels was heard and that the ladies looking up saw a hackneycoach stop at the garden gate More company said Mrs Sanders Its a gentleman said Mrs Raddle Well if it aint Mr Jackson the young man from Dodson and Foggs cried Mrs Bardell Why gracious Surely Mr Pickwick cant have paid the damages Or hoffered marriage said Mrs Cluppins Dear me how slow the gentleman is exclaimed Mrs Rogers Why doesnt he make haste As the lady spoke these words Mr Jackson turned from the coach where he had been addressing some observations to a shabby man in black leggings who had just emerged from the vehicle with a thick ash stick in his hand and made his way to the place where the ladies were seated winding his hair round the brim of his hat as he came along Is anything the matter Has anything taken place Mr Jackson said Mrs Bardell eagerly Nothing whatever maam replied Mr Jackson How de do ladies I have to ask pardon ladies for intrudingbut the law ladiesthe law With this apology Mr Jackson smiled made a comprehensive bow and gave his hair another wind Mrs Rogers whispered Mrs Raddle that he was really an elegant young man I called in Goswell Street resumed Mr Jackson and hearing that you were here from the slavey took a coach and came on Our people want you down in the city directly Mrs Bardell Lor ejaculated that lady starting at the sudden nature of the communication Yes said Mr Jackson biting his lip Its very important and pressing business which cant be postponed on any account Indeed Dodson expressly said so to me and so did Fogg Ive kept the coach on purpose for you to go back in How very strange exclaimed Mrs Bardell The ladies agreed that it was very strange but were unanimously of opinion that it must be very important or Dodson Fogg would never have sent and further that the business being urgent she ought to repair to Dodson Foggs without any delay There was a certain degree of pride and importance about being wanted by ones lawyers in such a monstrous hurry that was by no means displeasing to Mrs Bardell especially as it might be reasonably supposed to enhance her consequence in the eyes of the firstfloor lodger She simpered a little affected extreme vexation and hesitation and at last arrived at the conclusion that she supposed she must go But wont you refresh yourself after your walk Mr Jackson said Mrs Bardell persuasively Why really there aint much time to lose replied Jackson and Ive got a friend here he continued looking towards the man with the ash stick Oh ask your friend to come here Sir said Mrs Bardell Pray ask your friend here Sir Why thankee Id rather not said Mr Jackson with some embarrassment of manner Hes not much used to ladies society and it makes him bashful If youll order the waiter to deliver him anything short he wont drink it off at once wont heonly try him Mr Jacksons fingers wandered playfully round his nose at this portion of his discourse to warn his hearers that he was speaking ironically The waiter was at once despatched to the bashful gentleman and the bashful gentleman took something Mr Jackson also took something and the ladies took something for hospitalitys sake Mr Jackson then said he was afraid it was time to go upon which Mrs Sanders Mrs Cluppins and Tommy who it was arranged should accompany Mrs Bardell leaving the others to Mr Raddles protection got into the coach Isaac said Jackson as Mrs Bardell prepared to get in looking up at the man with the ash stick who was seated on the box smoking a cigar Well This is Mrs Bardell Oh I knowd that long ago said the man Mrs Bardell got in Mr Jackson got in after her and away they drove Mrs Bardell could not help ruminating on what Mr Jacksons friend had said Shrewd creatures those lawyers Lord bless us how they find people out Sad thing about these costs of our peoples aint it said Jackson when Mrs Cluppins and Mrs Sanders had fallen asleep your bill of costs I mean Im very sorry they cant get them replied Mrs Bardell But if you law gentlemen do these things on speculation why you must get a loss now and then you know You gave them a cognovit for the amount of your costs after the trial Im told said Jackson Yes Just as a matter of form replied Mrs Bardell Certainly replied Jackson drily Quite a matter of form Quite On they drove and Mrs Bardell fell asleep She was awakened after some time by the stopping of the coach Bless us said the lady Are we at Freemans Court Were not going quite so far replied Jackson Have the goodness to step out Mrs Bardell not yet thoroughly awake complied It was a curious place a large wall with a gate in the middle and a gaslight burning inside Now ladies cried the man with the ash stick looking into the coach and shaking Mrs Sanders to wake her Come Rousing her friend Mrs Sanders alighted Mrs Bardell leaning on Jacksons arm and leading Tommy by the hand had already entered the porch They followed The room they turned into was even more oddlooking than the porch Such a number of men standing about And they stared so What place is this inquired Mrs Bardell pausing Only one of our public offices replied Jackson hurrying her through a door and looking round to see that the other women were following Look sharp Isaac Safe and sound replied the man with the ash stick The door swung heavily after them and they descended a small flight of steps Here we are at last All right and tight Mrs Bardell said Jackson looking exultingly round What do you mean said Mrs Bardell with a palpitating heart Just this replied Jackson drawing her a little on one side dont be frightened Mrs Bardell There never was a more delicate man than Dodson maam or a more humane man than Fogg It was their duty in the way of business to take you in execution for them costs but they were anxious to spare your feelings as much as they could What a comfort it must be to you to think how its been done This is the Fleet maam Wish you goodnight Mrs Bardell Goodnight Tommy As Jackson hurried away in company with the man with the ash stick another man with a key in his hand who had been looking on led the bewildered female to a second short flight of steps leading to a doorway Mrs Bardell screamed violently Tommy roared Mrs Cluppins shrunk within herself and Mrs Sanders made off without more ado For there stood the injured Mr Pickwick taking his nightly allowance of air and beside him leant Samuel Weller who seeing Mrs Bardell took his hat off with mock reverence while his master turned indignantly on his heel Dont bother the woman said the turnkey to Weller shes just come in A prisoner said Sam quickly replacing his hat Whos the plaintives What for Speak up old feller Dodson and Fogg replied the man execution on cognovit for costs Here Job Job shouted Sam dashing into the passage Run to Mr Perkers Job I want him directly I see some good in this Heres a game Hooray veres the govnor But there was no reply to these inquiries for Job had started furiously off the instant he received his commission and Mrs Bardell had fainted in real downright earnest CHAPTER XLVII IS CHIEFLY DEVOTED TO MATTERS OF BUSINESS AND THE TEMPORAL ADVANTAGE OF DODSON AND FOGGMR WINKLE REAPPEARS UNDER EXTRAORDINARY CIRCUMSTANCESMR PICKWICKS BENEVOLENCE PROVES STRONGER THAN HIS OBSTINACY Job Trotter abating nothing of his speed ran up Holborn sometimes in the middle of the road sometimes on the pavement sometimes in the gutter as the chances of getting along varied with the press of men women children and coaches in each division of the thoroughfare and regardless of all obstacles stopped not for an instant until he reached the gate of Grays Inn Notwithstanding all the expedition he had used however the gate had been closed a good halfhour when he reached it and by the time he had discovered Mr Perkers laundress who lived with a married daughter who had bestowed her hand upon a nonresident waiter who occupied the onepair of some number in some street closely adjoining to some brewery somewhere behind Grays Inn Lane it was within fifteen minutes of closing the prison for the night Mr Lowten had still to be ferreted out from the back parlour of the Magpie and Stump and Job had scarcely accomplished this object and communicated Sam Wellers message when the clock struck ten There said Lowten its too late now You cant get in tonight youve got the key of the street my friend Never mind me replied Job I can sleep anywhere But wont it be better to see Mr Perker tonight so that we may be there the first thing in the morning Why responded Lowten after a little consideration if it was in anybody elses case Perker wouldnt be best pleased at my going up to his house but as its Mr Pickwicks I think I may venture to take a cab and charge it to the office Deciding on this line of conduct Mr Lowten took up his hat and begging the assembled company to appoint a deputychairman during his temporary absence led the way to the nearest coachstand Summoning the cab of most promising appearance he directed the driver to repair to Montague Place Russell Square Mr Perker had had a dinnerparty that day as was testified by the appearance of lights in the drawingroom windows the sound of an improved grand piano and an improvable cabinet voice issuing therefrom and a rather overpowering smell of meat which pervaded the steps and entry In fact a couple of very good country agencies happening to come up to town at the same time an agreeable little party had been got together to meet them comprising Mr Snicks the Life Office Secretary Mr Prosee the eminent counsel three solicitors one commissioner of bankrupts a special pleader from the Temple a smalleyed peremptory young gentleman his pupil who had written a lively book about the law of demises with a vast quantity of marginal notes and references and several other eminent and distinguished personages From this society little Mr Perker detached himself on his clerk being announced in a whisper and repairing to the diningroom there found Mr Lowten and Job Trotter looking very dim and shadowy by the light of a kitchen candle which the gentleman who condescended to appear in plush shorts and cottons for a quarterly stipend had with a becoming contempt for the clerk and all things appertaining to the office placed upon the table Now Lowten said little Mr Perker shutting the door whats the matter No important letter come in a parcel is there No Sir replied Lowten This is a messenger from Mr Pickwick Sir From Pickwick eh said the little man turning quickly to Job Well what is it Dodson and Fogg have taken Mrs Bardell in execution for her costs Sir said Job No exclaimed Perker putting his hands in his pockets and reclining against the sideboard Yes said Job It seems they got a cognovit out of her for the amount of em directly after the trial By Jove said Perker taking both hands out of his pockets and striking the knuckles of his right against the palm of his left emphatically those are the cleverest scamps I ever had anything to do with The sharpest practitioners I ever knew Sir observed Lowten Sharp echoed Perker Theres no knowing where to have them Very true Sir there is not replied Lowten and then both master and man pondered for a few seconds with animated countenances as if they were reflecting upon one of the most beautiful and ingenious discoveries that the intellect of man had ever made When they had in some measure recovered from their trance of admiration Job Trotter discharged himself of the rest of his commission Perker nodded his head thoughtfully and pulled out his watch At ten precisely I will be there said the little man Sam is quite right Tell him so Will you take a glass of wine Lowten No thank you Sir You mean yes I think said the little man turning to the sideboard for a decanter and glasses As Lowten did mean yes he said no more on the subject but inquired of Job in an audible whisper whether the portrait of Perker which hung opposite the fireplace wasnt a wonderful likeness to which Job of course replied that it was The wine being by this time poured out Lowten drank to Mrs Perker and the children and Job to Perker The gentleman in the plush shorts and cottons considering it no part of his duty to show the people from the office out consistently declined to answer the bell and they showed themselves out The attorney betook himself to his drawingroom the clerk to the Magpie and Stump and Job to Covent Garden Market to spend the night in a vegetable basket Punctually at the appointed hour next morning the goodhumoured little attorney tapped at Mr Pickwicks door which was opened with great alacrity by Sam Weller Mr Perker sir said Sam announcing the visitor to Mr Pickwick who was sitting at the window in a thoughtful attitude Wery glad youve looked in accidentally Sir I rather think the govnor wants to have a word and a half with you Sir Perker bestowed a look of intelligence on Sam intimating that he understood he was not to say he had been sent for and beckoning him to approach whispered briefly in his ear You dont mean that ere Sir said Sam starting back in excessive surprise Perker nodded and smiled Mr Samuel Weller looked at the little lawyer then at Mr Pickwick then at the ceiling then at Perker again grinned laughed outright and finally catching up his hat from the carpet without further explanation disappeared What does this mean inquired Mr Pickwick looking at Perker with astonishment What has put Sam into this extraordinary state Oh nothing nothing replied Perker Come my dear Sir draw up your chair to the table I have a good deal to say to you What papers are those inquired Mr Pickwick as the little man deposited on the table a small bundle of documents tied with red tape The papers in Bardell and Pickwick replied Perker undoing the knot with his teeth Mr Pickwick grated the legs of his chair against the ground and throwing himself into it folded his hands and looked sternlyif Mr Pickwick ever could look sternlyat his legal friend You dont like to hear the name of the cause said the little man still busying himself with the knot No I do not indeed replied Mr Pickwick Sorry for that resumed Perker because it will form the subject of our conversation I would rather that the subject should be never mentioned between us Perker interposed Mr Pickwick hastily Pooh pooh my dear Sir said the little man untying the bundle and glancing eagerly at Mr Pickwick out of the corners of his eyes It must be mentioned I have come here on purpose Now are you ready to hear what I have to say my dear Sir No hurry if you are not I can wait I have this mornings paper here Your time shall be mine There Hereupon the little man threw one leg over the other and made a show of beginning to read with great composure and application Well well said Mr Pickwick with a sigh but softening into a smile at the same time Say what you have to say its the old story I suppose With a difference my dear Sir with a difference rejoined Perker deliberately folding up the paper and putting it into his pocket again Mrs Bardell the plaintiff in the action is within these walls Sir I know it was Mr Pickwicks reply Very good retorted Perker And you know how she comes here I suppose I mean on what grounds and at whose suit Yes at least I have heard Sams account of the matter said Mr Pickwick with affected carelessness Sams account of the matter replied Perker is I will venture to say a perfectly correct one Well now my dear Sir the first question I have to ask is whether this woman is to remain here To remain here echoed Mr Pickwick To remain here my dear Sir rejoined Perker leaning back in his chair and looking steadily at his client How can you ask me said that gentleman It rests with Dodson and Fogg you know that very well I know nothing of the kind retorted Perker firmly It does not rest with Dodson and Fogg you know the men my dear Sir as well as I do It rests solely wholly and entirely with you With me ejaculated Mr Pickwick rising nervously from his chair and reseating himself directly afterwards The little man gave a doubleknock on the lid of his snuffbox opened it took a great pinch shut it up again and repeated the words With you I say my dear Sir resumed the little man who seemed to gather confidence from the snuffI say that her speedy liberation or perpetual imprisonment rests with you and with you alone Hear me out my dear Sir if you please and do not be so very energetic for it will only put you into a perspiration and do no good whatever I say continued Perker checking off each position on a different finger as he laid it downI say that nobody but you can rescue her from this den of wretchedness and that you can only do that by paying the costs of this suitboth of plaintive and defendantinto the hands of these Freeman Court sharks Now pray be quiet my dear sir Mr Pickwick whose face had been undergoing most surprising changes during this speech and was evidently on the verge of a strong burst of indignation calmed his wrath as well as he could Perker strengthening his argumentative powers with another pinch of snuff proceeded I have seen the woman this morning By paying the costs you can obtain a full release and discharge from the damages and furtherthis I know is a far greater object of consideration with you my dear sira voluntary statement under her hand in the form of a letter to me that this business was from the very first fomented and encouraged and brought about by these men Dodson and Fogg that she deeply regrets ever having been the instrument of annoyance or injury to you and that she entreats me to intercede with you and implore your pardon If I pay her costs for her said Mr Pickwick indignantly A valuable document indeed No if in the case my dear Sir said Perker triumphantly There is the very letter I speak of Brought to my office by another woman at nine oclock this morning before I had set foot in this place or held any communication with Mrs Bardell upon my honour Selecting the letter from the bundle the little lawyer laid it at Mr Pickwicks elbow and took snuff for two consecutive minutes without winking Is this all you have to say to me inquired Mr Pickwick mildly Not quite replied Perker I cannot undertake to say at this moment whether the wording of the cognovit the nature of the ostensible consideration and the proof we can get together about the whole conduct of the suit will be sufficient to justify an indictment for conspiracy I fear not my dear Sir they are too clever for that I doubt I do mean to say however that the whole facts taken together will be sufficient to justify you in the minds of all reasonable men And now my dear Sir I put it to you This one hundred and fifty pounds or whatever it may betake it in round numbersis nothing to you A jury had decided against you well their verdict is wrong but still they decided as they thought right and it is against you You have now an opportunity on easy terms of placing yourself in a much higher position than you ever could by remaining here which would only be imputed by people who didnt know you to sheer dogged wrongheaded brutal obstinacy nothing else my dear Sir believe me Can you hesitate to avail yourself of it when it restores you to your friends your old pursuits your health and amusements when it liberates your faithful and attached servant whom you otherwise doom to imprisonment for the whole of your life and above all when it enables you to take the very magnanimous revengewhich I know my dear sir is one after your own heartof releasing this woman from a scene of misery and debauchery to which no man should ever be consigned if I had my will but the infliction of which on any woman is even more frightful and barbarous Now I ask you my dear sir not only as your legal adviser but as your very true friend will you let slip the occasion of attaining all these objects and doing all this good for the paltry consideration of a few pounds finding their way into the pockets of a couple of rascals to whom it makes no manner of difference except that the more they gain the more theyll seek and so the sooner be led into some piece of knavery that must end in a crash I have put these considerations to you my dear Sir very feebly and imperfectly but I ask you to think of them Turn them over in your mind as long as you please I wait here most patiently for your answer Before Mr Pickwick could reply before Mr Perker had taken one twentieth part of the snuff with which so unusually long an address imperatively required to be followed up there was a low murmuring of voices outside and then a hesitating knock at the door Dear dear exclaimed Mr Pickwick who had been evidently roused by his friends appeal what an annoyance that door is Who is that Me Sir replied Sam Weller putting in his head I cant speak to you just now Sam said Mr Pickwick I am engaged at this moment Sam Beg your pardon Sir rejoined Mr Weller But heres a lady here Sir as says shes somethin wery partickler to disclose I cant see any lady replied Mr Pickwick whose mind was filled with visions of Mrs Bardell I wouldnt make too sure o that Sir urged Mr Weller shaking his head If you knowd who was near sir I rayther think youd change your note as the hawk remarked to himself vith a cheerful laugh ven he heerd the robinredbreast asingin round the corner Who is it inquired Mr Pickwick Will you see her Sir asked Mr Weller holding the door in his hand as if he had some curious live animal on the other side I suppose I must said Mr Pickwick looking at Perker Well then all in to begin cried Sam Sound the gong draw up the curtain and enter the two conspiraytors As Sam Weller spoke he threw the door open and there rushed tumultuously into the room Mr Nathaniel Winkle leading after him by the hand the identical young lady who at Dingley Dell had worn the boots with the fur round the tops and who now a very pleasing compound of blushes and confusion and lilac silk and a smart bonnet and a rich lace veil looked prettier than ever Miss Arabella Allen exclaimed Mr Pickwick rising from his chair No replied Mr Winkle dropping on his knees Mrs Winkle Pardon my dear friend pardon Mr Pickwick could scarcely believe the evidence of his senses and perhaps would not have done so but for the corroborative testimony afforded by the smiling countenance of Perker and the bodily presence in the background of Sam and the pretty housemaid who appeared to contemplate the proceedings with the liveliest satisfaction Oh Mr Pickwick said Arabella in a low voice as if alarmed at the silence Can you forgive my imprudence Mr Pickwick returned no verbal response to this appeal but he took off his spectacles in great haste and seizing both the young ladys hands in his kissed her a great number of timesperhaps a greater number than was absolutely necessaryand then still retaining one of her hands told Mr Winkle he was an audacious young dog and bade him get up This Mr Winkle who had been for some seconds scratching his nose with the brim of his hat in a penitent manner did whereupon Mr Pickwick slapped him on the back several times and then shook hands heartily with Perker who not to be behindhand in the compliments of the occasion saluted both the bride and the pretty housemaid with right goodwill and having wrung Mr Winkles hand most cordially wound up his demonstrations of joy by taking snuff enough to set any halfdozen men with ordinarilyconstructed noses asneezing for life Why my dear girl said Mr Pickwick how has all this come about Come Sit down and let me hear it all How well she looks doesnt she Perker added Mr Pickwick surveying Arabellas face with a look of as much pride and exultation as if she had been his daughter Delightful my dear Sir replied the little man If I were not a married man myself I should be disposed to envy you you dog Thus expressing himself the little lawyer gave Mr Winkle a poke in the chest which that gentleman reciprocated after which they both laughed very loudly but not so loudly as Mr Samuel Weller who had just relieved his feelings by kissing the pretty housemaid under cover of the cupboard door I can never be grateful enough to you Sam I am sure said Arabella with the sweetest smile imaginable I shall not forget your exertions in the garden at Clifton Dont say nothin wotever about it maam replied Sam I only assisted natur maam as the doctor said to the boys mother after hed bled him to death Mary my dear sit down said Mr Pickwick cutting short these compliments Now then how long have you been married eh Arabella looked bashfully at her lord and master who replied Only three days Only three days eh said Mr Pickwick Why what have you been doing these three months Ah to be sure interposed Perker come account for this idleness You see Mr Pickwicks only astonishment is that it wasnt all over months ago Why the fact is replied Mr Winkle looking at his blushing young wife that I could not persuade Bella to run away for a long time And when I had persuaded her it was a long time more before we could find an opportunity Mary had to give a months warning too before she could leave her place next door and we couldnt possibly have done it without her assistance Upon my word exclaimed Mr Pickwick who by this time had resumed his spectacles and was looking from Arabella to Winkle and from Winkle to Arabella with as much delight depicted in his countenance as warmheartedness and kindly feeling can communicate to the human face upon my word you seem to have been very systematic in your proceedings And is your brother acquainted with all this my dear Oh no no replied Arabella changing colour Dear Mr Pickwick he must only know it from youfrom your lips alone He is so violent so prejudiced and has been soso anxious in behalf of his friend Mr Sawyer added Arabella looking down that I fear the consequences dreadfully Ah to be sure said Perker gravely You must take this matter in hand for them my dear sir These young men will respect you when they would listen to nobody else You must prevent mischief my dear Sir Hot blood hot blood And the little man took a warning pinch and shook his head doubtfully You forget my love said Mr Pickwick gently you forget that I am a prisoner No indeed I do not my dear Sir replied Arabella I never have forgotten it I have never ceased to think how great your sufferings must have been in this shocking place But I hoped that what no consideration for yourself would induce you to do a regard to our happiness might If my brother hears of this first from you I feel certain we shall be reconciled He is my only relation in the world Mr Pickwick and unless you plead for me I fear I have lost even him I have done wrong very very wrong I know Here poor Arabella hid her face in her handkerchief and wept bitterly Mr Pickwicks nature was a good deal worked upon by these same tears but when Mrs Winkle drying her eyes took to coaxing and entreating in the sweetest tones of a very sweet voice he became particularly restless and evidently undecided how to act as was evinced by sundry nervous rubbings of his spectacleglasses nose tights head and gaiters Taking advantage of these symptoms of indecision Mr Perker to whom it appeared the young couple had driven straight that morning urged with legal point and shrewdness that Mr Winkle senior was still unacquainted with the important rise in lifes flight of steps which his son had taken that the future expectations of the said son depended entirely upon the said Winkle senior continuing to regard him with undiminished feelings of affection and attachment which it was very unlikely he would if this great event were long kept a secret from him that Mr Pickwick repairing to Bristol to seek Mr Allen might with equal reason repair to Birmingham to seek Mr Winkle senior lastly that Mr Winkle senior had good right and title to consider Mr Pickwick as in some degree the guardian and adviser of his son and that it consequently behoved that gentleman and was indeed due to his personal character to acquaint the aforesaid Winkle senior personally and by word of mouth with the whole circumstances of the case and with the share he had taken in the transaction Mr Tupman and Mr Snodgrass arrived most opportunely in this stage of the pleadings and as it was necessary to explain to them all that had occurred together with the various reasons pro and con the whole of the arguments were gone over again after which everybody urged every argument in his own way and at his own length And at last Mr Pickwick fairly argued and remonstrated out of all his resolutions and being in imminent danger of being argued and remonstrated out of his wits caught Arabella in his arms and declaring that she was a very amiable creature and that he didnt know how it was but he had always been very fond of her from the first said he could never find it in his heart to stand in the way of young peoples happiness and they might do with him as they pleased Mr Wellers first act on hearing this concession was to despatch Job Trotter to the illustrious Mr Pell with an authority to deliver to the bearer the formal discharge which his prudent parent had had the foresight to leave in the hands of that learned gentleman in case it should be at any time required on an emergency his next proceeding was to invest his whole stock of readymoney in the purchase of five andtwenty gallons of mild porter which he himself dispensed on the racketground to everybody who would partake of it this done he hurrad in divers parts of the building until he lost his voice and then quietly relapsed into his usual collected and philosophical condition At three oclock that afternoon Mr Pickwick took a last look at his little room and made his way as well as he could through the throng of debtors who pressed eagerly forward to shake him by the hand until he reached the lodge steps He turned here to look about him and his eye lightened as he did so In all the crowd of wan emaciated faces he saw not one which was not happier for his sympathy and charity Perker said Mr Pickwick beckoning one young man towards him this is Mr Jingle whom I spoke to you about Very good my dear Sir replied Perker looking hard at Jingle You will see me again young man tomorrow I hope you may live to remember and feel deeply what I shall have to communicate Sir Jingle bowed respectfully trembled very much as he took Mr Pickwicks proffered hand and withdrew Job you know I think said Mr Pickwick presenting that gentleman I know the rascal replied Perker goodhumouredly See after your friend and be in the way tomorrow at one Do you hear Now is there anything more Nothing rejoined Mr Pickwick You have delivered the little parcel I gave you for your old landlord Sam I have Sir replied Sam He bust out acryin Sir and said you wos wery genrous and thoughtful and he only wished you could have him innockilated for a gallopin consumption for his old friend as had lived here so long wos dead and hed noweres to look for another Poor fellow poor fellow said Mr Pickwick God bless you my friends As Mr Pickwick uttered this adieu the crowd raised a loud shout Many among them were pressing forward to shake him by the hand again when he drew his arm through Perkers and hurried from the prison far more sad and melancholy for the moment than when he had first entered it Alas how many sad and unhappy beings had he left behind A happy evening was that for at least one party in the George and Vulture and light and cheerful were two of the hearts that emerged from its hospitable door next morning The owners thereof were Mr Pickwick and Sam Weller the former of whom was speedily deposited inside a comfortable postcoach with a little dickey behind in which the latter mounted with great agility Sir called out Mr Weller to his master Well Sam replied Mr Pickwick thrusting his head out of the window I wish them horses had been three months and better in the Fleet Sir Why Sam inquired Mr Pickwick Wy Sir exclaimed Mr Weller rubbing his hands how they would go if they had been CHAPTER XLVIII RELATES HOW MR PICKWICK WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF SAMUEL WELLER ESSAYED TO SOFTEN THE HEART OF MR BENJAMIN ALLEN AND TO MOLLIFY THE WRATH OF MR ROBERT SAWYER Mr Ben Allen and Mr Bob Sawyer sat together in the little surgery behind the shop discussing minced veal and future prospects when the discourse not unnaturally turned upon the practice acquired by Bob the aforesaid and his present chances of deriving a competent independence from the honourable profession to which he had devoted himself Which I think observed Mr Bob Sawyer pursuing the thread of the subjectwhich I think Ben are rather dubious Whats rather dubious inquired Mr Ben Allen at the same time sharpening his intellect with a draught of beer Whats dubious Why the chances responded Mr Bob Sawyer I forgot said Mr Ben Allen The beer has reminded me that I forgot Bobyes they are dubious Its wonderful how the poor people patronise me said Mr Bob Sawyer reflectively They knock me up at all hours of the night they take medicine to an extent which I should have conceived impossible they put on blisters and leeches with a perseverance worthy of a better cause they make additions to their families in a manner which is quite awful Six of those lastnamed little promissory notes all due on the same day Ben and all intrusted to me Its very gratifying isnt it said Mr Ben Allen holding his plate for some more minced veal Oh very replied Bob only not quite so much so as the confidence of patients with a shilling or two to spare would be This business was capitally described in the advertisement Ben It is a practice a very extensive practiceand thats all Bob said Mr Ben Allen laying down his knife and fork and fixing his eyes on the visage of his friend Bob Ill tell you what it is What is it inquired Mr Bob Sawyer You must make yourself with as little delay as possible master of Arabellas one thousand pounds Three per cent consolidated bank annuities now standing in her name in the book or books of the governor and company of the Bank of England added Bob Sawyer in legal phraseology Exactly so said Ben She has it when she comes of age or marries She wants a year of coming of age and if you plucked up a spirit she neednt want a month of being married Shes a very charming and delightful creature quoth Mr Robert Sawyer in reply and has only one fault that I know of Ben It happens unfortunately that that single blemish is a want of taste She dont like me Its my opinion that she dont know what she does like said Mr Ben Allen contemptuously Perhaps not remarked Mr Bob Sawyer But its my opinion that she does know what she doesnt like and thats of more importance I wish said Mr Ben Allen setting his teeth together and speaking more like a savage warrior who fed on raw wolfs flesh which he carved with his fingers than a peaceable young gentleman who ate minced veal with a knife and forkI wish I knew whether any rascal really has been tampering with her and attempting to engage her affections I think I should assassinate him Bob Id put a bullet in him if I found him out said Mr Sawyer stopping in the course of a long draught of beer and looking malignantly out of the porter pot If that didnt do his business Id extract it afterwards and kill him that way Mr Benjamin Allen gazed abstractedly on his friend for some minutes in silence and then said You have never proposed to her pointblank Bob No Because I saw it would be of no use replied Mr Robert Sawyer You shall do it before you are twentyfour hours older retorted Ben with desperate calmness She shall have you or Ill know the reason why Ill exert my authority Well said Mr Bob Sawyer we shall see We shall see my friend replied Mr Ben Allen fiercely He paused for a few seconds and added in a voice broken by emotion You have loved her from a child my friend You loved her when we were boys at school together and even then she was wayward and slighted your young feelings Do you recollect with all the eagerness of a childs love one day pressing upon her acceptance two small carawayseed biscuits and one sweet apple neatly folded into a circular parcel with the leaf of a copybook I do replied Bob Sawyer She slighted that I think said Ben Allen She did rejoined Bob She said I had kept the parcel so long in the pockets of my corduroys that the apple was unpleasantly warm I remember said Mr Allen gloomily Upon which we ate it ourselves in alternate bites Bob Sawyer intimated his recollection of the circumstance last alluded to by a melancholy frown and the two friends remained for some time absorbed each in his own meditations While these observations were being exchanged between Mr Bob Sawyer and Mr Benjamin Allen and while the boy in the gray livery marvelling at the unwonted prolongation of the dinner cast an anxious look from time to time towards the glass door distracted by inward misgivings regarding the amount of minced veal which would be ultimately reserved for his individual cravings there rolled soberly on through the streets of Bristol a private fly painted of a sad green colour drawn by a chubby sort of brown horse and driven by a surlylooking man with his legs dressed like the legs of a groom and his body attired in the coat of a coachman Such appearances are common to many vehicles belonging to and maintained by old ladies of economic habits and in this vehicle sat an old lady who was its mistress and proprietor Martin said the old lady calling to the surly man out of the front window Well said the surly man touching his hat to the old lady Mr Sawyers said the old lady I was going there said the surly man The old lady nodded the satisfaction which this proof of the surly mans foresight imparted to her feelings and the surly man giving a smart lash to the chubby horse they all repaired to Mr Bob Sawyers together Martin said the old lady when the fly stopped at the door of Mr Robert Sawyer late Nockemorf Well said Martin Ask the lad to step out and mind the horse Im going to mind the horse myself said Martin laying his whip on the roof of the fly I cant permit it on any account said the old lady your testimony will be very important and I must take you into the house with me You must not stir from my side during the whole interview Do you hear I hear replied Martin Well what are you stopping for Nothing replied Martin So saying the surly man leisurely descended from the wheel on which he had been poising himself on the tops of the toes of his right foot and having summoned the boy in the gray livery opened the coach door flung down the steps and thrusting in a hand enveloped in a dark washleather glove pulled out the old lady with as much unconcern in his manner as if she were a bandbox Dear me exclaimed the old lady I am so flurried now I have got here Martin that Im all in a tremble Mr Martin coughed behind the dark washleather gloves but expressed no sympathy so the old lady composing herself trotted up Mr Bob Sawyers steps and Mr Martin followed Immediately on the old ladys entering the shop Mr Benjamin Allen and Mr Bob Sawyer who had been putting the spiritsandwater out of sight and upsetting nauseous drugs to take off the smell of the tobacco smoke issued hastily forth in a transport of pleasure and affection My dear aunt exclaimed Mr Ben Allen how kind of you to look in upon us Mr Sawyer aunt my friend Mr Bob Sawyer whom I have spoken to you about regardingyou know aunt And here Mr Ben Allen who was not at the moment extraordinarily sober added the word Arabella in what was meant to be a whisper but which was an especially audible and distinct tone of speech which nobody could avoid hearing if anybody were so disposed My dear Benjamin said the old lady struggling with a great shortness of breath and trembling from head to foot dont be alarmed my dear but I think I had better speak to Mr Sawyer alone for a moment Only for one moment Bob said Mr Allen will you take my aunt into the surgery Certainly responded Bob in a most professional voice Step this way my dear maam Dont be frightened maam We shall be able to set you to rights in a very short time I have no doubt maam Here my dear maam Now then With this Mr Bob Sawyer having handed the old lady to a chair shut the door drew another chair close to her and waited to hear detailed the symptoms of some disorder from which he saw in perspective a long train of profits and advantages The first thing the old lady did was to shake her head a great many times and began to cry Nervous said Bob Sawyer complacently Camphorjulep and water three times a day and composing draught at night I dont know how to begin Mr Sawyer said the old lady It is so very painful and distressing You need not begin maam rejoined Mr Bob Sawyer I can anticipate all you would say The head is in fault I should be very sorry to think it was the heart said the old lady with a slight groan Not the slightest danger of that maam replied Bob Sawyer The stomach is the primary cause Mr Sawyer exclaimed the old lady starting Not the least doubt of it maam rejoined Bob looking wondrous wise Medicine in time my dear maam would have prevented it all Mr Sawyer said the old lady more flurried than before this conduct is either great impertinence to one in my situation Sir or it arises from your not understanding the object of my visit If it had been in the power of medicine or any foresight I could have used to prevent what has occurred I should certainly have done so I had better see my nephew at once said the old lady twirling her reticule indignantly and rising as she spoke Stop a moment maam said Bob Sawyer Im afraid I have not understood you What is the matter maam My niece Mr Sawyer said the old lady your friends sister Yes maam said Bob all impatience for the old lady although much agitated spoke with the most tantalising deliberation as old ladies often do Yes maam Left my home Mr Sawyer three days ago on a pretended visit to my sister another aunt of hers who keeps the large boardingschool just beyond the third milestone where there is a very large laburnumtree and an oak gate said the old lady stopping in this place to dry her eyes Oh devil take the laburnumtree maam said Bob quite forgetting his professional dignity in his anxiety Get on a little faster put a little more steam on maam pray This morning said the old lady slowlythis morning she She came back maam I suppose said Bob with great animation Did she come back No she did not she wrote replied the old lady What did she say inquired Bob eagerly She said Mr Sawyer replied the old ladyand it is this I want to prepare Benjamins mind for gently and by degrees she said that she wasI have got the letter in my pocket Mr Sawyer but my glasses are in the carriage and I should only waste your time if I attempted to point out the passage to you without them she said in short Mr Sawyer that she was married What said or rather shouted Mr Bob Sawyer Married repeated the old lady Mr Bob Sawyer stopped to hear no more but darting from the surgery into the outer shop cried in a stentorian voice Ben my boy shes bolted Mr Ben Allen who had been slumbering behind the counter with his head half a foot or so below his knees no sooner heard this appalling communication than he made a precipitate rush at Mr Martin and twisting his hand in the neckcloth of that taciturn servitor expressed an obliging intention of choking him where he stood This intention with a promptitude often the effect of desperation he at once commenced carrying into execution with much vigour and surgical skill Mr Martin who was a man of few words and possessed but little power of eloquence or persuasion submitted to this operation with a very calm and agreeable expression of countenance for some seconds finding however that it threatened speedily to lead to a result which would place it beyond his power to claim any wages board or otherwise in all time to come he muttered an inarticulate remonstrance and felled Mr Benjamin Allen to the ground As that gentleman had his hands entangled in his cravat he had no alternative but to follow him to the floor There they both lay struggling when the shop door opened and the party was increased by the arrival of two most unexpected visitors to wit Mr Pickwick and Mr Samuel Weller The impression at once produced on Mr Wellers mind by what he saw was that Mr Martin was hired by the establishment of Sawyer late Nockemorf to take strong medicine or to go into fits and be experimentalised upon or to swallow poison now and then with the view of testing the efficacy of some new antidotes or to do something or other to promote the great science of medicine and gratify the ardent spirit of inquiry burning in the bosoms of its two young professors So without presuming to interfere Sam stood perfectly still and looked on as if he were mightily interested in the result of the then pending experiment Not so Mr Pickwick He at once threw himself on the astonished combatants with his accustomed energy and loudly called upon the bystanders to interpose This roused Mr Bob Sawyer who had been hitherto quite paralysed by the frenzy of his companion With that gentlemans assistance Mr Pickwick raised Ben Allen to his feet Mr Martin finding himself alone on the floor got up and looked about him Mr Allen said Mr Pickwick what is the matter Sir Never mind Sir replied Mr Allen with haughty defiance What is it inquired Mr Pickwick looking at Bob Sawyer Is he unwell Before Bob could reply Mr Ben Allen seized Mr Pickwick by the hand and murmured in sorrowful accents My sister my dear Sir my sister Oh is that all said Mr Pickwick We shall easily arrange that matter I hope Your sister is safe and well and I am here my dear Sir to Sorry to do anythin as may cause an interruption to such wery pleasant proceedins as the king said wen he dissolved the parliament interposed Mr Weller who had been peeping through the glass door but theres another experiment here sir Heres a wenerable old lady a lyin on the carpet waitin for dissection or galwinism or some other rewivin and scientific inwention I forgot exclaimed Mr Ben Allen It is my aunt Dear me said Mr Pickwick Poor lady Gently Sam gently Strange sitivation for one o the family observed Sam Weller hoisting the aunt into a chair Now depitty sawbones bring out the wollatilly The latter observation was addressed to the boy in gray who having handed over the fly to the care of the streetkeeper had come back to see what all the noise was about Between the boy in gray and Mr Bob Sawyer and Mr Benjamin Allen who having frightened his aunt into a fainting fit was affectionately solicitous for her recovery the old lady was at length restored to consciousness then Mr Ben Allen turning with a puzzled countenance to Mr Pickwick asked him what he was about to say when he had been so alarmingly interrupted We are all friends here I presume said Mr Pickwick clearing his voice and looking towards the man of few words with the surly countenance who drove the fly with the chubby horse This reminded Mr Bob Sawyer that the boy in gray was looking on with eyes wide open and greedy ears The incipient chemist having been lifted up by his coat collar and dropped outside the door Bob Sawyer assured Mr Pickwick that he might speak without reserve Your sister my dear Sir said Mr Pickwick turning to Benjamin Allen is in London well and happy Her happiness is no object to me sir said Benjamin Allen with a flourish of the hand Her husband is an object to me Sir said Bob Sawyer He shall be an object to me sir at twelve paces and a pretty object Ill make of him sira meanspirited scoundrel This as it stood was a very pretty denunciation and magnanimous withal but Mr Bob Sawyer rather weakened its effect by winding up with some general observations concerning the punching of heads and knocking out of eyes which were commonplace by comparison Stay sir said Mr Pickwick before you apply those epithets to the gentleman in question consider dispassionately the extent of his fault and above all remember that he is a friend of mine What said Mr Bob Sawyer His name cried Ben Allen His name Mr Nathaniel Winkle said Mr Pickwick Mr Benjamin Allen deliberately crushed his spectacles beneath the heel of his boot and having picked up the pieces and put them into three separate pockets folded his arms bit his lips and looked in a threatening manner at the bland features of Mr Pickwick Then its you is it Sir who have encouraged and brought about this match inquired Mr Benjamin Allen at length And its this gentlemans servant I suppose interrupted the old lady who has been skulking about my house and endeavouring to entrap my servants to conspire against their mistressMartin Well said the surly man coming forward Is that the young man you saw in the lane whom you told me about this morning Mr Martin who as it has already appeared was a man of few words looked at Sam Weller nodded his head and growled forth Thats the man Mr Weller who was never proud gave a smile of friendly recognition as his eyes encountered those of the surly groom and admitted in courteous terms that he had knowed him afore And this is the faithful creature exclaimed Mr Ben Allen whom I had nearly suffocatedMr Pickwick how dare you allow your fellow to be employed in the abduction of my sister I demand that you explain this matter sir Explain it sir cried Bob Sawyer fiercely Its a conspiracy said Ben Allen A regular plant added Mr Bob Sawyer A disgraceful imposition observed the old lady Nothing but a do remarked Martin Pray hear me urged Mr Pickwick as Mr Ben Allen fell into a chair that patients were bled in and gave way to his pockethandkerchief I have rendered no assistance in this matter beyond being present at one interview between the young people which I could not prevent and from which I conceived my presence would remove any slight colouring of impropriety that it might otherwise have had this is the whole share I have had in the transaction and I had no suspicion that an immediate marriage was even contemplated Though mind added Mr Pickwick hastily checking himselfmind I do not say I should have prevented it if I had known that it was intended You hear that all of you you hear that said Mr Benjamin Allen I hope they do mildly observed Mr Pickwick looking round and added that gentleman his colour mounting as he spoke I hope they hear this Sir also That from what has been stated to me sir I assert that you were by no means justified in attempting to force your sisters inclinations as you did and that you should rather have endeavoured by your kindness and forbearance to have supplied the place of other nearer relations whom she had never known from a child As regards my young friend I must beg to add that in every point of worldly advantage he is at least on an equal footing with yourself if not on a much better one and that unless I hear this question discussed with becoming temper and moderation I decline hearing any more said upon the subject I wish to make a wery few remarks in addition to wot has been put forard by the honourable genlmn as has jist give over said Mr Weller stepping forth wich is this here a indiwidual in company has called me a feller That has nothing whatever to do with the matter Sam interposed Mr Pickwick Pray hold your tongue I aint agoin to say nothin on that ere pint sir replied Sam but merely this here Praps that genlmn may think as there wos a priory tachment but there wornt nothin o the sort for the young lady said in the wery beginnin o the keepin company that she couldnt abide him Nobodys cut him out and it ud ha been jist the wery same for him if the young lady had never seen Mr Vinkle Thats what I wished to say sir and I hope Ive now made that ere genlmns mind easy A short pause followed these consolatory remarks of Mr Weller Then Mr Ben Allen rising from his chair protested that he would never see Arabellas face again while Mr Bob Sawyer despite Sams flattering assurance vowed dreadful vengeance on the happy bridegroom But just when matters were at their height and threatening to remain so Mr Pickwick found a powerful assistant in the old lady who evidently much struck by the mode in which he had advocated her nieces cause ventured to approach Mr Benjamin Allen with a few comforting reflections of which the chief were that after all perhaps it was well it was no worse the least said the soonest mended and upon her word she did not know that it was so very bad after all what was over couldnt be begun and what couldnt be cured must be endured with various other assurances of the like novel and strengthening description To all of these Mr Benjamin Allen replied that he meant no disrespect to his aunt or anybody there but if it were all the same to them and they would allow him to have his own way he would rather have the pleasure of hating his sister till death and after it At length when this determination had been announced half a hundred times the old lady suddenly bridling up and looking very majestic wished to know what she had done that no respect was to be paid to her years or station and that she should be obliged to beg and pray in that way of her own nephew whom she remembered about fiveandtwenty years before he was born and whom she had known personally when he hadnt a tooth in his head to say nothing of her presence on the first occasion of his having his hair cut and assistance at numerous other times and ceremonies during his babyhood of sufficient importance to found a claim upon his affection obedience and sympathies for ever While the good lady was bestowing this objurgation on Mr Ben Allen Bob Sawyer and Mr Pickwick had retired in close conversation to the inner room where Mr Sawyer was observed to apply himself several times to the mouth of a black bottle under the influence of which his features gradually assumed a cheerful and even jovial expression And at last he emerged from the room bottle in hand and remarking that he was very sorry to say he had been making a fool of himself begged to propose the health and happiness of Mr and Mrs Winkle whose felicity so far from envying he would be the first to congratulate them upon Hearing this Mr Ben Allen suddenly arose from his chair and seizing the black bottle drank the toast so heartily that the liquor being strong he became nearly as black in the face as the bottle Finally the black bottle went round till it was empty and there was so much shaking of hands and interchanging of compliments that even the metalvisaged Mr Martin condescended to smile And now said Bob Sawyer rubbing his hands well have a jolly night I am sorry said Mr Pickwick that I must return to my inn I have not been accustomed to fatigue lately and my journey has tired me exceedingly Youll take some tea Mr Pickwick said the old lady with irresistible sweetness Thank you I would rather not replied that gentleman The truth is that the old ladys evidently increasing admiration was Mr Pickwicks principal inducement for going away He thought of Mrs Bardell and every glance of the old ladys eyes threw him into a cold perspiration As Mr Pickwick could by no means be prevailed upon to stay it was arranged at once on his own proposition that Mr Benjamin Allen should accompany him on his journey to the elder Mr Winkles and that the coach should be at the door at nine oclock next morning He then took his leave and followed by Samuel Weller repaired to the Bush It is worthy of remark that Mr Martins face was horribly convulsed as he shook hands with Sam at parting and that he gave vent to a smile and an oath simultaneously from which tokens it has been inferred by those who were best acquainted with that gentlemans peculiarities that he expressed himself much pleased with Mr Wellers society and requested the honour of his further acquaintance Shall I order a private room Sir inquired Sam when they reached the Bush Why no Sam replied Mr Pickwick as I dined in the coffeeroom and shall go to bed soon it is hardly worth while See who there is in the travellers room Sam Mr Weller departed on his errand and presently returned to say that there was only a gentleman with one eye and that he and the landlord were drinking a bowl of bishop together I will join them said Mr Pickwick Hes a queer customer the vuneyed vun sir observed Mr Weller as he led the way Hes agammonin that ere landlord he is sir till he dont rightly know wether hes astanding on the soles of his boots or the crown of his hat The individual to whom this observation referred was sitting at the upper end of the room when Mr Pickwick entered and was smoking a large Dutch pipe with his eye intently fixed on the round face of the landlord a jollylooking old personage to whom he had recently been relating some tale of wonder as was testified by sundry disjointed exclamations of Well I wouldnt have believed it The strangest thing I ever heard Couldnt have supposed it possible and other expressions of astonishment which burst spontaneously from his lips as he returned the fixed gaze of the oneeyed man Servant sir said the oneeyed man to Mr Pickwick Fine night sir Very much so indeed replied Mr Pickwick as the waiter placed a small decanter of brandy and some hot water before him While Mr Pickwick was mixing his brandyandwater the oneeyed man looked round at him earnestly from time to time and at length said I think Ive seen you before I dont recollect you rejoined Mr Pickwick I dare say not said the oneeyed man You didnt know me but I knew two friends of yours that were stopping at the Peacock at Eatanswill at the time of the election Oh indeed exclaimed Mr Pickwick Yes rejoined the oneeyed man I mentioned a little circumstance to them about a friend of mine of the name of Tom Smart Perhaps youve heard them speak of it Often rejoined Mr Pickwick smiling He was your uncle I think No no only a friend of my uncles replied the oneeyed man He was a wonderful man that uncle of yours though remarked the landlord shaking his head Well I think he was I think I may say he was answered the oneeyed man I could tell you a story about that same uncle gentlemen that would rather surprise you Could you said Mr Pickwick Let us hear it by all means The oneeyed bagman ladled out a glass of negus from the bowl and drank it smoked a long whiff out of the Dutch pipe and then calling to Sam Weller who was lingering near the door that he neednt go away unless he wanted to because the story was no secret fixed his eye upon the landlords and proceeded in the words of the next chapter CHAPTER XLIX CONTAINING THE STORY OF THE BAGMANS UNCLE My uncle gentlemen said the bagman was one of the merriest pleasantest cleverest fellows that ever lived I wish you had known him gentlemen On second thoughts gentlemen I dont wish you had known him for if you had you would have been all by this time in the ordinary course of nature if not dead at all events so near it as to have taken to stopping at home and giving up company which would have deprived me of the inestimable pleasure of addressing you at this moment Gentlemen I wish your fathers and mothers had known my uncle They would have been amazingly fond of him especially your respectable mothers I know they would If any two of his numerous virtues predominated over the many that adorned his character I should say they were his mixed punch and his aftersupper song Excuse my dwelling on these melancholy recollections of departed worth you wont see a man like my uncle every day in the week I have always considered it a great point in my uncles character gentlemen that he was the intimate friend and companion of Tom Smart of the great house of Bilson and Slum Cateaton Street City My uncle collected for Tiggin and Welps but for a long time he went pretty near the same journey as Tom and the very first night they met my uncle took a fancy for Tom and Tom took a fancy for my uncle They made a bet of a new hat before they had known each other half an hour who should brew the best quart of punch and drink it the quickest My uncle was judged to have won the making but Tom Smart beat him in the drinking by about half a saltspoonful They took another quart apiece to drink each others health in and were staunch friends ever afterwards Theres a destiny in these things gentlemen we cant help it In personal appearance my uncle was a trifle shorter than the middle size he was a thought stouter too than the ordinary run of people and perhaps his face might be a shade redder He had the jolliest face you ever saw gentleman something like Punch with a handsome nose and chin his eyes were always twinkling and sparkling with goodhumour and a smilenot one of your unmeaning wooden grins but a real merry hearty goodtempered smilewas perpetually on his countenance He was pitched out of his gig once and knocked head first against a milestone There he lay stunned and so cut about the face with some gravel which had been heaped up alongside it that to use my uncles own strong expression if his mother could have revisited the earth she wouldnt have known him Indeed when I come to think of the matter gentlemen I feel pretty sure she wouldnt for she died when my uncle was two years and seven months old and I think its very likely that even without the gravel his topboots would have puzzled the good lady not a little to say nothing of his jolly red face However there he lay and I have heard my uncle say many a time that the man said who picked him up that he was smiling as merrily as if he had tumbled out for a treat and that after they had bled him the first faint glimmerings of returning animation were his jumping up in bed bursting out into a loud laugh kissing the young woman who held the basin and demanding a mutton chop and a pickled walnut He was very fond of pickled walnuts gentlemen He said he always found that taken without vinegar they relished the beer My uncles great journey was in the fall of the leaf at which time he collected debts and took orders in the north going from London to Edinburgh from Edinburgh to Glasgow from Glasgow back to Edinburgh and thence to London by the smack You are to understand that his second visit to Edinburgh was for his own pleasure He used to go back for a week just to look up his old friends and what with breakfasting with this one lunching with that dining with the third and supping with another a pretty tight week he used to make of it I dont know whether any of you gentlemen ever partook of a real substantial hospitable Scotch breakfast and then went out to a slight lunch of a bushel of oysters a dozen or so of bottled ale and a noggin or two of whiskey to close up with If you ever did you will agree with me that it requires a pretty strong head to go out to dinner and supper afterwards But bless your hearts and eyebrows all this sort of thing was nothing to my uncle He was so well seasoned that it was mere childs play I have heard him say that he could see the Dundee people out any day and walk home afterwards without staggering and yet the Dundee people have as strong heads and as strong punch gentlemen as you are likely to meet with between the poles I have heard of a Glasgow man and a Dundee man drinking against each other for fifteen hours at a sitting They were both suffocated as nearly as could be ascertained at the same moment but with this trifling exception gentlemen they were not a bit the worse for it One night within fourandtwenty hours of the time when he had settled to take shipping for London my uncle supped at the house of a very old friend of his a Bailie Mac something and four syllables after it who lived in the old town of Edinburgh There were the bailies wife and the bailies three daughters and the bailies grownup son and three or four stout bushy eyebrowed canny old Scotch fellows that the bailie had got together to do honour to my uncle and help to make merry It was a glorious supper There was kippered salmon and Finnan haddocks and a lambs head and a haggisa celebrated Scotch dish gentlemen which my uncle used to say always looked to him when it came to table very much like a Cupids stomachand a great many other things besides that I forget the names of but very good things notwithstanding The lassies were pretty and agreeable the bailies wife was one of the best creatures that ever lived and my uncle was in thoroughly good cue The consequence of which was that the young ladies tittered and giggled and the old lady laughed out loud and the bailie and the other old fellows roared till they were red in the face the whole mortal time I dont quite recollect how many tumblers of whiskey toddy each man drank after supper but this I know that about one oclock in the morning the bailies grownup son became insensible while attempting the first verse of Willie brewed a peck o maut and he having been for half an hour before the only other man visible above the mahogany it occurred to my uncle that it was almost time to think about going especially as drinking had set in at seven oclock in order that he might get home at a decent hour But thinking it might not be quite polite to go just then my uncle voted himself into the chair mixed another glass rose to propose his own health addressed himself in a neat and complimentary speech and drank the toast with great enthusiasm Still nobody woke so my uncle took a little drop moreneat this time to prevent the toddy from disagreeing with him and laying violent hands on his hat sallied forth into the street It was a wild gusty night when my uncle closed the bailies door and settling his hat firmly on his head to prevent the wind from taking it thrust his hands into his pockets and looking upward took a short survey of the state of the weather The clouds were drifting over the moon at their giddiest speed at one time wholly obscuring her at another suffering her to burst forth in full splendour and shed her light on all the objects around anon driving over her again with increased velocity and shrouding everything in darkness Really this wont do said my uncle addressing himself to the weather as if he felt himself personally offended This is not at all the kind of thing for my voyage It will not do at any price said my uncle very impressively Having repeated this several times he recovered his balance with some difficultyfor he was rather giddy with looking up into the sky so longand walked merrily on The bailies house was in the Canongate and my uncle was going to the other end of Leith Walk rather better than a miles journey On either side of him there shot up against the dark sky tall gaunt straggling houses with timestained fronts and windows that seemed to have shared the lot of eyes in mortals and to have grown dim and sunken with age Six seven eight storey high were the houses storey piled upon storey as children build with cardsthrowing their dark shadows over the roughly paved road and making the dark night darker A few oil lamps were scattered at long distances but they only served to mark the dirty entrance to some narrow close or to show where a common stair communicated by steep and intricate windings with the various flats above Glancing at all these things with the air of a man who had seen them too often before to think them worthy of much notice now my uncle walked up the middle of the street with a thumb in each waistcoat pocket indulging from time to time in various snatches of song chanted forth with such goodwill and spirit that the quiet honest folk started from their first sleep and lay trembling in bed till the sound died away in the distance when satisfying themselves that it was only some drunken neerdoweel finding his way home they covered themselves up warm and fell asleep again I am particular in describing how my uncle walked up the middle of the street with his thumbs in his waistcoat pockets gentlemen because as he often used to say and with great reason too there is nothing at all extraordinary in this story unless you distinctly understand at the beginning that he was not by any means of a marvellous or romantic turn Gentlemen my uncle walked on with his thumbs in his waistcoat pockets taking the middle of the street to himself and singing now a verse of a love song and then a verse of a drinking one and when he was tired of both whistling melodiously until he reached the North Bridge which at this point connects the old and new towns of Edinburgh Here he stopped for a minute to look at the strange irregular clusters of lights piled one above the other and twinkling afar off so high that they looked like stars gleaming from the castle walls on the one side and the Calton Hill on the other as if they illuminated veritable castles in the air while the old picturesque town slept heavily on in gloom and darkness below its palace and chapel of Holyrood guarded day and night as a friend of my uncles used to say by old Arthurs Seat towering surly and dark like some gruff genius over the ancient city he has watched so long I say gentlemen my uncle stopped here for a minute to look about him and then paying a compliment to the weather which had a little cleared up though the moon was sinking walked on again as royally as before keeping the middle of the road with great dignity and looking as if he would very much like to meet with somebody who would dispute possession of it with him There was nobody at all disposed to contest the point as it happened and so on he went with his thumbs in his waistcoat pockets like a lamb When my uncle reached the end of Leith Walk he had to cross a pretty large piece of waste ground which separated him from a short street which he had to turn down to go direct to his lodging Now in this piece of waste ground there was at that time an enclosure belonging to some wheelwright who contracted with the Post Office for the purchase of old wornout mail coaches and my uncle being very fond of coaches old young or middleaged all at once took it into his head to step out of his road for no other purpose than to peep between the palings at these mailsabout a dozen of which he remembered to have seen crowded together in a very forlorn and dismantled state inside My uncle was a very enthusiastic emphatic sort of person gentlemen so finding that he could not obtain a good peep between the palings he got over them and sitting himself quietly down on an old axletree began to contemplate the mail coaches with a deal of gravity There might be a dozen of them or there might be moremy uncle was never quite certain on this point and being a man of very scrupulous veracity about numbers didnt like to saybut there they stood all huddled together in the most desolate condition imaginable The doors had been torn from their hinges and removed the linings had been stripped off only a shred hanging here and there by a rusty nail the lamps were gone the poles had long since vanished the ironwork was rusty the paint was worn away the wind whistled through the chinks in the bare woodwork and the rain which had collected on the roofs fell drop by drop into the insides with a hollow and melancholy sound They were the decaying skeletons of departed mails and in that lonely place at that time of night they looked chill and dismal My uncle rested his head upon his hands and thought of the busy bustling people who had rattled about years before in the old coaches and were now as silent and changed he thought of the numbers of people to whom one of these crazy mouldering vehicles had borne night after night for many years and through all weathers the anxiously expected intelligence the eagerly lookedfor remittance the promised assurance of health and safety the sudden announcement of sickness and death The merchant the lover the wife the widow the mother the schoolboy the very child who tottered to the door at the postmans knockhow had they all looked forward to the arrival of the old coach And where were they all now Gentlemen my uncle used to say that he thought all this at the time but I rather suspect he learned it out of some book afterwards for he distinctly stated that he fell into a kind of doze as he sat on the old axletree looking at the decayed mail coaches and that he was suddenly awakened by some deep church bell striking two Now my uncle was never a fast thinker and if he had thought all these things I am quite certain it would have taken him till full halfpast two oclock at the very least I am therefore decidedly of opinion gentlemen that my uncle fell into a kind of doze without having thought about anything at all Be this as it may a church bell struck two My uncle woke rubbed his eyes and jumped up in astonishment In one instant after the clock struck two the whole of this deserted and quiet spot had become a scene of most extraordinary life and animation The mail coach doors were on their hinges the lining was replaced the ironwork was as good as new the paint was restored the lamps were alight cushions and greatcoats were on every coachbox porters were thrusting parcels into every boot guards were stowing away letterbags hostlers were dashing pails of water against the renovated wheels numbers of men were pushing about fixing poles into every coach passengers arrived portmanteaus were handed up horses were put to in short it was perfectly clear that every mail there was to be off directly Gentlemen my uncle opened his eyes so wide at all this that to the very last moment of his life he used to wonder how it fell out that he had ever been able to shut em again Now then said a voice as my uncle felt a hand on his shoulder youre booked for one inside Youd better get in I booked said my uncle turning round Yes certainly My uncle gentlemen could say nothing he was so very much astonished The queerest thing of all was that although there was such a crowd of persons and although fresh faces were pouring in every moment there was no telling where they came from They seemed to start up in some strange manner from the ground or the air and disappear in the same way When a porter had put his luggage in the coach and received his fare he turned round and was gone and before my uncle had well begun to wonder what had become of him half a dozen fresh ones started up and staggered along under the weight of parcels which seemed big enough to crush them The passengers were all dressed so oddly too Large broadskirted laced coats with great cuffs and no collars and wigs gentlemengreat formal wigs with a tie behind My uncle could make nothing of it Now are you going to get in said the person who had addressed my uncle before He was dressed as a mail guard with a wig on his head and most enormous cuffs to his coat and had a lantern in one hand and a huge blunderbuss in the other which he was going to stow away in his little armchest are you going to get in Jack Martin said the guard holding the lantern to my uncles face Hollo said my uncle falling back a step or two Thats familiar Its so on the waybill said the guard Isnt there a Mister before it said my uncle For he felt gentlemen that for a guard he didnt know to call him Jack Martin was a liberty which the Post Office wouldnt have sanctioned if they had known it No there is not rejoined the guard coolly Is the fare paid inquired my uncle Of course it is rejoined the guard It is is it said my uncle Then here goes Which coach This said the guard pointing to an oldfashioned Edinburgh and London mail which had the steps down and the door open Stop Here are the other passengers Let them get in first As the guard spoke there all at once appeared right in front of my uncle a young gentleman in a powdered wig and a skyblue coat trimmed with silver made very full and broad in the skirts which were lined with buckram Tiggin and Welps were in the printed calico and waistcoat piece line gentlemen so my uncle knew all the materials at once He wore knee breeches and a kind of leggings rolled up over his silk stockings and shoes with buckles he had ruffles at his wrists a threecornered hat on his head and a long taper sword by his side The flaps of his waistcoat came halfway down his thighs and the ends of his cravat reached to his waist He stalked gravely to the coach door pulled off his hat and held it above his head at arms length cocking his little finger in the air at the same time as some affected people do when they take a cup of tea Then he drew his feet together and made a low grave bow and then put out his left hand My uncle was just going to step forward and shake it heartily when he perceived that these attentions were directed not towards him but to a young lady who just then appeared at the foot of the steps attired in an oldfashioned green velvet dress with a long waist and stomacher She had no bonnet on her head gentlemen which was muffled in a black silk hood but she looked round for an instant as she prepared to get into the coach and such a beautiful face as she disclosed my uncle had never seennot even in a picture She got into the coach holding up her dress with one hand and as my uncle always said with a round oath when he told the story he wouldnt have believed it possible that legs and feet could have been brought to such a state of perfection unless he had seen them with his own eyes But in this one glimpse of the beautiful face my uncle saw that the young lady cast an imploring look upon him and that she appeared terrified and distressed He noticed too that the young fellow in the powdered wig notwithstanding his show of gallantry which was all very fine and grand clasped her tight by the wrist when she got in and followed himself immediately afterwards An uncommonly illlooking fellow in a close brown wig and a plumcoloured suit wearing a very large sword and boots up to his hips belonged to the party and when he sat himself down next to the young lady who shrank into a corner at his approach my uncle was confirmed in his original impression that something dark and mysterious was going forward or as he always said himself that there was a screw loose somewhere Its quite surprising how quickly he made up his mind to help the lady at any peril if she needed any help Death and lightning exclaimed the young gentleman laying his hand upon his sword as my uncle entered the coach Blood and thunder roared the other gentleman With this he whipped his sword out and made a lunge at my uncle without further ceremony My uncle had no weapon about him but with great dexterity he snatched the illlooking gentlemans threecornered hat from his head and receiving the point of his sword right through the crown squeezed the sides together and held it tight Pink him behind cried the illlooking gentleman to his companion as he struggled to regain his sword He had better not cried my uncle displaying the heel of one of his shoes in a threatening manner Ill kick his brains out if he has any or fracture his skull if he hasnt Exerting all his strength at this moment my uncle wrenched the illlooking mans sword from his grasp and flung it clean out of the coach window upon which the younger gentleman vociferated Death and lightning again and laid his hand upon the hilt of his sword in a very fierce manner but didnt draw it Perhaps gentlemen as my uncle used to say with a smile perhaps he was afraid of alarming the lady Now gentlemen said my uncle taking his seat deliberately I dont want to have any death with or without lightning in a ladys presence and we have had quite blood and thundering enough for one journey so if you please well sit in our places like quiet insides Here guard pick up that gentlemans carvingknife As quickly as my uncle said the words the guard appeared at the coach window with the gentlemans sword in his hand He held up his lantern and looked earnestly in my uncles face as he handed it in when by its light my uncle saw to his great surprise that an immense crowd of mailcoach guards swarmed round the window every one of whom had his eyes earnestly fixed upon him too He had never seen such a sea of white faces red bodies and earnest eyes in all his born days This is the strangest sort of thing I ever had anything to do with thought my uncle allow me to return you your hat sir The illlooking gentleman received his threecornered hat in silence looked at the hole in the middle with an inquiring air and finally stuck it on the top of his wig with a solemnity the effect of which was a trifle impaired by his sneezing violently at the moment and jerking it off again All right cried the guard with the lantern mounting into his little seat behind Away they went My uncle peeped out of the coach window as they emerged from the yard and observed that the other mails with coachmen guards horses and passengers complete were driving round and round in circles at a slow trot of about five miles an hour My uncle burned with indignation gentlemen As a commercial man he felt that the mailbags were not to be trifled with and he resolved to memorialise the Post Office on the subject the very instant he reached London At present however his thoughts were occupied with the young lady who sat in the farthest corner of the coach with her face muffled closely in her hood the gentleman with the skyblue coat sitting opposite to her the other man in the plumcoloured suit by her side and both watching her intently If she so much as rustled the folds of her hood he could hear the illlooking man clap his hand upon his sword and could tell by the others breathing it was so dark he couldnt see his face that he was looking as big as if he were going to devour her at a mouthful This roused my uncle more and more and he resolved come what might to see the end of it He had a great admiration for bright eyes and sweet faces and pretty legs and feet in short he was fond of the whole sex It runs in our family gentlemanso am I Many were the devices which my uncle practised to attract the ladys attention or at all events to engage the mysterious gentlemen in conversation They were all in vain the gentlemen wouldnt talk and the lady didnt dare He thrust his head out of the coach window at intervals and bawled out to know why they didnt go faster But he called till he was hoarse nobody paid the least attention to him He leaned back in the coach and thought of the beautiful face and the feet and legs This answered better it whiled away the time and kept him from wondering where he was going and how it was that he found himself in such an odd situation Not that this would have worried him much anywayhe was a mighty free and easy roving devilmaycare sort of person was my uncle gentlemen All of a sudden the coach stopped Hollo said my uncle whats in the wind now Alight here said the guard letting down the steps Here cried my uncle Here rejoined the guard Ill do nothing of the sort said my uncle Very well then stop where you are said the guard I will said my uncle Do said the guard The passengers had regarded this colloquy with great attention and finding that my uncle was determined not to alight the younger man squeezed past him to hand the lady out At this moment the illlooking man was inspecting the hole in the crown of his threecornered hat As the young lady brushed past she dropped one of her gloves into my uncles hand and softly whispered with her lips so close to his face that he felt her warm breath on his nose the single word Help Gentlemen my uncle leaped out of the coach at once with such violence that it rocked on the springs again Oh youve thought better of it have you said the guard when he saw my uncle standing on the ground My uncle looked at the guard for a few seconds in some doubt whether it wouldnt be better to wrench his blunderbuss from him fire it in the face of the man with the big sword knock the rest of the company over the head with the stock snatch up the young lady and go off in the smoke On second thoughts however he abandoned this plan as being a shade too melodramatic in the execution and followed the two mysterious men who keeping the lady between them were now entering an old house in front of which the coach had stopped They turned into the passage and my uncle followed Of all the ruinous and desolate places my uncle had ever beheld this was the most so It looked as if it had once been a large house of entertainment but the roof had fallen in in many places and the stairs were steep rugged and broken There was a huge fireplace in the room into which they walked and the chimney was blackened with smoke but no warm blaze lighted it up now The white feathery dust of burned wood was still strewed over the hearth but the stove was cold and all was dark and gloomy Well said my uncle as he looked about him a mail travelling at the rate of six miles and a half an hour and stopping for an indefinite time at such a hole as this is rather an irregular sort of proceeding I fancy This shall be made known Ill write to the papers My uncle said this in a pretty loud voice and in an open unreserved sort of manner with the view of engaging the two strangers in conversation if he could But neither of them took any more notice of him than whispering to each other and scowling at him as they did so The lady was at the farther end of the room and once she ventured to wave her hand as if beseeching my uncles assistance At length the two strangers advanced a little and the conversation began in earnest You dont know this is a private room I suppose fellow said the gentleman in skyblue No I do not fellow rejoined my uncle Only if this is a private room specially ordered for the occasion I should think the public room must be a very comfortable one with this my uncle sat himself down in a highbacked chair and took such an accurate measure of the gentleman with his eyes that Tiggin and Welps could have supplied him with printed calico for a suit and not an inch too much or too little from that estimate alone Quit this room said both men together grasping their swords Eh said my uncle not at all appearing to comprehend their meaning Quit the room or you are a dead man said the illlooking fellow with the large sword drawing it at the same time and flourishing it in the air Down with him cried the gentleman in skyblue drawing his sword also and falling back two or three yards Down with him The lady gave a loud scream Now my uncle was always remarkable for great boldness and great presence of mind All the time that he had appeared so indifferent to what was going on he had been looking slily about for some missile or weapon of defence and at the very instant when the swords were drawn he espied standing in the chimneycorner an old baskethilted rapier in a rusty scabbard At one bound my uncle caught it in his hand drew it flourished it gallantly above his head called aloud to the lady to keep out of the way hurled the chair at the man in skyblue and the scabbard at the man in plumcolour and taking advantage of the confusion fell upon them both pellmell Gentlemen there is an old storynone the worse for being true regarding a fine young Irish gentleman who being asked if he could play the fiddle replied he had no doubt he could but he couldnt exactly say for certain because he had never tried This is not inapplicable to my uncle and his fencing He had never had a sword in his hand before except once when he played Richard the Third at a private theatre upon which occasion it was arranged with Richmond that he was to be run through from behind without showing fight at all But here he was cutting and slashing with two experienced swordsman thrusting and guarding and poking and slicing and acquitting himself in the most manful and dexterous manner possible although up to that time he had never been aware that he had the least notion of the science It only shows how true the old saying is that a man never knows what he can do till he tries gentlemen The noise of the combat was terrific each of the three combatants swearing like troopers and their swords clashing with as much noise as if all the knives and steels in Newport market were rattling together at the same time When it was at its very height the lady to encourage my uncle most probably withdrew her hood entirely from her face and disclosed a countenance of such dazzling beauty that he would have fought against fifty men to win one smile from it and die He had done wonders before but now he began to powder away like a raving mad giant At this very moment the gentleman in skyblue turning round and seeing the young lady with her face uncovered vented an exclamation of rage and jealousy and turning his weapon against her beautiful bosom pointed a thrust at her heart which caused my uncle to utter a cry of apprehension that made the building ring The lady stepped lightly aside and snatching the young mans sword from his hand before he had recovered his balance drove him to the wall and running it through him and the panelling up to the very hilt pinned him there hard and fast It was a splendid example My uncle with a loud shout of triumph and a strength that was irresistible made his adversary retreat in the same direction and plunging the old rapier into the very centre of a large red flower in the pattern of his waistcoat nailed him beside his friend there they both stood gentlemen jerking their arms and legs about in agony like the toyshop figures that are moved by a piece of packthread My uncle always said afterwards that this was one of the surest means he knew of for disposing of an enemy but it was liable to one objection on the ground of expense inasmuch as it involved the loss of a sword for every man disabled The mail the mail cried the lady running up to my uncle and throwing her beautiful arms round his neck we may yet escape May cried my uncle why my dear theres nobody else to kill is there My uncle was rather disappointed gentlemen for he thought a little quiet bit of lovemaking would be agreeable after the slaughtering if it were only to change the subject We have not an instant to lose here said the young lady He pointing to the young gentleman in skyblue is the only son of the powerful Marquess of Filletoville Well then my dear Im afraid hell never come to the title said my uncle looking coolly at the young gentleman as he stood fixed up against the wall in the cockchafer fashion that I have described You have cut off the entail my love I have been torn from my home and my friends by these villains said the young lady her features glowing with indignation That wretch would have married me by violence in another hour Confound his impudence said my uncle bestowing a very contemptuous look on the dying heir of Filletoville As you may guess from what you have seen said the young lady the party were prepared to murder me if I appealed to any one for assistance If their accomplices find us here we are lost Two minutes hence may be too late The mail With these words overpowered by her feelings and the exertion of sticking the young Marquess of Filletoville she sank into my uncles arms My uncle caught her up and bore her to the house door There stood the mail with four longtailed flowingmaned black horses ready harnessed but no coachman no guard no hostler even at the horses heads Gentlemen I hope I do no injustice to my uncles memory when I express my opinion that although he was a bachelor he had held some ladies in his arms before this time I believe indeed that he had rather a habit of kissing barmaids and I know that in one or two instances he had been seen by credible witnesses to hug a landlady in a very perceptible manner I mention the circumstance to show what a very uncommon sort of person this beautiful young lady must have been to have affected my uncle in the way she did he used to say that as her long dark hair trailed over his arm and her beautiful dark eyes fixed themselves upon his face when she recovered he felt so strange and nervous that his legs trembled beneath him But who can look in a sweet soft pair of dark eyes without feeling queer I cant gentlemen I am afraid to look at some eyes I know and thats the truth of it You will never leave me murmured the young lady Never said my uncle And he meant it too My dear preserver exclaimed the young lady My dear kind brave preserver Dont said my uncle interrupting her Why inquired the young lady Because your mouth looks so beautiful when you speak rejoined my uncle that Im afraid I shall be rude enough to kiss it The young lady put up her hand as if to caution my uncle not to do so and saidNo she didnt say anythingshe smiled When you are looking at a pair of the most delicious lips in the world and see them gently break into a roguish smileif you are very near them and nobody else byyou cannot better testify your admiration of their beautiful form and colour than by kissing them at once My uncle did so and I honour him for it Hark cried the young lady starting The noise of wheels and horses So it is said my uncle listening He had a good ear for wheels and the trampling of hoofs but there appeared to be so many horses and carriages rattling towards them from a distance that it was impossible to form a guess at their number The sound was like that of fifty brakes with six blood cattle in each We are pursued cried the young lady clasping her hands We are pursued I have no hope but in you There was such an expression of terror in her beautiful face that my uncle made up his mind at once He lifted her into the coach told her not to be frightened pressed his lips to hers once more and then advising her to draw up the window to keep the cold air out mounted to the box Stay love cried the young lady Whats the matter said my uncle from the coachbox I want to speak to you said the young lady only a word Only one word dearest Must I get down inquired my uncle The lady made no answer but she smiled again Such a smile gentlemen It beat the other one all to nothing My uncle descended from his perch in a twinkling What is it my dear said my uncle looking in at the coach window The lady happened to bend forward at the same time and my uncle thought she looked more beautiful than she had done yet He was very close to her just then gentlemen so he really ought to know What is it my dear said my uncle Will you never love any one but menever marry any one beside said the young lady My uncle swore a great oath that he never would marry anybody else and the young lady drew in her head and pulled up the window He jumped upon the box squared his elbows adjusted the ribands seized the whip which lay on the roof gave one flick to the off leader and away went the four longtailed flowingmaned black horses at fifteen good English miles an hour with the old mailcoach behind them Whew How they tore along The noise behind grew louder The faster the old mail went the faster came the pursuersmen horses dogs were leagued in the pursuit The noise was frightful but above all rose the voice of the young lady urging my uncle on and shrieking Faster Faster They whirled past the dark trees as feathers would be swept before a hurricane Houses gates churches haystacks objects of every kind they shot by with a velocity and noise like roaring waters suddenly let loose But still the noise of pursuit grew louder and still my uncle could hear the young lady wildly screaming Faster Faster My uncle plied whip and rein and the horses flew onward till they were white with foam and yet the noise behind increased and yet the young lady cried Faster Faster My uncle gave a loud stamp on the boot in the energy of the moment andfound that it was gray morning and he was sitting in the wheelwrights yard on the box of an old Edinburgh mail shivering with the cold and wet and stamping his feet to warm them He got down and looked eagerly inside for the beautiful young lady Alas There was neither door nor seat to the coach It was a mere shell Of course my uncle knew very well that there was some mystery in the matter and that everything had passed exactly as he used to relate it He remained staunch to the great oath he had sworn to the beautiful young lady refusing several eligible landladies on her account and dying a bachelor at last He always said what a curious thing it was that he should have found out by such a mere accident as his clambering over the palings that the ghosts of mailcoaches and horses guards coachmen and passengers were in the habit of making journeys regularly every night He used to add that he believed he was the only living person who had ever been taken as a passenger on one of these excursions And I think he was right gentlemenat least I never heard of any other I wonder what these ghosts of mailcoaches carry in their bags said the landlord who had listened to the whole story with profound attention The dead letters of course said the bagman Oh ah To be sure rejoined the landlord I never thought of that CHAPTER L HOW MR PICKWICK SPED UPON HIS MISSION AND HOW HE WAS REINFORCED IN THE OUTSET BY A MOST UNEXPECTED AUXILIARY The horses were put to punctually at a quarter before nine next morning and Mr Pickwick and Sam Weller having each taken his seat the one inside and the other out the postillion was duly directed to repair in the first instance to Mr Bob Sawyers house for the purpose of taking up Mr Benjamin Allen It was with feelings of no small astonishment when the carriage drew up before the door with the red lamp and the very legible inscription of Sawyer late Nockemorf that Mr Pickwick saw on popping his head out of the coach window the boy in the gray livery very busily employed in putting up the shuttersthe which being an unusual and an unbusinesslike proceeding at that hour of the morning at once suggested to his mind two inferences the one that some good friend and patient of Mr Bob Sawyers was dead the other that Mr Bob Sawyer himself was bankrupt What is the matter said Mr Pickwick to the boy Nothings the matter Sir replied the boy expanding his mouth to the whole breadth of his countenance All right all right cried Bob Sawyer suddenly appearing at the door with a small leathern knapsack limp and dirty in one hand and a rough coat and shawl thrown over the other arm Im going old fellow You exclaimed Mr Pickwick Yes replied Bob Sawyer and a regular expedition well make of it Here Sam Look out Thus briefly bespeaking Mr Wellers attention Mr Bob Sawyer jerked the leathern knapsack into the dickey where it was immediately stowed away under the seat by Sam who regarded the proceeding with great admiration This done Mr Bob Sawyer with the assistance of the boy forcibly worked himself into the rough coat which was a few sizes too small for him and then advancing to the coach window thrust in his head and laughed boisterously What a start it is isnt it cried Bob wiping the tears out of his eyes with one of the cuffs of the rough coat My dear Sir said Mr Pickwick with some embarrassment I had no idea of your accompanying us No thats just the very thing replied Bob seizing Mr Pickwick by the lappel of his coat Thats the joke Oh thats the joke is it said Mr Pickwick Of course replied Bob Its the whole point of the thing you know that and leaving the business to take care of itself as it seems to have made up its mind not to take care of me With this explanation of the phenomenon of the shutters Mr Bob Sawyer pointed to the shop and relapsed into an ecstasy of mirth Bless me you are surely not mad enough to think of leaving your patients without anybody to attend them remonstrated Mr Pickwick in a very serious tone Why not asked Bob in reply I shall save by it you know None of them ever pay Besides said Bob lowering his voice to a confidential whisper they will be all the better for it for being nearly out of drugs and not able to increase my account just now I should have been obliged to give them calomel all round and it would have been certain to have disagreed with some of them So its all for the best There was a philosophy and a strength of reasoning about this reply which Mr Pickwick was not prepared for He paused a few moments and added less firmly than before But this chaise my young friend will only hold two and I am pledged to Mr Allen Dont think of me for a minute replied Bob Ive arranged it all Sam and I will share the dickey between us Look here This little bill is to be wafered on the shop door Sawyer late Nockemorf Inquire of Mrs Cripps over the way Mrs Cripps is my boys mother Mr Sawyers very sorry says Mrs Cripps couldnt help itfetched away early this morning to a consultation of the very first surgeons in the countrycouldnt do without himwould have him at any price tremendous operation The fact is said Bob in conclusion itll do me more good than otherwise I expect If it gets into one of the local papers it will be the making of me Heres Ben now then jump in With these hurried words Mr Bob Sawyer pushed the postboy on one side jerked his friend into the vehicle slammed the door put up the steps wafered the bill on the street door locked it put the key in his pocket jumped into the dickey gave the word for starting and did the whole with such extraordinary precipitation that before Mr Pickwick had well begun to consider whether Mr Bob Sawyer ought to go or not they were rolling away with Mr Bob Sawyer thoroughly established as part and parcel of the equipage So long as their progress was confined to the streets of Bristol the facetious Bob kept his professional green spectacles on and conducted himself with becoming steadiness and gravity of demeanour merely giving utterance to divers verbal witticisms for the exclusive behoof and entertainment of Mr Samuel Weller But when they emerged on the open road he threw off his green spectacles and his gravity together and performed a great variety of practical jokes which were calculated to attract the attention of the passersby and to render the carriage and those it contained objects of more than ordinary curiosity the least conspicuous among these feats being a most vociferous imitation of a keybugle and the ostentatious display of a crimson silk pocket handkerchief attached to a walkingstick which was occasionally waved in the air with various gestures indicative of supremacy and defiance I wonder said Mr Pickwick stopping in the midst of a most sedate conversation with Ben Allen bearing reference to the numerous good qualities of Mr Winkle and his sisterI wonder what all the people we pass can see in us to make them stare so Its a neat turnout replied Ben Allen with something of pride in his tone Theyre not used to see this sort of thing every day I dare say Possibly replied Mr Pickwick It may be so Perhaps it is Mr Pickwick might very probably have reasoned himself into the belief that it really was had he not just then happening to look out of the coach window observed that the looks of the passengers betokened anything but respectful astonishment and that various telegraphic communications appeared to be passing between them and some persons outside the vehicle whereupon it occurred to him that these demonstrations might be in some remote degree referable to the humorous deportment of Mr Robert Sawyer I hope said Mr Pickwick that our volatile friend is committing no absurdities in that dickey behind Oh dear no replied Ben Allen Except when hes elevated Bobs the quietest creature breathing Here a prolonged imitation of a keybugle broke upon the ear succeeded by cheers and screams all of which evidently proceeded from the throat and lungs of the quietest creature breathing or in plainer designation of Mr Bob Sawyer himself Mr Pickwick and Mr Ben Allen looked expressively at each other and the former gentleman taking off his hat and leaning out of the coach window until nearly the whole of his waistcoat was outside it was at length enabled to catch a glimpse of his facetious friend Mr Bob Sawyer was seated not in the dickey but on the roof of the chaise with his legs as far asunder as they would conveniently go wearing Mr Samuel Wellers hat on one side of his head and bearing in one hand a most enormous sandwich while in the other he supported a goodlysized casebottle to both of which he applied himself with intense relish varying the monotony of the occupation by an occasional howl or the interchange of some lively badinage with any passing stranger The crimson flag was carefully tied in an erect position to the rail of the dickey and Mr Samuel Weller decorated with Bob Sawyers hat was seated in the centre thereof discussing a twin sandwich with an animated countenance the expression of which betokened his entire and perfect approval of the whole arrangement This was enough to irritate a gentleman with Mr Pickwicks sense of propriety but it was not the whole extent of the aggravation for a stagecoach full inside and out was meeting them at the moment and the astonishment of the passengers was very palpably evinced The congratulations of an Irish family too who were keeping up with the chaise and begging all the time were of rather a boisterous description especially those of its male head who appeared to consider the display as part and parcel of some political or other procession of triumph Mr Sawyer cried Mr Pickwick in a state of great excitement Mr Sawyer Sir Hollo responded that gentleman looking over the side of the chaise with all the coolness in life Are you mad sir demanded Mr Pickwick Not a bit of it replied Bob only cheerful Cheerful sir ejaculated Mr Pickwick Take down that scandalous red handkerchief I beg I insist Sir Sam take it down Before Sam could interpose Mr Bob Sawyer gracefully struck his colours and having put them in his pocket nodded in a courteous manner to Mr Pickwick wiped the mouth of the casebottle and applied it to his own thereby informing him without any unnecessary waste of words that he devoted that draught to wishing him all manner of happiness and prosperity Having done this Bob replaced the cork with great care and looking benignantly down on Mr Pickwick took a large bite out of the sandwich and smiled Come said Mr Pickwick whose momentary anger was not quite proof against Bobs immovable selfpossession pray let us have no more of this absurdity No no replied Bob once more exchanging hats with Mr Weller I didnt mean to do it only I got so enlivened with the ride that I couldnt help it Think of the look of the thing expostulated Mr Pickwick have some regard to appearances Oh certainly said Bob its not the sort of thing at all All over governor Satisfied with this assurance Mr Pickwick once more drew his head into the chaise and pulled up the glass but he had scarcely resumed the conversation which Mr Bob Sawyer had interrupted when he was somewhat startled by the apparition of a small dark body of an oblong form on the outside of the window which gave sundry taps against it as if impatient of admission Whats thisexclaimed Mr Pickwick It looks like a casebottle remarked Ben Allen eyeing the object in question through his spectacles with some interest I rather think it belongs to Bob The impression was perfectly accurate for Mr Bob Sawyer having attached the casebottle to the end of the walkingstick was battering the window with it in token of his wish that his friends inside would partake of its contents in all goodfellowship and harmony Whats to be done said Mr Pickwick looking at the bottle This proceeding is more absurd than the other I think it would be best to take it in replied Mr Ben Allen it would serve him right to take it in and keep it wouldnt it It would said Mr Pickwick shall I I think it the most proper course we could possibly adopt replied Ben This advice quite coinciding with his own opinion Mr Pickwick gently let down the window and disengaged the bottle from the stick upon which the latter was drawn up and Mr Bob Sawyer was heard to laugh heartily What a merry dog it is said Mr Pickwick looking round at his companion with the bottle in his hand He is said Mr Allen You cannot possibly be angry with him remarked Mr Pickwick Quite out of the question observed Benjamin Allen During this short interchange of sentiments Mr Pickwick had in an abstracted mood uncorked the bottle What is it inquired Ben Allen carelessly I dont know replied Mr Pickwick with equal carelessness It smells I think like milkpunch Oh indeed said Ben I think so rejoined Mr Pickwick very properly guarding himself against the possibility of stating an untruth mind I could not undertake to say certainly without tasting it You had better do so said Ben we may as well know what it is Do you think so replied Mr Pickwick Well if you are curious to know of course I have no objection Ever willing to sacrifice his own feelings to the wishes of his friend Mr Pickwick at once took a pretty long taste What is it inquired Ben Allen interrupting him with some impatience Curious said Mr Pickwick smacking his lips I hardly know now Oh yes said Mr Pickwick after a second taste It is punch Mr Ben Allen looked at Mr Pickwick Mr Pickwick looked at Mr Ben Allen Mr Ben Allen smiled Mr Pickwick did not It would serve him right said the lastnamed gentleman with some severityit would serve him right to drink it every drop The very thing that occurred to me said Ben Allen Is it indeed rejoined Mr Pickwick Then heres his health With these words that excellent person took a most energetic pull at the bottle and handed it to Ben Allen who was not slow to imitate his example The smiles became mutual and the milkpunch was gradually and cheerfully disposed of After all said Mr Pickwick as he drained the last drop his pranks are really very amusing very entertaining indeed You may say that rejoined Mr Ben Allen In proof of Bob Sawyers being one of the funniest fellows alive he proceeded to entertain Mr Pickwick with a long and circumstantial account how that gentleman once drank himself into a fever and got his head shaved the relation of which pleasant and agreeable history was only stopped by the stoppage of the chaise at the Bell at Berkeley Heath to change horses I say Were going to dine here arent we said Bob looking in at the window Dine said Mr Pickwick Why we have only come nineteen miles and have eightyseven and a half to go Just the reason why we should take something to enable us to bear up against the fatigue remonstrated Mr Bob Sawyer Oh its quite impossible to dine at halfpast eleven oclock in the day replied Mr Pickwick looking at his watch So it is rejoined Bob lunch is the very thing Hollo you sir Lunch for three directly and keep the horses back for a quarter of an hour Tell them to put everything they have cold on the table and some bottled ale and let us taste your very best Madeira Issuing these orders with monstrous importance and bustle Mr Bob Sawyer at once hurried into the house to superintend the arrangements in less than five minutes he returned and declared them to be excellent The quality of the lunch fully justified the eulogium which Bob had pronounced and very great justice was done to it not only by that gentleman but Mr Ben Allen and Mr Pickwick also Under the auspices of the three the bottled ale and the Madeira were promptly disposed of and when the horses being once more put to they resumed their seats with the casebottle full of the best substitute for milkpunch that could be procured on so short a notice the keybugle sounded and the red flag waved without the slightest opposition on Mr Pickwicks part At the Hop Pole at Tewkesbury they stopped to dine upon which occasion there was more bottled ale with some more Madeira and some port besides and here the casebottle was replenished for the fourth time Under the influence of these combined stimulants Mr Pickwick and Mr Ben Allen fell fast asleep for thirty miles while Bob and Mr Weller sang duets in the dickey It was quite dark when Mr Pickwick roused himself sufficiently to look out of the window The straggling cottages by the roadside the dingy hue of every object visible the murky atmosphere the paths of cinders and brickdust the deepred glow of furnace fires in the distance the volumes of dense smoke issuing heavily forth from high toppling chimneys blackening and obscuring everything around the glare of distant lights the ponderous wagons which toiled along the road laden with clashing rods of iron or piled with heavy goodsall betokened their rapid approach to the great working town of Birmingham As they rattled through the narrow thoroughfares leading to the heart of the turmoil the sights and sounds of earnest occupation struck more forcibly on the senses The streets were thronged with working people The hum of labour resounded from every house lights gleamed from the long casement windows in the attic storeys and the whirl of wheels and noise of machinery shook the trembling walls The fires whose lurid sullen light had been visible for miles blazed fiercely up in the great works and factories of the town The din of hammers the rushing of steam and the dead heavy clanking of engines was the harsh music which arose from every quarter The postboy was driving briskly through the open streets and past the handsome and welllighted shops that intervene between the outskirts of the town and the Old Royal Hotel before Mr Pickwick had begun to consider the very difficult and delicate nature of the commission which had carried him thither The delicate nature of this commission and the difficulty of executing it in a satisfactory manner were by no means lessened by the voluntary companionship of Mr Bob Sawyer Truth to tell Mr Pickwick felt that his presence on the occasion however considerate and gratifying was by no means an honour he would willingly have sought in fact he would cheerfully have given a reasonable sum of money to have had Mr Bob Sawyer removed to any place at not less than fifty miles distance without delay Mr Pickwick had never held any personal communication with Mr Winkle senior although he had once or twice corresponded with him by letter and returned satisfactory answers to his inquiries concerning the moral character and behaviour of his son he felt nervously sensible that to wait upon him for the first time attended by Bob Sawyer and Ben Allen both slightly fuddled was not the most ingenious and likely means that could have been hit upon to prepossess him in his favour However said Mr Pickwick endeavouring to reassure himself I must do the best I can I must see him tonight for I faithfully promised to do so If they persist in accompanying me I must make the interview as brief as possible and be content that for their own sakes they will not expose themselves As he comforted himself with these reflections the chaise stopped at the door of the Old Royal Ben Allen having been partially awakened from a stupendous sleep and dragged out by the collar by Mr Samuel Weller Mr Pickwick was enabled to alight They were shown to a comfortable apartment and Mr Pickwick at once propounded a question to the waiter concerning the whereabout of Mr Winkles residence Close by Sir said the waiter not above five hundred yards Sir Mr Winkle is a wharfinger Sir at the canal sir Private residence is notoh dear no sir not five hundred yards sir Here the waiter blew a candle out and made a feint of lighting it again in order to afford Mr Pickwick an opportunity of asking any further questions if he felt so disposed Take anything now Sir said the waiter lighting the candle in desperation at Mr Pickwicks silence Tea or coffee Sir Dinner sir Nothing now Very good sir Like to order supper Sir Not just now Very good Sir Here he walked slowly to the door and then stopping short turned round and said with great suavity Shall I send the chambermaid gentlemen You may if you please replied Mr Pickwick If you please sir And bring some sodawater said Bob Sawyer Sodawater Sir Yes Sir With his mind apparently relieved from an overwhelming weight by having at last got an order for something the waiter imperceptibly melted away Waiters never walk or run They have a peculiar and mysterious power of skimming out of rooms which other mortals possess not Some slight symptoms of vitality having been awakened in Mr Ben Allen by the sodawater he suffered himself to be prevailed upon to wash his face and hands and to submit to be brushed by Sam Mr Pickwick and Bob Sawyer having also repaired the disorder which the journey had made in their apparel the three started forth arm in arm to Mr Winkles Bob Sawyer impregnating the atmosphere with tobacco smoke as he walked along About a quarter of a mile off in a quiet substantiallooking street stood an old red brick house with three steps before the door and a brass plate upon it bearing in fat Roman capitals the words Mr Winkle The steps were very white and the bricks were very red and the house was very clean and here stood Mr Pickwick Mr Benjamin Allen and Mr Bob Sawyer as the clock struck ten A smart servantgirl answered the knock and started on beholding the three strangers Is Mr Winkle at home my dear inquired Mr Pickwick He is just going to supper Sir replied the girl Give him that card if you please rejoined Mr Pickwick Say I am sorry to trouble him at so late an hour but I am anxious to see him to night and have only just arrived The girl looked timidly at Mr Bob Sawyer who was expressing his admiration of her personal charms by a variety of wonderful grimaces and casting an eye at the hats and greatcoats which hung in the passage called another girl to mind the door while she went upstairs The sentinel was speedily relieved for the girl returned immediately and begging pardon of the gentlemen for leaving them in the street ushered them into a floorclothed back parlour half office and half dressing room in which the principal useful and ornamental articles of furniture were a desk a washhand stand and shavingglass a bootrack and boot jack a high stool four chairs a table and an old eightday clock Over the mantelpiece were the sunken doors of an iron safe while a couple of hanging shelves for books an almanac and several files of dusty papers decorated the walls Very sorry to leave you standing at the door Sir said the girl lighting a lamp and addressing Mr Pickwick with a winning smile but you was quite strangers to me and we have such a many trampers that only come to see what they can lay their hands on that really There is not the least occasion for any apology my dear said Mr Pickwick goodhumouredly Not the slightest my love said Bob Sawyer playfully stretching forth his arms and skipping from side to side as if to prevent the young ladys leaving the room The young lady was not at all softened by these allurements for she at once expressed her opinion that Mr Bob Sawyer was an odous creetur and on his becoming rather more pressing in his attentions imprinted her fair fingers upon his face and bounced out of the room with many expressions of aversion and contempt Deprived of the young ladys society Mr Bob Sawyer proceeded to divert himself by peeping into the desk looking into all the table drawers feigning to pick the lock of the iron safe turning the almanac with its face to the wall trying on the boots of Mr Winkle senior over his own and making several other humorous experiments upon the furniture all of which afforded Mr Pickwick unspeakable horror and agony and yielded Mr Bob Sawyer proportionate delight At length the door opened and a little old gentleman in a snuff coloured suit with a head and face the precise counterpart of those belonging to Mr Winkle junior excepting that he was rather bald trotted into the room with Mr Pickwicks card in one hand and a silver candlestick in the other Mr Pickwick sir how do you do said Winkle the elder putting down the candlestick and proffering his hand Hope I see you well sir Glad to see you Be seated Mr Pickwick I beg Sir This gentleman is My friend Mr Sawyer interposed Mr Pickwick your sons friend Oh said Mr Winkle the elder looking rather grimly at Bob I hope you are well sir Right as a trivet sir replied Bob Sawyer This other gentleman cried Mr Pickwick is as you will see when you have read the letter with which I am intrusted a very near relative or I should rather say a very particular friend of your sons His name is Allen That gentleman inquired Mr Winkle pointing with the card towards Ben Allen who had fallen asleep in an attitude which left nothing of him visible but his spine and his coat collar Mr Pickwick was on the point of replying to the question and reciting Mr Benjamin Allens name and honourable distinctions at full length when the sprightly Mr Bob Sawyer with a view of rousing his friend to a sense of his situation inflicted a startling pinch upon the fleshly part of his arm which caused him to jump up with a shriek Suddenly aware that he was in the presence of a stranger Mr Ben Allen advanced and shaking Mr Winkle most affectionately by both hands for about five minutes murmured in some halfintelligible fragments of sentences the great delight he felt in seeing him and a hospitable inquiry whether he felt disposed to take anything after his walk or would prefer waiting till dinnertime which done he sat down and gazed about him with a petrified stare as if he had not the remotest idea where he was which indeed he had not All this was most embarrassing to Mr Pickwick the more especially as Mr Winkle senior evinced palpable astonishment at the eccentricnot to say extraordinarybehaviour of his two companions To bring the matter to an issue at once he drew a letter from his pocket and presenting it to Mr Winkle senior said This letter Sir is from your son You will see by its contents that on your favourable and fatherly consideration of it depend his future happiness and welfare Will you oblige me by giving it the calmest and coolest perusal and by discussing the subject afterwards with me in the tone and spirit in which alone it ought to be discussed You may judge of the importance of your decision to your son and his intense anxiety upon the subject by my waiting upon you without any previous warning at so late an hour and added Mr Pickwick glancing slightly at his two companionsand under such unfavourable circumstances With this prelude Mr Pickwick placed four closelywritten sides of extra superfine wirewove penitence in the hands of the astounded Mr Winkle senior Then reseating himself in his chair he watched his looks and manner anxiously it is true but with the open front of a gentleman who feels he has taken no part which he need excuse or palliate The old wharfinger turned the letter over looked at the front back and sides made a microscopic examination of the fat little boy on the seal raised his eyes to Mr Pickwicks face and then seating himself on the high stool and drawing the lamp closer to him broke the wax unfolded the epistle and lifting it to the light prepared to read Just at this moment Mr Bob Sawyer whose wit had lain dormant for some minutes placed his hands on his knees and made a face after the portraits of the late Mr Grimaldi as clown It so happened that Mr Winkle senior instead of being deeply engaged in reading the letter as Mr Bob Sawyer thought chanced to be looking over the top of it at no less a person than Mr Bob Sawyer himself rightly conjecturing that the face aforesaid was made in ridicule and derision of his own person he fixed his eyes on Bob with such expressive sternness that the late Mr Grimaldis lineaments gradually resolved themselves into a very fine expression of humility and confusion Did you speak Sir inquired Mr Winkle senior after an awful silence No sir replied Bob With no remains of the clown about him save and except the extreme redness of his cheeks You are sure you did not sir said Mr Winkle senior Oh dear yes sir quite replied Bob I thought you did Sir replied the old gentleman with indignant emphasis Perhaps you looked at me sir Oh no sir not at all replied Bob with extreme civility I am very glad to hear it sir said Mr Winkle senior Having frowned upon the abashed Bob with great magnificence the old gentleman again brought the letter to the light and began to read it seriously Mr Pickwick eyed him intently as he turned from the bottom line of the first page to the top line of the second and from the bottom of the second to the top of the third and from the bottom of the third to the top of the fourth but not the slightest alteration of countenance afforded a clue to the feelings with which he received the announcement of his sons marriage which Mr Pickwick knew was in the very first halfdozen lines He read the letter to the last word folded it again with all the carefulness and precision of a man of business and just when Mr Pickwick expected some great outbreak of feeling dipped a pen in the inkstand and said as quietly as if he were speaking on the most ordinary countinghouse topic What is Nathaniels address Mr Pickwick The George and Vulture at present replied that gentleman George and Vulture Where is that George Yard Lombard Street In the city Yes The old gentleman methodically indorsed the address on the back of the letter and then placing it in the desk which he locked said as he got off the stool and put the bunch of keys in his pocket I suppose there is nothing else which need detain us Mr Pickwick Nothing else my dear Sir observed that warmhearted person in indignant amazement Nothing else Have you no opinion to express on this momentous event in our young friends life No assurance to convey to him through me of the continuance of your affection and protection Nothing to say which will cheer and sustain him and the anxious girl who looks to him for comfort and support My dear Sir consider I will consider replied the old gentleman I have nothing to say just now I am a man of business Mr Pickwick I never commit myself hastily in any affair and from what I see of this I by no means like the appearance of it A thousand pounds is not much Mr Pickwick Youre very right Sir interposed Ben Allen just awake enough to know that he had spent his thousand pounds without the smallest difficulty Youre an intelligent man Bob hes a very knowing fellow this I am very happy to find that you do me the justice to make the admission sir said Mr Winkle senior looking contemptuously at Ben Allen who was shaking his head profoundly The fact is Mr Pickwick that when I gave my son a roving license for a year or so to see something of men and manners which he has done under your auspices so that he might not enter life a mere boardingschool milksop to be gulled by everybody I never bargained for this He knows that very well so if I withdraw my countenance from him on this account he has no call to be surprised He shall hear from me Mr Pickwick Good night sirMargaret open the door All this time Bob Sawyer had been nudging Mr Ben Allen to say something on the right side Ben accordingly now burst without the slightest preliminary notice into a brief but impassioned piece of eloquence Sir said Mr Ben Allen staring at the old gentleman out of a pair of very dim and languid eyes and working his right arm vehemently up and down youyou ought to be ashamed of yourself As the ladys brother of course you are an excellent judge of the question retorted Mr Winkle senior There thats enough Pray say no more Mr Pickwick Goodnight gentlemen With these words the old gentleman took up the candlestick and opening the room door politely motioned towards the passage You will regret this Sir said Mr Pickwick setting his teeth close together to keep down his choler for he felt how important the effect might prove to his young friend I am at present of a different opinion calmly replied Mr Winkle senior Once again gentlemen I wish you a goodnight Mr Pickwick walked with angry strides into the street Mr Bob Sawyer completely quelled by the decision of the old gentlemans manner took the same course Mr Ben Allens hat rolled down the steps immediately afterwards and Mr Ben Allens body followed it directly The whole party went silent and supperless to bed and Mr Pickwick thought just before he fell asleep that if he had known Mr Winkle senior had been quite so much of a man of business it was extremely probable he might never have waited upon him on such an errand CHAPTER LI IN WHICH MR PICKWICK ENCOUNTERS AN OLD ACQUAINTANCETO WHICH FORTUNATE CIRCUMSTANCE THE READER IS MAINLY INDEBTED FOR MATTER OF THRILLING INTEREST HEREIN SET DOWN CONCERNING TWO GREAT PUBLIC MEN OF MIGHT AND POWER The morning which broke upon Mr Pickwicks sight at eight oclock was not at all calculated to elevate his spirits or to lessen the depression which the unlookedfor result of his embassy inspired The sky was dark and gloomy the air was damp and raw the streets were wet and sloppy The smoke hung sluggishly above the chimneytops as if it lacked the courage to rise and the rain came slowly and doggedly down as if it had not even the spirit to pour A gamecock in the stableyard deprived of every spark of his accustomed animation balanced himself dismally on one leg in a corner a donkey moping with drooping head under the narrow roof of an outhouse appeared from his meditative and miserable countenance to be contemplating suicide In the street umbrellas were the only things to be seen and the clicking of pattens and splashing of raindrops were the only sounds to be heard The breakfast was interrupted by very little conversation even Mr Bob Sawyer felt the influence of the weather and the previous days excitement In his own expressive language he was floored So was Mr Ben Allen So was Mr Pickwick In protracted expectation of the weather clearing up the last evening paper from London was read and reread with an intensity of interest only known in cases of extreme destitution every inch of the carpet was walked over with similar perseverance the windows were looked out of often enough to justify the imposition of an additional duty upon them all kinds of topics of conversation were started and failed and at length Mr Pickwick when noon had arrived without a change for the better rang the bell resolutely and ordered out the chaise Although the roads were miry and the drizzling rain came down harder than it had done yet and although the mud and wet splashed in at the open windows of the carriage to such an extent that the discomfort was almost as great to the pair of insides as to the pair of outsides still there was something in the motion and the sense of being up and doing which was so infinitely superior to being pent in a dull room looking at the dull rain dripping into a dull street that they all agreed on starting that the change was a great improvement and wondered how they could possibly have delayed making it as long as they had done When they stopped to change at Coventry the steam ascended from the horses in such clouds as wholly to obscure the hostler whose voice was however heard to declare from the mist that he expected the first gold medal from the Humane Society on their next distribution of rewards for taking the postboys hat off the water descending from the brim of which the invisible gentleman declared must have drowned him the postboy but for his great presence of mind in tearing it promptly from his head and drying the gasping mans countenance with a wisp of straw This is pleasant said Bob Sawyer turning up his coat collar and pulling the shawl over his mouth to concentrate the fumes of a glass of brandy just swallowed Wery replied Sam composedly You dont seem to mind it observed Bob Vy I dont exactly see no good my mindin on it ud do sir replied Sam Thats an unanswerable reason anyhow said Bob Yes sir rejoined Mr Weller Wotever is is right as the young nobleman sweetly remarked wen they put him down in the pension list cos his mothers uncles vifes grandfather vunce lit the kings pipe vith a portable tinderbox Not a bad notion that Sam said Mr Bob Sawyer approvingly Just wot the young nobleman said evry quarterday arterwards for the rest of his life replied Mr Weller Wos you ever called in inquired Sam glancing at the driver after a short silence and lowering his voice to a mysterious whisperwos you ever called in when you wos prentice to a sawbones to wisit a postboy I dont remember that I ever was replied Bob Sawyer You never see a postboy in that ere hospital as you walked as they says o the ghosts did you demanded Sam No replied Bob Sawyer I dont think I ever did Never knowd a churchyard were there wos a postboys tombstone or see a dead postboy did you inquired Sam pursuing his catechism No rejoined Bob I never did No rejoined Sam triumphantly Nor never vill and theres another thing that no man never see and thats a dead donkey No man never see a dead donkey cept the genlmn in the black silk smalls as knowd the young ooman as kep a goat and that wos a French donkey so wery likely he warnt wun o the reglar breed Well what has that got to do with the postboys asked Bob Sawyer This here replied Sam Without goin so far as to assert as some wery sensible people do that postboys and donkeys is both immortal wot I say is this that wenever they feels theirselves gettin stiff and past their work they just rides off together wun postboy to a pair in the usual way wot becomes on em nobody knows but its wery probable as they starts avay to take their pleasure in some other vorld for there aint a man alive as ever see either a donkey or a postboy a takin his pleasure in this Expatiating upon this learned and remarkable theory and citing many curious statistical and other facts in its support Sam Weller beguiled the time until they reached Dunchurch where a dry postboy and fresh horses were procured the next stage was Daventry and the next Towcester and at the end of each stage it rained harder than it had done at the beginning I say remonstrated Bob Sawyer looking in at the coach window as they pulled up before the door of the Saracens Head Towcester this wont do you know Bless me said Mr Pickwick just awakening from a nap Im afraid youre wet Oh you are are you returned Bob Yes I am a little that way Uncomfortably damp perhaps Bob did look dampish inasmuch as the rain was streaming from his neck elbows cuffs skirts and knees and his whole apparel shone so with the wet that it might have been mistaken for a full suit of prepared oilskin I am rather wet said Bob giving himself a shake and casting a little hydraulic shower around like a Newfoundland dog just emerged from the water I think its quite impossible to go on tonight interposed Ben Out of the question sir remarked Sam Weller coming to assist in the conference its a cruelty to animals sir to ask em to do it Theres beds here sir said Sam addressing his master everything clean and comfortable Wery good little dinner sir they can get ready in half an hourpair of fowls sir and a weal cutlet French beans taturs tart and tidiness Youd better stop vere you are sir if I might recommend Take adwice sir as the doctor said The host of the Saracens Head opportunely appeared at this moment to confirm Mr Wellers statement relative to the accommodations of the establishment and to back his entreaties with a variety of dismal conjectures regarding the state of the roads the doubt of fresh horses being to be had at the next stage the dead certainty of its raining all night the equally mortal certainty of its clearing up in the morning and other topics of inducement familiar to innkeepers Well said Mr Pickwick but I must send a letter to London by some conveyance so that it may be delivered the very first thing in the morning or I must go forwards at all hazards The landlord smiled his delight Nothing could be easier than for the gentleman to inclose a letter in a sheet of brown paper and send it on either by the mail or the night coach from Birmingham If the gentleman were particularly anxious to have it left as soon as possible he might write outside To be delivered immediately which was sure to be attended to or Pay the bearer halfacrown extra for instant delivery which was surer still Very well said Mr Pickwick then we will stop here Lights in the Sun John make up the fire the gentlemen are wet cried the landlord This way gentlemen dont trouble yourselves about the postboy now sir Ill send him to you when you ring for him sir Now John the candles The candles were brought the fire was stirred up and a fresh log of wood thrown on In ten minutes time a waiter was laying the cloth for dinner the curtains were drawn the fire was blazing brightly and everything looked as everything always does in all decent English inns as if the travellers had been expected and their comforts prepared for days beforehand Mr Pickwick sat down at a side table and hastily indited a note to Mr Winkle merely informing him that he was detained by stress of weather but would certainly be in London next day until when he deferred any account of his proceedings This note was hastily made into a parcel and despatched to the bar per Mr Samuel Weller Sam left it with the landlady and was returning to pull his masters boots off after drying himself by the kitchen fire when glancing casually through a halfopened door he was arrested by the sight of a gentleman with a sandy head who had a large bundle of newspapers lying on the table before him and was perusing the leading article of one with a settled sneer which curled up his nose and all other features into a majestic expression of haughty contempt Hollo said Sam I ought to know that ere head and them features the eyeglass too and the broadbrimmed tile Eatansvill to vit or Im a Roman Sam was taken with a troublesome cough at once for the purpose of attracting the gentlemans attention the gentleman starting at the sound raised his head and his eyeglass and disclosed to view the profound and thoughtful features of Mr Pott of the Eatanswill Gazette Beggin your pardon sir said Sam advancing with a bow my masters here Mr Pott Hush hush cried Pott drawing Sam into the room and closing the door with a countenance of mysterious dread and apprehension Wots the matter Sir inquired Sam looking vacantly about him Not a whisper of my name replied Pott this is a buff neighbourhood If the excited and irritable populace knew I was here I should be torn to pieces No Vould you sir inquired Sam I should be the victim of their fury replied Pott Now young man what of your master Hes astopping here tonight on his vay to town with a couple of friends replied Sam Is Mr Winkle one of them inquired Pott with a slight frown No Sir Mr Vinkle stops at home now rejoined Sam Hes married Married exclaimed Pott with frightful vehemence He stopped smiled darkly and added in a low vindictive tone It serves him right Having given vent to this cruel ebullition of deadly malice and cold blooded triumph over a fallen enemy Mr Pott inquired whether Mr Pickwicks friends were blue Receiving a most satisfactory answer in the affirmative from Sam who knew as much about the matter as Pott himself he consented to accompany him to Mr Pickwicks room where a hearty welcome awaited him and an agreement to club their dinners together was at once made and ratified And how are matters going on in Eatanswill inquired Mr Pickwick when Pott had taken a seat near the fire and the whole party had got their wet boots off and dry slippers on Is the Independent still in being The Independent sir replied Pott is still dragging on a wretched and lingering career Abhorred and despised by even the few who are cognisant of its miserable and disgraceful existence stifled by the very filth it so profusely scatters rendered deaf and blind by the exhalations of its own slime the obscene journal happily unconscious of its degraded state is rapidly sinking beneath that treacherous mud which while it seems to give it a firm standing with the low and debased classes of society is nevertheless rising above its detested head and will speedily engulf it for ever Having delivered this manifesto which formed a portion of his last weeks leader with vehement articulation the editor paused to take breath and looked majestically at Bob Sawyer You are a young man sir said Pott Mr Bob Sawyer nodded So are you sir said Pott addressing Mr Ben Allen Ben admitted the soft impeachment And are both deeply imbued with those blue principles which so long as I live I have pledged myself to the people of these kingdoms to support and to maintain suggested Pott Why I dont exactly know about that replied Bob Sawyer I am Not buff Mr Pickwick interrupted Pott drawing back his chair your friend is not buff sir No no rejoined Bob Im a kind of plaid at present a compound of all sorts of colours A waverer said Pott solemnly a waverer I should like to show you a series of eight articles Sir that have appeared in the Eatanswill Gazette I think I may venture to say that you would not be long in establishing your opinions on a firm and solid blue basis sir I dare say I should turn very blue long before I got to the end of them responded Bob Mr Pott looked dubiously at Bob Sawyer for some seconds and turning to Mr Pickwick said You have seen the literary articles which have appeared at intervals in the Eatanswill Gazette in the course of the last three months and which have excited such generalI may say such universalattention and admiration Why replied Mr Pickwick slightly embarrassed by the question the fact is I have been so much engaged in other ways that I really have not had an opportunity of perusing them You should do so Sir said Pott with a severe countenance I will said Mr Pickwick They appeared in the form of a copious review of a work on Chinese metaphysics Sir said Pott Oh observed Mr Pickwick from your pen I hope From the pen of my critic Sir rejoined Pott with dignity An abstruse subject I should conceive said Mr Pickwick Very Sir responded Pott looking intensely sage He crammed for it to use a technical but expressive term he read up for the subject at my desire in the Encyclopaedia Britannica Indeed said Mr Pickwick I was not aware that that valuable work contained any information respecting Chinese metaphysics He read Sir rejoined Pott laying his hand on Mr Pickwicks knee and looking round with a smile of intellectual superiorityhe read for metaphysics under the letter M and for China under the letter C and combined his information Sir Mr Potts features assumed so much additional grandeur at the recollection of the power and research displayed in the learned effusions in question that some minutes elapsed before Mr Pickwick felt emboldened to renew the conversation at length as the editors countenance gradually relaxed into its customary expression of moral supremacy he ventured to resume the discourse by asking Is it fair to inquire what great object has brought you so far from home That object which actuates and animates me in all my gigantic labours Sir replied Pott with a calm smile my countrys good I supposed it was some public mission observed Mr Pickwick Yes Sir resumed Pott it is Here bending towards Mr Pickwick he whispered in a deep hollow voice A Buff ball Sir will take place in Birmingham tomorrow evening God bless me exclaimed Mr Pickwick Yes Sir and supper added Pott You dont say so ejaculated Mr Pickwick Pott nodded portentously Now although Mr Pickwick feigned to stand aghast at this disclosure he was so little versed in local politics that he was unable to form an adequate comprehension of the importance of the dire conspiracy it referred to observing which Mr Pott drawing forth the last number of the Eatanswill Gazette and referring to the same delivered himself of the following paragraph HOLEANDCORNER BUFFERY A reptile contemporary has recently sweltered forth his black venom in the vain and hopeless attempt of sullying the fair name of our distinguished and excellent representative the Honourable Mr Slumkey that Slumkey whom we long before he gained his present noble and exalted position predicted would one day be as he now is at once his countrys brightest honour and her proudest boast alike her bold defender and her honest prideour reptile contemporary we say has made himself merry at the expense of a superbly embossed plated coal scuttle which has been presented to that glorious man by his enraptured constituents and towards the purchase of which the nameless wretch insinuates the Honourable Mr Slumkey himself contributed through a confidential friend of his butlers more than threefourths of the whole sum subscribed Why does not the crawling creature see that even if this be the fact the Honourable Mr Slumkey only appears in a still more amiable and radiant light than before if that be possible Does not even his obtuseness perceive that this amiable and touching desire to carry out the wishes of the constituent body must for ever endear him to the hearts and souls of such of his fellow townsmen as are not worse than swine or in other words who are not as debased as our contemporary himself But such is the wretched trickery of holeand corner Buffery These are not its only artifices Treason is abroad We boldly state now that we are goaded to the disclosure and we throw ourselves on the country and its constables for protectionwe boldly state that secret preparations are at this moment in progress for a Buff ball which is to be held in a Buff town in the very heart and centre of a Buff population which is to be conducted by a Buff master of the ceremonies which is to be attended by four ultra Buff members of Parliament and the admission to which is to be by Buff tickets Does our fiendish contemporary wince Let him writhe in impotent malice as we pen the words We will be there There Sir said Pott folding up the paper quite exhausted that is the state of the case The landlord and waiter entering at the moment with dinner caused Mr Pott to lay his finger on his lips in token that he considered his life in Mr Pickwicks hands and depended on his secrecy Messrs Bob Sawyer and Benjamin Allen who had irreverently fallen asleep during the reading of the quotation from the Eatanswill Gazette and the discussion which followed it were roused by the mere whispering of the talismanic word Dinner in their ears and to dinner they went with good digestion waiting on appetite and health on both and a waiter on all three In the course of the dinner and the sitting which succeeded it Mr Pott descending for a few moments to domestic topics informed Mr Pickwick that the air of Eatanswill not agreeing with his lady she was then engaged in making a tour of different fashionable wateringplaces with a view to the recovery of her wonted health and spirits this was a delicate veiling of the fact that Mrs Pott acting upon her often repeated threat of separation had in virtue of an arrangement negotiated by her brother the lieutenant and concluded by Mr Pott permanently retired with the faithful bodyguard upon one moiety or half part of the annual income and profits arising from the editorship and sale of the Eatanswill Gazette While the great Mr Pott was dwelling upon this and other matters enlivening the conversation from time to time with various extracts from his own lucubrations a stern stranger calling from the window of a stagecoach outward bound which halted at the inn to deliver packages requested to know whether if he stopped short on his journey and remained there for the night he could be furnished with the necessary accommodation of a bed and bedstead Certainly sir replied the landlord I can can I inquired the stranger who seemed habitually suspicious in look and manner No doubt of it Sir replied the landlord Good said the stranger Coachman I get down here Guard my carpet bag Bidding the other passengers goodnight in a rather snappish manner the stranger alighted He was a shortish gentleman with very stiff black hair cut in the porcupine or blackingbrush style and standing stiff and straight all over his head his aspect was pompous and threatening his manner was peremptory his eyes were sharp and restless and his whole bearing bespoke a feeling of great confidence in himself and a consciousness of immeasurable superiority over all other people This gentleman was shown into the room originally assigned to the patriotic Mr Pott and the waiter remarked in dumb astonishment at the singular coincidence that he had no sooner lighted the candles than the gentleman diving into his hat drew forth a newspaper and began to read it with the very same expression of indignant scorn which upon the majestic features of Pott had paralysed his energies an hour before The man observed too that whereas Mr Potts scorn had been roused by a newspaper headed the Eatanswill Independent this gentlemans withering contempt was awakened by a newspaper entitled the Eatanswill Gazette Send the landlord said the stranger Yes sir rejoined the waiter The landlord was sent and came Are you the landlord inquired the gentleman I am sir replied the landlord Do you know me demanded the gentleman I have not had that pleasure Sir rejoined the landlord My name is Slurk said the gentleman The landlord slightly inclined his head Slurk sir repeated the gentleman haughtily Do you know me now man The landlord scratched his head looked at the ceiling and at the stranger and smiled feebly Do you know me man inquired the stranger angrily The landlord made a strong effort and at length replied Well Sir I do not know you Great Heaven said the stranger dashing his clenched fist upon the table And this is popularity The landlord took a step or two towards the door the stranger fixing his eyes upon him resumed This said the strangerthis is gratitude for years of labour and study in behalf of the masses I alight wet and weary no enthusiastic crowds press forward to greet their champion the church bells are silent the very name elicits no responsive feeling in their torpid bosoms It is enough said the agitated Mr Slurk pacing to and fro to curdle the ink in ones pen and induce one to abandon their cause for ever Did you say brandyandwater Sir said the landlord venturing a hint Rum said Mr Slurk turning fiercely upon him Have you got a fire anywhere We can light one directly Sir said the landlord Which will throw out no heat until it is bedtime interrupted Mr Slurk Is there anybody in the kitchen Not a soul There was a beautiful fire Everybody had gone and the house door was closed for the night I will drink my rumandwater said Mr Slurk by the kitchen fire So gathering up his hat and newspaper he stalked solemnly behind the landlord to that humble apartment and throwing himself on a settle by the fireside resumed his countenance of scorn and began to read and drink in silent dignity Now some demon of discord flying over the Saracens Head at that moment on casting down his eyes in mere idle curiosity happened to behold Slurk established comfortably by the kitchen fire and Pott slightly elevated with wine in another room upon which the malicious demon darting down into the lastmentioned apartment with inconceivable rapidity passed at once into the head of Mr Bob Sawyer and prompted him for his the demons own evil purpose to speak as follows I say weve let the fire out Its uncommonly cold after the rain isnt it It really is replied Mr Pickwick shivering It wouldnt be a bad notion to have a cigar by the kitchen fire would it said Bob Sawyer still prompted by the demon aforesaid It would be particularly comfortable I think replied Mr Pickwick Mr Pott what do you say Mr Pott yielded a ready assent and all four travellers each with his glass in his hand at once betook themselves to the kitchen with Sam Weller heading the procession to show them the way The stranger was still reading he looked up and started Mr Pott started Whats the matter whispered Mr Pickwick That reptile replied Pott What reptile said Mr Pickwick looking about him for fear he should tread on some overgrown black beetle or dropsical spider That reptile whispered Pott catching Mr Pickwick by the arm and pointing towards the stranger That reptile Slurk of the Independent Perhaps we had better retire whispered Mr Pickwick Never Sir rejoined Pott potvaliant in a double sensenever With these words Mr Pott took up his position on an opposite settle and selecting one from a little bundle of newspapers began to read against his enemy Mr Pott of course read the Independent and Mr Slurk of course read the Gazette and each gentleman audibly expressed his contempt at the others compositions by bitter laughs and sarcastic sniffs whence they proceeded to more open expressions of opinion such as absurd wretched atrocity humbug knavery dirt filth slime ditchwater and other critical remarks of the like nature Both Mr Bob Sawyer and Mr Ben Allen had beheld these symptoms of rivalry and hatred with a degree of delight which imparted great additional relish to the cigars at which they were puffing most vigorously The moment they began to flag the mischievous Mr Bob Sawyer addressing Slurk with great politeness said Will you allow me to look at your paper Sir when you have quite done with it You will find very little to repay you for your trouble in this contemptible thing sir replied Slurk bestowing a Satanic frown on Pott You shall have this presently said Pott looking up pale with rage and quivering in his speech from the same cause Ha ha you will be amused with this fellows audacity Terrible emphasis was laid upon thing and fellow and the faces of both editors began to glow with defiance The ribaldry of this miserable man is despicably disgusting said Pott pretending to address Bob Sawyer and scowling upon Slurk Here Mr Slurk laughed very heartily and folding up the paper so as to get at a fresh column conveniently said that the blockhead really amused him What an impudent blunderer this fellow is said Pott turning from pink to crimson Did you ever read any of this mans foolery Sir inquired Slurk of Bob Sawyer Never replied Bob is it very bad Oh shocking shocking rejoined Slurk Really Dear me this is too atrocious exclaimed Pott at this juncture still feigning to be absorbed in his reading If you can wade through a few sentences of malice meanness falsehood perjury treachery and cant said Slurk handing the paper to Bob you will perhaps be somewhat repaid by a laugh at the style of this ungrammatical twaddler Whats that you said Sir inquired Mr Pott looking up trembling all over with passion Whats that to you sir replied Slurk Ungrammatical twaddler was it sir said Pott Yes sir it was replied Slurk and blue bore Sir if you like that better ha ha Mr Pott retorted not a word at this jocose insult but deliberately folded up his copy of the Independent flattened it carefully down crushed it beneath his boot spat upon it with great ceremony and flung it into the fire There sir said Pott retreating from the stove and thats the way I would serve the viper who produces it if I were not fortunately for him restrained by the laws of my country Serve him so sir cried Slurk starting up Those laws shall never be appealed to by him sir in such a case Serve him so sir Hear hear said Bob Sawyer Nothing can be fairer observed Mr Ben Allen Serve him so sir reiterated Slurk in a loud voice Mr Pott darted a look of contempt which might have withered an anchor Serve him so sir reiterated Slurk in a louder voice than before I will not sir rejoined Pott Oh you wont wont you sir said Mr Slurk in a taunting manner you hear this gentlemen He wont not that hes afraid oh no he wont Ha ha I consider you sir said Mr Pott moved by this sarcasm I consider you a viper I look upon you sir as a man who has placed himself beyond the pale of society by his most audacious disgraceful and abominable public conduct I view you sir personally and politically in no other light than as a most unparalleled and unmitigated viper The indignant Independent did not wait to hear the end of this personal denunciation for catching up his carpetbag which was well stuffed with movables he swung it in the air as Pott turned away and letting it fall with a circular sweep on his head just at that particular angle of the bag where a good thick hairbrush happened to be packed caused a sharp crash to be heard throughout the kitchen and brought him at once to the ground Gentlemen cried Mr Pickwick as Pott started up and seized the fire shovelgentlemen Consider for Heavens sakehelpSamherepray gentlemeninterfere somebody Uttering these incoherent exclamations Mr Pickwick rushed between the infuriated combatants just in time to receive the carpetbag on one side of his body and the fireshovel on the other Whether the representatives of the public feeling of Eatanswill were blinded by animosity or being both acute reasoners saw the advantage of having a third party between them to bear all the blows certain it is that they paid not the slightest attention to Mr Pickwick but defying each other with great spirit plied the carpetbag and the fireshovel most fearlessly Mr Pickwick would unquestionably have suffered severely for his humane interference if Mr Weller attracted by his masters cries had not rushed in at the moment and snatching up a mealsack effectually stopped the conflict by drawing it over the head and shoulders of the mighty Pott and clasping him tight round the shoulders Take away that ere bag from the tother madman said Sam to Ben Allen and Bob Sawyer who had done nothing but dodge round the group each with a tortoiseshell lancet in his hand ready to bleed the first man stunned Give it up you wretched little creetur or Ill smother you in it Awed by these threats and quite out of breath the Independent suffered himself to be disarmed and Mr Weller removing the extinguisher from Pott set him free with a caution You take yourselves off to bed quietly said Sam or Ill put you both in it and let you fight it out vith the mouth tied as I vould a dozen sich if they played these games And you have the goodness to come this here way sir if you please Thus addressing his master Sam took him by the arm and led him off while the rival editors were severally removed to their beds by the landlord under the inspection of Mr Bob Sawyer and Mr Benjamin Allen breathing as they went away many sanguinary threats and making vague appointments for mortal combat next day When they came to think it over however it occurred to them that they could do it much better in print so they recommenced deadly hostilities without delay and all Eatanswill rung with their boldnesson paper They had taken themselves off in separate coaches early next morning before the other travellers were stirring and the weather having now cleared up the chaise companions once more turned their faces to London CHAPTER LII INVOLVING A SERIOUS CHANGE IN THE WELLER FAMILY AND THE UNTIMELY DOWNFALL OF MR STIGGINS Considering it a matter of delicacy to abstain from introducing either Bob Sawyer or Ben Allen to the young couple until they were fully prepared to expect them and wishing to spare Arabellas feelings as much as possible Mr Pickwick proposed that he and Sam should alight in the neighbourhood of the George and Vulture and that the two young men should for the present take up their quarters elsewhere To this they very readily agreed and the proposition was accordingly acted upon Mr Ben Allen and Mr Bob Sawyer betaking themselves to a sequestered pot shop on the remotest confines of the Borough behind the bar door of which their names had in other days very often appeared at the head of long and complex calculations worked in white chalk Dear me Mr Weller said the pretty housemaid meeting Sam at the door Dear me I vish it vos my dear replied Sam dropping behind to let his master get out of hearing Wot a sweetlookin creetur you are Mary Lor Mr Weller what nonsense you do talk said Mary Oh dont Mr Weller Dont what my dear said Sam Why that replied the pretty housemaid Lor do get along with you Thus admonishing him the pretty housemaid pushed Sam against the wall declaring that he had tumbled her cap and put her hair quite out of curl And prevented what I was going to say besides added Mary Theres a letter been waiting here for you four days you hadnt gone away half an hour when it came and more than that its got immediate on the outside Vere is it my love inquired Sam I took care of it for you or I dare say it would have been lost long before this replied Mary There take it its more than you deserve With these words after many pretty little coquettish doubts and fears and wishes that she might not have lost it Mary produced the letter from behind the nicest little muslin tucker possible and handed it to Sam who thereupon kissed it with much gallantry and devotion My goodness me said Mary adjusting the tucker and feigning unconsciousness you seem to have grown very fond of it all at once To this Mr Weller only replied by a wink the intense meaning of which no description could convey the faintest idea of and sitting himself down beside Mary on a windowseat opened the letter and glanced at the contents Hollo exclaimed Sam wots all this Nothing the matter I hope said Mary peeping over his shoulder Bless them eyes o yourn said Sam looking up Never mind my eyes you had much better read your letter said the pretty housemaid and as she said so she made the eyes twinkle with such slyness and beauty that they were perfectly irresistible Sam refreshed himself with a kiss and read as follows MARKIS GRAN By DORKEN Wensdy My DEAR SAMMLE I am wery sorry to have the pleasure of being a Bear of ill news your Mother in law cort cold consekens of imprudently settin too long on the damp grass in the rain a hearin of a shepherd who warnt able to leave off till late at night owen to his having vound hisself up vith brandy and vater and not being able to stop hisself till he got a little sober which took a many hours to do the doctor says that if shed svallod varm brandy and vater artervards insted of afore she mightnt have been no vus her veels wos immedetly greased and everythink done to set her agoin as could be inwented your father had hopes as she vould have vorked round as usual but just as she wos a turnen the corner my boy she took the wrong road and vent down hill vith a welocity you never see and notvithstandin that the drag wos put on drectly by the medikel man it wornt of no use at all for she paid the last pike at twenty minutes afore six oclock yesterday evenin havin done the jouney wery much under the reglar time vich praps was partly owen to her haven taken in wery little luggage by the vay your father says that if you vill come and see me Sammy he vill take it as a wery great favor for I am wery lonely Samivel N B he vill have it spelt that vay vich I say ant right and as there is sich a many things to settle he is sure your guvner wont object of course he vill not Sammy for I knows him better so he sends his dooty in which I join and am Samivel infernally yours TONY VELLER Wot a incomprehensible letter said Sam whos to know wot it means vith all this heing and Iing It aint my fathers writin cept this here signater in print letters thats his Perhaps he got somebody to write it for him and signed it himself afterwards said the pretty housemaid Stop a minit replied Sam running over the letter again and pausing here and there to reflect as he did so Youve hit it The genlmn as wrote it wos atellin all about the misfortun in a proper vay and then my father comes alookin over him and complicates the whole concern by puttin his oar in Thats just the wery sort o thing hed do Youre right Mary my dear Having satisfied himself on this point Sam read the letter all over once more and appearing to form a clear notion of its contents for the first time ejaculated thoughtfully as he folded it up And so the poor creeturs dead Im sorry for it She warnt a bad disposed ooman if them shepherds had let her alone Im wery sorry for it Mr Weller uttered these words in so serious a manner that the pretty housemaid cast down her eyes and looked very grave Howsever said Sam putting the letter in his pocket with a gentle sigh it wos to beand wos as the old lady said arter shed married the footman Cant be helped now can it Mary Mary shook her head and sighed too I must apply to the hemperor for leave of absence said Sam Mary sighed againthe letter was so very affecting Goodbye said Sam Goodbye rejoined the pretty housemaid turning her head away Well shake hands wont you said Sam The pretty housemaid put out a hand which although it was a housemaids was a very small one and rose to go I shant be wery long avay said Sam Youre always away said Mary giving her head the slightest possible toss in the air You no sooner come Mr Weller than you go again Mr Weller drew the household beauty closer to him and entered upon a whispering conversation which had not proceeded far when she turned her face round and condescended to look at him again When they parted it was somehow or other indispensably necessary for her to go to her room and arrange the cap and curls before she could think of presenting herself to her mistress which preparatory ceremony she went off to perform bestowing many nods and smiles on Sam over the banisters as she tripped upstairs I shant be avay more than a day or two Sir at the furthest said Sam when he had communicated to Mr Pickwick the intelligence of his fathers loss As long as may be necessary Sam replied Mr Pickwick you have my full permission to remain Sam bowed You will tell your father Sam that if I can be of any assistance to him in his present situation I shall be most willing and ready to lend him any aid in my power said Mr Pickwick Thankee sir rejoined Sam Ill mention it sir And with some expressions of mutual goodwill and interest master and man separated It was just seven oclock when Samuel Weller alighting from the box of a stagecoach which passed through Dorking stood within a few hundred yards of the Marquis of Granby It was a cold dull evening the little street looked dreary and dismal and the mahogany countenance of the noble and gallant marquis seemed to wear a more sad and melancholy expression than it was wont to do as it swung to and fro creaking mournfully in the wind The blinds were pulled down and the shutters partly closed of the knot of loungers that usually collected about the door not one was to be seen the place was silent and desolate Seeing nobody of whom he could ask any preliminary questions Sam walked softly in and glancing round he quickly recognised his parent in the distance The widower was seated at a small round table in the little room behind the bar smoking a pipe with his eyes intently fixed upon the fire The funeral had evidently taken place that day for attached to his hat which he still retained on his head was a hatband measuring about a yard and a half in length which hung over the top rail of the chair and streamed negligently down Mr Weller was in a very abstracted and contemplative mood Notwithstanding that Sam called him by name several times he still continued to smoke with the same fixed and quiet countenance and was only roused ultimately by his sons placing the palm of his hand on his shoulder Sammy said Mr Weller youre welcome Ive been acallin to you half a dozen times said Sam hanging his hat on a peg but you didnt hear me No Sammy replied Mr Weller again looking thoughtfully at the fire I was in a referee Sammy Wot about inquired Sam drawing his chair up to the fire In a referee Sammy replied the elder Mr Weller regarding her Samivel Here Mr Weller jerked his head in the direction of Dorking churchyard in mute explanation that his words referred to the late Mrs Weller I wos athinkin Sammy said Mr Weller eyeing his son with great earnestness over his pipe as if to assure him that however extraordinary and incredible the declaration might appear it was nevertheless calmly and deliberately uttered I wos athinkin Sammy that upon the whole I wos wery sorry she wos gone Vell and so you ought to be replied Sam Mr Weller nodded his acquiescence in the sentiment and again fastening his eyes on the fire shrouded himself in a cloud and mused deeply Those wos wery sensible observations as she made Sammy said Mr Weller driving the smoke away with his hand after a long silence Wot observations inquired Sam Them as she made arter she was took ill replied the old gentleman Wot was they Somethin to this here effect Veller she says Im afeered Ive not done by you quite wot I ought to have done youre a wery kind hearted man and I might ha made your home more comfortabler I begin to see now she says ven its too late that if a married ooman vishes to be religious she should begin vith dischargin her dooties at home and makin them as is about her cheerful and happy and that vile she goes to church or chapel or wot not at all proper times she should be wery careful not to conwert this sort o thing into a excuse for idleness or selfindulgence I have done this she says and Ive vasted time and substance on them as has done it more than me but I hope ven Im gone Veller that youll think on me as I wos afore I knowd them people and as I raly wos by natur Susan says II wos took up wery short by this Samivel I vont deny it my boySusan I says youve been a wery good vife to me altogether dont say nothin at all about it keep a good heart my dear and youll live to see me punch that ere Stigginss head yet She smiled at this Samivel said the old gentleman stifling a sigh with his pipe but she died arter all Vell said Sam venturing to offer a little homely consolation after the lapse of three or four minutes consumed by the old gentleman in slowly shaking his head from side to side and solemnly smoking vell govnor ve must all come to it one day or another So we must Sammy said Mr Weller the elder Theres a Providence in it all said Sam O course there is replied his father with a nod of grave approval Wot ud become of the undertakers vithout it Sammy Lost in the immense field of conjecture opened by this reflection the elder Mr Weller laid his pipe on the table and stirred the fire with a meditative visage While the old gentleman was thus engaged a very buxomlooking cook dressed in mourning who had been bustling about in the bar glided into the room and bestowing many smirks of recognition upon Sam silently stationed herself at the back of his fathers chair and announced her presence by a slight cough the which being disregarded was followed by a louder one Hollo said the elder Mr Weller dropping the poker as he looked round and hastily drew his chair away Wots the matter now Have a cup of tea theres a good soul replied the buxom female coaxingly I vont replied Mr Weller in a somewhat boisterous manner Ill see you Mr Weller hastily checked himself and added in a low tone furder fust Oh dear dear How adwersity does change people said the lady looking upwards Its the only thing twixt this and the doctor as shall change my condition muttered Mr Weller I really never saw a man so cross said the buxom female Never mind Its all for my own good vich is the reflection vith vich the penitent schoolboy comforted his feelins ven they flogged him rejoined the old gentleman The buxom female shook her head with a compassionate and sympathising air and appealing to Sam inquired whether his father really ought not to make an effort to keep up and not give way to that lowness of spirits You see Mr Samuel said the buxom female as I was telling him yesterday he will feel lonely he cant expect but what he should sir but he should keep up a good heart because dear me Im sure we all pity his loss and are ready to do anything for him and theres no situation in life so bad Mr Samuel that it cant be mended Which is what a very worthy person said to me when my husband died Here the speaker putting her hand before her mouth coughed again and looked affectionately at the elder Mr Weller As I dont rekvire any o your conversation just now mum vill you have the goodness to retire inquired Mr Weller in a grave and steady voice Well Mr Weller said the buxom female Im sure I only spoke to you out of kindness Wery likely mum replied Mr Weller Samivel show the lady out and shut the door after her This hint was not lost upon the buxom female for she at once left the room and slammed the door behind her upon which Mr Weller senior falling back in his chair in a violent perspiration said Sammy if I wos to stop here alone vun weekonly vun week my boy that ere ooman ud marry me by force and wiolence afore it was over Wot is she so wery fond on you inquired Sam Fond replied his father I cant keep her avay from me If I was locked up in a fireproof chest vith a patent Brahmin shed find means to get at me Sammy Wot a thing it is to be so sought arter observed Sam smiling I dont take no pride out on it Sammy replied Mr Weller poking the fire vehemently its a horrid sitiwation Im actiwally drove out o house and home by it The breath was scarcely out o your poor mother inlaws body ven vun old ooman sends me a pot o jam and another a pot o jelly and another brews a blessed large jug o camomiletea vich she brings in vith her own hands Mr Weller paused with an aspect of intense disgust and looking round added in a whisper They wos all widders Sammy all on em cept the camomiletea vun as wos a single young lady o fiftythree Sam gave a comical look in reply and the old gentleman having broken an obstinate lump of coal with a countenance expressive of as much earnestness and malice as if it had been the head of one of the widows lastmentioned said In short Sammy I feel that I aint safe anyveres but on the box How are you safer there than anyveres else interrupted Sam Cos a coachmans a privileged indiwidual replied Mr Weller looking fixedly at his son Cos a coachman may do vithout suspicion wot other men may not cos a coachman may be on the wery amicablest terms with eighty mile o females and yet nobody think that he ever means to marry any vun among em And wot other man can say the same Sammy Vell theres somethin in that said Sam If your govnor had been a coachman reasoned Mr Weller do you spose as that ere jury ud ever ha conwicted him sposin it possible as the matter could ha gone to that extremity They dustnt ha done it Wy not said Sam rather disparagingly Wy not rejoined Mr Weller cos it ud ha gone agin their consciences A reglar coachmans a sort o connectin link betwixt singleness and matrimony and every practicable man knows it Wot You mean theyre genral favorites and nobody takes adwantage on em praps said Sam His father nodded How it ever come to that ere pass resumed the parent Weller I cant say Wy it is that longstage coachmen possess such insiniwations and is alvays looked up toadored I may sayby evry young ooman in evry town he vurks through I dont know I only know that so it is Its a regulation of natura dispensary as your poor motherinlaw used to say A dispensation said Sam correcting the old gentleman Wery good Samivel a dispensation if you like it better returned Mr Weller I call it a dispensary and its always writ up so at the places vere they gives you physic for nothin in your own bottles thats all With these words Mr Weller refilled and relighted his pipe and once more summoning up a meditative expression of countenance continued as follows Therefore my boy as I do not see the adwisability o stoppin here to be married vether I vant to or not and as at the same time I do not vish to separate myself from them interestin members o society altogether I have come to the determination o driving the Safety and puttin up vunce more at the Bell Savage vich is my natral born element Sammy And wots to become o the bisness inquired Sam The bisness Samivel replied the old gentleman goodvill stock and fixters vill be sold by private contract and out o the money two hundred pound agreeable to a rekvest o your motherinlaws to me a little afore she died vill be invested in your name inWhat do you call them things agin Wot things inquired Sam Them things as is always agoin up and down in the city Omnibuses suggested Sam Nonsense replied Mr Weller Them things as is alvays a fluctooatin and gettin theirselves inwolved somehow or another vith the national debt and the chequers bill and all that Oh the funds said Sam Ah rejoined Mr Weller the funs two hundred pounds o the money is to be inwested for you Samivel in the funs four and a half per cent reduced counsels Sammy Wery kind o the old lady to think o me said Sam and Im wery much obliged to her The rest will be inwested in my name continued the elder Mr Weller and wen Im took off the road itll come to you so take care you dont spend it all at vunst my boy and mind that no widder gets a inklin o your fortun or youre done Having delivered this warning Mr Weller resumed his pipe with a more serene countenance the disclosure of these matters appearing to have eased his mind considerably Somebodys atappin at the door said Sam Let em tap replied his father with dignity Sam acted upon the direction There was another tap and another and then a long row of taps upon which Sam inquired why the tapper was not admitted Hush whispered Mr Weller with apprehensive looks dont take no notice on em Sammy its vun o the widders praps No notice being taken of the taps the unseen visitor after a short lapse ventured to open the door and peep in It was no female head that was thrust in at the partiallyopened door but the long black locks and red face of Mr Stiggins Mr Wellers pipe fell from his hands The reverend gentleman gradually opened the door by almost imperceptible degrees until the aperture was just wide enough to admit of the passage of his lank body when he glided into the room and closed it after him with great care and gentleness Turning towards Sam and raising his hands and eyes in token of the unspeakable sorrow with which he regarded the calamity that had befallen the family he carried the highbacked chair to his old corner by the fire and seating himself on the very edge drew forth a brown pockethandkerchief and applied the same to his optics While this was going forward the elder Mr Weller sat back in his chair with his eyes wide open his hands planted on his knees and his whole countenance expressive of absorbing and overwhelming astonishment Sam sat opposite him in perfect silence waiting with eager curiosity for the termination of the scene Mr Stiggins kept the brown pockethandkerchief before his eyes for some minutes moaning decently meanwhile and then mastering his feelings by a strong effort put it in his pocket and buttoned it up After this he stirred the fire after that he rubbed his hands and looked at Sam Oh my young friend said Mr Stiggins breaking the silence in a very low voice heres a sorrowful affliction Sam nodded very slightly For the man of wrath too added Mr Stiggins it makes a vessels heart bleed Mr Weller was overheard by his son to murmur something relative to making a vessels nose bleed but Mr Stiggins heard him not Do you know young man whispered Mr Stiggins drawing his chair closer to Sam whether she has left Emanuel anything Whos he inquired Sam The chapel replied Mr Stiggins our chapel our fold Mr Samuel She hasnt left the fold nothin nor the shepherd nothin nor the animals nothin said Sam decisively nor the dogs neither Mr Stiggins looked slily at Sam glanced at the old gentleman who was sitting with his eyes closed as if asleep and drawing his chair still nearer said Nothing for me Mr Samuel Sam shook his head I think theres something said Stiggins turning as pale as he could turn Consider Mr Samuel no little token Not so much as the vorth o that ere old umberella o yourn replied Sam Perhaps said Mr Stiggins hesitatingly after a few moments deep thought perhaps she recommended me to the care of the man of wrath Mr Samuel I think thats wery likely from what he said rejoined Sam he wos aspeakin about you jist now Was he though exclaimed Stiggins brightening up Ah Hes changed I dare say We might live very comfortably together now Mr Samuel eh I could take care of his property when you are awaygood care you see Heaving a longdrawn sigh Mr Stiggins paused for a response Sam nodded and Mr Weller the elder gave vent to an extraordinary sound which being neither a groan nor a grunt nor a gasp nor a growl seemed to partake in some degree of the character of all four Mr Stiggins encouraged by this sound which he understood to betoken remorse or repentance looked about him rubbed his hands wept smiled wept again and then walking softly across the room to a well remembered shelf in one corner took down a tumbler and with great deliberation put four lumps of sugar in it Having got thus far he looked about him again and sighed grievously with that he walked softly into the bar and presently returning with the tumbler half full of pineapple rum advanced to the kettle which was singing gaily on the hob mixed his grog stirred it sipped it sat down and taking a long and hearty pull at the rumandwater stopped for breath The elder Mr Weller who still continued to make various strange and uncouth attempts to appear asleep offered not a single word during these proceedings but when Stiggins stopped for breath he darted upon him and snatching the tumbler from his hand threw the remainder of the rumandwater in his face and the glass itself into the grate Then seizing the reverend gentleman firmly by the collar he suddenly fell to kicking him most furiously accompanying every application of his top boot to Mr Stigginss person with sundry violent and incoherent anathemas upon his limbs eyes and body Sammy said Mr Weller put my hat on tight for me Sam dutifully adjusted the hat with the long hatband more firmly on his fathers head and the old gentleman resuming his kicking with greater agility than before tumbled with Mr Stiggins through the bar and through the passage out at the front door and so into the streetthe kicking continuing the whole way and increasing in vehemence rather than diminishing every time the topboot was lifted It was a beautiful and exhilarating sight to see the rednosed man writhing in Mr Wellers grasp and his whole frame quivering with anguish as kick followed kick in rapid succession it was a still more exciting spectacle to behold Mr Weller after a powerful struggle immersing Mr Stigginss head in a horsetrough full of water and holding it there until he was half suffocated There said Mr Weller throwing all his energy into one most complicated kick as he at length permitted Mr Stiggins to withdraw his head from the trough send any vun o them lazy shepherds here and Ill pound him to a jelly first and drownd him artervards Sammy help me in and fill me a small glass of brandy Im out o breath my boy CHAPTER LIII COMPRISING THE FINAL EXIT OF MR JINGLE AND JOB TROTTER WITH A GREAT MORNING OF BUSINESS IN GRAYS INN SQUARECONCLUDING WITH A DOUBLE KNOCK AT MR PERKERS DOOR When Arabella after some gentle preparation and many assurances that there was not the least occasion for being lowspirited was at length made acquainted by Mr Pickwick with the unsatisfactory result of his visit to Birmingham she burst into tears and sobbing aloud lamented in moving terms that she should have been the unhappy cause of any estrangement between a father and his son My dear girl said Mr Pickwick kindly it is no fault of yours It was impossible to foresee that the old gentleman would be so strongly prepossessed against his sons marriage you know I am sure added Mr Pickwick glancing at her pretty face he can have very little idea of the pleasure he denies himself Oh my dear Mr Pickwick said Arabella what shall we do if he continues to be angry with us Why wait patiently my dear until he thinks better of it replied Mr Pickwick cheerfully But dear Mr Pickwick what is to become of Nathaniel if his father withdraws his assistance urged Arabella In that case my love rejoined Mr Pickwick I will venture to prophesy that he will find some other friend who will not be backward in helping him to start in the world The significance of this reply was not so well disguised by Mr Pickwick but that Arabella understood it So throwing her arms round his neck and kissing him affectionately she sobbed louder than before Come come said Mr Pickwick taking her hand we will wait here a few days longer and see whether he writes or takes any other notice of your husbands communication If not I have thought of half a dozen plans any one of which would make you happy at once There my dear there With these words Mr Pickwick gently pressed Arabellas hand and bade her dry her eyes and not distress her husband Upon which Arabella who was one of the best little creatures alive put her handkerchief in her reticule and by the time Mr Winkle joined them exhibited in full lustre the same beaming smiles and sparkling eyes that had originally captivated him This is a distressing predicament for these young people thought Mr Pickwick as he dressed himself next morning Ill walk up to Perkers and consult him about the matter As Mr Pickwick was further prompted to betake himself to Grays Inn Square by an anxious desire to come to a pecuniary settlement with the kindhearted little attorney without further delay he made a hurried breakfast and executed his intention so speedily that ten oclock had not struck when he reached Grays Inn It still wanted ten minutes to the hour when he had ascended the staircase on which Perkers chambers were The clerks had not arrived yet and he beguiled the time by looking out of the staircase window The healthy light of a fine October morning made even the dingy old houses brighten up a little some of the dusty windows actually looking almost cheerful as the suns rays gleamed upon them Clerk after clerk hastened into the square by one or other of the entrances and looking up at the Hall clock accelerated or decreased his rate of walking according to the time at which his office hours nominally commenced the halfpast nine oclock people suddenly becoming very brisk and the ten oclock gentlemen falling into a pace of most aristocratic slowness The clock struck ten and clerks poured in faster than ever each one in a greater perspiration than his predecessor The noise of unlocking and opening doors echoed and reechoed on every side heads appeared as if by magic in every window the porters took up their stations for the day the slipshod laundresses hurried off the postman ran from house to house and the whole legal hive was in a bustle Youre early Mr Pickwick said a voice behind him Ah Mr Lowten replied that gentleman looking round and recognising his old acquaintance Precious warm walking isnt it said Lowten drawing a Bramah key from his pocket with a small plug therein to keep the dust out You appear to feel it so rejoined Mr Pickwick smiling at the clerk who was literally redhot Ive come along rather I can tell you replied Lowten It went the half hour as I came through the Polygon Im here before him though so I dont mind Comforting himself with this reflection Mr Lowten extracted the plug from the doorkey having opened the door replugged and repocketed his Bramah and picked up the letters which the postman had dropped through the box he ushered Mr Pickwick into the office Here in the twinkling of an eye he divested himself of his coat put on a threadbare garment which he took out of a desk hung up his hat pulled forth a few sheets of cartridge and blottingpaper in alternate layers and sticking a pen behind his ear rubbed his hands with an air of great satisfaction There you see Mr Pickwick he said now Im complete Ive got my office coat on and my pad out and let him come as soon as he likes You havent got a pinch of snuff about you have you No I have not replied Mr Pickwick Im sorry for it said Lowten Never mind Ill run out presently and get a bottle of soda Dont I look rather queer about the eyes Mr Pickwick The individual appealed to surveyed Mr Lowtens eyes from a distance and expressed his opinion that no unusual queerness was perceptible in those features Im glad of it said Lowten We were keeping it up pretty tolerably at the Stump last night and Im rather out of sorts this morning Perkers been about that business of yours by the bye What business inquired Mr Pickwick Mrs Bardells costs No I dont mean that replied Mr Lowten About getting that customer that we paid the ten shillings in the pound to the bill discounter for on your accountto get him out of the Fleet you know about getting him to Demerara Oh Mr Jingle said Mr Pickwick hastily Yes Well Well its all arranged said Lowten mending his pen The agent at Liverpool said he had been obliged to you many times when you were in business and he would be glad to take him on your recommendation Thats well said Mr Pickwick I am delighted to hear it But I say resumed Lowten scraping the back of the pen preparatory to making a fresh split what a soft chap that other is Which other Why that servant or friend or whatever he is you know Trotter Ah said Mr Pickwick with a smile I always thought him the reverse Well and so did I from what little I saw of him replied Lowten it only shows how one may be deceived What do you think of his going to Demerara too What And giving up what was offered him here exclaimed Mr Pickwick Treating Perkers offer of eighteen bob a week and a rise if he behaved himself like dirt replied Lowten He said he must go along with the other one and so they persuaded Perker to write again and theyve got him something on the same estate not near so good Perker says as a convict would get in New South Wales if he appeared at his trial in a new suit of clothes Foolish fellow said Mr Pickwick with glistening eyes Foolish fellow Oh its worse than foolish its downright sneaking you know replied Lowten nibbing the pen with a contemptuous face He says that hes the only friend he ever had and hes attached to him and all that Friendships a very good thing in its waywe are all very friendly and comfortable at the Stump for instance over our grog where every man pays for himself but damn hurting yourself for anybody else you know No man should have more than two attachmentsthe first to number one and the second to the ladies thats what I sayha ha Mr Lowten concluded with a loud laugh half in jocularity and half in derision which was prematurely cut short by the sound of Perkers footsteps on the stairs at the first approach of which he vaulted on his stool with an agility most remarkable and wrote intensely The greeting between Mr Pickwick and his professional adviser was warm and cordial the client was scarcely ensconced in the attorneys arm chair however when a knock was heard at the door and a voice inquired whether Mr Perker was within Hark said Perker thats one of our vagabond friendsJingle himself my dear Sir Will you see him What do you think inquired Mr Pickwick hesitating Yes I think you had better Here you Sir whats your name walk in will you In compliance with this unceremonious invitation Jingle and Job walked into the room but seeing Mr Pickwick stopped short in some confusion Well said Perker dont you know that gentleman Good reason to replied Mr Jingle stepping forward Mr Pickwick deepest obligationslife preservermade a man of meyou shall never repent it Sir I am happy to hear you say so said Mr Pickwick You look much better Thanks to you sirgreat changeMajestys Fleetunwholesome place very said Jingle shaking his head He was decently and cleanly dressed and so was Job who stood bolt upright behind him staring at Mr Pickwick with a visage of iron When do they go to Liverpool inquired Mr Pickwick half aside to Perker This evening Sir at seven oclock said Job taking one step forward By the heavy coach from the city Sir Are your places taken They are sir replied Job You have fully made up your mind to go I have sir answered Job With regard to such an outfit as was indispensable for Jingle said Perker addressing Mr Pickwick aloud I have taken upon myself to make an arrangement for the deduction of a small sum from his quarterly salary which being made only for one year and regularly remitted will provide for that expense I entirely disapprove of your doing anything for him my dear sir which is not dependent on his own exertions and good conduct Certainly interposed Jingle with great firmness Clear headman of the worldquite rightperfectly By compounding with his creditor releasing his clothes from the pawnbrokers relieving him in prison and paying for his passage continued Perker without noticing Jingles observation you have already lost upwards of fifty pounds Not lost said Jingle hastily Pay it allstick to businesscash upevery farthing Yellow fever perhapscant help thatif not Here Mr Jingle paused and striking the crown of his hat with great violence passed his hand over his eyes and sat down He means to say said Job advancing a few paces that if he is not carried off by the fever he will pay the money back again If he lives he will Mr Pickwick I will see it done I know he will Sir said Job with energy I could undertake to swear it Well well said Mr Pickwick who had been bestowing a score or two of frowns upon Perker to stop his summary of benefits conferred which the little attorney obstinately disregarded you must be careful not to play any more desperate cricket matches Mr Jingle or to renew your acquaintance with Sir Thomas Blazo and I have little doubt of your preserving your health Mr Jingle smiled at this sally but looked rather foolish notwithstanding so Mr Pickwick changed the subject by saying You dont happen to know do you what has become of another friend of yoursa more humble one whom I saw at Rochester Dismal Jemmy inquired Jingle Yes Jingle shook his head Clever rascalqueer fellow hoaxing geniusJobs brother Jobs brother exclaimed Mr Pickwick Well now I look at him closely there is a likeness We were always considered like each other Sir said Job with a cunning look just lurking in the corners of his eyes only I was really of a serious nature and he never was He emigrated to America Sir in consequence of being too much sought after here to be comfortable and has never been heard of since That accounts for my not having received the page from the romance of real life which he promised me one morning when he appeared to be contemplating suicide on Rochester Bridge I suppose said Mr Pickwick smiling I need not inquire whether his dismal behaviour was natural or assumed He could assume anything Sir said Job You may consider yourself very fortunate in having escaped him so easily On intimate terms he would have been even a more dangerous acquaintance than Job looked at Jingle hesitated and finally added thanthanmyself even A hopeful family yours Mr Trotter said Perker sealing a letter which he had just finished writing Yes Sir replied Job Very much so Well said the little man laughing I hope you are going to disgrace it Deliver this letter to the agent when you reach Liverpool and let me advise you gentlemen not to be too knowing in the West Indies If you throw away this chance you will both richly deserve to be hanged as I sincerely trust you will be And now you had better leave Mr Pickwick and me alone for we have other matters to talk over and time is precious As Perker said this he looked towards the door with an evident desire to render the leavetaking as brief as possible It was brief enough on Mr Jingles part He thanked the little attorney in a few hurried words for the kindness and promptitude with which he had rendered his assistance and turning to his benefactor stood for a few seconds as if irresolute what to say or how to act Job Trotter relieved his perplexity for with a humble and grateful bow to Mr Pickwick he took his friend gently by the arm and led him away A worthy couple said Perker as the door closed behind them I hope they may become so replied Mr Pickwick What do you think Is there any chance of their permanent reformation Perker shrugged his shoulders doubtfully but observing Mr Pickwicks anxious and disappointed look rejoined Of course there is a chance I hope it may prove a good one They are unquestionably penitent now but then you know they have the recollection of very recent suffering fresh upon them What they may become when that fades away is a problem that neither you nor I can solve However my dear Sir added Perker laying his hand on Mr Pickwicks shoulder your object is equally honourable whatever the result is Whether that species of benevolence which is so very cautious and longsighted that it is seldom exercised at all lest its owner should be imposed upon and so wounded in his selflove be real charity or a worldly counterfeit I leave to wiser heads than mine to determine But if those two fellows were to commit a burglary tomorrow my opinion of this action would be equally high With these remarks which were delivered in a much more animated and earnest manner than is usual in legal gentlemen Perker drew his chair to his desk and listened to Mr Pickwicks recital of old Mr Winkles obstinacy Give him a week said Perker nodding his head prophetically Do you think he will come round inquired Mr Pickwick I think he will rejoined Perker If not we must try the young ladys persuasion and that is what anybody but you would have done at first Mr Perker was taking a pinch of snuff with various grotesque contractions of countenance eulogistic of the persuasive powers appertaining unto young ladies when the murmur of inquiry and answer was heard in the outer office and Lowten tapped at the door Come in cried the little man The clerk came in and shut the door after him with great mystery Whats the matter inquired Perker Youre wanted Sir Who wants me Lowten looked at Mr Pickwick and coughed Who wants me Cant you speak Mr Lowten Why sir replied Lowten its Dodson and Fogg is with him Bless my life said the little man looking at his watch I appointed them to be here at halfpast eleven to settle that matter of yours Pickwick I gave them an undertaking on which they sent down your discharge its very awkward my dear Sir what will you do Would you like to step into the next room The next room being the identical room in which Messrs Dodson Fogg were Mr Pickwick replied that he would remain where he was the more especially as Messrs Dodson Fogg ought to be ashamed to look him in the face instead of his being ashamed to see them Which latter circumstance he begged Mr Perker to note with a glowing countenance and many marks of indignation Very well my dear Sir very well replied Perker I can only say that if you expect either Dodson or Fogg to exhibit any symptom of shame or confusion at having to look you or anybody else in the face you are the most sanguine man in your expectations that I ever met with Show them in Mr Lowten Mr Lowten disappeared with a grin and immediately returned ushering in the firm in due form of precedenceDodson first and Fogg afterwards You have seen Mr Pickwick I believe said Perker to Dodson inclining his pen in the direction where that gentleman was seated How do you do Mr Pickwick said Dodson in a loud voice Dear me cried Fogg how do you do Mr Pickwick I hope you are well Sir I thought I knew the face said Fogg drawing up a chair and looking round him with a smile Mr Pickwick bent his head very slightly in answer to these salutations and seeing Fogg pull a bundle of papers from his coat pocket rose and walked to the window Theres no occasion for Mr Pickwick to move Mr Perker said Fogg untying the red tape which encircled the little bundle and smiling again more sweetly than before Mr Pickwick is pretty well acquainted with these proceedings There are no secrets between us I think He he he Not many I think said Dodson Ha ha ha Then both the partners laughed togetherpleasantly and cheerfully as men who are going to receive money often do We shall make Mr Pickwick pay for peeping said Fogg with considerable native humour as he unfolded his papers The amount of the taxed costs is one hundred and thirtythree six four Mr Perker There was a great comparing of papers and turning over of leaves by Fogg and Perker after this statement of profit and loss Meanwhile Dodson said in an affable manner to Mr Pickwick I dont think you are looking quite so stout as when I had the pleasure of seeing you last Mr Pickwick Possibly not Sir replied Mr Pickwick who had been flashing forth looks of fierce indignation without producing the smallest effect on either of the sharp practitioners I believe I am not Sir I have been persecuted and annoyed by scoundrels of late Sir Perker coughed violently and asked Mr Pickwick whether he wouldnt like to look at the morning paper To which inquiry Mr Pickwick returned a most decided negative True said Dodson I dare say you have been annoyed in the Fleet there are some odd gentry there Whereabouts were your apartments Mr Pickwick My one room replied that muchinjured gentleman was on the coffee room flight Oh indeed said Dodson I believe that is a very pleasant part of the establishment Very replied Mr Pickwick drily There was a coolness about all this which to a gentleman of an excitable temperament had under the circumstances rather an exasperating tendency Mr Pickwick restrained his wrath by gigantic efforts but when Perker wrote a cheque for the whole amount and Fogg deposited it in a small pocketbook with a triumphant smile playing over his pimply features which communicated itself likewise to the stern countenance of Dodson he felt the blood in his cheeks tingling with indignation Now Mr Dodson said Fogg putting up the pocketbook and drawing on his gloves I am at your service Very good said Dodson rising I am quite ready I am very happy said Fogg softened by the cheque to have had the pleasure of making Mr Pickwicks acquaintance I hope you dont think quite so ill of us Mr Pickwick as when we first had the pleasure of seeing you I hope not said Dodson with the high tone of calumniated virtue Mr Pickwick now knows us better I trust whatever your opinion of gentlemen of our profession may be I beg to assure you sir that I bear no illwill or vindictive feeling towards you for the sentiments you thought proper to express in our office in Freemans Court Cornhill on the occasion to which my partner has referred Oh no no nor I said Fogg in a most forgiving manner Our conduct Sir said Dodson will speak for itself and justify itself I hope upon every occasion We have been in the profession some years Mr Pickwick and have been honoured with the confidence of many excellent clients I wish you goodmorning Sir Goodmorning Mr Pickwick said Fogg So saying he put his umbrella under his arm drew off his right glove and extended the hand of reconciliation to that most indignant gentleman who thereupon thrust his hands beneath his coat tails and eyed the attorney with looks of scornful amazement Lowten cried Perker at this moment Open the door Wait one instant said Mr Pickwick Perker I will speak My dear Sir pray let the matter rest where it is said the little attorney who had been in a state of nervous apprehension during the whole interview Mr Pickwick I beg I will not be put down Sir replied Mr Pickwick hastily Mr Dodson you have addressed some remarks to me Dodson turned round bent his head meekly and smiled Some remarks to me repeated Mr Pickwick almost breathless and your partner has tendered me his hand and you have both assumed a tone of forgiveness and highmindedness which is an extent of impudence that I was not prepared for even in you What sir exclaimed Dodson What sir reiterated Fogg Do you know that I have been the victim of your plots and conspiracies continued Mr Pickwick Do you know that I am the man whom you have been imprisoning and robbing Do you know that you were the attorneys for the plaintiff in Bardell and Pickwick Yes sir we do know it replied Dodson Of course we know it Sir rejoined Fogg slapping his pocketperhaps by accident I see that you recollect it with satisfaction said Mr Pickwick attempting to call up a sneer for the first time in his life and failing most signally in so doing Although I have long been anxious to tell you in plain terms what my opinion of you is I should have let even this opportunity pass in deference to my friend Perkers wishes but for the unwarrantable tone you have assumed and your insolent familiarity I say insolent familiarity sir said Mr Pickwick turning upon Fogg with a fierceness of gesture which caused that person to retreat towards the door with great expedition Take care Sir said Dodson who though he was the biggest man of the party had prudently entrenched himself behind Fogg and was speaking over his head with a very pale face Let him assault you Mr Fogg dont return it on any account No no I wont return it said Fogg falling back a little more as he spoke to the evident relief of his partner who by these means was gradually getting into the outer office You are continued Mr Pickwick resuming the thread of his discourse you are a wellmatched pair of mean rascally pettifogging robbers Well interposed Perker is that all It is all summed up in that rejoined Mr Pickwick they are mean rascally pettifogging robbers There said Perker in a most conciliatory tone My dear sirs he has said all he has to say Now pray go Lowten is that door open Mr Lowten with a distant giggle replied in the affirmative There theregoodmorninggoodmorningnow pray my dear sirsMr Lowten the door cried the little man pushing Dodson Fogg nothing loath out of the office this way my dear sirsnow pray dont prolong thisDear meMr Lowtenthe door sirwhy dont you attend If theres law in England sir said Dodson looking towards Mr Pickwick as he put on his hat you shall smart for this You are a couple of mean Remember sir you pay dearly for this said Fogg Rascally pettifogging robbers continued Mr Pickwick taking not the least notice of the threats that were addressed to him Robbers cried Mr Pickwick running to the stairhead as the two attorneys descended Robbers shouted Mr Pickwick breaking from Lowten and Perker and thrusting his head out of the staircase window When Mr Pickwick drew in his head again his countenance was smiling and placid and walking quietly back into the office he declared that he had now removed a great weight from his mind and that he felt perfectly comfortable and happy Perker said nothing at all until he had emptied his snuffbox and sent Lowten out to fill it when he was seized with a fit of laughing which lasted five minutes at the expiration of which time he said that he supposed he ought to be very angry but he couldnt think of the business seriously yetwhen he could he would be Well now said Mr Pickwick let me have a settlement with you Of the same kind as the last inquired Perker with another laugh Not exactly rejoined Mr Pickwick drawing out his pocketbook and shaking the little man heartily by the hand I only mean a pecuniary settlement You have done me many acts of kindness that I can never repay and have no wish to repay for I prefer continuing the obligation With this preface the two friends dived into some very complicated accounts and vouchers which having been duly displayed and gone through by Perker were at once discharged by Mr Pickwick with many professions of esteem and friendship They had no sooner arrived at this point than a most violent and startling knocking was heard at the door it was not an ordinary double knock but a constant and uninterrupted succession of the loudest single raps as if the knocker were endowed with the perpetual motion or the person outside had forgotten to leave off Dear me whats that exclaimed Perker starting I think it is a knock at the door said Mr Pickwick as if there could be the smallest doubt of the fact The knocker made a more energetic reply than words could have yielded for it continued to hammer with surprising force and noise without a moments cessation Dear me said Perker ringing his bell we shall alarm the inn Mr Lowten dont you hear a knock Ill answer the door in one moment Sir replied the clerk The knocker appeared to hear the response and to assert that it was quite impossible he could wait so long It made a stupendous uproar Its quite dreadful said Mr Pickwick stopping his ears Make haste Mr Lowten Perker called out we shall have the panels beaten in Mr Lowten who was washing his hands in a dark closet hurried to the door and turning the handle beheld the appearance which is described in the next chapter CHAPTER LIV CONTAINING SOME PARTICULARS RELATIVE TO THE DOUBLE KNOCK AND OTHER MATTERS AMONG WHICH CERTAIN INTERESTING DISCLOSURES RELATIVE TO MR SNODGRASS AND A YOUNG LADY ARE BY NO MEANS IRRELEVANT TO THIS HISTORY The object that presented itself to the eyes of the astonished clerk was a boya wonderfully fat boyhabited as a serving lad standing upright on the mat with his eyes closed as if in sleep He had never seen such a fat boy in or out of a travelling caravan and this coupled with the calmness and repose of his appearance so very different from what was reasonably to have been expected of the inflicter of such knocks smote him with wonder Whats the matter inquired the clerk The extraordinary boy replied not a word but he nodded once and seemed to the clerks imagination to snore feebly Where do you come from inquired the clerk The boy made no sign He breathed heavily but in all other respects was motionless The clerk repeated the question thrice and receiving no answer prepared to shut the door when the boy suddenly opened his eyes winked several times sneezed once and raised his hand as if to repeat the knocking Finding the door open he stared about him with astonishment and at length fixed his eyes on Mr Lowtens face What the devil do you knock in that way for inquired the clerk angrily Which way said the boy in a slow and sleepy voice Why like forty hackneycoachmen replied the clerk Because master said I wasnt to leave off knocking till they opened the door for fear I should go to sleep said the boy Well said the clerk what message have you brought Hes downstairs rejoined the boy Who Master He wants to know whether youre at home Mr Lowten bethought himself at this juncture of looking out of the window Seeing an open carriage with a hearty old gentleman in it looking up very anxiously he ventured to beckon him on which the old gentleman jumped out directly Thats your master in the carriage I suppose said Lowten The boy nodded All further inquiries were superseded by the appearance of old Wardle who running upstairs and just recognising Lowten passed at once into Mr Perkers room Pickwick said the old gentleman Your hand my boy Why have I never heard until the day before yesterday of your suffering yourself to be cooped up in jail And why did you let him do it Perker I couldnt help it my dear Sir replied Perker with a smile and a pinch of snuff you know how obstinate he is Of course I do of course I do replied the old gentleman I am heartily glad to see him notwithstanding I will not lose sight of him again in a hurry With these words Wardle shook Mr Pickwicks hand once more and having done the same by Perker threw himself into an armchair his jolly red face shining again with smiles and health Well said Wardle Here are pretty goings ona pinch of your snuff Perker my boynever were such times eh What do you mean inquired Mr Pickwick Mean replied Wardle Why I think the girls are all running mad thats no news youll say Perhaps its not but its true for all that You have not come up to London of all places in the world to tell us that my dear Sir have you inquired Perker No not altogether replied Wardle though it was the main cause of my coming Hows Arabella Very well replied Mr Pickwick and will be delighted to see you I am sure Blackeyed little jilt replied Wardle I had a great idea of marrying her myself one of these odd days But I am glad of it too very glad How did the intelligence reach you asked Mr Pickwick Oh it came to my girls of course replied Wardle Arabella wrote the day before yesterday to say she had made a stolen match without her husbands fathers consent and so you had gone down to get it when his refusing it couldnt prevent the match and all the rest of it I thought it a very good time to say something serious to my girls so I said what a dreadful thing it was that children should marry without their parents consent and so forth but bless your hearts I couldnt make the least impression upon them They thought it such a much more dreadful thing that there should have been a wedding without bridesmaids that I might as well have preached to Joe himself Here the old gentleman stopped to laugh and having done so to his hearts content presently resumed But this is not the best of it it seems This is only half the love making and plotting that have been going forward We have been walking on mines for the last six months and theyre sprung at last What do you mean exclaimed Mr Pickwick turning pale no other secret marriage I hope No no replied old Wardle not so bad as that no What then inquired Mr Pickwick am I interested in it Shall I answer that question Perker said Wardle If you dont commit yourself by doing so my dear Sir Well then you are said Wardle How asked Mr Pickwick anxiously In what way Really replied Wardle youre such a fiery sort of a young fellow that I am almost afraid to tell you but however if Perker will sit between us to prevent mischief Ill venture Having closed the room door and fortified himself with another application to Perkers snuffbox the old gentleman proceeded with his great disclosure in these words The fact is that my daughter BellaBella who married young Trundle you know Yes yes we know said Mr Pickwick impatiently Dont alarm me at the very beginning My daughter BellaEmily having gone to bed with a headache after she had read Arabellas letter to me sat herself down by my side the other evening and began to talk over this marriage affair Well pa she says what do you think of it Why my dear I said I suppose its all very well I hope its for the best I answered in this way because I was sitting before the fire at the time drinking my grog rather thoughtfully and I knew my throwing in an undecided word now and then would induce her to continue talking Both my girls are pictures of their dear mother and as I grow old I like to sit with only them by me for their voices and looks carry me back to the happiest period of my life and make me for the moment as young as I used to be then though not quite so lighthearted Its quite a marriage of affection pa said Bella after a short silence Yes my dear said I but such marriages do not always turn out the happiest I question that mind interposed Mr Pickwick warmly Very good responded Wardle question anything you like when its your turn to speak but dont interrupt me I beg your pardon said Mr Pickwick Granted replied Wardle I am sorry to hear you express your opinion against marriages of affection pa said Bella colouring a little I was wrong I ought not to have said so my dear either said I patting her cheek as kindly as a rough old fellow like me could pat it for your mothers was one and so was yours Its not that I meant pa said Bella The fact is pa I wanted to speak to you about Emily Mr Pickwick started Whats the matter now inquired Wardle stopping in his narrative Nothing replied Mr Pickwick Pray go on I never could spin out a story said Wardle abruptly It must come out sooner or later and itll save us all a great deal of time if it comes at once The long and the short of it is then that Bella at last mustered up courage to tell me that Emily was very unhappy that she and your young friend Snodgrass had been in constant correspondence and communication ever since last Christmas that she had very dutifully made up her mind to run away with him in laudable imitation of her old friend and schoolfellow but that having some compunctions of conscience on the subject inasmuch as I had always been rather kindly disposed to both of them they had thought it better in the first instance to pay me the compliment of asking whether I would have any objection to their being married in the usual matteroffact manner There now Mr Pickwick if you can make it convenient to reduce your eyes to their usual size again and to let me hear what you think we ought to do I shall feel rather obliged to you The testy manner in which the hearty old gentleman uttered this last sentence was not wholly unwarranted for Mr Pickwicks face had settled down into an expression of blank amazement and perplexity quite curious to behold Snodgrasssince last Christmas were the first broken words that issued from the lips of the confounded gentleman Since last Christmas replied Wardle thats plain enough and very bad spectacles we must have worn not to have discovered it before I dont understand it said Mr Pickwick ruminating I cannot really understand it Its easy enough to understand it replied the choleric old gentleman If you had been a younger man you would have been in the secret long ago and besides added Wardle after a moments hesitation the truth is that knowing nothing of this matter I have rather pressed Emily for four or five months past to receive favourably if she could I would never attempt to force a girls inclinations the addresses of a young gentleman down in our neighbourhood I have no doubt that girl like to enhance her own value and increase the ardour of Mr Snodgrass she has represented this matter in very glowing colours and that they have both arrived at the conclusion that they are a terriblypersecuted pair of unfortunates and have no resource but clandestine matrimony or charcoal Now the question is whats to be done What have you done inquired Mr Pickwick I I mean what did you do when your married daughter told you this Oh I made a fool of myself of course rejoined Wardle Just so interposed Perker who had accompanied this dialogue with sundry twitchings of his watchchain vindictive rubbings of his nose and other symptoms of impatience Thats very natural but how I went into a great passion and frightened my mother into a fit said Wardle That was judicious remarked Perker and what else I fretted and fumed all next day and raised a great disturbance rejoined the old gentleman At last I got tired of rendering myself unpleasant and making everybody miserable so I hired a carriage at Muggleton and putting my own horses in it came up to town under pretence of bringing Emily to see Arabella Miss Wardle is with you then said Mr Pickwick To be sure she is replied Wardle She is at Osbornes Hotel in the Adelphi at this moment unless your enterprising friend has run away with her since I came out this morning You are reconciled then said Perker Not a bit of it answered Wardle she has been crying and moping ever since except last night between tea and supper when she made a great parade of writing a letter that I pretended to take no notice of You want my advice in this matter I suppose said Perker looking from the musing face of Mr Pickwick to the eager countenance of Wardle and taking several consecutive pinches of his favourite stimulant I suppose so said Wardle looking at Mr Pickwick Certainly replied that gentleman Well then said Perker rising and pushing his chair back my advice is that you both walk away together or ride away or get away by some means or other for Im tired of you and just talk this matter over between you If you have not settled it by the next time I see you Ill tell you what to do This is satisfactory said Wardle hardly knowing whether to smile or be offended Pooh pooh my dear Sir returned Perker I know you both a great deal better than you know yourselves You have settled it already to all intents and purposes Thus expressing himself the little gentleman poked his snuffbox first into the chest of Mr Pickwick and then into the waistcoat of Mr Wardle upon which they all three laughed especially the two lastnamed gentlemen who at once shook hands again without any obvious or particular reason You dine with me today said Wardle to Perker as he showed them out Cant promise my dear Sir cant promise replied Perker Ill look in in the evening at all events I shall expect you at five said Wardle Now Joe And Joe having been at length awakened the two friends departed in Mr Wardles carriage which in common humanity had a dickey behind for the fat boy who if there had been a footboard instead would have rolled off and killed himself in his very first nap Driving to the George and Vulture they found that Arabella and her maid had sent for a hackneycoach immediately on the receipt of a short note from Emily announcing her arrival in town and had proceeded straight to the Adelphi As Wardle had business to transact in the city they sent the carriage and the fat boy to his hotel with the information that he and Mr Pickwick would return together to dinner at five oclock Charged with this message the fat boy returned slumbering as peaceably in his dickey over the stones as if it had been a down bed on watch springs By some extraordinary miracle he awoke of his own accord when the coach stopped and giving himself a good shake to stir up his faculties went upstairs to execute his commission Now whether the shake had jumbled the fat boys faculties together instead of arranging them in proper order or had roused such a quantity of new ideas within him as to render him oblivious of ordinary forms and ceremonies or which is also possible had proved unsuccessful in preventing his falling asleep as he ascended the stairs it is an undoubted fact that he walked into the sittingroom without previously knocking at the door and so beheld a gentleman with his arms clasping his young mistresss waist sitting very lovingly by her side on a sofa while Arabella and her pretty handmaid feigned to be absorbed in looking out of a window at the other end of the room At the sight of this phenomenon the fat boy uttered an interjection the ladies a scream and the gentleman an oath almost simultaneously Wretched creature what do you want here said the gentleman who it is needless to say was Mr Snodgrass To this the fat boy considerably terrified briefly responded Missis What do you want me for inquired Emily turning her head aside you stupid creature Master and Mr Pickwick is agoing to dine here at five replied the fat boy Leave the room said Mr Snodgrass glaring upon the bewildered youth No no no added Emily hastily Bella dear advise me Upon this Emily and Mr Snodgrass and Arabella and Mary crowded into a corner and conversed earnestly in whispers for some minutes during which the fat boy dozed Joe said Arabella at length looking round with a most bewitching smile how do you do Joe Joe said Emily youre a very good boy I wont forget you Joe Joe said Mr Snodgrass advancing to the astonished youth and seizing his hand I didnt know you before Theres five shillings for you Joe Ill owe you five Joe said Arabella for old acquaintance sake you know and another most captivating smile was bestowed upon the corpulent intruder The fat boys perception being slow he looked rather puzzled at first to account for this sudden prepossession in his favour and stared about him in a very alarming manner At length his broad face began to show symptoms of a grin of proportionately broad dimensions and then thrusting halfacrown into each of his pockets and a hand and wrist after it he burst into a horse laugh being for the first and only time in his existence He understands us I see said Arabella He had better have something to eat immediately remarked Emily The fat boy almost laughed again when he heard this suggestion Mary after a little more whispering tripped forth from the group and said I am going to dine with you today sir if you have no objection This way said the fat boy eagerly There is such a jolly meatpie With these words the fat boy led the way downstairs his pretty companion captivating all the waiters and angering all the chambermaids as she followed him to the eatingroom There was the meatpie of which the youth had spoken so feelingly and there were moreover a steak and a dish of potatoes and a pot of porter Sit down said the fat boy Oh my eye how prime I am so hungry Having apostrophised his eye in a species of rapture five or six times the youth took the head of the little table and Mary seated herself at the bottom Will you have some of this said the fat boy plunging into the pie up to the very ferules of the knife and fork A little if you please replied Mary The fat boy assisted Mary to a little and himself to a great deal and was just going to begin eating when he suddenly laid down his knife and fork leaned forward in his chair and letting his hands with the knife and fork in them fall on his knees said very slowly I say How nice you look This was said in an admiring manner and was so far gratifying but still there was enough of the cannibal in the young gentlemans eyes to render the compliment a double one Dear me Joseph said Mary affecting to blush what do you mean The fat boy gradually recovering his former position replied with a heavy sigh and remaining thoughtful for a few moments drank a long draught of the porter Having achieved this feat he sighed again and applied himself assiduously to the pie What a nice young lady Miss Emily is said Mary after a long silence The fat boy had by this time finished the pie He fixed his eyes on Mary and replied I knows a nicerer Indeed said Mary Yes indeed replied the fat boy with unwonted vivacity Whats her name inquired Mary Whats yours Mary Sos hers said the fat boy Youre her The boy grinned to add point to the compliment and put his eyes into something between a squint and a cast which there is reason to believe he intended for an ogle You mustnt talk to me in that way said Mary you dont mean it Dont I though replied the fat boy I say Well Are you going to come here regular No rejoined Mary shaking her head Im going away again tonight Why Oh said the fat boy in a tone of strong feeling how we should have enjoyed ourselves at meals if you had been I might come here sometimes perhaps to see you said Mary plaiting the tablecloth in assumed coyness if you would do me a favour The fat boy looked from the piedish to the steak as if he thought a favour must be in a manner connected with something to eat and then took out one of the halfcrowns and glanced at it nervously Dont you understand me said Mary looking slily in his fat face Again he looked at the halfcrown and said faintly No The ladies want you not to say anything to the old gentleman about the young gentleman having been upstairs and I want you too Is that all said the fat boy evidently very much relieved as he pocketed the halfcrown again Of course I aint agoing to You see said Mary Mr Snodgrass is very fond of Miss Emily and Miss Emilys very fond of him and if you were to tell about it the old gentleman would carry you all away miles into the country where youd see nobody No no I wont tell said the fat boy stoutly Thats a dear said Mary Now its time I went upstairs and got my lady ready for dinner Dont go yet urged the fat boy I must replied Mary Goodbye for the present The fat boy with elephantine playfulness stretched out his arms to ravish a kiss but as it required no great agility to elude him his fair enslaver had vanished before he closed them again upon which the apathetic youth ate a pound or so of steak with a sentimental countenance and fell fast asleep There was so much to say upstairs and there were so many plans to concert for elopement and matrimony in the event of old Wardle continuing to be cruel that it wanted only half an hour of dinner when Mr Snodgrass took his final adieu The ladies ran to Emilys bedroom to dress and the lover taking up his hat walked out of the room He had scarcely got outside the door when he heard Wardles voice talking loudly and looking over the banisters beheld him followed by some other gentlemen coming straight upstairs Knowing nothing of the house Mr Snodgrass in his confusion stepped hastily back into the room he had just quitted and passing thence into an inner apartment Mr Wardles bedchamber closed the door softly just as the persons he had caught a glimpse of entered the sittingroom These were Mr Wardle Mr Pickwick Mr Nathaniel Winkle and Mr Benjamin Allen whom he had no difficulty in recognising by their voices Very lucky I had the presence of mind to avoid them thought Mr Snodgrass with a smile and walking on tiptoe to another door near the bedside this opens into the same passage and I can walk quietly and comfortably away There was only one obstacle to his walking quietly and comfortably away which was that the door was locked and the key gone Let us have some of your best wine today waiter said old Wardle rubbing his hands You shall have some of the very best sir replied the waiter Let the ladies know we have come in Yes Sir Devoutly and ardently did Mr Snodgrass wish that the ladies could know he had come in He ventured once to whisper Waiter through the keyhole but the probability of the wrong waiter coming to his relief flashed upon his mind together with a sense of the strong resemblance between his own situation and that in which another gentleman had been recently found in a neighbouring hotel an account of whose misfortunes had appeared under the head of Police in that mornings paper he sat himself on a portmanteau and trembled violently We wont wait a minute for Perker said Wardle looking at his watch he is always exact He will be here in time if he means to come and if he does not its of no use waiting Ha Arabella My sister exclaimed Mr Benjamin Allen folding her in a most romantic embrace Oh Ben dear how you do smell of tobacco said Arabella rather overcome by this mark of affection Do I said Mr Benjamin Allen Do I Bella Well perhaps I do Perhaps he did having just left a pleasant little smokingparty of twelve medical students in a small back parlour with a large fire But I am delighted to see you said Mr Ben Allen Bless you Bella There said Arabella bending forward to kiss her brother dont take hold of me again Ben dear because you tumble me so At this point of the reconciliation Mr Ben Allen allowed his feelings and the cigars and porter to overcome him and looked round upon the beholders with damp spectacles Is nothing to be said to me cried Wardle with open arms A great deal whispered Arabella as she received the old gentlemans hearty caress and congratulation You are a hardhearted unfeeling cruel monster You are a little rebel replied Wardle in the same tone and I am afraid I shall be obliged to forbid you the house People like you who get married in spite of everybody ought not to be let loose on society But come added the old gentleman aloud heres the dinner you shall sit by me Joe why damn the boy hes awake To the great distress of his master the fat boy was indeed in a state of remarkable vigilance his eyes being wide open and looking as if they intended to remain so There was an alacrity in his manner too which was equally unaccountable every time his eyes met those of Emily or Arabella he smirked and grinned once Wardle could have sworn he saw him wink This alteration in the fat boys demeanour originated in his increased sense of his own importance and the dignity he acquired from having been taken into the confidence of the young ladies and the smirks and grins and winks were so many condescending assurances that they might depend upon his fidelity As these tokens were rather calculated to awaken suspicion than allay it and were somewhat embarrassing besides they were occasionally answered by a frown or shake of the head from Arabella which the fat boy considering as hints to be on his guard expressed his perfect understanding of by smirking grinning and winking with redoubled assiduity Joe said Mr Wardle after an unsuccessful search in all his pockets is my snuffbox on the sofa No sir replied the fat boy Oh I recollect I left it on my dressingtable this morning said Wardle Run into the next room and fetch it The fat boy went into the next room and having been absent about a minute returned with the snuffbox and the palest face that ever a fat boy wore Whats the matter with the boy exclaimed Wardle Nothens the matter with me replied Joe nervously Have you been seeing any spirits inquired the old gentleman Or taking any added Ben Allen I think youre right whispered Wardle across the table He is intoxicated Im sure Ben Allen replied that he thought he was and as that gentleman had seen a vast deal of the disease in question Wardle was confirmed in an impression which had been hovering about his mind for half an hour and at once arrived at the conclusion that the fat boy was drunk Just keep your eye upon him for a few minutes murmured Wardle We shall soon find out whether he is or not The unfortunate youth had only interchanged a dozen words with Mr Snodgrass that gentleman having implored him to make a private appeal to some friend to release him and then pushed him out with the snuff box lest his prolonged absence should lead to a discovery He ruminated a little with a most disturbed expression of face and left the room in search of Mary But Mary had gone home after dressing her mistress and the fat boy came back again more disturbed than before Wardle and Mr Ben Allen exchanged glances Joe said Wardle Yes sir What did you go away for The fat boy looked hopelessly in the face of everybody at table and stammered out that he didnt know Oh said Wardle you dont know eh Take this cheese to Mr Pickwick Now Mr Pickwick being in the very best health and spirits had been making himself perfectly delightful all dinnertime and was at this moment engaged in an energetic conversation with Emily and Mr Winkle bowing his head courteously in the emphasis of his discourse gently waving his left hand to lend force to his observations and all glowing with placid smiles He took a piece of cheese from the plate and was on the point of turning round to renew the conversation when the fat boy stooping so as to bring his head on a level with that of Mr Pickwick pointed with his thumb over his shoulder and made the most horrible and hideous face that was ever seen out of a Christmas pantomime Dear me said Mr Pickwick starting what a veryEh He stopped for the fat boy had drawn himself up and was or pretended to be fast asleep Whats the matter inquired Wardle This is such an extremely singular lad replied Mr Pickwick looking uneasily at the boy It seems an odd thing to say but upon my word I am afraid that at times he is a little deranged Oh Mr Pickwick pray dont say so cried Emily and Arabella both at once I am not certain of course said Mr Pickwick amidst profound silence and looks of general dismay but his manner to me this moment really was very alarming Oh ejaculated Mr Pickwick suddenly jumping up with a short scream I beg your pardon ladies but at that moment he ran some sharp instrument into my leg Really he is not safe Hes drunk roared old Wardle passionately Ring the bell Call the waiters Hes drunk I aint said the fat boy falling on his knees as his master seized him by the collar I aint drunk Then youre mad thats worse Call the waiters said the old gentleman I aint mad Im sensible rejoined the fat boy beginning to cry Then what the devil did you run sharp instruments into Mr Pickwicks legs for inquired Wardle angrily He wouldnt look at me replied the boy I wanted to speak to him What did you want to say asked half a dozen voices at once The fat boy gasped looked at the bedroom door gasped again and wiped two tears away with the knuckle of each of his forefingers What did you want to say demanded Wardle shaking him Stop said Mr Pickwick allow me What did you wish to communicate to me my poor boy I want to whisper to you replied the fat boy You want to bite his ear off I suppose said Wardle Dont come near him hes vicious ring the bell and let him be taken downstairs Just as Mr Winkle caught the bellrope in his hand it was arrested by a general expression of astonishment the captive lover his face burning with confusion suddenly walked in from the bedroom and made a comprehensive bow to the company Hollo cried Wardle releasing the fat boys collar and staggering back Whats this I have been concealed in the next room sir since you returned explained Mr Snodgrass Emily my girl said Wardle reproachfully I detest meanness and deceit this is unjustifiable and indelicate in the highest degree I dont deserve this at your hands Emily indeed Dear papa said Emily Arabella knowseverybody here knowsJoe knowsthat I was no party to this concealment Augustus for Heavens sake explain it Mr Snodgrass who had only waited for a hearing at once recounted how he had been placed in his then distressing predicament how the fear of giving rise to domestic dissensions had alone prompted him to avoid Mr Wardle on his entrance how he merely meant to depart by another door but finding it locked had been compelled to stay against his will It was a painful situation to be placed in but he now regretted it the less inasmuch as it afforded him an opportunity of acknowledging before their mutual friends that he loved Mr Wardles daughter deeply and sincerely that he was proud to avow that the feeling was mutual and that if thousands of miles were placed between them or oceans rolled their waters he could never for an instant forget those happy days when firstet cetera et cetera Having delivered himself to this effect Mr Snodgrass bowed again looked into the crown of his hat and stepped towards the door Stop shouted Wardle Why in the name of all thats Inflammable mildly suggested Mr Pickwick who thought something worse was coming Wellthats inflammable said Wardle adopting the substitute couldnt you say all this to me in the first instance Or confide in me added Mr Pickwick Dear dear said Arabella taking up the defence what is the use of asking all that now especially when you know you had set your covetous old heart on a richer soninlaw and are so wild and fierce besides that everybody is afraid of you except me Shake hands with him and order him some dinner for goodness gracious sake for he looks half starved and pray have your wine up at once for youll not be tolerable until you have taken two bottles at least The worthy old gentleman pulled Arabellas ear kissed her without the smallest scruple kissed his daughter also with great affection and shook Mr Snodgrass warmly by the hand She is right on one point at all events said the old gentleman cheerfully Ring for the wine The wine came and Perker came upstairs at the same moment Mr Snodgrass had dinner at a side table and when he had despatched it drew his chair next Emily without the smallest opposition on the old gentlemans part The evening was excellent Little Mr Perker came out wonderfully told various comic stories and sang a serious song which was almost as funny as the anecdotes Arabella was very charming Mr Wardle very jovial Mr Pickwick very harmonious Mr Ben Allen very uproarious the lovers very silent Mr Winkle very talkative and all of them very happy CHAPTER LV MR SOLOMON PELL ASSISTED BY A SELECT COMMITTEE OF COACHMEN ARRANGES THE AFFAIRS OF THE ELDER MR WELLER Samivel said Mr Weller accosting his son on the morning after the funeral Ive found it Sammy I thought it wos there Thought wot wos there inquired Sam Your motherinlaws vill Sammy replied Mr Weller In wirtue o vich them arrangements is to be made as I told you on last night respectin the funs Wot didnt she tell you were it wos inquired Sam Not a bit on it Sammy replied Mr Weller We wos a adjestin our little differences and I wos acheerin her spirits and bearin her up so that I forgot to ask anythin about it I dont know as I should ha done it indeed if I had remembered it added Mr Weller for its a rum sort o thing Sammy to go ahankerin arter anybodys property ven youre assistin em in illness Its like helping an outside passenger up ven hes been pitched off a coach and puttin your hand in his pocket vile you ask him vith a sigh how he finds hisself Sammy With this figurative illustration of his meaning Mr Weller unclasped his pocketbook and drew forth a dirty sheet of letterpaper on which were inscribed various characters crowded together in remarkable confusion This here is the dockyment Sammy said Mr Weller I found it in the little black teapot on the top shelf o the bar closet She used to keep banknotes there fore she vos married Samivel Ive seen her take the lid off to pay a bill many and many a time Poor creetur she might ha filled all the teapots in the house vith vills and not have inconwenienced herself neither for she took wery little of anythin in that vay lately cept on the temperance nights ven they just laid a foundation o tea to put the spirits atop on What does it say inquired Sam Jist vot I told you my boy rejoined his parent Two hundred pound vurth o reduced counsels to my soninlaw Samivel and all the rest o my property of evry kind and description votsoever to my husband Mr Tony Veller who I appint as my sole eggzekiter Thats all is it said Sam Thats all replied Mr Weller And I spose as its all right and satisfactory to you and me as is the only parties interested ve may as vell put this bit o paper into the fire Wot are you adoin on you lunatic said Sam snatching the paper away as his parent in all innocence stirred the fire preparatory to suiting the action to the word Youre a nice eggzekiter you are Vy not inquired Mr Weller looking sternly round with the poker in his hand Vy not exclaimed Sam Cos it must be proved and probated and swore to and all manner o formalities You dont mean that said Mr Weller laying down the poker Sam buttoned the will carefully in a side pocket intimating by a look meanwhile that he did mean it and very seriously too Then Ill tell you wot it is said Mr Weller after a short meditation this is a case for that ere confidential pal o the Chancellorships Pell must look into this Sammy Hes the man for a difficult question at law Vell have this here brought afore the Solvent Court directly Samivel I never did see such a addleheaded old creetur exclaimed Sam irritably Old Baileys and Solvent Courts and alleybis and evry species o gammon alvays arunnin through his brain Youd better get your out o door clothes on and come to town about this bisness than stand apreachin there about wot you dont understand nothin on Wery good Sammy replied Mr Weller Im quite agreeable to anythin as vill hexpedite business Sammy But mind this here my boy nobody but Pellnobody but Pell as a legal adwiser I dont want anybody else replied Sam Now are you acomin Vait a minit Sammy replied Mr Weller who having tied his shawl with the aid of a small glass that hung in the window was now by dint of the most wonderful exertions struggling into his upper garments Vait a minit Sammy ven you grow as old as your father you vont get into your veskit quite as easy as you do now my boy If I couldnt get into it easier than that Im blessed if Id vear vun at all rejoined his son You think so now said Mr Weller with the gravity of age but youll find that as you get vider youll get viser Vidth and visdom Sammy alvays grows together As Mr Weller delivered this infallible maximthe result of many years personal experience and observationhe contrived by a dexterous twist of his body to get the bottom button of his coat to perform its office Having paused a few seconds to recover breath he brushed his hat with his elbow and declared himself ready As four heads is better than two Sammy said Mr Weller as they drove along the London Road in the chaisecart and as all this here property is a wery great temptation to a legal genlmn vell take a couple o friends o mine vith us asll be wery soon down upon him if he comes anythin irreglar two o them as saw you to the Fleet that day Theyre the wery best judges added Mr Weller in a halfwhisper the wery best judges of a horse you ever knowd And of a lawyer too inquired Sam The man as can form a ackerate judgment of a animal can form a ackerate judgment of anythin replied his father so dogmatically that Sam did not attempt to controvert the position In pursuance of this notable resolution the services of the mottled faced gentleman and of two other very fat coachmenselected by Mr Weller probably with a view to their width and consequent wisdomwere put into requisition and this assistance having been secured the party proceeded to the publichouse in Portugal Street whence a messenger was despatched to the Insolvent Court over the way requiring Mr Solomon Pells immediate attendance The messenger fortunately found Mr Solomon Pell in court regaling himself business being rather slack with a cold collation of an Abernethy biscuit and a saveloy The message was no sooner whispered in his ear than he thrust them in his pocket among various professional documents and hurried over the way with such alacrity that he reached the parlour before the messenger had even emancipated himself from the court Gentlemen said Mr Pell touching his hat my service to you all I dont say it to flatter you gentlemen but there are not five other men in the world that Id have come out of that court for today So busy eh said Sam Busy replied Pell Im completely sewn up as my friend the late Lord Chancellor many a time used to say to me gentlemen when he came out from hearing appeals in the House of Lords Poor fellow he was very susceptible to fatigue he used to feel those appeals uncommonly I actually thought more than once that hed have sunk under em I did indeed Here Mr Pell shook his head and paused on which the elder Mr Weller nudging his neighbour as begging him to mark the attorneys high connections asked whether the duties in question produced any permanent ill effects on the constitution of his noble friend I dont think he ever quite recovered them replied Pell in fact Im sure he never did Pell he used to say to me many a time how the blazes you can stand the headwork you do is a mystery to meWell I used to answer I hardly know how I do it upon my lifePell hed add sighing and looking at me with a little envyfriendly envy you know gentlemen mere friendly envy I never minded itPell youre a wonder a wonder Ah youd have liked him very much if you had known him gentlemen Bring me threepennorth of rum my dear Addressing this latter remark to the waitress in a tone of subdued grief Mr Pell sighed looked at his shoes and the ceiling and the rum having by that time arrived drank it up However said Pell drawing a chair to the table a professional man has no right to think of his private friendships when his legal assistance is wanted By the bye gentlemen since I saw you here before we have had to weep over a very melancholy occurrence Mr Pell drew out a pockethandkerchief when he came to the word weep but he made no further use of it than to wipe away a slight tinge of rum which hung upon his upper lip I saw it in the ADVERTISER Mr Weller continued Pell Bless my soul not more than fiftytwo Dear meonly think These indications of a musing spirit were addressed to the mottledfaced man whose eyes Mr Pell had accidentally caught on which the mottled faced man whose apprehension of matters in general was of a foggy nature moved uneasily in his seat and opined that indeed so far as that went there was no saying how things was brought about which observation involving one of those subtle propositions which it is difficult to encounter in argument was controverted by nobody I have heard it remarked that she was a very fine woman Mr Weller said Pell in a sympathising manner Yes sir she wos replied the elder Mr Weller not much relishing this mode of discussing the subject and yet thinking that the attorney from his long intimacy with the late Lord Chancellor must know best on all matters of polite breeding She wos a wery fine ooman sir ven I first knowd her She wos a widder sir at that time Now its curious said Pell looking round with a sorrowful smile Mrs Pell was a widow Thats very extraordinary said the mottledfaced man Well it is a curious coincidence said Pell Not at all gruffly remarked the elder Mr Weller More widders is married than single wimin Very good very good said Pell youre quite right Mr Weller Mrs Pell was a very elegant and accomplished woman her manners were the theme of universal admiration in our neighbourhood I was proud to see that woman dance there was something so firm and dignified and yet natural in her motion Her cutting gentlemen was simplicity itself Ah well well Excuse my asking the question Mr Samuel continued the attorney in a lower voice was your motherinlaw tall Not wery replied Sam Mrs Pell was a tall figure said Pell a splendid woman with a noble shape and a nose gentlemen formed to command and be majestic She was very much attached to mevery muchhighly connected too Her mothers brother gentlemen failed for eight hundred pounds as a law stationer Vell said Mr Weller who had grown rather restless during this discussion vith regard to bisness The word was music to Pells ears He had been revolving in his mind whether any business was to be transacted or whether he had been merely invited to partake of a glass of brandyandwater or a bowl of punch or any similar professional compliment and now the doubt was set at rest without his appearing at all eager for its solution His eyes glistened as he laid his hat on the table and said What is the business upon whichum Either of these gentlemen wish to go through the court We require an arrest a friendly arrest will do you know we are all friends here I suppose Give me the dockyment Sammy said Mr Weller taking the will from his son who appeared to enjoy the interview amazingly Wot we rekvire sir is a probe o this here Probate my dear Sir probate said Pell Well sir replied Mr Weller sharply probe and probe it is wery much the same if you dont understand wot I mean sir I dessay I can find them as does No offence I hope Mr Weller said Pell meekly You are the executor I see he added casting his eyes over the paper I am sir replied Mr Weller These other gentlemen I presume are legatees are they inquired Pell with a congratulatory smile Sammy is a legatease replied Mr Weller these other genlmn is friends o mine just come to see fair a kind of umpires Oh said Pell very good I have no objections Im sure I shall want a matter of five pound of you before I begin ha ha ha It being decided by the committee that the five pound might be advanced Mr Weller produced that sum after which a long consultation about nothing particular took place in the course whereof Mr Pell demonstrated to the perfect satisfaction of the gentlemen who saw fair that unless the management of the business had been intrusted to him it must all have gone wrong for reasons not clearly made out but no doubt sufficient This important point being despatched Mr Pell refreshed himself with three chops and liquids both malt and spirituous at the expense of the estate and then they all went away to Doctors Commons The next day there was another visit to Doctors Commons and a great todo with an attesting hostler who being inebriated declined swearing anything but profane oaths to the great scandal of a proctor and surrogate Next week there were more visits to Doctors Commons and there was a visit to the Legacy Duty Office besides and there were treaties entered into for the disposal of the lease and business and ratifications of the same and inventories to be made out and lunches to be taken and dinners to be eaten and so many profitable things to be done and such a mass of papers accumulated that Mr Solomon Pell and the boy and the blue bag to boot all got so stout that scarcely anybody would have known them for the same man boy and bag that had loitered about Portugal Street a few days before At length all these weighty matters being arranged a day was fixed for selling out and transferring the stock and of waiting with that view upon Wilkins Flasher Esquire stockbroker of somewhere near the bank who had been recommended by Mr Solomon Pell for the purpose It was a kind of festive occasion and the parties were attired accordingly Mr Wellers tops were newly cleaned and his dress was arranged with peculiar care the mottledfaced gentleman wore at his buttonhole a fullsized dahlia with several leaves and the coats of his two friends were adorned with nosegays of laurel and other evergreens All three were habited in strict holiday costume that is to say they were wrapped up to the chins and wore as many clothes as possible which is and has been a stagecoachmans idea of full dress ever since stagecoaches were invented Mr Pell was waiting at the usual place of meeting at the appointed time even he wore a pair of gloves and a clean shirt much frayed at the collar and wristbands by frequent washings A quarter to two said Pell looking at the parlour clock If we are with Mr Flasher at a quarter past we shall just hit the best time What should you say to a drop o beer genlmn suggested the mottledfaced man And a little bit o cold beef said the second coachman Or a oyster added the third who was a hoarse gentleman supported by very round legs Hear hear said Pell to congratulate Mr Weller on his coming into possession of his property eh Ha ha Im quite agreeable genlmn answered Mr Weller Sammy pull the bell Sammy complied and the porter cold beef and oysters being promptly produced the lunch was done ample justice to Where everybody took so active a part it is almost invidious to make a distinction but if one individual evinced greater powers than another it was the coachman with the hoarse voice who took an imperial pint of vinegar with his oysters without betraying the least emotion Mr Pell Sir said the elder Mr Weller stirring a glass of brandy andwater of which one was placed before every gentleman when the oyster shells were removedMr Pell Sir it wos my intention to have proposed the funs on this occasion but Samivel has vispered to me Here Mr Samuel Weller who had silently eaten his oysters with tranquil smiles cried Hear in a very loud voice Has vispered to me resumed his father that it vould be better to dewote the liquor to vishin you success and prosperity and thankin you for the manner in which youve brought this here business through Heres your health sir Hold hard there interposed the mottledfaced gentleman with sudden energy your eyes on me genlmn Saying this the mottledfaced gentleman rose as did the other gentlemen The mottledfaced gentleman reviewed the company and slowly lifted his hand upon which every man including him of the mottled countenance drew a long breath and lifted his tumbler to his lips In one instant the mottledfaced gentleman depressed his hand again and every glass was set down empty It is impossible to describe the thrilling effect produced by this striking ceremony At once dignified solemn and impressive it combined every element of grandeur Well gentlemen said Mr Pell all I can say is that such marks of confidence must be very gratifying to a professional man I dont wish to say anything that might appear egotistical gentlemen but Im very glad for your own sakes that you came to me thats all If you had gone to any low member of the profession its my firm conviction and I assure you of it as a fact that you would have found yourselves in Queer Street before this I could have wished my noble friend had been alive to have seen my management of this case I dont say it out of pride but I thinkHowever gentlemen I wont trouble you with that Im generally to be found here gentlemen but if Im not here or over the way thats my address Youll find my terms very cheap and reasonable and no man attends more to his clients than I do and I hope I know a little of my profession besides If you have any opportunity of recommending me to any of your friends gentlemen I shall be very much obliged to you and so will they too when they come to know me Your healths gentlemen With this expression of his feelings Mr Solomon Pell laid three small written cards before Mr Wellers friends and looking at the clock again feared it was time to be walking Upon this hint Mr Weller settled the bill and issuing forth the executor legatee attorney and umpires directed their steps towards the city The office of Wilkins Flasher Esquire of the Stock Exchange was in a first floor up a court behind the Bank of England the house of Wilkins Flasher Esquire was at Brixton Surrey the horse and stanhope of Wilkins Flasher Esquire were at an adjacent livery stable the groom of Wilkins Flasher Esquire was on his way to the West End to deliver some game the clerk of Wilkins Flasher Esquire had gone to his dinner and so Wilkins Flasher Esquire himself cried Come in when Mr Pell and his companions knocked at the countinghouse door Goodmorning Sir said Pell bowing obsequiously We want to make a little transfer if you please Oh just come in will you said Mr Flasher Sit down a minute Ill attend to you directly Thank you Sir said Pell theres no hurry Take a chair Mr Weller Mr Weller took a chair and Sam took a box and the umpires took what they could get and looked at the almanac and one or two papers which were wafered against the wall with as much openeyed reverence as if they had been the finest efforts of the old masters Well Ill bet you half a dozen of claret on it come said Wilkins Flasher Esquire resuming the conversation to which Mr Pells entrance had caused a momentary interruption This was addressed to a very smart young gentleman who wore his hat on his right whisker and was lounging over the desk killing flies with a ruler Wilkins Flasher Esquire was balancing himself on two legs of an office stool spearing a waferbox with a penknife which he dropped every now and then with great dexterity into the very centre of a small red wafer that was stuck outside Both gentlemen had very open waistcoats and very rolling collars and very small boots and very big rings and very little watches and very large guardchains and symmetrical inexpressibles and scented pockethandkerchiefs I never bet half a dozen said the other gentleman Ill take a dozen Done Simmery done said Wilkins Flasher Esquire P P mind observed the other Of course replied Wilkins Flasher Esquire Wilkins Flasher Esquire entered it in a little book with a gold pencilcase and the other gentleman entered it also in another little book with another gold pencilcase I see theres a notice up this morning about Boffer observed Mr Simmery Poor devil hes expelled the house Ill bet you ten guineas to five he cuts his throat said Wilkins Flasher Esquire Done replied Mr Simmery Stop I bar said Wilkins Flasher Esquire thoughtfully Perhaps he may hang himself Very good rejoined Mr Simmery pulling out the gold pencilcase again Ive no objection to take you that way Say makes away with himself Kills himself in fact said Wilkins Flasher Esquire Just so replied Mr Simmery putting it down Flasherten guineas to five Boffer kills himself Within what time shall we say A fortnight suggested Wilkins Flasher Esquire Confound it no rejoined Mr Simmery stopping for an instant to smash a fly with the ruler Say a week Split the difference said Wilkins Flasher Esquire Make it ten days Well ten days rejoined Mr Simmery So it was entered down on the little books that Boffer was to kill himself within ten days or Wilkins Flasher Esquire was to hand over to Frank Simmery Esquire the sum of ten guineas and that if Boffer did kill himself within that time Frank Simmery Esquire would pay to Wilkins Flasher Esquire five guineas instead Im very sorry he has failed said Wilkins Flasher Esquire Capital dinners he gave Fine port he had too remarked Mr Simmery We are going to send our butler to the sale tomorrow to pick up some of that sixtyfour The devil you are said Wilkins Flasher Esquire My mans going too Five guineas my man outbids your man Done Another entry was made in the little books with the gold pencilcases and Mr Simmery having by this time killed all the flies and taken all the bets strolled away to the Stock Exchange to see what was going forward Wilkins Flasher Esquire now condescended to receive Mr Solomon Pells instructions and having filled up some printed forms requested the party to follow him to the bank which they did Mr Weller and his three friends staring at all they beheld in unbounded astonishment and Sam encountering everything with a coolness which nothing could disturb Crossing a courtyard which was all noise and bustle and passing a couple of porters who seemed dressed to match the red fire engine which was wheeled away into a corner they passed into an office where their business was to be transacted and where Pell and Mr Flasher left them standing for a few moments while they went upstairs into the Will Office Wot place is this here whispered the mottledfaced gentleman to the elder Mr Weller Counsels Office replied the executor in a whisper Wot are them genlmen asettin behind the counters asked the hoarse coachman Reduced counsels I spose replied Mr Weller Aint they the reduced counsels Samivel Wy you dont suppose the reduced counsels is alive do you inquired Sam with some disdain How should I know retorted Mr Weller I thought they looked wery like it Wot are they then Clerks replied Sam Wot are they all aeatin ham sangwidges for inquired his father Cos its in their dooty I suppose replied Sam its a part o the system theyre alvays adoin it here all day long Mr Weller and his friends had scarcely had a moment to reflect upon this singular regulation as connected with the monetary system of the country when they were rejoined by Pell and Wilkins Flasher Esquire who led them to a part of the counter above which was a round blackboard with a large W on it Wots that for Sir inquired Mr Weller directing Pells attention to the target in question The first letter of the name of the deceased replied Pell I say said Mr Weller turning round to the umpires theres somethin wrong here Wes our letterthis wont do The referees at once gave it as their decided opinion that the business could not be legally proceeded with under the letter W and in all probability it would have stood over for one day at least had it not been for the prompt though at first sight undutiful behaviour of Sam who seizing his father by the skirt of the coat dragged him to the counter and pinned him there until he had affixed his signature to a couple of instruments which from Mr Wellers habit of printing was a work of so much labour and time that the officiating clerk peeled and ate three Ribstone pippins while it was performing As the elder Mr Weller insisted on selling out his portion forthwith they proceeded from the bank to the gate of the Stock Exchange to which Wilkins Flasher Esquire after a short absence returned with a cheque on Smith Payne Smith for five hundred and thirty pounds that being the money to which Mr Weller at the market price of the day was entitled in consideration of the balance of the second Mrs Wellers funded savings Sams two hundred pounds stood transferred to his name and Wilkins Flasher Esquire having been paid his commission dropped the money carelessly into his coat pocket and lounged back to his office Mr Weller was at first obstinately determined on cashing the cheque in nothing but sovereigns but it being represented by the umpires that by so doing he must incur the expense of a small sack to carry them home in he consented to receive the amount in fivepound notes My son said Mr Weller as they came out of the bankinghousemy son and me has a wery partickler engagement this arternoon and I should like to have this here bisness settled out of hand so lets jest go straight avay someveres vere ve can hordit the accounts A quiet room was soon found and the accounts were produced and audited Mr Pells bill was taxed by Sam and some charges were disallowed by the umpires but notwithstanding Mr Pells declaration accompanied with many solemn asseverations that they were really too hard upon him it was by very many degrees the best professional job he had ever had and one on which he boarded lodged and washed for six months afterwards The umpires having partaken of a dram shook hands and departed as they had to drive out of town that night Mr Solomon Pell finding that nothing more was going forward either in the eating or drinking way took a friendly leave and Sam and his father were left alone There said Mr Weller thrusting his pocketbook in his side pocket Vith the bills for the lease and that theres eleven hundred and eighty pound here Now Samivel my boy turn the horses heads to the George and Wulter CHAPTER LVI AN IMPORTANT CONFERENCE TAKES PLACE BETWEEN MR PICKWICK AND SAMUEL WELLER AT WHICH HIS PARENT ASSISTSAN OLD GENTLEMAN IN A SNUFFCOLOURED SUIT ARRIVES UNEXPECTEDLY Mr Pickwick was sitting alone musing over many things and thinking among other considerations how he could best provide for the young couple whose present unsettled condition was matter of constant regret and anxiety to him when Mary stepped lightly into the room and advancing to the table said rather hastily Oh if you please Sir Samuel is downstairs and he says may his father see you Surely replied Mr Pickwick Thank you Sir said Mary tripping towards the door again Sam has not been here long has he inquired Mr Pickwick Oh no Sir replied Mary eagerly He has only just come home He is not going to ask you for any more leave Sir he says Mary might have been conscious that she had communicated this last intelligence with more warmth than seemed actually necessary or she might have observed the goodhumoured smile with which Mr Pickwick regarded her when she had finished speaking She certainly held down her head and examined the corner of a very smart little apron with more closeness than there appeared any absolute occasion for Tell them they can come up at once by all means said Mr Pickwick Mary apparently much relieved hurried away with her message Mr Pickwick took two or three turns up and down the room and rubbing his chin with his left hand as he did so appeared lost in thought Well well said Mr Pickwick at length in a kind but somewhat melancholy tone it is the best way in which I could reward him for his attachment and fidelity let it be so in Heavens name It is the fate of a lonely old man that those about him should form new and different attachments and leave him I have no right to expect that it should be otherwise with me No no added Mr Pickwick more cheerfully it would be selfish and ungrateful I ought to be happy to have an opportunity of providing for him so well I am Of course I am Mr Pickwick had been so absorbed in these reflections that a knock at the door was three or four times repeated before he heard it Hastily seating himself and calling up his accustomed pleasant looks he gave the required permission and Sam Weller entered followed by his father Glad to see you back again Sam said Mr Pickwick How do you do Mr Weller Wery hearty thankee sir replied the widower hope I see you well sir Quite I thank you replied Mr Pickwick I wanted to have a little bit o conwersation with you sir said Mr Weller if you could spare me five minits or so sir Certainly replied Mr Pickwick Sam give your father a chair Thankee Samivel Ive got a cheer here said Mr Weller bringing one forward as he spoke uncommon fine day its been sir added the old gentleman laying his hat on the floor as he sat himself down Remarkably so indeed replied Mr Pickwick Very seasonable Seasonablest veather I ever see sir rejoined Mr Weller Here the old gentleman was seized with a violent fit of coughing which being terminated he nodded his head and winked and made several supplicatory and threatening gestures to his son all of which Sam Weller steadily abstained from seeing Mr Pickwick perceiving that there was some embarrassment on the old gentlemans part affected to be engaged in cutting the leaves of a book that lay beside him and waited patiently until Mr Weller should arrive at the object of his visit I never see sich a aggrawatin boy as you are Samivel said Mr Weller looking indignantly at his son never in all my born days What is he doing Mr Weller inquired Mr Pickwick He vont begin sir rejoined Mr Weller he knows I aint ekal to expressin myself ven theres anythin partickler to be done and yet hell stand and see me asettin here taking up your walable time and makin a reglar spectacle o myself rayther than help me out vith a syllable It aint filial conduct Samivel said Mr Weller wiping his forehead wery far from it You said youd speak replied Sam how should I know you wos done up at the wery beginnin You might ha seen I warnt able to start rejoined his father Im on the wrong side of the road and backin into the palins and all manner of unpleasantness and yet you vont put out a hand to help me Im ashamed on you Samivel The fact is Sir said Sam with a slight bow the govnors been a drawin his money Wery good Samivel wery good said Mr Weller nodding his head with a satisfied air I didnt mean to speak harsh to you Sammy Wery good Thats the vay to begin Come to the pint at once Wery good indeed Samivel Mr Weller nodded his head an extraordinary number of times in the excess of his gratification and waited in a listening attitude for Sam to resume his statement You may sit down Sam said Mr Pickwick apprehending that the interview was likely to prove rather longer than he had expected Sam bowed again and sat down his father looking round he continued The govnor sir has drawn out five hundred and thirty pound Reduced counsels interposed Mr Weller senior in an undertone It dont much matter vether its reduced counsels or wot not said Sam five hundred and thirty pounds is the sum aint it All right Samivel replied Mr Weller To vich sum he has added for the house and bisness Lease goodvill stock and fixters interposed Mr Weller As much as makes it continued Sam altogether eleven hundred and eighty pound Indeed said Mr Pickwick I am delighted to hear it I congratulate you Mr Weller on having done so well Vait a minit Sir said Mr Weller raising his hand in a deprecatory manner Get on Samivel This here money said Sam with a little hesitation hes anxious to put someveres vere he knows itll be safe and Im wery anxious too for if he keeps it hell go alendin it to somebody or inwestin property in horses or droppin his pocketbook down an airy or makin a Egyptian mummy of hisself in some vay or another Wery good Samivel observed Mr Weller in as complacent a manner as if Sam had been passing the highest eulogiums on his prudence and foresight Wery good For vich reasons continued Sam plucking nervously at the brim of his hatfor vich reasons hes drawn it out today and come here vith me to say leastvays to offer or in other vords To say this here said the elder Mr Weller impatiently that it aint o no use to me Im agoin to vork a coach reglar and hant got noveres to keep it in unless I vos to pay the guard for takin care on it or to put it in vun o the coach pockets vich ud be a temptation to the insides If youll take care on it for me sir I shall be wery much obliged to you Praps said Mr Weller walking up to Mr Pickwick and whispering in his earpraps itll go a little vay towards the expenses o that ere conwiction All I say is just you keep it till I ask you for it again With these words Mr Weller placed the pocketbook in Mr Pickwicks hands caught up his hat and ran out of the room with a celerity scarcely to be expected from so corpulent a subject Stop him Sam exclaimed Mr Pickwick earnestly Overtake him bring him back instantly Mr Wellerherecome back Sam saw that his masters injunctions were not to be disobeyed and catching his father by the arm as he was descending the stairs dragged him back by main force My good friend said Mr Pickwick taking the old man by the hand your honest confidence overpowers me I dont see no occasion for nothin o the kind Sir replied Mr Weller obstinately I assure you my good friend I have more money than I can ever need far more than a man at my age can ever live to spend said Mr Pickwick No man knows how much he can spend till he tries observed Mr Weller Perhaps not replied Mr Pickwick but as I have no intention of trying any such experiments I am not likely to come to want I must beg you to take this back Mr Weller Wery well said Mr Weller with a discontented look Mark my vords Sammy Ill do somethin desperate vith this here property somethin desperate Youd better not replied Sam Mr Weller reflected for a short time and then buttoning up his coat with great determination said Ill keep a pike Wot exclaimed Sam A pike rejoined Mr Weller through his set teeth Ill keep a pike Say goodbye to your father Samivel I dewote the remainder of my days to a pike This threat was such an awful one and Mr Weller besides appearing fully resolved to carry it into execution seemed so deeply mortified by Mr Pickwicks refusal that that gentleman after a short reflection said Well well Mr Weller I will keep your money I can do more good with it perhaps than you can Just the wery thing to be sure said Mr Weller brightening up o course you can sir Say no more about it said Mr Pickwick locking the pocketbook in his desk I am heartily obliged to you my good friend Now sit down again I want to ask your advice The internal laughter occasioned by the triumphant success of his visit which had convulsed not only Mr Wellers face but his arms legs and body also during the locking up of the pocketbook suddenly gave place to the most dignified gravity as he heard these words Wait outside a few minutes Sam will you said Mr Pickwick Sam immediately withdrew Mr Weller looked uncommonly wise and very much amazed when Mr Pickwick opened the discourse by saying You are not an advocate for matrimony I think Mr Weller Mr Weller shook his head He was wholly unable to speak vague thoughts of some wicked widow having been successful in her designs on Mr Pickwick choked his utterance Did you happen to see a young girl downstairs when you came in just now with your son inquired Mr Pickwick Yes I see a young gal replied Mr Weller shortly What did you think of her now Candidly Mr Weller what did you think of her I thought she wos wery plump and vell made said Mr Weller with a critical air So she is said Mr Pickwick so she is What did you think of her manners from what you saw of her Wery pleasant rejoined Mr Weller Wery pleasant and comformable The precise meaning which Mr Weller attached to this lastmentioned adjective did not appear but as it was evident from the tone in which he used it that it was a favourable expression Mr Pickwick was as well satisfied as if he had been thoroughly enlightened on the subject I take a great interest in her Mr Weller said Mr Pickwick Mr Weller coughed I mean an interest in her doing well resumed Mr Pickwick a desire that she may be comfortable and prosperous You understand Wery clearly replied Mr Weller who understood nothing yet That young person said Mr Pickwick is attached to your son To Samivel Veller exclaimed the parent Yes said Mr Pickwick Its natral said Mr Weller after some consideration natral but rayther alarmin Sammy must be careful How do you mean inquired Mr Pickwick Wery careful that he dont say nothin to her responded Mr Weller Wery careful that he aint led avay in a innocent moment to say anythin as may lead to a conwiction for breach Youre never safe vith em Mr Pickwick ven they vunce has designs on you theres no knowin vere to have em and vile youre aconsidering of it they have you I wos married fust that vay myself Sir and Sammy wos the consekens o the manoover You give me no great encouragement to conclude what I have to say observed Mr Pickwick but I had better do so at once This young person is not only attached to your son Mr Weller but your son is attached to her Vell said Mr Weller this heres a pretty sort o thing to come to a fathers ears this is I have observed them on several occasions said Mr Pickwick making no comment on Mr Wellers last remark and entertain no doubt at all about it Supposing I were desirous of establishing them comfortably as man and wife in some little business or situation where they might hope to obtain a decent living what should you think of it Mr Weller At first Mr Weller received with wry faces a proposition involving the marriage of anybody in whom he took an interest but as Mr Pickwick argued the point with him and laid great stress on the fact that Mary was not a widow he gradually became more tractable Mr Pickwick had great influence over him and he had been much struck with Marys appearance having in fact bestowed several very unfatherly winks upon her already At length he said that it was not for him to oppose Mr Pickwicks inclination and that he would be very happy to yield to his advice upon which Mr Pickwick joyfully took him at his word and called Sam back into the room Sam said Mr Pickwick clearing his throat your father and I have been having some conversation about you About you Samivel said Mr Weller in a patronising and impressive voice I am not so blind Sam as not to have seen a long time since that you entertain something more than a friendly feeling towards Mrs Winkles maid said Mr Pickwick You hear this Samivel said Mr Weller in the same judicial form of speech as before I hope Sir said Sam addressing his master I hope theres no harm in a young man takin notice of a young ooman as is undeniably good looking and wellconducted Certainly not said Mr Pickwick Not by no means acquiesced Mr Weller affably but magisterially So far from thinking there is anything wrong in conduct so natural resumed Mr Pickwick it is my wish to assist and promote your wishes in this respect With this view I have had a little conversation with your father and finding that he is of my opinion The lady not bein a widder interposed Mr Weller in explanation The lady not being a widow said Mr Pickwick smiling I wish to free you from the restraint which your present position imposes upon you and to mark my sense of your fidelity and many excellent qualities by enabling you to marry this girl at once and to earn an independent livelihood for yourself and family I shall be proud Sam said Mr Pickwick whose voice had faltered a little hitherto but now resumed its customary tone proud and happy to make your future prospects in life my grateful and peculiar care There was a profound silence for a short time and then Sam said in a low husky sort of voice but firmly withal Im very much obliged to you for your goodness Sir as is only like yourself but it cant be done Cant be done ejaculated Mr Pickwick in astonishment Samivel said Mr Weller with dignity I say it cant be done repeated Sam in a louder key Wots to become of you Sir My good fellow replied Mr Pickwick the recent changes among my friends will alter my mode of life in future entirely besides I am growing older and want repose and quiet My rambles Sam are over How do I know that ere sir argued Sam You think so now Spose you wos to change your mind vich is not unlikely for youve the spirit o fiveandtwenty in you still what ud become on you vithout me It cant be done Sir it cant be done Wery good Samivel theres a good deal in that said Mr Weller encouragingly I speak after long deliberation Sam and with the certainty that I shall keep my word said Mr Pickwick shaking his head New scenes have closed upon me my rambles are at an end Wery good rejoined Sam Then thats the wery best reason wy you should alvays have somebody by you as understands you to keep you up and make you comfortable If you vant a more polished sort o feller vell and good have him but vages or no vages notice or no notice board or no board lodgin or no lodgin Sam Veller as you took from the old inn in the Borough sticks by you come what may and let evrythin and evrybody do their wery fiercest nothin shall ever perwent it At the close of this declaration which Sam made with great emotion the elder Mr Weller rose from his chair and forgetting all considerations of time place or propriety waved his hat above his head and gave three vehement cheers My good fellow said Mr Pickwick when Mr Weller had sat down again rather abashed at his own enthusiasm you are bound to consider the young woman also I do consider the young ooman Sir said Sam I have considered the young ooman Ive spoke to her Ive told her how Im sitivated shes ready to vait till Im ready and I believe she vill If she dont shes not the young ooman I take her for and I give her up vith readiness Youve knowd me afore Sir My minds made up and nothin can ever alter it Who could combat this resolution Not Mr Pickwick He derived at that moment more pride and luxury of feeling from the disinterested attachment of his humble friends than ten thousand protestations from the greatest men living could have awakened in his heart While this conversation was passing in Mr Pickwicks room a little old gentleman in a suit of snuffcoloured clothes followed by a porter carrying a small portmanteau presented himself below and after securing a bed for the night inquired of the waiter whether one Mrs Winkle was staying there to which question the waiter of course responded in the affirmative Is she alone inquired the old gentleman I believe she is Sir replied the waiter I can call her own maid Sir if you No I dont want her said the old gentleman quickly Show me to her room without announcing me Eh Sir said the waiter Are you deaf inquired the little old gentleman No sir Then listen if you please Can you hear me now Yes Sir Thats well Show me to Mrs Winkles room without announcing me As the little old gentleman uttered this command he slipped five shillings into the waiters hand and looked steadily at him Really sir said the waiter I dont know sir whether Ah youll do it I see said the little old gentleman You had better do it at once It will save time There was something so very cool and collected in the gentlemans manner that the waiter put the five shillings in his pocket and led him upstairs without another word This is the room is it said the gentleman You may go The waiter complied wondering much who the gentleman could be and what he wanted the little old gentleman waiting till he was out of sight tapped at the door Come in said Arabella Um a pretty voice at any rate murmured the little old gentleman but thats nothing As he said this he opened the door and walked in Arabella who was sitting at work rose on beholding a strangera little confusedbut by no means ungracefully so Pray dont rise maam said the unknown walking in and closing the door after him Mrs Winkle I believe Arabella inclined her head Mrs Nathaniel Winkle who married the son of the old man at Birmingham said the stranger eyeing Arabella with visible curiosity Again Arabella inclined her head and looked uneasily round as if uncertain whether to call for assistance I surprise you I see maam said the old gentleman Rather I confess replied Arabella wondering more and more Ill take a chair if youll allow me maam said the stranger He took one and drawing a spectaclecase from his pocket leisurely pulled out a pair of spectacles which he adjusted on his nose You dont know me maam he said looking so intently at Arabella that she began to feel alarmed No sir she replied timidly No said the gentleman nursing his left leg I dont know how you should You know my name though maam Do I said Arabella trembling though she scarcely knew why May I ask what it is Presently maam presently said the stranger not having yet removed his eyes from her countenance You have been recently married maam I have replied Arabella in a scarcely audible tone laying aside her work and becoming greatly agitated as a thought that had occurred to her before struck more forcibly upon her mind Without having represented to your husband the propriety of first consulting his father on whom he is dependent I think said the stranger Arabella applied her handkerchief to her eyes Without an endeavour even to ascertain by some indirect appeal what were the old mans sentiments on a point in which he would naturally feel much interested said the stranger I cannot deny it Sir said Arabella And without having sufficient property of your own to afford your husband any permanent assistance in exchange for the worldly advantages which you knew he would have gained if he had married agreeably to his fathers wishes said the old gentleman This is what boys and girls call disinterested affection till they have boys and girls of their own and then they see it in a rougher and very different light Arabellas tears flowed fast as she pleaded in extenuation that she was young and inexperienced that her attachment had alone induced her to take the step to which she had resorted and that she had been deprived of the counsel and guidance of her parents almost from infancy It was wrong said the old gentleman in a milder tone very wrong It was romantic unbusinesslike foolish It was my fault all my fault Sir replied poor Arabella weeping Nonsense said the old gentleman it was not your fault that he fell in love with you I suppose Yes it was though said the old gentleman looking rather slily at Arabella It was your fault He couldnt help it This little compliment or the little gentlemans odd way of paying it or his altered mannerso much kinder than it was at firstor all three together forced a smile from Arabella in the midst of her tears Wheres your husband inquired the old gentleman abruptly stopping a smile which was just coming over his own face I expect him every instant sir said Arabella I persuaded him to take a walk this morning He is very low and wretched at not having heard from his father Low is he said the old gentlemen Serve him right He feels it on my account I am afraid said Arabella and indeed Sir I feel it deeply on his I have been the sole means of bringing him to his present condition Dont mind it on his account my dear said the old gentleman It serves him right I am glad of itactually glad of it as far as he is concerned The words were scarcely out of the old gentlemans lips when footsteps were heard ascending the stairs which he and Arabella seemed both to recognise at the same moment The little gentleman turned pale and making a strong effort to appear composed stood up as Mr Winkle entered the room Father cried Mr Winkle recoiling in amazement Yes sir replied the little old gentleman Well Sir what have you got to say to me Mr Winkle remained silent You are ashamed of yourself I hope Sir said the old gentleman Still Mr Winkle said nothing Are you ashamed of yourself Sir or are you not inquired the old gentleman No Sir replied Mr Winkle drawing Arabellas arm through his I am not ashamed of myself or of my wife either Upon my word cried the old gentleman ironically I am very sorry to have done anything which has lessened your affection for me Sir said Mr Winkle but I will say at the same time that I have no reason to be ashamed of having this lady for my wife nor you of having her for a daughter Give me your hand Nat said the old gentleman in an altered voice Kiss me my love You are a very charming little daughterinlaw after all In a few minutes time Mr Winkle went in search of Mr Pickwick and returning with that gentleman presented him to his father whereupon they shook hands for five minutes incessantly Mr Pickwick I thank you most heartily for all your kindness to my son said old Mr Winkle in a bluff straightforward way I am a hasty fellow and when I saw you last I was vexed and taken by surprise I have judged for myself now and am more than satisfied Shall I make any more apologies Mr Pickwick Not one replied that gentleman You have done the only thing wanting to complete my happiness Hereupon there was another shaking of hands for five minutes longer accompanied by a great number of complimentary speeches which besides being complimentary had the additional and very novel recommendation of being sincere Sam had dutifully seen his father to the Belle Sauvage when on returning he encountered the fat boy in the court who had been charged with the delivery of a note from Emily Wardle I say said Joe who was unusually loquacious what a pretty girl Mary is isnt she I am so fond of her I am Mr Weller made no verbal remark in reply but eyeing the fat boy for a moment quite transfixed at his presumption led him by the collar to the corner and dismissed him with a harmless but ceremonious kick After which he walked home whistling CHAPTER LVII IN WHICH THE PICKWICK CLUB IS FINALLY DISSOLVED AND EVERYTHING CONCLUDED TO THE SATISFACTION OF EVERYBODY For a whole week after the happy arrival of Mr Winkle from Birmingham Mr Pickwick and Sam Weller were from home all day long only returning just in time for dinner and then wearing an air of mystery and importance quite foreign to their natures It was evident that very grave and eventful proceedings were on foot but various surmises were afloat respecting their precise character Some among whom was Mr Tupman were disposed to think that Mr Pickwick contemplated a matrimonial alliance but this idea the ladies most strenuously repudiated Others rather inclined to the belief that he had projected some distant tour and was at present occupied in effecting the preliminary arrangements but this again was stoutly denied by Sam himself who had unequivocally stated when crossexamined by Mary that no new journeys were to be undertaken At length when the brains of the whole party had been racked for six long days by unavailing speculation it was unanimously resolved that Mr Pickwick should be called upon to explain his conduct and to state distinctly why he had thus absented himself from the society of his admiring friends With this view Mr Wardle invited the full circle to dinner at the Adelphi and the decanters having been thrice sent round opened the business We are all anxious to know said the old gentleman what we have done to offend you and to induce you to desert us and devote yourself to these solitary walks Are you said Mr Pickwick It is singular enough that I had intended to volunteer a full explanation this very day so if you will give me another glass of wine I will satisfy your curiosity The decanters passed from hand to hand with unwonted briskness and Mr Pickwick looking round on the faces of his friends with a cheerful smile proceeded All the changes that have taken place among us said Mr Pickwick I mean the marriage that has taken place and the marriage that WILL take place with the changes they involve rendered it necessary for me to think soberly and at once upon my future plans I determined on retiring to some quiet pretty neighbourhood in the vicinity of London I saw a house which exactly suited my fancy I have taken it and furnished it It is fully prepared for my reception and I intend entering upon it at once trusting that I may yet live to spend many quiet years in peaceful retirement cheered through life by the society of my friends and followed in death by their affectionate remembrance Here Mr Pickwick paused and a low murmur ran round the table The house I have taken said Mr Pickwick is at Dulwich It has a large garden and is situated in one of the most pleasant spots near London It has been fitted up with every attention to substantial comfort perhaps to a little elegance besides but of that you shall judge for yourselves Sam accompanies me there I have engaged on Perkers representation a housekeepera very old oneand such other servants as she thinks I shall require I propose to consecrate this little retreat by having a ceremony in which I take a great interest performed there I wish if my friend Wardle entertains no objection that his daughter should be married from my new house on the day I take possession of it The happiness of young people said Mr Pickwick a little moved has ever been the chief pleasure of my life It will warm my heart to witness the happiness of those friends who are dearest to me beneath my own roof Mr Pickwick paused again Emily and Arabella sobbed audibly I have communicated both personally and by letter with the club resumed Mr Pickwick acquainting them with my intention During our long absence it has suffered much from internal dissentions and the withdrawal of my name coupled with this and other circumstances has occasioned its dissolution The Pickwick Club exists no longer I shall never regret said Mr Pickwick in a low voice I shall never regret having devoted the greater part of two years to mixing with different varieties and shades of human character frivolous as my pursuit of novelty may have appeared to many Nearly the whole of my previous life having been devoted to business and the pursuit of wealth numerous scenes of which I had no previous conception have dawned upon meI hope to the enlargement of my mind and the improvement of my understanding If I have done but little good I trust I have done less harm and that none of my adventures will be other than a source of amusing and pleasant recollection to me in the decline of life God bless you all With these words Mr Pickwick filled and drained a bumper with a trembling hand and his eyes moistened as his friends rose with one accord and pledged him from their hearts There were few preparatory arrangements to be made for the marriage of Mr Snodgrass As he had neither father nor mother and had been in his minority a ward of Mr Pickwicks that gentleman was perfectly well acquainted with his possessions and prospects His account of both was quite satisfactory to Wardleas almost any other account would have been for the good old gentleman was overflowing with hilarity and kindnessand a handsome portion having been bestowed upon Emily the marriage was fixed to take place on the fourth day from that timethe suddenness of which preparations reduced three dressmakers and a tailor to the extreme verge of insanity Getting posthorses to the carriage old Wardle started off next day to bring his mother back to town Communicating his intelligence to the old lady with characteristic impetuosity she instantly fainted away but being promptly revived ordered the brocaded silk gown to be packed up forthwith and proceeded to relate some circumstances of a similar nature attending the marriage of the eldest daughter of Lady Tollimglower deceased which occupied three hours in the recital and were not half finished at last Mrs Trundle had to be informed of all the mighty preparations that were making in London and being in a delicate state of health was informed thereof through Mr Trundle lest the news should be too much for her but it was not too much for her inasmuch as she at once wrote off to Muggleton to order a new cap and a black satin gown and moreover avowed her determination of being present at the ceremony Hereupon Mr Trundle called in the doctor and the doctor said Mrs Trundle ought to know best how she felt herself to which Mrs Trundle replied that she felt herself quite equal to it and that she had made up her mind to go upon which the doctor who was a wise and discreet doctor and knew what was good for himself as well as for other people said that perhaps if Mrs Trundle stopped at home she might hurt herself more by fretting than by going so perhaps she had better go And she did go the doctor with great attention sending in half a dozen of medicine to be drunk upon the road In addition to these points of distraction Wardle was intrusted with two small letters to two small young ladies who were to act as bridesmaids upon the receipt of which the two young ladies were driven to despair by having no things ready for so important an occasion and no time to make them ina circumstance which appeared to afford the two worthy papas of the two small young ladies rather a feeling of satisfaction than otherwise However old frocks were trimmed and new bonnets made and the young ladies looked as well as could possibly have been expected of them And as they cried at the subsequent ceremony in the proper places and trembled at the right times they acquitted themselves to the admiration of all beholders How the two poor relations ever reached Londonwhether they walked or got behind coaches or procured lifts in wagons or carried each other by turnsis uncertain but there they were before Wardle and the very first people that knocked at the door of Mr Pickwicks house on the bridal morning were the two poor relations all smiles and shirt collar They were welcomed heartily though for riches or poverty had no influence on Mr Pickwick the new servants were all alacrity and readiness Sam was in a most unrivalled state of high spirits and excitement Mary was glowing with beauty and smart ribands The bridegroom who had been staying at the house for two or three days previous sallied forth gallantly to Dulwich Church to meet the bride attended by Mr Pickwick Ben Allen Bob Sawyer and Mr Tupman with Sam Weller outside having at his buttonhole a white favour the gift of his ladylove and clad in a new and gorgeous suit of livery invented for the occasion They were met by the Wardles and the Winkles and the bride and bridesmaids and the Trundles and the ceremony having been performed the coaches rattled back to Mr Pickwicks to breakfast where little Mr Perker already awaited them Here all the light clouds of the more solemn part of the proceedings passed away every face shone forth joyously and nothing was to be heard but congratulations and commendations Everything was so beautiful The lawn in front the garden behind the miniature conservatory the diningroom the drawingroom the bedrooms the smokingroom and above all the study with its pictures and easy chairs and odd cabinets and queer tables and books out of number with a large cheerful window opening upon a pleasant lawn and commanding a pretty landscape dotted here and there with little houses almost hidden by the trees and then the curtains and the carpets and the chairs and the sofas Everything was so beautiful so compact so neat and in such exquisite taste said everybody that there really was no deciding what to admire most And in the midst of all this stood Mr Pickwick his countenance lighted up with smiles which the heart of no man woman or child could resist himself the happiest of the group shaking hands over and over again with the same people and when his own hands were not so employed rubbing them with pleasure turning round in a different direction at every fresh expression of gratification or curiosity and inspiring everybody with his looks of gladness and delight Breakfast is announced Mr Pickwick leads the old lady who has been very eloquent on the subject of Lady Tollimglower to the top of a long table Wardle takes the bottom the friends arrange themselves on either side Sam takes his station behind his masters chair the laughter and talking cease Mr Pickwick having said grace pauses for an instant and looks round him As he does so the tears roll down his cheeks in the fullness of his joy Let us leave our old friend in one of those moments of unmixed happiness of which if we seek them there are ever some to cheer our transitory existence here There are dark shadows on the earth but its lights are stronger in the contrast Some men like bats or owls have better eyes for the darkness than for the light We who have no such optical powers are better pleased to take our last parting look at the visionary companions of many solitary hours when the brief sunshine of the world is blazing full upon them It is the fate of most men who mingle with the world and attain even the prime of life to make many real friends and lose them in the course of nature It is the fate of all authors or chroniclers to create imaginary friends and lose them in the course of art Nor is this the full extent of their misfortunes for they are required to furnish an account of them besides In compliance with this customunquestionably a bad onewe subjoin a few biographical words in relation to the party at Mr Pickwicks assembled Mr and Mrs Winkle being fully received into favour by the old gentleman were shortly afterwards installed in a newlybuilt house not half a mile from Mr Pickwicks Mr Winkle being engaged in the city as agent or town correspondent of his father exchanged his old costume for the ordinary dress of Englishmen and presented all the external appearance of a civilised Christian ever afterwards Mr and Mrs Snodgrass settled at Dingley Dell where they purchased and cultivated a small farm more for occupation than profit Mr Snodgrass being occasionally abstracted and melancholy is to this day reputed a great poet among his friends and acquaintance although we do not find that he has ever written anything to encourage the belief There are many celebrated characters literary philosophical and otherwise who hold a high reputation on a similar tenure Mr Tupman when his friends married and Mr Pickwick settled took lodgings at Richmond where he has ever since resided He walks constantly on the terrace during the summer months with a youthful and jaunty air which has rendered him the admiration of the numerous elderly ladies of single condition who reside in the vicinity He has never proposed again Mr Bob Sawyer having previously passed through the Gazette passed over to Bengal accompanied by Mr Benjamin Allen both gentlemen having received surgical appointments from the East India Company They each had the yellow fever fourteen times and then resolved to try a little abstinence since which period they have been doing well Mrs Bardell let lodgings to many conversable single gentlemen with great profit but never brought any more actions for breach of promise of marriage Her attorneys Messrs Dodson Fogg continue in business from which they realise a large income and in which they are universally considered among the sharpest of the sharp Sam Weller kept his word and remained unmarried for two years The old housekeeper dying at the end of that time Mr Pickwick promoted Mary to the situation on condition of her marrying Mr Weller at once which she did without a murmur From the circumstance of two sturdy little boys having been repeatedly seen at the gate of the back garden there is reason to suppose that Sam has some family The elder Mr Weller drove a coach for twelve months but being afflicted with the gout was compelled to retire The contents of the pocketbook had been so well invested for him however by Mr Pickwick that he had a handsome independence to retire on upon which he still lives at an excellent publichouse near Shooters Hill where he is quite reverenced as an oracle boasting very much of his intimacy with Mr Pickwick and retaining a most unconquerable aversion to widows Mr Pickwick himself continued to reside in his new house employing his leisure hours in arranging the memoranda which he afterwards presented to the secretary of the once famous club or in hearing Sam Weller read aloud with such remarks as suggested themselves to his mind which never failed to afford Mr Pickwick great amusement He was much troubled at first by the numerous applications made to him by Mr Snodgrass Mr Winkle and Mr Trundle to act as godfather to their offspring but he has become used to it now and officiates as a matter of course He never had occasion to regret his bounty to Mr Jingle for both that person and Job Trotter became in time worthy members of society although they have always steadily objected to return to the scenes of their old haunts and temptations Mr Pickwick is somewhat infirm now but he retains all his former juvenility of spirit and may still be frequently seen contemplating the pictures in the Dulwich Gallery or enjoying a walk about the pleasant neighbourhood on a fine day He is known by all the poor people about who never fail to take their hats off as he passes with great respect The children idolise him and so indeed does the whole neighbourhood Every year he repairs to a large family merrymaking at Mr Wardles on this as on all other occasions he is invariably attended by the faithful Sam between whom and his master there exists a steady and reciprocal attachment which nothing but death will terminate"#str(first_book_spitted)
#View(first_book_spitted)
for (i in 20:119){ if (str_length(first_book_spitted[1, i]) >= 500){
ngram(first_book_spitted[1, i], n = 1) -> obj
obj %>% get.phrasetable() -> twoGramI
plot(density(twoGramI$freq))
}}
for (i in 20:119){ if (str_length(first_book_spitted[1, i]) >= 500){
ngram(first_book_spitted[1, i], n = 2) -> obj
obj %>% get.phrasetable() -> twoGramI
plot(density(twoGramI$freq))
}}
We plot the desity function for each chapter of the first book. It is easy to plot them for other books too. But due to the heavy volume it takes, we just plot the 1-gram and 2-gram density functions for the whole curpus.
all_corpus_Dickens = all_Dickens_Novels_text[2:4] %>% unlist() %>% str_c(collapse = " ")%>% str_c(collapse = " ")
str(all_corpus_Dickens)## chr "cOLIVER TWIST OR THE PARISH BOYS PROGRESS BY CHARLES DICKENS CONTENTS I TREATS OF THE PLACE W"| __truncated__ ngram(all_corpus_Dickens, n = 1) -> obj
obj %>% get.phrasetable() -> twoGramI
plot(density(twoGramI$freq))
ngram(all_corpus_Dickens, n = 2) -> obj
obj %>% get.phrasetable() -> twoGramI
plot(density(twoGramI$freq))
Persuasion = gutenberg_download(105)
Northanger = gutenberg_download(121)
Mansfield = gutenberg_download(141)
Emma = gutenberg_download(158)
Sense = gutenberg_download(161)
Pride = gutenberg_download(1342)
austin_novs = list(Persuasion$text, Northanger$text, Mansfield$text, Emma$text,
Sense$text, Pride$text)
austin_novs %>%
str_replace_all("\"","") %>%
str_replace_all("[[:punct:]]","") %>%
str_split(pattern = "\\s") -> austin_nov_per_nov
all_austin = austin_nov_per_nov %>% unlist() %>% str_c(collapse = " ")
str(all_austin)## chr "cPersuasion by Jane Austen 1818 Chapter 1 Sir Walter Elliot of Kellynch Hall in Somersetshire was a m"| __truncated__ ngram(all_austin, n = 1) -> obj
obj %>% get.phrasetable() -> twoGramI
plot(density(twoGramI$freq))
ngram(all_austin, n = 2) -> obj
obj %>% get.phrasetable() -> twoGramI
plot(density(twoGramI$freq))
As we can see, the plots are similar.